Fighting Back
by NettieC
Summary: After his divorce, Elliot is finally moving on with his life but what happens when a diagnosis shatters his world? Who will he turn to?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

It was nearly eight on Wednesday night as Olivia flicked off the kitchen light and headed to the sofa. She picked up the book Casey had lent her two months ago but had yet to even start. Curling her legs up under her she studied the cover; a tall, dark man with crystal blue eyes stared up at her. While he bore no resemblance to her AWOL partner she couldn't help but think of him.

Their relationship had changed in the last month or so with them spending more time together after hours. It never felt awkward or forced, if anything it felt incredibly natural. Initially, it was Fin's birthday, then a retirement party for the desk sergeant. Next, Dickie had invited Olivia to his hockey match and Lizzie had followed up and asked her to join them for dinner afterwards. When the social events waned, it became DVDs and dinner, usually at Olivia's. It was friendly and social but never inappropriate, both seeming to enjoy the closer bond but not pursuing anything else for fear of damaging what they were nurturing.

But today, after days of unexplained calls, sudden absences and a seriously pissy attitude, Elliot had raced out of the squad room after another nondescript phone call just after two and hadn't been seen or heard of since. Despite Olivia being less than impressed by his actions and by the coarse words he spat at her after his call, she had swung by his place on her way home to check on him. He wasn't to be found.

Flicking to the first page she read the first paragraph, twice, before realising the words weren't sinking in, her mind still very much on Elliot. Picking up her cell she hit one on the speed dial and listened to the voice mail of his cell, she left her fourth message for the evening. Ending that call she went back to the menu and pressed two, this time she got his answering machine at home and left message number five.

With her phone discarded on the coffee table, Olivia picked up the book once more but again she was distracted by the blue eyes looking up at her. Slowly she ran her finger across the face on the cover, hoping the anonymous man would give her some answers, but he didn't. Still deep in thought she was startled by the buzzer.

"Yes," she answered.

"Um, hello, ma'am. My name is Bob, I'm a cab driver," came the deep voice over the intercom.

"Yes, Bob," Olivia said.

"Well, ma'am, I'm downstairs, outside you apartment block, have been for the best part of two hours…" he began to explain.

"Why?" she answered, wondering why he had been and why she needed to know.

"Your husband is in my cab and he just won't get out," said Bob.

"My husband?" she repeated.

"Yes, ma'am. You are Mrs Stabler, aren't you? Mrs Elliot Stabler?" he asked.

"He's not my husband, he's my partner," Olivia explained.

"Husband, partner, spouse, significant other, all the same to me, ma'am," Bob said.

Olivia grinned, he was probably right; there's was a marriage of sorts. "Is he okay?"

"No, not really. Can you come down and get him?" asked Bob.

Grabbing her keys, Olivia shut the door behind her and raced down the stairs to the lobby, opening the door she was greeted by the bitter cold of the February night and the man she presumed to be Bob.

"Sorry, ma'am," he said, as Olivia wrapped her arms around herself to ward of the chill.

"Where did you pick him up from?" she asked, looking to the cab and seeing Elliot with his head back and his eyes closed.

"Mt Sinai Hospital," he explained. "Picked him up just before six, said to bring him here. When we pulled he gave me his wallet, and said he couldn't go up just yet and could I please wait until his money ran out," Bob said glancing back to the car.

"And his money's run out?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah, about an hour or so ago. Ma'am, he's not in good shape and I just couldn't force him out," Bob said, stepping towards the vehicle.

"Has he said anything?" she asked, following him.

"Just this address and that you were the only one he wanted to see, this was the only place he wanted to be."

Olivia followed Bob to the cab and watched as he opened the passenger door. Elliot's eyes opened and his head slowly turned, his face not registering Olivia standing behind the driver.

"Time to go home, Mr Stabler," Bob said, offering his hand but Elliot didn't move.

Stepping around Bob, Olivia leant into the car and pulled back his seatbelt, before stopping to look at him. When her eyes locked onto his, she saw a deep sadness and her heart dropped.

"Hey El," she said quietly, helping him to swing his legs around so his feet rested on the pavement. He didn't reply. "Come on out," she prompted, but he just looked sadly at her.

Reaching down, she grabbed the lapels of his overcoat and pulled him up; Bob reaching in to ensure he didn't hit his head.

"He hasn't been drinking, ma'am," Bob said as Elliot stumbled forward into her.

"You sure?" she asked. Although there was no smell of alcohol and he'd come from the hospital, he seemed incapacitated. Quickly, Olivia ran her hands under his jacket and around his body, steadying him against her, and warming herself as a bonus. "Whoa, El!" she said as he shuffled into her. "You okay?" she asked and tried to maintain eye contact with him but he wouldn't and dropped his head onto hers. She wrapped her arms around him tighter and softly kissed his cheek.

"Are you right to get him upstairs, ma'am?" Bob asked, shutting the door.

"Yes, Bob, we'll be fine. Thank you so much for everything," she said looking from Elliot to Bob.

"Here's his wallet, ma'am," he said, tucking it into Elliot's coat pocket.

"Oh, the money! You said the money ran out…" she began, but he interrupted.

"Don't worry about it, Mrs Stabler," he said. "I didn't touch anything in his wallet, honest, it's all there."

"But, Bob, you've been with him for two hours," she said, holding Elliot tightly.

Bob smiled gently at her. "Whatever he's got going on with him, I can't put a price on it." He moved around to the other side of the cab. "Good luck, ma'am, Mr Stabler. I hope it all works out." With that Bob was gone and Olivia moved around to Elliot's side and slowly walked up the steps to the lobby with him.

As they waited for the elevator, Olivia looked up at him and caressed his cheek with the hand she'd freed to press the button.

"You gonna talk to me, Elliot?" she asked quietly.

He tilted his head and gave her half a sad smile but said nothing. The doors opened and they moved into the cabin, Olivia standing beside him as the doors closed. Still nothing was said.

Moving from the elevator to her apartment, Elliot held onto Olivia's hand tightly, not wanting to let go, not daring to let the connection break. With one hand taken, Olivia fumbled with her keys but eventually got the door opened. Elliot walked in with her before she shut and locked it behind them. Olivia broke their connection and silently removed his jacket. She turned and took four short steps to hang it up; when she turned back he was right behind her, his eyes filled with tears.

"What's wrong, Elliot?" she said, rubbing her hand up his arm. "Talk to me." He shook his head, three teardrops escaping as he did. Olivia had seen him cry before, in fact she thought she'd seen every one of his emotions, but she'd never before seen him like this. Knowing she wasn't going to get any answer soon and knowing he had come to her for a reason, she changed tack.

"What do you need from me, El?" she asked gently, her hands holding onto his.

"Hold me," he whimpered, as his blue eyes watered.

Olivia moved in and ran her arms around his body. Her elbows sat at his sides as her arms cradled his back, her hands resting on his shoulder blades, drawing him closer and closer to her. His head came down to rest on her shoulder and she turned and gently kissed the side of his head.

Within a few moments she could feel his whole body trembling and instinctively pulled him closer still. One hand moved up to his head, cradling it to her. She tried to think of something, anything to say which would help the situation but she couldn't, so instead she kissed his head again .

Fifteen minutes later, Elliot finally let her go, missing her touch instantly.

"Sorry," he mumbled, brushing her shoulder where his tears had dampened her sweater.

"Don't worry about it," she replied, taking his hand and leading him to the sofa. When he was seated, Olivia headed to the kitchen, returning with two beers. She opened his and handed him the bottle before opening hers and sitting beside him.

Silence settled between them as Olivia watched him, willing him to speak of his own accord, she didn't want this to turn into an interrogation but her self restraint was weakening as each minute past without dialogue.

"Elliot," she said gently, resting her hand on his forearm. "Whenever you're ready, I'll be here to listen, okay?"

He nodded and smiled, then sighed deeply. His eyes glazed over as he sat and looked at her but still he said nothing.

"You hungry?" she asked, breaking the silence. "You didn't eat lunch and I'll bet you didn't have dinner."

"Not hungry," Elliot said, resting his head against the sofa and closing his eyes.

"El," she said gently. "Please tell me what's going on."

"Haven't been well," he said quietly. Olivia nodded, she knew he'd had the flu last month and had been very run down in the last few weeks.

"And?" she asked when he offered nothing.

"Went to the doctor to get it checked out the other day and he ran a lot of tests, trying to figure out the reason I was feeling like shit," Elliot said, sounding almost detached from the conversation.

"He the one who rang today?" she asked, holding onto his hand to offer support.

"Um, yeah," he said quietly and then sighed deeply.

"Bad news?" she prompted, and when he nodded her heart sank. "What?" she whispered.

Elliot sat up a little straighter; he took a deep breath and looked past her, his eyes fixed on nothing in particular.

"The doctor said…" he began, his voice unfamiliar, "Mr Stabler, the tests have come back and the results aren't too good, I'm afraid. The indications are you have Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma …"

Olivia gasped and Elliot's eyes came back to her face. He reached out to wipe away her tears. "I'm sorry, Liv," he added and she was confused.

"Why are you sorry?" she asked.

"Because I yelled at you today, I shouldn't have done that," he whispered, his hand cupping her cheek.

With no words to express her thoughts, Olivia did the only thing she could think of, she held him tightly and prayed to God this was just a bad dream.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Time ticked by and Olivia was reluctant to let Elliot go, she knew by moving back, she'd be able to look into his eyes and she'd know this was the new reality they had to face. It was Elliot who drew back first and smiled sadly at her.

"Not exactly the evening you had planned, right?" he asked, taking hold of her hand.

"Nope," she replied, struggling to keep her tears at bay.

"Sorry," he apologised. "It was just…" He couldn't find the right words so he just sighed and squeezed her hand.

"It's just what, El?" she asked quietly.

"I got into the cab and intended to go home but when he asked where to your address just came out. I know I've been impossible to be around lately but I was just hoping you wouldn't …" he paused again, his eyes searching hers.

"Hoping I wouldn't kick you out?" Olivia offered, squeezing his hand back.

"Yeah …" he sighed, his head dropping forward.

Olivia inched closer to him and leant in to rake her fingers through his hair. "Never gonna kick you out."

"Even though I'm a huge pain in the ass?" he asked, not daring to look at her.

"If that was the case, El, our partnership wouldn't have lasted nine minutes let alone nine years." She smiled and rested her head on the sofa, her eyes still fixed on him. She saw the fatigue, the pain, the distress, the confusion all play across his face. Twice she saw him open his mouth to talk only to close it and turn his attention to a frayed thread on his cuff.

"What's the next step, El?" she finally asked, the silence killing her. He looked at her confused. "Your next appointment? Talking to Cragen? The kids?"

Tears filled his eyes as he struggled to form words, his head dropped once more. "Um… well… appointment Friday … the oncologist …" the word itself was bitter on his tongue ..."is some guy called Bainbridge and is at two."

"Want me to come?" Olivia offered, as his hand sought hers.

Slowly his head came up, his eyes shyly locking with hers. "Would you do that for me?"

"Of course," she replied with a gentle squeeze.

"As for those other two things …" He waved a hand, not wanting to be specific. "I think I want to wait til after the appointment … you know, when I have some information about it … when I can think straight," he said, before looking at her. "You think that's alright?" he asked, seeking her reassurance.

"I think whatever you want to do is alright," she said gently. "This is about you, okay?"

Elliot shook his head. "I wish it wasn't … about me … about anyone."

"Me too," she replied sadly. There was nothing she wouldn't give to take this all away.

Despite his protests, Olivia made Elliot toasted cheese and soup to eat and then watched him closely to ensure he ate it. To his surprise it felt good but he wasn't convinced as to whether it was the food itself or the woman across from him. When he was finished she took the plate and bowl back to the kitchen and was surprised to find him right behind her once again when she turned around.

"Thanks," he said, leaning against the counter.

"Anytime," she smiled.

A quick glance at the clock told her it was nearly midnight and both were in desperate need of sleep. Olivia knew she wasn't sending him home.

"El, we both need to get some sleep. I don't know how you want to do this, but there's the guest room, the sofa or …" She watched a smile curl his lips.

"Your bed?" he asked in hope.

"My bed," she concluded, nodding.

"You don't mind, do you?" he whispered, almost afraid to ask in case she changed her mind.

Olivia reached over and took his hand before switching off the light and leading him to her bedroom. "I told you, this is about you."

When Olivia finally emerged from her bathroom, some twenty minutes after she entered, Elliot was already in bed, dozing off. He opened one eye as she pulled back the covers on her side of the bed.

"Pink bunnies?" he chuckled, taking in her blue flannelette pj's with pink bunnies scattered about. Olivia smiled.

"Something wrong with them?" she asked feigning seriousness and arching an eyebrow.

"No, not at all, Liv," he replied, propping himself up on one elbow as she climbed into bed.

"Glad to hear it, Stabler," she said, pulling up the cover. "These are the ones Lizzie bought me for Christmas."

"Oh, in that case, I love them," he smiled and laid back down.

Olivia turned off the lamp and snuggled down, not too sure what to do. To comfort herself she wanted to wrap her limbs around him and hold onto him forever but as she'd already told him, this wasn't about anybody else but him. So, she lay perfectly still on her back, listening to his breathing, her head turned towards him as she watched him intently in the near darkness of the room.

"You won't sleep if you lay there and watch me," Elliot said, without opening his eyes.

"Who says I'm watching you?" she replied defensively.

"I do," he replied, rolling towards her.

"Well, what if I am?" she asked, rolling to face him.

"I'm not objecting," he smiled. "Just saying to get some sleep you need to close your eyes."

"Don't worry about what I need," she whispered. "Just worry about you."

"Well, if you don't object…" he began. "What I need … right now … is just to be here with you."

"Well…" she started, raising her hand up to his face. "You already have that."

Elliot moved across to Olivia's side of the bed, so their heads rested on the same lilac pillow.

"Thank you, Livvy," he whispered as her arm surrounded him.

"Just sleep, El, sleep."

Just after six a distant thunder clap woke Olivia, when she looked across the bed she saw Elliot sleeping; his head back on his own pillow, but still close to hers, his hand resting under his cheek. She shook her head, confused. It wasn't the first morning she'd woken to find him in her bed, but every other time it had been a dream – a very good dream. As she looked at his face the night before came flooding back to her, the reason for his being there.

She studied him intently, something she wasn't able to do when he was awake. He looked peaceful; the tension, which was seemingly a permanent feature of his face, was replaced by a slumber induced serenity. With reality at bay, he was relaxed; the lines on his face not seeming as deep. Olivia skimmed her finger along them, there were now many more than when their partnership first began but she had never really thought of him as getting older. Each line was earned the hard way; through the torments of his job, the trials of a failed marriage and the stress associated with being a father of four.

Gently, she traced a faint scar on his forehead, legacy of a battle long before he was partnered with Olivia; she knew there were more battle wounds all over his body, but for now her focus stayed on his face. Her fingers danced up and into his hair. It was now much shorter than it had been nine years ago, more of its own accord than being a fashion statement. She hadn't realised just how thin it had become or how grey he'd gotten, he'd just always been Elliot. No matter how hard things got, or how much they fought, or how far she ran, she always trusted him to be there, same as always, and he was.

Tears gathered as her fingers ran among the dark locks, with grey strands, she had to admit she'd often thought of raking her fingers through his hair when they were entangled in bed; however never in her wildest dreams, or worst nightmares, did she think it would be under these circumstances. While she thought she may go grey, and he bald, waiting for them to find the right moment to acknowledge what existed between them, she never thought the thrill of her fingers would be usurped by the effects of chemo. She let her finger run across his face and down his jaw, when Elliot stirred she quickly tucked her hand under her cheek, though her gaze remained locked on him.

In the quietness of the room, she allowed tears to trickle down her cheek unabated and onto the pillow. This man was everything to her … everything … she had no idea what a future without him would look like … how she would function … how she would breathe … it was at this moment she realised losing him wasn't an option … she would fight this battle with him, and for him, every inch of the way. And if it was truly a just world, the reward would be him … and there was nothing she wanted more.

When her phone buzzed she grabbed it quickly from the side table and cringed realising it was Don.

"Benson," she whispered, not wanting to wake Elliot.

"Liv, I've got a job for you and El…" Don started but she quickly interrupted.

"Sorry, sir, can't do it," she said.

"Excuse me?" he retorted, not used to being told no by his detectives.

"I can't explain right now but things aren't good, Elliot and I won't be in today," she said. There was something in her tone which diffused his anger.

"What's wrong, Olivia?" he asked gently.

"Can't say right now … just that … um … well …" She couldn't find the words. Elliot surprised her by taking the cell from her.

"Don, it's Elliot," he said, smiling at Olivia.

"You're there?" the anger was back in his voice. "Is _this_ what Detective Benson couldn't tell me?"

"No!" he retorted. "What Olivia is trying not to say is that I'm not well. Test results yesterday weren't good and I have a specialist appointment tomorrow."

"Oh," Don muttered.

"So, in short, I'm not doing too well and I really need Liv to help me out today…" his voice trailed as Olivia's fingers came up to brush his cheek.

"Oh," Don repeated, not sure what to say. "Yeah, okay."

"And, um, Don … I need her tomorrow too … for the appointment," Elliot added quietly, embarrassed for needing anyone like he needed Olivia.

"Anything I can do, El?" Don offered, his brain kicking into gear.

"Um, not really," he began. "Just don't tell anyone, for now. We'll come and see you when I'm done at Mt Sinai."

Elliot closed her phone and reached across Olivia to place it on the bedside table.

"Wasn't as hard as I thought," he said, moving back and propping himself up on his elbow.

"So, Cragen alright about it?" Olivia asked turning to face him.

"He is now … don't think he knew quite what to say," Elliot said, his fingers entwining with hers.

"Don't quite know what to say about it myself," she whispered, before biting down on her bottom lip when it started trembling.

"Hey," he said quietly, his hand coming to rest on her cheek, his thumb wiping away her tears which she could no longer contain.

"Don't cry, Liv." He placed a kiss on her forehead, leaving his lips to linger there.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, closing her eyes and trying to control her breathing and her tears.

"Don't be sorry," he answered.

"Sorry!" she muttered, he just laughed, trying to break the tension. He was fragile himself and he couldn't bear the thought of making Olivia cry, suddenly, he wondered if he'd done the right thing coming here, dragging her into this.

Before he could stop himself, his own tears started, a reflection of her pain for him, and his for her. Olivia's arms were around his neck almost instantly, drawing her body close to his and holding tightly. His arms encircled her, bodies melding into one. It was a long time before either dared to let go.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

It was mid morning before Olivia let Elliot go, some four hours after their boss had called. Most of the time she had slept, finally allowing herself to relax and not think of the negatives which had consumed her earlier.

As she drew back, Elliot kissed her forehead. "Hey, sleepyhead!"

"Hey, yourself," she yawned as she stretched her whole body. "Been awake long?"

"Nah," he lied. He'd spent most of the time awake, holding her, thinking of her, thinking of him and what lay ahead, thinking he was an idiot not to have acted on his feelings for her after his divorce two years ago, thinking it may all be too late now. It was a lot of thinking, accompanied by a lot of tears. He knew that if he was to succumb to his disease, Olivia, or rather not telling her he loved her, would be his biggest regret. Elliot was thankful for the comfort of Olivia's arms, the soothing sound of her breathing, her soft murmurs from time to time and the fact she was asleep and couldn't see him in this state.

"Liar," she grinned, she knew him much better than that. There was no evidence of sleep in his eyes or on his face, just red rimmed and watery eyes. Elliot just smiled. "Breakfast?" she offered, tracing her finger along his cheek.

"What have you got?" he asked, smiling again at the look of concentration on Olivia's face.

"Um…" What did she have? She normally never had breakfast at home, opting for a coffee shop down the block or one near the precinct.

"Hard question?" he asked, sitting up on the edge of the bed as she climbed out.

"How about I take you out for breakfast?" she asked, slipping on her robe.

Elliot looked at the clock. "What's say you take me home so I can get changed and then I'll take you out for lunch?" he countered.

"Deal!" said Olivia, pleased he wanted anything to do with food. As for herself she wasn't hungry at all, her stomach knotting and churning whenever she caught the sadness in his eyes. However, she also knew he had to eat and stay as well as possible to fight the coming battle so she would eat, just to ensure he did too.

Elliot's House

As Elliot showered upstairs, Olivia wandered around his sitting room, picking up random items and inspecting them. The first item was a pair of cufflinks discarded on the bureau. The cufflinks were little silver handcuffs, ones she had bought him for his birthday five years ago. She smiled every time he wore them, although she was more of a fan of his sleeves being rolled up and his muscular forearms on display.

Olivia replaced them and picked up the photo frame behind them, it was of Elliot, Kathy and the kids, taken at Kathleen's high school graduation. It was taken in the midst of the divorce and was probably the first picture in a long time where everyone looked happy; content with life and accepting of the changes which were occurring. Olivia ran her fingers over the smiling faces, hoping there would be smiling, happy photos of the whole family years from now.

Moving from the bureau, Olivia picked up a malformed, ceramic ashtray. She smiled turning it over see the name Maureen scratched into the base, followed by Age 7 added in permanent marker. It was nothing to look at but was a clear symbol of Elliot's devotion to his children that this object, probably a Father's Day gift, had survived all these years and been brought to his new place.

"Liv?" Elliot called urgently, breaking her out of her thoughts. "Can you come up, please?"

"Coming," she yelled, taking the steps two at a time. "What's wrong?" she asked the minute she got into his bedroom. She looked around the room, clothes were strewn everywhere. "You ransacking the place, El?"

"Um … well, I was looking for something to wear," he said, nodding towards the wardrobe.

"And your closet exploded?" she grinned.

"No … I was debating … well, tomorrow's appointment … you know … at the hospital," he struggled to put the sentence together.

"What about it?" she asked quietly.

"What do I wear to that sort of appointment?" he asked, gesturing across the room.

Her first instinct was to laugh, Elliot Stabler - worried about what he would wear, it was a first. However, the earnestness in his eyes quickly dissipated any humour.

"What are you most comfortable in?" she asked, moving from the doorway to the bed.

"Jeans and a tee, maybe with the blue sports jacket," he said, picking up jacket. "Is that okay?"

"It's perfect," she said, taking the jacket from him and picking lint from the sleeve.

"Okay," he nodded, relieved that was sorted.

Olivia smiled at his response.

"So how about lunch?" he asked, pulling on a bulky sweater, and Olivia realised he'd been wearing lots of bulky sweaters lately.

"Um, in a minute," Olivia replied, trying to decide the best way to proceed.

"Something wrong?" he asked, watching her eyes.

"No, no," she said. "Okay, look, El…" she paused. He studied her curiously. "You don't have to answer this and you don't have to feel compelled to say yes, but I was thinking maybe you'd like to stay at my place for a while and if that's the case then we'll need to pack a few things for you now. Or alternatively, I could stay here with you and that would mean we could go have lunch now and then go back to my apartment so I can grab a few things. Or maybe you don't want to make any decision until after we see the specialist tomorrow and that's okay too, I don't want you to feel…"

She stopped talking as Elliot pressed his right index finger to her lips.

"Take a breath, Liv," he said quietly. "I would really appreciate staying at your place. Are you sure though? I know I didn't give you much choice last…" This time it was Olivia's finger on his lips.

"You're staying … end of story."

By the time night fell, Elliot was asleep on Olivia's sofa, as she sat in the armchair trying to finish off some paperwork. The apartment was quiet, save for his soft snoring which Olivia found comforting. Every now and then she found herself just watching him, her mind drifting from distant memories to recent fantasies … before long her files were discarded and she moved over to the sofa and lay beside him. He woke instantly, his arm surrounding her as she rested her head above his heart.

"What's the time, Liv?" he asked, yawning.

"Nearly nine," she replied, yawning in response.

"Where did the time go?" he asked, trying to focus on his watch.

"No idea," she said sadly.

She had no idea where the hours went, or the days, months, years. It only seemed like yesterday she stood nervously at the doors to the 16th precinct, thinking she was about to change the world, or at least the world for victims of sexual assault, and now nearly a decade had past. She shook her head.

"You okay, baby?" he asked, kissing her head.

"Baby?" she replied, looking up at him. She caught the guilty look dance across his face.

"Um, oh yeah, sorry," he said, a slight flush coming to his cheeks, he'd had to stop himself many times from calling her baby, or babe, or honey or countless other terms of endearment.

"I'm not saying I mind," she grinned, dropping her head and holding him a little tighter, not daring to look at him, not ready deal with anything else she may see in his eyes.

Content to just lay there in comfortable silence, they did… for a while … until Olivia couldn't stop herself any longer.

"El," she said quietly. "Talk to me about tomorrow."

'It's Friday," he replied, his cheek resting on her head.

"Yeah, I know," she said. "How are you feeling about it?"

"Alright," he answered unconvincingly.

"Really?" She looked up at him.

He shook his head. "Do we have to talk about it?" he asked brushing her hair back.

"Not if you don't want to," she said and he smiled his gratitude.

The silence continued until Olivia's cell buzzed.

"Hey, Casey," she said, sitting up midway along the sofa, her back touching Elliot's stomach.

"Hey, Olivia, you weren't in today. What's up? Cragen wouldn't say," Casey questioned.

"What did he say?" Olivia countered.

"Said you had somewhere you needed to be," Casey answered.

"Yeah, I did," she replied.

"Is everything okay?" she asked.

"Hope so," Olivia said as Elliot's arm brushed along hers.

"Liv," Casey asked quietly. "Is Elliot okay?"

"Hope so," she mumbled. His hand rubbed her back as her breathing became shallower. This was her first public acknowledgement that what they had was hope … and if you were talking about hope, it was the realisation that things were out of their hands, there was a chance she would lose him and there was nothing she or anyone else could do about it.

She stood up from the sofa and rounded the armchair.

"Look, Case, I gotta go," she said, folding her phone before Casey had a chance to reply. Olivia walked into the bathroom and sank to the floor, drawing her knees up to her chest. She grabbed the pink towel from the top of the hamper and buried her face in it.

Elliot sat on the sofa, debating what he should do. He knew she was upset but he wasn't sure whether she'd welcome his intrusion. In the end he remembered her saying this was about what he wanted and he wanted to be with her – to comfort her – so he went.

Stopping at the door when he saw her on the bathroom floor, his heart became heavier with each sharp intake of her breath.

"Liv, can I come in?" he asked, gently rapping on the open door.

"No," she replied, though it was muffled by the towel. He walked in anyway.

"I don't want you to be in here," she mumbled and it prompted him to sit down beside her.

"I know," he said gently, his arm gently drawing her to him. "But we both know this is about what I want," he said softly. "And I want to be here with you." He pulled her closer and her head moved from her knees to his chest, still covered by the towel.

"Don't cry, baby," he whispered, kissing her head. "It will be okay."

"I know it will," she sobbed.

"You know?" he asked, gently tugging away the towel. "Then why the tears?"

"Because…" she mumbled into his shirt.

"Because what, Liv?" he asked, trying to draw her face up to his but she resisted.

"Because I'm scared," she whispered, almost afraid to admit it.

"You know something? I'm scared too," he whispered in reply.

"Then why am I the only one crying?" she asked, finally prepared to really look at him, it was then she saw his tears.

"You're not," he replied, kissing her forehead.

**Don't forget to review!**

**Thanks Wilara!**


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Mt Sinai Hospital never looked more foreboding as Olivia took Elliot's hand and walked through the car park. He had spent the morning acting calm and controlled but it was just an act and they both knew it. His heart was now racing wildly, his palms sweaty and he knew the minute they were through the doors he'd make his umpteenth trip to the bathroom for the day.

Every time he began to ride a wave of panic, Olivia could sense it and would hold on a little tighter. After a bathroom stop they made their way to the elevator, Olivia's stomach twisting as she read the directory and found Oncology – fourth floor. She slipped her arm around Elliot's waist as they waited for the car. It only took thirty seconds to arrive, but each second seemed like an eternity.

As the doors opened, a young woman stood there. A bright pink bandana covering her head, no doubt hiding her loss of hair due to chemo, she was pale and gaunt and relying heavily on another woman standing beside her, who, Elliot was certain, was her mother. The older woman seemed to have the weight of the world on her shoulders as she supported her.

Olivia stepped aside to let them pass before getting into the elevator. When she did, Elliot was already leaning against the wall, head back and eyes closed. She went and stood in front of him, wrapping her arms around his body and leaning into him.

"It's gonna be bad, isn't it?" he whispered, as he tucked his head into her neck.

"Not gonna be a picnic," she agreed, kissing his neck.

"Don't think I want to do this, Liv," he said, his voice catching.

"Don't think you've gotta choice, El," she answered, one hand moving up to his head and raking through his hair.

"Can we just pretend we've had the appointment and all's well?" he asked earnestly, his eyes locked on hers.

"I'd like that," Olivia replied as the doors opened on their floor. She gripped his hand tightly and walked out - time for pretending was gone.

The walk down the corridor was short which suited Elliot fine, as it was, he felt he'd run a marathon by the time they reached the reception desk in the Oncology department; fatigue now a regular part of his life.

"Elliot Stabler," he said to the woman sitting at the desk. "I have an appointment with Dr Bainbridge at two."

"Yes, hello, Mr Stabler," she replied. "My name is Iris; this is your first visit here, isn't it?" He nodded, worried his voice wouldn't come. "I know this is a very daunting day for you but rest assured you are in very good hands. Dr Bainbridge is one of the best." Elliot smiled and nodded. "Now," Iris continued. "If you can just fill out these forms for me … and do you have your referral?" Elliot nodded again and retrieved the letter from his pocket, handing it to her and picking up the clipboard and forms. "Just take a seat and do them, no rush."

Olivia and Elliot moved to the red fabric sofa and sat down. The pen stayed frozen in Elliot's hand, poised above the answer box for the first question, an intense look of concentration on his face. Wrapping an arm around him, Olivia rested her chin on his shoulder.

"You spell it S…T…A…B…L…E…R," she said gently, smiling when he looked at her.

"I know," he replied, shifting in his seat.

"Want me to do it?" she asked, reaching out for the clipboard.

"No, no, I can do it," he sighed. "You've done enough of my paperwork over the years."

When the forms were done he walked back to the desk and handed them over.

"Dr Bainbridge will be with you shortly," Iris said, smiling. There was something about her which Elliot found comforting, and he returned her smile. He walked back to Olivia but, instead of sitting down, he remained standing, staring out the window. Olivia leant back on the sofa and watched him, she knew he was trying hard to keep it all together, she also knew he had never been as scared in his life as he was right now.

The phone buzzing on the desk startled Olivia but Elliot didn't react, his mind too consumed with all the negatives of his current situation.

"Mr Stabler," Iris called. "Dr Bainbridge is ready for you. It's room two, just to your left."

"Thank you," Olivia replied.

She stood up and smiled when he stretched out his hand, eager for her touch. They walked to the room, Olivia rapping quietly on the door when they arrived.

"Come in," the doctor called.

Olivia turned the handle and pushed the door open slightly, pausing she looked at Elliot, reaching up and she kissed his cheek. "We're in this together, El," she reminded him, kissing him again. Then she opened the door, apprehensive of what lay ahead for him, for her, for them.

"Elliot Stabler?" Dr Bainbridge asked, standing up and coming from behind his desk.

"Ah, yes," Elliot replied, shaking the doctor's extended hand.

"I'm Dr Stephen Bainbridge, nice to meet you," he said.

"Wish it wasn't in a professional capacity," Elliot replied, the doctor smiled, it wasn't the first time he'd heard that. "Um, Dr Bainbridge, this is my partner, Olivia Benson." Olivia shook his hand and then both sat down as the doctor gestured to the seats in front of them.

He returned to his own chair and opened Elliot's file, he quickly scanned the page.

"Ok," he started, "Your test results…"

While Elliot knew the doctor was talking little was registering. He knew there was surgery on the horizon, they would go in and removed the lump in his neck … he also heard him mention chemotherapy … just the thought turned his stomach.

His own doctor had organised a needle aspiration biopsy which is how the diagnosis had been made - Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma One B.

One B?" Olivia questioned.

"Stage One, B," the doctor explained.

"Is that bad?" she asked, holding one of Elliot's hands in her lap and running her other hand up and down his forearm.

"B indicates that Elliot has secondary symptoms, aside from just the lump in his neck," he explained. "There has been his weight loss…" Olivia nodded, she'd noticed that herself but hadn't mentioned it to him. "There's also the fevers and some night sweats…" the doctor continued.

"Wasn't that the flu?" she asked looking from Elliot to the doctor.

"No, Liv," Elliot said quietly. "I only said it was because I didn't want you to know…"

"You've known a month that you were this sick?" she questioned turning in her seat.

"No," he shook his head. "Only that it was a possibility."

"Why on earth didn't you tell me, Elliot?" she asked, squeezing his hand.

"Can we do this later, Liv?" Elliot asked, looking back to the doctor.

"Oh, yes, sorry, Dr Bainbridge," she apologised.

"Okay," the doctor continued. "But given Elliot is in the low risk category on the International Prognostic Index, he has a good chance at beating this."

"Good?" Elliot echoed, thinking more about how he was going to explain this to Olivia than the doctor himself. "What are the actual chances?" He heard Olivia draw in a sharp breath but he couldn't bear to look at her.

Dr Bainbridge smiled reassuringly. "The complete response rate is about eighty seven percent…"

"That's good," Olivia said, looking at Elliot.

"Yeah, not for the thirteen percent who didn't make it," Elliot said, looking at her.

"You have to think positive, El," she said gently, rubbing his arm.

"I bet it didn't help them," he responded, looking down to the floor.

"Elliot," the doctor interjected. "Your wife is right, eighty seven percent is a positive thing and you do need to think positively. There are many factors which will impact on your recovery and one of the biggest is your mindset."

Elliot and Olivia looked at each other, neither one wanting to correct the doctor as to the status of their relationship, neither wanting to contemplate why the other wasn't correcting it either.

"So," Dr Bainbridge continued. "We will schedule the surgery for Thursday, next week. After that, we will be able to discuss and schedule your chemotherapy and radiation treatment. I'm sending you home with an information kit. It has answers to all your questions; it also includes contact numbers for this department and the American Cancer Council."

He stood up from behind his desk and came out to them as they both stood.

"This is a very daunting time for you both," he said handing Olivia the kit. "If you think of any questions, write them down and we can discuss them next week. Iris will give you the details for next Thursday on your way out." He shook their hands and opened the door for them.

Elliot and Olivia sat in the car for a long while before Olivia spoke, breaking the silence.

"How are you doing?" she asked quietly.

"Okay," he muttered, his eyes still focus at something beyond the windshield.

"So, tell me?" she simply stated, and leaned back into the driver's seat.

He shook his head; this wasn't a conversation he wanted to have. "Tell me," she repeated. "We're supposed to be partners. How could you not tell me you were ill?"

"Because I was busy thinking it was all my own fault … and I was embarrassed …" he said, not daring to look at her.

"Look at me, Elliot Stabler," she said firmly. Slowly, he turned to face her. "I told you Wednesday night I was never going to kick you out, no matter how big an ass you were, and I'm not," she confirmed as she watched the nervousness flitter in his eyes. "But you owe me the truth, if nothing else…don't you think?"

Nodding slowly, Elliot took a deep breath.

"I've been thinking there was something not right for maybe three months … it was nothing major at first … you know, just more tired than normal, not feeling right but then I got itchy, all over, and well…" he paused. "You sure you want to hear this?" he asked, knowing he didn't want to tell her.

"Yes, I do," she replied, taking his hand.

"I was with this woman about four months ago, and I thought that I must have picked up something from her … you know, some STD. I mean, I used protection and all but just figured it was something from her … and the itching and fevers – thought maybe it was an infection…but it wasn't and when the weight loss started I thought I should do something about it," he admitted, looking up at her.

"And why couldn't you tell me that?" she asked quietly.

"Didn't want to give you the impression I was sleeping around with anybody and everybody … Karla, the woman, I knew her from years ago, she was in New York for the weekend, ran into her by chance and well, we slept together," he all but whispered.

"Have you seen her since?" Olivia asked, trying to keep the jealousy out of her voice.

"Nah, it was just sex … a once off thing," he said, leaning his head back on the seat, exhausted by it all.

"And so you didn't tell me because you were embarrassed by …?" she trailed.

"The sex…" he admitted. "Liv, I've been divorced two years and …"

"El, you don't have to explain," she said, trying to save herself. She didn't need to hear just how many women he'd turned to in that time.

"I thought being single, the life of a bachelor would be good. Something I missed out on when I was younger, you know … but turns out it's not … and Karla, she was a mistake… I just needed someone and you know what they say… love the one you're with," he said, staring out once more.

"The whole thing is 'if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with," Olivia muttered, staring out the windshield herself.

"Yeah, well," he coughed. "The one I wanted wasn't an option and … well…"

"Why wasn't she an option?" Olivia asked quietly, her heart pounding.

"Too complicated," he answered. "We work together."

Not wanting to get into this now, not in the car in the hospital car park, Olivia tightened her belt, turned the key in the ignition and brought the engine to life. They drove in silence for a few blocks.

"It's gone three," she said, looking at her watch. "You want to go see Cragen or Kathy or …"

"Um … yeah … Cragen, I guess …" he said, glad she hadn't pushed the issue, hoping she knew he meant her.

Olivia drove along before noting Elliot's leg bouncing up and down; she reached over and rested her hand on his thigh, gently rubbing it. He picked up her hand and kissed it before placing it back on his thigh, resting his hand over it… but he said nothing.

Pulling into their car space, Olivia parked the car and undid her seatbelt, undoing Elliot's when she realised he wasn't moving.

"We don't have to do this today, El," she said, turning around to face him.

"Sooner the better," he replied, without looking at her.

"Want me to call and make sure he's up there?" she asked, Elliot nodded.

It was a worthwhile call, Cragen was out and not expected back for a few hours so Olivia just left a message.

"Want to try Kathy?" she asked and he shook his head.

"Twins are going away for the weekend … I'll tell Kathy tomorrow and I can tell the kids Monday," he said, his voice monotone.

"Want me to take you home?" she asked, putting her seatbelt back on.

"Only if it's to your place," he said, finally looking at her and smiling.

Back at her apartment, Olivia watched as Elliot took himself into the bedroom and lay on the bed, she wanted to follow him but conceded he probably just needed some time and space. She knew she could benefit from it too. She grabbed a bottle of water and sat on the sofa cross legged, hoping some deep breathing and cleansing thoughts would help her, it didn't. Her thoughts were interrupted by Elliot's cell ringing in the bedroom; she jumped up to answer it, not wanting it to disturb him if he was asleep.

She only made it to the door when she heard his voice.

"Stabler!"

"Oh, yeah, hi, Don … don't worry, you can't help OnePP's timing … yeah, we did … the doctor went through a few things … I'm booked in for surgery next week and will have to start chemo and radiation therapy after that … Doctor says it's Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma …"

The long pause spoke volumes to Olivia as she knew their boss was coming to terms with it.

"Sure…" Elliot said. "Can you … um … tell the guys? They should know…And um… about returning … oh, I know and I will take the time … I mean Olivia returning. I haven't asked … don't know if she will … don't want to put her in that position … but, um … if she agrees can we … she … take some time? Thanks ... means so much."

Olivia smiled; she had a stockpile of leave but never had a reason to take it. Now she had every reason and would use every last day of it if it was what Elliot wanted.

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	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Twenty minutes after Don's call, Elliot came out of the bedroom to find Olivia lying on the sofa, her eyes were closed but he knew she was still awake. Needing nothing more than her, and hoping she'd still have him, he padded over.  
"Liv," he whispered, waiting for her eyes to open. "Shift over." She did and he lay down beside her, arms instantly surrounding each other, his head coming to rest on her shoulder, just above her heart.

"El…" she began, but he placed his fingers on her lips.

"Sssh!" he soothed, wanting nothing more than her touch; for the next few minutes at least.

Olivia was thankful for the reprieve, she couldn't think of anything to say which wouldn't reduce her to tears after spending most of the twenty minute interval replaying the doctor's words. They lay entwined, in silence, as the sun disappeared and the apartment darkened. Olivia's stomach rumbled a few times before Elliot propped himself up on his elbow and kissed her cheek.

"I think I need to feed you, Liv," he grinned as he kissed her again.

"No, I'm fine … really," she said, not wanting him to move.

"That's not what your stomach is saying," he replied, resting his palm on her abdomen, before rubbing gently. "We'll order in … what do you want?"

She shook her head. "What do you want?" she asked, not really interested in eating.

"I don't really care," he answered, his eyes flittering between hers. "Haven't had much of an appetite lately."

"I know, I've noticed," she replied, as his fingers raked through her hair. "But you know you have to eat to keep up your strength."

"Yeah …" he sighed. "And so do you." She smiled as his fingers trailed down her face. "So, I'll ask you again, Liv …what do you want?"

"You..." she whispered, leaning up to brush her lips against his, "decide."

"Tease," he grinned, returning her kiss.

Gently, Elliot moved forward, his chest grazing her breast, his face just inches from hers.

"You want me …" he cooed, "to decide?"

"Aha," she replied softly. She wanted him in so many ways, some she would never be able to describe.

"What if I decide what I want is you…" he drawled, "to decide?"

"Then it's a stalemate," she said, her chocolate eyes widening as he came closer. She watched his blue eyes darken as his hand came up behind her neck, drawing her increasingly closer. As his lips brushed against hers once more her stomach grumbled and gurgled loudly causing him to collapse onto her laughing causing Olivia to convulse in laughter too.

Suddenly, the laughing changed from a humorous chuckle as the pent up tension of the day sought to be released, and before long both were laughing and sobbing, neither one knowing who started crying first, but both responding to the other. Finally, Olivia stopped; trying to draw in deep breaths to compose herself, Elliot did the same. Neither prepared to look at each other or speak until the other did.

Nothing was said for a long time and then as Elliot went to speak the buzzer went. Kissing her forehead, he climbed off her and the sofa and headed to the intercom.

"Yes," he muttered.

"Elliot, it's Don," came their boss' voice, Elliot hit the button to let him up. Moving into the bedroom, Olivia wanted to fix her appearance, not wanting to look like a total mess when her boss walked in.

Hearing the rap on the door and Elliot welcoming Don, Olivia stood in the bedroom door way and watched the two embrace, Don patting him firmly on the back. Not being able to figure out what was being said, she stayed still a little longer, not wanting to interrupt anything. When they pulled apart and Don scanned the apartment, she walked out.

'Hey Liv," he said as she moved towards them.

"Hi Don," she replied, a sudden wave of sadness washing over her.

It was one thing knowing Elliot was sick, and listening to the doctor, but this was the first time she'd have to talk to someone else face to face about it. After nearly a decade of being his partner and having his back, she had to openly admit her partner had a disease which could claim his life, a disease she couldn't protect him from.

"How are you doing,Liv?" he asked quietly as Elliot went to grab some beers from the fridge.

"I'm fine," she replied automatically, a brief smile crossing her lips.

"Wanna try again?" he asked locking eyes with her.

"I'm okay, Don, I have to be," she whispered as Elliot returned.

They sat down; Don in the armchair, Elliot and Olivia on the sofa, at opposite ends, only prepared to discuss one life altering event tonight and not two.

"We were just going to organise something for dinner--" Elliot began, looking from Olivia to their boss.

"All taken care of," Don interrupted. "Got John and Fin on it. They'll be here shortly."

"Great," Elliot said, before taking a swig of beer.

"So, before they get here," Don began, an unfamiliar edge to his voice. "I have to tell you that this has really thrown me. You know I think of you as a son, Elliot, and I just want to say that anything you need, anything at all, you have it from me, okay? You just have to ask. And I mean anything."

Elliot nodded. "Thanks, Don, I appreciate it," he smiled gratefully, knowing while he only wanted and needed Olivia, that Don's support, particularly with the job, would be invaluable through this.

"Same goes for you, Liv," he continued. "Anything." She nodded but didn't reply, not wanting this to be about her, not wanting to contemplate her needing anything other than Elliot.

A few minutes later the buzzer sounded again and this time Fin and Munch came up.

"Chinese," said Fin holding the bags up as Olivia opened the door fully to let them in.

"Great," she replied, with a false enthusiasm she tried hard to mask. "Come on in."

Fin put the two large bags down on the coffee table as Munch half embraced Elliot. Little was said but it was enough for Elliot to know he had his support.

Fin followed Olivia into the kitchen to help with plates and drinks.

"Hey, Livvy," he said, coming in behind her. "How are you doing?"

"Fine," she replied with a forced smile in place.

"That your final answer?" he asked, wrapping an arm around her waist.

She nodded, unsure of getting any other sort of answer out. "Okay, Liv," he said, kissing her head. "You know where to find me when you need me." She nodded again.

"What's taking so long?" Munch asked, coming in.

"Nothing," Fin said, picking up the plates and beer bottles and leaving the kitchen.

"Liv," he said as she moved to pass him. "Got a minute." She turned around and leant back on the fridge.

"What's up?" she asked, as if she couldn't guess.

"I know you don't want me asking, but, how are you doing with all this?" he asked, tilting his head back to the living room.

"I'm doing okay," she replied, with a bob of her head. "I don't like it … but it's not like we have a choice, do we?"

"No, we don't," he said, resting his hand on her shoulder. "You just remember to look after you while you are looking after him, okay?"

Olivia nodded; although she knew looking after herself was low on her priority list right now.

Dinner was delicious, not that anyone really ate or noticed. The drinks were cold and refreshing; they were when they were first gotten from the fridge, not so much after they'd been left to sit a while. The conversation went in fits and starts; covering everything but the reason they were gathered in Olivia's apartment.

Finally, Don broached the subject, with some trepidation. "So, El, how are you coping?"

Elliot looked from Don to Olivia and smiled slightly before looking back at his boss. "I'm doing okay … I need to think positively about it and although I'd rather it not be me … I can handle it." He glanced back at Olivia; while he didn't want any insidious disease invading his body he would much rather it be him than Olivia or any of the kids.

"You know we're here for you, El, don't you?" he asked.

"Yeah, I do," he nodded. "And I appreciate it."

Little more needed to be said by the eclectic group which had become family over their time together.

Not long after Don stood up and grabbed his jacket, saying his goodbyes. Munch got to his feet too. "Can I grab a lift with you?" he asked.

"Sure," replied Don as Olivia moved towards the door. "I know he won't do it, Liv, but you call me anytime, day or night, for anything, okay?" She nodded and embraced him.

"Thanks … for everything," she whispered as she kissed his cheek.

Munch wrapped his arm around her as she stepped away from their boss. "Anything you need, Liv, anything for you, anything for him," he simply said hugging her briefly. She nodded. Once they were gone, Olivia closed the door and looked back at Fin and Elliot still sitting on the sofa seemingly engaged in a serious conversation. Not really wanting to interrupt, she walked over to them and leant over the back of the sofa, resting a hand on their shoulders.

"I'm going to say goodnight too and leave you two to talk," she said.

"Nah, Liv," said Fin. "Stay and chill with us."

"No, it's okay. You guys talk," she said looking at Fin earnestly, hoping this would give Elliot the opportunity to open up, something he wasn't really doing with her at the moment. Fin understood and winked at her.

"Night, Livvy," he said.

"I'll see you later, Fin," she said, reaching over and kissing his head before moving towards Elliot. "Thanks for coming tonight."

"Night, El," she said, kissing his forehead. "I'll see you soon," she said, smiling at him.

Both men watched until Olivia disappeared into her bedroom and shut the door behind her.

"She'll see you soon?" Fin smirked, bringing his attention back to Elliot. "How does that work?"

"Huh?" Elliot replied, his eyes still on the door.

"Why would she say 'see you soon' rather than 'see you tomorrow'?" he questioned, with a grin.

"Um … well … err…" Elliot stuttered.

"You sleeping in there?" Fin asked, tilting his head toward her bedroom door.

"Yeah, have been … the last couple of nights," Elliot admitted, looking at the floor.

"And?" he prompted, an eyebrow raised.

"Oh, no," Elliot said, looking back at his friend. "Nothing like that. I mean we have been in the same bed sleeping but we're not actually sleeping together."

"Why not?" Fin asked pointedly. "I mean it's pretty obvious how you both feel about each other."

"It's not the time," he responded.

"Seems like the perfect time to me," Fin replied.

Elliot shook his head. "I don't want to complicate things … more than they are," he added when he saw Fin's expression.

"El, man to man, and with none of the 'it's too complicated shit', what do you see as your relationship with Liv?" he asked bluntly.

"I see her as my best friend … actually … I see her as the love of my life," Elliot said with complete honesty, glancing up at Fin. "I do love her, Fin … more than anything."

"Why don't you do something about it then?" he questioned, not having understood Elliot's inaction in regards to Olivia since his divorce.

"Now's not the time," he sighed, his heart heavy. "Not with this hanging over me. I don't want to make declarations or promises I won't be able to _live _up to."

Silence fell between them for a moment. "Look, Fin," he began slowly. "Before any of this treatment shit begins … while I'm still thinking clearly… you know…" He stood and walked to the fireplace and turned back to his friend. "I need you to promise me something…"

"You've got nothing to worry about," Fin interrupted. "I'll look after her, Elliot, I promise."

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	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Stirring sometime in the early hours of the morning, Olivia reached out to find Elliot not only sitting up in bed but incredibly hot to touch. She sat up and looked bleary eyed at him.

"Fucking night sweats," he grumbled, as he fanned himself with a book.

Olivia climbed out of bed and headed to the bathroom before returning with a cold, wet towel. She walked around the bed and sat on his side, facing him. She stripped his tee off, surprised to find it totally drenched. "It's a bastard of a thing, Liv," he mumbled as she gently wiped the cold fabric across his chest.

Taking one arm at a time, Olivia did her best to cool his fiery skin.

"This happen often?" she asked, as his head sunk back into the pillow.

"Not every night but often enough," he replied, with a deep sigh.

"Is me sleeping with you a problem? Am I too hot?" she asked and smiled at his grin. "That's not what I meant," she chided. "I meant is it too hot with both of us in the bed?"

"Nah," he replied. "Every other time I've been alone … so, as hot as you are, it's not you."

When the towel lost its cooling capabilities, Olivia stood up.

"Maybe you should take a cool shower and get into some dry boxers," she suggested.

"Yeah, good idea," he replied, peeling his legs from the sheet to stand up. "Looks like we'll need to change the sheets too," he noted, looking at the saturated fabric.

"I'll do that, you go shower," she said, pushing him towards the bathroom.

"I'm so sorry, Liv," he apologised, guilt across his face.

"Don't worry about it," she smiled. She'd often dreamed of him and her and soaked sheets; the only difference was they both would have been hot and sweaty.

When Olivia awoke again, it was after eight and she was surprised to see Elliot sitting on the edge of the bed beside her, fully dressed, watching her intently.

"What's wrong?" she asked, struggling to sit up.

"Nothing, nothing," he soothed as he saw the panic in her eyes.

'There must be," she said. "Why else would you be up and dressed? What's wrong?"

"Liv, honey, relax," he said gently. "There's nothing wrong – well, other than the whole illness thing."

"Oh okay," she said, sinking back into the pillows.

"Now," he said, taking her hands in his and speaking quietly. "I am going to go and see Kathy … figured it might be easier to do it alone."

"Why?" she asked, sitting up again.

"Because I just think it might be better…" his voice trailed.

The truth was that Elliot wanted Olivia to come with him. He wanted her to sit beside him in the car and keep him calm. He wanted her to hold his hand as they approached the house so he could use her strength. He wanted her to sit beside him in the house as he told Kathy, her leg brushing against his, letting him know she was there. But as much as he wanted her there, he needed to go alone. Needed to tell Kathy and have this discussion be about him and not about Olivia or their 'new' relationship, even though they hadn't embarked on anything new, yet. Above everything else though, he needed to know that when he was done speaking to Kathy he could come home to her.

Knowing he wasn't giving her a complete answer, and not wanting to push, she simply smiled. "Okay, El," she said.

"That's okay with you?" he asked, convinced she was going to argue the point.

"Fine with me," she smiled before yawning and stretching. "You are a big boy; you can go out by yourself."

"Yeah, I can," he nodded.

"When are you going?" she asked, glancing at the clock.

"Now," he replied.

"Why so early?" she asked, sitting cross legged.

"Kathy is due at work at eleven and has plans tonight … figured it's best just to get it over and done with," he said. Olivia couldn't help but notice the desperate look on his face. She raised her hand and cupped his chin.

"You just remember to come back here to me when you're done, okay?" she reminded him gently. He smiled broadly.

Just after midday there was a brisk knock on the door and Olivia smiled nervously. She had thought Elliot would have been back hours ago and had resisted all her impulses to call him, knowing he needed time and space to deal with things himself. Instead she'd cleaned her apartment, twice, done the laundry, scrubbed the tub and still managed to find time to pace around anxiously. But while she knew there were things he had to do on his own, and she trusted him to do it, she didn't trust Kathy … their whole marriage seemed to be about Kathy not realising what was best for Elliot. Olivia shook her head; she had to accept she would never have an unbiased opinion wherever Elliot and Kathy were concerned.

"What took you…" she began as she opened the door, stopping when it registered it wasn't Elliot. "Sorry, Casey, I was expecting…"

"Someone else?" Casey smiled. "Story of my life," she grinned, moving in and taking off her coat.

"Yeah, um …" she stammered.

"Detective Stabler, I assume," Casey grinned.

"Yeah …" Olivia turned away quickly, hiding the gathering tears. She was on edge waiting for him to come back and didn't need anyone's care and comfort. "Can I get you something to drink?" she asked, heading to the kitchen before Casey could reply.

"No, I'm fine, Liv." she asked, watching her friend as she leant forward on the kitchen sink. "Are you?"

"I'm fine," she replied, forcing herself to turn around and look at her guest.

"Wanna go with the truth, Olivia? What's wrong with Elliot?" she asked directly.

"Um … Elliot's not well," she admitted, studying the pattern on Casey's shirt.

"Liv," she called gently and waited for Olivia to look at her. "What's wrong?"

"El's been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma," she said, almost breathlessly.

"Shit!" Casey whispered.

"Yeah, shit!" Olivia echoed.

"What's the prognosis?" Casey asked.

"Good … pretty high chance of a complete recovery," she replied, nodding her head slowly.

"That's good," Casey said. "Elliot's a determined bastard, no reason why he shouldn't make a full recovery then."

"That's right," Olivia agreed, still nodding.

"But you're still scared to death you may lose him, aren't you?" she questioned, not caring about beating around the bush.

Olivia nodded, biting down on her lip, and brushing away the tears which had betrayed her.

"Oh, Liv," Casey said, wrapping her arms around her. "Hey," she soothed as Olivia gave in to the pain she was trying to keep tucked inside. "Ssh, honey." But it made no difference, Olivia took the opportunity to let the pain escape, knowing she would feel better for it and that Elliot wouldn't know. Casey just held her tightly and allowed the emotions to drain away from her friend.

When Olivia was able to catch her breath and compose herself, Casey let go. "Sorry, Case," she whispered.

"Don't apologise, Liv … it's okay," she replied, rubbing her back.

"No, it's not," Olivia said, using paper towel to dry her face. "I can't fall apart … I need to be strong … for him."

"You be strong for him and then come to me and fall apart, okay? I'll have a couple of bottles of whiskey and a dozen boxes of Kleenex on standby, okay?" she grinned.

Olivia nodded and smiled, but the smile quickly faded as she heard Elliot's key in the lock. "God, he can't see me like this."

"You go, I'll distract him," Casey replied, and Olivia was gone.

"Liv?" Elliot called edgily the minute the door was shut.

"Hi, El," Casey replied, surprising him.

"Oh, hi, Casey," he replied, quickly looking around the room.

"How are you doing?" she asked. "Liv told me…"

"I'm … um …where is she?" he countered.

"How are you, El? I asked first?" she said, trying to buy Olivia as much time as she could.

"I'm doing alright. Just went to tell Kathy…" he said, his eyes continuing to scan the apartment.

"How did that go?" she asked.

"Not great…look, I don't want to be rude but …" he began.

"You want Olivia?" she offered.

"Um … actually I need Olivia," he admitted.

Casey moved and kissed his cheek before grabbing her coat. "She's in there, El," she said, nodding towards the bedroom. "But, um…" There was something in her voice which made him stop and look back.

"Is she alright?" he asked.

"She will be … just give her a few minutes," Casey said softly.

"What happened?" he asked.

Casey smiled and shook her head. "You happened."

"She's upset because of me?" he questioned. "What did I…" he began but then it dawned on him.

"Just give her a couple of minutes," she said and then left.

Elliot stopped at the bedroom door and considered Casey's request. He knew giving Olivia time would be the right thing to do but after his encounter with Kathy he just needed Olivia, probably more than he ever had. He counted to ten, opened the door and saw her coming out of the bathroom, her eyes puffy and red rimmed. Not waiting for her to speak; he ran to her, gathered her in his arms and kissed her soundly on the lips. Only stopping to draw in a breath, he repositioned his lips before allowing his tongue to dance across her lips and into her mouth. She didn't object.

"Wow!" she mumbled as her forehead dropped against his chest.

"Wow!" he echoed, kissing her head.

"What was that for?" she asked, slowly making eye contact with him once more.

"Just very glad to be coming home to you," he replied, kissing her head once more.

"What happened with Kathy?" she asked, her body still pressed into his.

She could feel him shake his head but she wanted answers. She pulled back. "Tell me?"

"I'll give you the highlights," he said, leaving his arm around her and sitting them on the edge of the bed.

"Okay," she replied, leaning into him.

"Got there … Kathy was there … we had coffee … she asked me what was wrong … I told her and that was it…" he reported, his voice a controlled eveness which she could see right through.

"I think I need more than the highlights, El," she said gently. "How did she get you so upset?"

"Who says I'm upset?" he retorted trying to move away but she wouldn't let him.

"I say … what did Kathy do?" Olivia pushed.

"She said…" he began, drawing a breath. "She thinks it's a good idea if I move back into the house while I'm having treatment. I told her no, I already had it sorted… I do, don't I? I can stay…" he asked nervously.

"Of course you can stay," Olivia said, holding him tighter.

"Great," Elliot smiled in relief, "Anyway, she said I should move in, I said I'd made arrangements. She said she wanted me to move in and it was what was best for me, I told her I'd organised things the way I wanted them. She said this was about more than just what I wanted … it was about what was best for all concerned … for me and the kids… I told her it was about I wanted and being at the house wasn't it. And then the yelling started."

He dropped his head and thought about the fury he felt storming out of his former house … this once he thought he was entitled to have things be just about him … Olivia knew that, he couldn't fathom why the woman he was married to for twenty years couldn't see it. He had driven around for ages trying to calm himself but it didn't work. Turning the car towards Olivia's, he'd been overwhelmed with the need just to see her, to touch her, to kiss her.

"So, she didn't manage to persuade you?" Olivia asked, almost involuntarily.

"Nope!" he grinned. "Someone recently told me this was about what I wanted … and I believed it."

"Are you sure you don't want to be there?" she asked, just having to check again.

"I'm right where I want to be …" he said, kissing her head. "And it is all about me, right?"

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	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

For a while longer, they sat on the bed before Elliot yawned for the third time. Olivia stood up and pulled the covers back, his continuing fatigue a symptom of his illness.

"You need to go to sleep," she said, kneeling down and taking off his shoes.

"Nah, I'm fine," he protested, trying to wave away her hands.

"You are not … you're tired," she replied, unbuttoning his jacket.

"Liv, honestly, I'm…" Further words were replaced by another yawn.

"El, repeat after me … 'I am tired, I'm going to sleep'," Olivia said, as she pulled off his jacket.

"Liv, I'm not…" he protested.

"Say it," she said sternly, though her eyes still twinkled. He went to protest but she shook her head. "Say it," she repeated, cradling his face in her hands, her nose inches from his.

"I am tired, I'm going to sleep," he echoed and she grinned, breaking away from him.

"Good…and when you wake up I'll even let you take me to dinner," she said as she closed the blinds.

"I knew there was something in it for you," he grinned, crawling between the sheets.

"Sleep," she said, heading to the door.

"Aren't you tired too?" he grinned, propping up on one elbow and patting the bed beside him.

"No, I've got some files to finish for Don," she replied.

"But…" he went to protest.

"Look, El … I need to get them done, but I promise I'll come in and have a nap before dinner, okay?" she smiled and he couldn't help but smile back.

Olivia waded through a stack of paper work, knowing she needed to get it done sooner rather than later. Once the day of surgery approached she would have more things on her mind than the files. Twice she'd gone in to check on him, not expecting him to sleep for more than an hour or two, but as the clock ticked over to six, she knew she'd have to wake him or he wouldn't sleep that night.

Slipping into the bed, Olivia lay on her back, relishing the warmth she felt emanating from him. Within minutes he rolled over, his head on her pillow, his face an inch from hers, his left arm draped across her body, while his left leg seemed to find it's own home, sliding down between her legs as his body leant on hers.

She dragged her left arm from underneath him and raked her fingers through his hair.

"Hmmmmmm, Liv," he mumbled as she increased the pressure. She pressed her lips against his head as her right hand came around to rest on his back, cradling him to her.

"Hey," she soothed as he stirred. "Sleep well?"

"Aha," he muttered sleepily, repositioning himself so he was more on top of her than the bed.

"Good," she whispered, kissing his head again.

"Mmmm, Livvy," he murmured as she moved underneath him bringing his body to rest atop hers, his head resting on her chest, his lower body nestled between her legs. It was the most intimate position they'd ever been in.

Slowly, Elliot became more alert and aware of where he was. He tried to move but Olivia had wound her legs around his, her heels keeping them in place. Lifting his head, hefound her eyes shut and thinking she was asleep, tried to carefully extract himself. Olivia wouldn't let him.

"Don't move," she whispered, surprising him. "Unless you're not comfortable," she added.

"I'm very comfortable," he replied, looking up at her. "I just don't think you…" he began.

"Don't worry about me, I'm fine," she smiled, her eyes open but heavy.

"Liv… our … um … relationship … we are … um … well, before this we were partners … and … um …" he stopped, not knowing where to go with this particular train of thought.

"Our relationship has changed, El, for the better," she said, helping him out, as he moved up and looked at her. Reaching up, she kissed him gently. "It's changed because I lo…" Anything else was lost as his lips claimed hers, his tongue exploring her mouth.

Grinning, he eventually pulled back.

"As I was saying, before I was interrupted, Elliot. I do lo…" Once again her words were lost as his lips locked onto hers, this time for much longer. Her legs gripped around his and she moaned as her body arched under his.

"Don't do that, Liv," he reprimanded gently as he pulled back.

"Do what?" she asked breathlessly.

"Moan and move like that," he said, knowing he was already very turned on, and that wouldn't help matters.

"Well, let me speak then," she said, moving her hands up to cradle his face. "I'm trying to say I lo…" This time it was his finger on her lips.

"No," he whispered, shaking his head. "Don't say it."

"Why not?" she asked, her eyes tearing up.

"Because I don't think I'm in the right position to…" he began.

"I think you're in the perfect position," she replied, arching up again and smiling as a small groan passed his lips.

"Liv … I don't want to make this any harder…" he stopped as she smiled against his lips. "Let me rephrase that … more difficult …"

"How will me using the 'L' word make things more difficult?" she asked, her fingers laced behind his head.

"It just will …" he whispered. "I just don't think now's the time. Not with ... well, with things they way they are."

"Okay," she conceded, giving in to the pleading look in his eyes. "I won't use _that _'L' word … but just so you know, I _like _you very much, Elliot Stabler, and I will _like _you for a long while to come."

"I _like_ you too, Olivia," he smiled with relief.

"And El, you know the thing you said in the car, - the 'like' the one you're with thing?" she asked, and he nodded. "I can be, and am with the one I want," she whispered as her lips met his, passionately.

Elliot's body pushed against hers as he moved up to deepen the kiss, she groaned at the feel of his arousal pressing into her.

"Oh god," she moaned as she tried to press into him, desperate for more than just his words and lips.

"Liv, don't," he growled, as her hands moved into the back pockets of his sweats, cupping his butt.

"Why not?" she groaned, her lips desperately sucking at his neck.

"'Cos we shouldn't … we can't…" he said, his actions not matching his words.

"Why not?" she repeated, feeling her wetness pool between her legs; desperate for some relief, desperate for him. She stopped for a moment and looked deeply into his eyes. "El, I do _like_ you, very much … and I really want to _like_ you like this but if this isn't what you want, then I'll stop."

"I don't really want to stop, Livia," he whispered, kissing her nose. "It's just, that with this thing, I don't want to affect you…"

"El, making _like_ is not going to affect me, you won't make me sick… it's not contagious," she whispered.

"But the brochure said that contact…" he began.

"That's with the chemo and radiation, sweetheart," she replied, kissing him. "Right now, is okay … so long as you're up to it." He thrust gently against her; there was no mistake he was up for it.

He sighed deeply. "So, I can show you how much I like you?"

She nodded as he kissed her deeply, causing another moan to rise up from her belly and escape into his mouth. Her body writhed beneath his, every cell of her being desperate to merge with his. He wedged one hand between them, sliding it down between them trying to undo the knot in his drawstring, so he could rid himself of his pants. He fiddled but it wouldn't come undone. He tugged hard on the problematic string, hoping to force the issue but it wasn't cooperating, so he tried harder, his fingers working in a flurry to free the unwanted garment.

Alas, the combination of his fingers, her state of high arousal and the location of the drawstring, Olivia could wait no longer. Involuntarily, her legs locked around him as her body arched and she chanted his name, clawing at his shirt, trying to draw his body into hers as if their clothing wasn't there.

Watching Olivia ride out her orgasm, and the friction of her writhing body sent him over the edge. Her name rasped from his throat as he collapsed onto her, drowning his clothes and hers in his seed before he could think to stop. It was only as the moment passed he became aware of the mess he had created and his embarrassment grew.

"God, I'm so sorry, Liv," he said, burying his face in her neck.

"For what?" she replied, her fingers splayed through his hair.

"Making a mess," he said as she kissed his head.

"Think I already made one," she replied, a guilty smile on her face.

"Yeah, I think you did," he agreed, smiling back.

"Well, that's a first for me," she admitted.

"What is?" he asked, rolling onto his side of the bed.

"Coming like that … before sex," she said, rolling onto him.

"Me too," he agreed.

"Maybe it was all the foreplay," she conceded.

"What the last twenty minutes?" he asked, stroking her hair.

"No, the last two years," she corrected. Not wanting to admit it was long before his divorce was ever final.

"Maybe," he agreed, running his fingers through her hair. "Just imagine what it would be like with our clothes off."

"Why do we have to imagine?" she asked, tugging at his tee.

"No idea," he grinned, nipping at her lip. "But I do think we should have a shower first."

They had managed to extract themselves and head towards the bathroom when Elliot's cell rang. He looked down at the screen as it sat on the sidetable, it was Maureen. He looked from the cell to Olivia.

"Answer it," she prompted, knowing that they couldn't ignore one of his kids.

"Hey, Mo," Elliot said, trying not to let her hear his lust filled voice.

"Oh, daddy," she cried. "I just spoke to mom and she told me … the news … that you were …Oh, daddy..."

"Hey baby, baby, shhh," he soothed. "Where are you?"

"My place," she sobbed.

"I'll be there in twenty minutes, baby, stop crying," Elliot pleaded. He closed the phone and looked at Olivia.

"Raincheck?" he asked. "Maureen knows!" She nodded before kissing him and pushing him towards the bathroom.

Sitting back down on the bed, Olivia picked up his pillow and held it to her, his scent already embedded in the fabric. She tried to figure out what had just happened, they had slept together, they'd declared their love, though it was in the guise of like, they'd come together but they hadn't actually had sex.

She laughed; they could never do things the normal way.

**Don't forget to review!**


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

**To all my fellow Australians (and those who wish they were) Happy Australia Day! Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi**

The deep recesses of Olivia's mind registered Elliot coming home, struggling she opened her eyes and saw it was midnight. Reaching across she pulled back the covers for him and waited for him to slip in beside her. When she opened her eyes again she realised nearly an hour had past and his side of the bed was still cold.

Yawning, she swung her legs from under the covers and padded to the living room. Elliot was sitting on the sofa, an empty beer bottle on the coffee table and Olivia's framed photo of her and his kids in his hands.

"Hey, baby," she whispered, sitting beside him and swinging her legs over his. Immediately, he pulled her into his lap, his arms circling her waist as his head rested on her chest.

"Hey," he whispered. "Did I wake you?"

"No." She kissed his head. "I was just wondering where you were."

"Yeah, sorry. I got sidetracked," he replied, looking back down at the five smiling faced in front of him.

"How's Mo?" she asked, nestling into him more.

"Oh, she's a bit upset," he said, his eyes fixed on his eldest daughter's face.

"I thought you were going to tell them all Monday," she said, her fingers, scraping his scalp.

"Kathy told her," he sighed, his heart heavy at his daughter's distress.

"Why?" Olivia questioned, caressing his head.

"Mo says Kathy called her about something else and seemed upset … Mo asked, she told …" he trailed.

"What do you think?" she asked, kissing his head.

"I think Kathy was just being Kathy, didn't want it on my terms," he sighed and pressed closer to Olivia.

"Why don't you come to bed, babe?" she asked, kissing his head again.

"Yeah, I will in a minute," he replied, his eyes still focused on his children. "You go though," he prompted.

"Nah, I'd rather just hang out with you," she whispered, resting her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes. He just smiled.

Soon Olivia drifted off, content just to be with him. Elliot leant back into the sofa and gently eased them both down, grabbing the throw rug from the arm and covering them. He knew it would be better just to carry her back to bed but for now he was happy just to stay put. He kissed her cheek as he settled down behind her, wrapping his arm around her waist and resting his chin on her shoulder.

The vibrations of Elliot's cell bouncing on the coffee table woke Olivia and she reached out to grab it, not wanting it to wake him. She glanced at the screen, it was Maureen and it was 2:17 AM.

"Hey, Mo," she whispered.

"Oh, Liv? Um… isn't that dad's phone?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, it is … he's asleep. Do you want me to wake him?" Olivia asked.

"No, no," Maureen replied. "I thought it would go to voice mail…I just needed to hear his voice…"

"Oh," Olivia said, not really knowing what else to say.

"Liv, dad said he was staying with you, right?" Maureen asked.

"That's right," she replied, resting her hand on his which was splayed across her stomach.

"You are going to look after him, aren't you?" she asked tearfully.

"Of course I am, honey," she whispered.

"He's going to be alright, isn't he? I mean he said he would be but you know how he is…" she stopped.

"Mo, why don't you jump in a cab and come over?" Olivia offered.

"No, it's okay … it's just that … well… you know … on the job I always knew there was a chance … a chance of things not going well … but you were always there and I was alright about it … but… um… this is different… and even though you're there … it's not something you can save him from … and my mind is going through everything and … and…" she paused, trying to catch her breath.

"And you just needed to hear your daddy's voice?" Olivia soothed. She heard Maureen sob. "Sweetheart, come over … it's okay … really, come and be with your dad."

Thirty minutes later, Elliot's phone vibrated again and Olivia answered it, extracting herself from his arms and the sofa.

"I'm downstairs, Liv," Maureen said. "Didn't want to buzz and wake him."

"Come on up," Olivia said, pressing the button. She undid the locks and waited for the elevator to reach her floor.

When it did, Maureen stepped off, her pyjamas still on under her overcoat and an overnight bag in her hand. The moment she saw Olivia at the door she ran to her, dropping the bag at her feet.

"Hey, hey, Mo," Olivia soothed, embracing her. "It's okay, honey."

"Oh, Liv," she sobbed. Olivia reached back and pulled the door over, not wanting to wake Elliot.

"Shhh. Shhh," she whispered. "It's going to be okay."

"I know you say that," she sobbed, wiping at her eyes. "But …"

"But what, baby?" she asked as Maureen hugged her tightly.

"You know Marcy Keegan, my friend from high school?" Olivia nodded, having met the girl at various celebrations at the Stabler's. "Her mom just died from leukaemia and they said there was only a small chance of that happening but it did and if it could happen to her then…"

"Oh god, baby," Olivia said, holding the young woman tightly. "Shh, shh."

"Sorry," she mumbled eventually pulling back from her.

"Don't apologise, Mo, it's okay. Look, there are no guarantees …ever … but we have to think positive … and take care of him and love him," Olivia said softly.

"You do love him too, don't you?" Maureen asked and Olivia nodded. "He absolutely loves you too."

"How do you know that?" Olivia asked, tears filling her eyes.

"Whenever things are really bad for dad, when he's really stressed, he's always hanging on to something of yours," she said, leaning against the hallway wall, suddenly very tired.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"One of dad's tells, when he's really worried, is that he doesn't yell or shout or argue … he's usually pretty quiet and he is holding something of yours…" she paused when she saw the confusion in Olivia's eyes. "Like tonight … I was upset and he was really quiet … I mean he said how he wanted to tell us kids altogether and I was really pissed mom had told me … she couldn't even let him do it the way he wanted. I would have expected him to be angry about it but when I looked at him he had taken off his watch and was running his fingers around the band over and over again … the watch you gave him for his fortieth."

"Oh," Olivia muttered.

"And when I thought about it after he'd left, I saw the pattern. Tonight it was the watch, when he was telling us about the divorce, he played with one of those handcuff cufflinks you'd given him … when he was home a few years back after he'd been injured and he was worried about the job, I found him laying on the sofa with the jacket you'd left behind under his head …" she said, smiling at Olivia. "He loves you, Livvy."

"He loves you too," Olivia countered, trying to redirect the conversation.

"Has he told you?" she asked,

"No … and I haven't told him …" Olivia said, not for want of trying. "So you don't say anything either, okay?"

"Why?" Maureen protested.

"Because your dad doesn't think this is the right time and…" she began.

"It's the perfect time," Maureen interrupted.

"Maureen, it's about what your dad wants, okay?" she cautioned. Maureen nodded. "Now, let's go inside … your dad's asleep on the sofa."

Maureen stopped at the back of the sofa and looked down on Elliot before looking back at Olivia. "He doesn't sleep here all the time, does he?"

"No … he usually sleeps in there," Olivia said, nodding towards her bedroom.

"And you…?" she probed.

"I sleep in there with him … but before you jump to ANY conclusions, Maureen, we just sleep … nothing else…" Olivia whispered.

"Okay…" Maureen replied, doubt in her voice.

"Hate to break this to you, kiddo," Olivia said, "Your dad and I haven't done anything to warrant that tone of voice." And technically, she wasn't lying.

"Sorry," Maureen nodded.

"Now, you can sleep in the guest room and you can see your dad first thing, okay?" Olivia said, opening the door to the room.

When Maureen was settled, Olivia came back to Elliot and sat down on the sofa, gently shaking him.

"El, Elliot, wake up," she whispered.

"Hmmmm," he muttered as she bent down and kissed his head.

"Wake up, baby," she said.

"What's up?" he mumbled stretching.

"You need to come to bed and sleep properly," Olivia said, pulling the rug from around him.

"I'm more than comfortable here," he said, his eyes finally focussing on Olivia's face.

"I know, but I'll be lonely in there without you," she said, kissing his forehead.

Helping him off the sofa, Olivia wrapped her arm around his waist and walked into the bedroom. Within minutes they were entwined in the darkness, Olivia's heavy eyelids finally closing as he kissed her head. It was already three.

"Did you have an ulterior motive bringing me in here, Livvy?" he asked, pulling her a little closer.

"No," she lied. She did, she knew he was exhausted and would sleep at least until noon, something he wouldn't be able to do with her and Maureen in the apartment.

"Like you, Liv," he whispered kissing her head again.

"Like you too, El," she replied, kissing his chest.

It was past midday when Olivia slipped back into the bed and snuggled into Elliot, wanting to wake him gently. Her fingers moved over his face, tenderly caressing his cheek, before moving to his head and raking through his hair. It was a slow journey back to awareness for Elliot.

"Mmmmm, Livvy," he moaned, reaching out to touch her.

"Hey baby," she whispered, her lips brushing against him.

"Morning," he said, pulling her into him.

"Afternoon," she replied.  
"Huh?" Elliot opened his eyes and looked over at the clock. "I slept so long?"

"Yeah, you did. How do you feel?" she asked, inhaling deeply as his hand gently swept down her body, stopping on her abdomen.

"Tired," he replied. "I'm not great company, sorry."

Olivia sat up and they both repositioned themselves so he was cradled in her arms. "That's okay, I've had company all morning."  
"Yeah? Who?" he asked, smiling up at her.

"Maureen spent the night," she explained.

"Here? She spent the night here?" he asked, struggling to sit up.

"Yeah," Olivia nodded, keeping him in place.

"Why? How?" he questioned, looking up at her.

"When we were asleep on the sofa she rang your cell, wanting to hear your voice but I answered, we chatted and she came over …" Olivia said, just giving the basic details. "And stayed."

"Is she okay? I mean I knew the kids would be upset but I didn't expect her to be so … so…upset," Elliot said, not sure how to explain his eldest daughter's state by the time he got to her last night.

"Mo is doing much better today … she is upset about you being ill, and she's scared that- " Olivia started.

"But I explained to her that I'd be okay … that it wouldn't … that I'd be okay," he said.

"I know, baby," she said gently, kissing his head.

"Didn't she believe me?" he asked, moving to get out of bed.

"She did but …" Olivia stopped herself, maybe now wasn't the best time to give the reasons.

"But what, Liv?" he asked, moving back across to her.

"You know her friend, Marcy Keegan?" she asked and he nodded, the girls had been inseparable for years. "You know her mom's been sick?" He nodded again. "She died." Colour drained from Elliot's face as his eyes locked with Olivia's.

"She died?" he gritted out.

"Yeah … so Mo was pretty upset," she said gently, tenderly placing a kiss on his forehead.

"Where is she?" he asked, climbing out of bed.

"She's not here, baby, she's gone to pick up Kathleen and the twins," Olivia explained, reaching for his hand.

"Why?" He shook his head.

"Mo thinks it's best if you tell them, in your own words … before … um … before Kathy does …" Olivia said softly, following him out of bed.

"Yeah, okay," he said as she hugged him.

"They should be here in about an hour," Olivia said.

"Yeah, okay," he repeated, not sure of what else to say.

"You need something, El?" she asked as he pulled her in for a tight embrace.

"Nah, got everything I need right here."

**Don't forget to review!**

**School resumes this Wednesday for staff and thus my summer holidays will have ended. We're going back to very hot conditions with the forecast sitting around 39oC (over 104oF) for the three days we're back - lucky us, hey? Not! We've had zero rain for January and the drought continues to make things difficult. **

**Currently I'm working on Ch 26, so there's lots, lots more of this story to come and the updates will still be as regular as I can make them, just so long as people review.**


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

**We're having a heatwave - a once in a century thing... it spent a long time in the mid 40's today (112oF+) - as it did yesterday, and will do tomorrow. We're suppose to be staying in when we can and I figured as you guys on the other side are having the extreme opposite and also have to spend time in doors then we may as well be reading ff.**

Olivia was in the kitchen searching through her cupboards to see if there was anything resembling food she could feed Elliot's kids, meanwhile, Elliot was in the bedroom getting changed. He didn't really have much to choose from, having only brought the basics with him. In the end he pulled on his jeans and then debated a while longer about what to wear on top. He grabbed the blue denim shirt from his bag before opening Olivia's closet, he scanned the shelves before picking up a navy tee with NYPD printed in white across the back. He held it up and as it unfolded he realised it was his, one he'd worn to her apartment about two years ago for an impromptu poker night, one which Fin had drowned in chilli sauce when the bottle slipped. Under Olivia's instruction and supervision, he'd removed the shirt and put it in soak, buttoning up his over shirt instead. He'd long forgotten about it.

Bringing the shirt up to his face, he inhaled deeply. It smelt of Olivia, her jasmine and frangipani soap embedded in the fabric. He smiled; it was as close to her as he was going to get for the next few hours. Slipping the shirt over his head, Elliot left it hanging loosely, testament to his ongoing weight loss, he tossed his shirt back to his bag, wanting Olivia to see it on him. Still caught up in his own thoughts, he didn't hear her come back into the bedroom.

"You wearing my tee?" she asked running her left hand up his arm and around his shoulder.

"Actually, it's mine," he corrected, curling his arms around her waist.

"Oh, I don't think so," she said, her right hand moving around him. "I've been wearing it."

"I know, it smells," he chuckled.

"Is that a bad thing?" she asked, allowing herself to be drawn into his arms.

"No, it's a very good thing," he whispered, his face dropping into her hair. He took the opportunity to inhale deeply, it was better than any medicine.

Olivia stood there, having no idea what to say to him, she held him a little tighter.

"It's going to be okay, baby," he said gently as she sighed against his chest. Looking up at him she smiled before kissing his cheek, she was the one who was supposed to be reassuring him.

"Of course it is," she agreed as his lips came down to hers. Any kiss was disrupted by her cell ringing. She grabbed it from her pocket.

"Benson," she said, as Elliot continued to hold and kiss her.

"Hey, Liv, it's me," Maureen said.

"Hey, Mo," she replied. "Where are you?"

"Just picked up the terrible twosome and we're headed to you," she said, over the voices in the car.

"They sound happy?" Olivia said.

"As high as kites, think they OD'd on sugar this weekend," she reported.

"Have you picked up Kathleen yet?" Olivia asked, as Elliot's fingers dragged through her hair.

"Yeah, but be warned she's in a real pissy mood," Maureen said. Olivia couldn't help but smile as she heard Kathleen snap back and then the girls argue.

"Mo, Mo," she called when the exchange became heated. "Take it easy, you're driving."

Elliot pulled back from Olivia before reaching out for the phone; she shook her head, this was a stress he didn't need.

"Yes, Liv," Maureen replied. "We'll be there in ten." Olivia closed and pocketed her phone.

"They'll be here in ten," she informed him.

"All not well?" he asked, pulling her back to him.

"Well, apparently the twins are on a sugar high from their night with their cousins and Kathleen is in a 'real pissy mood' to quote Mo," she said, her hand caressing his face.

"So things aren't new then," he sighed, fed up with Kathleen's permanent bad mood and negative attitude.

Hearing the raised voices of his children coming along the hallway, Elliot opened the door before they managed to knock.

"Hey, dad," Dickie said, giving him a quick hug as he stepped into Olivia's apartment, Lizzie followed suit. Maureen hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek before seeking out Olivia and Kathleen gave him a brief hug but didn't even bother making eye contact.

"Will this take long?" she asked, sitting in the armchair, her arms folded across her chest.

"Shouldn't," Elliot replied, he'd promised to keep his cool and this was the first test. "Got somewhere to be?"

"Yeah, anywhere else," she retorted, and Elliot started counting to ten.

"So, daddy," Lizzie said, bouncing on the sofa. "What's the big news?" she asked, her eyes widening in anticipation.

"We'll wait for Liv," he said, glancing towards the kitchen, wondering what was keeping her, needing her to be there, in the same room when he told the kids.

A huge grin broke out on Lizzie's face as she punched her brother's arm. "I told you, Dickie," she taunted. "It is about dad and Liv … you owe me ten bucks."

"Only if they're engaged though, Liz, that was the bet," he said to his twin sister. "You're not engaged to Liv, are you?" he asked his father hopefully. He had no money to pay up.

"No, we're not engaged," he said quietly as Maureen came in with a tray of drinks.

"Hah!" Dickie said to Lizzie.

"I don't care … so long as it's about daddy and Aunty Liv, I don't care," she grinned. The older girls and Dickie had long given up on calling her aunty but even at sixteen, Lizzie still used the term, hopelessly romantic, she'd held onto the childish notion that if she kept referring to Olivia as a relative, then it would come true in some shape or form.

"Liz, ssh," Maureen cautioned, looking up at Elliot. "Let dad speak."

"Is Liv coming?" he asked.

"She wasn't sure …" Maureen began.

"Yeah … I do…" he finished. Maureen went back to get her but Elliot's response was enough to delight Lizzie.

"I do, hey, dad?" she grinned. "Are you sure we're not hearing wedding bells?"

"Is this what all this is about?" Kathleen asked, pocketing her cell. "Are we here because you want to 'officially' tell us what we've known for years?" she sniped.

"And what would that be?" Elliot asked, clenching his fists and trying to diffuse his anger.

"That you and her have been screwing for years and …" Kathleen began but stopped abruptly when Olivia dropped the glass she was carrying, smashing it on the tiles beneath her feet.

"Kathleen!" Maureen exclaimed, when she saw Olivia's face.

"Oh shut up, Miss Goody Two Shoes," she spat, crossing the living room.

"You need to listen to what dad has to say," she said as Kathleen reached the door.

"I don't have to listen to anything … wow, dad's got a girlfriend … or should I say partner, wow, he's screwing her, could do better but hey, at his age…So, big deal … can I get on with my life now?" Without waiting for a response she left. Momentarily stunned by Kathleen's performance, no one inside the apartment moved.

"I'll go talk to her," Maureen said, looking between her father and Olivia. Neither seemed capable of replying so she left.

"I'll … um … just clean this up," Olivia said, biting down on her bottom lip, not wanting Elliot to see how upset she was … not daring to look at him and see how upset he was. Elliot looked over to his twins, both kneeling on the sofa having watched the scene play out …both shell shocked.

"That wasn't your news, was it, dad?" Dickie finally asked.

"Ah, no, it wasn't," he said, coming to sit between them he took their hands in his and suddenly his youngest children felt incredibly scared.

"Now, let's just clear up something," he said, looking from one to the other. "Olivia and I are very close; we are partners, despite what Kathleen thinks, we've never done anything we shouldn't have. I care about her very much but that's not what this is about, okay?" Both nodded. "Okay," he sighed before drawing in a deep breath. "It seems I have a health problem and I need to have surgery on Thursday then some follow up treatment."

"What's wrong, dad?" Dickie asked as he watched Lizzie's eyes tear up, they both knew their dad wouldn't be telling them this if it wasn't something serious. Even when he was shot last time, he'd told them it was only a scratch, and he only told them then because there was physical evidence. Neither could remember him ever acknowledging any illness which wasn't work related and although they were sixteen they felt six, as Elliot squeezed their hands.

"The official name is Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and …" he began before Lizzie threw herself into his arms, sobbing into his neck. "Hey, baby girl," he soothed. "It's not that bad, honestly. The doctor says it all looks good…"

"But it's cancer, isn't it?" she sobbed, clinging to him.

"Yes, but with a great recovery rate," soothed Elliot, rubbing her back.

"But you'll have to have chemo, right?" Dickie asked, his blue eyes filling with tears.

"Chemo and maybe radiation," Elliot replied and it was enough to cause his son's tears to spill over. He gathered him in an embrace as well.

As Olivia moved to sweep up the rest of the glass the apartment door swung open again and his eldest girls came in; Kathleen's sour expression replaced by one guilt and pain.

"Oh god, dad, I'm so sorry," she sobbed, kneeling behind Lizzie and embracing all three of them. Maureen leant over the back of the sofa, and hugged him, her tears running down his neck.

"Guys," he said, "It's not really this bad. Come on, it's okay."

Dickie was the first to pull away, hiding his face from his sisters, so they wouldn't see his tears. Elliot grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "I'll be okay, son. I can beat this."

Gradually, his girls let go and Kathleen moved over to Olivia. "Can I help you, Liv?" she asked quietly.

"No, thank you, Kathleen," Olivia replied formally, walking into the kitchen, emptying the dustpan.

"I'm sorry, Liv … for the way I spoke before …" Kathleen apologised, following her in.

"You know something, Kathleen," Olivia whispered. "You probably are sorry but I really don't want to hear it."

"Honestly, Liv … I want …" she began.

"This is about your father, not us … you got a problem with me, bad luck, deal with it," Olivia retorted, tired of Kathleen's behaviour and the effect it had had on Elliot over recent years.

"But I'm really sorry," she apologised.

"Words mean nothing, if you're sorry act sorry," she said, passing by her and back into the living room.

"Everything alright?" Elliot asked, meeting her in the doorway.

"Everything is fine," Olivia said abruptly, not meeting his gaze. "I've got some files to finish." She walked into the study and closed the door behind her, giving into the tears she'd been fighting. As she grabbed a Kleenex there was a soft rapping on the door, she ignored it and continued to stand in front of the window, hoping the rest of New York was having a better Sunday than she was.

"Hey, Liv," Elliot said, opening the door and coming in. He shut the door behind him and moved over to her, embracing her from behind. "Don't cry, baby," he whispered, kissing her ear.

She shook her head. "Is it wrong to want to slap her silly?" she asked, drying her eyes with her sleeve.

"No, it's not. She can be infuriating at times," he replied, turning her around in his arm and kissing her forehead.

"Does she hate me that much?" Olivia asked, playing with the collar on his tee.

"She doesn't hate you at all…" he began but stopped when she looked at him sceptically. "Well, she doesn't hate you specifically … don't think she likes many things these days, you just got caught in the firing line," he said, kissing her forehead again. "I'm sorry, Liv."

"Don't apologise, El, not for her… I guess, with everything I'm just being oversensitive," Olivia replied, finally wrapping her arms around him.

"I think you need an early night," he whispered, kissing her nose.

"I think you're right," she replied. "So do you."

"I know," he grinned. "Too early to go now?"

"Well, it's not yet three, may be a bit early, and you have four children out there," she reminded him gently.

"Oh yeah," he whispered as she held to him.

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	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

**Where ever you are, stay cool or stay warm!**

In the darkened study with her desk lamp aglow, Olivia tried to get through as many files as she could. It was a deal she had made with Cragen when she had called him to organise her leave. Unable to find two replacements and knowing the squad was already inundated with new cases and old paperwork, Cragen struggled to approve her leave. Wanting to spend time with Elliot, Olivia had quickly agreed to take on a mountain of paper work at home, hoping it would give Don enough time to find a second detective and then be able to formally agree to Olivia's request.

Olivia hadn't told Elliot the extent of the workload, just telling him it was to finalise some case files. She didn't want him to worry and she definitely didn't want his help; even in the squad room his 'help' often served to be more of a hindrance.

When she heard the lock on the apartment door turn she smiled, Elliot had taken his kids out for the afternoon and then to an early dinner, not wanting to intrude and wanting to get a start on the files she had declined his pleading offer. Now he was home she'd make it up to him, anyway he wanted.

"Hello, handsome," she said coming out of the study.

"Hello, Liv," replied Maureen, grinning at Olivia's response. "Guess you weren't expecting me, hey?"

"Um, no," she replied.

"Well, dad's just dropping the kids off but I had to come back here and grab my bag … I told him I'd get a cab," she explained, heading to the guest room to collect her stuff.

"How was dinner?" Olivia asked, her stomach rumbling at the mere mention of food.

"It was okay … would have been better if you had come," Maureen said, dropping her bag on the sofa.

"Well, given the earlier scene …" Olivia began.

"Kathleen and her 'scenes', god, she's such a bitch --" she started.

"Mo, don't talk about her like that," Olivia interrupted.

"Why not? She is. You can't tell me she didn't upset you earlier," Maureen said moving around to Olivia.

"That's not the point," she replied. "She's your sister …"

"She's a pain in the ass," Maureen interjected. "She has no right to say anything to upset you," she said, hugging Olivia tightly. "You just remember that dad's not the only one who loves you."

"Thanks, Mo," she whispered, glad she had at least one ally in the battle ahead.

Soon Maureen pulled back. "Now, Livvy," she said. "We have to feed you. Dad said to make sure you ate something."

"I'll find something, it's okay," she replied.

"There's nothing in those cupboards … I know I checked," Maureen said, waving towards the kitchen.

"When?" asked Olivia.

"About 7:00 AM, I was hungry and …" she began.

"Sorry, I don't normally have so many visitors," said Olivia, leaning against the sofa.

"That's okay, next week when I stay over I'll bring a ration pack," Maureen smiled.

"Next week?" Olivia asked.

"You don't mind, do you? I just thought if this was where dad was staying then I could …" Maureen began in a rush.

"I don't mind at all," Olivia smiled, patting her arm.

"Great … now, food … want me to go out and get you something?" she asked. "It's no trouble."

"It's okay, I'll order in," she replied. "You go home."

By the time Elliot had returned, Maureen had gone and Olivia was back at her desk, ignoring her rumbling stomach.

"Liv? Baby?" Elliot called out and she grinned. She never liked baby as a term of endearment until it came from Elliot's lips.

"Hey," she said, meeting him in the living room.

"Bet you haven't eaten," he said, raising the bag in his hand. "All your favourites from Zorba's Palace … including those stuffed vine leaves … still got no idea how you can eat them."

"You didn't have to," she said, kissing his cheek and taking the bag.

"It's the least I can do for the woman I like," Elliot said, guiding her around to the sofa. "You sit and start eating; I'll go get you a drink."

"Mo call you?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah," he yelled from the kitchen. "But Zorba's was my idea."

She waited until he was sitting beside him before she kissed him deeply. "What's that for?" he asked, his eyes glistening.

"It's a thank you kiss," she grinned before returning her attention to the containers of food before her.

"Imagine what I would have got if I had bought the baklava," he teased.

"You'll get that anyway." She winked before grabbing the lamb. Just as quickly he took it away from her.

"Don't you think this can wait then?" he all but groaned, kissing her collarbone.

"I need to build up my strength," she replied. "I'd hate to run out of energy."

Elliot grabbed the fork and hurried to feed her. Hoping that this time he'd be able to get his clothes off before exploding … but with the way she was looking at him wasn't sure if that was remotely possible.

Soon Olivia took the fork back and ate slowly; it wasn't that she wanted to torture Elliot … well, not only that … she didn't want to give herself indigestion. A few times she dared to glance over at him only to find him watching her intently.

"Want some?" she finally asked, holding up the fork.

"Yeah," he groaned. She moved the fork towards him. "Not food, Liv, you. Only you."

It was the final straw.

The fork dropped from her hand and clattered onto the table as Olivia turned around, kneeling up on the sofa to give her the leverage she needed. She snaked her arms around his neck, kissing him deeply as she pushed him onto his back. His hands were under her tee lovingly caressing her but soon she was struggling to pull back.

"Changed your mind?" he asked disappointed as she crawled off him.

"Nope," she grinned. "Just figured we'd be more comfortable in the bedroom."

Elliot was off the sofa and at the door before she could open it. He nuzzled her neck and brought his hand around her waist and under her tee to rest on her abdomen. She pushed back into him as his lips teased her shoulder, she groaned when contact was made with his hardening length. In response, Elliot moaned loudly in her ear as shockwaves shot through his body. Instinctively he tried to pull her closer only to have her pull away completely.

As he tried to reach for her she darted to the other side of the bed, leaving him confused. "Liv?"

"Don't know about you, El," she said as she unbuttoned her jeans. "I intend to be fully naked and writhing underneath you when I come this time and it's not going to happen if you keep touching me like that."

His eyes followed her jeans down her long legs before making trip back up, stopping when he saw her slender fingers grip the hem of her tee. Quickly, she pulled it off, leaving her standing there in a pale blue bra and panties set. Elliot closed his eyes and counted to ten … if he was going to save himself for her he wasn't going to be able to keep looking at her stunning, barely clad, form.

When he dared to open his eyes again her bra and panties were on the floor and she was under the covers draped in a white cotton sheet.

"No rush," she whispered when he made eye contact with her. His tee was discarded rapidly as he toed off his shoes and socks. When it came to his fly he seemed to be having difficulty.

"Want me to help?" Olivia cooed, kneeling before him on the bed, the sheet wrapped around her.

"Not sure if … um … if that would be the best idea," he said, eyes fixed on the sheet, remembering what happened the last time he tried, unsuccessfully, to undo his pants.

"Close your eyes and think of something else," she soothed as her hands moved his away and worked the zipper. A thread had caught in its teeth, causing it to stick.

Intoxicated by her scent, hardened beyond belief and having her hands in the same vicinity as the majority of his blood, made thinking of anything else impossible.

"God, Liv," he groaned as she tugged and pulled.

"You'll have to wriggle out of them," she suggested, pushing the waistband down on the sides.

"Don't know if that is actually possible," he gritted as she pulled at the jeans.

"No wriggling, no writhing," she cautioned playfully, her hair brushing his chest causing him to catch his breath. Holding the top of his jeans he pulled forcefully breaking the zip altogether, nothing was going to stop this going the way it should.

His boxers went with his jeans and Olivia smiled when she saw what was waiting for her in the flesh. She started her own counting in an attempt to stave off her orgasm. She couldn't believe for the second night she was in this state and he hadn't actually touched her.

"Make like to me," she whispered as she tugged his hands and guided him onto the bed with her.

"My pleasure," he whispered, crawling over her as she lay in the middle of the bed. He pulled away the sheet and nearly came there and then as he gazed at her amazing body. Admiring her beauty, he nearly missed her words.

"Now, El," she moaned. "It's gotta be now."

Needing no further prompting he lowered himself onto her, settling between her legs, placing quick and gentle kisses from her mouth down to her left nipple.

"El," she groaned. "I meant it when I said now … it's gonna happen whether you're there or not."

"Hold on, Olivia," he gritted out, his lips brushed hers as his tip pushed at her folds. "Wait!"

"Don't know if … if … oh, El," she whimpered, her already electrified body seeming to double in voltage as he entered her.

"Okay, come baby," he soothed as he felt her tense beneath him.

"Too soon," she cried, wanting their first time to last more than mere minutes.

"It's okay," he soothed. "I'm with you." He quickened his thrusting, losing himself in every moan and every movement of her body.

"No," she gritted, fighting against every feeling she'd ever experienced.

"Yes," he replied, sucking her earlobe and sending her over the edge, screaming his name and thanking god for the man above her.

It took Elliot all of five seconds to follow suit coming hard and emptying into her. Collapsing on her breathless, he registered her lips trying to find his, he moved his head to claim them and felt her panting breath against his mouth.

"Fuck!" she moaned. "You're amazing."

"Barely touched you, Olivia," he panted back.

"I know," she whispered. "Can't wait til you do."

"Give me some time … not as young as I use to be…" he replied, rolling off her and bringing her onto him.

She lay slumped over him, waiting for what seemed like an eternity for her heart to stop pounding against her ribs; she kissed his chest and neck before making her way to his lips.

"Okay," she nodded, pausing to take one deep breath. "Ready yet?" she grinned.

"Not quite, baby," he grinned.

"Oh," she pouted as she sat up on his abdomen, she felt him respond.

"Ready yet?" she grinned.

"Um … not quite," he replied.

"Well, let's see if I can help!" Olivia slowly moved back, ensuring as much friction as possible.

"Liv," he cautioned gently as she lowered her mouth.

"What?" she replied, looking up at him from beneath heavy eyelids.

He shook his head. "God, you're beautiful," he whispered.

"So are you," she replied, as she kissed his tip.

"Baby, wait!" he began as she made herself more comfortable.

"What?" she replied, kissing him again.

"Don't … that … I mean … dream come true and all but … um … " His train of thought was disrupted by her fingernails raking his length.

"But?" she prompted, grinning as she studied the intense expression on his face.

"I'm ready … and I just wanna be with you …you know?" he stumbled shyly. "That okay?"

Olivia grinned broadly … big tough Detective Elliot Stabler was actually asking her permission to make love to her … and he was shy about it, her heart nearly exploded with happiness.

Without worrying about replying she lifted before lowering herself onto him, letting him plunge into her depths. Content to sit still and enjoy the moment, her gaze locked onto his. She felt his hands knead her butt, gently encouraging her to move, so she did. With increasing speed she bounced on him, feeling him reach parts of her she never knew existed. Head back, eyes closed and biting her bottom lip, her whole body hummed as her movements became more frantic.

Not sure if she could maintain the pace, she dropped her body onto his.

"Roll!" she ordered and willingly he obliged, grinning the moment she was beneath him and her legs were anchored around his body.

"Oh, my god," she groaned as he sucked on her nipple.

"No, I'm El…liot," he gritted out as her hands clamped onto his butt forcing him impossibly deeper.

"Oh …oh…" she moaned as her body sought its release. Elliot echoed her moans, desperately clinging to the notion he'd wait for her. It didn't happen.

"Fuck!" he groaned spilling his release into her, taking every last ounce of his energy and pulling her into the orgasmic bliss he was swimming in.

A fleeting thought flashed through his head…

If the worst was to happen he could die a happy man.

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	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

**Where ever you are, stay cool or stay warm!**

**Whoo Hoo! S10 starting tonight!!!! (Now, actually!) **

It was 9:30 PM on Wednesday, the day of surgery looming heavily upon them. Exhausted by a procession of late nights and with a headache to beat all others, Olivia decided on an early night. Rubbing her eyes, she closed the file she was working on and untangled herself from the chair before heading out to the living room.

"Finished?" Elliot asked, looking over at her.

"For tonight. I thought I might get an early night. What about you?" she asked as his heavy eyes moved back to the screen.

"Yeah," he nodded. "Just want to see some of Sports Center."

"Don't be long," she grinned, padding over to him and kissing his head before heading off to bed.

When she awoke hours later Olivia was surprised to find she was still alone in bed. Swinging her legs out, she got up and stumbled to the door, her head still sleep filled and groggy. As she opened the door she spied Elliot still sitting on the sofa where she had left him. His eyes were open but heavy and unseeing.

"Hey, El," she said quietly, sliding onto the seat between him and the arm of the sofa. He failed to respond. "Hey," she said again, raking her fingers through his hair.

Sleepily, he turned to her. "Babe, why are you here?" he asked, confused as to how she had just suddenly appeared.

"Woke up and you hadn't come in," she replied. "You okay?" He nodded unconvincingly. "Come to bed with me now?" she whispered, tugging his hand to her.

"When this ends," he said, glancing back at the screen. "You go though."

"Nah," she replied, swinging her legs over his and snuggling into him. "I'll watch too. What is it?"

He chuckled softly and rested his head on hers. "Got no idea, Liv."

Reaching up she placed a string of featherlight kisses across his cheek. "You want to talk to me?" she asked gently. He shook his head. "You want to take me to bed?"

Turning towards her, he considered her question for a moment before nodding. Slowly, they climbed off the sofa and Elliot wrapped his arms around her as Olivia turned off the television. "Um, Liv," he whispered. "I'm not really up for anything tonight."

"Not even to hold me?" she pouted, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Oh, that I can do."

When Olivia next looked at the bright red numbers glaring out at her from the bedside clock it read 3:14 AM. Rolling over, she was surprised to find the bed empty once again. Looking over to the bathroom she saw Elliot sitting on the edge of the tub, his fingers gently touching the lump in his neck, the thing which had started this decline into his own personal hell.

Racing in, Olivia dropped to her knees in front of him, her hands travelling up his chest and linking around his neck. Her face just inches from his.

"What's wrong, El?" she whispered as his piercing blue eyes locked onto her deep chocolate orbs. He shook his head as his fingers kept prodding the lump. "Does it hurt, baby?" she asked, moving one hand to the nape of his neck and squeezing softly.

"No," he muttered as her long, slender fingers replaced his, gently caressing the area. Soon her lips replaced her fingers, her soft kisses lingering upon the site of his impending surgery.

Before long Olivia pulled back only to discover tears trickling down his cheeks. "Did I hurt you?" she said frantically, tears filling her eyes in response.

Elliot shook his head as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her as close to him as was humanly possible. "No," he whispered into her ear before kissing it. "I just can't believe something so small and innocuous is cancer … _Cancer!_ And that I have it," he whispered. Olivia pulled back, her hands moving to cradle his face, when their eyes locked once more he spoke before she could. "Cancer, Olivia. _I have cancer!"_

And it was Olivia's tears which fell at this, his first declaration of his disease. No longer was he hiding beyond 'the doctor said' or such, it was personal. He had cancer and it broke her heart.

Even through the tears Elliot's lips sought out hers, needing her right now more than he had ever needed anything in his life; she was his oxygen, his life source, his everything. As Olivia was trying to stand to get him back into the bedroom, Elliot pulled her to him causing them both to tumble backwards into the tub.

"God, are you hurt?" Olivia cried as his head bounced off the cold surface, her hand immediately moving to caress the area. His pain not registering at all, Elliot pulled her back down to him and kissed her deeply.

"El," she mumbled, trying to assess any damage. "Are you okay?"

"Baby," he whimpered. "Everything hurts – make it better. Please, god, just make it better,"

Instantly her lips were on his body, trailing kisses anywhere and everywhere, before long they were claimed by his. Pressing her body into his she wasn't surprised by his thick arousal digging into her.

"El, honey," she mumbled against his lips. "Think this would be a whole lot easier naked."

Short on space in the cramped tub, Olivia tried her best to strip off. In the end, she stood at the far end of the tub and removed her pyjama bottoms before stripping off her top and tossing it over his head.

Leaving him where he lay, Olivia turned on the shower and moaned as the cold beads of water cascaded onto her, causing her nipples to harden instantly. It was this sight which kicked Elliot into action. He scrambled to his feet, and shed his clothes rapidly. Before the water had heated fully he had Olivia pinned against the wall, one leg wrapped high on his waist as he plunged into her repeatedly. Elliot's left hand grabbed her butt; his right cradled her head to stop her hurting it as her head continually collided with the wall.

Coming hard as he cried her name in the pulsating water, Elliot's body continued thrusting long after he'd come.

It was only when he calmed down enough he realised he had been so caught up with his own desires, he had no idea as to whether Olivia had orgasmed or not.

"Liv, baby," he groaned as he moved back. "Um … did you … was it okay for you?"

"It was perfect for me," she whispered as her lips brushed his.

"Are you sure? I sort of got caught up and … well, I mean it was amazing … you're amazing and I'd do it again in an instant … well, maybe not an instant, but you know what I mean … but only if…" he rambled, not sure if the point was being made.

"El, it's all good," she soothed, clasping his face in her hands. "I'm good … very good." Her grin was unmistakable.

"You know something, Liv, I think you are the best medicine a man could get," he said as he held her tightly, under the stream of water.

"Well, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were putting this on just to get me into bed," she joked, her hand running down his cheek.

"If I'd have known this would be the outcome I would done it years ago," he whispered, pressing his lips to her temple.

Olivia pulled back and looked at him. "Just how many years ago exactly?" she asked curiously.

"More than I _can_ admit to," he said, dropping his head to hers.

Eventually, Olivia stretched across and turned off the taps.

"Let's get out of here," she cooed as she released him and they stepped out.

"You read my mind," Elliot replied, grabbing a towel and tenderly drying her off, paying close attention to her breasts.

"Keep doing that and you'll start things all over again," she cautioned with a grin.

"Well, I wouldn't object if you wanted to make _like_ to me again," he grinned as he ran the towel over himself.

"Hate to break it to you, Elliot, but I don't intend to make _like _to you ever again," she said, turning and heading into the bedroom.

"Huh? Why?" he asked surprised, stopping to watch as she sat on the side of the bed. She didn't reply. Her head dropped and her eyes focussed on the floor. "Liv? Olivia?" he asked, wrapping the towel around his waist and sitting down beside her. "Look at me. Why?"

Olivia sighed deeply before taking a deep breath, Elliot's heart sank.

Slowly she took his hands in hers before looking up at him with soulful, tear filled, chocolate eyes. Gently, she extracted one hand and caressed his cheek.

"I _love _you, Elliot Stabler," she said. "And I know you don't want to hear it – and I'm sorry about that, but I love you so much and I need to say it, and I need you to understand it. Okay?" Elliot nodded, his eyes lighting up. He went to reply but Olivia gently pressed her finger to his lips. "I don't want you to say anything, not now … I just need you to know that anything we do can only be making love." She replaced her finger with her lips and kissed him tenderly.

Still connected through a deep and unending kiss, Olivia manoeuvred herself back onto the bed, bringing him down on top of her. Taking the brief opportunity as Elliot took a breath, she whispered, "Make love to me, Elliot." And he did.

**Don't forget to review!**


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of yesterday; the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

If Elliot Stabler was nervous about his surgery he wasn't showing it. He had taken calls from all four of his children, Kathy, Don and his brother before they had even headed to the hospital. He received their best wishes gratefully and thanked them sincerely, making each one promise not to come visit until the following day. The last thing he needed was to see a host of well meaning people, whom he cared for deeply, come and try to cheer him up … the only thing he needed, or wanted, was Olivia's face to be the last one he saw before surgery and the first one to see when it was all over.

"We're going to take you in about five minutes, Mr Stabler, okay?" a middle-aged nurse in surgical scrubs informed him.

"Yeah, okay," Elliot nodded, holding Olivia's hand a little tighter.

When the nurse departed Olivia raised his hand and kissed it. "You keep holding that tight, El, and they'll be fitting me for a cast."

"Sorry, Liv," he apologised, kissing her hand. "Guess I'm just a little anxious."

"Just a little?" she chided, knowing all the usual stress signs were there – the clenched jaw, the steely glare, the tension in his body. "I don't think we have time for me to relax you," she whispered, brushing her lips against his before nipping at his lip.

"Shame," he replied, a small smile gracing his lips.

"Yeah, but I'll make it up to you when you're up to it," she soothed.

"Okay, Mr Stabler," the nurse said, re-entering the room, "We're ready for you now." She turned to Olivia. "Ma'am, you can stay in the waiting room or the cafeteria downstairs. It'll be about two hours before you can see him." Olivia nodded, fighting the tears which were threatening. "He'll be fine; we'll take good care of him." Olivia nodded again.

An orderly, also dressed in surgical scrubs, came in and unlocked the bed's wheels. "All ready?" he asked looking from the nurse to the patient. Elliot nodded but kept hold of Olivia's hand as they made their way down the corridor to the double doors leading to the operating theatre. They paused at this point, the orderly very familiar with the need for a final word or kiss.

"Liv," Elliot whispered quietly, tugging her hand. She leant down to him. "You know I love you too, don't you? So very much."

"I do," she whispered, gently kissing him.

He grinned widely. "You just remember those two words when I get through this, okay?" She kissed him again.

Once the doors closed behind him, Olivia gave into her tears and wept. She had never felt such extreme emotion – utter joy that he loved her and had actually said it, and utter sorrow he was being operated on for cancer. She stood in the doorway for another few minutes before she felt a strong hand on her shoulder.

"It's okay, baby girl," came a very familiar voice. She spun around and fell into Fin's arms and gave in to the pain in her heart. She sobbed unashamedly into his chest as he tried his best to comfort her. In the end he just held onto her until she was ready.

"Sorry," she whispered, finally pulling away and brushing down his jacket.

"It's alright, Livvy," he soothed, wiping away the tears still on her cheeks.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, grabbing a tissue.

"Elliot called me yesterday, asked me to come and rescue you from the hospital halls while he was in there," Fin explained, taking hold of her arm. "So, let's go…"

"Where?" she asked standing still, "I don't want to leave here, what if something happens and they need me?"

"To the diner across the road. You've had no breakfast and if I don't make you, you won't eat lunch either," he explained.

"Yeah, but," she began to protest.

Fin pulled out a pager from his pocket. "If anyone needs you," he started, "They'll call the pager."

"But they haven't got the number," she interjected.

"Yes, they do, El set it all up, so we were right to go," he replied.

With no more reason to protest, they left.

An hour and a half later Olivia was still sitting in a red vinyl booth, leaning on an old laminated table while Fin tried every tactic he knew to distract her. First, it was the case he was working, and then, it was the case they last worked together. Next, he began a running commentary on the other diners and what they got up to after dark and then, it was the people passing by the window. When that grew tiresome, he talked sport, politics and finally threw in some of Munch's favourite conspiracy theories.

All the while Olivia tried to pay attention and respond appropriately but it never lasted long. Her eyes would invariably wander to her watch or the wall clock only to find that time was appearing to stand still. After she'd checked the time for the fourth time in six minutes, Fin reached across the table and covered her hand with his.

"Let's go back to the hospital, Liv," he said, the smile he got in response was the first genuine one from her all day.

Crossing the busy road once more, Fin grabbed Olivia's arm as she went to dart across.

"Livvy, it ain't gonna help El if you get knocked over," he said calmly.

"Sorry," she muttered, totally distracted by where she was going.

"He'll be okay," he reassured her, as his arm slipped around her waist and holding her to him, not really trusting her in the heavy traffic around them.

"How can you be so certain?" she asked, looing up at him.

"Because it's Elliot, he's not gonna let some scummy disease get the better of him," he said confidently. His reward was another small smile.

Within minutes they were back in the waiting room, Olivia hovering near the unattended desk, fidgeting impatiently.

"Come sit, Liv," Fin said from the yellow lounge.

"No, I just want to find out what's happening," she replied, scanning the area again.

"Liv, you can see the desk from here," he reminded her. "Come sit."

"I said no," she snapped. End of discussion.

Two hours and forty five minutes after Elliot had been taken into surgery, an older lady came to the desk and sat behind it.

"Can I help you ma'am?" she asked.

"My name is Olivia Benson, my partner, Elliot Stabler, is in surgery. He should be out by now. I was hoping for some news," she said, an edginess in her voice.

"One minute and I'll check," said the woman, picking up the phone.

Before Olivia could turn to call Fin over she felt his hand on her back. Nothing was said.

"Okay, ma'am," the woman started as she replaced the receiver. "Mr Stabler is still in surgery…"

"Still?" Olivia interrupted.

"Yes, ma'am. Someone from the surgical team will be out in a moment to talk to you," she finished.

Olivia spun around to Fin, her eyes wide with a fear he'd never seen before. "It's okay, Liv," he said without conviction.

"Why is it taking so long?" she asked him, knowing he had no answer. "Why is someone coming out while he's still in surgery?" she added and Fin just shook his head. "Excuse me," she said, turning back to the woman. "Can you…"

They turned sharply when the double doors clattered opened.

"Olivia," said Dr Bainbridge coming over to them dressed in green surgical scrubs. "They're just finishing up with him now and you'll be able to see him for a few moments in recovery."

"What happened?" she asked almost without voice.

"Come and sit down," the doctor offered, guiding her into a small room behind the desk. Olivia didn't like the feeling of this at all. Her hand sought out Fin's and she held it tightly.

"Elliot's surgery was a little more complicated than we expected," Dr Bainbridge began to explain. "The lump itself was bigger than it showed on the scans and it was embedded deeper than we had anticipated. That in itself meant the surgery took longer." Olivia nodded and although she sensed there was something else she couldn't bring herself to ask. Pleadingly, she looked at Fin.

"And what else, Doc?" he asked, trying to ease the death grip she had on his hand.

"Elliot also had a reaction to the anaesthetic … now, it was relatively mild," he said quickly when he saw the panic on her face. "But it dropped his blood pressure quite low a couple of times and forced his heart into an arrhythmia, which rectified itself. I can't see there being any permanent damage." He smiled reassuringly at her but it provided little comfort.

As the doctor stood Olivia pulled on his arm. "When can I see him?" she asked quickly.

"In about five minutes," he smiled and she started to breath again. "But only for a few minutes," he reminded her. "However, once he's back in his room you can stay as long as you like."

"Thank you," she replied before turning and finding Fin's welcoming arms opened for her, gladly she went. She could feel his lips press on her head and feel the warmth from his strong arms as they surrounded her. But most of all she felt she needed to pull herself together for Elliot's sake.

Olivia was still in Fin's arms when a nurse came out to get her.

"Mrs Stabler?" the young man asked as he stood nearby.

"They're calling you, Livvy," Fin grinned, kissing her head as he pulled back.

"Yes," she said to the nurse.

"I can take you in now if you're ready," he said.

"Oh, I'm more than ready," Olivia grinned.

"I'll be here when you're finished," Fin said as he walked her to the door. Quickly, she turned and kissed his cheek. "Thank you, Fin."

The stark, sterile corridor echoed with the sound of machines bleeping and trolleys ratting but Olivia noticed nothing, nothing but the pounding of her own heart.

"He's just in here, ma'am," said the nurse as he turned left into a smaller room. "Just a few minutes now."

Olivia went over to the bed and gently picked up Elliot's hand, lacing her fingers between his. She leaned over and kissed his forehead, his lips obscured by the oxygen mask which was still in place.

"Elliot?" she soothed, caressing his face with her free hand. "Baby?" His eyes fluttered but stayed closed. "Elliot, it's all over. You're okay," she cooed as she kissed him again. Slowly his eyes opened and he moaned.

"Liv," he croaked.

"Shhh, baby," she soothed. "Don't talk. You're okay."

"Who…shot …me?" he gritted out as his eyes shut once more.

"Nobody, El," she replied. "They removed the lump."

"What…lump?" he groaned.

Olivia looked up at Dr Bainbridge as he entered.

"Elliot," he said firmly. "We removed the lump from your neck. You had a mild reaction to the anaesthetic but you'll be fine." Elliot's eyes opened once more. "Now, say goodbye to Olivia and she will be waiting for you when you're back in your room."

"Bye, Liv," he mumbled as sleep got the better of him. Olivia leaned forward and kissed his forehead once more.

"Bye, El," she replied, brushing a tear from her cheek.

"He's in good hands, Olivia," Dr Bainbridge reassured her, leading her back out to Fin.

"How is he?" asked Fin as she re-emerged.

"Thinks he was shot," Olivia replied as Fin wrapped his arms around her.

"I guess that's a natural response," Fin said. "Being a cop and all."

"What if he doesn't remember he has cancer?" she asked, her voice raspy.

"Then the doc will tell him," Fin answered.

"But if he doesn't remember the diagnosis then what are the chances he'll remember other things from this past week?" she asked tearfully.

"Things like what, Liv?" he asked, leading her back to the chairs.

"Things like …" she stopped. Things like me was what she wanted to say, what if he didn't remember coming to her, sleeping with her, kissing her, making like with her, making love to her, her declaration in the early hours of that morning, his declaration just before his surgery? What if he remembered none of it? Where would that leave her? Them?

"He'll remember he loves you, Olivia," Fin said as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"What makes you say that?" she asked looking up at him.

"Because he's loved you for a lot longer than he's had this disease… and no he didn't tell me before this … but I know it … just as I know you love him … not that you've told me either."

**Don't forget to review!**

**Now go and write, Nat! No excuses now!**


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**R.I.P Nathan xox lost at Callignee, one of those deliberately lit.**

**Thanks for the supportive emails, PMs and messages.**

**From ch 12**

"How is he?" asked Fin as she re-emerged.

"Thinks he was shot," Olivia replied as Fin wrapped his arms around her.

"I guess that's a natural response," Fin said. "Being a cop and all."

"What if he doesn't remember he has cancer?" she asked, her voice raspy.

"Then the doc will tell him," Fin answered.

"But if he doesn't remember the diagnosis then what are the chances he'll remember other things from this past week?" she asked tearfully.

"Things like what, Liv?" he asked, leading her back to the chairs.

"Things like …" she stopped. Things like me was what she wanted to say, what if he didn't remember coming to her, sleeping with her, kissing her, making like with her, making love to her, her declaration in the early hours of that morning, his declaration just before his surgery? What if he remembered none of it? Where would that leave her? Them?

"He'll remember he loves you, Olivia," Fin said as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"What makes you say that?" she asked looking up at him.

"Because he's loved you for a lot longer than he's had this disease… and no he didn't tell me before this … but I know it … just as I know you love him … not that you've told me either."

**Ch 13**

Olivia paced, she sat, she paced, she propped herself against the wall, the door jamb and the bed before pacing some more, her eyes never leaving Elliot's face as he lay sleeping in his room. Fin caught her hand as she rounded the bed for the umpteenth time, just not able to settle.

"Livvy, it's only been ten minutes, honey. You have to give him a bit more time to wake up," Fin soothed as her eyes darted to the clock.

"Only ten minutes?" she asked, not believing him. She felt like she'd been in this room forever, watching him, silently pleading with him to wake up.

"Only ten minutes," he confirmed, squeezing her hand.

With a huff, she sat at the foot of Elliot's bed and watched him intently. A large gauze dressing taped across the left side of his neck hid the surgical wound. The oxygen mask had been replaced by a nasal cannula and the heart monitor was still attached, to ensure there was no ongoing reaction from the anaesthetic.

"Liv, can I get you something?" Fin asked, coming to stand behind her, rubbing her shoulders. "Coffee? Water?" She shook her head. "Okay," he said, sitting back down. And they waited some more.

Olivia had no concept of how much time had elapsed before she noticed Elliot was beginning to stir.

"Elliot?" she called, moving to stand beside him, clasping one of his hands in hers, using her free one to caress his face. "El?" she called gently. Soon his eyes flickered opened and she smiled widely.

"Hey there, El," she whispered, one hand resting on his cheek. "How are you doing?"

"Feel … like … shit," he groaned and she could only laugh.

"I bet you do," she replied, her fingers raking through his hair.

"Who shot me?" he croaked, trying to think through the haze in his brain.

"No one, Elliot," she said gently. "You had surgery to remove the lump in your neck." Tenderly she moved his hand so his fingers touched the dressing. "You had a mild reaction to the anaesthetic which may be why you feel bad but Bainbridge says you'll be fine."

"Where's Kathy?" he asked, his eyes darting around the room and Olivia's heart dropped.

"You didn't want her here," Olivia explained, trying desperately to keep her voice even and her tears at bay.

"Why not?" he asked, his eyes troubled.

"Because you didn't," she answered not wanting to go into the details.

"Oh," he said sadly. "I mean I know we're divorced but I thought she'd be here … you know… to sort of look after me."

"That's what I'm here for," Olivia said, gently squeezing his hand.

"Why?" he questioned, as his brow furrowed.

Olivia couldn't answer him, there was nothing she could say which wouldn't make her cry and she wasn't going to let that happen.

"Um," she sniffled, turning to Fin. "I think I might go get coffee, want some?"

Fin shook his head and moved to her. "Liv, his head's not clear… give him some time…"

She nodded and smiled bravely before the tears started. "Gotta go," she mumbled brushing past him.

"What's wrong, Liv?" Maureen asked panic stricken, grabbing Olivia's arm as she ran down the corridor. "Is dad okay?"

"Yeah," she mumbled. "He's awake… Fin's in with him."

"What's wrong, Liv?" she asked again, wrapping her arm around Olivia's shoulder and pulling her closer.

"You're dad doesn't remember why he's here, he doesn't remember about us, he's been asking for your mom," Olivia said, trying to stop her tears.

"Oh, Livvy," Maureen soothed hugging her tightly. "He'll remember, he will."

Olivia composed herself and pulled back. "I'm just going for some air," she said, before turning and leaving, not waiting to hear Maureen's protests.

After making her way to her father's room, Maureen stood at the door and listened to the conversation he was having with Fin. It was apparent Fin was trying to fill him in on recent developments but not really wanting to give him the details, just in case he was wrong. Maureen decided to rescue him.

"Hey," she said, finally moving into the room.

"Hey, Mo," said Fin as she headed to her dad.

"Hey, honey," he said as she kissed his forehead.

"How are you feeling, dad?" she asked, sitting on the bed facing him.

"Okay," he replied.

"You sure?" she asked. "I was just talking to Liv in the …"

"Where is she?" interrupted Fin.

"Gone for some air," Maureen reported, turning around. "She was pretty upset."

"I'll go check on her," he said, departing.

"Dad, why don't you remember about Liv?" Maureen asked, her eyes fixed on his.

"What am I supposed to remember?" he asked. "We're partners, right?"

"What about the last week?" she asked him.

"What about it?" he questioned in return.

"You've been living with her, dad," Maureen sighed. "She's been looking after you … and it was your choice." Elliot shook his head … this wasn't making sense. "Dad, you love her."

"No, I don't," he said defensively, it was a response so ingrained in him he didn't even have to think about it.

"And she loves you," Maureen continued, unswayed by his response.

"No, she doesn't," he answered.

"Daddy, she does," Maureen said firmly. "We talked about it the night I stayed over at her place with you guys."

Elliot squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose, there was something familiar about what his daughter was saying but it was too hazy. "I had a dream that … that things had changed … between me and Liv…" he said slowly, aware that it was his daughter he was speaking to. "And that we … our relationship … I mean … well…"

"Dad, it wasn't a dream … it was real … Olivia's real… your relationship's real," Maureen said. "And I couldn't be happier for you both," she added, kissing his forehead once more.

They sat there in silence for a while longer as Elliot tried to process this news. He was more than happy that the swirling thoughts and images of Olivia were not a result of an anaesthetic based dream but were real … very real.

"Fuck!" he muttered, wanting to kick himself … remembering the last thing he'd asked her was why she was there and where Kathy was.

"I'll go get her, dad," Maureen grinned.

Maureen didn't have to look far; Fin and Olivia were already walking back up the corridor.

"Liv," she said, running to her. "He does remember. He thought it was a dream." Maureen grinned proudly. "He wants to see you."

"I'll get going, Liv," Fin said. "Got some stuff to do."

"I'll go too," Maureen said. Olivia thanked them both and headed towards the room once more.

His eyes were closed when she arrived and so she leant on the door jamb and watched … it only took him a moment to realise she was there.

"I'm so sorry, Liv," he said, before his eyes were fully opened. "It just seemed too good to be true … I thought I was dreaming." He held his hand out and prayed she'd come to him. He sighed with relief when she moved towards him. Olivia perched on the bed, his hands holding onto hers tightly. "You were the first person I thought of when I woke up … the one person … the only person …I wanted to see … but you've gotta know, baby, that those feelings aren't new in the last week … it's been happening for years." He drew a breath as she moved closer to him. "I've been denying these thoughts and feelings about you for so long it seems the natural thing to do. I do remember this past week … and you … and me … and like … and love …" he said, almost breathless. Her eyes filled with tears as his features became blurry..

"You remember that I love you?" she whispered, increasing her grip on his hands.

"Yeah, and do you remember that I love you too?" he asked, pulling her closer to him.

"Yeah … I remember…" she grinned as her lips brushed against his, before settling and kissing him tenderly. "And this is not a dream either, El," she said, slowly drawing back.

"Yeah it is," he muttered. "Dream come true."

A couple of days later, Elliot sat fully dressed on the edge of his hospital bed waiting for Dr Bainbridge to arrive and discuss his treatment plan. There was so much he wanted to know but there was little he wanted to hear from the good doctor. He was holding onto the false hope that the highly qualified oncologist would come in, say it was all a mistake and he'd be on his way.

Olivia moved to stand in front of him; her legs nestled between his, her body pressed against his chest, her hands caressing his back as his head rested on her breast. No words were spoken; there was nothing to be said.

"Good afternoon," said Dr Bainbridge, entering the room and pulling up a chair. "How are you feeling you, Elliot?"

"Doing better," he replied, pulling Olivia around to sit on the bed beside him.

"I'm sure you are," the doctor smiled. "And how are you, Olivia?"

"Fine, thanks," she replied, the dark circles under her eyes telling the truth.

"Okay then," he continued. "Let's get on with it…" He opened his file and scanned down the page. Elliot wrapped an arm around Olivia and pulled her tightly, more than pleased when her arm snaked around his waist and held onto him. He knew that whatever the doctor said he could get through, so long as Olivia was with him.

With a great deal of trepidation he focused on the doctor's words, hoping to take in what was being said.

"Now," the doctor began, closing the file. "The way we will treat your condition from here on is with chemotherapy. The most common therapy used for non-Hodgkin's lymphoma is called CHOP and consists of four different chemotherapy medications. The medications are given through an IV and by mouth for five consecutive days. This is then repeated every three weeks for six to eight cycles. Usually, chemotherapy is an outpatient procedure, which means it can be given at the hospital, in my office or at home, depending on how you're feeling. Sometimes a short hospital stay may be required, but I don't think it's a necessity for you. You seem to have a great deal of support," he said, smiling at Olivia.

"And will that be it then?" Elliot asked.

"At this stage, I don't think we'll have to go down the radiation therapy path, but it all depends on how you respond to the chemotherapy," Dr Bainbridge reported.

Elliot sighed deeply. "When does all this start?" he asked.

"Well, we'll give you two weeks to recover from the surgery and can start on the Monday. How does that sound?" he asked, making a few notes.

"Oh wonderful," Elliot replied, rolling his eyes.

Olivia squeezed him. "How do we go about having the treatments done at home?" she asked.

"I can set that up through my office; a nurse can come to your place at the same time each day, for the five days, to administer it… The time of day will depend on who else the nurse has to visit and the geographical location," he reported. "I'll have the Home Care Department contact you in the next day or so."

"Thanks," she replied.

"In the kit I gave you last week, it discussed the CHOP therapy and the possible side effects of chemotherapy. Read through it and if you have any questions, please call. Alternatively, the Home Care nurse will be able to answer questions you have." The doctor stood to leave.

"Thanks, Doctor," Olivia said, shaking his hand. Elliot did the same.

"You're welcome," he smiled. "Now, I'll hand these discharge papers to the nurse and you can get out of here. How does that sound?"

"Sounds good," Elliot replied, holding Olivia a little tighter.

**Don't forget to review!**


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**R.I.P Nathan xox lost at Callignee, one of those deliberately lit.**

**Thanks for the supportive emails, PMs and messages.**

Monday 1:00 PM (Two weeks later)

Treatment Cycle 1

Elliot sat on the sofa and studied the clock; the hands had barely seemed to move in the last hour. Several times Olivia had come to sit with him but she never lasted more than a few minutes as he became edgier with the impending treatment. Finally, just after the hour, the buzzer sounded and caused them both to startle.

Minutes later there was a quick rap on the door; Olivia opened it to the Home Care nurse.

"Good afternoon, ma'am," the young woman started. "I'm Connie Shapiro; from the Home Care Unit … you spoke to my colleague, Leonie, on the phone last week." Connie held up her identification tag.

"Come on in, Connie," Olivia said, gesturing towards Elliot. "I'm Olivia and this is Elliot."

"Hello, Olivia, Elliot," she said, walking around the sofa and shaking his hand. "How are you feeling today?" she asked brightly, placing her case on the coffee table and sitting at the other end of the sofa.

"Fine … good," he said quickly, his stomach churching. "Okay." Connie grinned widely.

"You'd be surprised how many times I've heard that," she said. "Now, Leonie went through the procedure with you, didn't she?"

"Yes," Elliot nodded; his head was joining his stomach in sympathy.

"So, you understand how this is going to work? What we'll do today and for the week?" she questioned.

Elliot stood and rounded the coffee table; he slowly looked back at Connie. "A couple of tablets to take orally, the IV will be inserted to run it's course … every day this week … and then every three weeks … for six to eight cycles," he recited, using his detached court room voice.

"And how do you feel about it?" she asked, watching as he clenched and unclenched his hands.

"Fine … not my idea of fun but if I've gotta do it I've gotta do it," he said, looking at Olivia and being rewarded by her smile.

"Do you have any questions before we start? Elliot? Olivia?" Connie asked, opening her case as Elliot sat down on the sofa once more.

"The side effects," Olivia began, moving to him. "When will they kick in?"

"Well, for some people it's straight away – especially with the nausea, often hair loss happens a few weeks after it all begins …" she began to explain.

"Don't have that much to lose," he muttered, running his fingers through his strands. Olivia's hand moved to gently caress his head as he leaned back onto her.

"Of course, the degree to which side effects affect individuals differs from person to person," Connie said.

"So, we'll have to wait and see," Olivia sighed.

"Yeah, I guess so," Elliot replied. Olivia leant down and placed a kiss on his head.

Elliot leant back and looked up at her. "Are we ready to do this?" he whispered.

"Yeah, we're good," Olivia replied, moving in to kiss him briefly. "We're ready."

Tuesday 5:45 PM

Olivia sat on the edge of the bed watching Elliot sleep. Two days into the first cycle and so far things were good. His fatigue was due more to staying up late the night before on the pretext of watching the game but she knew there was more playing on his mind than the on field action on the screen.

After his treatment today, Olivia had insisted he get into bed and had promised she wouldn't let him sleep too long, so two hours and fourteen minutes after he argued he wasn't that tired, and two hours exactly since he'd fallen asleep, she was waking him.

"Hey, El," she cooed as she leant down and kissed his head. "Elliot..." There was no response, placing her hand on his shoulder, she gently shook him. "Elliot, honey, time to wake up…"

"Hmph, erf nrgrth ehrisn," he mumbled, rolling over and snuggling deeper under the quilt. Olivia couldn't help but smile.

"Baby," she tried again, pulling back the top of the quilt so she could see his face.

"Mmmm, armmno Liv, fmor mintes," he groaned. She leant in and kissed his forehead.

"Okay, El, a few more minutes," she agreed, over the years she had learnt to understand the plea for a few more minutes sleep being mumbled at her.

Standing to leave, Olivia was surprised when his hand shot out and grabbed hers.

"El?" she startled, turning back to him.

"Don't leave me, Liv," he begged, tugging her backwards.

"Okay, okay," she soothed. "I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere"

"Please, Livia, don't go," he pleaded, gripping her arm painfully hard.

"Elliot… Elliot …" she called, not sure if he was actually awake. "Hey, baby, I'm right here."

Trying to ease his grip, she could help but grimace when his nails broke through her skin.

"Elliot," she shouted, needing him to let her go. Whether it was the volume or the tone, something got through to Elliot and he opened his eyes.

"What?" he croaked, trying to focus on her face.

"My arm, El, please let go of my arm," she asked, trying to sound relaxed about the whole thing.

Elliot looked down at his hand and was stunned to see it clamped onto Olivia's arm, the telltale trickle of blood from where his nails had torn her skin.

"God, Liv, I'm sorry." He bolted upright in bed and dropped her arm, before taking it up once more to inspect the damage. "Shit, I'm so sorry."  
"It's okay," Olivia replied, not wanting to make a big deal out of it.

"No, it's not, you're bleeding," he answered grabbing a Kleenex and dabbing the small wounds.

"Barely," she smiled at him.

"What the hell happened?" he asked, pure confusion on his face.

"You didn't want me to go," she explained. "So you grabbed my arm."

"I don't remember," he said, shaking his head.

"I think you were still asleep," Olivia offered. "It's okay, no real harm done."

Gently Elliot kissed her arm. "I'm so sorry, Livia," he whispered as he kissed it again.

"It's okay, babe," she replied, kissing his forehead. "Anyway, how are you doing?"

"Okay, I think," he said as she nestled in beside him.

"Just okay," she queried, drawing his face around to hers. He nodded, not knowing what to say. "Well, okay's a good place to be, yeah?" she smiled.

"Yeah," he nodded, relieved and grateful she wasn't going to push the matter. "How are you?" he asked, running his fingers over her sore arm.

"I'm okay too," she replied, brushing her lips across his cheek. "What do you feel like for dinner?"

"Nothing really," he answered. "Don't feel hungry."

"I know," she nodded. "But you didn't eat lunch and you have to have something."

"Yeah, I know," he conceded.

They had already had this conversation before … he needed to eat to keep up his strength and his resistance, and therefore, whether he felt like it or not, he had to eat at regular intervals. Olivia didn't force the issue at lunch time as it was just before Connie arrived, so he knew he had to eat something now. He'd also begun to realise that she only ate when he did, since he didn't eat lunch today, neither had she. He hadn't eaten breakfast yesterday and neither had she. "What do you feel like?" he asked, he'd eat for her sake.

Friday 1:55 PM

"So," said Connie, putting her pen down on Elliot's chart. "Tell me how you are really doing." She looked towards the closed door to the study where Olivia was taking a call from Cragen.

"I'm doing okay," Elliot said, looking at the IV as it dripped into his arm.

"Explain okay for me," Connie continued, gaining eye contact with him.

"Okay is okay," Elliot replied, not wanting to explain anything.

"Elliot, I know it's difficult for you and you are trying to be strong but I need you to tell me the truth about how you are feeling," she said quietly. "I promise I won't tell Olivia…"

Elliot smiled. "I've been feeling alright mostly," he admitted. "A bit more tired than usual, stomach's a bit sensitive and not really hungry but …"

"But okay," she filled in and he smiled again.

"Yeah, okay," he nodded.

After completing some notes she looked back at Elliot to find him staring intently at the study door.

"How's Olivia doing?" she asked, slipping the clipboard and pen back into her case.

"She's tired and not really eating," he answered. "But she says she's okay."

"Okay must be a key word for you two," Connie remarked and Elliot nodded.

"Yeah it is … says everything when you can't find the right words," he replied, thinking back to the times they'd used it in their partnership.

"Olivia needs to stay well too if she is to help you out. She needs to sleep and eat properly, you both do. Would you like me to talk to her?" Connie offered.

Elliot was shaking his head as the door opened and Olivia emerged pocketing her cell.

"Everything alright, Liv?" he asked, she'd been in there a while.

"Yeah, Cragen just needed some details from the files," she replied stifling a yawn.

"I thought you'd be done with those files by now," he remarked as the last of the liquid seeped into his body.

"Me too," she smiled. "I see you're done." She pointed to the now empty IV bag.

"Yep, no more for three weeks. Right, Connie?" he checked, even though they'd already been through it.

"That's right," she replied, disconnecting the tube. "Now, if you have any problems or questions don't hesitate to call me. If you're not feeling well or the side effects kick in, call me. Understand?" she said pointedly, looking at Elliot.

"Yes, ma'am," he grinned, grateful to have her in his corner as he faced his battle.

"Now, don't sit at home the next three weeks waiting," Connie continued. "Do something fun and make sure you eat well and get plenty of sleep – both of you."

"Not sure about it being 'fun'," began Olivia, "but I'll be going to work."

"What? When?" interrupted Elliot, this was news to him.

Olivia moved to sit down on the arm of the sofa beside him.

"Since Don told me about ten minutes ago, I'll go back in Wednesday…" she began to explain.

"What about the next treatment?" he asked, taking her hand, he didn't want to have to go to the hospital or Bainbridge's office; he wanted to stay here, with her.

"Don thinks he should be able to have my replacement in by then," she answered, raking her fingers through his hair, cringing when a couple of strands came away.

"Your replacement?" Elliot questioned. "Who's been replacing you for the month we've been off?"

"Um…no one," she answered, "Don couldn't get two in, so Emerson's in replacing you as you are the one who needed the leave. So, technically I'm not on leave"

"But you haven't been going in, have you?" he asked, shaking his head.

"No, I've been doing the paperwork," she admitted, nodding towards the study.

"I thought that was finishing up our paperwork," he said, confused.

"No, everyone's," Olivia sighed. "It was the only compromise Don could come up with; I could stay here with you and work from home on that mountain of paperwork.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he questioned, not caring they were having this discussion in front of Connie.

"I didn't want to worry you," she answered, dropping her voice.

"Why would it have worried me?" he questioned, standing up from the sofa.

"Well, not worried, but…" she began.

"When have you been doing all that work?" he interrupted, heading to the study.

"When you're asleep," she replied. "Sometimes during the daytime when you're napping, sometimes in the middle of the night."

"God, no wonder you're so tired," he said, turning back to her. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked again. "I could have helped you. We're both away from the precinct; it's not fair you have to do all the paperwork… I could help…"

"El, you usually get me to do all the paperwork when we're at the precinct… besides…" she smiled, "...sometimes you're not all that helpful."

"Gee, thanks," he replied as she rubbed her hands up and down his arms.

"Listen, El, it was the trade off for being able to be here with you over the last few weeks. I have no problem with it… I would have done anything just to have had the chance to be here for you and with you," she whispered as his head rested on hers.

"Thank you, baby," he whispered. "Thank you."

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	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction. **

**We have another horror day forecast for this Friday - please think of us. **

**Thanks for the supportive emails, PMs and messages.**

Wednesday 5:00 AM

An hour before her alarm was due to go off, Olivia was awake with her head still on Elliot's shoulder, his arms around her, just as they had been when she had fallen asleep the night before. Without looking she knew he was also awake, dreading the day and the fact she had to return to work.

He had been at pains to tell her he wasn't worried about it, that he was fine at home by himself, that he didn't need her there; want - yes, need – no, but, now the day was here, his tight grasp on her belied his words.

"It's going to be alright," she said quietly, rubbing circles on his chest.

"I know," he replied, his fingers moving to tangle in her hair.

"Maureen will be here by ten, you'll have a great day. You won't even miss me," she continued.

"Will you miss me?" he asked, and Olivia propped herself up at the forlorn tone of his voice.

"Is this what this has been about?" she asked, her hands holding his face as he tried to turn his head. "You're not worried about being home without me; you're worried about me being at work without you." It all made sense.

"I … It's just … You'll have some other partner, probably that Emerson guy, I don't even know him … How can I trust he'll have your back?" he asked, his eyes now locked onto hers.

"El, I've worked with other partners before," she said gently.

"Yeah, and I didn't like it then either, but at least I was around and could keep…" he trailed off, not wanting to give away too much.

"Keep an eye on me?" she offered, stroking his face.

"Well, yeah," he admitted gruffly. "You don't know how hard it was to watch you with someone else, I never trusted you being someone else's partner…" he stopped and shook his head. "I mean, I trust you… just not them with you," he corrected.

"I get that, baby," she soothed. "But I think we have to face the fact that we are never going to be partners again."

Elliot's eyes opened wide. "What do you mean?" he breathed.

"You know the regulations," she said gently. "Don won't let us be partnered or even stay in the same squad, not after this."

He shook his head, he hadn't really thought about it. He knew what she was saying was right, it was one of the reasons he had never acted on his feelings after the divorce but, in light of the cancer, he hadn't given it any consideration. His desperate need for her overriding everything else.

"El," she continued. "I think this relationship is more important than our partnership, don't you?"

"Relationship?" he echoed, staring blankly at her.

"You and I, together, outside the job, loving each other, relationship," she listed and watched as he began to nod.

"Yeah, it's more important," he finally agreed.

"Glad to see you think so," she smiled. "You had me worried."

"Sorry, babe," he said, reaching in to kiss her.

In the last month, despite their newfound closeness, he had never considered that they were in a relationship. Yes, they had both declared their love. Yes, he wanted her with him forever and a day. Yes, she was his life. But the transition from partners to this new phase had been so seamless it had never actually been articulated. Olivia watched him as he processed the conversation, and read his mind.

"We are in a relationship, aren't we, El?" she asked nervously. "I mean I know we never discussed it as such but I just…"

"We are, we definitely are… absolutely, positively," he smiled and grinned wider when she smiled back in relief.

Before his diagnosis he had been living in denial, telling himself that he and Olivia could exist solely as friends and partners, that he needed nothing more from her, that he felt nothing more for her. It was the first night in her bed he finally acknowledged what he could no longer deny; he needed her, wanted her, loved her and would for the rest of his life. He was very relieved she felt the same way.

Although arriving home at seven, much later than she had expected, or wanted to, Olivia hadn't had much of an opportunity to miss Elliot. He'd called her four times, texted her, emailed her. Each one had its own purpose; did she know where the remote control was? What time was she working to? Was Emerson her partner? What did she want for dinner? Each time she couldn't help but smile, she knew she'd have done the same if their situations were reversed.

Entering her apartment she was surprised by the stillness, she'd half expected Elliot to pounce on her the minute she was through the door. Instead she was met with a darkened, silent apartment. She hung up her jacket by the door and made her way to the bedroom, smiling when she saw him asleep on her side of the bed, her nightgown tucked between his face and her pillow.

Sitting on the bed, she gently caressed his head, wondering how long he'd been asleep for and whether she should wake him. It didn't matter, feeling her fingers on him, he woke.

"Livia?" he mumbled, struggling to open his eyes.

"Hey, El," she said, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

"You home?" he asked, sleep still clouding his mind.

"Yeah, I'm home, baby," she smiled; she liked the idea of coming home to him. "How long have you been asleep?"

"Not long," he yawned. "Laid down about three and it's only f…"

"Seven," Olivia filled in as he tried to look at the clock.

"Seven? Already?" he questioned, surprised. He hadn't felt that tired when Maureen insisted he go and rest as she was leaving. In the end he conceded, thinking he be able rest and still be up to have dinner ready for Olivia when she returned from work.

"Yeah, how are you feeling?" she asked, her fingers trailing along his cheek.

"Good," he smiled wearily. He was definitely doing much better now that she was home. "You hungry?"

"Yeah, what's for dinner?" she replied, she knew he just wanted to feed her, to make sure she ate. She also knew she wasn't that hungry but would eat so he would.

By the end of the first week of Olivia being back at work, Elliot was already stir crazy; he had no idea how he was going to cope with another two weeks at home before the next treatment. He knew the answer was returning to work, he knew he maybe not be on active duty and definitely knew he wouldn't be Olivia's partner, but still, he'd be back at the precinct, something other than his illness occupying his mind.

Mind made up, all he had to do was tell Olivia and then convince Don he was up to it. He promised himself he would do it over the weekend and then see Don first thing Monday morning. It sounded easy, but his first stumbling block came Saturday morning as he lay entwined with Olivia in bed.

"What do you mean?" she asked, pulling away from when he'd broken the news.

"What do you mean, what do I mean?" he questioned. He'd been quite clear, when he told her of his plans.

"I thought Bainbridge gave you indefinite leave until the treatment is over," she stated, sitting up in the bed.

"Yeah, but with one cycle a month, it could be six to eight months. I'll go crazy sitting here the whole time," he said. "Besides I'm not sick…"

"But you do need to rest and…" she interrupted.

"Yeah, but I can go back part time, do a few hours a day, or even a couple of full days a week," he broke in.

"But what about the risk of infection, lots of people go through the precinct, you'd be more susceptible to picking up anything that's going," she continued, understanding his need for work but not liking the idea.

"I'll check with Bainbridge but I'm sure he'll be okay with it if I am," he replied, frustrated that she wouldn't just agree with him.

"Even if Bainbridge says yes and if Don says yes, what do you plan on doing at the house?" she asked, folding her legs underneath her.

"Paperwork, filing, answer the phones, honestly, Liv, I don't care what I do only that I'm doing something…" he said with a huge smile, hoping to win her over. He knew she understood his situation, he also knew she was worried about him. He'd be against her returning too if the situation was reversed.

It took a lot more convincing for Elliot to return on a severely limited basis. Dr Bainbridge was not enthusiastic about it, given the nature of the job, but conceded it would do good for Elliot's mental wellbeing. He consented to three, five hour days, in weeks three and four of the cycle. When Elliot tried to push the issue, the doctor made it clear that the immediate week after the treatment was for rest and recovery only. He was also adamant that if Elliot wanted to push the point, he would reduce it to two, three hour days. He relented immediately.

With this in mind, Elliot attended the precinct on the Tuesday, for a meeting with Don. He had told him nothing only that he wanted some of his boss' time and Don had been left wondering all morning as to the nature of the chat Elliot wanted to have.

Sitting at her desk, Olivia watched the two men through the opened blinds. Elliot had asked her to go in with him, feeling Don would acquiesce quickly if both he and Olivia presented the proposition but she had declined, telling him he had to do this alone.

Now, she watched the conversation and wished she had gone in. It was an animated discussion as both men tried to convince the other of his point. In the end, she knew Don had given in as he nodded and shook Elliot's hand and when Elliot opened the door he a huge smile in place.

"Looks like we'll be working together again," he grinned, plonking himself down at his desk and rubbing the top of it.

"Really?" she questioned, leaning back in her chair.

"Well, not me and you specifically," he corrected, still smiling. "But three days a week I get to come in and do something…"

"How did you convince Cragen?" she asked, looking back into his office.

"Played on his sympathies… in the end he said he may as well have me come in as you'd probably get more work done that way," Elliot answered, shuffling papers on his desk.

"What does that mean?" she questioned, leaning forward on her desk.

"Um, well, I think he's aware just how often I've been phoning you. Guess he thinks if I'm here you'll be able to do something other than answering your phone," he explained, his smile not fading.

"I guess he's right," Olivia nodded. "So when are you in?"

"Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, ten til three, start tomorrow."

Olivia couldn't help but smile at the excited look on his face, just like a little boy on Christmas Eve. Despite her earlier reluctance she was glad he'd be in, it didn't seem like the same place without him sitting across from her. And, she knew, he'd be more comfortable about her and who she was working with, and she'd be able to keep an eye on him and make sure he didn't over do it. It was win - win.

Snuggled in bed later than night, Olivia was drifting off to sleep when Elliot mumbled something. At first she ignored him thinking he was asleep, but has his voice rumbled on she realised he was actually talking to her.

"Huh?" she finally said, having missed it all.

"Don't worry," he sighed, letting her go and rolling away.

"El," she called, propping herself up and draping her arm over his arm and down his chest. "I didn't hear you, honestly. What did you say?" She tugged at him to roll back and he did reluctantly.

When he was on his back, she caressed his face and leant on him.

"Talk," she prompted, when his eyes fluttered closed.

"I was telling you how much I love you and how …" he whispered as his eyes opened and focused on her.

"I love you too, baby," she whispered in return.

"And how thankful I am I have you in my life," he continued, as she moved to lay on him.

"I'm thankful too," she responded, as his hand trailed through her hair.

"And how, despite everything, I consider myself lucky," he added.

"How?" she questioned, inching up his body.

"This cancer has given me the chance to realise just what's important in my life … and that you are …" he reached up to kiss her nose. "You are my life, and at some level I've always known it but now I can say it and celebrate it…"

Tears filled her eyes, reflecting the watery blue orbs she saw in front of her. "You're my life too, always have been." She dropped her head and allowed her lips to brush along his. "Love you so much, Elliot," she mumbled as their lips locked. "So much."

Much of Elliot's first day back at the precinct was spent talking to colleagues who were stopping by to catch up with him and wish him well. He'd fielded a few calls, filed old forms and ensured the coffee pot was kept full. Not exactly what he had intended but as Olivia was out on a call with Munch, he couldn't just sit there and stare at her.

"It's three," Don said, coming from behind him bringing him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah, I know," Elliot replied, straightening up in his chair.

"Time for you to go," his boss prompted when Elliot showed no sign of standing up.

"Can I wait for Olivia?" he asked hopefully.

"She won't be back for at least an hour, and won't be finishing for a while yet," Don explained.

"I don't mind," Elliot smiled.

"Elliot, you're going home. You know I spoke to Dr Bainbridge and …" Don began.

"Yeah, yeah, I know…" he sighed. "I'm going."

Despite his desire not to, Elliot was asleep on the sofa fifteen minutes after returning home and didn't wake until Olivia leaned over and kissed his head.

"Big day?" she asked as he rolled and yawned.

"I did nothing," he groaned. "But I feel like I've worked 36 hours."  
"And this was why Bainbridge was so insistent about limiting your hours," Olivia replied, reluctant to say 'I told you so'.

"I know," he sighed, closing his eyes once more. "I just thought I could be useful and not drive myself crazy here."

"I know," she replied, kissing his forehead. "You hungry?"

"Yeah, I think so," he said, sitting up.

"Did you have lunch today?" she called, walking to the kitchen.

"Yes, I did," he answered, following her. "Don took me to lunch and made sure I ate."

"Good," replied Olivia, happy to have Don looking out for him too.

The week moved slowly but Elliot was happy to be more productive at the precinct and finish work feeling less tired. By the following week he was nagging Don about being allowed to go out on a call and Don was adamant it wasn't happening. Elliot was only insistent when Olivia was out of the station, knowing she'd kill him if she knew what he was doing.

"Olivia, can I have a word?" Don asked, when she returned early Friday afternoon from a case with Munch.

"Sure," she said, depositing her things on her desk. "You been behaving yourself?" she whispered as she moved by Elliot.

"Always," he grinned.

"What's up?" she asked, entering her boss' office.

"Close the door," he instructed, coming to sit on the front of his desk.

"What's wrong?" she asked, sitting in the chair he was gesturing to.

"How's Elliot doing?" he asked, getting straight to the point.

"Okay," she reported. "He's feeling quite well this week. Not looking forward to the cycle starting again next week but it's to be expected. Why?"

"I was just wondering if he'd had any news, any results in recent days…" Don started.

"No, there won't be any more tests until we finish this course. Why?" she asked, hoping he'd ignore the fact she'd said 'we'.

"On Monday, I heard him speaking to someone about his will, and yesterday his lawyer rang …" he reported. "I mean he seemed alright with it … I was just concerned …"

"As far as I know there's nothing to be concerned about," Olivia said, but her heart was racing. They'd discuss so many things since this all began, she was sure he would have told her about this, unless he didn't want to worry her.

"Well, you'd tell me if there was a reason, wouldn't you?" he asked, studying her intently.

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Now, your replacement has been organised, it's Edgar Rooke, he starts Monday," Don explained. "So, as it's coming up to three, if you want to take Elliot home now, you can … and I'll see you, in an official capacity after this is all done."

"Thanks, Don, I will," she smiled. Elliot may have been feeling better and less fatigued in recent days but she certainly hadn't. She stood and headed to the door. "Don," she paused.

"Yes, Liv?" he asked, moving back to his chair.

"Thanks for everything, I really mean it," she said gratefully, walking towards him.

"No need to thank me, Liv," he replied. "He means a lot to me, and so do you. I'm happy to help."

Olivia embraced him tightly, so glad to have him in their corner. There were still going to be challenges ahead, both personal and professional, and she knew they'd need his support and guidance.

"Something I should know about you two?" Elliot asked, nodding towards Don's office as Olivia handed him his jacket.

"Nope," she replied, grabbing her purse. "You ready to go?"

"Are you taking me home?" he asked.

"Yes, I am," she replied. "Ready?"

"Do you have to come back?" he asked, watching as she straightened her desk.

"Not full time until the treatment is completed," she answered, picking up her sweater.

"In that case," he grinned. "Let's get out of here."

When they were in the elevator, Elliot asked about Don once more.

''You gonna tell me?" he asked as the doors slid shut.

"Tell you what?" she asked, turning to him.

"You and Cragen…that hug?" he pressed.

"Jealous?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Depends," he began. "Is there something to be jealous of?"

Olivia laughed at the mere thought of there being something more between her and Don Cragen.

She stepped out of the elevator and Elliot hurried to follow her. "So," he pestered. "Are you going to tell me?"

"El, there's nothing to tell," she smiled as she unlocked the car.

"So, you hugging the boss is something that happens regularly?" he questioned. "Guess it only happens when I'm out."

If he didn't seem so serious about the whole thing, Olivia would have let it go on but looking at the questions in his eyes she decided to relent.

"I was thanking him, El," she said, starting the engine.

"For what?" he asked fastening his seatbelt.

"His support," she answered. "With all of this…" She waved her hand around trying to get her point across.

"He has been pretty good," Elliot conceded.

"Yeah, he has," she nodded.

"But it doesn't mean I have to hug him too, does it?" he questioned in all seriousness.

"No, baby," she said, taking his hand. "You only have to hug me."

"That I can definitely do," he grinned.

They'd been home just on two hours and had curled up together on the sofa to watch a movie, Elliot insisting he wasn't tired at all. He took it as a personal victory that Olivia fell asleep in his arms long before his eyes fluttered closed. When the intercom buzzed, Elliot's eyes flew open once more. Gently, he eased Olivia onto the sofa and went to press the button.

"Yes?" he yawned.

"Hey, dad, it's me!" called Maureen.

"Come on up, honey," he replied, pressing the button.

While he waited for Maureen to arrive, Elliot carefully covered Olivia with the throw rug and put their discarded shoes into the bedroom.

"Hey, Mo," he greeted in hushed tones as he opened the door.

"Liv asleep?" she asked, as she kissed his cheek.

"Yeah," he replied, pointing to the sofa.

"Did I wake you?" Maureen asked.

"Not really, I'm feeling alright today," he replied, heading to the kitchen. Maureen followed.

"Coffee?" he asked, grabbing two mugs from the cupboard.

"Yes, please," Maureen replied. "I can get it though, sit down."

"Thanks, honey, but I can get it," he said, retrieving the sugar.

"How's Liv doing?" she whispered, not wanting to be overheard.

"She's doing okay," he replied, pouring the strong brew.

"Oh, good," she said unconvinced.

"Why wouldn't she be okay?" he asked, placing the mug in front of his eldest daughter.

"I don't know," Maureen answered. "She just hasn't seemed 100 percent these last few days, you know, headaches and being tired."

Elliot nodded, not that he had realised it himself but now Maureen had mentioned it, it was obvious.

"Has she said anything to you?" Elliot asked, knowing she had spoken to Olivia on a daily basis since coming over that first Saturday night.

"No," Maureen shook her head. "She not mentioned it to you?"

"Who's mentioned what?" Olivia yawned, coming into the kitchen.

"Lizzie," Maureen lied. "Wants to get a nose ring."

"Oh," Olivia yawned. "Bet dad doesn't like that," she smiled at Elliot.

"No, dad doesn't like it in the least," he replied, wrapping an arm around Olivia and kissing her head. "Have a nice nap?"

"Don't know, I slept through it," she smiled wearily, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Can I get you some coffee?" Maureen asked but Olivia shook her head. "Tea? Water? Soda?"

"No, thanks, honey, I'm fine," she sighed, holding Elliot a little tighter.

Maureen smiled broadly at the couple in front of her, Elliot's arms wrapped around Olivia tightly as she rested against his chest. It had been hard for her when her parents had separated, then divorced, but even despite her first hopes that her parents would reconcile, she had to concede that things were irreconcilable between them and neither parent was happy. And looking at Olivia and her dad right now, she knew finally, despite everything, her dad was happy and that was all that mattered.

"What?" Elliot asked, breaking Maureen out of her thoughts.

"Nothing," she replied. "Just thinking."

"About?" Olivia prompted, turning around to face her.

Not wanting to go with the truth, Maureen lied. "Dinner," she grinned. "It's my shout, so what will it be?" She looked at them both. "And you can't say you're not hungry," she warned them.

"If it wasn't biologically impossible," Elliot began, looking into Olivia's deep brown eyes. "I'd say she takes after you."

Olivia gently nudged him in the stomach. "Ha, ha," she said, moving towards Maureen.

"What do you feel like, honey?" she asked, wrapping an arm around Maureen.

"Well, I thought I could make the spaghetti that dad likes…" she began.

"Sounds good to me," Olivia smiled. "But I'm pretty sure I have none of the ingredients, sorry."

"Doesn't matter," Maureen replied. "The grocery store's only a block away."

"Well, let me give you some money," Elliot said, fishing around for his wallet.

"Nope, it's on me," Maureen replied. "I'll be back soon," she said, heading to the door.

When the door closed behind Maureen, Elliot took Olivia in his arms once more.

"You feeling better?" he whispered, kissing her head.

"I wasn't feeling unwell," she replied, linking her arms around his neck.

"But you have been, haven't you?" he asked, leaning his head on hers.

"Nah, not really," she replied. "Just tired."

"And the headaches?" he prompted.

"They're okay," she smiled. "All gone."

"What's causing them?" he asked, knowing she wasn't prone to headaches.

"I'm trying to give up caffeine," she yawned. "And my body's not happy about it."  
"Why are you giving up caffeine?" he questioned.

"You miss interrogations, don't you?" she asked, reaching in and kissing his cheek.

"Yes, and you're changing the topic. Why are you giving up caffeine?" he repeated.

"Because on the job I live on the stuff to keep me going all hours of the day and night. Now, I have some time off, I figured I'd try and get into a regular sleeping pattern," she explained. "Give my body some time off. Is that alright with you?"

"It's fine by me," he conceded, happy enough with her explanation. "Maybe I should do the same," he added.

"Only if you want to," she said, not sure if she could handle decaffeinated Elliot going through withdrawals.

**Please don't forget to review!**


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction. **

**Thanks for the supportive emails, PMs and messages.**

**AN: Because you've all been so good in reviewing the last chapter, I decided to update now as well as combining the next two chapters - as I know some of you just NEEDED to know the outcome. **

**I have a busy week coming up but will update again later on this week... if you're looking for something else to read in the meantime, then check out Death of a Child ... and remember reviews = updates :)**

Treatment 2

When Monday arrived so did Connie, with her case of 'treats', as Elliot referred to them.

"God, these are horrible," he complained as he swallowed the tablets.

"All tablets are, El," Olivia smiled as she took the cup back from him.

"Well, these are worse," he added and slumped into the armchair. Knowing he'd woken up in a grumpy mood, Olivia just nodded.

"So, how are you feeling today, Elliot?" Connie asked, assembling the IV.

"Peachy!" he answered with a roll of his eyes.

"Oh, that good," she answered. "Anything I can do?"

Elliot sighed and shook his head, he had never been a fan of anything medical, but he had to concede Connie was an exception.

"Nah, thanks anyway," he sighed as he rolled up his sleeve.

"If you change your mind…" she offered as Olivia came back into the living room.

Elliot kept his eyes firmly fixed on Olivia as the needle was being inserted into his arm and he couldn't help but smile at her when she grimaced for him.

"It's not that bad, Liv," he reassured her, knowing she'd had a much interrupted night's sleep, again.

"Yeah, I know," she agreed with a sigh. "Connie, can I get you something to drink?" she offered, leaning on the sofa.

"A glass of water would be great," she answered, picking up her paperwork.

"Sure," she answered as she retreated into the kitchen.

"Is Olivia okay?" she asked, her voice hushed.

"She's tired," Elliot replied. "Didn't sleep well."

"She looks a little pale," she commented and Elliot nodded, he'd thought the same thing. "Are you right here?" she asked. "I might just go check on her."

Before Elliot could answer, Connie had made her way into the kitchen only to find Olivia standing with both hands pressed firmly on the sink, her head hanging low.

"Olivia?" she started, resting her hand on Olivia's back. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she nodded, standing up slowly.

"You're not," Connie corrected, watching Olivia's eyes swirl.

"Little dizzy," she managed as she leant back against the counter.

"And?" Connie prompted.

"Nausea, headache …" she recited, trying to focus on her guest.

"Why do you think that is?" she asked.

"Probably a bug I've picked up. Lizzie, Elliot's youngest daughter, had it last week," Olivia explained and then suddenly stood up. "Elliot? He can't afford to pick this up! I can't be near him like this…"

"Relax, Olivia," Connie reassured her. "If you picked it up from Lizzie then Elliot could have done the same. Have you been eating properly?"

"Sort of," Olivia said.

"Sort of?" Connie countered. "Not felt like it but we've probably been eating better than when we're working."

"Okay, what about sleeping?" she continued.

"Yeah, that's okay…" she answered.

"Except last night," Connie corrected. "Elliot said you didn't sleep much."

"That's because he wasn't sleeping – which is why he's so grumpy today," she explained.

"So, why wasn't he sleeping?" she asked.

"No idea," she sighed. "He's slept pretty well the last couple of months."

Connie took a moment to scan Olivia's body, studying her face; the dark circles, the pale skin, the fatigue. As she did, she noticed Olivia's eyes widen.

"Olivia? What is it?" she questioned.

"My period," she whispered.

"What about it?" Connie asked.

"I haven't had it …" she began, her voice very weak.

"Since when, Olivia?" she prompted.

"Since all this started …" she said, waving her hand around.

"When the body's under stress these things happen," Connie informed her. "Are you usually regular?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, but this is the longest it's been."

"Well, maybe that's contributing to your problems," she smiled. Olivia nodded silently. "Any chance you could be pregnant?"

"No," she whispered quietly. She and Elliot had only had sex a handful of times before his treatment started and she was on the pill. Her chances were remote.

"You sure?" Connie probed. "It only takes once…"

Olivia stared at the nurse for a few long moments.

"I guess it's possible…" Olivia sighed, not wanting to believe it.

"Hey?" Elliot called from the living room. "Everything alright in there?"

"Yes," Connie replied, coming back into him. "Sorry, we were just talking."

"Is Olivia okay?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah, just feeling a little unwell," she reported, checking the IV bag. "She thinks it might be that bug your daughter had."

"Oh, okay," he nodded, that made sense. However, looking at Olivia's face as she came back in, he knew it was more than that. "You okay, baby?" he asked.

"Just tired," she smiled. "I think I might go lie down for a while, is that okay?"

"Sure," he replied, watching her intently.

"Connie, I'll see you tomorrow," she said then headed to the bedroom.

Olivia was sound asleep by the time Elliot's treatment was completed and he had made his way into her. Shedding his clothes, he slipped between the covers. Tired beyond belief, he wanted to succumb to slumber quickly, however, looking at Olivia, he equally wanted to hold her and talk things through. In the end, he nestled in behind her and wrapped his arm around her waist, his head resting on her pillow. Dropping one kiss onto her shoulder, he closed his eyes and let sleep come.

Hours later, when all signs of daylight had disappeared, Olivia stirred and smiled at their joined hands resting on her stomach. She let her mind wander to the possibilities of the situation. There was no question she wanted a baby, but did Elliot? He already had four beautiful children; well, three and Kathleen who had improved in her whole approach to her father since this started. There was no question she loved him and wanted a future with him, but did he? Lately, there were things he wasn't telling her … the will, the lawyer, why he couldn't sleep the night before…

A baby now, even with his illness, even with their relationship being at such an early stage, would be welcome. She knew she wasn't getting any younger and it wasn't as if opportunity came knocking on her door with any regularity. She lay there imagining what a little Stabler – Benson would look like; would he have his daddy's looks and mommy's temperament or would she have the reverse? Would the baby have chocolate eyes or ones of crystal blue? She couldn't help but smile.

"You awake?" Elliot groaned from behind her.

"Yeah," she replied, closing her eyes and promising herself not to say anything until she was certain; the only thing worse than no hope was false hope. Rolling over to him she rested her head on his shoulder and ran her hand across his chest. "How are you doing?"

"Blah," he replied, summing it all up. "How are you?"

"I'm okay," she smiled. "I think the sleep helped."

"Yeah? That's good," he replied, kissing her head.

"Did it help you?" she questioned, looking up at him.

"Help me what?" he yawned.

"Feel better? Improve your mood? Relax?" she said, cupping his cheek.

"I was an ass this morning, wasn't I?" he asked, a frown on his lips.

"Aha," she nodded. "Not sleeping does that to you."

"You weren't sleeping either," he retorted in defence.

"Only because you kept waking me," she replied.

"How?" he questioned.

"You were talking and tossing and turning…" she began to explain.

"Sorry, bad dream," he admitted. "Why didn't you tell me that was the reason?"

"Didn't want you to feel bad about it," she sighed, snuggling into him.

"You should have told me, Liv," he replied, kissing her head.

"Like you told me about the will and the lawyer last week?" she questioned without moving.

She felt him pull back from her.

"How do you know about that?" he questioned.

"Does it matter?" she replied. "I just thought given we were in this together and that we'd discussed so many things, you'd have mentioned it."

"I didn't want you to think that I was thinking the worst," he admitted, settling back into the bed with her.

"Well, I wouldn't have been thinking that had you just told me from the outset," she countered, looking up at him.

"It was just housekeeping, Liv, really," he began. "I hadn't changed it since the divorce, and I needed to. I mean the settlement took care of much of the stuff I had and we made arrangements for the kids, just in case, but I wanted to update it … to ensure it was right."

"So, why not just tell me?" she asked, moving onto him.

"Because…" he paused and gazed into her eyes. "I wanted to make sure … I included you … well, you were already there in the original…"

"Really?" she questioned.

"Yes, but with this update I wanted to make sure it reflected the changes that had occurred … so if the worst happens … well, you were taken care of…" he whispered, tears clouding his blue eyes.

"Thank you, baby," she replied, brushing her lips across his. "But all I need is for you to beat this thing, okay?"

"Okay," he grinned, kissing her forehead.

By Wednesday, Olivia was still feeling lousy and debating seriously about going to the doctor. She tried to convince herself she wasn't pregnant as she didn't want the disappointment. However, if she wasn't pregnant and was actually sick, then she really shouldn't be around Elliot and expose him to whatever it was that was ailing her.

"Maybe you can go tomorrow," Connie suggested in hushed tones as she stood in the kitchen with Olivia. "Go while I'm here."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," she agreed. "I'll call now and see if I can get an appointment."

"Good," she smiled. "I'll go back and keep Elliot company before he gets too lonely."

With her appointment made, Olivia moved back into the living room she smiled at Connie before sitting on the sofa next to Elliot.

"Everything alright?" he asked, taking her hand.

"Yeah, just made an appointment to see Dr McIntyre tomorrow afternoon when Connie's here," she explained. "Just want to check on these headaches … he'll probably say it's stress or I need glasses."

"If you want to leave it til next week, I can come with you," Elliot offered.

"Nah, the sooner the better," she smiled. "Besides if this is a bug, I need to be careful about exposing you to it."

"True," he nodded, not that he liked it at all.

The following evening, they lay curled up on the sofa, Olivia was drifting in and out of sleep, a smile playing across her lips. While she tried not to think of the pregnancy test she'd had done at the doctor's, she couldn't help but pray that the blood test confirmed what she was hoping for.

"You look happy," Elliot cooed into her ear as he watched her intently.

"Am," she sighed. "Very."

"Why is that?" he asked curiously.

"Baby … love you …," she murmured.

"Love you too, baby," he replied, kissing her head.

And with that she drifted off to sleep with happy thoughts.

Olivia's joy of the night before was replaced with a sense of devastation when she used the bathroom midmorning. Her period had arrived, late but clearly obvious. For the next twenty minutes she sat on the toilet as the tears streamed down her face, not wanting to see Elliot until she was in control.

"You alright in there, Liv?" he asked, knocking on the door.

"Yeah," she managed, using her sleeve to wipe her face. "Just going to have a shower, okay?"

"Liv?" he called again, noting the tears in her voice. He tried the door but it was locked, the first time since he'd moved in. "Olivia???"

"I'm okay, El," she replied. "Just give me a few minutes."

"Olivia, open the door for me, please," he asked in the most controlled voice he could muster.

"Let me have a shower first and then I'll be out," she replied.

"Honey, you've already had a shower this morning, now open the door and let me in," he called out, his frustration clearly evident.

Not sure how to get out of the situation, Olivia stood and flushed the toilet. Pulling up her jeans and then washing her hands, she glanced at herself in the mirror. There was nothing she could do to remove the traces of her tears before she opened the door.

"What?" she asked, unlocking and opening the door.

"What's wrong?" he asked, resting his hands on her shoulders to stop her moving past him.

"Nothing," she lied with a sigh.

"Try again," he said as his arms slipped around her and pulled her to him. "What's wrong, baby?"

The word 'baby' was enough to make the tears start again.

"Feel like crap," she cried into his shirt, her fingers curled into the fabric.

"You in pain?" he asked, drawing her face up to his. She shook her head but the pain was clearly evident in her eyes. "You are," he answered for her. "Want me to get you something? Aspirin? Tylenol?"

"I'll get it," she said, pulling back.

"Wait, Liv," he replied, holding her close once more. "You'd tell me if it was something else, wouldn't you?" She nodded slowly. "Love you, Liv." She nodded once more and made her way to the kitchen.

Despite all his efforts to care for and comfort Olivia, Elliot could tell he wasn't reaching her and it killed him. When Connie rang the buzzer, Olivia excused herself and headed for the bedroom, not wanting to see anyone.

"Hello, Elliot," Connie said brightly as he opened the door.

"Hi, Connie, how are you?" he asked as he closed it behind her.

"That's usually my question," she smiled, before taking in his sombre appearance. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," he nodded but looked to the closed bedroom door.

"Olivia in there?" she asked as she opened the case.

"Yeah," he said, sitting down on the sofa.

"Is she okay?" Connie asked, knowing the answer by his expression.

"No, not really," he said, tears filling his eyes. "But she won't tell me."

"Well, how about we get you started and I go talk to her, see if I can help?" she offered and Elliot nodded.

With the IV in place, Elliot swung his legs onto the sofa and lay back, he watched as Connie made her way to the bedroom and knock briskly. She didn't wait for any answer, opening the door and closing it behind her.

"Olivia, are you awake?" she asked, sitting on the bed next to her.

"Aha," she muttered through her tears.

"Tell me," Connie said quietly.

"Not pregnant," she said simply.

"Did your doctor call you this morning?" she asked, knowing that was the arrangement.

"No, not yet," she cried. "But my period arrived so I'm taking that as a no."

As if on cue the phone rang and Connie reached to answer it.

"Benson residence," she said. "Yes, just one moment." She offered the phone to Olivia, "Dr McIntyre."

Taking a deep breath Olivia took the receiver. She only muttered a few words and Connie knew the call confirmed a negative pregnancy result and a referral to the optometrist to follow up on the probability of eyestrain causing the headaches. With the receiver back in the hook, Olivia sat up in the bed.

"So, that's a definite?" Connie asked, as Olivia's tears fell once more.

"Yeah," she nodded sadly.

"I'm so sorry," she soothed, patting her arm.

"Me too," she gulped.

"You know, this isn't the end," she reassured. "There will be other opportunities for you and Elliot."

"Yeah, but this whole treatment can make him sterile," she began. "And even if it doesn't, he already has four kids and … and …" The tears made it too hard to continue.

"Olivia," she said, holding her hand. "You need to talk to Elliot about this. He's very worried about you."

"I know," she nodded. "I just don't know what to say."

"Tell him the truth," she replied.

By the time Elliot had finished his treatment and Connie had departed, Olivia still hadn't re-emerged from the bedroom, so, quietly he made his way to her.

He knocked on the door through courtesy and made his way in.

"Liv?" he called softly.

"Hey," she replied, struggling to sit up. "You done?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "Do you want me to go or can I stay with you?"

"You can stay," she smiled sadly, lying back down. Elliot climbed into bed with her and debated what to do. "You can touch me."  
With that, Elliot slid right beside her and wrapped his arms around her tightly, kissing her head as he felt her relax into him. He had told himself he wouldn't push but it was killing him.

"I'm sorry," Olivia started after a prolonged silence.

"For what?" he asked, looking down at her.

"Being a basket case," she replied. "You must think I'm a nut."

"No, I think there's something going on and you just don't know how to tell me," he answered. Her silence spoke volumes. "And I would like you to," he continued. She still didn't reply; telling him wasn't that easy. "Just start with Elliot… I love you, but…"

She looked up at him when she caught the sorrowful tone of the 'but'.

"But what?" she asked tearfully.

"But … whatever the problem is … you know, like you don't want me here … or this… us … is just too hard or…" he rambled trying to think of anything that would cause her so much distress.

"There's no 'but', Elliot," she reassured him. "I love you, I want you here, I love us, and it's not too hard."

"Then what is it, baby?" he asked gently and watched as her tears tumbled once more.

After she struggled once more to regain control of her emotions, Olivia rolled onto him and kissed his chest.

"Love you so much, El," she whispered.

"Love you too, Liv," he replied, his heart breaking at the pain in her voice. She took several deep breaths before she felt his hand rubbing her back.

"Just tell me," he said.

"Don't know how," she replied. "Don't want to upset you, don't want you to think I'm being stupid, don't want … don't want…"

Elliot sat up and moved Olivia so she was cradled in his arms. Never in the decade he'd known her had he seen her in such a state and he knew this had nothing to do with headaches or physical pain of any description. His Olivia didn't respond to physical pain in such a way, usually she just ignored it, so the Olivia in his arms was experiencing something much bigger and much deeper.

"Livia," he whispered, kissing her forehead. "I promise, you tell me and I will love you just as much as I already do … even more so."

"Well," she began snuggling deeper into his arms. "I haven't been feeling well lately; you know, headaches and nausea and began to think that maybe it was something more …" she sighed, annoyed with herself for having been carried away with the possibility of being pregnant. "But my period started this morning and that was that," she whispered, fighting the tears once more.

It took Elliot a couple of moments to piece it together.

"Honey," he soothed, drawing her face to his. "Did you think you were pregnant?"

"Aha," she nodded. "Stupid I know, but …"  
"It's not stupid, Liv," he interjected, holding her a little tighter.

"It is!" she said adamantly, breaking free from him and jumping from the bed. "I shouldn't have let myself think it … but I did … and it hurts to know I'm not … and may never be … and I don't know what you think … don't even know if you want a baby with me … you already have four … not as if you need another … and … and…" Elliot was out bed moving around to her as she backed herself into the corner of the room. "And … and … with this treatment … you know the side effects … you may not be able to have a kid anyway … and that shouldn't matter to me … having you well should be the main thing … and it is …" she rambled as his arms surrounded her. "I want you well, I do … I just …"

Anything else she had to say was swallowed by her sobs as her knees gave way and she sunk to the floor, Elliot followed her down, holding tightly to her.

"I'm so sorry you're not pregnant, Olivia," he said, resting his head on hers. "I really am. Having a kid with you would be a dream come true. Yes, I have four and I love them… but one with you would be amazing. You'll make a wonderful mother and I want to be the one who makes that come true for you." Olivia wound her arms around his neck and held tight.

"But this treatment…" she began and he knew what she meant, chemotherapy caused sterility.

"And that's why I made arrangements before this started," he interrupted. She looked up at him not understanding. "Liv, when I went for my pre-op tests, there was an option to bank sperm, so I did."  
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked, wide-eyed.

"Because I didn't want to assume you wanted my baby, I didn't want to pressure you… and I wanted to keep our options open," he explained as the tears trickled down his cheeks. "Liv, I love you, I want to give you everything … and if that means conceiving this way rather than naturally, then that's what we'll do… okay?"

"Yeah, okay," she nodded. "Thank you," she whimpered.

"No, thank you," he replied as he pulled her tightly to him.

**Please don't forget to review!**


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction. **

The week following the treatment, Elliot was far more lethargic than he had been previously. While not really feeling sicker, in the true sense of the word, he felt like every ounce of energy had been drained from his body. Spending most of the week in bed or on the sofa in a seemingly perpetual state of drowsiness; he wasn't sure whether it was the illness, the treatment, or the whole emotional roller coaster he'd been on with Olivia and her non-pregnancy.

Whatever it was, some days he couldn't muster the energy or the inclination for a conversation of more than a few sentences. It made for a lot of quiet times, something almost unheard of in his lifetime. With visitors kept to a strict minimum and Olivia the only other person in the apartment, he relished the quiet in the first few days but when he started to feel a little brighter, it began to drive him crazy.

Thursday afternoon, having slept most of it away, Elliot opened his eyes and scanned the living room from his vantage point of the sofa. He expected to see Olivia in the armchair where she'd been the last time his eyes had managed to open but she wasn't. He listened intently but there were no sounds from within the apartment.

Suddenly, Elliot had a very uneasy feeling that perhaps she had gone out and that thought scared him. Not because he didn't want to be left alone but because he was scared of something so minor. He couldn't fathom why it would be an issue, why being home alone was an issue. For years he'd longed for the peace and quiet of an empty house. Even at his own place he enjoyed the tranquillity of the nothingness that surrounded him. But this was different, and he knew it.

Unsteadily, he got to his feet, using the furniture to support him; he headed to the kitchen to see if she'd left him a note, she hadn't. Coming back out, he scanned the living room, no note there either. Grabbing his cell from the side table, he checked for messages or missed calls, there were neither. Leaning against the wall while deciding what to do, he missed Olivia opening the study door.

"Hey, you're awake," she smiled, coming over to him.

"Yeah," he nodded, embracing her tightly.

"Everything okay, El?" she asked, as she struggled to breathe in his hug.

"Yeah, yeah," he whispered, resting his head on hers.

"What is it?" she asked, snaking her arms free and cupping his face.

"Nothing," he sighed, but watched as she quirked an eyebrow. "Well, I think I was just a little disorientated," he explained, sparing the truth. "I woke up and thought you weren't here."

"I wouldn't have left you home by yourself," she replied. "Not this week."

"I know," he agreed. "I just couldn't find you."

"I was just in there," she said, nodding towards the door.

"I know," he agreed. "I know now, not when I woke up," he corrected.

Knowing he wasn't telling her everything, Olivia wasn't going to push the issue; instead she just wrapped her arms around him and held him to her. Running her fingers through his hair, she whispered her love to him and he replied. As Elliot went to straighten up, Olivia retracted her hand and they both looked at it. Her hand was covered in strands of his hair.

'God, El," she cried. "I'm so sorry." She looked from her hand to his face.

"Not your fault," he replied, emotion filling his voice. "It happens."

"Yeah, I know but still…" she trailed, at a loss for words.

When he realised Olivia was more upset than he was, he drew her back to him and kissed her cheek.

"I might be losing my hair," he began quietly. "But look on the bright side, think of all the savings we'll make on shampoo and conditioner."

For a long moment she studied him before laughing. "It's not like it costs much as it is," she replied.

"I know," he grinned. "Look, it's been trying to get away from me for years … it's just having a little help now."

"You really okay about this?" she asked, linking her arms around his neck. "Or is this for my benefit?"

"Well," he drawled. "I wouldn't choose for this to be happening. But as it's receded over the years, I've often considered shaving it all off, you know, see what it looks like. Guess we'll know now."

"If you want some moral support, I'll get mine all cut off," she offered. "I don't think I'd get it shaved but I can have it cropped short like I did a few years back."

"NO!" he replied adamantly, kissing her head repeatedly. "I love your hair like this, besides you've got enough for both of us so we'll just have to run our fingers through yours."

"You sure? I'd do it for you," she offered again.

"I know you would. And I'm positive," he replied. "But thank you."

As the days blurred into each other, and into the next weeks, Olivia watched as Elliot tried to ignore the few bald patches which had appeared. Desperate for an escape before the next round of treatment began the following week, Olivia came up with a plan.

"El," she began, curled up in his arms on the sofa. "You know Don's niece has that house by the lake, upstate?"

"Yeah, what about it?" he replied, pulling her back to him.

"What do you think about spending a few days up there this weekend?" she offered. "If you're up to it."

"I think it's a good idea," he answered. "You mind if we take the twins?" he asked, knowing he really hadn't spent much time with them recently.

"I think that's a great idea. What about Mo and Kathleen?" she suggested, turning to face him.

"Um," he thought. "Maybe not this time. I can handle two, not too sure about four," he answered honestly. "Maybe in a few weeks we can do this again and take them."

"Sounds like a plan to me," she grinned, kissing his nose, glad he was planning positive things in the coming months.

Sitting up, Olivia grabbed the phone, no time like the present to make arrangements. "You want to do it or you want me to do it?"

"I'll do it," he said, sitting up and reaching for the phone. "Just tell me the plans," he added, not really up to thinking it through for himself.

"Well, if Kathy will let them have Friday off, we can pick them up tomorrow after school and head off, we'd be there by seven. It would give us three days and the kids would be back late Sunday afternoon, ready for school. We'll even make sure they do their homework," she added.

Elliot's phone call took all of six minutes. Kathy had already been in the midst of trying to make arrangements for them as she had a wedding on Saturday and a Christening Sunday and would be away overnight. Maureen was going to stay for the weekend but she'd been called in to work and new plans were needed. Although Kathy wasn't keen on them missing school, she conceded that time spent with their dad was probably more important at this time, so long as he contacted the school himself.

"So, they can come?" Olivia asked as he ended the call.

"Yep," he grinned. "They are very excited. Although I'm not sure if that's about spending time with us or missing school."

"Oh," she smiled. "I'm sure it's missing school." He laughed, the first time she'd heard him laugh in days.

"I'm sure it is too," he agreed. "Now, remind me to phone the school tomorrow and let them know." Olivia was going to ask why he had to do it but she didn't, she just nodded in agreement. "I'm doing it because I want them with us and I'm their dad," he whispered, answering her unasked question. She just nodded once more.

It was with a deep breath; Olivia pulled the car into the driveway of the Stabler house. She'd done it countless times before and she'd seen Kathy several times in the months Elliot had been sick but something felt different this time.

"What is it, Livia?" he asked, taking her hand as it rested on the park brake.

"Nothing," she sighed, shaking her head.

"You worried about Kathy?" he asked, squeezing her hand.

"No," she answered defensively. "Why should I be?"

"There's no reason," he replied

"That's right, there's no reason," she said.

"That's exactly right," he replied as he climbed out of the car.

"Then why the hell am I?" she whispered as he came round the car to her.

'I don't know," he whispered in reply. "Why are you?"

Any reasoning Olivia had was lost when the front door sprung opened and Lizzie came running across the yard to them.

"Hello," she squealed, giving them both big hugs and lots of kisses. "I'm so, so, so happy we're going on holiday."

"So we can see," Olivia replied, and that's when the truth dawned on her.

We.

Her real apprehension wasn't about Kathy at all; it was the plans for the weekend. She was about to go on a holiday, something she rarely did. And more so, it was a family holiday; complete with a significant other and children – something she had never experienced in her entire life.

Elliot caught the look of surprise on her face as it dawned on her.

"Hey, Lizzie," he said, gently tugging her away from Olivia. "How about you go get your bag and your brother and Liv will open the trunk?" Lizzie was gone in an instant. Elliot turned to Olivia. "What is it?" he asked, taking the keys and heading to the rear of the vehicle with her. She shook her head but the welling tears told their own story. "If you don't want to do this we don't have to," he offered, pulling her to him.

"No, no," she replied. "I want this… I really do."

"But?" he prompted, there was clearly something he was missing here.

"This is my first time…" she whispered as Lizzie reappeared on the front step.

"For what?" he asked, watching Olivia as she watched Lizzie.

"A family holiday," she all but cried. "Never had one before."

Smiling in relief, Elliot embraced her tightly. "Olivia, I am so glad your first one is with me."

"Enough of that, you two," Lizzie interrupted, causing them to break apart. "Mom's waiting to see you, dad."

Elliot took hold of Olivia's hand as they walked into the house, but she quietly slipped her hand from his grasp as they entered. While she was not at all ashamed or embarrassed by her relationship with Elliot, she didn't want Kathy to think she was rubbing it in her face. Glancing at her curiously, Elliot refrained from asking, knowing it definitely wasn't the place.

"Hi Kath," he said walking into the kitchen, allowing Olivia to move at her own pace.

"Hello, Elliot, Olivia," she replied, rather formally. Elliot cringed.

"Hey Kathy," Olivia said brightly. "How are you?"

"Good, thank you," she answered. "Now, they both have homework to finish, Lizzie will be fine but you'll have to check Dickie's."

"Yes, Kathy," Elliot replied dutifully.

"And they'll need to be home by seven on Sunday…" she continued.

"Yes, Kathy," he repeated.

"And despite what they say, they can't stay up all hours and live on nothing but sugar," she said, looking at Olivia.

"Oh, okay," Olivia said as Kathy headed up the stairs to see Dickie. "And I was thinking of a pure sugar diet for the next three days and an IV caffeine drip to keep them up all night," she hissed at Elliot.

Elliot just laughed before hugging her and kissing her head.

Stopping at a restaurant not far from their destination, they were seated in a cosy, brown leather booth. Elliot and Dickie sat at either end, with Olivia beside Elliot and Lizzie between her and Dickie. A range of food was ordered and when it arrived the table was full. Lizzie and Dickie ate heartily, Elliot didn't and Olivia spent most of the time trying to entice him into eating something, anything.

"Liv, seriously," he said quietly as the twins bantered about something. "I really couldn't."

"All you've had is a slice of pizza and half a piece of garlic bread," she reminded him.

"And all you've eaten is that rabbit food they're passing off as salad. Bet I've eaten more calories than you," he replied, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

"You have an answer for everything, don't you?" she sassed, leaning into him.

"Yep," he grinned.

"Can we get dessert?" Dickie asked as he grabbed the last of the pizza.

"Sure," replied Olivia. "What are you thinking of?"

"The chocolate mousse," he grinned. "They're huge."

"Sounds good," she replied with a smile. The more sugar the better – Kathy be damned. "What about you, Liz?"

"Banana Split," she replied, still chewing her pizza. "You?"

"Olivia will have…" Elliot began, answering for her. "The hot chocolate fudge sundae, with extra fudge."

"Oh yum," replied Lizzie. "Maybe I'll have that instead."

"What are you having, dad?" Dickie asked, sitting back in the seat.

"I don't think…" he began.

"He'll be having some of mine," Olivia interrupted, to save him from explanation. "There's no way I could eat it all on my own."

"Thanks, Liv," he whispered, kissing her head, not wanting the kids to know he wasn't really eating these days.

"You're welcome," she replied. "But just so you know, you will be having some … and I will be feeding you myself."

"In that case," he grinned. "Bring it on now."

Arriving at the house just after eight, Lizzie and Dickie went on a quick exploration before claiming their rooms. Elliot dropped his and Olivia's bags into the master bedroom before seeing if his twins had already managed to destroy their bedrooms, something they could do within minutes.

"This place is so cool," Lizzie said, spinning with delight. "We should do this more often."

"I think so too," Elliot replied, as his daughter crossed to him.

"I love you, dad," she said, hugging him tightly.

"Love you too, baby girl," he replied, kissing her head.

"Hey, Liz," Dickie called out before seeing her with Elliot. "Oh, sorry."

"It's okay, son, come in. You need something?" he asked as Lizzie pulled away.

"Just wanted to see if Liz had a TV too," he said, scanning the room.

"Yep," she grinned, pointing to the massive set mounted on the wall behind him.

"God, this is some house," he beamed. "We should come back, dad. Lots!"

Having figured out the heating, turning on the hot water service and stashing their supplies in the kitchen, Olivia made her way to Lizzie's room.

"Oh, so this is where we all are," she smiled, leaning on the door jamb.

"Yep," said Lizzie, throwing herself onto the queen sized canopy bed.

"Well, in case you were interested, through the dining room is a home entertainment centre with projector, reclining chairs, fully stocked fridge and I think every dvd ever made," she reported, jumping out of the way as the twins charged past.

"I think we are going to have a fight on our hands leaving here on Sunday," she smiled, as Elliot headed towards her.

"I think you're right."

By the time Elliot and Olivia arrived at the room, Lizzie and Dickie had a stack of dvds lined up by the projector and drinks in the arm rest holders.

"I think we'd have to be here a month to see them all," Olivia observed as she sat on the soft, black, leather, two-seater sofa.

"That reclines too, Liv," Dickie said eagerly, grabbing the lever on the side and pulling it, sending Olivia flying back into the seat rather quickly. "Sorry!"

"That's okay, Dickie," she laughed, readjusting herself. "Thanks for your help." He blushed with embarrassment.

Elliot sat beside her and reclined his seat as well while the twins started the projector and dimmed the lights.

"What are we watching?" he asked, as he wrapped his arms around Olivia.

"What did you want to watch?" Lizzie asked, scanning the shelf, realising they should let him have first choice.

"Whatever you want," he said, knowing he'd probably be asleep by the opening credits.

"Good!" she replied. "High School Musical 3!"

"Oh god, no!" whinged Dickie.

"Live with it," Lizzie retorted. "You get next pick and we can watch one of your favourite movies."

"Fine," he said, dropping into the arm chair and reclining it.

True to his thinking, Elliot was asleep before the dialogue actually began. When his head slid off Olivia's shoulder, she moved him so his head rested on a cushion in her lap.

"Dickie," she called quietly, not wanting to wake Elliot. "Can you go grab me a blanket from one of the beds, please?"

"Is dad alright, Liv?" asked Lizzie as they both turned to her.

"Yeah, he's sleeping," she whispered.

"But it's so early. I don't even think it's nine," remarked Dickie, heading to the door.

"I know. He's very tired these days. It's a part of the illness and part of the treatment," she explained quietly.

"Double whammy – that just sucks," Dickie grumbled as he departed.

"Liv," Liz said, climbing from her chair and coming over to her. "Dad is going to be okay, isn't he?"

"We have to believe that he will be," Olivia replied, trailing her fingers through his hair, more strands coming away.

"He's losing his hair, isn't he?" she asked, tears filling her eyes.

"Yeah, he is," she agreed. "But he's okay about it," Olivia reassured her. "He says his been losing it for years anyway."

"Who's losing what?" asked Dickie, opening the blanket and placing it over his father.

"Dad," Lizzie answered sadly. "He's losing his hair."

"Been losing it for years," he said, the laugh in his voice in contrast with the look in his eyes.

**Please don't forget to review!**

**And check out my new one, Death of a Child.**


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction. **

By the time the early spring sun had managed to make its way through the heavy bedroom drapes, it had already gone ten. Olivia stirred, appreciative of a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, something which had rarely happened since she started sharing a bed with Elliot. With her eyes half opened, she felt across the king size expanse but found nothing.

Slowly, she sat up and was surprised to find it was midmorning already.

"Liv, dad says if you want pancakes, you have to get up now," Lizzie said, flopping down on the bed.

"Pancakes?" she echoed.

"Yep! Dickie and I have had ours and he's waiting for you, and he even says he's hungry," she reported, with a yawn.

"Your dad's cooking breakfast?" she asked, as she threw back the covers.

"Well, it's only pancakes and they're not burning, so yeah, I guess it counts as cooking," she grinned, snuggling into the warm vacated bed.

Leaving Lizzie behind, Olivia padded out to the kitchen to find Elliot and Dickie sitting at the table reading an assortment of newspapers and leaflets.

"Good morning," she said, rubbing Dickie's hair as she passed.

"Morning, Liv," he replied, his eyes never moving from the page.

"Good morning to you too," she said, moving to Elliot and kissing him.

"Mmm, morning, Liv," he replied, getting up from his chair. "Now, you sit here and I'll get you breakfast."

"Can't I come and watch?" she pouted. In all their years together, she'd never seen him make breakfast, even at her place, she wasn't missing this.

"Okay," he consented, taking her hand. "But no touching anything."

"Not even you?" she questioned, tapping him on the butt.

"Well, I guess I can make me the exception," he replied, turning around to kiss her.

"Oh god, you guys," Dickie protested, getting up from the table. "I've just eaten."

"Don't think Dickie appreciates such displays," Olivia said, trailing him into the kitchen.

"Good thing I do," Elliot smiled, turning to kiss her once more.

Hoisting herself up on the counter, Olivia took the glass of orange juice Elliot offered, before leaning back on the cupboards.

"Is this going to be like Iron Chef?" she asked, watching as he heated the pan.

"'Fraid not, Liv," he replied. "Just simple pancakes."

"Well, simple pancakes will do me," she smiled as he poured the batter.

She watched the look of concentration on his face as he tilted the pan to even out the batter. She knew this was the best she'd seen him look and act since the night he'd turned up in the cab.

"You okay, Liv?" he asked, breaking her from her thoughts.

"Yeah," she smiled. "Just thinking."

"About?" he asked, flipping the golden brown pancake.

"You," she sighed breathlessly.

Quickly tipping out the perfect pancake, Elliot continued to make another one.

"Me?" he finally asked. "Good things I hope."

"Oh, very good," she sighed again, making him smile easily.

With plans made for a trip down to the small town nearby, Olivia stood, showered and dressed, in the bedroom, packing a few things for the hours away.

"We're only going out for a couple of hours," Elliot said, wrapping his arms around from behind her.

"I know," she replied, raising her hand to caress his face as he nuzzled into her neck.

"So, why have you got a blanket, pillow, half a pharmacy of meds?" he asked, prying open the bag.

"Just in case you … we… need them," she faltered in her response.

"Liv," he said, turning her around in his arms. "I think I can manage about four hours without needing a nap."

"I know," she acknowledged. "But you were up early this morning, or earlier than me, and you've been fairly busy. This is just in case you want to sleep on the way back."

He was going to fight her on it but couldn't. The look on her face said it all. She just wanted him to be comfortable and how could he argue that point?

"Okay," he conceded. "But take that other pillow, it's much softer."

"I will," she agreed, tossing the one she had back into place. "You get dressed and I'll round up the twins."

It took Olivia a few minutes to locate the twins. They were sitting at the table having a very quiet, intense conversation which stopped the minute they noticed Olivia.

"What's up?" she asked, coming over to the pair.

"Nothing!" they replied in unison.

"Ah, you do know I'm a detective, don't you?" she asked, pulling up a chair next to Dickie.

"There's nothing wrong, as such," said Lizzie, looking at her brother.

"Yeah, we were only talking about things," Dickie added, looking back at Lizzie.

"Things like?" Olivia prompted, looking from one to the other.

"Dad mainly," Dickie answered, finally glancing Olivia's way.

"What about your dad?" she asked, resting her hand on his arm.

"We just feel like there's something we should be doing for him," Lizzie answered. "I mean you look after him all the time and Mo did too, when you were still at work, and even mom and Kathleen have helped out when you were on that last case, but we haven't done anything."

"You being here is helping a lot," Olivia replied, reaching across for Lizzie's hand. "I haven't seen him so happy since all this began and that has so much to do with you two."

"Yeah?" Dickie asked.

"Yeah," she nodded. "You know your dad, he doesn't like people fussing around him and trying to take care of him. What he wants is to just hang out and relax with the people he loves."

"Oh, we can definitely do that," Dickie smiled. "You think we'll be able to come here again, Liv?" he asked.

"I'm sure Don can arrange it," she smiled. "So, is that all this is about?"

Dickie and Lizzie exchanged looks once more and Olivia knew there was more to come. Running her fingers through her long blonde locks which sat just below her shoulders, Lizzie looked at Olivia.

"I know dad likes my hair long," she started. "But I thought maybe I would cut all this off…" She grabbed her hair as a ponytail. "…And give it to Locks of Love, you know for people who have lost their hair to cancer or leukaemia…"

"I think that's a wonderful idea," Olivia beamed. "What if we both do it? We can grow our hair until summer and then chop it off."

"You'd do it too?" she asked wide-eyed.

"Of course," she smiled. "It's just hair."

Dickie sighed deeply. "Well, that's fine for you two," he began, getting up from the table. "But what do I do?" He ran his hands through his short hair.

"We'll think of something," Olivia reassured him as she stood up too.

"Okay, I'm ready," Elliot said coming into the room.

"'Bout time, dad," Lizzie chided. "We've been waiting forever."

The town was quaint with a tearoom at one end of the main street and an antique shop at the other end. In between, there were cafes, clothes shops, hairdressers, hobby and toy shop and other miscellaneous ones.

They started in front of the tearoom and ambled along, Lizzie wanting to investigate everything, and wanting Olivia to join her. Dickie wasn't at all interested and preferred hanging by his dad.

"Hey, Liv," Dickie said, as Lizzie went to drag her off once more. "How about you guys just go see what you want and dad and I will do the same? We can meet back at that café …" he said, pointing a few shops away. "In about an hour."

"Yeah, sounds good, doesn't it, Liv?" Lizzie enthused. "It means we can go all the way to the antique place."

"What do you know about antiques?" Elliot asked with a wink.

"Only that you're one," she replied, poking her tongue out.

"You okay with that plan, El?" Olivia asked, moving back to him.

"Sure," he smiled. "Go shop. Just don't expect me to carry it all."

"Okay then," she replied, kissing his cheek. "I've got my cell so…"

"I know, I know," he replied, turning her around and gently pushing her down the street. "Go!"

When the girls had disappeared into another shop, Elliot turned around to his son. "Now, did you have a plan in mind, son, or did you just want to get rid of them?" he asked with a grin.

"Had a plan… well, sort of…" he replied, taking his dad's arm and pulling him into a clothes store.

"This is your plan?" Elliot asked incredulously. Dickie hated shopping for clothes.

"Yep," he grinned, tugging Elliot across to an array of hats. "Choose one."

"What for?" he replied as Dickie picked up a few different ones before discarding them.

"Just pick… I'm paying… and I'll even let you have two," he said, trying on a black woollen cap.

It took all of five minutes for their shopping experience to be over. Both opted for woollen caps; Elliot went for one blue and one black, Dickie for red and black ones. After he paid, Dickie took the bag and followed his dad out the door.

"Where to next?" Elliot asked looking along the street.

"There!" Dickie said, pointing across the road to the hairdresser.

"What for?" he asked Dickie as they crossed the street.

"Well, dad," he said as they stood on the pavement outside the shop in question. "With this chemo, you're losing your hair, right?"

"Yeah, right," Elliot conceded dropping his head.

"So, I say if it's going to go, then it should go on your terms," he said, placing his hands on his father's shoulders.

"You mean shave it all off? Go completely bald?" he asked, surprised.

"Yep, show it who's boss!" Dickie grinned.

Elliot ran his fingers through the diminishing strands and thought about it.

"And I'll do it too," Dickie continued. "We'll look like twins."

"But you spend hours getting your hair right," Elliot chided. "You're worse than Liz at times."

"Dad, I want to do this," he said quietly. "It will be our thing. Solidarity!"

Elliot's eyes teared up as he looked at his son's eager face. "Your mother will freak," he finally said, trying to swallow the lump in his throat.

"Even more of a reason to do it," Dickie laughed.

When Olivia and Lizzie returned to the café, Elliot and Dickie were already there, sitting opposite each other, both wearing their identical black hats.

"Oh, cute," giggled Lizzie, dumping her shopping bags on the floor beside the table.

"Like father, like son," added Olivia, sitting down next to Elliot.

"Definitely is," replied Elliot who grinned at Dickie. "One, two, three…" he said and they pulled off their hats in unison.

"Oh…my…god!" Lizzie whispered as their shiny heads reflected the lighting. Olivia didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"What do you think?" Elliot asked, turning to face her.

"I think it's bald," she said, running her hand over the top of his head.

"Is that a good thing?" he asked, trying to get a read on her thinking.

"Sure," she replied slowly, looking over at Dickie.

"Mom's so going to kill you," Lizzie said, rubbing her brother's head.

"Yeah, bonus," he grinned. "Just figured this was something I could do – you know, like father, like son, cool, hey?"

"Yeah, very cool," Olivia replied, walking around the table, to kiss Dickie's head. "Thank you," she whispered.

"What about me?" Elliot asked, as she walked by him once more. She smiled and kissed his head.

"I think it's beautiful," she replied, kissing his cheek. "I think you're beautiful," she added in a whisper, brushing her lips across his.

"Now you look like Don Cragen," Lizzie chirped, grabbing the menu.

"Aw, don't say that, Liz," Elliot pouted. "I'd like to think I look a bit better."

"Yeah, you do, dad. You're bald and old, he's bald and really, really old," she laughed.

"What do you think, Liv?" he asked, taking her hand.

"I think you're much better looking than Cragen," she replied, smirking.

"Still love me?" he asked in a whisper as the twins turned their attention to their stomachs.

"More than ever, El" she replied, kissing him. "More than ever."

Using the pillow and blanket Olivia had tucked in the car, Elliot nestled himself into the backseat for their return to the house. The trip would only take forty minutes but by the end of their late lunch he could hardly keep his eyes open.

Lizzie sat in the back with him after Dickie had called the front seat. Ten minutes into the trip, Olivia looked in the rear view mirror to find them both asleep; Lizzie having moved to the middle seat so she could snuggle into her father, the blanket now covering them both.

"That was a really nice thing you did today, Dickie," she said softly as she negotiated the country roads. "Thank you."

"I just figured he'd feel better about himself," Dickie replied in hushed tones. "I've seen the way he's looked at himself in the mirror lately, pulling at his hair. He pretended to be cool about it but I know he wasn't."

"Why didn't you just suggest he do it?" she asked, knowing Dickie's hair was his pride.

"Because I wanted to do this with him … figured people wouldn't treat him differently if we looked the same, they'd just think it was a fashion statement or a family tradition or something," he explained, glancing back at his father, tears gleaming in his eyes.

"Well, I think it's a beautiful thing," Olivia replied, a few tears trailing down her cheeks.

"As you said this morning, Liv, it's just hair. I just wanted him to know that I love him," he whispered hoarsely.

"Oh, he already knows that, baby," she replied, reaching across and squeezing his hand. "And he loves you too."

**Please don't forget to review!**

**And check out my new one, Death of a Child.**


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction. **

Leaving the twins in the entertainment room as they headed to bed, Elliot had one message for them. "I don't care what time you go to bed but if your mother asks it was midnight, right?"

"Right!" they agreed happily.

"And keep the volume down," Olivia added as she kissed them both goodnight.

"That was very motherly of you," Elliot said as they walked hand in hand to their room.

"What was?" she asked, stopping in the hallway.

"Kissing them goodnight like that," he explained, wrapping her in his arms.

"Was it the wrong thing?" she asked alarmed. It had just seemed so natural, and they had kissed her the night before.

"No, no, the right thing," he reassured her. "It looked so right – you with them."

"Oh, okay," she nodded, relieved.

"You enjoying your first family holiday?" he asked, as he pressed her up against the wall.

"Very much so," she grinned as he kissed her.

"Let's see if we can improve it," he said, walking her backwards into the room.

"It's a shame we can't do anything," she said, kissing him.

"Yeah, I know… but imagine if we could," he whispered, closing the door behind him.

While Elliot dropped off quickly, Olivia lay there for a while contemplating life and listening to the sounds coming from the house and from Elliot beside her. Not long after she had drifted off, she was woken by Elliot's tossing and turning, and then she was woken by his mumbled chatter, then, about three, by another bout of night sweats.

With the bed remade while he took a shower, Olivia headed to the laundry with the linen. On the way back she stopped and checked on the twins. Both were bleary eyed but trying to get through their self-designed movie marathon.

"You two going to even think about bed?" she asked from the doorway.

"Nah," Dickie yawned. "We'll just sleep here."

"Why are you up?" Lizzie asked. "Is it too loud?"

"No, your dad had night sweats, had to change the bed," she yawned.

"Is he okay?" Dickie asked, turning from the screen.

"Yeah, it happens. He's taking a shower to cool down now," she yawned again.

Stumbling from the chair, Lizzie padded over to her.

"Livvy, do you actually get any sleep?" she asked, wrapping her arms around her.

"Some," she replied, hugging her back.

"You could go sleep in my bed," she suggested. "I'll go sleep on the sofa in your room and be there if dad needs anything."

"Thank you, honey," she smiled, kissing her head. "But it's okay; you just watch your movies."

"Liv?" Elliot called from the bedroom.

"Okay, I'm going," Olivia said, kissing Lizzie's head once more. "Try and get some sleep before dawn breaks."

By the time she returned to the bedroom, Elliot was already in bed, dressed only in boxers, with just a sheet covering him.

"Still hot?" she asked, climbing into bed.

"Just a bit," he sighed, running his hand across his face.

"Anything I can do?" she asked, caressing his face.

"Nah, it will settle soon," he yawned.

"I'll turn down the heating," she said, padding to the wall control and turning the dial. She kept her robe on and climbed into the bed once more, just pulling up the sheet.

"You're going to be cold, Liv," he said, leaning down and kissing her head.

"I'll be fine," she smiled. "Besides once this sweat passes I expect you to curl up with me and keep me warm."

"Deal!"

At sometime after dawn, after been woken again by Elliot's turning, Olivia got up and pulled on her sweats, deciding a jog in the clear country air would do her the world of good. She checked on the twins who had finally crawled into their beds at god only knows what time and left a note for them on the kitchen bench. Grabbing the keys on her way out the door, Olivia pocketed them; not trusting anyone named Stabler would be awake enough to let her in upon her return.

Taking the path behind the house, Olivia jogged along the dirt track which surrounded the lake, watching the birds at play in the grasses. As well as the crisp morning air, Olivia felt surrounded by a sense of serenity and an unfamiliar peacefulness from within. Not having her watch, she ran to her own inner clock before turning back for home.

Arriving back, feeling more refreshed than she had in a long time, she let herself into the still silent house and headed to the bedroom to check on Elliot. He was still asleep and he was still restless. Heading to the bathroom, Olivia allowed herself the luxury of a long soak in the double spa bath.

Time flew by as she relaxed into the pulsing waters of the tub, each jet seemingly positioned to massage away all her cares. Grabbing her book, she opened to her bookmark and read; enjoying the precious luxury of time for herself she so rarely had, especially these days.

When the water cooled, she pulled the plug and climbed out, drying herself before lathering her body in a jasmine infused lotion. Dressing casually, she tidied up the bathroom before moving back into the bedroom. Glancing at the clock she realised it was past noon.

Propping herself on Elliot's side of the bed, she caressed his head and waited for him to drift back to awareness.

"Hello, baby," she whispered, as his eyes fluttered to hers.

"Hey," he croaked, his throat dry and scratchy.

"Here," she said, unscrewing the top and passing him a bottle of water.

"Thanks," he nodded, swallowing down a mouthful.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, caressing his face.

"Like crap," he groaned, trying to stretch.

"You want me to get you something?" she asked, as he took hold of her hand.

"Maybe some Tylenol…" he began, struggling to sit up.

"Only if you eat something first," she said, standing up. "I'll go make you some toast."

"Not hungry, Liv," he said, pulling her back to him.

"I know, baby," she said gently. "But it's at least seventeen hours since you've eaten anything, so humour me, okay?"

"Okay," he smiled. "I'll come with you."

Sitting at the kitchen bench while Olivia made him tea and toast, Elliot scanned the rooms within eyesight.

"Where are the dynamic duo?" he asked, with a yawn.

"Still asleep," she replied, placing the mug of tea in front of him.

"What time did they crash?" he asked, stifling another yawn.

"No idea," she replied. "They were still up at three and asleep at eight."

"How do you know?" he asked drinking his tea as she buttered his toast.

"Well, I was changing sheets at three and went out for a run at eight," she replied. "Jelly or honey?"

"Jelly," he replied. "Do you get any sleep when I'm around?" he asked, taking her hand.

"As much as I need," she replied, kissing his nose. "Now, eat!"

Settled on the sofa watching Elliot's choice, the first of the Die Hard movies, Olivia snuggled closer to him and rested her head on his chest. Knowing she'd argue she wasn't tired if he suggested she go to bed, he wrapped his arm around her and gently caressed her head.

"You trying to send me to sleep?" she mumbled, relaxing under his tender touch.

"Nope," he smirked, his eyes still fixed on the screen.

"Sure," she sighed, her eyes fluttering closed.

It was the last thing she uttered before sleep claimed her.

Somewhere around four, Olivia stirred surprised to see Elliot watching Die Hard's second instalment.

"How'd you change it?" she mumbled, stretching.

"The dvd fairy," he replied, leaning down to kiss her head.

"Hey, don't call me that!" protested Dickie coming back into the room with a coffee for his father. "You want one, Liv?"

"That'd be great," Olivia smiled, still getting used to his new look. "Thanks!"

"He's a coffee fairy too," Elliot grinned.

"Hey!" Dickie called from the hallway. "I heard that!"

Stretching and yawning once more, Olivia struggled to climb off the sofa.

"Where are you going?" Elliot asked, tugging her arm.

"Just to the bathroom," she replied. "Won't be long."

Coming back along the hallway, Lizzie bumped into Olivia, literally. Still with her eyes mostly closed and stumbling from sleep, Lizzie wasn't aware of anything else but the smell of coffee drifting through the air.

"You actually awake there, Liz?" she asked, steadying her.

"Mmm, yeah, Liv," she said, moving into Olivia's arms. "Morning."

"Afternoon, actually – midafternoon," Olivia corrected, kissing her head.

"Really?" she asked, tilting her head up to see Olivia.

"Yeah, really," she confirmed. "What time did you go to bed?"

"Five…I think…" she yawned.

"Well, you've had plenty of sleep then," she smiled, walking down the hallway with her arm around Lizzie.

"Well, more than you," Lizzie sighed. "Don't know how you do it."

"I do it just fine," Olivia said, letting her go at the entertainment room. "My coffee's in here – you'll have to go to the kitchen for yours."

Later that afternoon, Olivia stood in the kitchen contemplating dinner. Knowing no one had eaten properly all day, she knew she should organise something more substantial than the junk food currently sitting on the bench.

"Anything I can help you with?" Elliot asked after watching her deep in thought.

"Not really," she smiled, leaning on the bench.

"You sure?" he asked, moving in front of her and holding her. "I can be very helpful."

"Well, in this case, I already know your answer," she smiled, leaning up to kiss him.

"Oh, you do? Taken up mind reading?" he sassed, grinning against her mouth.

"Well, I'm trying to figure out dinner and I know if I ask you, you'll say 'I'm not hungry' right?" she asked, pulling back.

"Well, actually…" he began slowly.

"You are hungry?" she asked surprised.

"Not exactly… I'm not really feeling hungry but I feel like Chinese," he said. "Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, sort of," she said, she was used to getting non-hungry cravings for things, especially when she had her period. "You know the nearest place is two towns away and I can guarantee they won't deliver."

"That's okay, we don't have to have Chinese," he replied.

"No, if it's Chinese you want then it's Chinese you'll get," she smiled, kissing him. "Round up the kids and we'll go."

Sitting in Fong Chung, the only Chinese restaurant within about 200 miles, Elliot scanned the place, through force of habit. There were three couples scattered about and a family with three young children across the other side.

Having decided to go for the banquet for four when Elliot couldn't decide what he actually wanted, Olivia sat back and watched him as he watched everything else. His focus shifted from time to time but mainly settled on the twins, who were chatting about some friends of theirs from school.

"School!" she said, when the thought hit her. "You two haven't done any homework yet."

"Oh, Liv, you're as bad as mom for remembering that stuff," Dickie protested.

"Well, given your mother is already going to kill us because of your hair, and your late nights, and the sugar running through your veins, I don't think we need to add homework to it," Olivia explained quietly.

"Well, if she's already going to kill us then what's one more thing?" he asked hoping to get Olivia onside, his dad's attention somewhere else altogether.

"School's important," Olivia said. "So tonight, in bed by nine, we'll do your homework in the morning before we leave. Okay?" she said, looking between them.

"Bed at eleven and homework in the morning," Lizzie countered. "We still want to see …"

"Bed at ten and no arguments," Olivia conceded. The teens looked at each other before nodding their agreement. Olivia turned around to Elliot.

"That okay with you?" she asked, squeezing his hand.

"Sure, whatever you think," he nodded having no idea as to the topic at hand.

Smiling, Olivia squeezed his hand once more, she knew he wasn't aware of what was going on but, the fact that he trusted her regardless filled her with a gentle warmth.

"What?" he whispered, taking in the way she was looking at him.

"Love you," she whispered, leaning in to kiss him.

"Love you too," he smiled.

"Ohhh, and I love you too," Dickie said in sickeningly sweet voice, leaning into his sister.

"And I love you too," she replied in equally exaggerated tones.

"That's enough from you too," Elliot laughed, "Or you can walk home."

"You wouldn't make us walk, would you, Liv?" Lizzie asked, fluttering her eyelashes.

"In a heartbeat," she grinned, supporting Elliot's statement.

"Oh god, you're just like him," Dickie announced, slumping into his chair.

"Yeah, I know," Olivia replied, a huge smile in place as she hugged Elliot tightly.

Dinner was a happy, chatty affair and Elliot surprised them all by eating more than he had in a long time. Olivia hoped it would also mean he'd sleep through the night too. Something which she knew he needed as much as she did.

On the journey home, Olivia made Elliot sit in the front with her and kept the music up louder and the heat down low. Chatting continuously, she asked him a range of questions and insisted on answers despite his yawns and declarations of fatigue, but Olivia wouldn't relent. If he stayed awake for the journey home there would be a better chance of a good night's sleep.

"You keeping me awake for a reason?" he asked, just a few miles from home.

"Yep," she smiled, as she turned a corner.

"And what would that be?" he asked, shifting in his seat to watch her.

"So you can go to bed as soon as we get back and sleep," she replied, as he reached over and rested his hand on her thigh.

"But it's not even eight," he replied, glancing at the clock.

"I know," she nodded, turning another corner.

"You know, I am allowed to stay up late," he whispered. "Even later than them," he added, nodding back to his dozing children.

"Well, they're going to bed at ten …" she began.

"How do you know?" he asked, knowing his twins had protested bedtimes since the day they could talk.

"That's what we were arranging just before dinner, bed at ten, homework in the morning before we leave," she informed him.

"Shit, I forgot about their homework," he grumbled, looking back at them.

"Well, I didn't," Olivia smiled, squeezing his hand.

"What would I do without you, Liv?" he asked, gazing lovingly at her.

"You're never gonna have to find out, baby."

Making her way to the bedroom, Olivia knew three things.

One, Elliot was seriously tired and desperate for sleep. Two, he was happy enough to trust the twins to go to bed at ten, but wanted Olivia to go to bed with him now. And, three, if she did, she'd be wide awake at three.

So she decided to try and push back their bedtime a little more.

"Tell you what," she began, as Elliot stripped down to his boxers. "Why don't we go have a spa? It's a huge tub, incredibly relaxing and just beautiful."

"Sounds nice, Liv," he yawned. "But I'm ready to crash right now. You go."

Olivia smiled briefly before pouting. "Okay, I will … just so you know, though …" she began as she watched him pull back the covers. "I'll be very lonely in there – very lonely and very naked."

It was of no surprise to her that Elliot stepped into the tub only moments after she did. "Change your mind?" she winked.

"Well, I couldn't leave you in here all lonely now, could I?" he asked, settling into the tub opposite her.

"And me being naked had nothing to do with it?" she grinned.

"Oh, only a little bit," he nodded, taking in the bubbling water just above her breasts.

"Sure, just like you're a little bald now," she smirked.

"Truthfully, Liv," he started. "What do you really think?" She could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

"I think…" she began, kneeling up before leaning on him, resting her hand on his scalp. "I think, it's incredible sexy."

"You're not just saying that, are you?" he asked, still unconvinced.

"No, I'm not," she replied, trying to squeeze in next to him. "But I think the most important thing is what you think…what do you think?"

Sighing deeply, he bent down and kissed her head.

"Well, it works for Bruce Willis, so I guess if he can pull it off, so can I," he replied seriously.

'I do think you are much more handsome than Bruce," Olivia whispered, kissing his chest.

"Yeah?" he questioned with a yawn.

"Yeah," she nodded moving back to her end of the tub and turning up the jets. "Now, handsome, bald man of mine, you can massage my feet." She swung her legs around so they were now resting on his chest and smiled blissfully as his fingers went to work.

Fifteen minutes later, deciding her feet had had enough of his undivided attention, Elliot kissed them both before lowering them into the water.

"All done?" Olivia murmured, stirring from her contented dreaming.

Yep," he grinned, proud of his efforts.

"Well," she said, stretching. "One good turn deserves another… you have something that I can rub for you?" Elliot chuckled. "What?" she asked opening her eyes, before realising the question she'd asked. Elliot raised an eyebrow. "That's not what I meant," she smirked.

"Nah, I'm good," he replied, moving in the bath so he could come up to her. "But you're not yet."

"Huh?" she asked, gazing into the blue eyes above her. "I'm very good."

Slipping his hand beneath the water, and between her legs, he grinned as Olivia gasped in surprise, her body tensing.

"See, you're not as relaxed as you should be," he growled into her ear.

"That's because you…" her words were lost as his fingers went to work.

"Because I what?" he asked, his lips sucking at her collarbone.

"God, you're going to drive me crazy," she hissed, as she writhed beneath him.

"That's my intention," he replied, continuing with his ministrations.

"There are kids in the house," she whimpered, trying not to respond to his efforts.

"They won't hear," he soothed, making his way back to her lips.

Running her hands around his neck and holding him in place, she kissed him slowly.

"You know," she mumbled around his lips. "As much as I'd like to, we can't do anything …"

"I can't …" he corrected. "No reason why you shouldn't."

"But if you can't," she replied, "then I shouldn't – we're in this together."

His fingers worked in a flurry then stopped abruptly. "You telling me you want me to stop?" he asked, as her eyes opened in protest.

"Oh god, no," she whimpered.

**Please don't forget to review!**

**And check out my new one, Death of a Child.**


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction. **

**_I'm home sick this week so lots of reviews may inspire me to write / update some more... or I may just sleep it away..._**

When Elliot finally opened his eyes he wasn't surprised to see the time had already gone nine. He seemed to sleep endlessly these days and never really feel any more refreshed. What did surprise him, however, was the fact that Olivia was still asleep beside him.

Trying to calculate, he knew they were in bed before ten and he knew he would have fallen asleep instantly. He couldn't remember waking during the night, although he often didn't, relying on Olivia telling him the next day. Grinning, he figured out the way Olivia could tell him without having to wake her.

Carefully, he lifted up the bedcovers. He knew they had gone to bed naked, enjoying the rare occasion of skin on skin contact. He also knew, that had she gotten up at any stage, she would have put something on, a testament to her earlier argument that there were kids in the house so they should be clothed. It was an argument he had won, at the time, by throwing her onto the bed and kissing her until she gave in.

Smiling appreciatively as he saw her soft, bare skin, he lowered the covers and slid his legs from the bed. Olivia stirred but didn't wake and Elliot was glad; he couldn't remember the last time she'd had uninterrupted sleep. Pulling on some boxers and his robe, Elliot made his way down to the kitchen, stopping at the end of the hallway when he heard the twins.

Shaking his head in surprise, he watched as Dickie and Lizzie pawed over the text books and note pads in front of them.

"I just don't get it, Liz," Dickie grumbled, dropping his pencil in frustration.

"What don't you get?" she asked, tugging at his book.

"The whole thing…" he growled. "Why do we need to learn advanced algebraic equations?"

"Because we do," she replied. "It's pretty easy, you know?"

"Yeah for you," he said. "I think it's a load of crap."

Elliot couldn't get over the fact they were doing homework voluntarily, on a Sunday morning no less.

"Well, I have trouble too," Lizzie said. "This book report isn't happening. I mean the book was so boring and …"

"It wasn't too bad," Dickie interrupted. "I thought the ending sucked a bit but the rest of it was okay."

"Make you a deal…" Lizzie offered. "I'll do your algebra if you do my book report. Okay?"

Dickie considered it for all of three seconds before tossing his book across the table. "Deal!"

Elliot was going to intervene but Lizzie spoke again and he stalled.

"Dickie," she began lowering her voice. "We could ditch the homework altogether. Just tell them it's done."

"What?" he asked his head shooting up. "You get me up at half eight to do homework and then you don't want to do it. I could have slept in."

"Well, no one's up, we could go back to bed," she whispered.

"No, we're doing our homework, didn't you hear Liv last night," Dickie said, turning his page.

"Yeah, I did but…" Lizzie continued as Elliot tried to remember what Olivia had said in relation to homework – he couldn't.

"Liz, Liv's not mom, we can't just ignore her … besides don't you think she's got enough to be worrying about with dad," Dickie whispered.

"Yeah, I do … do think dad's going to be okay?" she replied. "I know Liv says he will be and we have to stay positive but you heard him Thursday night…" Again Elliot tried to recall the conversation in question, but couldn't.

"I don't know, but, god, I hope so," Dickie said, his eyes filling with tears, Elliot could hear them in his voice.

"I don't want him to die," Lizzie cried, "I … I…"

Reaching across the table, Dickie took his twin's hand.

"Look, Liz, when dad and I were waiting for you guys at the café, I asked him about it, and he promised me he was going to fight this," he said. "And I guess we just have to fight it with him."

"What do you mean?" How can we fight it?" Lizzie asked, using her pyjama sleeve to wipe her face.

"Help out a bit more… do things when we're asked, don't argue as much…that sort of stuff … you know, so he doesn't get stressed out," he explained.

"Yeah, we can do that," she nodded with a sniffle.

"And maybe running interference too…" he said as he dropped his voice lower still.

"Between who?" Lizzie asked wide eyed.

"Mom and dad…"

Anything further was lost to Elliot as Olivia surprised him with a hug.

"What are you doing here?" she asked as he pressed his finger to her lips. "What? Why are you crying?" He tilted his head towards the kitchen and Olivia could hear the twins. "You spying?" He nodded and tugged her into his arms, needing to hear the rest of the conversation. Wiping away his tears, Olivia settled in his arms and listened too.

"You know how mom has been going on and on about Liv lately," Dickie sighed, grabbing his orange juice.

"It's not just now, even when they were still married she'd whine about her," Lizzie agreed.

"Yeah, but did you hear her on the night dad rang to organise this trip? 'Your father shouldn't be going on any trip.' 'Why is she letting him go on holidays in this weather?' 'As a nurse you think I'd be best suited to care for him…' Yadda yadda yadda," he grumbled.

"I know… can't she see he's much better off with Livvy … dad loves her so much and she loves him too… that's gotta be better for him than being in the house with us," Lizzie added.

"That's right, look how much better dad looked last night – sick, bald and all, he still looked happier than I've ever seen him in forever," he said.

"And that's more to do with Liv than any medication – you've seen the way he looks at her…" she whispered.

Elliot's eyes locked with Olivia's as his hands cupped her face.

"They're right," he whispered. "You are by the far the best thing for me, and the only thing I need."  
"And you're the only thing I need, baby," she whispered in reply.

"Maybe they'll get married and come here for their honeymoon. I'd love to come back here," Lizzie sighed, regaining their attention.

"Ha, Liz, if they were coming back for their honeymoon, you definitely wouldn't be invited," he laughed. "They'd have _other _things to do."

"Well, I guess …do you think they'll get married? I think they should and soon," Lizzie continued.

"I hope they do, too, Liv's really cool, but I don't think it will be soon?" he said in a hushed tone.

"Why not?" Lizzie asked, leaning towards him.

"Just something dad said in the café about making decisions … said he really didn't want to make promises he couldn't _live_ up to. You know?"

"Yeah, he wouldn't want to marry her and make her a widow," Lizzie said, the tears falling once more.

Quietly, Elliot dragged Olivia back along the hallway and into their bedroom when he saw the tears on her face too.

"Is that why?" Olivia whispered hoarsely, not bothering to hide her tears.

"Yeah, it is," Elliot nodded. "I love you so much, Olivia, and things being different I'd marry you today … hell, I should have married you years ago …"

"I would have said yes, you know, if you'd have asked," she replied holding tight to him.

"I know," he answered kissing her head.

"And I know you want to be well before you make any permanent decisions … but just to remind you, the vows are for better, for worse, in _sickness _and in health…" she told him.

"I know, believe me, I know," he grated as his hands found her face. "When I was going in for surgery, I told you to remember the 'I do' and I meant it, Livia. I will marry you and we will get our baby and happily ever after. I promise you."

xxeoxx

Thirty minutes from the Stabler house in Queen's, Elliot's cell rang and Olivia reached across and slipped her hand into his pocket to retrieve it. Glancing in the rear view mirror, she realised the twins were asleep too, she couldn't help but smile. The smile lasted until she saw the caller ID, it was Kathy.

"Hi Kathy," she said, catching the phone between her ear and shoulder as she turned the corner.

"Hello Olivia," Kathy replied. "Isn't that Elliot's phone?"

"Yes, it is," Olivia answered. "But he's asleep at the moment and I didn't want it to wake him."

"Was the holiday _too _much for him?" she asked and Olivia gripped the wheel tighter.

"No, he had a great time, but you know how fatigue gets you – he'd be asleep even if _we _were at home," she replied, trying to keep her voice down.

Olivia took a breath, she knew she shouldn't let Kathy get her worked up, but she couldn't help it.

"Was there something you needed El for?" she continued.

"I wanted to see what time the twins would be back and…" she began.

"Well, Elliot told you we'd be there by six when he called you earlier and it's now nearly 5:30, and we're half an hour away …" she interrupted. "So, we'll be right on time," she added, smiling to herself.

"Oh," Kathy replied in a tone Olivia could only describe as disappointed.

"Is that a problem?" Olivia asked, glancing at her passengers.

"Well, I'm still at my cousin's, I had car problems…I won't be home til at least nine," she replied, more than annoyed it was Olivia she had to tell.

Olivia said nothing, waiting for Kathy to get to the point.

"So … I was hoping Elliot could sort out dinner for the kids …" she finally said.

"Yes, I can do that …" Olivia said; she knew she'd be doing it anyway.

"And, um… no, that's all…" Kathy said, changing her mind.

"What else was there, Kathy?" she questioned with a sigh.

"I was hoping that … well, I know the kids are able to stay there by themselves but … I thought that maybe Elliot could … or rather you could both… stay with them til I get back … just in case I'm much later than I expect to be," she explained with a nervous stutter.

"Sure, Kathy, we can do that," she said, pulling the car into a parking bay on the side of the road.

"Thank you, Olivia," Kathy said as she rang off.

A while later, Elliot stretched and yawned in the seat beside her, smiling when he saw her watching him.

"We home?" he grinned.

"Not yet, baby," she smiled. "Thought we might do dinner first," she said, pointing across the road to his favourite restaurant.

"Shouldn't we be getting them home?" he asked, nodding towards the back seat.

"Nah, Kathy just rang, she's running late. We'll have them til about nine … she asked if we could organise dinner for them and stay til she got in," Olivia recapped.

"Oh, okay," he nodded, looking at his watch. "It's a bit early though, isn't it – for dinner…"

"Thought we could sit here for a while until they wake up," Olivia said, moving towards him. "Rather than taking them home and coming back out."

"Sounds like a plan," Elliot grinned, wrapping his arm around her and drawing her close.

"You warm enough?" she asked, running her hand around his chest.

"Am now," he sighed, kissing her head.

Nestled in the warmth of his arms and the silence of the car, Olivia let herself drift away until she registered Elliot talking to her.

"Huh?" she asked, turning to look at him.

"Thursday night – Lizzie said something this morning about something I'd said Thursday night … something about you telling them I'd be alright and they had to think positive…" he began in a whisper.

"That's right," Olivia nodded.

"But apparently I'd said something different … that it wasn't going to be alright – or at least that's the impression I got," he whispered.

Olivia pulled back further and studied him for a moment or two; she couldn't recall him having said anything negative to them, not just on Thursday but in the whole time since this thing started. Sure, he'd been negative at times but that was only ever when there was the two of them, and usually only in the dark hours of the night – then it registered.

"What was it, Liv?" he whispered, checking the kids were still asleep.

"You had some bad dreams Thursday night … you kept saying you couldn't fight it and that you didn't want me to let you go… they must have heard, sorry," she whispered, caressing his face.

"Why didn't you tell me what I said – you always say it's a bad dream but not what you've heard?" he growled, pulling her closer to him as tears filled his eyes.

"Because…" she whispered, holding onto him. "You are going to make it and I have no intention of ever letting you go…"

"Promise me?" he muttered, kissing her head.

"You promise me," Olivia countered. "Tell me you're never going to give up."

"I'm never going to give up, Livia … never," he replied, his eyes locked with hers.

"I'm glad to hear it," she sighed, slumping against him.

"Me too," said Dickie, leaning across from the backseat.

"Me three," chimed Lizzie, leaning across her brother.

By the time Kathy had arrived it was after ten, Lizzie and Dickie were sound asleep in bed and Olivia and Elliot were curled up on the sofa watching TV.

"I'm sorry I was so long, Jeff couldn't get the car started, so we waited for Bill and then there was an accident on the way home and traffic was backed right up – sorry!" she apologised, dropping her purse and jacket onto the chair.

Looking up at Elliot and Olivia, who were now standing, she took in his new hairstyle, or rather, absence of hair.

"Went a bit short," he commented, running his hand across his head.

"Ah, yeah," she nodded. "But it looks good."

"I think so too," Olivia agreed, reassuringly squeezing his hand.

"You really like it?" Elliot asked Kathy, knowing he needed to prepare her for his next bit of news.

"Wouldn't choose it for myself but …" she trailed.

"Well, you know the saying 'like father, like son'," he began and watched as his meaning dawned on her.

"He didn't, did he?" Kathy asked, eyes widening.

"Yep," Elliot nodded. "It was his idea … he even bought me the hat to wear," he added grabbing the item from his pocket.

Kathy nodded slowly, accepting the idea that her son was now bald. Elliot looked at Olivia surprised, he was sure she was going to go ballistic.

"Um… Lizzie's not … she didn't…" Kathy began.

"No, she didn't," Elliot chuckled. "It was a guy thing…"

"Okay … well, okay," she replied, moving to the door, the cue for Elliot and Olivia to leave.

Back in the car and reversing out the driveway, Olivia started to laugh. At first it was just a chuckle but before they reached the end of the street it was a full on belly laugh and she had to pull over.

"What's so funny, Liv?" Elliot asked, laughing with her but not knowing why.

"Kathy's face … did you see it?" she laughed. "Thought she was going to freak when you said 'like father, like son'…"

"Me too," chuckled Elliot, taking hold of her hand.

"And…and…I know she says she's okay now … about Dickie … but oh, god, to see her face when she sees him in the morning would be priceless," she continued, gasping with laughter.

"She's probably gone up to look now," Elliot acknowledged. "So she can prepare herself for the morning."

"I think that's the perfect end to this little family holiday," she grinned.

"The first of many, baby," he reassured her. "I feel so much better than I have in months."

"You look it too," she replied, squeezing his hand.

"You sure that's just not my sexy haircut?" he sassed, kissing her hand.

And Olivia burst out laughing again.

**Please don't forget to review!**

**And check out my new one, Death of a Child.**


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction. **

**_I'm still at home sick this week ... thanks for all the best wishes. If you want to google it, I've got Labryinthitus._**

Treatment 3

Monday dawned and although Elliot wasn't looking forward to 'Round 3' he felt at peace with the whole thing – something which hadn't been there for the earlier cycles. And although he knew it had a lot to do with the days away; the change of scenery and time with the kids had done wonders for his spirit, the fact Olivia had been there, and was here now, was the essence of his newfound peace.

As Olivia turned in his arms, he smiled broadly; she'd featured prominently in his dreams last night. Seeing her cuddled into him, he had to remind himself that this was the reality – him and her, it was actually true now. Not just something he had to bury within him and ignore; something he had become an expert in during the last years of his marriage and the time since his divorce.

Involuntarily, his thoughts turned to Kathy, it was so hard for him not to make comparisons … but, if he was being honest with himself, he'd been making those comparisons for the last decade. Some days, during their working partnership, he would wonder why Kathy couldn't be more like Olivia, and be more interested in him and his welfare, especially after a tough case. Other days he'd wonder why Olivia couldn't be more like Kathy and just give him the space he needed to sort things out himself – in the end, he had resolved that he was probably a lucky SOB to have them both. That was on the days he didn't want to scream at both of them… something which happened more and more frequently during the end of his marriage as his frustration at the whole situation ate at him.

As he watched Olivia, he realised that since the Wednesday night he'd turned up here and she'd gotten him out of the cab, everything had been about him. He knew she'd been having her own issues in the preceding months and even during their closer phase just prior to his illness, she had been dealing with things he hadn't been privy too.

Pressing his lips against her forehead he marvelled at the way she had put everything of hers aside just to care for him. She'd given him a home, taken leave from work, nursed him through the bad times, made sure his children were a part of it, given him space when he needed it and just held him tightly when he had no idea what he needed. Vowing to himself he would make this up to her, he kissed her once more.

"Mmm," she mumbled, stretching in his arms. When her eyes finally opened, she looked up at him. "You been watching me sleep?" she asked, snuggling further into him.

"Yeah," he admitted, kissing her nose.

"Was I doing it right?" she asked, rubbing his chest.

"Pretty much," he smiled. "Except for the drooling," he added, caressing her face.

"Ass," she laughed, playfully thumping his chest.

Before Elliot could reply the phone rang and Olivia answered it, stifling a yawn. It was a brief call but when she hung up, their plans for the morning have changed.

"That was Connie," she started, sitting up. "She's had a change of plans and will be here in thirty minutes for your treatment." Elliot sighed; he'd prefer a few more hours snuggled up with Olivia. "So, I guess you should go have a shower."

"Only if you'll join me," he answered as she climbed out of bed.

"And why would I do that?" she asked, making her way around to him and pulling back the covers.

"Well, I might need your help washing my hair," he laughed, getting up and taking her hand.

"Is that so?" she replied, allowing him to lead her into the bathroom.

"Yeah," he answered, tugging off his beater. "You know I can't remember whether it's lather, rinse, repeat or …" He chuckled running his hand over his hairless scalp.

Olivia laughed before running her hands across his head. "I guess I could help out …" she grinned, stripping off. "Could just imagine you're Cragen," she chuckled, stepping into the shower.

"What?!" he choked, tugging her back from the water spray. "You've imagined you and Cragen… oh god, that's … that's … just gross!" It only made Olivia laugh harder.

"Oh yeah," she continued, trying to be serious but not succeeding. "And not only in the shower – his desk…"

"Stop!" Elliot ordered, throwing up his hands, these were visuals he didn't need. "God, his desk…"

"Actually, El…" she cooed, dragging him into the water with her. "I have imagined Don's desk… but the only thing I've done on it, is you!"

Now, Elliot was interested in continuing the conversation. "Really? You imagined you and me and Don's desk?"

"Imagined, dreamed, fantasised …" she trailed, grabbing the shampoo, Elliot took it from her and poured some into his hand before massaging it into her hair.

"Tell me more," he drawled, making her shiver even in the heat of the water.

"I've often thought about you and me," she admitted, her eyes closed even though he was behind her and couldn't see her face.

"Doing?" he prompted, when she offered nothing more.

"It!" she grinned, rinsing the shampoo from her hair.

Needing much more information, Elliot picked up the conditioner and re-commenced his activities.

"Where?" he growled.

"Oh, places …" she laughed.

"Where?" he growled again, turning her around, Olivia just smirked. "Come on, Liv," he pleaded. "It's not as if we can actually do anything … so you can at least give me this."

"Well," she began, taking pity on him. "I've fantasised about us and Don's desk … more than once … your desk … my desk … cribs … locker room … showers … interrogation … interview … cells…"

"That's … um… that's a lot of places, Livia," he mumbled, remembering he was supposed to be conditioning her hair.

"Well, I've had a lot of time …" she trailed before realising she was giving way too much away, quickly, she rinsed out her hair.

"When did you have your first fantasy about me?" he asked, nibbling her ear.

"Now, that would be telling…" she smirked, turning back to him and linking her arms around his neck.

"Please," he pouted.

"What fantasies have you had about me?" she countered, swaying with him under the water.

"Not telling," he huffed.

"Oh, surely you want to tell me something about the hours you've wasted thinking of you and me," she cooed, moving in closer.

"Never wasted any hours, Liv…" he replied, trying to be cool about it.

"Oh," Olivia replied, dropping her hands.

After that there was nothing left to say … Olivia quickly rinsed off while Elliot tried to figure out the sudden change of mood.

"Liv?" he said, catching the glimpse of tears in her eyes. "What just happened?"

"Nothing," she replied, shrugging off his touch. "Connie will be here soon."

"I don't care," he replied, stepping out of the shower after her. "Liv, look at me!"

"Here," she replied, tossing him a towel.

.

Letting the towel drop to the floor, Elliot stepped up to her. "Stop," he growled, placing his hands on her shoulders. "Please," he added when she glared at him.

"What?" she growled back.

"What's wrong?" he questioned. "How did I fuck this up?"

"Don't worry about it," she replied, her eyes dropping to the floor.

"No, I will worry about it… tell me," he requested in a far softer tone.

"Look, El, forget it. Connie will be here in about ten minutes…" she began, trying to dry herself.

"I don't care," he replied adamantly. "I'm not moving until you tell me."

"Don't think Connie would appreciate it…" Olivia began, trying to move for the door but Elliot blocked her.

"I – don't – care – about – Connie," he said very slowly and deliberately. "I care about you."

"Sure," she sighed. "Just not enough to spend time thinking about me," she added, ducking past him to enter the bedroom.

Quickly, Elliot followed her out – his comments flashing back to him.

"Is this about the wasting time comment?" he asked and the look she gave him made him sure of it. "I stand by the comment, Olivia," he said firmly, taking her hands and stopping her from dressing. "I never said I didn't fantasise about you – just that it was never a waste of time." He waited while she took in his words. "I have spent many hours thinking, dreaming, fantasising about you … and not one of those hours was wasted – believe me…"

"You mean that?" she asked, feeling stupid she'd overreacted.

"Yep … and, when Connie's gone, I'll give you the details… if you want them, that is," he added with a smirk.

"Yeah, that would be nice," she smiled, falling into his arms. "Sorry…" she mumbled as kissed his cheek.

"Never doubt that I love you, Olivia," he whispered, holding her tighter. "And I have for a very, _very_ long time."

.

Prompt as usual, Connie arrived on time and was opening up her case as Elliot entered the room.

"Good morn … oh, my," she whispered as she took in his new appearance. "That's a bit of a change."  
"Well, it had started to go – so it all came off," he grinned.

"And his son did the same," added Olivia, wishing she could have been in the Stabler house to see Kathy's reaction to Dickie's new appearance.

"Very nice," Connie smiled. "How does it feel?"

"Bald," Elliot laughed.

"Is it just your new hairstyle or is there something else different?" she asked, as she sorted out his tablets.

"What do you mean?" he asked, as Olivia handed him his water.

"You just seem a little different – happy's not the word but…" she paused, unsure of the right adjective.

"Relaxed," Elliot supplied. "Liv and I got away for a few days with the twins and had a fantastic time."

"That's great," Connie smiled. "It seems to have done you the world of good." She handed him the pills and waited for him to swallow them.

"Yeah, best medicine in the world," he said, smiling at Olivia.

.

While the IV was still in, Olivia went into the study to take a call and Elliot chatted quietly with Connie.

"Olivia seems much brighter this week too," Connie observed looking to the closed door.

"Yeah, I think the trip did us both some good…" he smiled.

"How's she feeling?" she asked, adjusting the tube.

"Much better," Elliot replied. "And she told me how good you were to her last time … thanks for that. I really appreciate it."

"No need to thank me, Elliot," she smiled. "Anytime I can help, just let me know."

When the door opened and Olivia came back out, she looked far from fine.

.

"Liv, what's wrong?" Elliot asked, jumping up from the chair. Only Connie's hand on his arm, reminded him he had an IV drip attached.

"Um … that was Don," she began slowly, sitting on the arm of his chair so he'd sit back down.

"Don't tell me you have to go back to work," he said, in disbelief.

"Yeah…" she nodded.

"That's bullshit, Don said-" he began but the look on Olivia's face stopped him. "What happened?" he asked taking her hand.

"The squad was working on a case and things went bad," she said, her eyes locking with his.

"How bad?" Elliot asked, feeling her hand tremble in his.

"Well, Emerson was killed, Rooke is critical and … um … Munch, he's not doing too well either," she explained quietly.

"What the fuck happened?" Elliot hissed.

"Went to get the perp and all hell broke loose, don't know all the details except that Don's really short handed … Fin's still on the case but pretty shell shocked…" she reported.

"He wasn't hurt, was he?" Elliot asked.

"Nah, Don says he says he's okay," she said, squeezing his hand.

.

Connie didn't want to be intrusive but she had to ask the most relevant question about Elliot's situation. "So, what are we going to do about the treatments this week?" she asked. "If you can't get someone to stay with you, then I can organise for you to go to Mt Sinai and …"

"No," Elliot interrupted, he wasn't spending any more time in hospital than he had to. "I'll be fine by myself."

"Sorry, Elliot," she replied. "That's not part of the arrangement. You need someone with you, at least this week."

"Well, I'll find someone…" he replied, looking at Olivia, both of them thinking of the same person – the one neither wanted – Kathy.

Knowing there was something she was missing, Connie disconnected the empty IV. "I'll give you until three to make the arrangements, otherwise I'll book you into the hospital program," she said, looking between Elliot and Olivia.

"Pass the phone, Liv," he said, rubbing his arm.

When he had it he called Maureen to spend the afternoon, something she could do until seven, though he didn't tell Connie that.

"Maureen will be here in forty minutes," he reported hanging up the phone. "I'll make arrangements for the rest of the week then."

"If you need to go to work now, Olivia, I can wait with Elliot," Connie offered. "I have the time."

"Thanks, Connie, that would be great. I'll just get changed," Olivia said.

Dressed and ready to go within minutes, Olivia paused at the bedroom door before going out to say goodbye to Elliot. She didn't want to return to work, especially under these circumstances, she also knew his stress levels were about to rise dramatically knowing she was out there without him as her partner – when both their replacements had just been shot – his killed, hers wounded.

"I'll be fine," she said before he had a chance to speak. "I promise I'll be careful and be back as soon as I can."

"Okay," he nodded, knowing he couldn't stop her leaving. "Be very careful, okay … and let me know about Munch … and tell Fin to watch your back and …"

"Elliot, I'll be okay. I'll ring as soon as I get the chance … I'll leave a message with Mo and when you wake up…" she began.

"I won't be sleeping…" he interrupted.

"Yes, you will be," she said sternly. "This is going to be hard enough for me without worrying about you too – okay!"

Elliot nodded dutifully, this was the first time things hadn't been about him and he knew why. "Okay," he nodded. "Love you."

"Love you too," she replied, kissing his head. "Thanks for staying, Connie," she added, heading to the door.

"You're welcome," she smiled, and Olivia was gone.

**Please don't forget to review!**

**The funeral chapter of Death of a Child is up, a few people didn't get the notice after the weekend due to the site upgrade.**


	22. Chapter 22

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction. **

**_I'm still at home sick this week ... thanks for all the best wishes. If you want to google it, I've got Labryinthitus._**

To say the 1-6th was under siege was an understatement, with detectives seconded from other departments, Olivia walked into the bullpen to a sea of faces she didn't know. There were many more bodies than usual but she knew that was because three of their own had been shot just hours before.

Scanning the room anxiously, she was hoping to see with Fin or Don, someone she knew, someone who could give her an update on Munch's condition. Walking past the foreigners in her office, she ignored the man sitting at her desk, using her phone, but she felt a strange twinge seeing the man looking quite at home at Elliot's desk. There was something intrinsically wrong about it being anyone but Elliot.

Rapping quickly on the office door, she opened it and went in. Don indicated for her to wait while he concluded his call.

"How's John?" "How's Elliot?" They asked in unison as he hung up.

"El's okay, started cycle three today – Connie's waiting with him til Mo can get there … we'll make other arrangements for the week…John?" Olivia said quickly.

"Okay – that was the hospital. Out of surgery, should make a full recovery," Don said, the morning clearly taking a toll on him.

"That's good," Olivia nodded. "What about Rooke?"

"Still in surgery – doctors weren't overly optimistic going in but …" his voice trailed. There were many things about his job that Don hated; losing men was one of them. "And … um… Emerson's family have been notified…"

"Where's Fin?" Olivia asked, with a sudden need to see him for herself – to be there for him, just as he had been for her.

"He's at Mercy …" he began before the phone rang once more.

Olivia went to leave but Don gestured for her to sit and wait, which she did, taking the opportunity to quickly text Maureen to say John was ok and to make sure Elliot was in bed.

"Ok, Olivia," Don started, grabbing the file. "I'm going to go out there and brief everyone on developments, send more crews out. After that, I want you to stay here and handle the phones …"

"Desk duty? You're calling me back in to do desk duty?" she asked incredulously. A first year rookie could answer the phones.

"Yes, mainly, and to partner with Fin when he gets back …" he tried to explain.

"So, it's not desk duty," she interrupted.

"Still yes, when Fin's back I don't want him going out on this investigation either," Don explained, exhausted by the effort.

"Why not? We're both experienced detectives, I'm sure we're of more use in the field," she protested; if this was what he wanted her to do, she'd rather be home.

Don sighed deeply. "Look, Liv, there are thirty additional cops swarming around out there ready to do the footwork and find this bastard, but none are from this squad… I need you and Fin to take care of anything that comes in for this unit. I can't trust that to the drug squad guys or comp crimes, understand?"

"Yeah," she nodded, feeling the pain her boss was enduring at the mess he found his squad in.

"I'm really sorry, Liv, I know you'd rather be with Elliot. I know El would rather you be there, I just had no where else to turn," he apologised.

"I know, Don, it's okay."

Forty five minutes later, Olivia found herself alone in the bullpen, everyone else out looking for Alfonse Lamberti, the bastard who'd raped his neighbour's seven year old daughter then blasted the cops who arrived to arrest him. Looking from desk to desk she was filled with an innate sadness at the thought that she would never again look from her desk to see Elliot, Fin and Munch at theirs. Though Munch had pulled through, and she had to believe Elliot would make it. The shift in her relationship with Elliot meant their partnership was over.

Deciding she didn't care about her own desk but would be damned if anyone was going to try and replace Elliot, she moved a few of her personal belongings and sat down in his chair. Instantly, she felt better. Grabbing the phone she called Maureen and apprised her of the situation before asking the question nagging at her.

"Has you dad worked out what's happening with him the rest of the week?" she asked, knowing Connie would be ringing soon to finalise arrangements.

"Well, Kathleen is coming at seven and staying the night, we'll swap again in the morning and Connie is coming first thing," she explained. "We'll sort out the rest of it then."

"Can you make sure he eats something for me, Mo?" she asked quietly. "He won't feel like it and will protest but he needs something – maybe at around six… soup and toast is fine."

"Yeah, I'll make sure he eats," Maureen replied.

"And there are some meds for him on the kitchen bench … there's anti nausea, analgesics, and um…" she paused trying to think.

"I'll make sure dad takes what he needs after he's eaten," she answered, looking at the array of medications before her.

"And…" she began.

"Liv, I'll take good care of him, I promise," she interrupted.

"Sorry … it's just…" her voice trailed as she fought to keep control of her emotions.

"It's okay, Liv, he wishes you were here too."

It was nearly eight before Olivia got a chance to catch her breath once more. Fin had returned six hours earlier and they were straight out the door to interview Kayla Roberts, a rape victim at New York Presbyterian Hospital. Getting the information they needed, they'd headed out to pick up Michael Clarence, the victim's former boyfriend. The man protested for all about thirty seconds until Fin drew his gun, explained in no uncertain terms that he'd had a really shitty day and was going to take it out on the next bastard who so much as looked at him the wrong way.

Clarence confessed then and there.

With everything in the Roberts case wrapped up quickly, Olivia moved to sit on Fin's desk as he finished off the file.

"How are you doing, Fin?" she asked quietly, wanting to keep this conversation between them and not the strangers who were now part of the SVU team.

"Fine," he grated, taking out his frustration on the keyboard.

"Wanna tell me about it?" she asked, stilling his hand.

"Nah," he sighed, looking at her concerned face. He knew she had so much on her plate; he didn't need to add this to it. "I'm fine, Livvy."

"That's bullshit," she hissed. "You're the furthest from fine I've seen in a long time. Finish that form and you and I are going for coffee. I'll tell Cragen." She jumped off the desk and stalked away leaving no room for debate.

Fin's only contributions to the arrangements for coffee were to suggest they get it at Mercy, so they could call in on Munch and to pay for them. Sitting in his room as he slept, Olivia watched Fin while he watched Munch.

"He told me it was only a graze…" Fin began quietly. "Said the fucker's bullet knew better than to do any real damage … said to check on his dumbass partner who had no idea about the conspiracies in the department…"

"Who was his partner?" Olivia asked, glancing at Munch.

"Jack Emerson …" Fin sighed. "So, I left him and went to Emerson and it was already too late … they'd gone in first and got the brunt of it… I didn't realise Rooke had even been hit, he came in after me…"

Knowing Fin was experiencing something akin to Survivor's Guilt; she reached over and took his hand.

"…And I turned around to see what the fuck he was up too – I mean we had two officers down and he was nowhere to be seen…" Fin continued slowly. "I cursed the hell out of him as I moved back to Munch then I caught sight of his feet behind the sofa. He was there, face down, blood everywhere, silent." He stopped to swallow hard. "I went to him and rolled him over and … ah, fuck, Liv … I thought he was dead too … I mean…the mess the bullets had made of his chest. It was only when I went to check for a pulse I heard him moan and I knew he was still with us…"

Gently, Olivia rubbed his forearm.

"When the paramedics got there I sent them to Rooke first … and no one really gave him much of a chance … I went to Munch and … um …and…" He stopped and dropped his head into his hands. Olivia moved closer and draped her arm across his back, in an effort to give him some comfort.

"What happened?" she whispered gently, looking over at Munch.

"He was unconscious, pale … even for him … and slumped over. That's when I saw the blood on his shirt. He'd copped it right in his chest, right in the lung … and god help me, Liv … I thought he was gone," he hissed. "Thought that bastard had killed all three of them and I didn't have a scratch."

Placing her coffee on the floor beside her, Olivia wrapped Fin in her arms; there was little she could say. For a long time she just held him until Munch spoke, surprising them both.

"Elliot know about you two?" he croaked and instantly they were on their feet.

"How you doing?" Olivia asked, taking his hand.

"Like I was shot …" he replied, each word requiring so much effort.

"You're doing well," she reassured him, squeezing his hand.

"How'd the other two fair?" he gasped, it hurting him to talk.

"Rooke is in ICU and they say it's touch and go," Olivia reported. "Emerson didn't make it."

Shifting uncomfortably in the narrow bed, Munch looked at Fin. "Did you get the bastard?"

"Not yet… got every man on it though," he replied, looking much older than his years. "He's on borrowed time."

"Good," Munch replied, his eyes fluttering closed.

"We'll go and let you rest," Olivia replied, leaning down to kiss his forehead. He mumbled some response. "Night!"

"Night," Fin echoed, patting Munch's arm and following Olivia out.

"Fin…" Munch groaned. "Not your fault. Don't let it eat you."

In the corridor, while waiting for the elevator, Olivia hugged Fin. "You doing okay?" she asked, as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Yeah … thanks," he replied, kissing the side of her head.

"Anytime," she grinned, pulling back as the doors slid opened.

Back in the car, Fin slumped back into the seat as Olivia started the engine. "You want me to take you home?" she asked, pulling out of the parking bay.

"Yeah," he nodded. "I bet you're keen to get home to El…how's he doing?"

"Okay," she sighed. "Third cycle started today so I'm not too sure how that went but … he's okay."

"And are you… okay, that is?" he asked with a yawn.

"Yeah," she smiled wearily. "One of us has to be."

Two blocks from the hospital, Fin's cell rang and the news wasn't good. Rape victim found dead in Wall Street and Olivia cringed; she wouldn't be home anytime soon. Tossing her cell to Fin, she asked him to text Elliot – tell him Munch was fine, she was fine but things were busy and she wouldn't be home that night. Then she sighed deeply … her heart heavy at the mere thought she would be spending the first night away from Elliot since he'd had surgery.

When her phone beeped in reply, Fin opened the message. "He said; please take care and he loves you too." Olivia glanced over at him. "I know you didn't say to tell him you loved him but I added it anyway – I thought it was a given," he grinned.

"Thanks, Fin."

**Please don't forget to review!**

**The last chapter of the first instalment of Death of a Child is up.**


	23. Chapter 23

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction. **

**_Thanks for all the well wishes, I continue to improve, thankfully!_**

**_Thanks Pixie!_**

Monday blended into Tuesday which blended into Wednesday. Having left and received lots of messages in regards to Elliot, and catching a couple of hours sleep in the cribs, Olivia was feeling her absence from Elliot deeply. So, Wednesday afternoon, in between interviews for her own case, and the 8PM briefing on the Lamberti Case, she tried again to actually phone Elliot, just needing to hear his voice.

No matter which number she called; his cell, the apartment, Maureen, she got no reply. She left messages on them all, twice, before hanging up and trying to figure out what it meant. Deciding it could be her cell, even though she'd got through to the various answering systems, she used the desk phone and the result was the same…that's when the panic started.

Grabbing her things, she headed into Don's office. "Look, Don," she began. "I have to go home – I have to see El…" she trailed as she took in his demeanour and immediately sank into a chair.

"Oh no, Liv, it's not Elliot," Don quickly reassured her coming from behind his desk. "It's Edgar Rooke – he didn't make it."

"Oh, thank god," she whispered, before realising her words. "Sorry, Don, I didn't mean … I was just glad…shit!"

"It's okay, Liv, I do understand," he replied, taking her hand.

"How close are we to getting Lamberti?" she asked, wishing this was over and some normality could return.

"Not close enough," he growled. "What were you saying about Elliot?"

"I can't seem to contact him … tried all the numbers," she began to explain as he leant against his desk.

"He's probably sleeping," Don offered, trying to ease her concern.

"Yeah, probably," she agreed. "But someone should be there with him – no reason they couldn't answer the phone or their cell or his cell or…"

"Breathe, Liv," he ordered softly. "There'll be a simple explanation."

"You think?" she asked. "No one has told me how he's going with his treatment this week … no one has told me the plans for who's staying with him … the texts I get from his cell all just say 'doing okay'."

Their conversation was interrupted by his phone ringing.

"Cragen," he grumbled, not needing any more bad news.

"Um… Captain Cragen?" came the hesitant voice down the line.

"Yes, it is," he replied, making his way back to his seat.

"Look, don't say anything but this is Maureen Stabler, is Olivia with you by any chance?" Maureen said quietly.

"Yes, that would be correct," Don said, glancing quickly at Olivia.

"How upset is she right now?" she asked.

"Concerned about the welfare of the subject," he replied, not trying to give anything away. "Can you enlighten me?"

"Dad's doing okay, nausea has hit him a bit more this time and he's missing Olivia like crazy but he says he's okay," Maureen reported, looking at her father's sleeping form.

"Would there be a reason why we can't contact the subject through the usual channels?" he asked.

He heard Maureen sigh deeply and knew no one was going to like what she had to say next.

"I didn't do it, it wasn't my fault," Maureen answered, her voice thick with emotion.

"What wasn't?" he asked, trying to avoid Olivia's eyes.

"I got to Liv's this morning and Kathleen was there, we were supposed to be changing over … but mom was there too … which I thought was strange," she paused to take a deep breath. "Then she told me that she was taking dad to her place because it was stupid for him to be at Liv's when Liv couldn't be bothered to be there."

"Is she aware…" Don went to interrupt but Maureen continued on.

"I explained this wasn't Liv's choice and she'd be back as soon as she could and that Dad wanted to stay at Olivia's but she didn't seem to care. Had him packed up and in the car soon after and said she'd arranged it all and Connie, the nurse, was already expecting to see him in Queens," she gushed. "I asked if Liv knew, and she just said all relevant people knew."

Don just sighed, the last thing anyone needed was a tug of war over Elliot.

"When I got here this afternoon, I asked dad about it all and he seemed to be under the impression Liv knew - mom told him she'd made all the arrangements and everyone was fine with it," she continued.

"That wasn't the case," Don interrupted.

"I didn't think so," Maureen said. "And …um…"

"What is it?" he said gently, wondering what else was to come.

"Dad was a little upset about it... well, more than a little upset… didn't quite understand how Liv could be okay with just letting him go," she whispered. "And I didn't want to say anything in case I was wrong about Liv knowing."

"You weren't wrong," he sighed. "What do you want to do now?"

"Liv's going to be so pissed, isn't she?" Maureen asked, her heart heavy.

"Oh yeah," he agreed, looking at the woman in question.

"Can you tell her?" she asked meekly, hoping the older man could smooth things over. "I don't think I could."

"Sure," he said. It wasn't what he wanted to do but he had said from the start he'd do anything that was needed and he couldn't renege now.

"And if she wants to come over, mom's out til about midnight," she continued. "That's if it's okay with you."

"That's okay with me. I'll handle things this end," Don said.

"Thanks, Captain," Maureen replied gratefully. "I really appreciate this."

.

Olivia's eyes locked onto her boss' as he tried to figure out the best way to do this…

"Now, Liv …" he began slowly and then quickly filled her in on the conversation.

"She – did – what?" Olivia hissed getting to her feet. "Who the hell does she think she is?!"

"Look, Liv, she probably…" Anything else he was going to say died on his tongue when he caught her withering glare; now probably wasn't the best time to defend Kathy. "Why don't you go see Elliot, and then get some sleep. I'll see you back here for the 6:00 AM briefing."

Needing no other encouragement, Olivia departed and sped most of the way to Queens. Pulling up in the driveway, she jumped out of the car and was met on the front lawn by Maureen before she could even make it to the door.

"I'm so, so sorry, Livvy," Maureen begged. "I tried to let him stay at your place but mom said she'd organised it – and when she said Connie was coming here I figured you knew too."

.  
"It's okay, Mo," Olivia replied, hugging her. "It's not your fault."

"I tried to talk to dad but he just seems confused today…he's so tired and … oh, Liv," she said, bursting into tears.

"He's like that with his treatments, honey," she soothed, not wanting to take out her frustration on the wrong person. "He's probably disorientated by the move. Let's go see him."

Stopping at the foot of stairs, Maureen pointed up to the rooms.

"Dad's in Lizzie's room, go on up," she smiled, relieved that Olivia seemed quite calm.

"Why Lizzie's room?" she asked, she hadn't been sure where Kathy would put him but on her way over she'd thought all sorts of things.

"Well, Dickie wanted it to be his room, but this way, Lizzie can share with Kathleen instead of Dickie," she reported.

.

Olivia was half way up the stairs before Maureen stopped her again.

"Liv, dad hasn't eaten anything, have you?"

"No," she replied. "Unless you count two cups of coffee and a stale granola bar."

"I'll sort out something," she replied, disappearing into the kitchen.

.

Continuing towards Lizzie's room, Olivia stopped when she heard voices in Dickie's room. Quietly she rapped on the door before opening it.

"Hi guys," she said when she saw Lizzie and Dickie on the floor playing with the Playstation 3.

"Hey Liv," they replied in unison, their attention remaining on the screen, until they realised she was in the house.

"Oh Livvy!" Lizzie exclaimed, jumping to her feet and hugging her. "Dad's in my room and I think he's asleep. He was on the sofa when we got home from school and when mom said he was staying here for a few days I said he should have my bed…"

"I said he should have my bed, first," Dickie interrupted. "But then I'd have to share with Kathleen and she can be such a pain so…"

"Yeah, so now I have to share with her," Lizzie interjected with a roll of the eyes. "But she's at a friend's tonight – so that's something!"

Olivia smiled. "Well, it was very kind of both of you," she said, rubbing Dickie's head.

"Yeah," he replied. "But I still think he'd rather be at your place."

"What makes you think that?" asked Olivia, pausing at the door.

"When I got him some water before, he was drifting in and out of sleep but he kept asking me when he was going home, I said he was home and he said no, his new home, and I asked whether he meant his place and he just sighed and said no, his home – home, your place…" Dickie said, and Olivia's eyes filled with tears.

Not even bothering to knock on the door that brightly exclaimed 'Lizzie's Room', Olivia opened the door and quietly closed it behind her. The bedside lamp was still on and she stood for a moment and watched him – it had only been sixty hours since she'd last seen him but he looked different. Not able to figure out what was different, and not really caring at this stage, she went and sat on the bed, facing him.

"El, baby," she cooed, stroking his head. "Elliot."

She knew he needed to sleep but she needed him to be awake; she won.

"Livia," he croaked, his eyes fluttering open.

"Hey, baby," she said, softly, reaching down to kiss his forehead.

"You're home from work – finally," he sighed, stretching his arms out to hug her.

"Not quite, El," she replied, sliding into his arms.

"You must be, you're here right?" he said, his eyes never leaving hers. "This isn't a dream, is it?"

"No, Elliot, I'm here for real," she smiled, caressing his cheek. "But we're not home."

Confusion was clearly evident on Elliot's face as he scanned the room.

"This is Liz's room, isn't it?" he asked, searching her face for some sort of clarity.

"Yes, it is…" she nodded.

"Why am I in Liz's bed?" he asked, wearily sitting up.

"You tell me," Olivia countered. "What happened today?"

"I remember coming here and Kathy … and Connie … but I thought…" he paused, trying to think through the fog.

"Thought what, baby?" she asked gently.

"Well, I thought maybe I was dreaming…" he said, taking hold of her once more.

"No, it happened for real," Olivia confirmed.

"I didn't want to come, Liv… I wanted to stay at home… I remember saying that to Kathy … and she said I would be going home … but I said no, I was already at home… but then she said you all said it was for the best and…" he stopped when he caught Olivia's expression.

"I never said any such thing, El … I didn't know until about an hour ago," she said quietly.

"She didn't ask you?" he asked incredulously. Olivia just shook her head.

A string of expletives rambled through his mind but as his eldest daughter appeared at the door, he decided against voicing them.

"Got some dinner for you, dad," she said, placing a loaded tray on Lizzie's desk.

"Mo, I said I wasn't hungry," he protested, as Olivia stood up from the bed.

"I know," Maureen said, leaning in close to her father. "But Olivia hasn't eaten all day and said she'd only eat if you were having something because she didn't want me to go to any trouble. So, do you think you can eat …for her?" Elliot nodded quickly; he'd do anything for her.

Maureen turned around and winked at Olivia.

"Now," she announced. "I'm not sure what either of you would eat, so there's left over spaghetti, toasted cheese sandwiches, scrambled eggs on toast and two glasses of milk."

"That's a lot of food, Mo," Olivia said studying the tray.

"Yes, I know," she replied, moving over to Olivia and the food. "But dad will only eat if you do so I figured this way he'll eat enough to get him through the treatment tomorrow."

It was of no surprise to Maureen that when she returned, the tray was nearly empty. She smiled as she quietly retrieved it while her father and Olivia, lay dozing contentedly in each others arms.

**Please don't forget to review!**

**The last chapter of the first instalment of Death of a Child is up.**


	24. Chapter 24

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction. **

**_Thanks for all the well wishes, I continue to improve, thankfully!_**

Their blissful slumber lasted until Olivia awoke to find Elliot stumbling around the room trying to open a stubborn door.

"What are you doing, Elliot?" she asked, clambering out of bed and going to him.

"Bathroom," he mumbled, tugging on the door.

"You won't find it there, baby," she said gently, turning him around. "That's Lizzie's closet."

"What's Lizzie's closet doing in our bedroom?" he asked, confused. "This is where our bathroom is."

Despite the situation, Olivia couldn't help but smile at Elliot's use of the word 'our'.

"Come on," she said, taking his hand and leading him out to the hallway and down to the bathroom. "It's in there."

Leaning against the wall, waiting for Elliot, Dickie came along.

"Is there a queue, Liv?" he asked, leaning next to her.

"No, honey, I'm just waiting for your dad," she replied. "What's the response been to your lack of hair?" she asked, skimming her hand over the top.

"Well, some of the kids thought it was pretty cool, some thought it was an attention thing – but Lizzie put them straight in no uncertain terms," he laughed. "And mom … she said she was fine with it but, god, Liv, you should have seen her face. I so wish I had a camera it was all…" He tried to imitate his mother's expression – all wide eyed and open mouthed.

"I would have loved to have seen it," Olivia laughed.

"It was so funny," he chuckled again.

Just as she was about to knock to see if all was well with Elliot, the door swung open.

"There you are," she smiled, wrapping her arm around his waist. "Thought you'd fallen in."

"Fallen in where?" he asked, his eyes clouded over.

Olivia laughed; he really wasn't quite with her at the moment. "Say goodnight to Dickie, El," she instructed.

"Night, son," he said, kissing Dickie's forehead.

"Goodnight, dad, hope you're feeling better tomorrow," he replied.

"Yeah, me too," he sighed.

They moved down the hallway slowly and came to Lizzie's room.

"Hey, Liz," Olivia called. "Come and say goodnight to your dad."

Obediently, Lizzie came across to hug and kiss Elliot. "Night, daddy!"

After Elliot had turned to enter the room, Lizzie hugged Olivia. "Are you staying tonight?"

"No, sweetie, I'm going home as soon as your dad's asleep," she replied, stifling a yawn.

"Okay," she nodded. "But if you change your mind, there's a hideaway under my bed."

Settled back in bed, Olivia caressed his head as Elliot nestled into her.

"I'm feeling like shit, Liv," he mumbled into her chest.

"Yeah, I can see that," she agreed, kissing his head. "Anything I can do?"

'You're doing it," he sighed. "You're not really going me home and leaving me here, are you?"

"Yeah, I'll stay til you're asleep and then I'll head out," she whispered, holding him tighter.

"No, Livia," he protested, trying to sit up. "Don't go – stay here!"

"I can't, baby," she replied, caressing his face. "I need to go home and sleep and shower and change and…"

"Then take me with you," he pleaded and it nearly broke her heart.

.

As much as she hated the way Kathy had done things, she had to admit that maybe he should stay at least til the weekend, when he could come home and not need 24 hour care.

"You need to stay and get much more sleep," she whispered. "Connie will be here first thing for your treatment."

"Fuck the treatment, I don't want to be here," he growled, becoming agitated.

"I know, I know," she soothed, gently stroking his face. "I know."

"Then why are you making me?" he questioned, his eyes narrowing. "Why did you agree for me to come here?"

"I never agreed, Elliot, I didn't know until tonight…" she defended herself.

With that, Eliot slumped back onto the bed, and pulled Olivia onto him.

"Please, Olivia, please stay or take me with you … you said you loved me … you said we're in this together, aren't we?" he said weakly into her hair.

With tears running down her cheeks and a huge case of guilt, Olivia nodded and it was enough to soothe Elliot and he soon drifted off to sleep. As he did, the door eased open and Maureen stood there, tears on her face as well.

"He doesn't mean to make you feel bad, Liv," she whispered, handing Olivia the box of Kleenex. "He just misses you."

"I know," she replied, grabbing a tissue and wiping her face. "I just can't win."

"What do you mean?" Maureen asked, sitting on the bed.

"I'm so tired, Mo … I need to go home … I have to be at the precinct at six … I'm positive your mother doesn't want me here … I can't take him out in the middle of the night …" she trailed, everything was just too much.

"Well, I can go to your place, pick up a few of your things, you can stay here, shower and change in the morning and go in from here," she offered, glancing down at her dad.

"And your mom?" Olivia asked.

"Dad's here so you have every right to be here," she said firmly. "Look," she added, pointing to her father. "He's slept more soundly in the last five minutes than he has all day. He needs you to be here …"

"Okay, okay," she conceded, too tired to argue anymore.

Shortly after, Maureen set off to Olivia's with a list of items to retrieve and Olivia settled back into the bed with Elliot.

Feeling she could sleep for a week before her condition could be upgraded from exhausted to tired, Olivia closed her eyes and drew in some deep breaths. It only took a few minutes for her to fall into a deep sleep. Alas, her sleep was disrupted within the hour when there was movement in the room.

"Hello, Olivia," Kathy said coldly, as Olivia struggled to open her eyes. "I didn't expect to see you here so late."

"I didn't expect to have to be here – at all," Olivia replied, glancing at Elliot to make sure he was still asleep.

"Well, it is for the best … you can't expect the kids and I to traipse all the way to Manhattan just to look after him at your place," Kathy sniped.

"You could have asked me," she replied, remaining in the bed, thinking it may be safer for Kathy if she couldn't stretch out and choke the life out of her.

"Asked you?" Kathy scoffed. "Since when do _I_ have to ask your permission when it comes to Elliot? It's my house, my husband…"

"Ex-husband," Olivia corrected quickly, climbing out of bed.

"Oh, yes," she replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "_Ex_-husband! And I bet you were so, so happy about that," she added, forgetting all the times Olivia had been her ally.

"Kathy, let's not do this," Olivia said, trying to remain calm for Elliot's sake.

"Oh, Olivia, others may buy your holier than thou attitude but I don't … I think after twenty five years I know what Elliot needs better than you," she said, rolling her eyes. "And I don't have to ask your permission for anything."

Taking a deep breath, Olivia moved towards her.

"Kathy, this is about Elliot, not you and not me …" she replied, her voice low but even. "He wanted to stay with me and I respected…"

"Of course you did," she hissed. "Any excuse to get him into your bed…And probably not for the first time." Olivia just glared at her. "Tell me, _Olivia,_ just how many of those 'coffee' calls in the middle of the night were actually for coffee?"

"For your information, the first time Elliot and I had sex was the week between his diagnosis and surgery," Olivia spat, revealing the information before she could stop herself.

"Ah, pity sex," Kathy laughed humourlessly.

"It wasn't pity sex … Elliot has cancer and I'm sorry about that, but I certainly don't pity him," she hissed in reply.

"Oh, no, not for him, for you … tell me, in the years he was married during your partnership, did you ever have a man who was more than just a fuck buddy, or was that what my husband was for?" she smirked, enjoying the discomfort she was causing Olivia.

Olivia did all she could to control her temper – she knew what Kathy was trying to do and she sure as hell wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of bursting into tears. However, the hurt expression on Olivia's face propelled Kathy to keep going.

"Oh, Olivia, you were in love with him. Oh, you really are pathetic, aren't you?" she continued. "No one else in your life so you hang onto Elliot – and I bet it never really registered with you that he was being paid to be with you day in and day out … never did it by choice, just for the pay packet."

Pissed and hurt beyond belief, Olivia grabbed her jacket and purse from the chair. There was no way she wanted a screaming match right now, not with Elliot asleep two feet away and the twins across the hall.

"Leaving so soon?" Kathy laughed as Olivia headed to the door.

"Tell Elliot I'll speak to him tomorrow," she growled.

"Certainly, Olivia, top of my priority list."

As if on autopilot, Olivia drove through the streets absently heading towards Casey. If ever she needed an endless supply of whiskey and Kleenex it was now. The tears streaming down her face blurred her vision for most of the trip and despite the low traffic volume, she had two close calls on the way there; one with a fire truck, the other with a motorcyclist.

Not even thinking about the time, Olivia pounded on Casey's door and wondered why it was taking her so long to answer. Finally, a light came on and she heard the locks opening.

"My god, Liv, what happened? Is it Elliot? Is he okay?" Casey asked in a rush, gathering Olivia in a tight embrace. Although she tried to reply, the words were replaced by sobs. Casey lead her over to the sofa and sat down with her, her mind racing through what would have cause her friend to be a broken, overwrought mess – and she kept coming back to the obvious – Elliot.

"Liv," she said cautiously, taking her hand. "Is Elliot okay?" Olivia nodded and Casey could actually breathe again. "Okay, give me a minute."

Appearing minutes later with two glasses, the ice tray, a bottle of Johnny Walker and a box of tissues, Casey put them on the coffee table and poured them both a big drink. Through the first one, Olivia explained how Kathy moved Elliot to Queen's, through the second one, she explained how Kathy had told Elliot she was alright with it and how upset Elliot had been by it. Through the third, she told Casey of the whole Kathy episode and before the fourth, she'd cried herself to sleep on the sofa.

Meanwhile, Maureen had returned to Lizzie's bedroom with Olivia's bag in hand. "Where's Liv?" she asked her mother who was in the room, turning off the lamp.

"Oh, she had to go home, said she'd call tomorrow," Kathy said offhandedly. "Probably better things to do."

Maureen stood surprised for a minute, knowing she was missing something. There is no way Olivia would have gone home after dispatching her to Manhattan, something her mother hadn't known. Not trusting her mother, not where Olivia was concerned, she followed her mom back to the kitchen.

"Was Liv okay about dad being here?" she asked, sitting on the breakfast bar stool.

"Not entirely happy but she could see the point," Kathy replied with a wave of her hand.

"Will she be coming by tomorrow?" she asked.

"Oh, she's not sure, she'll see what she can do," her mother said, and Maureen knew she was lying.

.

Excusing herself to go up to her old bedroom, a place she hadn't slept in quite a while, Maureen pulled out her cell and called Olivia. It was Casey who answered it.

"Olivia Benson's phone, Casey Novak speaking," she said quietly, moving from a sleeping Olivia to the kitchen.

"Casey? It's Maureen Stabler, is Liv with you?" she asked, slightly confused.

"Yes, she is," Casey replied.

"May I talk to her please?" she asked nervously.

"Um, no, that's not possible, Maureen," Casey replied. "She's asleep right now."

"Are you at her place?" Maureen asked, trying to piece things together.

"No, she's at mine," she related, adjusting the blanket over her sleeping friend.

"Is she okay?" she asked nervously, things just weren't adding up.

"Well, she was in quite a state when she turned up here just after midnight and we've had a few drinks," she explained quietly.

"Did mom upset her?" she asked, quietly.

"Yeah, big time," Casey sighed.

"What did she do?" Maureen asked, needing to know, but not really wanting to hear it.

"Look, Maureen, I think that's something…" she began but Maureen interjected.

"Mom says she had to go home and may or may not be by to see dad tomorrow – and I know she's lying. Liv had planned to spend the night, I'd even gone to her place to collect some things – so even if she had changed her mind, she would have called me … and she hasn't … and … Casey, I just need to know," she pleaded.

"Okay, look, without giving you the details – those will have to come from Liv – your mom did say a lot of things tonight, none of which were true and Liv's pretty devastated," Casey sighed deeply.

"Can you let Liv know I called and that despite anything my mother might say, dad loves her, we kids love her and we all get through this together?" she asked, the tears falling down her cheeks obvious in her voice.

"I will, Maureen," she promised.

**Don't forget to review! I have a magic figure in mind to reach before I update again - Let's see how long it takes to get there!**

**The last chapter of the first instalment of Death of a Child is up.**


	25. Chapter 25

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction. **

**_AN: I've had a bad week with more time off work and orders not to use the computer, therefore, I haven't been able to reply to reviews or emails- my apologies. I'm hoping to be back online from early next week and will respond then. Meanwhile, this chapter was sitting in my document manager and I didn't figure the five minutes it would take me to upload it would cause too much damage._**

The desperation to know what had actually transpired between her mother and Olivia was eating at Maureen as she lay on her bed. Slowly, her bedroom door creaked opened and she was about to get some of the answers.

"Mo, are you asleep?" Dickie asked quietly, peeking into the room.

"No, kiddo, come on in," she replied, sitting up. "What's up?"

"I don't know," he began. "But there's something wrong with Lizzie."

"Wrong like how?" Maureen asked, swinging her legs over the side.

"I thought it was about dad but she kept saying it was nothing, and for me to get lost … then when I pushed her on it she just cried harder," he explained, his eyes filling with tears at his twin's pain. "She usually tells me when she's upset but not this time. I thought maybe it was that time – you know a girly thing and you might be able help her."

Standing and hugging Dickie, Maureen kissed his head before walking him back to his room. "I'll sort things out, Dick, you go back to bed."

Rapping quietly on the door, Maureen let herself into Kathleen's room, glad Kathleen was spending the night at a friend's place. There was enough drama happening in the house without her adding to it.

"Lizzie, honey?" she called, closing the door behind her. Any response was lost in sobs. "Hey, Liz, what's wrong?" she asked, climbing into bed with her sister and holding her tightly.

It was a long time before Lizzie had her emotions under control and could actually speak.

"What is it, Liz?" Maureen asked gently, wiping her sister's face.

"Mom is such a bitch," Lizzie whispered, and Maureen nodded.

"What happened?" she prompted as Lizzie snuggled into her.

"She made Liv go away," Lizzie explained. "She doesn't know I know but I heard what she said to Liv and it was horrible, Mo. Really, really horrible. I wouldn't be surprised if we never see her again."

Reaching over, Maureen turned on the lamp and grabbed the tissues.

"Now, tell me what happened?" she asked, handing her a Kleenex.

Taking a deep breath, Lizzie tried to relate the story as she'd heard it from the hallway on her way to the bathroom.

"Mom basically called Liv a slut and said that dad only had pity sex with her and then she said Liv was pathetic and dad was only with her because the department paid him." She sobbed once more.

Needing a little more information to put the entire story together, Maureen waited and by the time Liz got to the part where Olivia had left, she was also in tears.

"What are we going to do, Mo?" she pleaded. "I love Liv and don't want to lose her but more importantly dad needs her…and she won't be back here and …"

"Shh, Liz," Maureen soothed, kissing Lizzie's head. "It'll be alright, I promise I will fix it."

"You mean it?" asked Dickie from the doorway. He had known this was more than a girl thing and needed to hear the details for himself.

"Come in here," Maureen said, patting the bed beside her.

When Dickie was settled, Maureen took his hand.

"Look, you guys," Maureen said gently. "I know this is all so hard but it will work out fine. Right now, Liv's upset and she's at Casey's but Casey said she's okay. Now, you two don't say anything and I'll sort it all out, okay?"

"Okay," they said and nodded.

"Mo, thank you," Lizzie whispered, hugging her.

"Sleep, kiddo," she whispered back. "You too," she said, turning Dickie around to the door.

"I'll sleep in here," Dickie said, pointing Kathleen's bed. He didn't want Lizzie to be alone, and he didn't want to be alone either.

Thursday came and went quickly as Olivia tried to get through the day and Maureen was just as busy making plans of her own. Elliot's treatment went okay but he was confused about Olivia and why she would leave him when she'd promised she'd spend the night. He tried to speak to her but all his calls went to voicemail, he called Maureen and knew there was something going on that he was missing.

"Look, dad," she said, taking a deep breath. "Liv's really busy at the moment and she had to go into work really early … you know the Lamberti case … anyway, she said she was going to try to call you today."

"Mo, I need to see her …" he said, with a quiet desperation.

"I know, dad," she sighed.

"And I don't want to stay at the house, I want to go back home," he continued.

"I know, dad," she repeated. "My boss is coming right now, but I'll fix things, dad, I promise."

Within minutes, Maureen had her plan, not quite the one she had anticipated but a plan nonetheless. Packing up the last of her personal belongings she headed out of the office, knowing she was doing the right thing.

With Kathy working Friday morning, Maureen sat with her dad through his treatment.

"Now," she said, as she closed the door behind Connie. "Let's get you out if here."

"Bed, again?" he sighed, trying to stand up from the armchair.

"Not quite, dad," Maureen said, grabbing his arm and steadying him. "I'm taking you home."

"Home, really?" he said, grinning tiredly. "What did your mom say?"

"Don't worry about mom," she said with half a smile. "Let me deal with her."

Just over an hour later, Elliot was sound asleep in Olivia's bed and he had never felt more at home in his life.

Meanwhile, Olivia and Fin had their own dramas unfolding as the team closed in around Alfonse Lamberti. While not involved in the search for him themselves, the fact he had been tracked down and was now surrounded in a house on Long Island, changed things and they were headed out to him.

Two blocks from their destination, all hell broke loose when Lamberti decided he had no future and detonated the explosive devices he had scattered through the house and strapped to himself. In the resulting blast, several of the cops already onsite were injured, some critically and the surrounding houses had their windows blown out.

Realising it was going to be a long day, and night, she grabbed the opportunity to call Elliot and reassure him. Not able to waste time, Olivia called the house and was glad when she realised the answering machine would pick up and she wouldn't have to speak to Kathy. Unfortunately, just as she went to speak, Kathy picked up.

"Kathy, it's Olivia. There's been a development in the Lamberti case and there was an explosion, Fin and I are fine – we weren't even there. But it will be all over the news and I don't want Elliot to worry."

"I'll pass on the message, Olivia," she replied before hanging up, knowing she wouldn't.

"Mom," Kathleen said, startling her. "Who was that?"

"Someone for Dickie," she replied, still incredibly pissed that Maureen had taken her father back to Olivia's without so much as a word.

While Olivia and Fin rummaged through the debris trying to secure the scene and make sure all officers were accounted for, Elliot stumbled from the bedroom, surprising Maureen who was curled up reading on the sofa.

"What's wrong, dad?" she exclaimed, jumping to her feet, taking in his pale face and unsteadiness.

"Liv … Liv…" he called, hanging onto the wall.

"Olivia's at work, dad, she …" Maureen began to explain but he shook his head vigorously.

"Explosion … Lamberti Case…" he stated, grabbing the remote. Flipping to CNN, they watched as the report came up as 'breaking news'. And that news wasn't good; a female officer, working out of the 16th, had succumbed to injuries sustained in the blast. Her male partner's condition had been downgraded from critical but stable to critical and unstable.

"Dad, you don't know it's them," Maureen said, helping her father into the armchair. "It could be anyone."

"The bastard already killed two and injured one from SVU – what are the chances they're someone else?" he choked.

Grabbing the phone, Maureen called Olivia's cell repeatedly but it just went to voicemail and she left messages each time. She tried Fin's but the result was the same. Their phones had been abandoned in the car so as not to set off any unexploded devices on the scene. She called the precinct but Don was out at the scene and no one could confirm or deny the media reports.

"This is fucking shit," he yelled as Maureen replaced the receiver. "You'd think someone could fucking tell me something!"

"We'll hear soon, I'm sure," she said, trying to soothe her father.

"Sure … she could be lying dead somewhere and they'll get around to telling us soon," he said, getting up and reaching for his keys.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asked, jumping up and standing in his way.

"To find Liv," he said, trying to side step her.

"No way!" Maureen exclaimed. "You are not allowed to go anywhere – you just had your treatment, dad."

"Fuck the treatment and any rules that go with it!" he growled. "I don't care what Connie says."

"Do you care what Liv says, dad?" she asked with tears in her eyes. "Don't you think she'll be incredibly pissed if you turn up like this when she's at work?"

It was enough to deflate Elliot's bravado.

"God, Mo… I just need to know," he said, scrubbing his hand across his face.

"I know, I know," she soothed, hugging him.

"I can't lose her … I can't beat this without her," he whispered into her hair.

"You're not going to lose her," she replied. "But you will be in her bad books if you don't go back to bed –is that what you want?"

"No, of course not," he replied, struggling to keep upright now the adrenalin was waning.

"You go lay down and I'll keep trying to get Liv and I'll wake you the minute I know, okay?" she said, steering him towards the door.

"Promise?" he asked, knowing he couldn't fight the fatigue anymore and hating himself for it.

"I promise."

Hours later, with nothing else they could do at the scene and with her clothes covered in the residue from the explosion and the aftermath, Olivia asked Fin to drive by her place so she could change. Exhausted by the hours spent in the rubble, Olivia didn't have the energy to think of anyone else and leant her head against the window. But as she did her thoughts turned to Elliot – at least he knew she was fine and she hoped he was too, after the last treatment in this cycle.

"Going out to Queens tonight to see Elliot?" Fin asked breaking into the silence.

"Yeah, after we finish up. Wanna come?" she asked, needing to see Elliot but not wanting to face Kathy on her own.

"Sure," he grinned, pulling up outside her apartment.

"Help yourself to a drink," she instructed Fin as she went to put the key in the lock. "I won't be long." It surprised them both when the door opened for them.

"Maureen!" she exclaimed. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"Oh god, Liv, are you okay? I've been so worried," she gushed hugging her tightly.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," she reassured her. "How long have you been here?"

"Since about ten thirty," she said, moving to let them both into the apartment. "As soon as Connie finished I packed dad up and brought him here - it's where he wanted to be and … well, I know what mom said to you the other night, Liv, and I'm so sorry."

"Not your fault," she sighed, hugging her again. Then it struck her, if they had been there from ten thirty, then Kathy would have known that when she spoke to her at one. And if Maureen had been worried then…

"Did your mom call you here this afternoon?" she asked slowly.

"No," Maureen shook her head. "Why?"

"I left a message at the house to say we were fine … she should have passed it on," Olivia said, her dislike for the woman escalating dramatically.

"No, she didn't," Maureen reiterated.

"Does that mean your dad…" she began.

Maureen nodded slowly. "He thought that woman was you and I tried and tried to get hold of you but …"

Before Maureen could continue, Elliot staggered out of the bedroom looking ill and totally confused.

**Don't forget to review! I have a magic figure in mind to reach before I update again - Let's see how long it takes to get there!**

**The last chapter of the first instalment of Death of a Child is up.**


	26. Chapter 26

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**My diagnosis has been changed from Labryinthitus (sorry to those who googled it) to Benign Paro****xysmal Positional Vertigo (BPPV). It can be debilitating but is not a serious condition. Thankfully, with treatment, I continue to improve and it seems this episode is subsiding. Thanks to all those who sent messages and get well wishes.**

**Now, because I don't want to be a drama-llama (thanks Pix) and because I don't think a few of you can wait much longer - here's the update.**

**.**

**.**

**From the last chapter**

"Did your mom call you here this afternoon?" she asked slowly.

"No," Maureen shook her head. "Why?"

"I left a message at the house to say we were fine … she should have passed it on," Olivia said, her dislike for the woman escalating dramatically.

"No, she didn't," Maureen reiterated.

"Does that mean your dad…" she began.

Maureen nodded slowly. "He thought that woman was you and I tried and tried to get hold of you but …"

Before Maureen could continue, Elliot staggered out of the bedroom looking ill and totally confused.

...EO...

.

Ch 26

Olivia ran to him, grabbing hold as he stumbled past the armchair.

"I'm okay, Elliot," she said, wrapping him in her arms tightly. "I'm okay – I'm okay."

"But… explosion … killed," he muttered into her hair, as he grabbed onto her. His tears spilling down his face in frustration and confusion.

"No, baby, I wasn't even there," she soothed, trying to dry his tears. "I'm okay!" Olivia repeatedly told him she was fine but it didn't seem to improve his understanding of the situation.

"Mo, when's the last time he ate or drank anything?" she questioned, looking over at Maureen who was in tears at her father's distress.

"No idea, Liv," she replied. "He hasn't eaten today and I doubt mom made him yesterday."

"Livvy, are you really okay?" he questioned again, his blue eyes bright with more tears.

"I am, really I am," she reassured him, kissing his head. "But you're not. You haven't been eating or drinking enough. Your blood sugar is really low and you're dehydrated – that's why you're so confused."

"Not hungry," he replied, resting his head on her shoulder.

"I know," she accepted, gently rubbing his back. "But you still have to eat. Mo will make you some eggs. Boiled or scrambled?"

"Liv, I…" he began to protest.

"Boiled or scrambled?" she repeated firmly. "You have to do this for me, baby."

"Okay, scrambled," he conceded wearily.

.

When Maureen had departed for the kitchen, Elliot stepped back and took in Olivia's dishevelled appearance; his panic set in once more.

"Elliot, El, baby," she soothed, holding onto his face. "I'm okay – this was from helping others. I promise you I'm okay. Fin had my back - " she said, gesturing to where Fin still stood, just inside the door. "I was safe, he'd never let anything hurt me."

For the first time, Elliot realised that Fin was actually in the room. His focus having been so centred on Olivia he hadn't registered anything else. Unsteadily, he moved around the sofa to him and grabbed him in a huge bear hug.

"Thanks, man," he repeated again and again as Fin supported his weight.

"You're welcome, Elliot," he replied, patting him on the back. "She's okay, I promised you I'd take care of her and I am – just relax now. Just relax!"

Whether it was the stress of the whole episode, the effects of the treatment or the lack of anything substantial in his system, Elliot struggled to accept that the woman standing before him with ash on her face and in her hair, her shirt blackened and torn, a streak of blood across her stomach and pants ripped was okay.

Turning from Fin, he looked her over from head to toe, shaking his head at her insistence that she was unscathed from the whole episode and cursing himself for not being there.

"I'm so sorry, Liv, I shoulda been there – I shoulda been there to protect you – you shouldn'ta been hurt," he rambled as she moved to him.

"You were right where you should have been," she reassured him. "Fin had my back …"

"Look!" he exclaimed, pulling on her shirt. "You're hurt … I should been there."

"I'm not hurt …"

There was no winning this argument with Elliot in the state he was. In complete frustration she ripped opened the tattered blouse and pulled it off. "Look, El," she said, turning around. Not knowing where to look himself, Fin's eyes darted from the floor to the ceiling before he turned away altogether.

"You're not hurt," Elliot finally accepted, tenderly touching her undamaged flesh. "You're really okay."

"Yeah," she grinned – he finally got it.

.

Carrying a huge tray into the living room, Maureen moved to the coffee table. "Scrambled eggs on toast and orange juice all 'round," she announced. "And maybe a jacket for Liv," she laughed, tossing Olivia her jacket from the sofa.

"Thanks, Mo," she smiled, pulling on Maureen's jacket. "Sorry, Fin," she apologised as he turned back slowly; she hadn't even considered him being there.

"Now," Maureen continued, ushering Elliot to the sofa. "Everyone's going to eat and no excuses."

To Olivia and Maureen's relief, Elliot ate everything and even asked for a second juice which pleased them immensely. As the food and fluid entered his system he began feeling better almost immediately, although the evening's episode had left him exhausted.

After thanking Fin once again, Olivia walked him into the bedroom and watched as he climbed into bed.

"Now," she said, shrugging off the jacket and grabbing a shirt of her own from the closet. "I've gotta go in … we have enquiries to make and a mountain …"

"Don't go," Elliot said, sitting up once more.

"I have to, baby," she replied, sitting down facing him.

"No," he replied, taking her shirt and tossing it to the end of the bed.

"Elliot, Don…" she began but stopped when she saw his tears. "What is it?"

"I thought you were dead," he said, dropping his head. "Thought I'd lost you … I can't lose you, Livia," he said, raising his head and searching her eyes. "I can't do this without you."

"You haven't lost me," she reassured him, as he hugged her tightly. "I'm right here."

"Don't go, please, don't go," he pleaded into her hair. "I can't explain it… I need you …please!"

.

Trying to do the right thing by Elliot and by Don, Olivia tried to compromise. "What if I stay til you fall asleep, baby?"

"No, all night – stay with me," he growled. "You said you'd stay the other night but I woke up at midnight and you were gone – you promised you'd stay but you didn't and I didn't see you yesterday and today … I thought…"

Enough was enough, Olivia thought, as he pulled her down onto the bed with him. The man had been through enough this week and after everything Kathy had put them both through, she decided his needs outweighed everything else. "Okay, baby, okay," she soothed, kissing his cheek. "I'll stay."

There was a quiet rap on the door before Fin hesitantly opened it.

"Ah, Liv," he said reluctantly, as she pulled the covers over her bra clad torso, he didn't need to see it twice in one day. "Cragen called – we've got a job…"

Olivia shook her head. "Sorry, Fin – I'm not leaving him tonight, I can't. Can you call Cragen and tell him I'm sorry and I'll be back in at midday tomorrow – if I still have a job – but I can't do it tonight?"

"Okay, Livvy," he conceded. "Hope things are better in the morning."

When Fin had gone, Olivia stood up and spread the covers over Elliot.

"You are staying, aren't you?" he asked quietly.

"Sure am, El, but first I am going to get rid of these…" she said pulling at her pants. "And have a shower … then I'll check on Mo and then I am coming to sleep with you – all night."

For the first time all week, Elliot smiled.

.

It was of no surprise to Olivia that Elliot was asleep by the time she left the bathroom; she smiled wearily at the contented expression on his face.

Slipping on her robe, she noted it had just gone eight as she headed out to speak to Maureen.

"I'm so glad you're staying," Maureen said, moving her feet so Olivia could sit on the sofa with her.

"Me too," she replied, plopping down next to her. "Thank you for bringing him here… don't know if I could have gone back to your mom's."

"I'm really sorry about my mother," Maureen whispered. "She had no right to say what she did…"

"Let's not talk about it now," Olivia sighed. "I really don't have the energy."

"Okay," she conceded. "Just know we kids all love you."

"I love you guys too," she said, slumping into the backrest.

Maureen went to speak again but dithered for a moment.

"What is it?" Olivia asked.

"Are you really staying the whole night?" she questioned, looking towards the bedroom.

"Sure am," she smiled. "Why?"

"Some of the people from work were meeting up for drinks at Rollins at nine … thought maybe I'd go, if it's alright with you," she replied.

"Fine by me… special occasion?" she asked, dragging her exhausted body into a standing position.

"Yeah, a farewell," she replied, standing up too.

"Who's?" asked Olivia, turning off the television.

"Mine!"

.

For several long moments Olivia studied the younger woman.

"Yours?" she questioned. "What happened?"

"Well, it's a long story," she sighed. "I wanted one thing, the boss didn't agree and that was that."

"Why? What happened?" she asked, taking her hand.

"After everything on Wednesday night, I knew you wouldn't go back to Queens and I knew dad needed you and to be here more than anything… I asked my boss for some flexibility – you know, reduced hours, or working from home, unpaid leave – went through all the options and he flat out refused… so I quit," she said, without any remorse.

"You quit!" Olivia gulped. "So your dad could come home?"

"Yeah," she smiled.

Words failing her, Olivia embraced Maureen long and hard. "Thank you," she repeated again and again, until the reality of the situation struck her.

"What are you going to do though? For money?" she asked.

"I have some savings and I'll find something part time or at least more flexible – I know Captain Cragen needs you at work given your replacements were … well, killed… but I'll be fine," she answered.

"You will be," Olivia confirmed. "We'll sit down in the morning and organise it properly but your dad and I will pay your rent and bills – or if you want you can move into his place, he pays for it anyway… and we'll pay for your car because you'll be using that a lot and…"

"No, Liv," Maureen interrupted. "He's my father and I don't need my bills paid."

"You'll get them paid anyway and what do you think, 200 dollars a week…" she continued.

"No way, Liv," she interjected. "As I said…"

"Your father is going to be so touched you have done this for him and feel so bad you are in this position – so if we sort out this financial stuff and he knows you are not struggling, then he'll be happy," she said, squeezing Maureen's hand. "So, the apartment, car and 200 dollars…"

"100, if that," Maureen countered. "Liv, I don't want your money – really."

"I know … but please, just say yes, don't let us argue about it … please," she pleaded.

"Okay," she nodded. "Okay."

.

With a huge sense of relief that Elliot would be able to stay at the place he considered home with someone who loved him, Olivia crawled into bed beside him and watched as he instantly turned towards her.

"Livia," he mumbled, stretching out his arms.

"I'm right here, baby," she replied, scooting into his arms and resting her head on his shoulder.

"Shoulda called me today, Livia," he muttered, pulling her close. "Shoulda let me know you were okay…"

"I did, El," she replied. "Left a message at the house, didn't know you'd come back here." She didn't want to get into the whole Kathy thing now.

"Shoulda told me," he mumbled again. "Thought I'd lost you – can't lose you, Liv."

"Never gonna lose me, Elliot. Never gonna happen!"

When Elliot woke the next morning, he was surprised to find Olivia sleeping soundly in his arms. Gently, he leant down and kissed her forehead, before easing her hair away from her face; he loved her with long hair. Closing his eyes for a moment or two, he tried to put the pieces of the last few days together – all he was getting was segments and none of it made a whole lot of sense.

Feeling Olivia start to stir, he kissed her once more and was rewarded by a sweet, sleepy grin which made him fall in love with her even more.

"Morning, Livia," he whispered, kissing her nose.

"Hey there, babe," she yawned. "Sleep well?"

"Always do when you're here," he smiled, as she adjusted herself in his arms.

"Me too," she agreed, reaching up to kiss him. "You look a lot better this morning. How do you feel?"

"Okay," he nodded. "A bit confused about the last few days but…"

"That, Elliot," she began, sitting up. "Is because you haven't been eating and drinking enough and…" she put her hand up "…before you say you didn't feel like it, you need to do it anyway. Otherwise it's harder for you to recover from the treatments, you lose your energy and you become confused and disorientated."

"I know what you're saying is right, Liv," he began slowly. "But it's just hard."

"I know… but I have to go to work and I have to know you're going to be alright here," she replied, hugging him.

"Is Don any closer to getting replacements?" he asked, his fingers crossed under the covers for a positive response.

"Not yet," she sighed. "He keeps apologising about it but …"

"I know," he conceded. "It can't be helped."

.

Moving, so she was resting on top of him, Olivia ran her fingers down his cheek.

"Love you so much," she whispered, kissing him lightly.

"Love you too," he replied and pulled her down to kiss her more deeply. It never got that far as Maureen knocked on the door.

"Sorry to interrupt," she began as the door opened. "But Fin just called, Liv, and he'll be here in twenty minutes – he said he knows it's only ten but couldn't hold Don off any longer."

"Okay, thanks," she replied, sitting up next to Elliot.

"What does that mean?" Elliot asked, sitting up next to her.

"I told Fin yesterday I wasn't going in to midday and to tell Don – he probably didn't, just tried to buy me some time," she replied, resting her head on his shoulder. "Guess I better get ready."

"When will you be back?" he asked, trying not to sound clingy but needing to know.

"As soon as I can, baby," she reassured him with a quick kiss. "Now, you make sure you behave yourself for Maureen. I don't want to hear you're not eating or drinking, okay?" she warned gently.

"Yes, ma'am," he groaned. "You do realise I don't need a babysitter."

"Yes, I realise that," she admitted. "But I do think you need someone here who loves you and is looking out for you, don't you?"

Elliot looked from Olivia to his eldest daughter who was still standing in the doorway.

"Yeah, I do," he conceded. "How did I get so lucky to have you both in my life?"

**Don't forget to review! **


	27. Chapter 27

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

With her duty done, her paperwork completed, and a promise from Don he wouldn't call her in again until Tuesday, Olivia arrived home early afternoon on Sunday. Maureen was sitting on the sofa reading with the stereo on low.

"Hey, Liv," she greeted, standing up and moving towards her. "You look exhausted."

"Hi, Mo, I feel it. I think I could sleep for a week." She yawned, emphasising her point.

"Why don't you go take a nap?" she suggested, gesturing towards the bedroom. "Unless you want me to get you something to eat first?"

"Is your dad asleep?" she asked, heading towards her room.

"No, he's actually out with Dickie and Lizzie," she smiled. "They came by and told him they were taking him to lunch and if he refused they'd tell you."

"That's nice of them," she replied, smiling wearily. "How was he feeling?"

"Pretty good, better than yesterday and definitely better than Friday," she answered.

"And how are the twins?" she asked with another yawn.

"They're good too and they were hoping to see you when they got back," she said, "But they'll still be another couple of hours. So why don't you go shower, while I get you some lunch and then you can sleep til they get in."

Turning around, Olivia leant on her door, a smile dancing across her face.

"You know, you're supposed to be here looking after your dad, not me," she said.

"It's a two for one deal," Maureen replied. "Besides, keeping you fit and healthy will be looking after dad, he relies on you so much ..." she paused.

"What is it, Mo?" she asked, padding back to her.

"I thought it was because he was sick … that he needed you so much, but the more I've thought about it the more I realised that it's been your whole partnership," she said, nervously. "And in that time, I don't know who you've had to depend on. So, I'm here to make sure you both are taken care on – my little contribution to the family."

Without words to express her emotions, Olivia hugged Maureen tightly.

"Thank you," she whispered. There had never been anyone who was just there for her, it felt strange but good, something she could get used to.

.

An hour or so later, the chatter coming down the hallway told Maureen her peaceful afternoon was over. Glancing at the clock she realised Olivia had only been asleep an hour and certainly needed more.

"Sssh," she whispered, while opening the door. "You've got to be quiet."

"Why?" asked Dickie in an equally hushed tone.

"Because Liv's asleep and needs a little longer," she replied and Elliot smiled widely. The only thing better than coming home and coming home to Olivia – was coming home to Olivia in bed. "How are you feeling, dad?"

"A bit tired, actually," he yawned. "I think these two exhausted me."

Lizzie laughed as she entered the apartment. "This sudden 'tiredness' would have nothing to do with the fact that Liv's in bed, would it?" she teased, an eyebrow raised.

"No," he lied.

"Sure," she grinned. "Not five minutes ago you said how good you felt."

"I was … now I'm tired," he said, grinning.

"Well, can we hang out and watch a movie or something til Liv wakes up?" Dickie asked, throwing his jacket on the sofa.

"Sure," he said, nodding. "Just keep it down low."

.

Five minutes later, Elliot was in his blue sweats and white beater and was lying alongside Olivia. Not wanting to disturb her but wanting her in his arms, he shifted and manoeuvred gently until she slipped into his arms, her head resting on his chest. Only then did he start to relax.

Meanwhile, Dickie had chosen the DVD and put it in the player.

"What are we watching?" Maureen asked, coming from the kitchen with drinks and popcorn.

"Wolverine," said Lizzie rolling her eyes.  
"Well, you chose last time," he retorted loudly.

"Hey!' Maureen hissed, tilting her head to the closed bedroom door.

"Sorry!" they replied in unison.

The end credits were rolling on the movie when there was a brisk rap on the door.

"Kathleen!" Maureen exclaimed. "We weren't expecting you."

"Mom said you were all here and we need to talk," she said, quite nervously.

"What about?" asked Dickie, turning in the armchair.

"Where's dad?" Kathleen asked, scanning the apartment.

"Asleep," Lizzie replied. "And so is Liv."

"Oh okay," she nodded, moving to the sofa.

.

When they were all seated, the focus was on Kathleen but she wasn't saying much.

"What are we talking about?" Maureen asked, picking up her drink.

"I found out something today and I think the people involved should know but I don't know if I should say it as I don't want to upset them – again," she began looking at her feet.

"We're gonna be here forever if you talk in riddles," sighed Dickie. "Just tell us."

Kathleen dipped her hand into her bag and retrieved a small tape cassette, and a matching player.

"I borrowed this from Cassie," she said, holding up the player. "Because you need to hear this."

"What is it?" asked Lizzie moving closer to Maureen.

"Well, you know when I spoke to you yesterday, Mo, you said how upset dad had been Friday … because of Liv and that she said she'd left a message…" she began.

"Yeah," Maureen nodded. "When I asked mom she said I must have misunderstood what Liv said and she must have left a message on the machine … mom said she hadn't spoken to her and if she had there was no way she wouldn't have let dad know…"

"Listen…" Kathleen said, pressing play.

_**Message received Friday at 1:06 PM**_

_**"Kathy, it's Olivia. There's been a development in the Lamberti case and there was an explosion, Fin and I are fine – we weren't even there. But it will be all over the news and I don't want Elliot to worry."**_

_**"I'll pass on the message, Olivia."**_

"She knew… at one o'clock, she knew Olivia was alright –at one!" Maureen seethed. "She let him stress for at least five hours … You should have see him – he was dehydrated and had low blood sugar and was so confused…" Tears filled her eyes; tears of pain at her father's anguish, tears of anger at her mother's spite.

"Does she hate him so much?" Lizzie asked, holding onto Maureen's hand. "I mean, what mom said to Liv on Wednesday was just horrendous … and now this …" she continued.

"What did she say on Wednesday?" Kathleen asked and Lizzie looked at Maureen, she couldn't answer.

"Well," Maureen started, in hushed tones, before informing her sister of the inglorious details of the night. And even though she had also said horrible things about Olivia, the day she found out her father had cancer, she hated her mother for her words.

"What are we going to do?" asked Dickie and the girls all looked at each other, there was no easy answer.

.

"Mmm," Olivia murmured as she repositioned herself in Elliot's arms. Smiling, when she was awake enough to realise it was really him and not just an old fantasy. "Missed you, baby," she mumbled, not knowing whether he was awake or not.

"Missed you too, baby," he replied, kissing her temple. "How long do I have you for?" he asked.

"Til Tuesday!" she grinned, moving to lay on top of him.

"Really?" he grinned.

"Really!" she confirmed. "Don't have to go in til Tuesday morning."

"Good," he sighed. "I like the idea of just us."

"I like the idea of just us too…" she trailed.

For a few moments Elliot studied her – he knew there was something else coming and wasn't sure if he wanted to hear it. Finally, he decided he needed to know.

"But?" he prompted, caressing her face.

"But what?" she asked, smiling.

"I just thought you were going to say you liked the idea of us …but…" he began, hoping she'd continue.

"You know me so well, don't you?" she said, brushing her lips across his.

"I'd like to think so," he grinned. "What's the but?"

"Well, you know how last week was a bit of a problem with me having to work and no one being here …" she began and watched as he nodded. "There are new arrangements in place so it won't happen again."

"And what are they?" he asked, more nervous than curious.

"Well, Maureen will be here when I'm not, that way you can stay here full time and not have to worry about waking up elsewhere. How does that sound?" she asked enthusiastically.

"Sounds great to me," he grinned, but then reality dawned. "But what about her job? Can she get the time off?"

"She has all the time off she needs," Olivia replied.

"That was good of her boss," he nodded. "I never really liked the man, always seemed so anal. I'll have to change my thinking."

"Um, no, you won't – not really," she said slowly. "He wouldn't be flexible at all, so Mo quit."

"She quit! For me? Mo quit her job to look after me?" he said in disbelief and watched as Olivia nodded. "But she can't … she shouldn't…"  
'It's all done and Mo is very happy about it – she wasn't really happy there and …" she began to explain.

"But how will she cope … financially?" he quizzed. "We need to give her…"

"El, honey, relax. I didn't like the fact she quit either but she doesn't consider giving up her job to be here for you a sacrifice and we can't make her feel bad about it," she explained, squeezing his hand.

'But, Liv, it's tough out there – economically…" he began.

"I told her we'd pay her rent and bills – or she could move into your place, as we're paying for it anyway, and we'd pay for her car…" she said, quietly.

"And living expenses, we should …" he started once more.

"A hundred dollars a week," Olivia supplied.

"Is that enough?" he questioned. "Her shoes can be that much alone."

"I said two hundred but she said one, so we'll just see how it goes, okay?" she said.

"Okay, thank you… you're amazing," he said, smiling. "When did all this happen?"

"Friday," she said.

.

For a while there was silence until Elliot spoke once more.

"I think I missed out on a few things last week, Olivia," he said, turning to face her. "What happened between you and Kathy?"

"Why do you think something happened?" she countered.

"Well, one, you just answered a question with a question – and we know what that means. And two, the twins alluded to something but I couldn't quite figure it out."

.

Before Olivia could answer the intercom sounded and she went to climb out of bed.

"The kids will get it," he said, following her and stopping her from opening the bedroom door. "Why won't you tell me?"

"I will tell you – just not right now," she replied, opening the door slightly.

"_Olivia_," he rumbled. "What are you trying to hide? What happened?"

She went to answer 'nothing' but they both heard the apartment door open and Maureen greeting her mother. Elliot caught the look on Olivia's face before she could look away.

"I'll ask you one more time … what – did – _she – _do?" he growled low and deliberately.

.

It was Dickie's loud voice which turned their attention away from their own conversation.

"Why are you even here, mom?" he questioned, his disdain for his mother clear in his voice.

"I thought I'd pick you up, save you from getting the train," Kathy replied, happily.

"Should have saved yourself the trouble," Lizzie replied with contempt.

"What's going on here?" Kathy asked, looking at her four children.

.

Elliot went to leave the bedroom, wanting to figure this out too, but Olivia stopped him; this scene needed to play out.

.

When no one else spoke Kathleen cleared her throat.

"Well, everyone already thinks I'm the bitch in the family so I'll do it," she said, looking from her mother to Maureen. "Mom, we know what you did last week – to Liv and to dad…"

"What did I do?" Kathy scoffed.

"You were incredibly rude to Olivia on Wednesday night and that's what made her leave…" Kathleen continued.

.

"Is that right?" Elliot whispered; Olivia nodded.

.

"Is that what Olivia told you?" Kathy laughed.

"And then on Friday, you knew she was okay – she phoned the house and left a message …" Kathleen began.

"And she probably did on the machine– why are you taking her word against mine?" she asked in disbelief looking at her children.

.

Olivia bristled, wanting nothing more than to go out and throttle her. Elliot held her closer.

.

"You are such a bitch, mom," Kathleen spat. "Now I know where I get it from!"

"How dare you call me that?!" she retorted, her eyes wide and wild.

"You told Liv that dad only had pity sex with her, that she was pathetic and that he was only with her for all those years for the pay packet," she yelled, forgetting they were supposed to stay quiet.

"Oh, is that what she told you?" Kathy snarled.

"No, it's what I told them, I heard you," Lizzie answered, tears running down her face. "How could you, mom?"

.

"That's why you left," Elliot said, turning Olivia to face him, his hands clasping her shoulders tightly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You weren't in any state to understand me, El…" she said, her eyes bright with tears.

"I'm gonna sort her…" he began but Kathleen's yelling interrupted, and Olivia held him in place.

.

"…YOU spoke to Olivia. YOU knew dad was already here and YOU knew that she was okay but YOU let him go on for hours not knowing whether she was the female cop that was killed!"

"I did no…" she began in her own defence but Dickie cut her off.

"Don't even bother, mom," he growled, picking up the device and playing the tape.

.

It was the last straw, for Elliot.

Storming from the bedroom, he couldn't keep his anger in check. Not for what Kathy had put him through, that was bad enough, but for what she'd said to Olivia.

"Who the hell do you think you are, Kathy? You have absolutely no right to speak to Olivia like that – _ever_. I never realised just how spiteful and vindictive you are," he yelled before taking a breath and seeing the stunned faces of his children. "There is so much I thought I wanted to say to you," he growled. "But you know what? You're just not worth it. Get out of _my_ home and never, and I mean NEVER, come back!"

It took moments for Kathy's shock at his words to absorb and then the tears started. "El, you have to know…"

"I just have to know you're out of my life – get out!" he interjected.

Kathy looked at her youngest three who she had intended taking home with her. "Are you going to come with me?" she asked weakly.

Lizzie shook her head, her tears still falling. Dickie slumped into the armchair, not even looking at her. Kathleen moved towards her mother.

"So, you're coming home?" she asked quietly. Hoping her actions hadn't cost her the entire family.

"No, mom, I'm just closing the door behind you."

**.**

**Don't forget to review! Let's see if we can get to 700 with this one........puhlease.....**


	28. Chapter 28

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**AN: As you were all so good, reviewing quickly, and as we reached 700 reviews - and 100 alerts (though lots of those don't review - hint, hint), I'm updating now. **

After the latch caught on the door, there was a moment or two of silence, save for Lizzie's quiet sobbing. Maureen moved and held her tight, stroking her head and whispering to her. Dickie sat almost motionless on the sofa, trying not to give in to the tears he was battling. Elliot looked at Olivia and saw the distress and pain on her face, the moment he caught her eye, her tears cascaded. Before he could get to her, Kathleen ran across the room and hugged her tightly.

"I'm sorry, Liv, I'm so, so sorry. Please forgive me," she sobbed into Olivia's shoulder. "I should never have said those things about you… I didn't mean it… I … I…God, I'm so sorry."

"Hey, hey, Kat," Olivia soothed, pulling her close. "Ssh, it's okay, it's okay."

"No, no, it's not," she choked, pulling back. "Dad loves you so much and you are the best thing for him and I should never have said those things – sometimes I just can't help myself … and I never realised just how hurtful it was … until I heard what mom said to you and … and …"

"Breathe, honey," she soothed, stroking Kathleen's wet and reddened face. "Breathe, or you'll make yourself sick."

"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you … to you and dad… anything? I'll cook for you or clean or… or… run errands or … god, I don't know- I'll do anything…anything," she cried. Olivia pulled her back in tight as Elliot came over to them, joining their hug. "I'm so sorry, dad," she sobbed, resting her head on his chest.

"I know, Kathleen. I know," he sighed. He hoped this time she was genuinely sorry and would act accordingly.

When Kathleen had composed herself enough to let go of Olivia and her father, she headed to the bathroom. Wrapping his arms around Olivia, Elliot kissed her head and looked at his other children, trying to figure out just what the hell he was going to do.

"I'm so sorry all this happened, El," Olivia whispered, kissing his cheek.

"Don't you apologise," he growled low in her ear. "You are definitely the last person who needs to apologise. I'm just sorry for what she said to you. You do know none of it's true, don't you?"

Olivia nodded. "I know," she sighed deeply.

"Love you so much," he whispered, caressing her face.

"Love you too. What are we going to do?" she asked with a slight nod towards his children.

"I think we should all go out to dinner, try and relax, then come back here, have an early night and discuss it tomorrow," he said, kissing her head as another tear fell.

"It's Sunday, dad," Dickie said, "What about school tomorrow?"

"You got anything on that you can't miss?" he asked, looking at the twins, then at Kathleen as she sat on the arm of the sofa.

"No," they replied.

"Well, you can give it a miss then. I think sorting all this out is more important and … I also think we're all a bit too distressed to do this today, don't you think?" he asked, looking back at Olivia; she bit her lip and nodded.

Regardless of Elliot's intention, dinner at the local Chinese restaurant was a rather sombre affair. No one really seemed to have anything to say and nor were they eating much.

"Come on, guys," he finally said, slumping back in his chair. "This is not end of the world stuff. We'll deal with it tomorrow and it will be okay."

"How can you be so sure, dad?" Dickie asked, playing with his chopsticks.

"Because, I said so," he replied, in his most fatherly tone, adding a wink. "Besides," he continued, grabbing the last spring roll. "I'm hungry but I'm not going to eat if you all aren't – and I know you won't let that to happen," he added, smiling at Olivia.

Soon there was a low level chatter and clearing of plates. He knew he shouldn't guilt them into things by using his illness, but, right now, he was fresh out of ideas.

By the time Elliot slipped into bed behind a motionless Olivia, his children had been bedded down for the night. Dickie was on the sofa, Lizzie and Maureen were sharing the guest room and Kathleen was on the fold out sofa bed in the study.

"I know you're not asleep, Livia," he whispered, kissing the back of her head.

"Never said I was," she replied, her voice thick with emotion. Slipping his arm around her waist, he tried to roll her to him but she refused to move.

"Liv," he called, "Turn over."

"No," she answered. "I'm tired, just let me sleep."

"I will, in a minute," he promised. "I just want to know you're alright."

"I'm alright," she sighed, as more tears dropped onto her pillow.

Climbing out, Elliot walked around the bed and knelt down beside her so he could be face to face with her.

"People who are alright don't cry," he soothed, stroking her head. "Please, talk to me."

"Elliot, honestly, I'm okay – I'm just really tired and emotional … As you said to the kids, tonight's not the best night to be discussing these things…" she replied, closing her eyes as more tears fell.

"Okay, okay," he cooed, leaning in to kiss her forehead, he knew she'd been through a lot and didn't want to push her. "If I get back into bed and promise not to talk anymore, will you let me hold you?" She nodded.

Slipping back into bed, Olivia rolled straight into him, wrapping her arm tightly around his middle as her head rested above his heart. Wrapping his arms tightly around her, he kissed her head repeatedly as he listened to her gentle sobs.

"Liv…" he ventured quietly.

"No talking," she whispered. "You promised."

"Okay, okay," he conceded. "Just wanted to say I love you very much, Livia."

"Love you too."

Well after Olivia had cried herself to sleep, Elliot lay awake thinking. He knew she'd been doing it tough lately, between him, the job and Kathy, and as an additional issue she was sleep deprived, still he'd never seen her so emotional and it broke his heart.

Noises from outside the bedroom door disrupted his thoughts and quietly he got out of bed, being careful not to wake Olivia, and slipped on his robe. Stopping in the living room, he watched as Dickie turned on the sofa, before grumbling and punching his pillow.

"Aren't you comfortable?" he asked his son, surprising him.

"I thought you were asleep, dad," he said, rolling back to face him.

"No, not yet, I heard noises …" he began to explain.

"Wasn't me," Dickie yawned. "Must have been one of the girls."

"How are you doing with everything?" he asked, sitting by his son's legs.

"Alright, I guess," he sighed. "Be better if Liz would stop crying…"

"She's taking this hard, isn't she?" he replied, his hand resting on Dickie's knee.

"Yeah, she's been really easily upset since you got diagnosed," he admitted, "And then when she overheard mom on Wednesday she's been crying every night."

"Okay," he said, standing. "I'll let you try and get some sleep."

"Dad…" he began but then paused.

"What is it?" he asked coming back to him.

"I know I don't say this enough, but I love you," he said, "And I love Liv too."

Sitting back down beside him, Elliot embraced Dickie tightly.

"I love you too, son," he replied, kissing his head.

"And I don't want you to die," he whispered, through the lump in his throat.

"I'm not going to die," Elliot said adamantly.

"You better not, because I don't think any of us would handle it," he added, as Elliot kissed his head once more.

"I'm going to be around for a long time yet, Dickie," he reassured him.

"I hate mom so much right now," he admitted, pulling away from his dad.

"We'll talk about your mom tomorrow," he sighed, "When we can think a little more clearly."

"Okay, night, dad," he said, hugging and kissing his father once more.

"Night, son."

.

After Dickie had settled, Elliot padded to the study and rapped softly on the door. Hearing no reply, he gently eased the door open and watched as Kathleen sat up.

"What's wrong, dad?" she asked, switching on the lamp and rubbing her eyes.

"Nothing's wrong, Kat. I was just checking you were okay," he said, sitting on her bed.

"I'm okay," she nodded. "Just really sorry this is all happening. How could mom be such a bitch?"

"Don't call her that," Elliot sighed.

"Are you defending her?" Kathleen asked, surprised.

"No, not in the least, but she is your mother and you could probably find a better way to express it," he yawned, fatigue taking its toll.

"I think it's the most appropriate word," she said, falling back onto the bed. "And I'm just like her – aren't I?"

Elliot scrubbed a hand over his face; he was too tired to deal with this now. "There have been a few things that … well, haven't been your finest moments."

"Like when you tried to tell me you were sick?" she asked.

"Yeah, like then," he agreed.

"I'm so sorry it happened, dad. Honestly, I am," she said, grabbing hold of his hand.

"I'm sorry, too," he sighed. "But what's done is done…and now we have to deal with this mess."

"Is Olivia okay?" she asked, sitting up again. "She looked as if she was going to cry all night."

"Well, she cried herself to sleep, so hopefully she'll be feeling a little better tomorrow," he admitted, standing up. "Speaking of tomorrow, time to sleep."

"You know I'm not a kid anymore, dad," she replied, standing up to hug him.

"Yeah, I know," he replied, kissing her head. "Goodnight, Kat."

"Goodnight, dad, love you."

"Love you too."

.

Closing the door behind him, Elliot leaned heavily on it, recent events clearly taking their toll. Despite the desire for sleep and to be back with Olivia, he decided to continue his mission and check on his last two daughters in the guest room. When he opened the door, there was only his youngest, and she was not asleep.

"Baby girl, why are you still awake?" he asked, moving to her and straightening the covers.

"Just thinking," she mumbled, turning away from him so he wouldn't see her tears.

"About?" he asked, sitting down by her.

"The 4th of July we spent at Uncle Joe's, when we were about nine … you remember?" she asked, turning to face him.

"Vaguely," he answered. "Why are you thinking about it now?"

"Because if you think about it, it's probably the last holiday we were all together and happy," she said as her tears trickled once more.

"What do you mean?" he asked, pulling her to him.

"Well, there was you and mom and you were getting along, and the four of us kids were there and we had such a great time – after that Mo was at college, or Kat had other plans or you and mom weren't getting along – but it was such a great holiday – and now look at us," she whispered, holding onto him.

"We can't go back in time, Lizzie," he said gently, kissing her head.

"I know," she sobbed. "But it was nice to have a proper family and now…now…" she gulped before stopping altogether.

"Now, what, Liz?" he asked, tilting her face up to his.

"Now, Mo has her own place and job and we don't get to see her much … Kat's still at home, when she wants to be, but can make things difficult … I don't want anything to do with mom … and I've got Dickie – so that's something," she replied, trying to control her breathing.

"And what about me?" he asked, his eyes now as cloudy as hers.

.

For several long moments she stared at him, twice she opened her mouth but couldn't bring herself to say the words.

"Whatever it is…just say it," he encouraged quietly.

"I love Liv … and I don't want to lose her and after what mom said I'm worried that she won't want anything to do with us ever again," she said, playing with her father's sleeve.

"Olivia loves you very much, she's not going anywhere, and definitely wants you in her life," he replied, aware she hadn't spoken of him yet.

"She says that now… but what if…" she trailed turning from him. "Forget it."

"No, I won't forget it. But what if, what?" he prompted, pulling her back around to him.

.

Lizzie flung her arms around Elliot.

"I love you, dad," she sobbed into his chest.

"I love you too, baby girl," he replied, kissing her head.

"I don't want you to die," she cried, fisting his robe.

"I'm not going to die," he reassured her.

"But what if you do? Then we've lost you and Liv and everything…" she cried once more.

For a long while he just held her tightly as his own tears spilt down into her hair. Eventually he spoke.

"Lizzie, I'm not planning on dying," he began. "I promise to do everything I can to beat this. But, and it's a big but, if the worst happened, then you wouldn't lose Olivia. She considers you family; she needs you as much as you need her – okay?"

"Okay," she nodded, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"While we're on the topic though, Liz, I want you to promise me something," he began and she nodded quickly. "If I don't beat this thing, then I want you to look after Olivia. Can you do that for me?" She nodded again through her tears.

When Lizzie was composed enough, he kissed her head once more before wishing her goodnight and heading out. Taking a deep breath, he looked towards the kitchen, one more child and one more conversation. He wondered if he could get through this one without more tears but he doubted it.

**.**

**Don't forget to review! Thanks!**


	29. Chapter 29

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**Happy Easter to all those who celebrate. I will update next week...after you've all reviewed of course.**

Slowly, Elliot made his way to the kitchen and found his eldest daughter sitting at the bench with whiskey and ice in the glass in front of her and a distant look on her face.

"Can I get one of those?" he asked, sitting on the stool beside her.

"Are you supposed …" she trailed when she saw his face. "I guess one's not going to do any harm."

Pushing the filled glass in front of him, Maureen sat down once more and picked up her glass.

"To crappy days," she said, raising her glass and clinking it with her father's. "Let there be far less of them."

"Amen," Elliot sighed, before taking a sip. "So, why are you hiding in here?" he asked, placing the glass back on the bench.

"Thought I'd give Liz some time to settle," she replied, swirling the ice in her drink.

"That's good of you," he replied, studying her tired face.

"Not really," she sighed. "I know she can't help it but I just can't cope with the crying at the moment."

"She's really struggling, isn't she?" he said, dejectedly.

'Yeah, she is, poor thing," Maureen said. "She doesn't want to be an orphan."

"What?" Elliot spat. "When did she say that?"

"Thursday night, when she crawled into my bed, and…" she replied, her voice thickening with her tears.

Elliot reached over and took her hand. "Go on," he said quietly.

"She just said she hated mom and would never forgive her, and that she loved Liv but Liv wouldn't want anything to do with her, and she hated to say it but she has this nagging feeling she's going to lose you," Maureen said as her tears fell. "I tried to tell her that it wasn't going to happen and all, but she just cried more. In the end I just held her and told her I'd always be there for her and that seemed to give her some comfort."

"You've had a pretty tough week, haven't you?" he said, shifting his stool closer to hers and wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

"Not as tough as you … or Liv," she sighed, resting her head on his shoulder. "She tell you anything about it?" He shook his head. "Want me to fill you in?" she offered, knowing he needed the details and that, to save him from the pain, Olivia would shelter him.

"Well, when I got here on Wednesday, mom and Kathleen were here and had you all packed up. She said it was all arranged to have you at the house in Queens and …" Maureen went on filling in the details, taking a deep breath each time Elliot's blood boiled and he squeezed her tighter. Fighting the feeling that she was betraying her mother, Maureen told him the truth related to Olivia and her mom, as she knew it. And all the while, Elliot listened.

"She's some piece of work, your mother," he gritted, standing up and hugging his daughter. "No wonder Liv was so upset."

"Well, to be fair, she was already upset Wednesday night, so mom just added to it," she sighed, folding her arms on the bench top and resting her head on them. She was beyond exhausted - physically and emotionally.

"Why was she already upset?" he asked, rubbing Maureen's back. "Because I was in Queens?"

"Yes, and because … well, it doesn't matter," she sighed, standing up and yawning.

Elliot grabbed her hand and stopped her walking past him. "What happened?"

"You did," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears.

"I upset her?" he questioned incredulously.

"Yeah, you didn't mean it, she knew that," Maureen answered, not wanting to explain it fully.

"What did I do?" he asked, trusting that his daughter would be truthful and needing to know the whole story, as much as it killed him.

For a few long moments, Maureen said nothing.

"What did I do?" he asked again, quietly.

"Well, I don't know the entire thing but when I got to the bedroom door you were pleading with Olivia, saying 'Olivia, please stay or take me with you … you said you loved me … you said we're in this together, aren't we?' And Olivia was in tears," she replied, tears sliding down her own cheeks.

Tenderly, Elliot wiped away his daughter's tears before kissing her forehead. "I'm gonna go and talk to Liv, if she'll let me. You going to bed now?"

"Yeah, I'm exhausted," she sighed, wrapping her arm around his waist as they walked out.

"God, I'm glad I have you, honey," he whispered, kissing her head.

"I'm glad I've got you too, dad," she replied, hugging him.

.

With Maureen gone into her bedroom, Elliot headed back to Olivia and gently eased back in behind her wrapping his arm around her waist before kissing her shoulder.

"Kids okay?" she whispered surprising him.

Blowing out a huge breath, he just grunted. 'Okay' wasn't the word to describe the state of his kids but he couldn't think of any alternative.

Concerned by his response, Olivia rolled to face him and threaded her arms around his neck.

"Talk," she quietly ordered, kissing his forehead before settling back and watching him.

"Well, to summarise…Dickie hates Kathy, loves me and doesn't want me to die. Kat thinks Kathy is a bitch, says sorry for what she did and she loves me. Lizzie… well…" he paused as his tears betrayed him and fell against his wishes.

Olivia leant in and kissed them away. Giving him a moment or two to recover, she prompted him once more. "Lizzie?"

"Well, seems like my baby girl thinks she's going to be an orphan…" he ground out, the words hard to say.

"What?" Olivia gasped. "Oh god."

"Yeah, says she hates her mom, doesn't think you will want to have anything to do with them after what Kathy did and thinks I'm going to die…" he managed through his tears.

"Mo?" she whispered, needing to move on, not wanting to think of Lizzie's pain just yet.

"She's exhausted … I think she's doing the best…" he said, resting his forehead on hers.

"She's amazing, isn't she?" Olivia said, smiling, caressing his face. "Just like her daddy."

.

Thinking her comments would soothe him, she was surprised when Elliot seemed even more emotional. "What?" she whispered, stroking his head.

Everything from the past months bubbled up inside him, here he was lying beside the woman he loved and once again, she had put aside whatever she was dealing with to concentrate on him and his issues.

"So sorry, baby," he cried. "For Kathy… for me… for everything … You don't deserve any of the crap…"

"Shhhh," she hushed before pulling him to her. "You have nothing to apologise for."

"But Wednesday … I said things to you I shouldn't have … I know you love me …" he tried to explain.

"And I know you love me," she reassured him.

"But I upset you … Mo told me … I shouldn't have…" he began but she quickly pressed her lips to his.

"El, shhh," she whispered pulling back. "I know you didn't mean it. You weren't thinking straight. Sure, it was hard to hear but I knew you never meant to hurt me."

"So you forgive me?" he asked, his eyes begging for an affirmative response.

"There's no need to forgive you, Elliot," she said, holding him once more.

"Liv …" he started; drawing her to him.

"I forgive you, baby," she offered. Not because there was anything to forgive but because he needed to hear it.

.

Hours later, when dawn had broken too soon, Olivia awoke to find Elliot already up and pacing around the room.

"What's up?" she asked, climbing out of bed as he rounded the end once more.

Pausing momentarily, he looked at her seriously before sidestepping her and continuing to pace. Turning around, Olivia watched him walk to the window before doing an about face and heading back to her. This time, she held her arms out and he did just as she expected, walked straight into them, before wrapping her up tightly in his. Gently, she placed a kiss on his cheek, then a second and a third. All the while, she felt his heart pounding against his chest and by virtue of their proximity, hers.

"You okay?" she finally asked when he offered no explanation for his early morning activities.

Drawing back slightly, his blue gaze locked with her brown one.

"Got a message…" he began, his voice low and angry, as he held his cell up to her.

"Aha," she nodded, not sure she wanted to hear what was coming next.

"Kathy's gone … seems she left here, packed some things and headed to New Mexico, to her sister's, said obviously the kids had made their choice and I could have them," he said still stunned.

"Wow!" she replied. And although surprised by Kathy's act, she couldn't help but be annoyed she was still placing the blame on everyone but herself. "What's this going to mean?"

"No idea," he sighed, leaning his head on hers, he was already exhausted.

Walking them back towards the bed, Olivia climbed in and tugged Elliot with her. Soon, he was nestled comfortably as Olivia held him and stroked his head.

"Guess they're mine," he finally said, as her fingers traced along his jaw. "Don't know how I…" he started but shook his head, it was all too much. The just completed treatment and the events of the week were taking its toll.

"Not I, El, _we_… The kids will be alright, _we'll_ tell them when they get up…" she began, her fingers still tenderly soothing him.

"But school and … bed… we can't all stay here… and you have to work and … and …" he said shaking his head.

"And we have Maureen to help … so breathe, baby," she cooed, kissing him. "We can move to Queens and …"

"Queens? But this is home …" he interjected, struggling to sit up.

'I know, I know," she reassured him. "But it's too difficult for the twins to go to school from here, so if we base ourselves at the house, then they can come and go and still have their friends…" she reasoned.

"But you …" he began once more. "You can't want to stay at the house."

"I want to stay with you, I don't care whether it's in Manhattan or Queens or Timbuktu … so long as it's you and me, okay?" She grinned, hoping he was getting her point.

"You'd do that?" he asked wide-eyed.

"I'd do anything for you, baby, anything for you and the kids. I love you so much, El," she said leaning down and kissing him tenderly.

When Elliot started responding to her, Olivia repositioned herself on top of him. As their kiss became deeper, she held his face firmly in her hands and was reluctant to let go, even when she needed air.

"Livia, stop," he groaned, trying to move from her grasp. "We gotta stop."

"Why?" she asked, pulling away only marginally.

"Because if we don't stop now, I'm not gonna be able to stop, at all," he replied, his thickened length supporting his statement.

"So don't stop," she said, leaning back in to kiss him once more.

"Olivia," he growled. "We can't do this."

.

Slowly, Olivia pulled back and rolled off him, sighing deeply. There weren't words for her to describe how much she wanted him right now, but she had to respect his wishes, she knew his illness and treatment were playing havoc with his body and his emotions.

"I'm sorry, Liv," he apologised, rolling over to her and leaning on her torso. "I would if we could," he added, kissing her cheek.

"What do you mean 'if we could'?" she asked, rubbing his back softly.

"Well, right now, I want you more than anything … I think that's obvious, don't you?" he said with a smirk as his erection pressed against her thigh.

"Yes, it is," she said, grinning in response.

"So, you know it's not me not wanting to … it's just because we can't," he continued, with another kiss to her cheek.

.

Struggling to move from underneath him, Olivia sat up, cross legged, facing him.

"What do you mean we can't?" she questioned. "Who says we can't?"

Dragging himself up, Elliot sat facing her. "We're not allowed with the illness."

"Says who?" she questioned, taking his hand.

"Well…" he began before pausing. "I don't know who said it, but with the treatment we can't have sex."

"Yes, we can," Olivia corrected. "Well, maybe not during the week of treatment but, aside from that, as long as we use a condom, we can have sex just so long as you're up to it."

"No," he replied, shaking his head. "The chemicals in the chemo…"

"That's why we need to use protection," she interrupted, stroking his arm.

"But you said yourself we couldn't," he said, squeezing her hand.

"When did I say that?" she asked, surprised; she would never really say no to sex with the man.

"When we were away with the kids for the weekend, in the hallway, you said we couldn't," he replied.

"That wasn't because of the treatment," she said, shaking her head. "It was because the twins were in the next room."

"And what about in the bath that night … you said no then too," he said, recalling how disappointed he had been.

"That's because condoms and baths don't mix well," she explained. "It was nothing to do with the treatment. Didn't you read the NHL information booklet?"

"Yeah…" he drawled. "Read everything from appetite to recovery…"

"Well," she interrupted. "Had you turned the page and gotten to 'S' you would have read about sex, and that we could have it as long as you felt like it."

.

Studying her for a moment, Elliot tried to collect his thoughts.

"Are you saying we could have been having sex the whole time?" he asked, getting to his knees and leaning over her.

"Yeah," she sighed.

"So, why didn't you say anything?" he asked, moving forward until Olivia was once again lying beneath him.

"Well, I didn't want to push you and you didn't seem to want it," she explained, her hands wandering over his body once more.

"_Well_, I did," he answered, resting atop her. "I just thought we couldn't."

"_Well_, now that you know …" she said with a laugh, "do you want to do something about it?"

"Definitely," he replied, vowing he was going to make up for lost time.

.

Before the situation could develop any further, there was a rap on their bedroom door.

"Dad…Liv…" came Lizzie's voice from the small opening she'd created.

"Yes, Liz," Elliot sighed, moving back into his own space.

"Breakfast is ready," she replied. "Whenever you are." They could hear her laugh as she retreated down the hallway.

"That kid's got poor timing," Elliot complained as Olivia rolled onto him.

"She sure has," Olivia agreed, resting her head on his chest. "Probably for the best though…"

"Why?" he asked.

"Because it's been so long since I had you that I think you'll need to be a bit stronger before I trust myself to even touch you," she sighed dramatically.

"I'm sure I'm strong enough now," he boasted.

"For endless hours of hot, passionate, mindblowing sex?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, maybe not that strong," he sighed, hating his body for betraying him.

"I'll tell you what," she said, grinning with the mere thought of her plan. "You spend the next few days eating and resting properly and doing what Maureen tells you and I'll see Cragen about getting some time off next weekend."

"Oh, and what did you have planned for a long weekend?" he asked, more excited than he had been in a long time.

"You, me, and the honeymoon suite at some plush hotel," she replied, covering his chest in kisses.

"The honeymoon suite, hey?" he asked, lifting her head to catch her eyes.

"Yes, the honeymoon suite," she repeated. "Just because you're not marrying me doesn't mean I can't have the honeymoon."

"Who says I'm not marrying you?" he said, shifting in the bed once more.

"Well, are you?" she questioned.

"One day," he said, grinning in response.

"Not soon enough, El… not nearly soon enough."

**Don't forget to review! Thanks!**


	30. Chapter 30

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**Happy Easter to all those who celebrate. I will update next week...after you've all reviewed of course.**

Breakfast was an uneasy affair with the kids trying to pretend things were normal and Elliot and Olivia trying to figure out the best way to break the news of Kathy's departure. It was Lizzie who decided to address the issue.

"Dad," she said slowly, as he swallowed the last of his coffee. "What are we going to do about mom? I really don't..."

"Yeah, about your mom," Elliot interrupted, deciding it was now or never. "I got a message from her this morning and ... um... she's gone to spend some time with Aunt June ..."

"She's going to or gone already?" Kathleen questioned, putting down her toast.

"She's gone already," Elliot confirmed and read the message to them verbatim.

"Didn't waste any time, did she?" Kathleen remarked, resuming her breakfast.

"Guess it was for the best," Dickie said. "I don't really want to be around her for awhile."

"Me neither," said Kathleen. "Can't believe she'd just up and leave like that though."

"Lizzie, have you got anything to say?" Elliot asked as she sat tearfully beside her.

"Excuse me," she said, jumping up from the table and heading back to the guest room. Maureen went to follow but Olivia stopped her.  
"I'll go," she said, patting Elliot's arm.

Knocking quietly on the guest room door, before opening it, Olivia stepped into the room before closing the door behind her. Lizzie was laying face down in the crumpled bedcovers, her feet hanging over the side of the mattress.

"Lizzie, honey," Olivia said, sitting on the bed beside her. "Do you want to talk to me?" The response was a shake of her head. "I love you, Lizzie," she continued. "And I'm always going to be here for you."

The final words were enough to draw Lizzie's attention.

"Will you really?" the teen asked, sitting up in front of Olivia.

"Yes, really," Olivia confirmed, drying Lizzie's tears.

"You mean you aren't going to abandon us by dying or going to New Mexico?" she asked, wiping her face with her sleeve.

"No, honey, I'm not," she replied. "And just so you know, no one else is abandoning you either. Your dad is fighting hard to stay with us and your mom ... well, your mom just needs some time out after everything that's happened.

"How can you talk about her so calmly?" Lizzie asked surprised. "After everything she did... how can you not be pissed at her?"

"Lizzie," Olivia started, pulling the girl to her and holding her tightly. "I really don't like what your mother did but I only have so much energy and I can't fight everything. Right now, I am just glad she's gone and that your dad is feeling better. And I'm very proud of the way you kids stood up for your dad yesterday."

"We were standing up for you too, Livvy," Lizzie said hugging her. "She was just so evil and had no right to say and do any of it."

"I know, honey," she soothed, stroking her hair. "But we can't change that, we just have to stick together and keep moving on. Okay?"

"And you are going to stick with us too, aren't you, Liv?" she questioned earnestly.

"I certainly am, Lizzie," she replied, kissing her head.

The arrangements were easy in the end, and by Monday afternoon, Olivia, Elliot and the kids had made their way back to Queens. Maureen willingly gave up her bedroom to her father and Olivia, knowing the only other suitable bed was in her mother's room and there was no way she was going to make Olivia sleep in there. She'd have the room herself.

Tuesday morning as Olivia returned to work, Maureen and Elliot took the twins to school to change their emergency contact details to include Olivia; just in case it was ever necessary, and to see if the twins, especially Lizzie, could see the school counsellor about everything that was going on. The counsellor was Maureen's idea; she knew the help Lizzie needed was beyond her at the moment. She knew what her sister was feeling but found it hard to discuss with her as she was doing her best to believe things would work out for their dad.

Having the promise of Olivia all to himself for the coming weekend, Elliot was the model patient eating and resting without complaint. While Maureen knew what most of the deal was, she was surprised that her father was being so compliant, for anyone.

It was Wednesday morning as they sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee and reading the newspaper, when Maureen decided to broach the subject.

"Dad," she said slowly, putting down the entertainment section she'd been reading.

"Yes," he replied, slowly looking over the sports pages.

"Can we talk?" she asked, her eyes dropping to the table.

"Sure," he replied folding the paper.

"How are you feeling today?" she asked, raising her eyes to meet his.

"Pretty good," he smiled. "Best I've felt in a while."

"You look well," she said, nodding her agreement.

"Thanks," he said, smiling. "But that's not what you wanted to talk about, was it?"

"Not exactly," she replied. "I want to talk about … well, I … I want to talk about Olivia."

Elliot sat back and took in his daughter's nervousness at the situation.

"What about Liv?" he asked, worried about where this conversation was headed.

"You love her very much, don't you?" she asked shyly.

"Yes, I do," he agreed.

"And you have for a long time, haven't you?" she probed.

"Um…yes, I have," he said, nodding.

"Were you in love with her before your divorce?" she asked, softly.

Drawing in a deep breath, Elliot nodded. "Probably, but I never did anything about it – honestly, Maureen… their was never anything inappropriate about our partnership…never."

"I know," Maureen said. "Liz heard her tell mom you only had … well, got together after your diagnosis."

"That's right," he said quietly.

"Why, dad?" she asked.

Reaching across the table, Elliot took his daughter's hand. "Why what, Mo?"

"Why did you wait so long?" she asked, her eyes shining brightly with unshed tears. "You are so different with Liv than anybody else. Her effect on you is amazing … I knew long before the divorce that you and mom were having problems … there was never anything really intimate between you… you'd kiss her cheek whenever you came home, but that was about it. With Liv, though, there are touches and handholding and caresses and it's just so amazing…"

"That's because Olivia's amazing," he said, smiling proudly.

"So why'd you wait so long?" she asked again. "Why didn't you do something about it after the separation?"

"Because I didn't know if Liv thought the same way…" he said, his voice trailing. "And because I didn't want her to think she was just a rebound thing."

"I doubt she'd ever have thought that, dad," she replied, playing with her coffee mug.

"I didn't want to take the risk," he admitted. "If whatever this is between us didn't work out, I wouldn't have her in my life at all – I don't think I could survive that – again."

"Again?" Maureen echoed.

Shaking his head, Elliot didn't want to continue down that track. "Tell me, dad."

"When Olivia went to Oregon undercover with the FBI … that was tough … it was really tough …" he admitted, his eyes dancing across the table. "I couldn't believe she could go just like that … couldn't believe just how different I was without her."

There was a long pause before Maureen spoke again. "Dad," she said, her voice edgy. "Do you regret me? I…"

"NO!" he choked, grabbing her hand again. "Never!"

"I mean I'd understand if you did," she continued, tears running down her cheeks. "You and mom were so young and probably not really in love … if you hadn't gotten pregnant with me, you probably would have gone your separate ways and…"

"Mo, baby," he whispered, pulling her towards him. "Life would have been different had you not happened but you have to believe me when I say that I never, NEVER, would change that. You are my beautiful, beautiful, pride and joy. I wouldn't swap that for anything." Tears gently streamed down his face.

"But if I hadn't come along, you wouldn't have been married to mom and then you could have been with Liv years ago … and not stayed here with mom out of duty and obligation and not wasted all those years," she cried.

"But if you hadn't come along there would have been a part of my soul missing – and besides, who would have been here to help me out right now?" he questioned, wrapping his arm around her and kissing her head.

"But you've given up so much of you for us, when do you get to do the right thing by you?" she asked. "When do you get to be Mr Benson and have the life you deserve?" Elliot laughed, 'Mr Benson' there was a nice thought. "You know Livvy would marry you tomorrow, so why are you waiting?"

Standing up from the table, Elliot looked out the window for a moment.

"What if I don't make it, Maureen?" he said quietly. "What happens if I marry her only to make her a widow?" he asked, using Lizzie's words.

Maureen moved to him and gently rubbed his back. "She would be devastated either way, dad – but at least if you left her a widow then it would have meant at some stage she was your wife. I think she'd prefer it that way."

"Mo, will you help me?" he asked and smiled when she nodded eagerly. "Love you so much, Maureen."

"Love you too, dad."

xoxoxEOoxoxo

After a very busy week, Olivia arrived home in Queens early Friday evening more than ready for her long weekend with Elliot. Don had guaranteed he wouldn't require her until the following Wednesday and that meant four whole days with him – and, as a wonderful bonus, they'd be having sex. That thought was enough to make her grin.

"I'm home!" she called, opening the front door, surprised to find it very quiet. "Elliot? Maureen?" Still nothing. "Lizzie? Dickie? Kat?"

Deciding this peacefulness may be to her advantage, she headed up to the bedroom to strip out of her work clothes and to start the weekend now. Opening the bedroom door, she gasped as she took in Elliot who was standing before her in a black suit with a crisp white shirt and blue tie.

"Wow," she mumbled. "You look incredible." Tentatively, she reached out to touch him. Although still bald, something she was liking more and more, he was looking well and happy.

"You're incredible too," he replied, kissing her cheek.

"In this?" she asked, pulling at her sweater.

"You'd look incredible in anything … and in nothing," he said, grinning.

"Well, if the kids are gone for the evening you can see me in nothing right now," she said, kissing him lightly.

"They are gone," he acknowledged. "And as much as I would like to stay here with you, we have reservations … so go shower, put on something sexy and then you'll be mine all night."

Two hours later, after having checked into the Mandarin Oriental Hotel, they left their luggage at the desk, opting to start dinner now. A very attentive young host, named Jake, led them into the restaurant and seated them at a cosy table with breathtaking views of New York.

"This place is incredible, El!" Olivia gushed. "But it must cost a fortune."

"It's worth every cent," he said beaming.

"Champagne, ma'am, sir," said Jake, delivering the glasses to the table. "With our compliments."

"Thank you, Jake" said Elliot as he reached over to take Olivia's hand. "I love you so much, Olivia."

"I love you too, El," she said, pure joy written across her face.

"Thank you for everything you've done for me, not only over these past months, but since the day we met," he continued, lifting her hand to kiss it. "I know it hasn't always been easy but I am forever grateful that you never gave up on me … on us." He kissed her hand once more.

"Thank you for never giving up on me either," she whispered, tears choking her voice. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You'll never have to find out, baby," he replied, reaching over to kiss her cheek.

"I'm glad to hear it," she replied, kissing him in return.

"Olivia," he said, clearing his throat. "I want to make you a promise … okay?"

"Aha," she nodded slowly.

"Now, I haven't written this but I do mean every word, okay?" he said nervously.

"Aha," she repeated.

"Olivia Benson, I promise to give you the best of myself  
and to ask of you no more than you can give.

I promise to respect you as your own person  
and to realize that your interests, desires and needs are no less important than my own.

I promise to share with you my time and my attention  
and to bring joy, strength and imagination to our relationship.

I promise to keep myself open to you,  
to let you see through the window of my world into my innermost fears and feelings, secrets and dreams.

I promise to grow along with you,  
to be willing to face changes in order to keep our relationship alive and exciting.

I promise to love you in good times and bad,  
with all I have to give and all I feel inside in the only way I know how.  
Completely and forever," he said, reciting the words he had practised all day, before reaching over and wiping away her tears. "Love you so much, Livia."

"Oh, Elliot," she sighed, taking the handkerchief he was offering. "That was so beautiful. I promise you the same. I love you so very much, baby."

"Olivia, if I asked you to marry me right now, would you say yes?" he asked, dropping to a knee beside her.

"Are you asking?" she asked as he dipped into his pocket to retrieve a small blue box.

"I am," he said, grinning up at her. "Olivia Benson, will you marry -?"

"Yes," she replied before he could finish the question. "Of course, I'll marry you."

After slipping on the white and yellow gold Claddagh trinity ring, Elliot kissed it before embracing her tightly. "It's beautiful!" exclaimed Olivia as her eyes settled on her newest acquisition.

"There's two trinity knots interlocked, and then there's the Claddagh centrepiece; the hands, heart and crown representing friendship, love and loyalty. I just think it's so us," he said, tears filling his eyes.

"It's perfect, I love it," she gushed, beaming. "And I love you."

After several long and loving kisses, Jake reappeared at their table.

"Ahem," he coughed, gaining Elliot's attention. "Sir," he said, his eyes darting towards the far wall.

"Thank you, Jake," Elliot said, standing up and taking Olivia's hand.

"Where are we going?" she asked, squeezing his hand.

"Well," he said, stopping before a closed door. "Our table is in here."

"Really? I thought we were at our table," she said, looking back to where they had just been.

"Oh, that was just the temporary table," he said smiling. "This one's for real."

"Okay, then," she replied. "Lead the way."

Elliot's hand settled on the doorknob and he paused before opening it.

"Olivia, after you," he said, waving his hand as he opened the door for her. She took two steps before freezing in the doorway.

In front of her was the most glorious, intimate room she had ever seen. There was a large round table set for ten, with elaborate candelabra adorning it. Tea light candles were scattered around the room giving the impression they were floating. Long stemmed red roses were elegantly placed adding to the romantic atmosphere as soft music filtered through to her ears. In the corner she noticed a small table with more candles and she saw a man walking towards them.

"Olivia, I'm David Buckley, your marriage celebrant. It's a pleas-"

Spinning around she faced Elliot, her words not coming.

"I asked you to marry me _right now_, Olivia," Elliot informed her gently. "And you said yes," he reminded her.

"I… You…" she stuttered.

"Is this soon enough?" he asked, wrapping his arms around her.

Still too stunned to talk coherently she nodded.

"I don't want to waste anymore time, Olivia, and I want to marry you tonight," he said quietly, trying to ease her shock.

"I want to marry you too," she replied, finally smiling.

"Glad to hear it," he replied, kissing her. "And this is our celebrant."

"Oh, I'm so sorry," she apologised turning back. "It's lovely to meet you."

"It's okay," he said, smiling softly. "I can understand your surprise."

Turning back to Elliot she fell into his arms. "Who else is here?" she asked, nodding to the table.

"Who do you want here?" he countered, swaying with her.

"The kids, the guys and Casey," she replied.

"So be it," he replied. "Hey, Jake," he called. "Let them in."

Jake, ever dutiful, opened the side door and in walked the very people Olivia had mentioned. The men were all in black suits like Elliot, the girls and Casey in a range of matching blue dresses.

**Don't forget to review! Thanks! Perhaps if we can get to 800, we can have the wedding ... and the honeymoon!**

**AN: Elliot's verse, The Promise is by Dorothy R. Colgan**

**If you'd like to see the ring, you'll have to email (as well as reviewing) me so I can send you the photo.**


	31. Chapter 31

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**AN: We hit 800 with 41 reviews for the last chapter, thank you to all of you. So, here's the promised chapter...make sure your review this one too. The updates on this one will most likely become weekly now, as I'm hoping to also start with the second part of Death of a Child. If you are looking for something a little lighter, the check out Once A Pun A Time ... I posted it yesterday.**

Scanning the room, Olivia didn't know where to start or what to say. She didn't have to worry about it as Lizzie ran over and hugged her tightly.

"Oh Liv, I'm so happy you said yes," she gushed. "So, so happy."

"Thanks, Liz," she replied, kissing her head. "I'm very happy too."

"And you're going to make the most gorgeous bride," she continued, clasping Olivia's arm.

"Well, had I known, I probably would have chosen something else…" she said, looking down at her long, black, body hugging dress – it did well as 'sexy' but not really suitable for a wedding.

"Got that covered," said Maureen, coming over to her. "Let's go, ladies," she added, ushering them back towards the door.

"Where are we going?" she asked, quickly searching for Elliot, he just smiled.

"To get you ready for your wedding," Kathleen said, taking her hand.

.

Moments after they opened the door to the bridal suite, Lizzie gasped.

"Oh man, look at the sight!" she exclaimed, rushing to the window to see the New York skyline at night.

'It's beautiful," agreed Casey, moving towards her.

"What do you think, Liv?" Lizzie asked, turning around when Olivia failed to answer. "Liv?"

They turned back to find Olivia staring in disbelief at the three wedding gowns which hung by the bed.

"Liv?" Maureen called, walking to her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she whispered. "They're just so beautiful – how? When?" She shook her head, turning towards Maureen.

"Dad and I had a long chat on Wednesday morning and he decided he didn't want to wait any longer, so we put it all together – with some help in high places…" she said as Casey came over to join them.

"I did the official stuff to ensure it's all legal tonight… and got the celebrant and photographer, Casey announced, sitting down on the bed.

"Dad did all the hotel arrangements," Maureen continued.

"And the dresses?" Olivia asked.

"Well, that was the three of us," Kathleen chimed in. "We looked in so many places and while we agreed on these three we couldn't decide between them."

"But when we explained the situation to the woman in the shop, she said we could return the other two," Lizzie said, sitting down next to Casey.

Sighing deeply, Olivia padded over and touched the silk bodice on the first dress. "How am I ever going to decide?"

"Try them on," Casey said. "You'll know the one when it's on."

.

Try them on she did. In the huge, marble bathroom, she tried on each gown before parading them out for the others. Each one was met with 'ooh's and 'ah's and none it helped Olivia make up her mind. It took ten minutes for her to narrow it down to two dresses.

"Livvy, if you don't hurry up, dad will think you've changed your mind," Lizzie said, sitting back down.

"Well, we can't have that," she sighed. "Let me try the other one on one more time."

As she slipped the other dress over her head, Maureen rapped softly on the door and let herself in.

"I'm thinking this is the dress but I really don't know, Mo," Olivia said, turning around to face the young woman who would be her daughter within the hour. "What do you think?"

"This is gorgeous, Liv, but … I think the other one would be better," she said, picking up the dress Olivia had just taken off.

"You do?" she asked, looking between the two.

"Yeah, I do," she said nodding. "It's so beautiful and elegant and sophisticated and …um…"

"And what?" Olivia asked, stopping and taking Maureen's hand in hers.

"It's the one I would wear … and I thought that if you liked it then you could wear it … and if I get married then I could wear it too – it would be our special bond, our first sort of mother-daughter thing," she whispered, tears trickling down her cheeks.

.

Quickly, Olivia changed back. "I love that idea, Mo," she said. "And I love you very much."

"I love you too, Liv," she said, reaching in and kissing her cheek. "And I love the way you love my dad … he so deserves that kind of love." Olivia embraced the younger woman before releasing her and grabbing a Kleenex from the marble counter.

"You keep talking like that and I'm going to need to redo my makeup," she said, taking a deep breath.

"Sorry," Maureen replied with a smile.

.

Fifteen minutes later, Olivia and her self appointed bridesmaids and Maid of Honour, stood by the door downstairs.

"I'm so happy for you, Olivia," Casey said, handing her a bouquet of champagne roses.

"Me too, Liv," Kathleen said. "I love you."

"Love you too, Kat," Olivia replied, kissing her.

"Me three," Lizzie chimed in.

"And I love you too, Liz," Olivia said beaming, she knew she was only minutes away from having a husband and family and there were no words to express the joy she felt.

.

As Casey opened the door, strains of the Bridal March drifted to Olivia's ears. She grinned to herself; if this was a dream then she never wanted to wake up.

"May I do the honour, Olivia?" Don asked, offering his arm; she nodded and the girls moved ahead of her into the room. "You look so beautiful, Liv," he whispered as she drew a deep breath. "Are you happy?"

"Absolutely," she beamed looking towards Elliot who being embraced by his daughters.

"Then let's do this," he replied, kissing her cheek.

.

Slowly, Don and Olivia approached Elliot, and Don didn't know the last time he'd seen anyone as blissfully content as Elliot looked right now. The pain, treatment, fatigue and everything else associated with his life over recent days, months and years had disappeared and the only look on his face was one of absolute love. Stopping in front of the celebrant, Olivia turned towards Elliot and took hold of his hands.

"Love you so much, Olivia," Elliot leant in and whispered before brushing a kiss across her cheek.

"Love you too, El," she replied, squeezing his hands.

"Ready?" enquired the celebrant, they both nodded, so he began. "It is one of life's richest surprises when the accidental meeting of two life paths lead them to proceed together along the common path as husband and wife. It is one of life's finest experiences when a casual relationship grows into a permanent bond of love. This meeting and this growth bring us together today.

Olivia and Elliot, will you take vows here before all of us which symbolize the manifested vows you have already made and will continue to make to each other throughout your lives?

"We will," they replied in unison, with eyes only for each other.

He handed over a small white card. "Olivia?"

In barely a whisper she began, her words really only for him alone. "I, Olivia, take you, Elliot, as my friend and love, beside me and apart from me, in laughter and in tears, in conflict and tranquillity, asking that you be no other than yourself, loving what I know of you, trusting what I do not yet know, in all the ways that life may find us."

Elliot grinned widely, taking the card. "I, Elliot, take you, Olivia, as my friend and love, beside me and apart from me, in laughter and in tears, in conflict and tranquillity, asking that you be no other than yourself, loving what I know of you, trusting what I do not yet know, in all the ways that life may find us." He raised their joined hands and kissed hers.

The celebrant retrieved the card and continued, holding two matching gold bands in his palm. "The circle is the symbol of the sun, earth, and universe. It is the symbol of peace. Let this ring be the symbol of unity and peace in which your two lives are joined in one unbroken circle. Wherever you go, return unto one another and to your togetherness."

Elliot took Olivia's and slid it onto her finger. "I give you this ring to wear upon your hand as a symbol of our unity in steadfast love."

Olivia took Elliot's and kissed it before slipping it onto his finger. "I give you this ring to wear upon your hand as a symbol of our unity in steadfast love."

"You are mature people who have established individual patterns of living. Yet you have found not only a need for companionship, but the satisfaction of that need in each other's company. It is this love, based upon a responsible understanding, that will aid you in creating out of your two lives, a marriage and a happiness you will share together. Stand fast in hope and confidence, believing in yourself and believing in each other," the celebrant said. "Maureen?"

"This is something..." Maureen began, "that I found and I think it's just perfect for you both." She took a deep breath.

"Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.  
A good marriage must be created.  
In marriage the little things are the big things.  
It is never being too old to hold hands.  
It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.  
It is never going to sleep angry.  
It is at no time taking the other for granted;  
the courtship should not end  
with the honeymoon, it should continue through the years.  
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.  
It is standing together facing the world.  
It is forming a circle of love that gathers the whole family.  
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice,  
but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation  
and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.  
It is not looking for perfection in each other.  
It is cultivating flexibility, patience,  
understanding and a sense of humor.  
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.  
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow old.  
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.  
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal,  
dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.  
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner."

Wiping her tears away, Maureen moved to kiss her father, then Olivia. "I love you both very much and hope one day I can find your kind of love."

Elliot dried Olivia's tears, before wiping away Maureen's. "Love you too, Maureen. We couldn't have done this without you."

"Just have a happy, long life together," she said, stepping back next to Fin, who wrapped an arm around her.

"Inasmuch as you two have come before your friends and family and have declared your love and devotion to each other, I now greet you, with them, as husband and wife," the celebrant concluded.

"Can I kiss her now... please?" Elliot asked, glancing at the celebrant for the first time.

"Any time you're ready," he replied, smiling.

"God, I love you so much, Livia, thank you for marrying me," he whispered before kissing her deeply.

The kiss was tender and passionate and loving and long. So long, that by the time they parted for air, their guests were talking amongst themselves.

"About time," Munch said, moving to pat Elliot on the back. "Congratulations!"

.

After best wishes were lovingly offered and received, the group sat around the table for Elliot and Olivia's first meal as husband and wife. Not that either of them ate much, both too busy ignoring the goings on around them, instead gazing lovingly at each other and stealing kisses. The entree and main course had been served and cleared before Elliot stood and offered Olivia his hand.

"May I have this dance with my wife?" he asked with a smile Olivia couldn't even begin to describe.

"You'll have to ask my husband," she replied, standing up and taking his hand.

"I'm sure he won't object," Elliot said as he walked her to the middle of the floor before nodding to Jake who started the song Kathleen had chosen for them.

I_ do swear that I'll aways be there._

_I'd give anything and everything and I will always care._

_Through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow,_

_for better or worse, I will love you with_

_every beat of my heart._

_From this moment life has begun_

_From this moment you are the one_

_Right beside you is where I belong_

_From this moment on_

_From this moment I have been blessed_

_I live only for your happiness_

_And for your love I'd give my last breath_

_From this moment on_

_I give my hand to you with all my heart_

_Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start_

_You and I will never be apart_

_My dreams came true because of you_

_From this moment as long as I live_

_I will love you, I promise you this_

_There is nothing I wouldn't give_

_From this moment on_

_You're the reason I believe in love_

_And you're the answer to my prayers from up above_

_All we need is just the two of us_

_My dreams came true because of you_

_From this moment as long as I live_

_I will love you, I promise you this_

_From this moment_

_I will love you as long as I live_

_From this moment on_

From the very start, Olivia's arms wrapped around Elliot's neck as her whole body pressed to him and his arms engulfed her in the most tender, loving embrace she'd ever been in. It was the most incredible, amazing, intimate few minutes of her life; just gazing at him, everything else, but her overwhelming love for him, disappeared. Gone were the horrors of their years of work together, their arguments, fights, the cancer, Kathy... everything but their two hearts becoming one.

**Don't forget to review! **

**AN: Wedding vows are 'A Permanent Bond of Love' from My Wedding Vows Website - for older couples.**

**Maureen's verse, The Art of Marriage by Wilferd Arlan Peterson**

**First dance, From this Moment On by Shania Twain**


	32. Chapter 32

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

xoxoxEOoxoxo

Looking over the sparkling lights of a New York night from the honeymoon suite at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel, Olivia smiled at the beauty below her. The city had never looked as glorious as it did on this particular Friday night, and Olivia knew it had little to do with the Big Apple itself, rather than the man who had given her the amazing rings now on her finger.

"Isn't it so beautiful?" she asked as he wrapped his arms around her from behind and pressed a kiss to her ear.

"Nowhere near as beautiful as you," he murmured, moving his attention to her neck. Olivia ran her hand up his arm and cradled his head to her.

"Love you so much, El," she whispered, turning her head to capture his lips.

"Love you more..." he replied, turning her in his arms.

"Didn't know this was a competition," she whispered as her fingers moved to undo his tie and shirt buttons.

"It's not," he replied. "Meant I love you more than I ever knew was possible..." he continued as her hands ran under his open shirt and to his back.

"Thank you for doing this," Olivia said as she kissed her way from his chest to his lips.

"Thank you for saying yes," he said, grinning, still not truly believing they were husband and wife.

.

Pressing close to him, she stifled a yawn, a hectic week and the emotions of the day catching up with her.

"You feel tired, baby?" he whispered, swaying with her, their bodies in perfect sync.

"Nope," she murmured, rolling her head back to gaze at him. "I feel nothing but pure bliss."

"Me too," he replied, before kissing her temple.

"I want to dance with you, like this, all night," she replied, resting her head on his shoulder.

"There's no music," he whispered, kissing her head.

"I can fix that," she said, pulling back a little before she began to sing to him.

_I could stay awake just to hear you breathing  
Watch you smile while you are sleeping  
While you're far away and dreaming  
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender  
I could stay lost in this moment forever  
When, every moment spent with you  
Is a moment I treasure_

_I don't wanna close my eyes  
I don't wanna fall asleep  
'Cause I'd miss you, babe  
And I don't wanna miss a thing  
'Cause even when I dream of you  
The sweetest dream would never do  
I'd still miss you, babe  
And I don't wanna miss a thing_

"Love you so much, Livia," he whispered hoarsely as his hands moved to frame her face.

"Love you too," she whispered in reply before she continued.

_Lying close to you  
Feeling your heart beating  
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming  
Wondering if it's me you're seeing  
Then I kiss your eyes and  
thank God we're together  
I just wanna stay with you  
In this moment forever, forever and ever_

_I don't wanna miss one smile  
I don't wanna miss one kiss  
and I just wanna be with you  
Right here with you, just like this  
I just wanna hold you close  
I feel your heart so close to mine  
And we'll stay here in this moment  
For all the rest of time Yeah  
Yeah Yeah Yeah YEAHHHH!!_

"Together forever," he growled before nipping at her earlobe.

"That's right, El," she replied dreamily. "For the rest of time."

"You're mine, aren't you?" he questioned, gazing long and hard into her eyes. "This isn't just a dream or a hallucination or wishful thinking, is it?"

"Nope," she said, smiling broadly. "I'm all yours and better still ... you're all mine."

"Yes, I am," he replied. "All yours ... to do anything you like with..."

"In that case," she replied, leaning in to kiss him tenderly. "Would you mind moving this dance to the bed?"

With one swift moment, Olivia was off her feet and in his arms as he carried her to the luxurious king sized bed adorned with way too many pillows and cushions for his liking. Laying his new wife in the centre of the bed, Elliot discarded all the superfluous items before shrugging off his shirt and jacket, then his trousers. Moving to the side of the bed, Olivia went to stand up.

"Where are you going?" he growled, his hands coming to rest on her bare shoulders.

"Was going to get out of this..." she said, reaching around to unzip her dress.

"I was thinking you should leave it on... you look incredibly sexy as a bride ... my bride..." he whispered, leaning in and sucking her earlobe.

"I feel incredibly sexy," she replied, standing up. "But as Mo wants to wear it one day, we shouldn't damage it."

.

Almost instantly the dress fell to the floor and Olivia was revealed in all her glory.

"No underwear?" he rumbled, lifting her up and against him.

"Didn't have anything to go under it... I was a bit unprepared for tonight," she replied, her legs wrapping around him as her fingers splayed across his bare head.

"You're incredible, you know that, don't you, Olivia?" he asked, as he knelt on the mattress. She had a fuller figure than when they had first made love, a testament to home cooking and next to no opportunity to work out in the gym. Elliot loved her curves...loved the way her hair fell across her face... hell, he loved everything about her.

"So are you," she replied. "You up to doing this tonight?" she asked, knowing his desire was obvious but his fatigue was also an issue.

.

Reaching out to the nightstand, Elliot grabbed a white paper bag and upended the contents onto the bed, revealing countless colourful foil packages.

"I intend to use every one of these before we leave on Tuesday," he said confidently. "So, the only question is, are you ready, Mrs Benson-Stabler?" he asked, grabbing a blue pack.

"Benson-Stabler?" she questioned, stilling his hands as he went to tear open the pack, she'd not thought of hyphenating ... she hadn't thought of much related to name changes ... she just wanted to be his wife.

"Well, I first thought you wouldn't want to take my name at all... you being so independent and all ... and I was okay with that ... and then I thought maybe you would want too but then you'd be Mrs Stabler and I wasn't sure whether you'd be okay with that ... then Mo said something about me being Mr Benson and I thought it was perfect... but then I didn't want to have a different name than my kids so I thought Benson-Stabler was a good compromise," he rambled as he reached into his nightstand once more. "Here!" He handed her another paper bag.

Olivia's tears fell instantly.

There inside was a framed picture the kids had created for them. It was a photo taken of Elliot and Olivia in a warm embrace a few weeks ago, neither knew Dickie was about to take the snap. They were snuggled on the sofa and the look of love they were sharing was unmistakable. Overlaid on the photo in delicate, white font was the following: Introducing Mr and Mrs Benson-Stabler. In addition, there was also another framed document; that being the official change of name certificate for Elliot Benson – Stabler.

"You've taken my name as well?" she asked almost breathless.

"Of course," he replied, with a laugh. "We've been Benson – Stabler for a decade now, just decided it should be official ... that's if it's okay with you?"

"Oh, it's more than okay," she replied, throwing herself at him and making him realise just how okay she truly was with it.

.

When Olivia awoke the next morning, she felt incredibly happy – something that was completely foreign to her. Looking down she saw Elliot's arm across her waist, his grip firm and possessive; she couldn't help but smile. Gently she pressed back into him, wondering whether she should wake him or let him sleep; she figured his ability to respond would determine her course of action.

Within a few minutes his interest was apparent, even if he hadn't managed to open his eyes as yet.

"Mmm, Livia," he mumbled, into her hair.

"Morning, baby," she replied, her hand moving behind her to caress his head. "Sleep well?"

"Perfectly," he sighed, still transitioning from his slumber.

"Hungry?" she asked, rolling over and snuggling into him.

"Just for you," he said with a grin as he finally opened his eyes. "You?"

"Oh, I'm definitely hungry," she said, pushing him back and climbing on top of him.

"I can see that," he replied, bringing her head down so he could kiss her.

.

When Olivia finally pulled back, albeit marginally, Elliot caressed her face.

"You are amazingly beautiful," he whispered, kissing her cheek.

"You're biased," she replied, kissing his nose.

"Yes, I am," he said, nuzzling into her neck. "But it doesn't make it any less true."

"Do you know how much I love you, Elliot?" she asked, propping herself up.

"About as much as I love you," he replied, his fingers tracing her spine.

"How are you really feeling this morning?" she asked, hating to bring his illness into this but needing to.

"I'm tired," he said quietly, telling the truth. "But I've never felt as happy or content in my life."

"Me neither," she whispered, kissing him again.

.

After gazing at each other for a while, Olivia broke into a wide grin.

"What?" he asked, grinning in response.

"I was just remembering that incredible move last night," she said. "You know, when we were in our 'orange' phase?"

Elliot studied her, trying to figure out what she meant; then it dawned on him. There first condom had been blue, the second green, third had been red and the fourth...well, the fourth was orange – and she was right, that was incredible.

"You were pretty flexible," he said with a grin. "You surprised me."

"I surprised myself," she said with a laugh. "Who knew my legs could do that?"

"I didn't," he replied, laughing with her.

"You know, I may never walk again," she said as she began to rub herself on him.

"Well, I'll just have to carry you then, won't I?" he said, his hands coming to rest on her hips.

.

Unexpectedly, Olivia rolled off him quickly.

"What? Where are you going?" he asked trying to hold onto her.

"Just getting this," she replied, holding up another foil packet. "I think you're going to look real pretty in pink."

With the condom in place and the wrapper now somewhere on the floor, Elliot positioned himself over Olivia.  
"Ready, wife of mine?" he asked as he came to rest on her.

"Wife of yours! Do you know how sexy that sounds?" she cooed, her hands moving down to his butt, hoping to prompt him into some faster action.

"Are you going to be happy being my wife?" he asked, trying to take his mind off the fact he wasn't yet half way in but was so close to coming.

"Definitely," she replied, kneading his butt, knowing what he was doing. "You going to be happy being my husband?"

"Oh yeah," he sighed. "Very happy."

.

Little was said for a while as Elliot continued with his painfully slow manoeuvres. When Olivia couldn't take the pace, she moved her hands to frame his face.

"I just need you to relax and make love to me," she said quietly.

"If I do that, it'll be over before we get started," he replied hoarsely.

"Don't care," Olivia said, one hand moving down between them. "Besides, if this is over quickly, we get to do it again and again and again."

"But wouldn't you like it to last more than a minute?" he asked, disappointed his self restraint had left him.

"I'd like it to last for the rest of my life," Olivia said, as her fingers played with him. "But I'll take you anyway I can get you, okay?" she said, squeezing him and increasing his speed instantly.

.

The pink phase was followed by a more controlled and much longer yellow phase before Olivia went to soak in the spa bath.

"They said our order would take about thirty minutes," Elliot reported slipping into the tub with her.

"Mmmm brunch," she moaned, realising she was actually starving – having had next to nothing since lunch the previous day.

"Well, as it's just gone two, I think we're safe to call it lunch," he said, rubbing her arm.

"Two? Already?" she questioned, her eyes opening. The last time she'd checked the clock it was nine.

"Yes, two," he confirmed. "We found a way to occupy the morning."

"A very good way," Olivia agreed, slipping her arm around him.

"Do you think we can find a way to occupy the afternoon?" he asked her.

"Yep," she sighed. "Food and sleep, I think."

"Just food and sleep?" he asked surprised. He was sure there would be some other activities on the agenda.

"Yep," she repeated. "You do know why that is, don't you?" she questioned, taking in his sad puppy dog expression.

"Nope, why?" he replied.

"Well, husband of mine, we have another long night together and I need to make sure you are well nourished and rested," she answered, reaching up to kiss him. "Because there are at least five other colours in that pack we haven't even tried yet... there's purple... and lime ... and black ...."

xoxoxEOoxoxo

**_Don't forget to review!_**

**_AN: The second instalment of Death of A Child has been posted - if you didn't get an alert or for something lighter, check out Once A Pun A Time._**

**_Olivia's song is by Aerosmith I Don't Want to Miss a Thing (Abridged)_  
**


	33. Chapter 33

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

When Olivia stirred she had little awareness of time or day. Saturday afternoon had been restful, Saturday night had been extraordinary and it had left her wondering how much better it could possibly be when Elliot was fully fit and recovered. It was then it struck her, her husband had cancer... not her partner, or her friend, or anything else – _her_ husband.

Snuggling back into him, she tried to fight her tears. Having spent almost every moment since his diagnosis living for him, or working flat out, Olivia had never allowed herself to think the worst. In all their conversations and discussions on his cancer, Olivia had either been clinical or focused on Elliot's thoughts and fears. In dealing with his kids, she had focused on them and their pain. Never once had she voiced her thoughts or fears, never once had she allowed the conversation to be about her and despite all the times he had wanted her to talk – about the cancer, about what Kathy had said and done, about herself, she had resisted; not wanting to burden Elliot at all.

Consumed with her love for the man behind her, she had been living only for him ... and now he was her husband ... and the very thought of him leaving her a widow was devastating beyond words. It was in that instant she realised just why Elliot had been so reluctant to marry her in the first place. The simple gold band on her finger changed everything completely. She had never had anything before that meant anything ... and now she had everything ... and losing that, losing him, would mean losing herself.

When the phone rang, she grabbed it quickly, not wanting to wake Elliot until she had composed herself.

"Hello," she whispered.

"Hi, Livvy," Maureen said, just as quietly. "I didn't disturb anything, did I?"

"No, no," she replied, brushing away her tears. "What's up?"

"Well, I know it's not custom for the bride and groom to share their honeymoon with four children but we were hoping that we could come into the city and have dinner with dad and you tonight," she said. "We'll understand if you say no... It's just that..."

"Dinner will be fine," Olivia replied, understanding that they just needed to see their dad, and to see him happy. "What time?"

"Well, it's three now," she answered and Olivia stared at the clock; how could she have slept the day away? "And I want to make sure the twins get home early enough because of school tomorrow. So, what's say, we meet you at the hotel restaurant at six? Is that too early?"

"No, six is fine," she said, trying to keep her pain out of her voice.

"Liv, is everything alright?" Maureen asked, noting that Olivia didn't sound as happy as she'd expected.

"Everything's great," she replied, with false enthusiasm.

"Why don't you sound like it, Liv?" she questioned.

"I'm fine; everything's great," she repeated. "I've got to go; we'll see you all at six."

Replacing the phone on the side table, Olivia went to slide out of bed.

"Olivia," Elliot said, pulling her back to him. "Even I can tell everything's not great. Talk to me." Allowing herself to be pulled back to her husband, Olivia sighed; how could she explain it to him, how could she lay this all on him less than 48 hours after they were married.

Before he could say anything else, she spun around and nestled as deeply into him as she could get, tucking her face into the crook of his neck and holding on tight as her tears dripped onto his skin.

"What's wrong?" he asked, gently, raking his fingers through her hair. She couldn't answer. So, for a long while he just held and caressed her, whispering his love when he thought she was listening.

"I love you so much, Olivia," he said, kissing her head. "So very much. And it kills me to see you like this."

.

Sliding her arm up and behind his neck made Elliot smile; this was the first response from her in thirty two minutes.

"Love you, baby," she replied, kissing his neck.

"Can you talk to me now?" he asked, not wanting to force her into anything.

Slowly, she nodded and he dragged himself up into a sitting position and cradled her to him. When she failed to speak, Elliot did.

"Do you regret marrying me?" he asked, it being the most obvious cause of her distress.

"No, of course not," she sobbed, lifting her tearstained face up.

"Then why the tears," he asked, using his thumb to dry them.

"I love you so much, Elliot Benson – Stabler," she declared, her hands moving to frame his face. "And I love you," he replied, his fingers splayed through her hair.

.

For a few moments she just looked up at him tearfully, trying to find the right words to explain the overwhelming emotions she was experiencing.

"Whatever it is, Livia, you can tell me," he soothed, gently kissing her forehead.

"I am so happy, Elliot," she whispered, her tears still falling.

"These don't look like happy tears though, baby," he said, drying them once more.

"I just ... I am happy ... finally got what I've always wanted ... love ... happiness ... you..." she trailed, not too sure where she was going.

"I'm happy too ... but..." he prompted when nothing more was forthcoming.

"I've never had this before ... this sense of ... of completeness ..." she admitted.

After a life of pain and anguish, getting what she wanted and needed was totally unfamiliar to her.

.

When her gaze finally locked onto his, the pain and sadness in her eyes was plainly evident and all his questions were answered.

"And you are scared you're going to lose it, aren't you? That you're going to lose me," he offered, trying to help her express herself.

"Aha," was all she could manage.

"Oh, baby," he whispered hoarsely, pulling her as close to him as was physically possible. "We both know there are no guarantees but, believe me, I am going to do everything in my power to make sure I'm the old man you're dancing with at the seniors dance when we're eighty, okay?"

Nodding, Olivia held onto him more tightly. "Don't let go," she whimpered.

"Never going to let you go, Liv," he continued, trying to ease her tears. "Only ever going to love you more and more ... and pray to God it will be enough."

"It will be enough," she mumbled into his neck.

.

However long they had, weeks, months or years, each one would be a blessing and she would live each moment of them with no regret; including this one.

"Make love to me, Elliot," she pleaded, moving from his lap and pulling him onto her. "Please?"

.

By the time Elliot and Olivia reached the hotel restaurant, it was 6:10 and their four children were already seated around a round table, engaged in deep conversation.

"Room for us?" Elliot asked, startling them.

"Dad! Liv!" Lizzie exclaimed, jumping up from the table and hugging them. "I'm so glad you said yes to dinner and I..."

"Liz," Kathleen said, "Calm down."

"Oh, sorry," Lizzie said, realising she still had her arms around them both.

When all the greetings had been exchanged, Olivia and Elliot sat down between Dickie and Lizzie. The menus were perused over casual conversation and after the orders were taken, Elliot slipped his hand into Olivia's as she shifted her chair closer to him.

"We've got some of the photos, had them printed today," Maureen said, taking out a small album. "If you want to see them now," she continued.

"I said no," Dickie interrupted. "You could see them Tuesday when you get home but Liz insisted..."

"Well, it was a wonderful wedding and I just wanted to see the photos for myself and it's going to be weeks before Casey's photographer's stuff is ready," Lizzie said in her own defence.

"We'd love to see them," Olivia said, holding out her hand.

.

Sitting next to Olivia, Lizzie had the perfect position to point out even the most obvious details in each print but Olivia didn't care. Here was proof positive that the amazing event on Friday evening had actually occurred and wasn't just her imagination in overdrive.

"Ohh, you looked so beautiful, Livvy," Lizzie gushed and for the next twenty minutes every minuscule detail of the wedding was noted.

It was to Dickie's great relief the entrees arrived before the third viewing of the photos took place. While he loved his dad and Olivia, and was glad they were married, he didn't need to see the photos for the fifth time, courtesy of his sisters' insistence to see them twice before they arrived, or discuss the type of roses or the bead detail on the bridal gown.

"Thank god," he muttered, when his plate was put before him.

"Hungry, son?" Elliot asked picking up his knife and fork. "Or just glad the photos are gone?"

Dickie gave him a wry grin. "Well, I'm glad you're married but..."

"But it's more for girls?" Elliot offered, patting his back.

"Yeah, something like that," he replied.

By the time the dessert dishes were cleared it was nearly nine and Olivia had to declare it was the best family dinner she'd ever had. When Elliot went to sort out the check, Maureen moved into his chair.

"Is everything alright, Liv?" she whispered as her siblings engaged in their own conversation.

"Everything's great," Olivia replied, smiling happily, leaning towards her eldest step daughter.

"It didn't sound like it earlier," she continued. "You sounded upset."

.

Olivia knew there were two ways to go – lie and tell her she was just tired or to go with the truth. After everything Maureen had done for them she owed her the truth.

"I was," she admitted. "I think everything just hit me – you know the cancer, the stress of work, your mother."

"Oh, Liv, I'm sorry," Maureen whispered, pulling her chair closer and wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "Did you talk to dad?"

"Sort of – he talked to me ... he figured it out. He's a smart man, your father," she said smiling before looking over to the counter where Elliot had been standing. "Where did he go?"

"Dad followed the guy out there," Dickie said, pointing to the foyer. "Want me to go see if everything's alright?" he asked standing up. Olivia nodded and he left.

.

When Dickie met up with his father, he was talking to the hotel manager and looking very confused.

"What's wrong, dad?" he asked, coming to stand next to him as the hotel manager made a call.

"The bill, was already paid ... just trying to figure it out..." Elliot said, looking at the detailed receipt in his hand.

"The dinner bill?" asked Dickie. "How's that possible?"

"Not just the dinner bill – the entire hotel bill," Elliot said, handing his son the receipt which included the four nights accommodation, cost of the wedding, all meals, gratuities and a surplus fund in case other costs were incurred.

"$26, 824!" Dickie exclaimed. "Man, I knew weddings were expensive but god!"

"Well, Liv had wanted the honeymoon suite at a plush hotel – this was the best of the best," Elliot explained, taking back the receipt. "Figured it was the least I could do for her given everything she's done for me."

"True," said Dickie. "She's pretty amazing, isn't she?"

"Certainly is," Elliot said, grinning widely.

Scanning the receipt once more as the hotel manager concluded his call, Dickie pointed to line at the bottom. 'Account paid to the amount of $30,000, reimbursement to the couple of unused portion at the conclusion of stay.'

"Did you pay the $30,000, dad?" Dickie asked and Elliot shook his head.

"I gave them a credit card imprint for the deposit but that was $6000, and they haven't processed it," he said, looking at the manager as he approached.

.

The manager was grinning as he stopped in front of father and son.

"Do you believe in fairy godmothers, Mr Benson-Stabler?" he asked, taking back the receipt.

"No, I don't, why?" Elliot replied.

"Well, you should – or rather, in your case, it seems to be godfathers," he said with a chuckle.

"What do you mean?" asked Dickie, looking from his father to the manager.

"On Friday, at 6:36 PM a payment of $10,000 was made in your name by a Mr John Munch...my assistant manager just informed me that Mr Munch made the comment that he was more than happy to put his money towards a happy marriage for once," the manager informed them.

"Munch paid $10,000," Elliot said incredulously.

"Well, I guess it came from his windfall," Dickie said, putting his arm around Elliot's shoulder.

"What windfall?" Elliot asked, turning to him.

"He said at your wedding dinner that he'd had a windfall of just under $50,000 and was going to make sure it didn't go in alimony," he said, smiling at his father.

"I don't remember him saying that," Elliot remarked, trying to think back.

"You were too busy making googly eyes at Liv," Dickie chuckled.

Elliot shook his head, trying to take in the news of Munch's generosity – then he remembered the other $20,000.

"What about the rest?" Dickie asked for him.

"That was also paid on Friday night, and paid by the father of the bride," the manager said and Elliot's jaw dropped.

"Ah, that's not possible," he finally said.

"That's what the assistant manager said; at the end of the night a Mr Donald Cragen made the payment and said he was the father of the bride. Is that not the case?" he asked, taking in Elliot's shock.

"Don Cragen is his boss, their boss," Dickie corrected.

"Well, he must think the world of you both," the manager said. "So, mystery solved – account paid."

.

Dickie and Elliot were still approaching the table when Olivia realised there was something amiss.

"What's wrong, Elliot?" she said, getting to her feet. "You look pale."

"He's fine, Liv," Dickie reassured her as he pulled out a chair for his father.

"Yeah, Liv, I'm fine," he finally said, smiling at her.

"Really?" she questioned. "I'm not that convinced." She moved around the table to sit next to him once more. "What happened out there? You were gone a long time."

Elliot looked at Dickie and laughed. "Think she'll believe me?" he asked his son.

"Do you believe it?" Dickie asked and Elliot shook his head.

"What is it?" Olivia said, frustrated at the delay.

"Well, our account has been paid in full," he said, taking her hand.

"Our dinner account?" she asked before turning to Maureen. "Did you kids pay?"

"No," she replied, shaking her head.

"Not dinner, Livia, the hotel account – wedding, accommodation, flowers, celebrant, room service, everything," Elliot explained, still trying to process the news himself.

"Someone paid it for us?" she asked, confused by the conversation.

"Two people, actually," Dickie informed her. "You have two fairy godfathers," he added with a chuckle.

Lizzie shook her head. "Huh?" This wasn't any clearer to her either.

"Munch paid $10,000 of it and Don paid $20, 000," Elliot said, taking both her hands in his and watched the surprise and shock play across his wife's face. "It's true," he added as she came to terms with it.

"Why?" she mouthed, her voice disappearing.

"Well, Munch was from a windfall he had," Dickie said. "And Don said it was because he was father of the bride."

"Really?" Olivia questioned, shaking her head.

"Makes sense," said Kathleen and they all turned to her. "Well, think about it – Don gave you away, Liv... he danced with you after dad did – which is usually the father and daughter dance and he made the toast on your behalf..."

"Oh god," Olivia muttered before the tears started.

Elliot moved to embrace her, kissing her cheek as she nuzzled into him.

"You okay, baby?" he whispered into her ear and felt her nod in response. "Sure?"

"Yeah," she replied pulling back. "It's just overwhelming."

.

And it was, in the course of 48 hours she had a husband, four children and someone who she was proud to call father.

Was it possible to have everything your heart desired and keep it?

**_Please don't forget to review! _**


	34. Chapter 34

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

Treatment 4

In the two weeks between the wedding and the fourth treatment cycle, things had gone smoothly. Olivia had returned to work and Elliot had remained home with Maureen, spending time doing some maintenance at the house and helping Maureen put together a new résumé for part time work and, hopefully within a couple of months, Elliot's treatments would be over and she could, once again, find full time employment.

Finally, Don was able to give Olivia some official leave, and whilst it was only for ten days, it included the week of the treatment, which coincided with the kids being on a school break. Trying to reconcile with her children, Kathy had invited them to New Mexico for two weeks hoping things would go better on neutral ground.

Initially, no one wanted to go and all four came up with excuses not to attend, the most obvious being the desire to be at home for Elliot as he went through the next round of treatment. However, he had brushed it aside and explained that as Olivia would be home it would be okay, and maybe this was a good opportunity for them to speak to their mother without feeling obligated to Olivia and himself.

Knowing her father was trying to keep their relationship with their mother intact, and happy to know Olivia would be there for him, Maureen was the first one to agree to the trip. When she was still met by the resistance of her siblings, she took them out to dinner and by the time they returned the girls were all going. Dickie was not, he had football training sessions and he really didn't want to miss them.

The girls flew out Sunday afternoon, and Monday morning Dickie left for school, not pleased to have to be there on his break. Glancing at the clock, Olivia rolled over in bed and into the arms of her husband.

"You know Connie will be here in thirty minutes," she said, as he trailed kisses down her neck.

"Yep," he replied, becoming preoccupied with her collarbone.

"Do you want to have a shower and get dressed before she gets here?" she asked, trying to resist the desire to take this a whole lot further.

"Nope," he replied, shifting further down in the bed.

"Do you want to do this round of treatment in bed?" she asked, suppressing a moan, as his tongue circled her navel.

Elliot looked up, his eyelids heavy with desire. "You know, Liv, if you'd stop resisting me, we'd be finished in plenty of time," he said, raising an eyebrow as his hand slipped between her legs.

"I'm yours," she mumbled, conceding immediately.

.

Punctual as always, Connie rang the doorbell at exactly 9:00 AM and was surprised when Olivia met her, still in her dressing gown; Elliot was in the shower.

"Sorry, Connie," she said, by way of greeting. "We're running behind this morning," she apologised, not prepared to say why.

"That's okay," Connie said, heading into the living room and putting her case on the coffee table. "I wasn't sure I'd see you here," she continued, opening the case. Having spoken to Kathy during the last cycle, she was surprised to see Olivia here in Kathy's home.

"Well, there have been a lot of changes since the last cycle," Olivia said, holding out her left hand. "Elliot and I got married for one."

"Oh my, they're beautiful," Connie gushed, looking closely at the rings.

"I think so too," she said, beaming.

"So, can I ask why you're both still here? This is his ex-wife's house, isn't it?" Connie asked, not wanting to pry but very curious.

"Well," Olivia started, as they headed to the kitchen to get coffee. "There were some issues during the last treatment cycle, and as a result Kathy went to her sister's in New Mexico, it's where the girls are now. My place isn't big enough for four kids as well, and the twins' school is only three blocks from here. So, here we are?"

Before long, Elliot appeared dressed in grey sweats and looking more relaxed than Connie had ever seen him.

"I guess married life agrees with you, Elliot. Congratulations," she said, patting his arm.

"Thanks, Connie. It's by far the best thing I have ever done," he replied, kissing Olivia's cheek.

.

The treatment itself followed its normal course and by Wednesday Elliot was as tired and confused as he usually was, despite Olivia's care. Early in the afternoon, the doorbell rang and it was Connie, for the second time that day.

"I'm sorry, Olivia," she apologised. "I left my diary on the armchair and I need some information for tonight."

"Come on in," she replied, ushering Connie into the house. "Are you in a hurry or can you stop for lunch?" she asked. "I'm just organising something for Elliot and me, it's no trouble."

"Are you sure?" she asked, looking hungrily at the bread and various ingredients already spread over the counter.

"Positive, come and sit down," she said, pointing to a stool at the breakfast bar. "Coffee?"

"Thanks," Connie replied. "This is a luxury," she said with a smile. "Don't know the last time I actually ate lunch with someone...it's usually a matter of grabbing something and eating in my car between visits."

"We'll I'll enjoy the company. At least you'll make a bit more sense that El at the moment," she said with a chuckle.

.

Studying Olivia for a moment, Connie tried to figure out the statement.

"What do you mean?" she asked, putting down her coffee.

"Elliot's confusion ... I know it's all part of the treatment, you know, with the fatigue and all, but it can get tiring repeating things over and over," Olivia explained.

"He never seems confused in the mornings, although by Friday he is exhausted," she noted, making up her own sandwich with the buttered bread Olivia handed her.

"It's a cumulative thing," she explained. "Monday's he's okay, Tuesday he's tired, by today he seems confused, Thursdays are worse, then by Friday he's a mess. After a good night sleep he's much better and by Sunday's he's much like his old self. What?" she asked, realising Connie was looking oddly at her.

"Has this been the pattern for the other three cycles?" she asked.

"Yes, why?" Olivia answered, suddenly scared.

"The fatigue and nausea are common, Olivia, but mental confusion isn't, not beyond what fatigue causes," she explained.

"Then what's causing it?" she asked, sitting down.

"Could be a number of things, but most likely just a reaction to the drugs," she explained. "But it's something we have to address," she added.

"What do you mean?" asked Olivia, no longer interested in her lunch.

"When I get back to the hospital this afternoon, I'll talk to Stephen Bainbridge. I think he'll want to see Elliot in there tomorrow. See what's happening and see if we need to adjust things," she said, lowering her voice as Elliot appeared in the doorway.

"Treatment already?" he groaned, looking at Connie. "Didn't we just finish the last cycle?" he asked, wearily.

"No, Elliot," Olivia said, walking over and wrapping her arms around him. "Connie forgot her diary. Today is Wednesday; you've had your treatment already."

"Wednesday?" he echoed. "How did it get to be Wednesday?"

"Well, yesterday was Tuesday," she explained, leading him over to a kitchen chair. "Can I get you something?"

"Nah," he sighed, sitting before leaning on her, his arms wrapped loosely around her stomach.

"You sure?" she asked, gently caressing his head.

"Hate feeling like this," he said, rolling his head back to look at her.

"I know, baby," she soothed. "But Connie thinks there's a reason for it and that we may need to adjust the CHOP drugs you have in the treatment."

"That'll be good," he replied wearily, looking over to Connie.

"So, I'll see you at the hospital tomorrow and we'll sort it out."

.

At the use of the word 'hospital' Elliot's eyes widened and his heart pounded. While it was true he hated hospitals with a passion, this was different. Previously, his role as patient had been work related and he could think of nothing worse than lying in an uncomfortable bed while whichever perp he had been after got further away. With this condition, however, things were different. Against reason and everything else, he was scared; scared that if they admitted him for his cancer treatment then he wouldn't come home again. He couldn't explain it, even to himself, and he wouldn't even think about telling Olivia.

"No! No hospital," he said, looking from his nurse to his wife.

"It's for the best, El," Olivia said quietly, kissing the top of his head.

"But I..." he began, searching her eyes.

"Trust me," she whispered. "I won't let you stay in a minute more than necessary."

.

The discussion with Dr Bainbridge and Connie had been quite detailed and Olivia had to admit, much of what was said went over her head particularly when it related to the pharmaceutical products they were talking about. When she asked them to summarise it was easier to follow. The Chop treatment consisted of the drugs Cyclophosphamide, Hydroxydaunomycin, Oncovin (vincristine) and Prednisone. One side effect of the Oncovin was hyponatremia, meaning there was an imbalance of salt and water in his body, causing some of his difficulties. In addition, the Prednisone, in its current dosage, was causing mental confusion. Both professionals agreed that by altering the current medications and adding another one, Elliot should experience less confusion in the next course.

After it was all said and done, Elliot and Olivia remained in his private room in the Oncology ward.

"Stay with me," Elliot pleaded as Olivia looked at the clock. It had already gone seven and Dickie was home alone.

"What about your son?" she asked and his eyes clouded over. With no one else in the home, he wouldn't leave him in the house overnight alone, even if he was sixteen.

"Fine," he muttered, closing his eyes, he couldn't argue with her.

"I'll be in as early as I can in the morning though," she whispered, kissing his forehead.

"Okay," he replied, his eyes still closed so she wouldn't see his tears.

"Love you so much, Elliot," she said, brushing her lips against his.

"Love you too," he replied, opening his eyes to see her one last time.

"I'll be back as soon as I can, okay?" she said, caressing his face.

"Yeah, okay."

.

Although not wanting to leave him in the place he hated being, Olivia returned to Queens with takeout for Dickie and herself. Chatting endlessly about football; training drills, playing fixtures, the new uniform design, Dickie was trying to take Olivia's mind off his father. In the end he gave up.

"Why don't you go back in and see him, Livvy?" he asked.

"It's nearly eleven," she replied, looking at the clock.

"You won't sleep until you do," he replied, looking at her tired features.

"What about you?" she asked, not wanting him home alone.

"I'm a big boy, Liv. I can stay home alone," he said, switching off the television. "Besides, I doubt the hospital will let you stay all night, so, if you go in and see him and come home, you'll only be gone a couple of hours."

.

Taking her stepson's advice, Olivia went back into Mt Sinai and was home again in bed by three; Elliot having slept through her entire visit, Olivia took this as a good sign and hoped sleep would come as quick for her – it didn't. Despite her fatigue, her mind was full and running through countless things; from the relevant to the ridiculous. Having finally drifted off after about two hours, she was woken by her cell just after six.

"Is it too early?" Elliot asked without greeting.

"No, it's not," she replied wearily, still managing to smile. "I'll be in as soon as I can."

Before his breakfast tray was cleared, Olivia was in the hospital sitting alongside the bed as Elliot dozed, oblivious to her presence. Tempted to wake him, or at least to tell him to move over so she could join him, Olivia resisted, instead, leafing through the countless support and information booklets she found in his bedside cupboard.

It was nearly an hour later when Elliot awoke.

"Morning, beautiful," he said, reaching out to caress her face, just as Olivia had dozed off.

Alarmed she sat up quickly. "Elliot?"

"Sorry, Liv, didn't mean to startle you," he apologised, taking her hand.

"That's okay," she replied, kissing his hand. "How are you feeling this morning?"

"Okay," he replied.

"That's good," Olivia replied, yawning.

"Did you get any sleep last night?" he asked, tugging her towards the bed.

"Not much," she replied, yawning again.

"You want to climb in with me and try now?" he asked, moving backwards in his narrow bed.

She smiled. "As great an offer that is," she replied, squeezing his hand. "Your treatment should begin in about ten minutes."

.

Far from making things better for Elliot, the revised drugs for his chemotherapy treatment only served to make him violently ill, bringing the treatment to an abrupt end as the nurses hurried to disconnect the IV and clean up the vomit which had sprayed everywhere.

"Sorry, Livvy," he groaned almost pitifully as she tried to clean her shirt.

"Not your fault, baby," she soothed, reaching over to caress his cheek. "How are you feeling now?"

"Fucking crap," he mumbled as the nurse entered the room with another IV bag.

"Now, Mr Benson-Stabler, this is a saline solution and will rehydrate you. It should take about twenty five minutes to run and then Dr Bainbridge will come and see you about running a revised treatment," she reported, hanging the bag.

"You mean more chemo, today?" he asked, surprised, once a day was definitely enough.

"I'm not sure if it will be today, but Dr Bainbridge will let you know. There's not much of this morning's chemo left if your system," she said with a wry smile.

.

By the time the doctor arrived, the IV had long since finished and Elliot was showered and in fresh boxers and tee, the bed was stripped, disinfected and remade and the floor and walls had been cleaned. When he slipped back into bed, Olivia had gone into his private bathroom and cleaned up, changing into the blue shirt he'd worn upon his admission.

"Looks better on you," he said as she came back out, she smiled her thanks. Before she could speak the doctor arrived and Olivia held her breath.

"Now, this morning's results weren't as we had hoped, obviously," he said, looking from Elliot to Olivia.

"Obviously," muttered Elliot.

"So, we're going to try a different combination tomorrow," he reported, looking from his clipboard.

"Tomorrow?" Elliot repeated.

"Yes, I think it's best we sort this out now so you can have the proper combination for the next two cycles," Dr Bainbridge said. "Don't you?"

"Yes, we do," Olivia replied for them when she realised Elliot was about to resist.

"Good, then I'll be in in the morning and we'll see how it goes."

.

When the doctor was out of earshot, Elliot turned to Olivia.

"I _do not_ want to stay in here another night," he said harshly.

"I don't want you to stay either," she replied, knowing she wouldn't sleep until they were in the same bed once more.

"Then why did you just agree?" he asked, confused.

"Because if one more night in hospital makes the next two cycles better for you, then it's worth it," she said, before yawning again.

Although about to argue, Elliot took in his wife's fatigue. He knew she'd been there in the night, a nurse had told him not long after he'd called her. He'd then felt guilty for having woken her but he didn't call her back as he was desperate to see her. Now, looking at her heavy eyes, and the dark circles under them, he wanted to make everything better for her.

Pulling back his blanket, he pushed back in his bed.

"Come and sleep with me, Livia," he said, quietly and she slipped into bed beside him. "I promise I won't wake you," he whispered, turning off the overhead light.

It took nothing more than a few tender caresses, a gentle kiss and his declaration of love to send Olivia into the slumber her body and mind craved. Her sleep was instant and deep and short, brought to an end by the cell in her pocket ringing. Trying not to let it disturb her, Elliot slipped his hand into her pocket and retrieved it.

.

Speaking quietly, he answered it.

"Benson-Stabler," he said, happy the name was now the same for the both of them.

"Ah, is this Mrs Olivia Benson-Stabler?" asked the caller.

"No, it's her husband," he replied, loving he could use the term.

"Oh, Mr Stabler, this is Jenny Foley, I'm calling on behalf of Coach Simpson," Jenny explained.

"Yes, Jenny, how can we help you?" he said quietly, suspecting Olivia was awake and listening but wanting to err on the side of caution.

"Dickie was involved in a training mishap this morning and he has hurt his leg," she reported and Elliot sighed, Olivia's sleep didn't need to be interrupted for something so minor.

"He's hurt his leg?" he questioned. "What? Does he need a ride home or something?"

"Um, no, not exactly," Jenny replied. "Coach Simpson went with him in the ambulance to Elmhurst Medical Centre..."

"Ambulance? Hospital? What the hell happened?" he asked and Olivia sat up, wide awake.

**_Please don't forget to review! The magic update figure is 900 and something._**


	35. Chapter 35

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**The magic update number was 908, so here we go again....we won't keep Dickie's problems hanging any longer....**

It took Olivia forty five minutes to get from Mt Sinai to Elmhurst in travel time, in addition to the ten minute argument she'd had with Elliot prior to leaving. Declaring he was fine and wanting to sign out against medical advice, Elliot was insistent that he be with his son. Olivia argued that it could be nothing more than a bad knock and it wasn't worth all the upheaval until they knew what was happening.

Conceding that he could wait until she called with a medical update, Elliot laid back in his bed and Olivia had departed.

Now, as Olivia entered the Emergency Room at Elmhurst, she was glad Elliot was not there. Dickie was as pale as the white sheet he lay on and writhing in pain as she approached his bed.

"Dickie, sweetheart," she said, taking his hand, before a large man appeared around the corner.

"Mrs Stabler?" he asked, and Olivia nodded. "Coach Simpson. Sorry about this," he said, nodding at Dickie. "He was telling me how you were at the other hospital with his dad."

"That's okay," she said, looking at Dickie. "What happened?"

"Well," said the young intern coming into the room. "Dickie has three fractures in his lower left leg. One fracture in the tibia, two in the fibula," he said tapping the x-rays on the screen. "If you look at the this fragment, between the two breaks, you'll see it's floating. As a result, we're going to need to operate and insert a rod and screws to stabilise the lower leg and ..."

"No, I don't want an operation!" Dickie protested loudly, Olivia squeezed his hand. "Just plaster it."

"It's not that simple," said the doctor. "If we just plaster your leg, it won't heal properly and you'll have lifelong problems."

"But..." he went to protest once again.

"Look, son," said Coach Simpson. "I know you want to get back to playing, but if the doc says surgery, then surgery it is. I know it means you'll be out of the game for longer but if it's what's for the best..."

"And it is, replied the doctor. "The orthopaedic surgeon will be down shortly to discuss it further."

.

After the doctor and coach departed, Olivia sat on the edge of the bed and held Dickie's hands in hers.

"I'm so sorry, Liv," he whispered, tears streaming down his face.

"What for, honey?" she asked, wiping them away.

"This is the last thing you need," he replied, choking on his tears. "You know, with dad and everything."

"These things happen, Dickie. It can't be helped," she soothed, squeezing his hand.

"Are you going to tell dad?" he asked and Olivia sighed. She knew she had to do it, but didn't want to upset his treatment.

"Yeah, I will," she finally said.

"What about mom? Will you tell her?" he asked shyly.

"Do you want me too?" Olivia asked quietly.

"I don't know," he replied. "You think she'd care?"

"I think she'd care very much," she replied, kissing his head.

After they had spoken to the surgeon, Dickie and Olivia worked out their own plan. During the surgery, expected to take a few hours at least, Olivia would go and see Elliot and explain the situation to him. Then, she would return to Elmhurst and see Dickie after the surgery and make sure everything went okay. If it did, she'd return to Elliot. If there were any problems she'd stay with Dickie and when he woke up the next day, he'd decide about his mother.

That was the plan.

Waiting for the surgery seemed an interminably long time for Olivia as she watched the nervous teen fidget in his bed. She wondered whether she was doing the right thing not letting Elliot be there for him, after all he was Dickie's father, and his mother was miles away. It was Dickie who eased her concerns.

"You know, Liv, if dad was okay, then I'd want him here, but I'm sort of glad he's not," Dickie admitted, clutching the sheet tighter.

"Why's that?" she asked, moving to hold his hands.

"'Cause right now I'm really scared and I think I'm gonna cry and I don't want him to think I'm a wuss. I mean, he's so tough about these things..." Dickie said quietly.

"I think your father would be incredibly proud of you right now," Olivia said, kissing his hand. "Do you want to talk to him? Or your mom? I could see the nurse..."

"No, Liv, you're here...I'm okay," he replied.

Olivia only let her tears flow when they'd wheeled him into the operating theatre, he looked like his dad in so many ways and it brought back all the emotions of watching Elliot go in for his surgery. What she wouldn't do to have Fin around right now. She could do with a hug.

Leaving behind every possible contact number, Olivia headed back to Mt Sinai, rehearsing what she'd say the entire way. Upon her return, Elliot was asleep, the nurse reporting he'd had another bout of severe vomiting in her absence. Sighing deeply, Olivia dropped into the chair by the bed and cradled her heavy head in her hands. There were no words to describe just how tired she was feeling right now – mentally, physically, emotionally.

"Ma'am," said the nurse quietly. "Is there anything I can get you?"

Olivia looked up wearily. There was so much she needed, so much she wanted but nothing the nurse could help her with so she shook her head. "Have you eaten at all today? Can I get you a sandwich or some water?"

Olivia shook her head once more. True she hadn't eaten since dinner the night before with Dickie but she felt like crap – tired, bloated crap and food wouldn't help.

.

The afternoon drifted by and looking at her watch, Olivia knew she'd have to wake Elliot if they were to have a decent conversation before she returned to his son, her son.

"Baby, you have to wake up for me," she cooed as she kissed his head. He didn't respond. So she tried again, this time louder and shaking him. "Elliot, wake up."

Struggling through his sleep haze, Elliot opened his eyes and tried to focus on his wife.

"Oh, you're back," he said with a yawn.

"I've been back a while, Elliot," she reported, patting his face as his eyes drifted closed once more. "Elliot!"

"Yeah!" he said, jerking awake. "Sorry."

"You have to listen to me, okay?" she said, holding his face in place.

"Yeah, listening," he said, his bleary gaze locking on hers. "How's Dickie?"

"He's going to be okay..." she started slowly. "I'm about to go back and see him."

"But you just got here," he protested.

"No, I've been here three hours, you've just slept through it," she explained. "Now, Dickie has broken his leg and ..."

"Shit, how'd he do that?" Elliot questioned, his eyes widening.

"Some training drill," she replied, waving her hand. "Now, they needed to operate..."

"Surgery... my son's having surgery..." he said, sitting upright.

"Had... El... he had surgery...I spoke to the hospital about ten minutes ago and it's all done and everything's fine. The put in a rod and screws and it all looks good," she reported. "But now I have to go back and see him, okay?"

"I'm coming with you," he said, struggling to pull back the covers Olivia was holding in place.

.

Any argument that he was fine was disproved the moment he stood up and swooned, the events of the day taking its toll.

"And you expect me to take you to Elmhurst like that?" Olivia growled frustrated.

"It's my son," he protested.

"Yeah, and he's my son too – well, stepson," Olivia said. "I can take care of him."

"I know," Elliot answered. "But I just want to see for myself that he's okay."

"I'll send you a photo from my cell but, seriously, El, you're not up to it ... and Dickie isn't up to seeing you like this," she explained, helping him back into bed.

"Fine!" he growled back, annoyed only at himself.

"I'm so sorry," Olivia apologised quietly and Elliot looked up, hearing the tears in her voice.

"What are you sorry for?" he asked, pulling her to him.

"That you can't see him and he can't see you and I can't be here for you and there for him both at the same time and ..." She stopped as the tears trickled down her cheeks. It was only then Elliot realised just what sort of pressure was truly on her.

"Oh baby, baby," he soothed, holding her tightly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Ssh!"

Olivia tried to talk but it was futile, her tears taking her voice.

"I love you, Liv," he cooed, hoping it would calm her. "Sorry this is all on you."

"It's okay," she finally said, pulling back. "It's just bad timing."

"Anything I can do to make it easier for you?" he asked as he dried her face.

"Just cooperate with the nurses, rest, and try not to worry," she said, placing a kiss on his forehead.

"I will," he promised.

"I'll call you soon and let you know how he is," she promised, kissing him once more.

"Okay," he said. "Um," he paused for a moment. "Does Kathy know?"

"Not yet," Olivia said. "I did ask him and he wasn't sure he wanted her to know. He said he'd decide tomorrow."

"She should be told," he said, knowing he'd want to know if the situation was reversed.

"Yeah, I know," she conceded, she just wasn't up to doing it.

"Want me to call?" he offered, knowing Olivia was already overwhelmed the way things were.

"Yeah," she sighed. "I've got to go," she added. "Love you."

.

Having just been taken from recovery to his ward, Olivia stood at Dickie's doorway, fighting the urge to cry. He looked so young and fragile with his leg encased in some sort of contraption. Her fatigue was playing havoc with her emotions, and she knew she had to be in control before she spoke to him. Dickie didn't give her the chance.

"Dad?" he called out in his anaesthetic haze. "Dad?"

"He's not here, Dickie," Olivia soothed, taking his hand. "But I am. How are you doing?"

"Feel like crap," he mumbled as she kissed his head.

"I know you do, honey," she whispered as he drifted off once more.

After a quick call to Elliot to tell him Dickie was okay, Olivia sank into the armchair, hoping to get some sleep. It wasn't all that successful as a procession of nurses and orderlies came in and out of the room, each one disturbing her. By the time she had fallen into a deep sleep, Dickie was awake and calling for her.

Wearily she propped herself on the bed on his uninjured side and took hold of his hand.

"You look terrible," he said to Olivia, taking in her exhausted features.

"Gee, thanks, Dickie," she replied with half a smile. "You don't look too great yourself."

"Sorry, Liv. I just meant you look really tired," he apologised as he squeezed her hand.

"That may have something to do with you Stabler men not letting me get any sleep lately," she replied, stifling a yawn.

"At least mine's injury related," he quipped. "And not due to ...ah... recreational pursuits."

In her sleep – deprived haze, it took Olivia a little longer to figure out what he meant but when she did, she blushed.

"Dickie!" she scolded playfully.

"Well, you can't deny it," he said, his own brain fog inhibiting his ability to censor his words. "The walls at home aren't soundproof you know," he said with a yawn.

"Well, ah, anyway," she coughed. "How about we call your dad and you can speak to him about it?"

Dickie nodded and yawned once more.

.

Putting the call on the speaker, Olivia sat back and listened to father and son having a very stilted conversation; both trying not to tell the other anything negative about their current condition. The pain in her husband's voice was as clear to her as the pain she saw on her stepson's face.

"I called your mother, son," Elliot said, and Olivia watched the concern spread over Dickie's face. "She's trying to organise flights home, she'll call back with the details."

Olivia moved back to his side and rubbed Dickie's arm as his eyes filled with tears. He hated to admit it, especially with Olivia being the one beside him, but despite everything his mother had done she was still his mom and he missed her and needed her.

"It's alright," Olivia whispered, leaning down to hug him. "I know you miss her." It was enough to cause Dickie's tears to spill over and Elliot could hear his sobs down the line.

"Is everything alright?" he asked. "Liv? Dickie? What's going on?"

"It's okay, dad," Dickie said tearfully, swiping at his tears.

"Liv?" he questioned, wanting to hear it from her.

"It's okay, Elliot," she said, patting Dickie's arm. "Look, we're going to go and I'll call you back soon."

"Are you sure everything's okay?" he asked again.

"Promise," she replied.

"Okay," he said slowly. "I love you both very much."

"Love you too," they replied in near unison.

.

With the call disconnected, Dickie lay quietly for a while; Olivia knew he had things on his mind.

"It might be easier to talk about it," Olivia said, drawing her chair closer.

"Not sure you're the right person," he replied before considering his words. "Sorry, Liv, I mean ... well, it's about mom and ..."

"We can talk about your mom, it's okay," she reassured him.

"Is it possible to love someone and hate them at the same time?" he asked, closing his eyes.

"Yeah, it is," Olivia said, taking his hand.

"How is it that I don't want to be around her but I want her to be here?" he asked, a tear trailing down his cheek.

"It's because she's your mom," Olivia answered quietly. "We get to love them and hate them and need them and want our space from them all because they're the mom." She spoke from her own painful upbringing. No matter how hard life was with Serena Benson, she'd give anything for another day with her, for another hour, another minute.

"But if mom comes home, she'll be at the house, which will mean you and dad will go home and we won't get to see you," he said tearfully.

"You'll still see us," Olivia said, squeezing his hand once more.

"Dad, maybe, but what about you?" he asked, drawing a deep breath.

"You, kiddo," she said, standing and kissing his forehead. "Are stuck with me forever – and your mom being around won't change that, ever."

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Positive."

.

Sighing deeply, Dickie closed his heavy eyes.

"Liv, I know you're really tired and I know that dad needs you but..." His voice trailed as he considered whether he had the right to ask.

"I can stay here tonight with you," she replied, kissing his head once more before adjusting his covers.

"What about dad?" he asked, yawning again.

"I'll call him when you go to sleep, I'm sure he'll understand."

**_Please don't forget to review! The magic update figure is 940 _**

**_Please read and review Death of a Child too._**


	36. Chapter 36

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**The magic update number was 940, thank you so much, so here we go again...Okay, here's the deal with this one...after posting rapidly (as I'm sure you'll agree) I have used up my stockpile of chapters as this one makes 36 chapters in 4 months (That's an average of 9 per month). I do have the next chapter half done but I either have to start setting higher review targets or just ask for your patience... not sure which one I'll have more luck with. So, I'm sure you can figure out my next target number ...which amazes me that I'm anywhere near it... the next update may be awhile (for me anyway...like maybe next week) but I'm sure you'll forgive me by the end of this chapter.**

Sitting alone in a darkened garden with her coffee and a sandwich she was sure had been made last week, Olivia called Elliot.

"What was wrong earlier?" he asked, after greetings had been exchanged.

"Dickie was a little upset and he didn't want you to know," she reported, with a sigh, her fatigue sapping every last ounce of energy she had.

"What was he upset about?" Elliot asked, wishing he could be there for his son, and for his wife.

"Kathy mainly," she replied. "He misses her and needs her to be with him. I guess he was thinking she wouldn't come back to see him."

"Well, she is," he said. "Can't get a flight til late tomorrow so she won't see him til Sunday."

"So, I guess I should pack up our things at the house before then," Olivia said, wondering where she was going to get the time, let alone the energy, to do it.

"Leave it until next week," he responded. "I'll be able to do it, or at least help you."

"We'll see," she sighed. It wasn't that she didn't want his help; she just wanted to be gone from the house before Kathy returned.

"Am I going to see you tonight?" he asked, dreading the answer he figured was coming.

"Sorry, babe," she replied. "Dickie needs me to stay here. I hope that's okay."

"Yeah, I'll miss not seeing you but since I've monopolised a lot of your time lately, it's only fair that I share you now," he answered, his heart heavy.

"That's very noble of you," Olivia said, tossing most of her sandwich into the trash.

"I'm a wonderful guy," he replied with a laugh. "God, I wish I was there with you," he said, turning serious.

"I wish you were here too," she sighed. "Actually, I wish everyone was home, healthy and tucked up in bed."

"Me too," Elliot agreed. "Especially because then I'd have you all to myself and we could re-enact some more of the 'special' moments from our honeymoon."

"Well, if we do that again with kids in the house then we'll need to get them some earplugs because, as Dickie informs me, 'the walls are soundproof'," she reported wearily.

"He what?" Elliot choked.

"He was a bit drowsy, don't know if he even realised he was saying it aloud," Olivia said, before downing the rest of her cold coffee.

"You sound drowsy yourself," he said. "Are you going to get some sleep tonight?"

"God, I hope so," she sighed, her eyes prickling with the tears she was desperately fighting.

Whoever said hospitals were places to rest were liars, Olivia declared, when her sleep was interrupted yet again at some ungodly hour of the morning. Heading to the bathroom, she couldn't remember ever feeling so bad before – not with the endless days working a case, not when she had the flu, not even when she had a hangover. Studying herself in the mirror, she saw the large dark circles under her eyes and her pale skin, highlighted by the unflattering fluorescent lighting above her.

After using the toilet, Olivia flushed it and turned to open the door, grabbing the wall as her head spun. Sitting down once more, she hung her head between her knees, hoping to stop the dizziness before it spread to her stomach. It didn't help and soon she was vomiting what little she had in her stomach into the toilet bowl.

Feeling a little better after she had rinsed out her mouth and washed her face, Olivia put the experience down to the near inedible sandwich and returned to Dickie's room. Hoping desperately for a couple of hours of sleep, Olivia was sure it would make her feel better, or at least a little more human.

Three hours was all she got but she was thankful, it was the most she'd had since Sunday night, since she never really slept through Elliot's treatment week. Usually she was listening for any indication he wasn't well or that he needed her.

Leaving Dickie as he ate his breakfast, Olivia headed to the house to shower and change. While she was there she packed most of their things that were in Maureen's bedroom into a couple of bags and set them in the hallway. Stripping the bed and depositing the bed linen into the laundry, Olivia hoped Maureen wouldn't mind her not remaking the bed.

Her next stop was to the bathroom to collect their toiletries. Again, Olivia needed to sit down, her head and stomach dancing around once more. It wasn't so much nausea, just a really off feeling and Olivia hoped she could keep it all together, at least until she'd seen Elliot and hopefully headed home for a few hours of uninterrupted slumber.

Despite her best plans, Olivia only made it to the hospital corridor, two rooms from Elliot's, before she collapsed. Hearing the commotion, Elliot thought it was some patient in the next room and hoped all went well, but then he heard Connie's voice call Olivia's name and his blood ran cold.

Jumping from the bed, he raced to the scene, dropping to his knees beside his still unconscious wife.

"Olivia! Liv!" he called, patting her face. "Baby, wake up," he pleaded. "What's wrong with her?" he asked, turning to Connie.

"I'd say she's collapsed, probably from exhaustion," Connie said, taking Elliot's arm. "They're going to take her down to Emergency and run some tests. I'll go with her..."

"I'm coming too," Elliot said, moving back as an orderly arrived with a gurney.

"That's probably not a good move, Elliot," she said taking his arm and pulling him back as Olivia was loaded onto the bed. "You are susceptible to any bug that may be down there."

"Like I give a shit about that," he retorted.

"You're also not well yourself," she added.

"Connie, she's my wife and ..." he began.

"Okay, I'll make a deal with you," Connie interjected, deciding to compromise. "I will take her down and get it all started and come back and get you."

"Okay," Elliot conceded, knowing there wasn't much he could do for her while she was still unconscious.

By the time Connie came to collect Elliot, he'd pulled on some sweats and was sitting waiting on the side of his bed.

"I'm not using that!" he said in disgust as Connie appeared pushing a wheelchair.

"You are," she replied firmly. "You are still a patient – "

"I'll sign myself out," he interjected.

"I'm sure Olivia will be _so _pleased," she replied, knowing that she was his Achilles heel. "Besides, I've spoken to the doctor down there and explained your situation and he said you could be there, so long as you cooperated, were in a wheelchair and were accompanied by a nurse. So, if you can cooperate, I can do the rest."

"Fine," he muttered, getting into the chair. "Thanks," he added, knowing she was doing the best for him.

Before they exited the elevator, Elliot had donned a surgical mask to try and prevent him picking up some bug or other. Again he had protested, but Connie had simply explained the logistics of Olivia being able to care for herself, Dickie and Elliot in her current state and, once again, Elliot had conceded immediately.

For the first thirty minutes of Olivia's stay in the emergency department, she was in a trauma room and Connie and Elliot stayed in the corner, trying hard to keep out of the way of the staff attending to her. After monitors were hooked up, the IV attached, and blood drawn, Elliot was allowed to sit by her bed and hold her hand whilst they waited for the pathology results. Caressing her head and whispering endless sweet things, declaring his love repeatedly and begging her to wake up, Elliot was a picture of loving devotion.

"I'm going to see how close we are to getting results," Connie said, patting his shoulder. "You are not to go anywhere or do anything that will get you in trouble with Olivia or me in trouble with my boss, okay?"

"Yeah, I won't be going anywhere," he promised, squeezing Olivia's hand. "Connie," he called as she pushed open the doors. "Thanks for everything. I...we... appreciate it."

In his seven uninterrupted minutes with his wife, Elliot pulled down his mask and stood beside her so he could look at her properly.

"Come on, baby," he whispered, tears choking his voice. "You have to wake up for me...please," he begged, raking his fingers through her hair. "I know you're tired, honey, but just open your eyes for me, just for a minute ... just let me know you're okay." There was still no response.

As tears welled and his heart grew heavier, he leant down and kissed her head. "I'm so sorry, Livia," he cried, clasping her hand. "I should never have let you get this exhausted. I'm sorry, baby, so, so sorry."

Wiping his face as Connie returned with the doctor, an orderly and another piece of equipment, Elliot stepped back and sat in the wheelchair, not wanting to impede their work on Olivia.

"She's going to be okay," Connie soothed, rubbing his arm as she came to stand with him.

"Yeah? Do they know what's wrong with her? Or why she hasn't woken up yet?" he asked, looking up at his nurse with pleading eyes.

"They have a fair idea," she replied with half a smile.

"Yeah? Is it serious?" he queried, watching as the doctor looked again at her chart before he walked over to Elliot.

"Now, Elliot," the young doctor began, drawing up a stool and sitting in front of him. "I've been talking to Connie about your condition and ..."

"She's sick because of me? Was it the chemo stuff? We did use protection when we had sex. Did that do it?" The questions spewed out without anyone having a chance to answer.

"Okay, okay," the doctor said, patting Elliot's hand. "Let me start again... the blood tests revealed that your wife is pregnant and given the treatments you've been having it's important for us to know when she conceived and whether the baby is at risk of damage. Now, I spoke to Connie and she informed me that Olivia actually thought she was pregnant about two months ago. Is that right?"

"Yes," Elliot confirmed with a nod. "And, just so you know, we didn't have sex from the time the chemo started until we got married two weeks ago."

"Well, it looks like your wife was actually pregnant when she thought she was. Has she been feeling unwell, gaining weight?" the doctor asked.

"She's been very tired and a little off now and then but nothing like morning sickness in recent times. She has gained weight but she put it down to some decent home cooking and no time for the gym," Elliot reported, wheeling himself back to Olivia's side. "Is she really pregnant?" He looked from the doctor to Connie to Olivia.

"Yes," he said with a smile. "We're going to do an ultrasound and take a peek to see what's happening in there – and to get an accurate measure of how far along she is."

"When will she wake up?" Elliot asked, thrilled about the baby but more concerned his wife was still unconscious.

"I think it's sheer exhaustion and, once she is hydrated and rested, she'll wake. Her blood pressure is a little high and blood sugar a little low, but we'll get it balanced soon. Are you ready to see your child?" the doctor asked, pulling the sheet down and Olivia's top up.

Squeezing the gel tube, the doctor left dollops of cold goo on her slightly rounded belly and started the machine. After moving the wand, around the image of a tiny Benson – Stabler came into view.

"And there he or she is," the doctor announced. Taking some quick measurements, he smiled at Elliot. "Your wife was quite right, she is pregnant. Her OBGYN will give you a definitive answer but I'd say she is about 14 weeks pregnant. Congratulations!"

Standing up, Elliot caressed Olivia's face before kissing her forehead.

"Wake up, Livia," he said quietly. "Wake up and see our baby."

There were a few murmurs from her but nothing to indicate she'd heard him.

"I need to go," the doctor said. "But I can leave the monitor here for a while longer with this picture freeze framed."

"Thanks, doc," Elliot replied.

.

Once the doctor and technician had departed, Connie patted his shoulder.

"I might just go get some coffee and give you a few minutes, okay?" she said.

'Yeah, thanks, Connie," he replied, taking his eyes off his wife long enough to look at his nurse. "Ah, Connie..." he said hesitantly as she reached the door.

"Yes, Elliot," she replied, walking back to him.

"There's something I don't quite get," he said, looking back to his wife.

"What's that?" she asked, stopping beside him.

"After Liv thought she was pregnant...during my second round of treatment... she got her period – how's that possible? You don't get your period when you're pregnant. Kathy never did. She hasn't had it since, but still..." He stopped talking when Olivia started to stir, but she didn't wake.

"Olivia would have had what she thought was her period. It's actually decidual bleeding and can occur in the first trimester," Connie explained quietly.

"Wouldn't she know the difference?" he asked glancing at his nurse.

"No, most women don't. It presents the same and, if you don't already know you're pregnant, you put it down to your period. Olivia's cycle hasn't been regular, so she had no reason to think it was anything else...and then when her doctor confirmed a negative result...well..." Connie's voice trailed as Elliot looked oddly at her. "What?"

"How do you know? About Liv and her cycle, I mean..." he asked, he should be the one that knew that. In all their years as partners he thought he had become an expert in all things pertaining to Olivia Benson.

"She told me... when we were talking during that treatment cycle and she thought she was pregnant, we talked about all sorts of things," Connie replied.

"About that negative result," he said, "You reckon it was just a mistake?"

"Probably a mix-up at the lab," she answered. "It happens more often than people want to admit."

"Any way to trace the blood? See what went wrong?" he asked, his fingers lacing with Olivia's.

"I'm not sure. Why? Connie asked, leaning on the bed.

"We're both detectives, we're never happy unless we have all the answers," he said with a smile. "Besides, Olivia's gonna have 101 questions and I'm gonna need the answers."

"Well," Connie started slowly. "How about I get Mark to phone her doctor and start asking the questions for you."

"Mark?" Elliot questioned.

"Mark Franklin, the doctor who was just here," she said, smiling.

"Oh yeah, must admit I didn't pay too much attention to his name..." Elliot said, glancing back at his wife.

"That's okay," replied Connie. "You had other things on your mind.

"He's very young, isn't he?" he asked.

"He's 34, just looks younger. And he's very good, in case you're wondering," she replied.

"Oh, you seem to know a lot about the doctor," Elliot replied with a grin.

"That, Elliot," she started. "Is because he is my cousin. I wouldn't leave you guys in the hands of just anybody."

"Thanks, Connie. I'm glad we've got you," Elliot replied, reaching out and patting Connie's arm. "I have no idea how we would have gotten through the last months without you."

"You're welcome," she replied. "Now, I'm going for coffee before you say anything else so sweet."

.

With Connie gone, Elliot stood up beside his wife and framed her face with his hands before holding it in front of his.

"Olivia Benson-Stabler," he growled in a low voice. "Enough is enough, you need to wake up and it needs to be now."

"Mmm wake," came the mumbled reply.

"Liv! Olivia!" he called, patting her face. "C'mon baby, open your eyes."

"...zopen..." she murmured as her eyelids twitched.

"Actually open them, Liv," he ordered quietly. "Open them and look at me...please."

It took a few minutes, but finally Olivia's eyes opened and Elliot could finally look into the deep chocolate pools he adored, though he wasn't sure just how well she could see him in her sleepy haze.

"Thank god," he muttered, kissing her forehead. "I'm so glad you're awake."

"Was I...sleep?" she asked, just managing to string her words together.

"You were," he confirmed. "But now you're awake."

"So tired..." she sighed. "Not sleep long."

"You were asleep forever," he replied. While it was just under an hour since she had collapsed it felt like an eternity.

"Need sleep more," she said as her eyes drifted closed once more.

"No, no, Liv, no," he said, patting her cheek. "Open your eyes; I need you to see something."

"What?" she asked, struggling to open her eyes once more.

Slowly he turned her face to the monitor and took her finger to point at the screen.

"Livia, honey, this is our baby," he said, his eyes filling with tears.

"Our baby?" she repeated, her eyes trying to focus on the screen.

"Yes, our baby," he confirmed. "You were right all along..." He took her hand and placed it on her belly. "Baby was in there all along."

"Baby?" she repeated, the fog not clearing quick enough.

"That's right," he said, kissing her forehead. "We're going to have a baby."

"Really?" she questioned, her hand coming up to cup his face.

"Really," he confirmed. "I love you so much, Olivia."

"Love you too, El," she replied, gazing at him before looking back to the screen. "That's our baby."

"That's right," he said kissing her temple.

"El..." she called, turning back to look at him, her eyes so heavy. "Does this mean I'm pregnant?"

"Yes, Liv," he chuckled, "You're pregnant."

"Good," she mumbled as she drifted back into the abyss.

**_Please don't forget to review!_**

**_Please read and review Death of a Child too._**


	37. Chapter 37

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**Didn't quite get to the magic figure but I finished the chapter this morning and it's been a week...so here we go...**

The next time Olivia woke she was in bed in a private room in the obstetrics ward, not that she knew that's where she was, all the rooms looking remarkably similar. Turning her head she saw Elliot asleep in the chair beside her bed and a frown creased her brow. There was something wrong with this picture. Trying to think through the events scrambled in her brain, Olivia was drawing blanks.

With no clock visible and the blinds drawn, Olivia couldn't work out the time of day but she knew she had things to be doing. Pulling back the blankets, she swung her legs around and propped herself on the side of the bed as her head told her to stop a moment.

"Where are you going?" Elliot asked, quickly coming to stand in front of her.

"I shouldn't be sleeping in your bed, you should. And Dickie, if I've been sleeping then no one has been with him. And if Kathy's coming home tonight then I want to see him before she gets there. And..." She stopped when Elliot's finger pressed against her lips.

"Firstly, it's Sunday and it's about 11:00 AM, so Kathy came home last night and is with Dickie; his sisters are there too. Munch sat with him all day yesterday so he wasn't alone...not sure if Dickie appreciated it though – said Munch had some strange ideas. Secondly, this is not my bed, it's yours. You collapsed yesterday morning through exhaustion and although you've been awake briefly on and off you have basically slept the whole time," he explained quietly.

"Am I alright?" she whispered as she wrapped her arms around his waist. She knew she had been feeling bad but to have slept for so long, in hospital; that just wasn't right.

"You are doing well, now," he said, kissing her nose. "There were lots of factors – your lack of sleep for the best part of the week, low blood sugar, high blood pressure and, of course, the baby."

"Oh, okay," she said nodding but then her brain started computing the information and there was something wrong...very wrong. "Whose baby?" she finally asked.

For a few moments, Elliot stared at her and Olivia couldn't work out the reason.

"El, whose baby?" she repeated, glancing around the room for evidence of said baby.

"Our baby, Livia," he answered, draping his hands over her shoulders.

"Our baby?" she echoed. "We didn't have a baby, did we?" she asked with a shake of the head.

"No, not yet," he replied smiling. "Junior is still safe and sound, right in here," he said, taking her hand and resting it on her belly.

Olivia's eyes widened as she looked at her tummy before forcing herself to look into her husband's eyes. "I'm pregnant?" she whispered.

"Yes, you are. Doc says about 14 weeks along," he confirmed, resting a hand over hers on her belly, as he leant in and kissed her nose.

"Really?" she asked.

"Really," he confirmed.

"Truly?" she asked.

"Truly," he confirmed.

"But how?" she asked, looking back at her belly.

"Well, I'm sure you know about the birds and the bees, Livia," he said with a chuckle.

"Yeah...but 14 weeks...I got my period and the doctor said no," she said, shaking her head again. "And you'd think I'd have realised it...I mean I know I've put on weight...but you'd think I'd have still realised..."

For the next few minutes Elliot explained the situation and the details of the conversations he'd had with Connie and later with the doctor and reassured his confused wife that this time there was no doubt.

"But how can you be so sure?" she finally asked, not wanting to believe, only to be left shattered again.

"I saw the evidence," he said simply and watched as her brow furrowed. "I was there when the doctor did the ultrasound, I saw junior for myself."

Really?" she asked.

"Really," he confirmed.

"Truly?" she asked.

"Truly," he confirmed. "And you saw junior too."

"I did?" she questioned, having no memory of it at all.

"You did," he confirmed. "Connie gave me this print out just in case you didn't remember."

Grabbing the paper from the side table, Elliot sat alongside his wife, one arm wrapped around her, holding her snugly, as she studied the picture. Saying nothing, Olivia tenderly traced the baby's form with her finger. Just as Elliot was about to speak he saw a big tear drop plop onto the page.

"Hey," he soothed, kissing her head. "You okay?"

"I dreamt it..." she said tearfully. "I dreamt I was pregnant and there was this ultrasound and ..."

"No dream, Livia. It was real," he said, kissing her head again.

As the words began to sink in, Olivia burst into tears and buried herself into Elliot. For a couple of minutes he held her tight, kissed her head and just let her cry. When her sobbing had eased, he pulled back slightly and wiped her face.

"What are you thinking right now?" he asked, not wanting to even hazard a guess as to the emotions coursing through her.

"Don't know," she said, trying to catch her breath.

"Okay," he said slowly. "Do you know what the tears are about?"

"No," she replied with a shake of the head. "I just want to cry," she added before breaking down sobbing once more.

For a long while, Elliot held her as Olivia tried to work through the gamut of emotions she was battling in her still fatigued state. It had only been four months since she'd collected him from the cab on a bitterly cold February night, and, since then, her whole life had been an intense and continuous rollercoaster – from Elliot's official diagnosis to surgery to treatments, to the stress of work and not getting leave and their replacements being killed, to Kathy's manipulation and straight out wickedness, to the kids and their issues. Then there was the pregnancy - or non pregnancy as they thought – and wedding and honeymoon and then Dickie's injury and a thousand and one other events that made up the details of life...all the while not knowing if the man she loved would be there at the end with her.

Nestled in his arms, there were a couple of things she knew for certain. One, was her deep and endless love for the man beside her. Two, was her pure joy at the growing life within her. Everything else would have to be processed when she was rested and capable of separating the emotion from everything else.

Pulling back, Olivia wiped her face.

"When can you take me home?" she asked, taking the Kleenex Elliot offered her.

"I'm ready to be discharged," he said and Olivia's eyes widened.

"Oh god, El, I forgot about your treatment...did you have the treatment yesterday?" she asked and he nodded. "How did it go?"

"Really well," he said. "They made me have it in my room and stay there an extra hour, just to be sure, but the side effects were minimal and then they let me come and sit with you."

"You didn't sit here all night, did you?" she asked. "Because that's not good for you."

"I didn't sit here all night, they wouldn't let me," he said, wrapping his arms around her. "They made me go at eleven, and I did, but I woke up at one and snuck back down and they didn't find me until nearly four, but I feigned sleep and they let me be. But just after six, they made me go back for the early morning obs and breakfast and I got back down after Bainbridge had been, sometime about nine."

"So, to answer my question, you have been sitting here most of the night," she said with a smirk.

"Well, no," he corrected. "For parts of it I was in bed with you."

"You're impossible," she said laughing as she hugged him.

Much to the relief of both of them, their individual doctors discharged them in the early afternoon and although they were both ordered to rest, Dickie was first on their priority list.

It wasn't until they got to the car, Elliot realised what Olivia had been up to before her collapse.

"When did you pack our stuff?" he asked, taking the keys from her.

"After I left Dickie and before I came to you?" she answered, smiling as he opened her door for her and settled her in the car.

"Why didn't you leave it until next week, like I said?" he asked when he'd climbed in the driver's side.

"Because that's her house and she was coming home, besides, I was hanging out to take my husband to our home and sleeping with him in our bed," she replied with a sigh. "Gotta problem with that?"

"Nope," he replied with a grin, he couldn't argue with her reason.

Pulling into the carpark at Elmhurst, Olivia could feel the tension build in Elliot. She knew he was anxious to see his son, and she also knew he felt bad not being there for him. When he opened her door for her and helped her out, she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him briefly.

"You okay?" she asked, pulling her to him.

"Yeah," he replied. "Just want to see him..."

"Does he know about my little drama?" she asked.

"No, I just said you were exhausted and needed to rest and he agreed," Elliot said.

"Good," she replied.

"And I haven't told anyone about the pregnancy ... I thought it was only fair you knew about it first," he said grinning.

"Good," she repeated, she'd like a little extra time to get used to the news before telling the world.

.

Walking hand in hand down the corridor, Olivia stopped when she heard voices coming from Dickie's room.

"She does know we're married, doesn't she?" Olivia asked quietly, tugging on Elliot's arm.

"Yeah, I told her before the girls went to see her. Didn't want them to tell her – wasn't too sure how she'd react," he whispered in reply.

"How did she react?" she asked, wondering what she was about to walk in to.

"Didn't say a lot ... don't think she knew what to say...got the feeling she was surprised by the speed of it ... you know, something like a shotgun wedding..." he related.

"She actually said that?" Olivia asked.

"Not to me, but one of the girls' did when I spoke to them the other night," he said.

Before their conversation could continue, Dickie's door opened and Kathleen walked out.

"Dad! Liv!" she exclaimed. "How are you both? Are you okay dad?" she questioned, hugging him tightly, before doing the same to Olivia. "Liv, Dickie said you were exhausted – you look so tired, are you getting enough sleep?"

By the time she took a breath, and they could answer, Kathleen was dragging them into the room where the same questions were asked in a range of ways by the remaining children. In the end, Elliot answered for them both.

"We're both okay, just need to rest and follow doctor's orders. Now, more importantly, how are you son?" he asked, moving to the bed to hug and kiss his boy.

"I'm doing okay," he replied, pulling back the covers and revealing the injured leg. "Saw the physio today and they reckon it all looks good – and it has a mad scar, so that's a bonus."

"Good, sorry I couldn't be here," he apologised, sitting on the edge of the bed, holding Dickie's hand.

"That's alright," he said. "I know you couldn't help it, and Liv was here – so it's cool."

After a few minutes of chatter and light-hearted banter the mood shifted dramatically when Kathy returned and stilted conversations ensued. It was clear to all that Olivia was being polite to Kathy for the sake of the children but she was struggling with it.

"Elliot told me about your marriage, congratulations, Olivia," Kathy said, with no real warmth in her wishes.

"Thank you," she replied, barely glancing at the woman.

"And Dickie said you weren't well, are you feeling better?" she asked and Olivia cringed.

What she wanted to say was 'what the fuck do you care?" but in the end she just nodded.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. "Just need to rest."

"Did they say what's wrong?" she asked and Olivia was sure she was smirking.

"Olivia was exhausted and it all caught up with her," Elliot interjected. "She's had a lot to contend with over recent months." He slipped his hand into hers and squeezed it.

"Did they do any tests to be sure?" asked Lizzie, coming over to Olivia and hugging her.

"Yes, they did," Olivia replied, hugging her. "And everything's good."

"Are they sure? Not all results are right...mom's friend Amanda works at PathLab and was talking about the number of wrong results," she informed them.

In that instant Olivia knew something was wrong as Elliot reacted to his daughter's words. While no one else had noticed it, she was an expert at reading his body language and had seen this particular response too many times to count while on the job.

"Well, I'm sure my results are fine," she said kissing Lizzie's head.

Despite Elliot's attempts to move away from his wife, Olivia held his hand tightly while trying to figure out his mood shift. In the end, he asked his ex-wife and daughters if they'd mind giving him a few minutes alone with his son and they departed. As Olivia went to head out too he stopped her.

"You don't have to go," he whispered as he caught her hand by the door.

"Thought you wanted some privacy," she said, and while he did, he didn't want her out there to face Kathy alone.

"Well, I do ...but..." he started but stopped when he couldn't explain it.

"Why don't you talk to Dickie and I'll just use his bathroom," she offered.

"Yeah, okay."

.

Elliot came back to sit on Dickie's bed, taking his son's hand in his.

"How are you really doing, son?" he asked now they were alone.

"Pretty good, dad," he replied, determined to be just as stoic as his dad. "There's no real pain just a bit uncomfortable."

"Sorry, I couldn't be here," he apologised again.

"It's okay, dad, it was just bad timing," Dickie reassured him. "Sorry for taking Olivia away from you."

"That's okay," he said with a smile.

"Is Liv really okay, dad?" he asked in a whisper. "'Cause she looked so tired and sick leaving here yesterday morning."

"Yeah, she's okay now...just needs plenty of rest," Elliot informed him.

"Was she upset with me?" Dickie asked, glancing towards the closed bathroom door.

"No, why would she be?" he asked.

"Because I wanted Liv here and she couldn't go to you and then I wanted mom here – despite everything – and now mom's back we won't see as much of you guys and I didn't want her to think I was just using her... I mean I love her and everything and I didn't want her to think I didn't," he confessed, finding it hard to even look at his father.

"Liv loves you very much, and believe me, she understands about needing your mom despite what they do," he reassured his boy. "We may not see you every day at the moment but we'll see you as much as we can and you can phone us any time of the day or night."

"Can you tell Liv for me?" he asked quietly as the bathroom door slid open.

"I'll tell her the rest but I think the part about you loving her should come from you," he whispered, as Olivia's hand came to rest on his shoulder.

Smiling at both her boys, Olivia went to speak but it was taken by a yawn.

"Oh, sorry, " she apologised, "I guess I still need to sleep some more."

"In that case, I'll take you home," Elliot said, getting up from the bed. "Love you, son," he added, kissing the teen's head.

"Love you too, dad," he said, squeezing his hand.

Olivia moved around Elliot and kissed Dickie's head as well.

"Thank you for everything, Liv," Dickie said quietly.

"You're welcome," she replied, kissing him a second time.

"I love you, Liv," he said, in barely a whisper.

"I love you too, Dickie," she replied, caressing his face. "Now, we may not see you every day at the moment but we'll see you as much as we can and you can phone us any time of the day or night," she said and Dickie laughed. "What?"

"That's exactly what dad said," Dickie said with a chuckle. "Word for word."

"Well, then you know it's true," Elliot replied, wrapping his arm around Olivia. "Get some rest, son."

"Yeah, you two too," he replied and Elliot and Olivia departed.

**_Please don't forget to review!_**

**_Please read and review Death of a Child too._**


	38. Chapter 38

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

Forgetting about everything else but the fact she was finally going home, to her home, as a married and pregnant woman, Olivia sat in the passenger seat and alternated between smiling and yawning during their fairly quiet journey.

While she would miss not having the kids around, she never felt truly at home in the Stabler house in Queens as there were too many reminders of Kathy.

"What are you thinking about?" Elliot asked her, drawing her from her thoughts.

"How glad I am to be going home," she said smiling involuntarily.

"You've missed your place, haven't you?" he asked, reaching across and taking her hand.

"Yeah, sort of," she admitted, lacing her fingers through his.

"You've been through a lot, haven't you? And all because of me," he said rather sombrely.

"_We_ have been through a lot, Elliot, _we_, " she reminded him gently.

"Yeah, but you gave up so much to make things better for me... and the kids..." he said, almost guiltily.

"Maybe," she replied, lifting their hands to kiss his before placing them on her belly, while her hand, with her wedding bands glistening rested atop his. "But look what I've got in return. I've gained far more than I ever gave up."

After parking the car in front of their building, they grabbed the bags they could carry and headed up to the apartment. Reaching the door, Olivia put down the things she was carrying so she could unlock the door. As she turned the key and pushed the door opened, Elliot surprised her by sweeping her off her feet.

"What are you doing?" she asked as he carried her into the apartment.

"Carrying you over the threshold," he replied. "This is the first time we've been here since we got married and it's custom."

"Well, who am I to argue with custom," she said and linked her arms around his neck.

"Welcome home, my beautiful wife," he whispered, leaning down to kiss her.

"Welcome home to you too, my gorgeous husband," she replied, pushing up into his kiss.

.

Reluctantly, Elliot finally eased her legs down but still held her close enough to continue the kiss.

"You know this is New York City and leaving your gear in the hallway and your door open is not the safest move," Fin said, surprising them, as he gathered up their things and dropped them into the apartment.

"Well, yeah," said Elliot, as he turned to face their friend. "We were just about to do that."

"Sure," he said with a grin, closing the door behind me. "How are you both?"

"Good," they replied in unison and Fin could only laugh. "What?" said Elliot.

"Well, up until about three hours ago you were both hospitalised, so 'good' probably isn't the most accurate word," he explained.

"Well, we're good now we're home," Olivia said in their defence.

"Glad to hear it," he said. "Now, given that you haven't been here for a month, I'm guessing you've got no food in the house."

"No, we don't," replied Elliot. "We were going to sort that out tomorrow."

"Well, I've done your grocery shopping, it's in my car. Wasn't gonna haul it up if you weren't here. I'll just go get it," he said, departing before they could argue the point.

.

Twenty minutes later, with the groceries packed away, coffee made and a late lunch ready, the three sat around the table and talked about the health and welfare of all concerned before Fin updated them with the goings on at the 16th. An hour later, when Olivia yawned for the third time, Fin put an end to the visit.

"I'm gonna head out and let you have a nap," he said, leaning across to kiss Olivia's head as he stood up. "Glad you're doing better, Liv."

"Thanks, Fin, for everything," she replied, patting his hand. "We really appreciate it."

"Anytime," he replied, as Elliot stood and shook his hand.

"Thanks, man," he said and Fin just smiled.

"Take care of each other," he said and saw himself to the door.

.

It took Elliot a couple of minutes to clear the table as Olivia sat and watched him. She had tried to help and had been told no uncertain way that she was to sit, rest and do nothing else. When he'd finished, Elliot offered her his hand.

"Care to join me in an afternoon nap?" he asked, not that he was all that tired, but because he wanted her to rest.

"Thought you'd never ask," she said and allowed him to help her up.

Snuggled up in bed, Elliot was concerned that Olivia hadn't really mentioned the baby. He knew she was struggling to believe she was actually pregnant, and he knew she said she wanted to have his baby, but there wasn't the elation he thought he'd see. Waiting til she was nearly asleep and her ability to censor her words gone, he gently stroked her face.

"You happy about the baby, Liv?" he asked quietly, gazing down at his beautiful wife, nestled into him.

"Yeah," she replied, a smile spreading across her face.

"You haven't said much about it?" he said, his lips pressing to her forehead.

"Sort of keep forgetting," she mumbled, snuggling deeper into him.

"What do you mean?" he asked, trying to draw her face up.

Olivia gave no reply as she drifted off into a deep and peaceful sleep.

When Olivia awoke hours later, she was in bed alone. Puzzled, she ran her hand across her face and in the dimming light of the room, caught sight of writing on her hand. Leaning over, she turned on the lamp and looked at her hand. On her palm of her hand, with a black permanent marker, Elliot had written, _It's true, see for yourself._ Checking the other hand she found another message, _I love you so much, and yes, it's true_.

.

For a minute she sat and looked at her belly, slowly she pulled up her nightgown and her tears started before she could read what he'd written. All she could see was the large love heart he had drawn around the growing baby bump. Swiping her tears away, Olivia focused on the words which he'd written so she was able to read them the right way up.

_Dear Mommy, I really am in here and am growing well. I love you very much and can't wait to meet you. Love Junior. PS. Daddy loves you too. xox_

Quickly, Olivia scurried from the bed and went in search of Elliot. She found him in the kitchen organising their dinner. Preoccupied, Elliot didn't register her arrival and Olivia was struggling for words, so she tapped his shoulder.

"Hey, you're aw..." he started before looking at her tear stained face and wrapping his arms around her. "Hey, hey," he soothed. "What's wrong?"

"Baby and me love you too," she cried, into his chest.

"Aw, honey," he said holding her tightly. "You okay?" She nodded but continued to hold just as tightly too him. "Are you happy?"

Pulling back, Olivia nodded again. "Absolutely."

"You sure?" he asked, leaning over to turn down the oven.

"I am ... it's just all a little overwhelming... when you think of it," she said, as she wiped her face. "I mean I left her not all that long ago and was just me...and have come back married and pregnant."

"Well, you were pregnant when you left," he corrected gently. "You just didn't know it."

Meaning it to be funny, Elliot quickly changed tack when Olivia failed to smile. "I know everything's changed so much and so quickly and that it must be really overwhelming for you but it will be okay... we'll be okay," he reassured her.

"There's just so much to do... so much to consider..." she said, pulling back from him.

"Things like what?" he asked, watching as she started to pace around the kitchen.

"Well, this place, for one. It's not the best place for the baby... and definitely not when the other kids are here too, so we need to find a bigger place, a house would be good, with a yard. I've never had a yard before...And we need to organise a nursery... you know what should be in one, and it will entail a lot of shopping..." she said, sitting down at the table.

Elliot moved to sit next to her, hoping to calm her, but by the time he did, she was pacing again. "And of course there's work ... I'll have to take some leave I think and then be on desk duty, not sure what Don will say but it's not like I have a choice. And you still have two treatments left, so I need time off there too...that's a lot of time I'll be taking off...poor Don..." she rambled.

"I'm sure Don will be very understanding in the circumstances," Elliot said quietly as he stood to block her pacing track. "All you need to tell him is that he's going to be a grandad."

"And that's another thing," she continued, barely taking a breath, "telling people. They say to wait until the end of your first trimester, and I missed mine completely, so when do we tell them? Who do we tell first? And godparents? The kid needs to have godparents, how do we choose them? And names... we have to make a list of names, for a girl and a boy... And-" Anything further was stopped by his lips on hers.

"Breathe, baby," he said gently, pulling back from her just a bit. "Just breathe."

"But-" she protested and his lips claimed hers once more.

Pulling back once more, Elliot placed his finger on her lips. "I know we have to consider all those things and make some arrangements and some decisions. However, we don't need to make them all tonight, okay?" She nodded. "And although you're already 14 weeks along, we still have plenty of time, okay?" She nodded again. "And I promise you that by the time junior's here it will all be organised and we can be in our own house and he or she will have a nursery, and a name picked, and godparents organised and a yard and anything else you want, okay?" he said as he removed his finger.

"Yeah, okay," she replied tearfully. "Just promise me one more thing, El."

"Anything, Livia, anything," he replied as she wrapped her arms around him once more.

"Promise me that when we have the house and baby and everything else that you'll be around for it and we can live happily ever after," she pleaded quietly. Knowing it was a promise he could easily make but had no real say in whether he kept he didn't know how to reply. Olivia read his mind. "At least promise me you'll try."

"With every piece of me, I promise, Olivia."

.

Later that night Elliot was sitting in the living room watching a baseball game, it was a close game, and Olivia could hear the sportscasters raving about it being the 'game of the year', and going onto say it was 'history in the making'. Not caring about the game at all, Olivia came out of the study, happy with her hour long internet search for pregnancy information. At least she knew what to expect at 14 weeks.

Padding over to the armchair, where Elliot was sitting, she sat on his lap and started unbuttoning his shirt.

"Liv, what are you doing?" he asked, taking his eyes from the screen for just a second.

"Getting comfortable," she replied as her fingers reached the last button.

"Looks more like you're undressing me," he said, not that he was complaining at all.

"No," she replied with a shake of her head. "The doctor said that all I was supposed to do for the next two weeks was to get comfortable and rest."

"And undressing me is a part of that?" he asked with an eyebrow raised.

"Yes, Elliot," she replied sighing deeply before pulling back his shirt. "It's a scientific fact that there is a direct correlation between my level of comfort and the proximity of you."

"And does my level of dress, or undress as the case may be, have an impact on that level?" he asked as she snuggled down and rested her head in the crook of her neck, her hand going under his shirt and slipping around to his back.

"Well," she replied. "I'm more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else in the world...it's just when your clothes aren't in the way it's a little bit more fun for me." She grinned happily.

"Well, in that case," he said, turning off the television before scooping her up. "I'm going to take you to bed, strip naked, and you can have as much fun and comfort and rest as you want, all night."

"Something tells me that if we are in bed naked, it won't be all that restful," she said with a chuckle as she reached out to turn off the light as he carried her from the living room.

"I promise I'll let you rest afterwards," he answered before kissing her head.

"What about your game?" she asked as she kicked the door closed behind them.

"What game?" he asked, crossing the room to the bed.

"The one you were just watching. Didn't they say it was the best one in years? History in the making?" she asked, keeping her arms hooked around his neck as he lowered her to the mattress.

"They did, but I'm far more interested in our own little piece of history in the making" he replied, bending down to kiss her belly.

"Aww, you are so sweet..." she said, smiling as his lips met hers and sweetness gave way to passion.

**_Please don't forget to review!_**

**_Please read and review Death of a Child too._**


	39. Chapter 39

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**This is my little birthday pressie to me as I know you hate her just as much as I do!**

The following week, the primary focus for both of them was rest. Their only excursions out of the apartment were to see Dickie a couple of times earlier in the week while he was still in hospital and once for Elliot to see him at the end of the week when he'd returned home. While Olivia had wanted to see her stepson, she had declined, really not in the mood for Kathy. She couldn't explain it but the times she had seen her this week at the hospital had left her feeling unsettled but then she'd look on the faded writing on her hands, and on her belly and everything was right with the world again .

"Liv sends her love," Elliot said, sitting down next to Dickie on the sofa in the living room.

"Tell her I love her too. How's she doing?" Dickie asked, gingerly moving around to look at his father.

"Much better now that she's sleeping properly," he replied, opening the can of soda he'd brought in and handing it to his son.

"Dad," he started hesitantly before taking a sip.

"Yes, son," he said, watching the emotions play across Dickie's face.

"If I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?" he asked quietly, glancing to the empty doorway.

"Yes," Elliot replied, his eyes following his son's.

"Is Liv really alright?" he asked in a whisper.

"Yes, she is. Why do you ask?" he questioned, concerned about Dickie's concern.

"Is she pregnant?" he asked in a whisper, glancing between his father and the still empty doorway.

"Why do you ask?" he countered.

"You're gonna hate this..."

.

Dickie sat in the living room cringing as his father stormed up the stairs to his mother's room.

"What's up?" asked Maureen coming in and sitting next to him.

"World War 3," he said looking up to the ceiling. "Just wait for it."

Pounding on the door which once led to his bedroom, Elliot was seething.

"What on earth?" Kathy started as she opened the door only to stop when she saw the anger on her ex-husband's face.

"You deceitful, conniving bitch!" he yelled and Maureen squeezed Dickie's hand.

"Elliot, let me explain..." she started.

"Oh, go ahead, Kathy, I'm sure you have the perfect reason for getting your friend to screw up Olivia's pathology results," he snarled and suddenly Kathy had nothing to say. "Go on," he yelled. "I'd love to know what made you think you could play God with Olivia's life! Do you know how devastated she was when the test came back negative? Do you know she collapsed and was unconscious nearly an hour because she'd run herself into the ground taking care of me and your children? Do you know she was up nearly 48 hours running between me and my treatments and your son who was scared to death because he was facing surgery and you'd gutlessly run off to New Mexico!"

"I'm so sorry, Elliot," Kathy apologised weakly.

"Sorry! You're fucking sorry? You think that makes everything alright?!" he yelled, his voice ricocheting through the house. "I will never, ever, forgive you for this," he screamed in her face. "As far as I'm concerned you can rot in hell!"

Coming back down the stairs, Elliot was trying hard to compose himself before he saw his son, not wanting to take his anger out on the wrong person. Instead of the one set of blue eyes he was expecting focused on him as he entered the living room, he saw three.

"I'm sorry, dad," Dickie said tearfully.

"Not your fault, son," he said, moving to him and rubbing his shoulder.

"So, Liv is pregnant?" Lizzie asked quietly, still stunned by the screaming she'd been confronted with upon her return home.

"Yeah," he nodded. "Not quite the way we wanted to tell you," he growled, and his fury grew once more. This was the second life altering moment for him that Kathy had pre-empted.

"Are you and Liv happy?" asked Maureen, trying to focus on something positive as the waves of anger rolled off her father.

"Yeah, we are," he said, with a genuine smile. "Liv found it a bit hard to remember but now she's rested she's busy making lots of plans."

"How far along is she?" Lizzie asked, wondering just how long it would be before she would be a big sister.

"About 14 weeks," he announced and Lizzie smiled.

"Why'd she do it?" Dickie asked, looking up to the ceiling. "I mean I know she obviously doesn't like Liv, but 14 weeks was long before she said those horrible things to Liv and before she let you think Liv was dead."

"I don't know why she did it," he said with a deep sigh, "And right now, I don't care."

"You and Liv are never coming back here, are you?" Lizzie said tearfully.

"Don't think I'd be welcome," he replied, cringing when he heard footsteps on the stairs.

"Do you think ..." Dickie started and then stopped, knowing if he asked his life would be changed forever regardless of the way the answer went.

"Do I think what?" Elliot asked, taking his son's arm as he tried to stand up.

"I know you are still having treatment and I know Liv needs rest and I know you probably don't need others, especially me and this..." he said, pointing down to his injured leg. "... around but do you think it would be okay if I came to live with you?" he asked, a tear trickling down his cheek, he couldn't live with his mother, not anymore.

"Is it really what you want?" Elliot asked him.

"Yeah, it really is," he said nodding. "I can do the travelling to complete school for this year and then transfer to somewhere closer to your place."

.

Elliot thought for a moment and then nodded, knowing it would be a lot for Olivia but that it was what was best for his son.

"You do know that Dickie and I come as a set, don't you, dad?" Lizzie asked quietly, she wasn't going to be left in the house with her mother.

"You always did," he said with a smile.

"Well, I guess with these two moving in, you're going to need me to come too, aren't you?" Maureen asked, with a wink, knowing there'd be a lot more to do and a lot more running around between all the medical visits alone.  
"Oh yeah," he sighed, smiling.

Silence ensued for a moment before Maureen spoke again.

"Well, dad, if you want to get going and prepare Liv, or rather warn her, we'll pack and I'll bring them over," she offered.

"Bring them where?" Kathy asked, appearing at the doorway, eyes red and cheeks tearstained.

"To dad and Liv's," Dickie said harshly. "We're going to live with them."

"The custody arr-" Kathy began but Dickie laughed.

"You want custody of us? Take dad to court," he scoffed. "We're 17 in a few weeks; no judge is ever going to make us stay here."

"But..." she began to protest but Dickie turned his back on her and faced his father.

"Dad, you go tell Olivia and _we'll_ be _home_ really soon," Dickie said pointedly.

.

Nearly two hours after he'd left Olivia, Elliot arrived back at the apartment with a stack of real estate books and flyers.

"How's Dickie?" she asked, after kissing him hello.

"Doing much better," Elliot replied, taking her hand and leading her to the sofa. "Sends his love."

"Aw, now I wish I had have gone with you," she said, sitting down in the armchair with him.

"I'm glad you didn't," Elliot replied, wrapping an arm around her.

"Why? What happened?" she asked, stroking his face.

"I'm going to tell you something and you have to promise me not to get too upset, okay?" he said and instantly her blood pressure began to rise.

"Go ahead," she said with a nod.

.

Tossing the real estate material to the coffee table, he wrapped his other arm around her.

"Houses? Moving quickly aren't you?" she said with a smile. "Thought you said it could wait."

"It could... until today," he said, pressing a kiss to her shoulder. "Looks like we're having twins."

"Twins?" she choked, looking down at her belly.

"Oh no, not in there," he said, rubbing her back. "These ones are a little past the diaper stage."

"Dickie and Lizzie? They're coming here? To live?" she questioned haltingly.

"They are and, before you say anything else, I've already said yes," he admitted, sighing deeply.

Except for the extra work the twins would entail, Olivia was happy to have them there, what she wasn't happy with was the distress her husband seemed to be experiencing.

"What happened over there today?" Olivia asked, cupping his face. Elliot's hand moved to rub circles over her expanding belly. "Did you tell the kids about junior?" she asked as his eyes focused on her stomach.

"Aha," he said, with a nod. "Actually Dickie told me."

"He did?" Olivia asked. "I thought the girls may have picked up on it but not Dickie."

"He didn't figure it out himself, he had some help," Elliot said, trying hard to avoid Olivia's gaze.

"From whom?" she asked, drawing his face up to hers.

"He overheard a conversation between Kathy and her friend, Amanda, and – " Elliot started to explain.

"That bitch!" Olivia interjected, trying to get up but Elliot's grip remained strong. "That's what was wrong at the hospital when Lizzie said about test results and Amanda and PathLab, wasn't it?" Elliot nodded.

"On Saturday when you were unconscious, then sleeping, I asked Connie about getting some answers about how the results could have been screwed up and all she could find out for me was that the lab was PathLab," he explained, trying to keep his voice even. "When Lizzie said about Amanda, I got Connie to check some more but she couldn't find anything and I was prepared to let it go as a coincidence...."

"But?" she prompted, holding his face up.

"Dickie heard them discussing a pregnancy and he heard Amanda tell Kathy that she knew the truth would have to come out sooner rather than later, a pregnancy was something that provided its own clues. For a few minutes Dickie thought that maybe Kathy was the one who was pregnant but then her heard he say that ah... well, that it was you," Elliot corrected, rather than use the exact words his son had repeated.

"What _exactly_ did she say?" Olivia asked, her body tensing in her husband's arms.

"You sure you want to hear it?" he asked although he already knew what her answer would be.

"She said, 'that'd be right, the stupid bitch goes and gets herself pregnant and that bastard of an ex-husband of mine will forget all about the four he had with me and spend his dying days with that slut and whatever repulsive spawn they produce," he repeated, trying to be unemotional so as not to upset his pregnant wife more than he already had.

"I'll kill the bitch!" Olivia seethed, breaking free of his arms and getting up.

"Liv, Olivia," he called, grabbing her hand as she went to storm off. "I know you're upset with what she said about you but..."

"Me? What she said about me?" she yelled. "I don't give a fuck what she thinks about me."

"Well, our baby then," he replied, tugging her towards him.

"Not even that," she said, her voice still louder than normal.

"Then what?" he asked, quietly.

"You!" she yelled at him. "How dare she say it's your dying days! It shows she knows fuck all about anything! The stupid bitch!"

.

Elliot's laugh was as much as a surprise to him as it was to Olivia.

"What on earth can you find funny?" she snapped, not finding any humour in this exchange at all.

"Of all the things she said and did, the thing you take most offence to is two words which refer to me," he said, pulling her close and kissing her head.

"As much as I'd like to run her over whilst driving a steamroller, repeatedly, I think I want to forget about her all together and just concentrate on creating our own family, with a new house, junior and the kids," Olivia said, surprising Elliot.

"You're just going to let it go at that?" he asked, just a little concerned she wasn't more pissed.

"For now," she said, nodding. "But I do believe in karma, and I'll get my own back," she said, kissing his cheek. "And hopefully I'll be driving that steamroller when that opportunity arises."

Elliot kissed her again. "Anyway, they say living well is the best revenge and given our home and lives will be full of kids and fun and joy and hers will be empty, I'd say we've got the best deal.

.

Several long and lingering kisses later, the intercom buzzed and reluctantly Elliot backed away knowing their privacy would be limited from here on in.

"Ready?" he asked, knowing that although they had spent a lot of time living with the kids lately, this time it was different, it was permanent and she was the mommy.

"Definitely," she said, moving over to hold his hand.

Rather than luggage, Maureen, Lizzie and Dickie arrived bearing baby paraphernalia. Attached to his crutches, Dickie had three helium balloons which read, 'It's a girl', with a photo of Maureen, 'It's Twins' with pictures of Dickie and Lizzie and 'Baby' with a big, hand drawn question mark. Lizzie carried a huge bouquet of pink and blue flowers and Maureen carried a large stuffed white teddy bear, which would be bigger than the newest addition until he or she was about ten.

"Wow!" exclaimed Olivia, tears filling her eyes as each of her children hugged and kissed her, offering her their congratulations and love before doing the same to their dad. In the dramas of the earlier scene, they had failed to do it.

"I know we wanted this and dad said yes," Dickie started, quietly. "But are you sure you are okay with us moving in permanently?"

"I'm more than okay with it, honey," she said, taking his crutches and helping him sit in the armchair before reclining it so his leg was raised and rested.

"We'll help out as much as possible," Lizzie promised, hugging and kissing Olivia once more.

"And I'll make sure you and Liv get as much rest as you need by looking after these two," Maureen said, hugging her dad.

.

By nightfall, they were all settled back into small apartment and had a list of nine properties they'd start looking at from tomorrow.

"Why are you still awake?" Olivia asked, looking to Elliot who was standing in the window looking out at the Manhattan night.

"Just thinking that this is all going to be so expensive..." he said, turning back to face her.

"Yeah, it is," she replied, having had the same thoughts.

"I called Casey about an hour ago and she thinks that as the house is in joint names and that the kids are no longer living with her, I can push her to either buy me out or to sell the house and get half," he explained, coming back to the bed.

"And would you do that?" she asked, knowing the sentimental attachment he had to the house where his kids grew up.

"Don't know," he said, wrapping her in his arms. "But I'm thinking I might. I don't have much in the way of savings left, given the medical bills and all, and she doesn't need the house if it's just her," he said slowly.

"Elliot, we can afford a house," she said, slowly. "I already own this apartment, so we can sell it or sublet it, whichever is the better option, and I ... ah, I have money, for a house, we could probably get a decent place without a mortgage," she said quietly, surprised she was even acknowledging her financial position – something she had had tried to ignore over the years.

"Liv, some of those houses are four or five hundred thousand," he said chuckled, shaking his head.

"Yeah, I know," she said quietly.

.

Sitting back on the bed in the darkness of the room, Elliot studied his wife in the limited light.

"You can afford a $500,000 house without a mortgage?" he asked, confused. He knew what salary she was on and even the best of savers would have struggled to have that much in the bank.

"Yeah," she said with a nod. "My mother left me some money and so did my grandparents."

"How..." How much was what he was going to ask but he realised he had no right.

"How much?" she asked for him and he nodded. "Mom's estate came in at just under the half a million mark, there were a lot of family antiques and such that she couldn't trade for booze. When she died I sold all but a couple of pieces, gave most of the money to charity and added the rest to the inheritance my grandparents had left me. My grandfather's family had been in oil."

Studying her once more, Elliot was curious to know but wouldn't ask.

"They gave me money on a regular basis when I was in college, I think they were trying to compensate for the life their daughter had given me," she said sadly. "But I never spent any of it. Then when they passed, I inherited their estate too."

"I never knew," Elliot said quietly.

"I never told anyone. I didn't really want the money but I left it there in case I ever needed it," she said pulling him back down to her. "Every year the interest goes to charity automatically so the amount remains the same and other than a report the accountant sends me at the end of the financial year, I have nothing to do with the money.

"So, how much are we talking, Liv?" he asked, stroking her head.

"Enough for a house and to keep us comfortable in our old age," she reported.

In that instant, Elliot's heart was lighter. Since he'd learnt of the baby his overriding concern was how he could provide a future for his wife and child and the older children, if the worst happened; now he knew she would be okay financially and he could breathe once more.

**_Please don't forget to review!_**

**_Please read and review Death of a Child too._**


	40. Chapter 40

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

In the shower that morning, Olivia looked down on the week old faded marker line and lettering still visible on her belly, she couldn't help but smile. Every time she thought of what Elliot had done she had to fight the overwhelming urge to throw him on the nearest surface and have her wicked way with him...something that was not really possible unless the kids were out, which wasn't often. As she lovingly traced the heart shape she promised herself to get a smaller version tattooed on her belly once junior arrived, maybe she'd even have the baby's name inscribed in it.

"What's taking you so long?" Elliot asked, poking his head around the shower curtain. "Oh!" he said, grinning at the blissful expression on her face. "Junior?"

"Who else?" she replied, grinning back.

"I'm sure I could make you spend longer in here," he said, stripping off his robe, tee and boxers before stepping in.

"Where are the kids?" she asked, dragging him under the water spray with him.

"Lizzie left for school about fifteen minutes ago and Mo just left to take Dickie to his physiotherapy appointment," he said, his hands already in her hair, massaging the conditioner she'd just put in.

"So, it's just you and me for the next hour?" she asked leaning into his touch.

"Looks like it Mrs Benson-Stabler," he replied, his fingers raking to the end of the long brown tresses. "God, your hair is beautiful."

"Make the most of it, babe," she replied, dipping into the water to rinse out the conditioner. "It's coming off soon."

"What do you mean?" he asked, tugging her back.

"Well, when we were at Don's niece's place, Lizzie wanted to cut her hair off for Locks of Love and I said I'd do the same, so we said we'd do it in summer... it's summer," she said, smiling widely.

"But I love your hair," he commented, running his hand over his bald head.

"But don't you think some kid with the same hairstyle as you would appreciate wearing it?" she asked. "After all, mine will grow back."

"Well, yeah, I guess," he said slowly, tangling a lock around his finger.

"So, you gonna be okay with a shorter look?" she asked, cupping his face and gazing into the baby blues she fell in love with a decade ago.

"Yeah," he said, rubbing noses with her. "After all, you're okay with my shorter look, aren't you?"

"I love this look," she whispered, linking her hands around his neck. "You know why?"

"Why?" he whispered, his eyes fixed on hers.

"Because it means the treatment's working and you're going to be mine forever," she declared, leaning in for a toe curling kiss.

.

Taking a break from showering to continue that kiss on their bed and allowing it to develop a life of its own, both were back in the shower nearly an hour later to ensure they were all clean and dressed before Maureen returned home. They were sitting on the sofa drinking tea when they heard the key in the lock.

"Hey, Mo," Elliot called as the door opened.

"Hi, Dad, Liv," replied Kathleen as she struggled with her bags.

"Kathleen?" Elliot said, getting to his feet and moving over to her.

"I don't know..." she grumbled good naturedly. "I went to stay at Liana's for a week and come back to find everybody left without me," she said, dropping the bags to the floor.

Looking up to find Elliot and Olivia watching her, she was taken aback.

"I know there's not a lot of room here but I can stay, can't I?" she questioned quietly. "I'll take the sofa this time; I know Dickie needs the bed. I don't mind."

"You are more than welcome to stay here," Olivia said, rounding the sofa to greet her properly.

"Thanks," she replied, hugging her.

"Does your mother know you're here?" Elliot asked, as Kathleen moved to hug him.

'Yeah, don't think she was too happy about it but there wasn't much she could do about it," Kathleen announced.

.

Kathleen's bags were stowed in the study while more suitable arrangements could be made and as Elliot and Kathleen returned to the living room, Olivia appeared from the kitchen with a cup of tea for her.

"...only for now." She heard Kathleen say.

"Only for now, what?" she asked, placing the cup on the coffee table.

"Living with you guys," she replied, plopping on the sofa. "I made arrangements to live on campus from next semester so I'll only really have to be around on vacation; it won't be so crowded then."

"We're going to start looking at houses this afternoon, when Mo gets home," Olivia said. "So, how about you come and look too. Regardless of where you will be living, you'll always have a place in our home."

"Thanks, Liv," she replied, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder.

The first house they visited was not suitable in the least. Conveniently located, it needed substantial work done on it and everyone knew this wasn't the time for them to be considering renovating. At the second house, they didn't bother getting out of the car. The so-called 'dream house' was more of a nightmare – the roof clearly needed repair, the house next door was boarded over, the garden was akin to a jungle and the gas station on the other side meant days and nights of traffic. House number three had more redeeming features but not worth the money and rather than seeing the fourth choice, Elliot decided they should pick the twins up from school and go out for dinner.

A few days later, rather than trekking around themselves, Olivia decided to call in a realtor who could do the footwork for them. Instead of the usual hour long client consult, the Benson –Stabler one took three, as there was so much to consider mainly that the house had to be in good repair and it had to be convenient to everyone. While the twins had volunteered to transfer, they had one year left in high school and Elliot didn't want to disrupt their education if it wasn't totally necessary. While they didn't need to be in Queens itself, they were looking for somewhere on the same subway line. Maureen had started working part time with her friend Marci at a magazine and could drive herself, and Kathleen would spend most time at college, so location wasn't as important to them.

After the geographic debate came the room requirements. There had to be a master bedroom, and one they could use as a nursery. Then it was felt Dickie and Lizzie needed their own rooms, while Kathleen and Maureen decided they could share as their tenure there was less permanent. Then came the debate about a guest room and study and whether they had to be separate rooms or whether they were necessary at all. Then there was the number of bathrooms, size of living space, type of garage, size of the yard, heating and cooling considerations, and the thirteen other items Olivia had on her list.

"It would be easier to build your own place," the realtor said laughing as she scanned down the list.

"Probably," she replied, "But we need this place sooner rather than later."

"Give me a couple of days to make some calls and see what's out there and I'll get back to you," he said, collecting his brochures and notes and closing his briefcase.

"Oh," Elliot added as the man neared the door. "We want great water pressure too!" Grinning he turned to Olivia and winked, shower times with her were the times he loved best – well, nearly the best.

"Of course," the realtor said with a sigh before departing.

.

For a few minutes there was silence, before Olivia pushed herself out of the armchair.

"Where are you going?" Elliot asked, watching her disappear into the bedroom.

"Don't you mean where are we going?" she asked, reappearing with her purse.

"Ah, yeah," he agreed, still unsure.

"Does Dr Brenner sound familiar?" she asked, checking her hair in the mirror. She'd miss the length but as it was all for a good cause she'd deal with it.

"Shit! Is it that time already?" he asked, checking his watch.

"Yep," she said grinning.

Dr Brenner was the OBGYN Olivia was booked into see. There would be a full check up and ultrasound with the 4D scan and Olivia was beyond excited, although she tried desperately not to show it. It wasn't that she thought Elliot and the kids wouldn't share her joy, it was just it all seemed too good to be true and she didn't want to set herself up for more heartbreak if things didn't turn out so good.

"Nervous?" Elliot asked, taking her hand as she paced around the doorway waiting for him to reappear.

"Excited," she admitted sheepishly.

"You're allowed to be excited, Liv," he replied, kissing his cheek. "It's an exciting time."

"Yeah, well, let's just wait til after we've seen Brenner and then I be able to be excited and we can tell everyone else, okay?" she said, opening the door.

"Okay, Liv," Elliot replied with a chuckle as she dragged him down the hallway.

Sitting in the waiting room, Olivia tapped her foot impatiently as the clock ticked past her allotted appointment time. Sometime later, her fingers began drumming on the arm rest Elliot raised her hand and kissed it.

"Won't be long now," he said, squeezing his hand.

"Sure," she retorted. "We've been here nearly an hour, you know?"

"I know," he calmly acknowledged. "But we were also here early."

"I don't care," she hissed, her nerves finally catching up with her excitement. "I've been waiting for this appointment forever..."

"Two weeks, Liv," he quietly corrected.

"Oooh, don't do that, Elliot," she said, with the shake of her head.

"Do what?" he questioned; he knew full well what she was talking about. He knew she didn't need him being pedantic over such matters when she sitting there as nervous as hell. While she was trying to appear composed, he could feel her pulse racing and the sweatiness of her palm.

"That!" she hissed. "Stop correcting me."

Elliot laughed which didn't help Olivia much and she glared at him, which only made him chuckle more. While Olivia was sitting there thinking of ways to wipe the smirk from Elliot's face, Elliot was just happy to know his wife had something else on her mind than stressing over what the doctor would say.

Still caught up being annoyed with her husband, Olivia missed her name being called.

"It's us, babe," he whispered, standing up, her hand still in his.  
"You did that on purpose," she said, staring at him.

"Yep," he said proudly. "I've always been good at distracting you."

.

After reading Olivia's notes, doing some calculations and some basic health checks, Dr Brenner got Olivia to get up onto the examination table. Suddenly, Olivia's heart seemed to beat double time and she found it incredibly hard to breathe.

"It's okay, Livia," Elliot said quietly as he rubbed her back. "It's all good."

"But what if it's not? What happens if there's not even anyone in there? What if this has all been a mistake and I'm just getting fat?" she questioned, pulling him close to her.

"You're pregnant, Olivia," he said firmly, taking her to the table. "Isn't she doctor?"

Moving across to them, Dr Brenner was aware of the history of the pregnancy and could understand Olivia's trepidation.

"Yes, Olivia, you are pregnant," he confirmed. "Just relax now."

.

Finally settled on the table, Olivia reached out for Elliot's hand and held it tightly. Too tightly for Elliot's comfort but as he studied her, he realised she didn't even know she was doing it. Leaning down he kissed her head. "Love you, Livia," he whispered, and he was rewarded with her first smile in the last hour.

With a few bleeps and pings, the ultrasound machine was ready to go and the doctor exposed Olivia's belly before dropping on the gel.

"I know, it's a bit cold," he said as Olivia flinched.

"What makes it 4D?" Elliot asked, trying to ease Olivia's fingers from his.

"With the traditional scans, you got a 2D or sometimes a 3D picture of the baby. 4D adds the effect of time and so you can see the baby moving in real time," he explained, picking up the wand.

As the doctor went on with his work, taking measurements and snapshots, Olivia and Elliot watched the screen with absolute fascination.

"Oh my god," Olivia muttered as the baby raised its hand. "It's perfect!"

"I'd have to agree," said the doctor. "Everything looks good. I would suggest though, if you don't want to know the gender, look away now."

Instantly, Olivia and Elliot turned to look at each other in an unspoken question, neither spoke but then both turned simultaneously to the screen. From the baby's new position gender identification was easy and both grinned.

.

When everything was said and done, they all sat back at the desk and the doctor handed Elliot the DVD with the vision he had just recorded.

"Everything seems very good, Olivia," the doctor concluded. "The baby is a good size and appears healthy."

"So, how far along am I exactly?" she asked looking at her belly.

"Well," he said before pausing to recheck her dates. "17 weeks and 5 days, give or take a day or so."

"Wow!" she muttered, trying to do the calculations in her head for the due date.

"So what's the expected date of arrival?" Elliot asked, not even bothering with the math.

"November 8th," Dr Brenner concluded after consulting the desk calendar.

"November 8th," Olivia echoed, as Elliot kissed her head.

.

Walking out, Elliot pulled Olivia into the doorway of another office and hugged her tightly before kissing her deeply.

November 8th was the date the first Benson-Stabler would arrive and he couldn't contain his utter joy any longer.

"We're having a baby!" Olivia whispered, pulling back slightly from him.

"Yeah, I know," he replied, a grin from ear to ear.

"And not that long to wait," she continued.

"No, only 22 weeks," he confirmed as her eyes locked onto his. "I know you just wanted a healthy baby but are you glad with what we have in there?" He gently rubbed his wife's belly.

"Yeah!" she said, smiling. "I can't believe we're going to have a -"

"Excuse me," interrupted a receptionist coming out of the door behind them.

"Oh, sorry," Olivia apologised before taking her husband's hand and walking out to their car. "El, on the way home can we stop in at BabyCo... please?" she asked.  
Elliot laughed and nodded, now she knew what they were having and it was all real, she was ready to start buying.

**_Please don't forget to review!_**

**_Please read and review Death of a Child too._**


	41. Chapter 41

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

Following their OBGYN appointment, Olivia and Elliot stopped at a cafe, after their two hour side trip to BabyCo, to decide their next move. While she had picked out thirty six different items, they only purchased a white teddy bear Olivia immediately christened 'Junior'. Wisely, they had decided to at least find their house first, and get measurements for the nursery, before they bought all the furniture and accessories Olivia had her heart set on.

"So, telling people," Elliot said, as the waitress placed her tea and his coffee on the table.

"Well, the kids know," she said, stirring the tea.

"They don't know what though," he said, watching her drift off once again; the smile on her face telling him where she was yet again. It was a few minutes before she was back with him.

"Sorry," she said, fighting her smile.

"That's okay," he replied, taking her hand. "You can daydream as much as you want."

"It's okay to be excited now, isn't it?" she asked shyly. She knew it was but she just needed confirmation from the one person she trusted more than anyone else.

"Of course it is," he answered, raising her hand and kissing it.

"Good," she said, beaming.

"Now, telling people," he said, bringing their conversation back on track.

.

For several minutes Olivia pondered the options. After all the stress of recent times, she thought that maybe a small party or dinner out with the kids and the squad was the way to go but then she thought maybe they should tell them individually. Then again, she thought maybe they could keep their secret a little longer and surprise the others by setting up the nursery at the new house and showing it off on when they first visited. Then she...

"Olivia," Elliot said in a sing-song voice, bringing her out of her contemplations. "Care to share any of those thoughts with me?"

"What do you think we should do?" she asked, realising this was as much his news as hers.

"I think we stop in at the 16th and share the news about Junior, but maybe we keep the gender to ourselves, just for a little bit anyway," he said with a wink.

"I think that's the perfect way to do it," she agreed. "Do you mind if Junior calls Don grandpa or pop or something similar?" she asked.

"Not at all," he said, "I'm sure Don will be thrilled and Junior couldn't ask for a better grandad, now could he?"

"No," she agreed, sipping her tea. "And I guess the guys and Casey will get Uncle and Aunt..."

"Will it be Uncle John or Uncle Munch?" he asked, putting down his mug.

"Uncle Munch," she said firmly. "Sounds way cooler," she added, mimicking Dickie.

"Yeah," he agreed. 'But if Junior speaks like any of the other kids did when they were younger, it's gonna be Unca Munk." They both laughed.

.

Pulling into the car park at the 16th, Elliot watched Olivia almost bounce out of the car in her enthusiasm to get inside. He knew she was bursting to share this news with the people who meant most to her, to them, aside from the kids.

"Come on," she urged, when she realised he was still in the car.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," he said with a grin as he climbed out to find Olivia tapping her foot waiting for him.

"You've been so great today..." she said, wrapping her arms around him, "That I'll be using those very same words when the kids are sound asleep tonight."  
At a loss for words, Elliot kissed her before taking her hand and walking with her into the place which had first brought them together.

.

On their journey up to the squad room, they were met with a stream of well wishers offering them all the best on their wedding, and hoping for a full and speedy recovery for Elliot. By the time they exited the elevator, Olivia was feeling a little more nervous than she had anticipated.

As they stepped into the empty bullpen, Don opened his office door and was surprised to see his two favourite detectives standing there. He studied them briefly for a moment, trying to decide whether this was a good or bad visit but as the biggest grin he'd ever seen broke out on Olivia's face, he knew it was all good.

"Come on in," he said, gesturing to his office.

"We're not interrupting, are we?" Elliot asked, pulling out a chair for Olivia.

"No, not at all," Don said, propping himself on the front of his desk, facing them.

"We came to talk to you," Olivia said, stating the obvious.

"Okay," he said, nodding. "So talk."

"Well," she started slowly, taking hold of Elliot's hand and holding it in her lap. "I'm going to have to throw out your roster again..."

"Yeah, I know," Don said, moving back around his desk and picking up the duty folder. "El's next treatment is in just over a week, so you'll need time off then and...What?" he asked, when he saw their matching smiles. "You don't need any more treatment?"

"No, it's not that," Elliot said. "I do – just two rounds to go though. And with the new meds, it should be much easier."

"That's great," Don said, coming back around to them. "So, what's the leave for?"

"Well, time for the treatment and then desk duty," she said, squeezing Elliot's hand.

"Desk duty? For how long?" he asked, tossing the folder back onto his desk.

"Til the end of September, roughly," she said, looking at Elliot.

"And then what?" Don asked, not all too sure where this conversation was going anymore.

"Then I would like more leave," she said, taking a deep breath.

"More leave?" he asked, looking from one to the other. "For what?"

"To make you a grandpa," she said quietly, rubbing her expanded belly.

.

For several long moments, Don stared at them both.

"A grandpa? You're pregnant?" he asked, jumping up from the desk.

"Nearly 18 weeks," she said proudly as she stood up.

"Oh my god, that's fantastic!" he exclaimed hugging her tightly before realising he was squeezing the mother-to-be. "Oh sorry!" he said, pulling back.

"It's fine," she said, kissing his cheek.

"Congratulations," he said, kissing her back, before hugging Elliot and congratulating him. "So, you're nearly half way there, Liv. Why didn't you tell me months ago?"

"We didn't know," Elliot said, sitting down once more. "Liv thought she was pregnant early on but the doctor said no... so we didn't find out until Liv collapsed."

"And is everything alright?" he asked, turning back to Olivia. "With you and bubs?"

"Yeah," she replied grinning. "Had a scan today and Junior is just perfect."

.

Don studied her for a moment, she was the epitome of the glowing, pregnant mother to be; she'd never looked more beautiful.

"That's great," he said, nodding. "You can have all the time off you need."

"And is it okay for Junior to call you 'grandpa'?" she asked, desperately hoping he'd say yes. While he had called himself the father of the bride this was something a bit different.

"Of course it is, I'd be honoured," he said, his eyes tearing up as he hugged them both once more. "So, do we have a date for this joyous occasion?"

"November 8th," Elliot said, leaning on the desk.

"Great!" he said, "Gives me plenty of time."

"To do what?" Olivia asked as she wrapped her arms around Elliot and leant on him, the events of the day taking their toll.

"It will be a surprise," Don said grinning. "A big surprise. Do we know if I'm going to have a grandson or a granddaughter?"

"We do," Elliot said but before he could continue the door swung open.

"Sorry, Cap," Fin began realising he was interrupting.

"Come on in," Elliot said, as Olivia let him go and moved to greet Fin and John.

.

When greetings had been exchanged, Elliot took it upon himself to answer their friends unspoke question.

"Livia and I came to see if it was alright for Junior to call you Uncle Fin and Uncle Munch," he said, rubbing Olivia's belly.

"Really?" Fin asked, staring at Olivia's stomach. "You've got a baby Benson – Stabler in there?"

"Yep," Olivia said, still grinning.

"Way to go, Livvy!" he said, grabbing her tightly and spinning around. "You're gonna have the best mom," he added, bending down to speak to her abdomen before hugging her once more.

While Munch was just as happy for his friends, his response was a little more subdued but just as heartfelt. Embracing Olivia and then Elliot, he took it upon himself to organise the celebration.

"Now, what's say we go out for dinner tomorrow night, your choice, my shout," Munch said and realised everyone was staring at him. "What?"

"Don't think I've ever heard you offering to pick up the tab," Fin said with a chuckle. "That injury must have loosened your wallet."

"Keep talking like that and your invite will be rescinded," he said, as he wrapped his arm around Olivia's shoulders.

"Where do you want to go, Liv?" he asked, pulling her closer.

"Sampson's?" she suggested, looking at Elliot.

"Sampson's sounds great to me," Elliot added, though he wasn't sure if his opinion meant anything at this point with Olivia being the centre of attention – he couldn't help but smile.

Don came to perch on the table beside Elliot.

"You up for a night out?" he asked quietly as the other three continued chatting animatedly.

"Yeah, I feel pretty good at the moment," Elliot said, watching as Olivia burst out laughing.

"I'm sure that woman has something to do with it," Don said with a chuckle, nodding towards Olivia.

"She has everything to do with it," he replied grinning.

"I'm really happy for you, El," Don said, patting him on the back. "You let me know if there's anything you need."

.

Though the words were spoken quietly, 'anything you need' was picked up by the other three and they all turned to work out the context it was said in.

"Is there something you need, man?" Fin asked, his smile disappearing.

"No, not really," Elliot said slowly.

"So, there is?" Munch asked and turned to look at Olivia, who was looking at Elliot.

"El?" she said quietly, moving over to him. "Something wrong?"

"No, babe, nothing's wrong," he said, kissing her cheek. "Just thought that while we were organising things we could sort out a couple of issues."

"What issues?" she asked, not following the conversation.

"Trust me?" he asked, kissing her once more.

"Always."

.

Many glances were exchanged before Elliot wrapped his arm around Olivia and pulled her to the side of him.

"Fin, John, we'd be honoured if you'd be godfathers to Junior," he said, looking from one man to the other.

"Definitely," Fin replied, shaking his hand before hugging Olivia. "I'd be honoured."

"So would I," Munch replied, hugging them both. "You sure the kid will cope with us two as godparents?" he asked.

"Well, we're going to ask Casey to be godmother, so I think that will balance things out," Elliot laughed.

"This is even more of a reason to celebrate!" Munch said enthusiastically. "Make sure you bring the ADA to dinner as well."

.

There was more laughter before Fin became serious once more.

"Anything else you guys need?" he asked, knowing just how tough things really were for him.

"Not at the moment," Olivia answered, squeezing her husband. "But we'll be moving soon and could use some help with the shift."

"Sure thing," he replied. "Just tell me when."

"Gotta find the house first," Elliot said with a chuckle.

"Well, you do have a growing family," Munch said, patting Olivia's belly.

"Liv and El and baby makes three," Fin said with a laugh.

Olivia and Elliot exchanged looks and shrugs before Olivia turned back to the others.

"Baby makes seven, actually," she said, leaning back into Elliot.

"Seven?" Don questioned but then twigged. "The kids must be pleased with the coming addition. They'll be over all the time to babysit."

"They won't need to come over," Elliot said, pulling Olivia closer. "They're living with us."

"Yeah, but now Kathy's back..." Munch began.

"Living with us _permanently_," Olivia said and they all looked at her.

"Isn't that a bit much?" Don asked, "For both of you?"

"There are reasons for it, but we can talk about those over dinner," she said, not wanting to spoil this visit with talk about the wicked witch of Queens.

.

With the men in Junior's life sorted out, for the time being, Olivia and Elliot swung past Casey's office and waited for her to return briefly between court appearances. After the non-pregnancy result two or so months ago, Elliot had phoned Casey in tears very early one morning when he just couldn't get Olivia to talk to him. Olivia had spent the first few days avoiding him the best she could and he'd tried to give her space, but when he found her sitting on the kitchen floor at two one morning, with her knees drawn to her chest and breaking her heart crying, he'd picked her up and made sure there was no space between them at all. For the next hour he'd tried to get her to speak but she couldn't. In desperation, he'd called Casey and she had knocked on the door before it had gone three.

Depositing Olivia on the sofa, Elliot had opened the door and hugged Casey fiercely. He'd never been as happy to see anyone as he was to see Casey standing there. Although she was tired, she was more concerned about Olivia and, after Elliot was in bed, she had sat with her for the next six hours and talked through everything.

This time, seeing Casey was going to be a far happier occasion.

"You two look happy," Casey said, coming into the office and spying her friends chatting happily on the sofa.

"We are happy," Olivia said as they both got to their feet.

"You're looking well, El," she said as she hugged him briefly. Turning, she looked at Olivia, she took in her smile, her glow, her expanded waist and she knew what was happening. "Are you?"

"I am!" Olivia declared before hugging her friend tightly.

"That's amazing!" she said, "Congratulations!" Casey stretched out her arm and pulled Elliot to them. "Congrats to you too!"

.

As soon as Olivia said she was 18 weeks gone, Casey's eyes widened.

"But that means you were pregnant when the doctor said no!" she said in disbelief.

"Yeah, I know," Olivia said, rubbing her belly. "But Junior was in there all along."

"And your collapse – is everything alright? With you and with baby?" she asked, taking Olivia's hand.

"Everything's really good," Elliot said proudly, wrapping his arm around his wife's waist.

"Doctors and their damned mistakes," Casey growled. "Want to sue him?" she said, only half joking.

"We could," Olivia said. "But in fairness to him, he wasn't the one who screwed up."

"How do you know?" asked Casey and Olivia looked to Elliot.

"It was a friend of Kathy's ..." Elliot answered and Casey turned to him.

"That bitch!" she seethed. "That stupid, conniving bitch! That's why the kids are living with you now, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Elliot said, nodding.

"Who the fuck does she think she is, to mess with you like that?! Hey?" she all but yelled. "You're going to sue her for half of the house, El, and I'm going to represent you. She's not getting away with this shit!"

.

Elliot laughed, surprising Casey.

"What's so funny?" she asked, half snarling.

"We appreciate your _concern_ and, the more I think about it, I think I'll take you up on your legal assistance...but, that can be addressed at another time," he said, reaching out and patting Casey's shoulder. "This visit was supposed to be a happy one. We had something we wanted to run by you..."

"Oh, okay, sorry!" she said, ushering her friends back to the sofa. "What's up?"

"We'd like you to be Junior's godmother," Olivia said quickly.

'You would? Really?" she asked, surprise etched on her face.

"We would," Elliot confirmed. "You've just shown that no one messes with Junior – what better godmother could we have?"

"Wow! Yes! I'd love to be..." she said, trying to get a sentence out. "Are you sure?"

"We're sure," Olivia chuckled.

.

**_Please don't forget to review!_**

**_Please read and review Death of a Child too._**


	42. Chapter 42

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

After a whirlwind of a week, Olivia went to bed early the night before Elliot's fifth round of treatment was set to begin. Putting down her fatigue to the packing she'd started, and the excitement of actually finding a house, Olivia was tired. Beyond that, she also felt odd – not that she mentioned it to anyone else. She couldn't explain what it was, she just didn't feel right and decided an early night was the best thing and if it didn't resolve her current state, then she'd talk to Connie.

For the first couple of hours she'd drifted in and out of sleep, wishing Elliot would come to bed and hold her, glad he was not there worrying about her. After getting up for her second bathroom trip for the night, she ventured through the living room on her way to getting a midnight snack; it was peanut butter and sliced apple sandwiches this week. She couldn't help but laugh when she saw Elliot asleep in the armchair, the white teddy bear held firmly in his arms.

Deciding to let him sleep until she had finished feeding herself and Junior, Olivia came back out into the living room and gently stroked his face.

"El, baby, come to bed," she whispered, not wanting to wake Kathleen who was asleep on the sofa. "Elliot!"

Groaning, as he came back to awareness, he tried to study his wife's face.

"Morning already?" he asked hoarsely.

"No, Elliot, it's midnight. Come to bed with me," she said, taking his hands and helping him up.

"You okay?" he asked as he wrapped his arm around her.

'Yeah, why?" she asked, leaning to adjust Kathleen's blanket.

"You didn't seem yourself going to bed," he said, allowing her to walk him into the bedroom.

"Tired," she said, and it in itself wasn't a lie.

.

When he'd settled himself into bed, Elliot pulled back the covers for his wife and waited until she had snuggled into him before he spoke once more.

"Tell me," he said quietly, kissing her head. "Tell me what's happening?" he asked, gently rubbing her belly.

"I don't know," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "I just feel ... I don't know."

"Can you describe it?" he asked, using his finger to draw up her face, before gently brushing away the single tear rolling down her cheek.

"Things seem to be happening – in there," she said, pointing to her stomach. "I can feel this movement –"

"That's great," Elliot interjected, pressing his hand onto her belly hoping to feel their child move.

"But I'm finding it harder to breathe..." she admitted, scared it meant there was something wrong.

"That's because Junior has grown and is cramping your lungs," he offered, kissing her head.

"And the fact I have to pee every two minutes?" she asked, glad to have him and his experience as some sort of guide.

"Baby is pushing on your bladder," he said with a chuckle.

"Well, you tell your child that that's not a nice thing to do to mommy!" she said, earnestly.

"Junior, sweetheart," Elliot began, moving down to talk to the bump, his cheek resting lightly on Olivia's belly. "Mommy doesn't appreciate you pushing on her bladder. How about you change positions for awhile?"

As if on cue, Junior kicked and Elliot felt the movement for the first time.

"Wow!" he said, kissing the bump.

"You felt that?" Olivia asked, wide eyed.

"I certainly did," he replied, "Looks like Junior listens to daddy. Maybe it will be a lesson to the others."

.

Pulling up Olivia's tee – or rather his tee Olivia was wearing, Elliot chuckled.

"When did that happen?" he asked, pointing to her navel.

"When did what happen?" she asked, trying to prop herself up to look.

"Your belly button popped!" he said, kissing it.

"When did that happen?" she asked, repeating his question.

"Must have just been today," he said, moving back up to kiss his wife.

"Guess baby is getting bigger," she said, running her fingers over her now out-y belly button. "Does it go back in?" she asked, looking up at him.

"No idea," he replied.

.

The following morning, Connie arrived just after eleven and Olivia opened the door.

"My, you are looking much better," she said, passing by her. "You're positively glowing."

"I feel good," Olivia replied. "Plenty of rest and taking it easy."

"Liar," Maureen replied coming into the room. "Do you want me to tell Connie you spent Saturday packing and lugging boxes?"

"No, I don't," Olivia said with a smirk.

"Have you found a house?" Connie asked, knowing the plans as she'd phoned them regularly since the last treatment.

"Yes," she answered. "The realtor phoned Friday night. It's the two storey one in Parkville – plenty of bedrooms and bathrooms and a yard."

"Great," Connie replied as she opened her case. "When do you move?"

"Week after the last treatment," Olivia said grinning, still amazed at how quickly her life had changed.

"That's wonderful," she replied. "But neither of you should be overdoing things."

"They won't," Maureen added, unbeknownst to them, she had organised a little surprise of her own.

.

After the first couple of days of treatment, Elliot was exhausted. However, both he and Olivia were glad the problems with confusion were no longer an issue. The paperwork for the house had come through and they had it signed and returned by midweek, officially becoming co-owners of their first home together. Olivia's first inclination was to celebrate; she'd never lived in anything but a rental property. To finally have something that was hers, theirs, was amazing to her, bringing with it a sense of security she'd never experienced before.

Knowing Elliot wasn't up to celebrating during his treatment week; Olivia knew the festivities would have to be put on hold. Still, on the Thursday, with Maureen home with Elliot, Olivia took a trip out to Parkville with her digital camera, note pad, pencil and tape measure. She took photos and observations of every conceivable aspect of the property, demonstrating her investigative prowess, once again.

Arriving back at the apartment, Olivia was concerned when she found Elliot sound asleep on the sofa with no one else at home. Through all five other treatment weeks there was someone with him 24/7 and that had been the plan again. She couldn't fathom why Maureen would go out and leave him alone.

Dropping onto her knees next to the sofa, Olivia caressed his face.

"Elliot, wake up, honey," she instructed quietly. While she normally would let him sleep for as long as he needed, she didn't like the feeling this scenario was stirring.

"Dickie!" he shouted, jerking upwards and knocking into her in the process, causing her to fall backwards. "God, Liv!" he said. "I'm so sorry!" He tumbled off the sofa to help her sit, his head still foggy and eyes not quite focused. "Shit! Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine," she replied, feeling the baby kick out, more than annoyed with Olivia's abrupt change of position.

"Did I hurt you?" he asked, feeling around her body for any sign he'd done damage.

"No, no," she said quietly, hoping to take the panic from his voice. "It's all good. How are you?"

"I'm okay," he replied, trying to focus on her.

"Where's Mo?" she asked.

For a few moments Elliot studied his wife, trying to get his thoughts in order. He knew there was a reason Maureen had to go out... it was something important ... something he told her she had to do...now, if he could only remember what that was.

"Elliot, where did Maureen go?" she asked, holding his face in front of hers, hoping it would allow him to focus.

"Out!" he replied, pleased with the first part of his answer.

'Obviously,' Olivia thought, but just nodded. "Out where?"

"She had to ... um...shit, Liv, I did know ... I told her I'd be fine ..." he said, shaking his head.

"When you first woke up you said Dickie. Is that it?" she asked, hoping the confusion was just due to him being woken so suddenly.

"Yeah, that's it," he said nodding quickly. "Lizzie phoned and said Dickie wasn't well. His leg was killing him and he felt really hot," he said, relieved it was all coming back to him.

"Sounds like an infection," Olivia said, holding onto his hands.

"Yeah, an infection," he agreed. "Mo was going to pick them up and take him to the doctor."

"Why didn't you call me?" she asked, stroking his face.

"Lizzie called at half two, you said you'd be back at three... thought I was old enough to be left home alone for thirty minutes," he said with a grin.

.

Olivia chuckled and made a move to get up off the floor, Elliot stood first before grabbing her hand and pulling her up.

"Well, I guess it was alright," she said, wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Thank you," he said with a laugh, kissing her cheek. "Are you sure I didn't hurt you?" he asked.

"Positive," she replied. "Though if my butt is sore tomorrow, you'll be massaging me."

"I'll massage you whether it's sore or not," he replied as Olivia leaned on him.

"I'll keep you to that," she said, grinning before hugging him.

.

Taking his hand, Olivia led him to their bedroom and pulled back the covers.

'You going to bed, Liv?" he asked, trying to stifle a yawn.

"No, you are," she replied, tugging off his shirt and unbuttoning his jeans.

"But I've already had my nap," he protested, although he didn't resist her efforts to undress him.

"Yes, which I disturbed," she replied, guiding him into the bed.

"You could do with a nap as well," he said, pulling her arm and trying to get her to climb in after him.

"Okay," she conceded. "I'll just go phone Mo, make sure everything's alright and come back."

True to her word, Olivia reappeared in the bedroom doorway not five minutes later to find Elliot already sound asleep with her pillow wrapped in his arms. Maureen had reported they were sitting at the clinic waiting for the doctor and she had everything under control. Knowing there wasn't a lot she could do, Olivia made Maureen promise she'd call if there was anything she needed or if Dickie needed further medical intervention. Kathleen would be home soon and Olivia would be able to go to them.

Sliding into the bed, Olivia carefully extracted her pillow from his grasp and Elliot protested in his sleep until she substituted herself and he settled immediately. It was a couple of hours later that Kathleen came in and gently woke Olivia.

"Hey, Liv," she whispered, not wanting to wake her dad. "Livvy!"

"Hmmm," she groaned, her eyes fluttering opened as Kathleen crouched beside her.

"Liv, are you awake?" she asked, not sure whether she was or not.

"Yeah, I am. What's up?" she asked, not really able to move due to Elliot's grasp.

"Mo called, Dickie has an infection in his leg and they are going to admit him overnight to give him some strong IV antibiotics," she reported, patting Olivia's hand as the concern spread across her step-mother's face. "She said he's okay about it but she thinks he's a bit nervous about being readmitted."

"I can understand that," she said, moving Elliot's arm so she could get up.

"Where are you going?" Kathleen asked as Olivia propped on the edge of the bed.

"To see him," she replied as if it was plainly obvious.

"Dickie said no, he didn't want you or dad going in there as you both needed to rest. Maureen's going to stay the night and I'm going to take some stuff in for both of them, pick up Liz and then pick up something for dinner," she said, everything clearly planned.

"But I..." Olivia went to protest but Kathleen cut her off.

"Dickie said you could phone him later on but he didn't want you to go in. I think he feels a bit guilty about last time and your collapse," Kathleen whispered as her father started to stir.

"But that wasn't his fault," Olivia said, shaking her head.

"I know, but he was pretty adamant," she replied. "Anyway, Mo said he's in good hands and she'd call if anything changed."

.

Feeling exhausted, Olivia reluctantly lay back down and Kathleen adjusted the covers for her.

"Anything particular you want for dinner?" she asked, smoothing down the quilt.

"Nah," Olivia said with a yawn. "Whatever you girls want is fine with us. Take some money from my purse, it's on the coffee table."

"Okay," Kathleen replied.

"Give Dickie our love," she said, grabbing Kathleen's hand as she moved away. "And a kiss."

"Okay," she said again.

"Okay," Olivia echoed and closed her eyes.

Surprised, when he awoke an hour later to find his wife still asleep, Elliot kissed her shoulder and settled in behind her, his hand draped over her body resting on her their baby bump. He couldn't help but smile as Junior moved restlessly around under his palm.

"Ssh," he whispered. "Don't wake mommy!"

"Mommy's awake," Olivia moaned as she reached behind her to caress his face. "Sleep well?"

"Aha," he replied, kissing her head. "You."  
"Yeah, aside for Kathleen's interruption," she replied yawning.

"What did Kat want?" he asked as Olivia turned slowly in his arms.

After she'd updated Elliot on Dickie's condition and the instructions he had for the both of them, Elliot reached across Olivia and grabbed the cell sitting on the side table and called Maureen to verify things for himself. Satisfied all was as well as they'd been informed, Elliot closed the cell and dropped it onto the bed.

"Can't wait til these fucking treatments are over and I can be a proper father again," he grumbled as he scrubbed his hand over his face.

"You never stopped being a proper father," Olivia said firmly.

"Any decent father would be at the hospital with his kid," Elliot said gruffly. "I couldn't do it the first time and I can't do it this time."

"Doesn't make you any less of a dad, baby," she said gently. "These are just circumstances out of your control. It can't be helped."

"Doesn't stop me feeling like shit," he said weakly.

"I know, honey, I know."

.

**_Please don't forget to review!_**

**_Please read and review Death of a Child too._**


	43. Chapter 43

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

By Saturday, with treatment five finished and Dickie back at the apartment, Olivia and the girls went to hit as many stores as possible to investigate everything from paint charts to curtains, floorings to furniture. For their new start as a new family, Olivia had informed the girls that almost everything going into the house would be new and all the memories of the past would be left behind.

Excited by the prospect of buying everything for her bedroom, Lizzie changed her mind four times in the first five minutes as to the colour scheme alone. In the end, she decided on pink – it was currently her favourite colour, there were heaps of pink stuff around to choose from and it was the name of her favourite singer.

"So, how much can I spend?" she said eagerly as they perused beds and bedding.

"Here?" Olivia asked, delighted at her youngest step-daughter's exuberance.

"All up for my bedroom," she said, gesturing around. "Do I have a budget?"

"Do I have a budget?" Maureen said with a laugh, mimicking her sister.

"How about we start with $2,000... pick out your bed and bedding, the desk and chair, the set of drawers, and we'll see what's left then," Olivia said, knowing when she and Elliot had sat down, they'd earmarked $3,000 for each of the twins room, knowing they needed more than the older girls.

"What about Dickie?" she asked, looking at the more masculine quilt sets.

"Dickie was going to do his looking online... said it was much easier," Olivia informed her.

"Do we have a budget?" asked Kathleen, looking from Maureen to Olivia.

"Well," she started. "Why don't you two see if you find something you can both agree on and I'm sure it will be within budget?"

It was a six hour shopping trip which consisted of fourteen stores, five toilet breaks, lunch, and afternoon tea. Olivia remained in the car for the last three shops which were all marketing items for teenage girls. While she didn't want to think about how pink the room would be and what Elliot would say, she was thrilled that Lizzie was genuinely happy about living with them in the new house.

When they arrived back at the apartment, Elliot and Dickie were sound asleep on the sofa. It was evident they'd had a day of Playstation 3 and junk food and despite the mess that surrounded them, Olivia was glad they had been able to spend some time together. She knew they'd both been missing their male bonding time, it taking second place to medical considerations over recent months.

Although the girls tried hard to be quiet, Dickie stirred and called Olivia over in a tired, croaky voice.

"Hey, kiddo," she said quietly, propping herself on the arm of the sofa and raking her fingers through his short regrowth. "How do you feel?"

"Okay, I think," he replied. "Just tired, didn't get any sleep in hospital. You know, it's just as noisy at night as it is in the day."

"Yeah, I know. Not quite the place for resting, is it?" she asked, her hand resting around his shoulders. He shook his head. "Did you need something?"

Dickie craned his neck around to make sure his father was still asleep and, confident he was, turned back to Olivia.

"Dad didn't quite seem himself today, Liv," he whispered, leaning towards her.

"What do you mean?" she asked, just as quietly, glancing towards her husband.

"Can't really explain it but at one stage he came back from the bathroom and I'm sure he'd been crying," he informed her sadly. "I asked what was wrong but he said it was nothing. I said there must be something as he'd said _it_ was nothing. He just smiled and said it looked like I'd be going into the family business."

Olivia laughed but her smile never quite made it to her eyes. Elliot had been a bit off since the treatment had concluded the day before. When she tried to question it, he had claimed fatigue and taken himself to bed. When she'd asked him this morning, he said he was fine and tried to be cheerful but she'd seen through the act and decided to let it go, for the time being. Now she was home, things would change.

"How long has he been asleep?" Olivia asked, watching Elliot stir.

"About an hour, maybe an hour and a half," Dickie answered, checking the clock.

"Okay," she replied, leaning down and kissing his head. "I'm going to take him into bed now and..."  
"Please don't tell him I said anything," Dickie pleaded, grasping her hand.

"I won't, honey," she reassured him. "Can you make sure you wake us for dinner, otherwise he won't sleep tonight."

"Sure, Liv," Dickie promised.

.

Moving to her husband, Olivia gently caressed his face and grinned when his eyes opened and he smiled at her sleepily.

"You home?" he asked, reaching out for her hand.

"Yep," she said, her hand finding his. "And now I'm going to take you to bed."  
"Thanks for the offer, Liv, but I'm not really up for anything now...maybe tonight," he replied sleepily and Dickie nearly choked on his drink.

"I'm taking you there to sleep," she informed him, ignoring the giggles from her stepson.

"Mmm," he moaned as she helped him from the sofa. "Did you go shopping?"

"Yes, we did," she said, wrapping an arm around his waist.

"Buy anything?" he asked, trying to scan the room.

"Plenty," she said, thinking of the heavy workout she'd given their debit card.

"Where is it?" he asked, pausing and looking around once more.

"Put most of it on hold or lay away ... only have a small amount to pay before they deliver it," she explained, knowing it wasn't worth having the furniture delivered to the apartment only to have to shift it.

.

Allowing Elliot to meander around to his side of the bed alone as she stripped off, Olivia was in bed before him and pulled back the covers on his side. She wanted to discuss things now while he was coherent enough to talk and sleepy enough not to censor his words.

"How are you feeling?" she asked as he nestled down beside her, his head on her breast, his hand on her belly and leg draped over hers.

"Tired," he answered, his yawn speaking for itself.

"I know," she soothed, caressing his head. "You're not happy, are you?" she asked quietly.

"Nope," he replied as he shifted in the bed.

"Why not?" she asked slowly.

"Because I have one treatment left," he replied dreamily and Olivia was confused. She'd been excited by the prospect of one remaining treatment, it meant this ordeal was nearly behind them.

"Why?" she asked, trying to keep the pain from her voice.

"Because..." he started before trailing to nothing.

"Because..." she prompted, shaking him gently.

"Because ... treatments will be over..." he said with another yawn.

"I thought that's what you wanted, baby, for the treatments to be finished," she said, stroking his face.

"But once they've finished and if it hasn't worked then I could die. At least at the start there were six of them and I wasn't going to die as soon and now with Junior and ...and ..." His breathing grew more rapid as he pulled himself up, now seemingly fully awake and clutching onto Olivia's tee.

"And what, baby?" she asked, her tears pooling at Elliot's utter distress.

"And I want to see our son grow up, Livia," he cried, grasping at her.

"You will, El, you will," she sobbed, grabbing him. "You'll see our baby boy grow up, you will!"

"But there's one treatment and if it hasn't worked and I die, you'll still be pregnant, I'll never see our son...I'll never meet Junior," he said, tears cascading down his cheeks.

For the past weeks he'd been harbouring the deep, dark fear that he would pass away before his son arrived. He had tried to fight it, ignore it, rationalise it, but through the latest treatment he obsessed about have one last treatment; thinking of it as one last chance to see his baby boy.

"Livia," he pleaded, pulling her down to him. "I don't want to die... I don't want to leave you and Junior...I don't...I don't..." He kissed her repeatedly, trying to kiss away the tears, the pain, the devastation he saw and felt.

"I'm never letting you go, baby," she reassured him. "Never, never. You're not going to die on me, Elliot. I'm not going to let you."

In the semi-darkness of their room, Elliot cried himself to sleep. His post treatment fatigue, lack of proper sleep of late, stress, anxiety and heartache all taking its toll. For a long time, Olivia just lay there, her own tears still trailing down her face. There was nothing she could do for him at the moment, no way to take away his distress, no way to comfort him. All she could do was lie with him and pray, to any God who was listening, that Elliot's fears, and hers, were unfounded.

.

A short while later there was a soft wrap on their door and Maureen eased it opened as Olivia wiped her face.

"What's wrong, Livvy?" she said quietly, propping on the bed in front of her.

"It's okay," she said patting her hand; she didn't want to fill his daughter's head with the same thoughts and fears she was experiencing.

"Dad's upset, isn't he?" she asked, watching her dad sleep. Olivia's tee still grasped tightly in his hand.

"Yeah," she said, nodding as she stroked his head.

"He's scared about dying, isn't he?" she asked, tears welling up.

"What makes you say that?" Olivia asked, taking her hand.

"I heard him ask Connie, the other day, what guarantee she could give him that he would be here to see Junior born and grow up," she explained.

"What did Connie say?" Olivia asked, wondering what the odds were herself now.

"She said dad would probably be around long enough for Junior to make him a grandfather and then some," she said, squeezing her stepmom's hand.

And all Olivia could think was that still wasn't long enough. She wanted this man for all of eternity and then for a million eternities beyond that.

.

Quietly Maureen stood and kissed Olivia's head.

"I love you, Liv," she whispered. "It's going to be okay."

'Yeah, I know," she replied tearfully. "I love you too."

"Now, I just came into say we've ordered Chinese and it should be here in about twenty minutes if you want to start waking up," Maureen explained as she headed to the door.

"Okay, thanks, Mo," she said, wiping her face once more.

"It will be alright, Liv," she replied confidently. "I know it will be."

"How can you be so sure?" Olivia asked before she could stop herself.

"Because if dad was ever going to die at an early age it would be out on the street when some job went wrong," she explained assertively. "No cancer is going to get him – I'm surprised it was brave enough to attack him in the first place."

A few deep breaths later, Olivia gently shook Elliot and called his name. It didn't take long for him to wake up and she was relieved when he seemed more like himself, and thought maybe he'd think their earlier emotional scene was just a dream. It wasn't til she was out of bed and dressing she realised he was fully aware of the conversation.

Coming from behind her, Elliot wrapped his arms around her as she stood in front of the full length mirror. Watching each other in the mirror, Elliot kissed her head before looking at their reflection.

"You look so tired, Liv," he said, resting his head on hers.

"Didn't sleep," she replied, a hand snaking up to hook around his neck.

"You worried about me and my little outburst?" he asked and she nodded, tears welling once more. "You don't need to be, baby," he said, kissing her shoulder.

"Why not?" she asked, turning in his arms.

"Because I believe you," he said matter-of-factly and her brow furrowed. "You said you weren't going to let me die, and I believe you. We've been in tougher spots before and you never gave up on me, never let me die. God knows, there were times when I thought there would be no other outcome, and yet, a decade later, here we stand...together no less."

"Do you know how much I love you, Elliot?" she asked, standing on tiptoes so she could kiss his nose.

"Yeah, I do, Olivia," he replied. "You show me every single day. I love you too, baby."

Pressing close to her, so as to kiss her, Junior decided to interrupt by kicking furiously at his mother.

"I think your son is telling you he loves you too," Olivia cooed as she kissed his cheek.

"That's good, because I love him too," he said, dropping to his knees to talk to the bump. "Now, son," he whispered. "Daddy loves you very much." He was rewarded with another kick as he pressed his lips to Olivia's flesh.

"Mommy loves you too," she added, patting her belly. "And she loves daddy so very much."

"Daddy loves mommy too... and Maureen and Kathleen and Dickie and Lizzie," Elliot said, getting back on his feet.

"Speaking of the other four, do you think we should tell them they are getting a new brother?" Olivia asked as she finished dressing.

"Yeah, I think Lizzie's about to burst ... she's asked me a dozen times in the past two days," Elliot replied with a chuckle.

"I think she's asked me two dozen times," she replied with a laugh.

"Well, let's end her misery then," he said, opening their door.

"I'll leave it to you... I think it's about time you got to break news on your own terms," she said, taking his hand.

.

It was after dinner, as Lizzie was showing him the various paint charts they'd collected and telling him how she was having trouble deciding between dusty pink, fairy's breath and spring rose for her walls. As hard as Elliot studied the various swatches she was showing him he had to admit he couldn't tell the difference.

"So, dad, which one?" she said earnestly as she cuddled into him, another chart spread out in front of them.

"This one's nice," he said, pointing at a square.

"Flamingo ice...I don't think so," she said indignantly and Elliot shook his head – it looked just like the rest to him.

Turning the chart around, Elliot tapped the third square on the second line.

"What about this?" he asked, looking from Lizzie to his wife and winking.

"Well, dad..." she started, in a manner only teenage girls could. "Firstly, it's blue and I'm going for pink... and secondly, it's a baby blue."

"Yeah, I know," he said, nodding. "That's why I thought it was perfect."

"Well, I'm not doing blue and I'm not a baby," she replied, shaking her head.

"I didn't mean for you, Liz, I meant for the nursery," he replied casually and Lizzie nodded.

"I guess it would look good in the nursery for ...Oh my God!" she shrieked, hugging him. "It's a boy, isn't it? You're having a boy, aren't you, Livvy?" Olivia nodded and she shrieked again.

.

While her siblings were just as excited at the news they were gaining a brother, there was less shrieking as they embraced and congratulated their parents.

"I'm glad it's a boy," Dickie said, hugging his father. "Improves the odds – now it's only 4-3, rather than 4-2. One more and we can even it up."

"One thing at a time, Dickie, one thing at a time," Olivia said laughing as she sat back on the sofa, Elliot's arm around her.

"Names," Lizzie all but shouted, her excitement still evident. "Have you thought of names? I personally like Joel ... or maybe Edward ... I used to like Luke but then Luke Marston transferred in and he's such a dork, so you wouldn't want that and..."

For the rest of the night names for Junior were suggested and debated. Some were recorded, some were discarded. Combinations were tried and Lizzie faithfully recorded every name Olivia and Elliot remotely liked. As fatigue got the better of her, Olivia stood and kissed Lizzie's head. "The good news, Liz, is that we don't have to make a decision tonight. We still have about four months."

"Four months, is that all?" Lizzie replied, shaking her head. "We have so much to do before then ... dad needs to finish his treatments, we need to move, and decorate and go back to school – oh yeah, and celebrate some birthdays... you now Dickie and I are 17 really soon and then..."

"Lizzie, honey," Olivia said, exhausted just by listening to her. "We haven't forgotten it's your birthday but can we talk about that tomorrow, I'm exhausted and so is Junior."

"Yeah, of course, Livvy," she said, hugging her stepmother. "And tomorrow we can talk about themes for the nursery and whether you'll use cloth or disposable diapers or whether..."

"Good night, Lizzie!" Olivia said, as she kissed the other children.

"Night, Liv... now, dad...." she continued breathlessly.

**_Please don't forget to review!_**

**_Please read and review Death of a Child too._**


	44. Chapter 44

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

With only two weeks to go before Elliot's sixth, and hopefully final treatment, and with the twins' seventeenth birthday days away, Olivia was trying to organise a few things. After much discussion, they had decided that the move to the new house would happen after the last treatment – a sign of a new beginning. Additionally, they'd let go of the lease on Elliot's place, Maureen was giving up her lease, and Olivia's apartment would be Maureen's – and anyone else who needed to stay in Manhattan from time to time. The plan was good and with all the new furniture organised for the house, there was minimal packing, aside from Olivia's clothes, personal items and memorabilia.

Olivia was sitting at the dining table, deep in thought trying to make some decisions while Elliot and the twins were out shopping for the day. Originally, it had just been and father and son expedition so Dickie could get the things he wanted for his room but Lizzie had declared they couldn't be trusted and so she would go along to oversee proceedings. Dickie had groaned but Olivia was happy with it; Lizzie was still on a high and she could use some time out from the teen's exuberance.

"Hey, Liv," Maureen and Kathleen said in unison coming in together.

"Hi, girls," she replied, closing her folder.

"Something wrong?" asked Maureen pointing to the paperwork.

"No, no, just trying to sort some things out," she replied, tossing down her pen.

"Need help?" asked Kathleen, sitting down beside her.

"Nothing to really help with," she replied with a sigh. "Just trying to think of something for the twins' birthday that they'll be happy with."

The girls exchanged looks and Olivia turned around to study them.

"What?" she asked, looking from one to the other.

"Well, Liv," Maureen started slowly, sitting across from her stepmother and sister. "I was talking to Don this morning about the house at the lake and it's available for ten days from the day after tomorrow. Kat and I were thinking it might be good for you and dad and the twins to get away for the ten days and by the time you get back, dad will be due to start his last round."

"It was such a peaceful place and the twins love it..." Olivia replied. "But there's so much..."

"There's not really, Liv," Kathleen interrupted. "Seriously, is there anything that must be done in the next two weeks?"

"I have to get the utilities switched back on and ... well, that's the most urgent I guess," she replied.

"You could phone the companies today or tomorrow and Mo or I could be at the house, if it's needed," Kathleen suggested.

"You two would be welcome to come with us," Olivia said, liking the idea of some time out before the stress of the last treatment, the outcome and the move.

"I have some extra hours at the magazine," Maureen said. "The editor even said that by September I could be there fulltime – so I don't want to say no at the moment."

"And I have tickets to that concert and Ilona's birthday party," said Kathleen. "But Don said it would be available at Christmas – so we could all celebrate there, with Brandon of course."

"Who's Brandon?" Olivia asked.

"Junior," Maureen laughed. "Brandon is today's name. I thought Lizzie would get tired of all the names but no such luck."

.

Since the night Junior's gender had been revealed, Lizzie had called him by a different name every day. She was adamant that they would know the right one when they heard it.

"Should have guessed," Olivia said with a laugh. "Yesterday it was Benjamin and the day before was Barratt."

"Well, at least they're better than the 'a' phase. Amazon, Annan and Archibald," Kathleen said chuckling.

"So, what do you think, Liv, about going away?" asked Maureen, hoping the answer would be yes, her plan wouldn't work otherwise.

"Well, I'll talk to your dad and the twins when they get back and see what they say," she replied, getting up from the table. She took two steps towards the door before she stopped abruptly. "Ow!" she exclaimed, rubbing her bump.

"What's wrong?" Maureen asked earnestly as Kathleen rubbed her stepmother's back.

"What is it, Liv?" Kathleen asked.

"Nothing that serious, girls," she said when she saw their concerned faces. "Seems Brandon is playing football in there."

.

Both girls pressed their hands onto Olivia's abdomen, hoping to feel their brother move for the first time. Finally, he kicked out and Olivia watched the look of delight on their faces.

"That's so cool," Kathleen said, rubbing Olivia's belly.

"Maybe Junior likes the name Brandon," Maureen said, shaking her head. "Lizzie will be rapt."

"Then let's not tell her," Kathleen replied. "It's so 90210."

"We'll just say we used Junior," Olivia confirmed. "I'm not keen on Brandon either."

.

After a brief discussion, when the shoppers returned home, arrangements were made. Elliot was more than happy to spend time away from the apartment, he was already concerned that Olivia was overdoing it and this way she had no choice to rest. The twins were excited about spending their birthday at the lake. There were a whole stack of things they hadn't got to last time they were there. It also gave Lizzie the perfect idea.

Bright and early Wednesday morning, Maureen almost pushed her parents and youngest siblings out of the door of the apartment in her haste to start proceedings. Everything had been planned, almost down to the minute and if she wasn't at the house in Parkville within the hour they'd be behind before they started. Thankfully, Lizzie was still in her over excited phase and Maureen's eagerness was overlooked. The moment they were out the door, Maureen picked up her cell.

"Hey, Fin," she began. "Yeah, they just left, thought they'd never go. Meet you there in thirty minutes."

Pulling up in the driveway of the new family home just after nine, Maureen climbed out and grabbed the keys from her bag. One of the first tasks would be to change all the locks and get keys cut for everyone.

"Hello, Maureen," Don said as he stepped out of the car he'd pulled into the drive behind hers,

"Hi, Don, hi, Fin," she said cheerfully. "Thank you so much for doing this."

"Our pleasure," replied Fin, draping his arm over her shoulders as they walked to the front porch.

"Do they suspect anything?" Don asked, as Maureen jiggled the key in the lock.

"No, not a thing," she said grinning. This was going to be a huge surprise.

"Great!" Fin enthused, picking up Maureen's bag for her and carrying it inside.

"So, where do we start?" asked Don.

.

Pulling out all the charts, notes, receipts, and scraps of material and information they had collected since they purchased the house, Maureen scattered them on the large kitchen bench.

Grabbing the note pad and pen, Fin began to make a plan.

"I think we start with the painting," Don said, gesturing around the kitchen. "Then all the floors can be cleaned and everything's ready for the furniture."

"Sounds good," Maureen replied. "It will take a while for the three of us to paint the entire two storey house though."

"Us?" Don said with a chuckle. "I haven't painted a wall since I was sixteen. I do, however, have a neighbour, Bill, in the business, and if we supply the paint, he'll do the labour for a minimal cost."

"Still, one man..." Fin said shaking his head.

"Oh, and his apprentices, all four of them," Don replied. "If you give me a list of the paints, I'll go pick it up and drop them off by noon, then I'm due back at the precinct. Bill will be here at one though to make a start."

"Wow, that's great," Maureen said, thankful she didn't have to paint, she couldn't stand the smell.

.

Dispatching Don with a list of the paints and after a brief disagreement on who was paying for it – Don insisted he would, Maureen sat on the bench and studied her list. The water and electricity should be reconnected before Don returned; the gas later on in the day.

"What next?" Fin asked, setting the paint charts aside.

"I want to have all the locks changed and scrub out all the kitchen cupboards," she said, scanning the page in front of her. "Then I want to arrange for the windows to be washed and do some work out in the yard. The front yard's not too bad but the back's like a jungle. Then there's the garage and ..."

"Whoa!" said Fin throwing up his hands. "I didn't realise there was so much to do when you enlisted me." He laughed.

"Well, you did say you could spare a few days," she replied. "And you know it's for a good cause."

Fin couldn't argue with that.

"I gotta friend who can do the locks, he owes me," he said, pulling out his cell. "They can be done today."

By Saturday afternoon, the painting was completed, save for the downstairs bathroom, which needed some tiles replaced first and the study, as no colour had been selected.

.

Meanwhile, the trip to the house by the lake had been good and uneventful, which suited Olivia well. On the Thursday, they had done little but hang around the house and then Friday had done the same thing but by the lake.

Saturday was the twins' birthday and they wanted to go into town, so just after ten, the family departed and Elliot drove them this time. Pulling up in a parking space in the main street, Elliot turned off the car.

"So, what's the plan of attack for today?" he asked, turning to find his twins whispering in the back seat. "What are you two up too?"

"Nothing," Lizzie replied as she climbed out of the car. When they were standing on the sidewalk, Lizzie wrapped her arm around Olivia. "Livvy," she said slowly. "You know it's summer..."  
"Yes, I know it's summer," she replied, already feeling the heat in the day.

"Well, last time we were at the house we made arrangements for summer, and I think we should act on it," she said, pointing at the hairdressers. "I just think it's the perfect place."

Olivia grinned; having their hair cut off for Locks of Love was one thing, having it done in the place Elliot and Dickie had lost their hair was just poetic.

"What a wonderful idea, Lizzie," she said, squeezing her youngest daughter. "Let's go."

"Are you really going to chop it all off?" Elliot asked, grabbing her hand.

"Well, we won't go as short as you did but it's for a good cause," she said, caressing his face.

"We don't have to watch, do we?" he asked, he accepted the hair was coming off, and it was for altruistic reasons, but he loved his wife with longer hair.

"No, baby," she replied. "You and Dickie can go do something else. We'll meet you for lunch across the road in about an hour."

First in the chair was Olivia and the instruction was simple; cut it off at the pony tail and then tidy it up. She was looking for a no fuss hairstyle to see her through the end of the pregnancy.

Lizzie was a bit more detailed in her instructions and stopped the hairdresser three times to clarify the style. Olivia could only laugh, although she could remember being seventeen things like hairstyles and the latest fashion trend had meant nothing to her.

By the time they were finished, their respective ponytails were wrapped in paper and encased in plastic bags, ready to be sent to their destination. Olivia looked at them both in the mirror.

"This was a wonderful thing to do, Liz," she said, kissing her head.

"It's only hair, and it's for a good cause," she replied, hugging Olivia. "Come on, I'm starving and I bet you and Carson are too."

"Carson? I don't think so," Olivia said, paying the lady.

"Well, how about Cassidy?" Lizzie said, picking up the bags of hair.

"Oh, definitely not, don't even mention that one to your father," she cautioned, taking Lizzie's hand as they crossed the road.

"And why not?" Lizzie asked, stopping at their car to leave the hair. "Is it the name of an old boyfriend?"

"Something like that," Olivia said with a chuckle. She could only imagine the look on Elliot's face if she called the baby Cassidy.

.

Sitting in the restaurant waiting for Elliot and Dickie to return, Lizzie grabbed her notebook and pen and listed some more names, whilst crossing off Cassidy.

"What else have you got there, Liz?" Olivia asked, watching her stepdaughter.

"Well, for C there is Charlie, Clark, Connor, Curtis..." she rattled off.

"You can cross off that last one," she said, pointing to the book. While it was spelt differently, there was no Kurt on her possible baby name list.

"How many boyfriends have you had, Livvy?" Lizzie asked, pen halted midair.

"Ooh," she replied, feeling her stomach; not that Junior had moved but to make Lizzie think so and change the topic.

"Can I feel?" she asked; her hand on Olivia's stomach before she could reply. "Come on Junior," Lizzie encouraged and eventually she got a kick as her reward.

.

When Elliot and Dickie arrived they were carrying bags and looked more than pleased with themselves.

"What did you get, dad?" Lizzie asked. "Something for me?"

"Well, part of it's for us," Dickie replied, upending his bag on the table to reveal the latest Nintendo games they wanted.

"Wow! Great!" she said. "What's in that one?"

"This is for Bruce," Elliot said.

"Dad, Bruce was two days, ago," Lizzie said with a dramatic sigh. "Today is Carson, but Liv said no to it – and a whole lot more. Think I'll just have to skip to the D's. How about David?"

"Better than the other options," Elliot replied, kissing Olivia's head as he sat down beside her.

"Hair looks good," he whispered, kissing her again.

"Thanks, babe," she replied, squeezing his hand.

"What about mine, dad?" Lizzie asked.

"Yours too, sweetheart," he replied, "Yours too."

.

By Sunday, Maureen, Kathleen, Don, Fin and John stood around the kitchen bench working on the plan for the next week.

"Well, the bathroom will be fixed this week, then Bill will come back to paint it and the study, if we pick a colour," Maureen reported, grabbing the paint chart. "Any suggestions?"

"Go for the neutral colour," John said, tapping the wheat chit. "Then if they don't like it, it can be painted over much easier."

"Good idea," Kathleen replied. "So, what needs to be done right now?"

"The gardening," Maureen said. "There's nothing really to be done in the house until the floors are all cleaned – that should be done by Tuesday. Then we can organise to have the furniture delivered."

"Sounds like you're very organised there, Maureen," Don said, patting her on the back.

"Well, I have to be if everything is to be done before they get back," she replied, hoping her parents would be surprised and pleased by her efforts. It was only after Bill and his guys had started she wondered if they'd think she'd overstepped the boundary by taking this job on – but, it was too late then and she just kept going.

"In that case," said Fin, "Let's go out back and you can tell us what needs doing."

Maureen's estimate of the yard being like a jungle wasn't far from the truth and John shook his head at the amount of work that needed doing. As the only one with a current garden, Maureen appointed Don in charge and deemed it to be men's work before heading back into the house with Kathleen to continue cleaning the bathrooms.

As she scrubbed out a bathtub, trying not to inhale the fumes, Maureen thought of her dad and while on her knees offered a long rambling prayer that he'd have many happy years ahead in this home, he deserved nothing less.

**_Please don't forget to review!_**

**_Please read and review Death of a Child too._**


	45. Chapter 45

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

Saturday had been a great day and the twins had enjoyed their birthday immensely, taking advantage of the first birthday they ever remembered Elliot being there for the entire day. On most birthdays he'd managed to catch them for a couple of hours, though their eighth and fourteenth ones he'd missed altogether. Come Sunday and the mood had shifted, Olivia seemed overly tired and irritable and Elliot decided that taking the twins with him for a long walk after lunch might give her a chance to rest.

Over an hour later, as they neared the house once more, Elliot stopped and sat down on rock, the twins stopped too.

"Have you overdone it, dad?" asked Dickie, propping himself on the rock next to his father.

"No, I'm fine. Just thought it was a great view of the lake," he said, pointing to the expanse of blue water rippling in front of them.

"Is Livvy okay?" asked Lizzie, knowing the purpose of their walk was to get out of the house.

"Yes, sweetie, she's fine. Just a little tired today," Elliot said, squeezing her hand.

"She looked pretty upset when I went back to get my hat," Dickie said and Elliot turned to look at him.

"When? Just after we left?" he asked quickly and Dickie nodded. "Why didn't you say something?" he asked, jumping up.

"I thought you knew – I thought that's why we went out," Dickie replied nervously.

"Can you give us some time?" he asked looking between his twins, they nodded.

Leaving the twins behind, Elliot jogged up to the house and let himself back in. Tempted to call out to Olivia, he decided he wouldn't risk it, just in case she was asleep. It didn't take him long to find her curled up in their bed. For a few minutes, he leaned against the door jamb and watched her believing she was asleep. It was only when he heard her sniffle he realised she was awake and crying.

Kicking off his shoes, Elliot climbed onto the bed behind her and kissed her head.

"Livia, what's wrong?" he asked, gently rubbing her shoulder. Her only response was to bury her head further into her pillow and cry some more.

"Hey, hey, hey, Liv ... Livvy, honey," he soothed, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her around to him. "Baby, what is it?" he asked, continuing to caress her. When there was no response, Elliot scooped her up and placed her in his lap as he leant against the headboard, cradling her, caressing her.

For a while he whispered his love and devotion to her and when this elicited no response, he just held her in silence and hoped she'd find a way to give voice to whatever it was that was troubling her. Unable to speak to him, just yet, Olivia allowed the silence to wash over her and with his gentle touch found herself drifting off to sleep.

Drifting off himself, Elliot was awoken by a soft rap on their door.

"Is Liv alright?" Dickie mouthed when Elliot managed to open his eyes.

He nodded but knew it wasn't the truth.

"Anything we can do?" he asked in a whisper, concerned that in all the time since his dad's diagnosis and despite everything else that had happened, this was the first time he'd seen Olivia not coping.

Elliot shook his head and Dickie disappeared.

The next time Elliot opened his eyes, he saw Olivia looking up at him. She'd stopped crying but her eyes were still watery and red rimmed. Leaning down, he gently placed a kiss on her forehead and then, for awhile, he just held her gaze. Eventually, Olivia freed her arms and draped them around his neck, pulling herself up and closer to him.

"Love you, honey," he whispered, kissing her again.

"Love you, El," she replied, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Anything you want to talk about?" he asked and watched as her eyes filled with tears once more.

"You know what today is?" she asked as her tears slipped quietly down her cheeks.

"No, Livia, what's today?" he asked, using his thumb to brush away her tears.

"It's six months since your surgery," she whispered, her finger tenderly tracing the small scar the surgery left behind.

"So it is," he replied, holding her tighter. "Been a hell of a six months, hasn't it?"

"Aha," she said, a sob catching in her throat.

"What's making you so sad, baby?" he asked, cupping her face with his hand.

"I think it's everything," she replied with a shake of her head. "And the hormones don't help."

"I know," he said sympathetically, but he knew it wasn't the whole story.

"And...and..." she stammered before pulling him closer.

"And what, Liv?" he asked, drawing her face up with his finger.

"So much has happened in those six months..." she said, before taking a deep breath and spilling all her thoughts at once. "I mean here we are married, and expecting a baby and getting our own home and all the stuff we have to do to move in and ... and ... the treatments and the kids and the crap with Kathy and then there was Dickie and everything with him and ... and...work and Munch being shot and our replacements being killed and ... and ... and ...everything."

"Sshh, sssh," he soothed as she began to sob once more. "I know it's been so hard on you. You have had so much to put up with and you've done it without complaining and without question. I have no idea what I'd ever have done if you hadn't let me stay ...if you hadn't loved me."

"I loved you long before the cancer," she mumbled, trying to will the tears away.

"And I loved you long before it too," he replied, kissing her head.

"I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed," she admitted. "I've been holding it all together and yesterday was such a great day and then I woke up this morning and everything seemed to hit me at once."

"I'm sorry everything's been put on you, Livia," Elliot said softly.

"Don't apologise, I wouldn't have had it any other way – we're partners, always have been, we're there for each other – I'm so grateful you let me in ... and didn't shut me out," she said, reaching up to kiss his cheek. "It's just...just a bit much today."

Hugging her tightly, Elliot rubbed her back as Olivia fought to get her crying and breathing under control. It was a battle she wasn't winning.

"Just let it all out, Livia," Elliot instructed gently as he rubbed circles on her back. "It's okay."

"No, no," she mumbled into his tear stained tee.

"It's okay, Livia, it's okay - let go," he whispered, kissing her head; he'd been wondering for a while when she was going to break. With all the drama, in recent times, he knew she hadn't had any avenue to release all the negative emotions. Instead, she had worked overtime to put on a happy front, ignore her own issues and devote herself to him and his kids. Now, he was going to ensure she was focus of all his efforts.

"I...think...that...if...I...let...go..." she said trying to catch her breath, "Then ... I'm ...going ...to ...fall......."

"I will catch you, Olivia," he soothed, kissing her head again and again. "I will always catch you. You're safe here, baby..."

.

With his beautiful, yet distressed, wife sobbing endlessly, Elliot eased them both down in the bed before pulling her flush against him. Cradling her body to his, he hooked his leg over hers, allowing her very little room to move in the cocoon of himself he had created around her. As Olivia's crying eased and her breathing began to even out, Elliot spoke.

"I love you so much, Olivia," he declared in a low, gentle voice, his caresses endless. "You are my world, baby. You may not realise this but I absolutely adore you...you coming into my life was a godsend and although we've had some hard times, I thank god for you, each and every day."

"Love you too," she replied with a yawn, exhaustion taking its toll.

Before long, Olivia was asleep but Elliot never faltered in his caresses, hoping to soothe her even in her slumber. It wasn't til she awoke, feeling suffocated she realised he hadn't moved in hours – she also realised that she needed the bathroom again, and in a hurry. Initially, she tried to ease his leg over hers but he wouldn't move. Next, she tried to slip out of his grasp, but he only held her more firmly. That left her with only one option.

"Elliot," she called, shaking him. "Elliot, you need to let me go."  
"Never, Liv," he mumbled. "I'm never going to let you go."

"I know, baby," she agreed. "But I need the bathroom; you have to let me go."

"Love you, Livvy," he rambled, pulling her closer.

"Elliot!" she said louder. "I have to pee and if you don't let me go, it's gonna happen right here!"

.Something in her words or her tone caught his attention and he let her go.

"Thank you," she said, easing her growing body from the bed.

"Need help?" he asked with a smirk as she faltered getting up.

"Can you go for me?" she asked with a laugh and Elliot grinned – the tears had passed.

.

When Olivia emerged from the bathroom, she found Elliot sitting on the end of the bed in his blue shorts and a fresh tee.

"Thank you," she said, padding over to him and standing in front of him.

"For what?" he asked as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

"For being you," she replied, not wanting to go into detail about everything else.

"My pleasure," he said as she leant down and kissed his forehead.

.

Content to just hold her for a while longer, Elliot's plans were changed when Junior kicked and Olivia's stomach growled.

"I'm thinking it's dinner time for mommy and baby," he said, standing up and kissing her cheek.

"Oh god, it's nearly eight and the kids need to be fed and..." she began, tugging his hand towards the door.

"Livia, the twins turned seventeen yesterday, not seven. If they were hungry they would have eaten," he reminded her with a chuckle.

"Well, in that case it's time for David and mommy to eat," she said, wrapping her arm around Elliot's waist as he stood.

"David, is it?" he asked, hooking his arm around her shoulders and walking out with her.

"It's today's name," she said, "But I like it."

"I like it too," he replied, kissing her head. "Does that mean Liz can put it on her possibilities list?"

"Yeah," Olivia said with a smile. "It'll make her happy."

.

As soon as Elliot and Olivia appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, Lizzie jumped up from the chair and ran to her before embracing her in a huge hug.

"Are you okay, Livvy?" she asked, pulling back just far enough to see Olivia's face.

"Yes, I am," she replied, kissing Lizzie's cheek.

"Are you sure?" she probed and Olivia nodded. "Is there anything we can do to help? To make things better? To..."

"No, Liz, honey, I'm okay. I feel much better now – your dad and some sleep helped," she replied. "Now, dinner..."

"Dickie and I have it organised. The only thing left is to grill the meat because we weren't sure what time we'd be eating. The salads are done and the bread's ready. We set the table out on the patio and it's still warm out there, unless you want to eat in and the drinks are chilling in the fridge. Dickie even made that chocolate cheesecake thing you like for dessert," Lizzie rattled off and Olivia hugged her.

"Well, let's eat then," she said. "Thank you for doing all this," she added, kissing her once more.

.

The conversation over dinner seemed very slow and Olivia knew everyone was tentative about discussion topics, lest they upset her.

"Liz," she said, after taking another slice of cheesecake, which made Dickie smile. "You can add David to the possibility list."

"Really?" she asked, grabbing the notebook which was never too far away.

"Yes, really," Elliot answered, sitting back and watching Olivia enjoy her dessert.

"Great! That's our first 'D' name," she enthused, scribbling it down.

"So, onto the 'E's', is it?" asked Elliot.

"Not yet, dad," she said, shaking her head. "David was only the first 'D' name. What do you think of Daniel?"

"It's okay," Olivia replied. "Though I prefer David."

'Me too," Dickie chimed in.

"What about Donald?" she asked, pen poised. "I don't like it, myself, because of...well you know, Donald Duck, but with Don Cragen...I thought you may want to consider it."

"Don't think we'll go with Donald – you're right, it conjures images of a duck," Elliot said.

"Okay, so, David's a yes," Lizzie recounted "Donald's a no, Daniel is not completely discounted, Dean is..."

"No," Elliot and Olivia replied in unison before looking at each other.

"I'd say it's a no, Liz," Dickie confirmed with a laugh.

"That's the name of another boyfriend, isn't it, Liv?" Lizzie remarked.

"No," she replied adamantly.

"No?" she questioned. "Then why are you both so against it? I like it – There was this guy Dean in Gilmore Girls and he was so hot..."

"It won't be Dean, Lizzie," Elliot said firmly and she put down the pencil and studied them.

"Who was or is Dean?" she asked.

"Nobody," Elliot said, shaking his head. Dean Porter wasn't going to be discussed.

"Liv?" she prompted, curiosity getting the better of her. "Ex-husband?"

"No!" she said just as firmly as Elliot had. "He's just someone we worked with."

"OOOH! I get it," Lizzie said grinning as she picked up her pencil once more.

"Oooh, what do you get?" asked Elliot, mimicking her tone.

"You both worked with this Dean guy, he liked Livvy and you were jealous," she said, more than pleased with her deduction.

"I was not," Elliot said, getting up from the table. "End of discussion."

.

For a few minutes there was silence as Olivia looked to the door for Elliot's return and Dickie glared at Lizzie.

"You couldn't let it go, could you?" he hissed.

"Sorry, Liv," she said apologetically.

"It's okay, honey," she said, tussling Lizzie's hair as she stood up.

"What did this guy do to dad?" she asked. "He shoot him or something?"

"No, nothing like that," Olivia answered. "He was just a guy who caused some difficulties in our partnership."

"Is he still around?" Dickie asked.

"No, he's long gone," she replied, heading to the door to find her husband.

.

It took Olivia a few false starts and a trip to the bathroom before finding Elliot sitting in the dark in the entertainment room, not even pretending to watch anything.

"Can I come in?" she asked, leaning on the door and was relieved when he nodded and held out his hand.

'I'm okay," he informed her as she sat across his lap, holding onto him.

"I know," she replied, kissing his cheek.

"I know there was never anything between you two," he said, holding her a little more tightly. "Was there?" he asked, needing to reassure himself.

"Never," she replied, caressing his face.

"He took you away from me," Elliot whispered, leaning his head against hers.

"When?" she asked, drawing his face up to hers.

"Oregon," he replied.

"He never _made _me go, El, I went voluntarily," she said, her hand coming to rest on his cheek.

"It nearly broke me, you know? You leaving me like that...because of him...didn't think I'd make it..." he said, holding her so tightly Olivia didn't think she could breathe.

"Baby, I didn't leave because of him, I left because of you... and because of me...and because there couldn't be anything more between us and because you couldn't leave but I could," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears.

"I never wanted you to leave, babe," he replied. "I know I was a bastard; everything I said to you at the time was out of instinct...but the truth was I was in love with you, Liv – even back then but..."

"And I was in love with you," she said, "Which is why I left you. I couldn't put you in that situation. Didn't want you to risk your family for me – I wasn't worth it."

"What do you mean you weren't worth it?" he asked, pulling back from her.

"I never felt I was worthy of your love – of anybody's love ..." she explained in the quietness of the room. "I had been told often enough I was worthless, unlovable, useless...and you get to believe it."

"And now?" he almost gasped.

"I know I'm loved and I'm getting used to the idea that I'm worthy of it," she replied, tears finally trickling down her face.

"Of course you're worthy of it, Livia," he said before kissing her twice. "You are so loved and adored and treasured and appreciated and ... and cherished and... and ...and..."

Olivia's lips forcefully claiming his left no room for any further words.

**_Please don't forget to review!_**

**_Please read and review Death of a Child too._**


	46. Chapter 46

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**Life is short...make the most of it.**

By the time the twins came in from the patio Olivia and Elliot were moving back towards the kitchen.

"I'm so sorry, dad, Liv," Lizzie said tearfully as she placed the plates by the sink. "I won't say anything else about names." She looked up to them but didn't quite meet their gaze.

"It's okay, sweetie," said Elliot, moving around the kitchen bench. "No harm done."

"I'll just go get the rest of the stuff," she said, brushing past Elliot before he could hug her.

"Liz?" Olivia called and while she paused by the back door, she didn't turn around.

"Yes?" she answered.

"We're not mad at you," she said, moving towards her youngest stepdaughter.

"I know," she replied with a sniffle.

"Then why won't you look at us?" she asked, her hand coming to rest on Lizzie's shoulder.

.

Slowly, Lizzie turned around to look at Olivia, the first of her tears already on her cheeks.

"Lizzie, honey, why the tears?" she asked, moving to brush them away as Elliot came over.

"No reason," she replied, walking out the back door and continuing to pack away the dinner things.

Elliot and Olivia turned to Dickie, who was standing behind them.

"What's going on?" Elliot asked, as his eyes drifted back to his daughter.

"She'll be fine," Dickie said, leaning on the counter. "She's just feeling bad for upsetting you tonight."

"She didn't upset me," Elliot replied, moving to open the door as Lizzie appeared with her hands full once more.

"Liz, you didn't upset me," he said, taking the bowls from her.

"Sure," she replied.

"You didn't," he said, reaching out for her as she tried to bypass him once more. "Hey, Liz, look at me," he said, pulling her towards him. Soon his daughter drew a deep breath and looked up at him. "It wasn't the questions about the name that upset me. It's the memories it brought up – it was going to happen sooner or later ... at least now Liv and I have talked and we're better for it."

Cuddling into her father, Lizzie rested her head on her dad's chest and held tight, she felt his kisses on her head before she looked up once more.

"There are a few more things I've got to get," she said letting him go and heading out once more.

Reluctantly, Elliot let go and watched her leave once more, knowing she was still upset.

"Let me," Olivia said, following Lizzie out the door as Dickie started packing the dishwasher.

.

Rather than clearing the last of the items from the table, Olivia found Lizzie sitting on the bench seat facing the darkened expanse where the lake was situated. Wrapping an arm around her, Olivia sat beside her and tugged her closer but said nothing. Eventually, Lizzie rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and sighed deeply.

"I never meant to be a pain about any of this," Lizzie said quietly. "I was just so excited about the baby and about his name and I got carried away."

"Lizzie, we're not upset with you," Olivia reiterated, kissing her head. "I think it's very sweet that you are excited about your new baby brother."

"I'm sorry I upset or offended you with Cassidy and Curt and you and dad with Dean, I won't do it anymore," she said, shivering in the cool breeze of the night.

"You didn't, honey. You're not to know which names have good and bad memories for us," she said, rubbing Lizzie's arm.

"Yeah, but if I had kept my mouth shut, dad wouldn't have had a bad night, after you've have a bad day," she said, tearfully.

"Liz, sweetie, look at me," Olivia instructed, raising the teen's face. "Today has just been a bad day all around. It's the culmination of a lot of stress and pressure, but it's got very little to do with you – you just provided the last straw. But everything's okay now and I'm sure after a good night's sleep, we'll all be much happier tomorrow."

Meanwhile, Dickie and Elliot had cleaned up the kitchen and the patio. Dickie had put on a DVD and they were sitting watching the trailers when the girls returned.

"Perfect timing," Elliot said with a chuckle. "The dishes are all done."

"Well, that was our plan, wasn't it, Liz?" Olivia replied, and Lizzie nodded, giving only a small smile.

"We're about to watch a movie, you going to join us?" he asked, looking from his wife to his daughter.

"No, thank you, dad," Lizzie replied formally. "I think I'm going to have a bath and then go to bed. Good night." She was gone before they could reply.

"Liz?" he called but she never turned back and Elliot looked to Olivia.

"She's okay, just tired and emotional," she replied. "She'll be fine by morning."

"I might just go check," he replied, getting up from the sofa.

"No, dad, don't... I'll go," Dickie said, grimacing as he got up from the armchair.

"Are you alright, Dickie?" Olivia asked, as she watched him walk past with a slight limp.

"Yeah, just think I overdid it on the walk this afternoon," he replied. "Look, I might say good night too." He moved back to hug and kiss both his dad and Olivia. "It's been a long day."

.

Knocking on his sister's bedroom door, Dickie waited til he heard a reply but it didn't come.

"Liz? Lizzie?" he called out. "Can I come in?" There was no response so he opened the door and walked in anyway. Lizzie was standing in front of the window looking into the nothingness beyond it.

"Don't want to talk about it," she said without looking at her brother.

"Why are you so upset?" he asked, coming to stand beside her.

"This was supposed to be a nice, relaxing holiday for them both, you know, with all the other crap that's happening ... and so far today it's just been tears and more tears and I can't help but feel I should never have come," she replied as the tears streamed down her face. "They don't need extra shit and I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut."

"Hey, hey," he soothed, wrapping and arm around her. "Yes, you have a big mouth, but this is not your fault."

"I just wish everything was better – that dad was better and there were no more treatments and we knew he wasn't going to die and that Junior was here and he was perfect and your leg was better and we were all living in the house and actually happy... I just want everyone to be healthy and happy – for once," she said, now sobbing.

"Yeah, me too," he replied, hugging his twin, they were his very thoughts.

"And...and I hate myself for it but I miss mom too – we didn't talk to her yesterday, the first time in seventeen years she didn't wish us happy birthday," she cried, the deeper reason for her distress coming to the surface.

"I thought that was a bit weird too," Dickie said, holding her tighter.

On their birthday, both had called their mother at separate times, only to have their message go to voice message. They had waited for her to return their calls but it never eventuated. Both had pushed it aside in the happiness of the day but it had been playing on Lizzie's mind ever since.

"I wonder if she hates us because we chose Liv and dad?" Lizzie pondered aloud.

"I don't think she hates us," Dickie reassured her. "Maybe she was working, or her phone wasn't charged..."

"Why didn't she phone us herself?" Lizzie asked and Dickie shrugged. "God, this is a mess," she said with a sniffle. "I mean I hate her for what she did to dad and to Liv and now I'm crying because she didn't call us. How stupid am I?"

"You're not stupid, Liz. You're definitely allowed to love and hate her," he replied.

"How do you know?" she asked, wiping her face.

"Livvy told me when I was in hospital," he answered. "She said it was okay to hate someone and still need them, especially when it's your mom."

.

Deciding to head to bed themselves as the day was not going to get any better, Olivia stood in the middle of the bathroom unsure of her next move.

"Do you want to have a spa?" Elliot asked, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Can't – not with Junior," she said, shaking her head.

"Oops, I forgot," he said. "What about a warm bath, or a shower? Might make you feel better."

"Will you join me?" she asked, as he stripped off her tee for her.

"Oh, I think I can manage that," he replied, as she leant on him while stepping out of her shorts.

Their long leisurely shower was warm in temperature but hot in the electricity they generated pressed against the cubicle wall exchanging toe curling kisses – Olivia's libido in overdrive during her second trimester.

"Might be safer to move this to the bed," Elliot groaned as Olivia slipped her hand between them and stroked his length.

"Might be a good idea," she moaned arching into him.

.

Still dripping wet, Elliot carried his wife back to the bed and laid her in the middle of it before climbing onto it.

"Condoms," Olivia moaned as he licked her nipple.

"Shit, forgot," he said, pulling away. Both stared at each other – each hoping the other had packed the necessary supplies. "Did you?"

"No, did you?" she countered, praying he had.

"No," he answered, dropping his head to her chest.

"Shit," she echoed. If she wasn't pregnant right now she'd risk it but with Junior doing so well, despite everything that had happened, she wouldn't put his wellbeing at stake with any residual chemicals in Elliot's system, regardless of how much she needed and wanted him right now. "Well," she said, with a heavy sigh. "You know what they say?"

"What do they say?" he grumbled, more than annoyed at the change in proceedings.

"When automatic doesn't work, you've got to go manual," she said with a laugh, reaching down for him and giving matters a hand.

.

The twins were still in Lizzie's bedroom when her cell rang. Still pretty upset, Dickie answered it for her.

"Are you guys all in bed because the house is pretty dark?" Maureen said.

"No, Liz and I are ... how do you know the house is dark?" he questioned, realising what she'd said.

"Kat and I are in the car outside. Do you want to let us in?" she asked and Dickie smiled; this was exactly what they needed – Maureen.

Taking Lizzie with him, they made their way to the front door and opened it. Maureen was on the doorstep and Lizzie threw her arms around her so unexpectedly that she stumbled backwards before Kathleen helped her regain her balance.

"What on earth happened here today?" she asked, holding her youngest sister tightly.

"I'm so glad you're here, Mo," Dickie said leaning on the door. "But I thought you said you'd be here tomorrow."

"That was our plan," she said, walking in with Lizzie still attached. "But when you called this afternoon concerned about Liv and Liz called tonight concerned about dad, I figured we'd better come and see what's happening."

"Well, come on in," Dickie said, grabbing the bags from Kathleen. "Dad and Liv are in bed."

.

Leaving the bags in the hallway, Dickie led the girls into the kitchen before getting them drinks and some cheesecake. Deciding it may be easier to talk on the patio than in the house and risk waking their parents, Kathleen took the glasses out to the patio, while Dickie went and collected a couple of blankets to ward off the night chill. When he returned, Kathleen and Lizzie were sitting on the patio swing seat, while Maureen was on a chair at the table.

"Great cheesecake, Dick," Kathleen said, putting down her empty bowl and spoon. "Thanks," she added as he handing her the blanket and she wrapped it around herself and Lizzie who had snuggled up to her.

.

Handing the other blanket to Maureen, Dickie sat down next to her.

"What about you?" she asked as she wrapped herself in the soft pink blanket.

"Not cold," he replied, taking a long drink.

"Are you feeling alright?" she asked, placing the back of her hand against his forehead. "You feel hot."

"I'm okay," he said, moving his head so her hand dropped.

"And you were limping," Kathleen observed, stroking Lizzie's arm, surprised her younger sister was attached to her and not Maureen.

"I'm okay," he repeated.

"Did you finish all those antibiotics?" Maureen asked and Dickie nodded.

"Yeah, look can we talk about dad and Liv?" he countered, redirecting the conversation.

"Sure," she replied, with a furrowed brow, concerned about his health but wanting to hear what had happened here today.

Over the next little while, the twins caught their older sisters up on the events of the day and added the details about not speaking to their mom the day before, which Kathleen and Maureen also considered odd. They then discussed the toll all this must be taking on Elliot and Olivia and how they really deserved some time out from everyone and everything to reconnect.

Excusing himself to go to the bathroom, Dickie returned to the house went to the bathroom. Realising his leg was more painful than he was willing to admit; he dropped his jeans and discovered another inflamed patch on his lower leg.

"Fuck," he grumbled. "This is all we need." Knowing he had no painkillers and that Elliot did, he went to his room, hoping that they were asleep and he could sneak in and take some without them asking a whole lot of questions.

.

Rapping softly on the door so he didn't wake them if they were asleep and so they'd hear if they weren't, Dickie turned the door knob gently.

"Come in," he heard and he grimaced; now he'd have explaining to do.

As he eased the door open, he was horrified to find what he'd actually heard was 'coming' and his father and stepmother were engaged in activities that were causing them immense gratification and causing him immense consternation.

Quickly, he shut the door and scurried down the hallway to the kitchen, trying to block the moans and groans which were ricocheting around his brain. There were things in life a boy never needed and seeing his parents copulating was top of the list.

"What's wrong?" Maureen asked as she came into the kitchen to find him with his hands pressed firmly on the counter, his head hung low.

"Nothing," he replied, standing up.

"Dickie, you look like you've seen a ghost," she said, wrapping an arm around him and leading him to a chair.

"No, no, I'm good," he said, trying to shake it off.

"Tell me," she said, sternly, taking his hand in one of hers, his face in her other one. "What is it?"

"Ah, well, let's just say that we...ah...we don't have to worry about dad and Liv, they're ... um... _connecting _as we speak," he said, shuddering at the thought.

"You mean they're.... and you..." Maureen said, trying to suppress her laughter at Dickie's expression.

"God, Mo, can this day get any worse?" he said, dropping his head. "I mean I thought it was bad enough with everything else but this just tops it off ..."

"Come back out here, kiddo," she said, taking his arm. "We'll give them..." she nodded towards the hallway, "... a little more time and space."

"Going to Australia wouldn't give me enough space at the moment," he said as Maureen chuckled.

"You poor thing," she consoled him as they rejoined their sisters.

**_Please don't forget to review!_**

**_Please read and review Death of a Child too._**


	47. Chapter 47

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**Happy Birthday, Hannah! Love you lots. xox**

After pleasing his wife, on more than one occasion, Elliot was dispatched to the kitchen for more water and anything chocolate – especially if it came in the form of cheesecake. Even though the house was dark, he hitched his robe around his naked body just in case of a chance encounter with one of the twins. Seeing the patio light still on, Elliot assumed nobody had thought to turn it off in the events of the evening. Looking out he was surprised to find not two but all of his offspring sitting there.

"What's going on?" he asked, opening the door and surprising them.

"Hey, dad," Kathleen said, spying him first.

"Hi Kat, Mo, when did you guys get here?" he asked, kissing Maureen's head before moving to Kathleen.

"An hour or so ago," Kathleen replied while Dickie busied himself with the bottle cap at his feet.

"Why didn't you let us know you were coming?" he asked, leaning on the wall.

"It was a last minute thing," Maureen said as the twins looked at her, hoping she wouldn't tell him anything. "Had some free time tomorrow and thought it would be good to get here tonight and not have to drive both ways in one day."

"Good thinking," he said, nodding. "Have you eaten? Can we get you something?"

"No, thanks, dad, we're fine. Dickie looked after us," Kathleen said and pointed to the empty bowls.

"Good, good," he replied. "Now, beds and sleeping arrangements..."

"It's okay, dad, we'll sort it out," Maureen said as Dickie cringed just at thought of his father and bed in the same sentence.

"Well, it's very late," he said, "So if everyone's alright..." he said, before pausing and looking at Lizzie who hadn't said anything. "I might head back to bed, Olivia will be wondering where I am."

.

When Elliot had departed with good night wishes from all, the kids sat quietly waiting to see if he or Olivia would return. Nothing happened, so Maureen began talking once more.

"Now," she started. "I know you guys wanted to be here this week, but maybe you should come back..."

"Good idea, we will," Dickie replied, not waiting for her to finish her sentence.

"Yeah, it is," Lizzie agreed enthusiastically.

"You may as well know that Kat and I have been working on the house as a surprise for dad and Liv and that's where you two will be spending the rest of the week," she said, picking up her glass.

"What have you done?" he asked, knowing there were a hundred things to do and his leg wasn't going to let him help too much.

"All the basics," she said. "Everything's been painted, floors are all done, all the cupboards and windows are clean."

"The yard's been cleared," Kathleen continued. "And some planting has been done. The front yard's been tidied and that upstairs window has been replaced."

"Wow!" said Lizzie, "That's a lot!"

"Yeah, well, we didn't do it alone," Maureen informed them. "Don, Fin and John have helped a lot and Casey was there yesterday working on a mural in the nursery."

"What is there for us to do?" asked Lizzie, now happy to be going home and doing something constructive.

"We've organised to have the bedroom furniture items delivered in the last run tomorrow, so you can sort out your own bedrooms first," she said. "Fin and John will be by to give us a hand if they don't get a case."

.

As it had already gone midnight, Maureen stood up and picked up the last of the glasses and the blanket. "I think it's time for bed," she said and headed indoors, the others followed.

Dickie picked up their bags and headed down the hallway towards the fourth, previously unused, bedroom.

"You can have this room," he said, opening the door and flicking on the light for them. "The bathroom's just across there and my room's there," he added, pointing to the closed door to the right.

"Mine's there," Lizzie said, pointing to another closed door. "You can share with me," she offered, and when the older girls stopped and looked at her face they realised she wasn't offering so much as asking for some company.

"Great idea," said Kathleen, picking up her bag. "I'll share with you," she said, pleased to be having a positive relationship with her sister. Over the years she had ignored her little sister but Elliot's illness had taught her the value of family and she wasn't about to let this opportunity pass.

"Okay then," said Maureen. "Good night."

.

When Lizzie and Kathleen had disappeared into the bedroom, Dickie moved across to his room; his limp more noticeable. Maureen picked up her bag, flicked off the light and headed across behind him.

"Where are you going?" Dickie asked as she entered the room behind him and shut the door.

"I'm sharing with you," she said, dropping her bag by the bed.

"But there's only the one bed in here," he said, pointing at the queen size bed in the middle of the room.

"It's big enough for us both," she said, padding across to close the window and blinds.

"Why are you sharing with me?" he asked, confused.

"Because you are not telling me the truth about your leg, it's infected again, isn't it?" she questioned, fishing through her bag for her pyjamas.

"Yeah, I think it is," he admitted.

"Hurt much?" she asked as she took his arm and made him sit down on the bed.

"No...not really," he started before shaking his head. "Actually, it hurts like hell, Mo."

"Did you take something for it?" she asked, feeling his forehead again.

"No, I don't have anything and it's when I went into dad's room to get some I..." He trailed shuddering again. "Well, let's just say I didn't get them."

.

Fishing around her bag once more, Maureen produced a packet of Tylenol Extra and handed it to Dickie.

"I'm going to get you some water and an ice pack – we'll see if we can ease the pain that way," she said, exiting the room before he could reply.

Collecting what she needed from the kitchen, Maureen made her way down the hallway and back to Dickie who was laying on the bed in his boxers, propped up on the pillows, the covers around his knees.

"Here," she said, handing him the water so he could take the pills. "Now, let's look at this."

The red, inflamed area spread out from the centre of his shin, going around the inside of his calf and to the back. "God, Dickie, this looks as bad as last time," she said as she wrapped the icepack around his leg, raised it up on a pillow and pulled up the covers. "If it gets worse in the night we're going to get medical treatment," she warned him.

"No, Mo, we can wait til we get back to New York tomorrow," he replied with a yawn.

Making sure her brother was comfortable and set for the night; Maureen turned off the light and slipped into the bed beside him.

"You wake me if you need me," she said, settling down in the bed, facing him.

.

Morning came around quickly and while Dickie's leg was no better, it was no worse either, which Maureen took as a good sign.

"I'm hungry," he grumbled, pulling back the covers but Maureen pulled them up over him once more.

"I'll get you your breakfast, but you stay here and keep that leg elevated," she instructed before using the back of her hand to check his temperature. "How are you feeling?"

"Hungry," he answered and Maureen laughed.

"Well, at least that's normal," she replied. "What would you like for breakfast?"

"French toast," he answered quickly. It was a breakfast dish that he loved but hadn't had in a long time, not since his mother... "Oh, maybe not," he said changing his mind.

"What about pancakes then?" she asked and he agreed.

.

Rummaging around in the kitchen trying to find the ingredients and equipment she needed, Maureen tried to be as quiet as she could knowing it had yet to turn eight and there were lots of people in this house who needed sleep. Meanwhile, Olivia had woken up and could hear the noises coming from the kitchen. Heading to the bathroom first, Olivia moved back to the bed and sat on Elliot's side facing him.

"El, honey, did you tell me Mo and Kat were here last night or did I imagine it?" she asked, needing to clarify things before she headed out.

"I did," he mumbled. "Came last night."

"Do you know why?" she asked, stroking his face, trying to keep his attention.

"Had some time," he murmured before he fell asleep once more.

Deciding to freshen up after the previous night's activities, Olivia showered quickly before dressing in a blue shorts and a tank top which was pulled tight over her bump. Feeling the coolness of the morning, she pulled on one of Elliot's white shirts and rolled up the sleeves.

Padding out towards the kitchen, she smiled when she saw Maureen with flour across the bench and her face.

"Hello, sweetheart," she said, moving around the kitchen bench to embrace her eldest stepdaughter. "I'm glad you came down for a few days."

"Hi, Liv, not a few days, just today," she replied, hugging her back.

"Can't you stay longer? The twins love it here and so will you," she asked, knowing a true family holiday would be ideal.

"Unfortunately not," Maureen replied. "I've got things to do tomorrow," she added, thinking of the furniture she'd be assembling.

"That's a shame, we'd all love to have you stay," Olivia said as she poured herself some orange juice.

"Maybe next time," she said, mixing the batter. "And ah... just so you know, the twins are coming back with us today."

"What?" Olivia spat, nearly choking on her juice. "Why?" She knew how much the twins loved this house, the thought of them leaving early meant only one thing, that they were still upset by the events of the day before.

"Look, Livvy," Maureen began, placing the bowl back on the counter. "They do love it here but we were talking last night and they sort of thought that it would be nice for you and dad to have some time here together."

"Yes, it would but I don't want them to feel they're in the way," she said quickly.

"They don't feel that way," Maureen said, and it wasn't really a lie. "It's just dad has his treatment next week, and when he's recovered from that there'll be the move and, by the time we're all settled in the new house, you'll be eight months pregnant and may not feel up to having a few days break and hopefully dad will be returning to work at sometime in there."

"True," Olivia said, more than happy to be having some one on one time with Elliot, something which hadn't happened since their honeymoon, especially if they made the trip to town and stocked up on condoms.

.

While Maureen created stacks of pancakes, bacon and scrambled eggs, Olivia started the wake up round so everyone could eat together. Lizzie and Kathleen came to the kitchen quickly, while Elliot wandered down a few minutes later, scratching his bare chest and wondering why he needed to get up at all. When everything was set out on the table, Olivia realised Dickie hadn't arrived.

"I'll go get him," Maureen offered as she saw Olivia heading that way.

Entering their bedroom, Maureen found her brother still sitting on the edge of the bed, his leg still red and inflamed.

"Looks like we'll be heading to the doctor before lunch," she said. "If you want, I can get you breakfast in bed but..."

"But then dad and Liv will know," he said, finishing her sentence.

"Yeah," Maureen said nodding. "So, do you want to try and get up?" she asked and helped him on with his sweat pants when he nodded.

.

As they made their way into the kitchen, Maureen pulled out Dickie's chair for him.

"Hello, sleepyhead," Elliot said, reaching for the plate of pancakes.

"Yeah, hi," Dickie mumbled, not quite ready to look him in the face, just yet.

"Are you feeling alright, Dickie?" Olivia asked, noting he seemed to be acting a bit differently.

"Fine, just tired," he answered, pouring a glass of orange juice.

"Are you sure, son?" Elliot asked, also concerned about his son's behaviour.

"I'm sure," he replied as Kathleen handed him the plate of eggs. "This looks good," he continued, hoping it would change the topic.

.

The plans for the day were going to be problematic and Maureen knew it. To make Kathleen and her trip to the house seem legitimate, they should stay until the afternoon and spend some time with their parents. However, to ensure Dickie's health, she knew they should get medical intervention as soon as possible. There had to be a compromise – someway they could achieve both. And then it struck her.

"I know we're still eating breakfast but I wouldn't mind having lunch in that little town where you guys got your hair cut – looks good by the way," she said, knowing it put them forty minutes closer to home.

"We could do that," said Olivia, realising they could do some essential shopping after they'd seen the kids off, it would save having to drive in there afterwards anyway.

"We can pack after breakfast and head there early," Lizzie offered, excited about seeing all the work done at the house.

"Who's packing?" Elliot asked, confused.

"Dickie and I," Lizzie said, as she took the last of the bacon.

"Why are you packing?" he asked, looking from one twin to the other.

"We're going home with Mo and Kat," she replied, munching away.

"Did you know about this, Liv?" he asked, looking at his wife.

"Maureen told me this morning," she replied. "The kids thought it would be nice for us to have a few days by ourselves before the treatment and move and advanced pregnancy."

"That would be nice," he said slowly, thinking of all the things they could do – some of which even meant moving from the bedroom. But then he thought better of it. "Are you sure?" he asked his twins, not wanting them to feel they had to go.

"Yeah, positive," Dickie said, more than happy to be in Manhattan.

"Well, only if you're sure," he said, smiling at the thought of some precious time with his beautiful wife.

**_Please don't forget to review!_**

**_Please read and review Death of a Child too._**

**_AN: Due to current circumstances, there will be a delay in updating this story. Probably won't be until the 1st of July, thereabouts._**


	48. Chapter 48

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

The morning was a whirlwind of activity as Maureen and Kathleen tried to make the trip seem like it was legitimate and not just that they were there to check up on everyone. As the twins packed, Olivia, Elliot and the older girls took a walk along the lake and chatted amiably as they went. As Maureen and Kathleen went to investigate a duck family making its way to the water's edge, Elliot and Olivia continued to stroll along hand in hand, seemingly without a care in the world.

"This is nice," Olivia said with a sigh, squeezing his hand.

"It is," Elliot agreed, lifting their joined hands to kiss hers.

"You know, this is the first time we've done this," she announced, smiling as the warmth of the sun caressed her face.

"I've held your hand before," he replied, stopping and turning her to face him.

"I know," she said, nodding.

"Then why'd you say..." he began but she interrupted.

"The first time we've just gone walking and holding hands and .... everything else," she said dreamily, leaning forward to kiss him.

"I guess it is," he agreed, mumbling into her mouth.

.

Seeing the situation, Kathleen pulled Maureen's arm and pointed to her parents.

"Seems like they're connecting just fine," she said smiling.

"So they are." Maureen agreed looking up. "Just like last..."

"Like last what?" Kathleen prompted.

"Promise you won't say anything?" she checked, looking between her sister and her parents who were still locked in their embrace.

"Sure," she replied and burst out laughing when her older sister revealed the 'connecting' Dickie had encountered. "Oh, god," she giggled. "That explains Dickie's distraction this morning."

"Yes, it does," Maureen said.

"I'm so glad we only got to see the vertical version," she replied laughing as Maureen tugged her back along the path and away from the loving couple, now locked in a deeper kiss.

.

Half an hour later, as the Stabler children sat around the kitchen counter drinking water and eating strawberries, Elliot and Olivia reappeared in the doorway.

"Where did you two get to?" Elliot asked his eldest children.

"We thought you could do with some privacy," Kathleen said, placing her glass in the dishwasher.

"We weren't that bad," he replied, shaking his head.

"Are we going to get moving?" Dickie asked, wanting to both change the topic and get started with the day's plans.

"Sure, son," Elliot replied, watching as Dickie moved from the bench. "Is your leg still giving you trouble?"

"Nah, it's fine," he lied, trying his best not to limp.

"It doesn't look fine to me," Olivia commented as she moved next to Elliot.

"It's fine, I'm fine. Can we drop it?" he snapped, heading to his room to collect his bag.

"What's wrong with your brother?" Elliot asked, turning to face the girls.

"Nothing, he's fine, he said he is," Kathleen replied, collecting the rest of the glasses.

"You don't expect us to believe that, do you?" Olivia asked. "I might just go and..."

"No!" Maureen answered quickly. "Look, there is something but he doesn't want to discuss it."

"What is it? Is it serious?" Elliot asked, now more concerned than ever.

.

For several moments Maureen considered her response; in the end there was only one way to get out of this situation.

"Dad, can I ... ah... talk to you for a moment?" she asked, looking apologetically at Olivia. "In there," she added, gesturing to the entertainment room.

"Can Liv come?" he asked, wondering why his wife was being excluded.

"Um, for Dickie's sake, can I just tell you and you can tell Liv later?" she asked.

"Go," Olivia said, with a nod. While she was hurt at the obvious exclusion, she knew Maureen wouldn't have done it without reason and Elliot would tell her anyway.

.

Trailing his daughter into the darkened room, Elliot switched on the light and stood in front of her with his arms crossed.

"What is it?" he asked impatiently.

"Dad, oh god..." She faltered, not knowing how exactly she should tell him. "Look, um..."

The look of discomfort on his daughter's face eased Elliot's impatience and he guided her to the sofa.

"What's going on?" he asked in a gentler manner.

"Dickie is a little embarrassed, actually a lot embarrassed, and just needs some time away from you and Livvy," she said quietly.

"Embarrassed? Why?" he questioned, this was not making sense to him.

"Um, well...can I just say he walked in on something last night and he..." she started to explain but stopped as the realisation hit her father.

"He saw us? Last night? In the bedroom?" he hissed, now very glad Olivia hadn't been invited into this conversation.

"Yeah, he's just mortified. Can't bear to look at you or Liv – it's every kid's nightmare, you know?" she said, trying to advocate for her brother.

"Oh shit," he whispered.

"Yeah," Maureen agreed nodding.

"This conversation can't be easy for you," Elliot commented.

"No, it's not," she replied with an embarrassed smile. "But I thought you should know before you demanded some answers from Dickie in a more public forum."

"I appreciate it," he said, nodding. "What the hell am I going to tell Liv?" he pondered out loud. She was already extremely hesitant about having sex with the kids in the house, if she knew her fears had been realised they may never have sex again.

"You could tell her the truth," Maureen observed but he shook his head. "Well, maybe you could tell her it was a male thing... something he was embarrassed for her to know about."

"I'll think of something," he said, standing up. "Does this mean everybody knows about last night?"

"Lizzie doesn't," she replied.

"Can we keep it that way?" he asked.

"Only if Dickie doesn't tell her," she answered.

.

The trip into town was a quiet one for Elliot and Olivia as the twins had jumped at the chance to travel with their sisters. Checking the rear view mirror, and finding Maureen's car still behind them, Elliot reached over and took Olivia's hand.

"So, what is it that Maureen couldn't say in front of me?" she asked quietly. She'd been waiting for Elliot to bring it up but fifteen minutes into the trip he hadn't said a word.

"Can we discuss this after the kids go?" he asked, looking at her hopefully.

"No," she replied firmly. "Did I do something wrong?" she asked quietly, the question nagging at her for the last hour.

"No, of course not," he said quickly, squeezing her hand.

"Then what is it?" she asked, pulling on his arm to get his attention.

"Seems Dickie is embarrassed by a ...um .... by..." he said before stalling.

"By what?" she asked, as she turned in her seat to watch him.

"By a... um dream he had last night," Elliot said, trying to give a version of the truth.

"What sort of dream?" she asked, concerned about her husband's reluctance to share.

"Ah, Liv," he started, before slowing to take a left hand turn. "It was a sexy dream...you know?"

"Aha," she said with a nod. "So, what does that have to do with me?"

"Let's just say you featured in it," he said, trying to give enough credence to Dickie's embarrassment and Maureen's exclusion of her.

"Oh!" she said, that explained a lot. "Poor kid."

"Yeah," Elliot agreed, knowing she'd let the topic drop now.

"I won't say anything," she added.

"Me either," he said with a nod.

And with that, the conversation was dropped.

.

Parking at the far end of the main street, Elliot climbed out of the car and waited for Olivia to come around to him as he watched Maureen pull up alongside them.

"Why are we all the way down here, dad?" Lizzie asked.

"Thought we'd check out the antique shop, see if there's anything suitable for the house... figured if we did we wouldn't have to go move the car," he replied and there was an element of truth in it. The fact that the grocery store, which carried some essential supplies, was located directly in front of them was just an added bonus.

Walking towards the shop, Kathleen led the way, opening the door and causing the attached little brass bell to jingle.

"You looking for anything in particular, Liv?" she asked, holding the door open for her family to pass by.

"No, just thought we'd see what was on offer," she replied. "There's just so much to do with the whole house, I feel tired thinking about it."

"Well, Livvy, we don't have to move in just yet," Elliot said, wrapping an arm around her waist. "We can wait til after Junior's born, or the New Year, or whenever," he added, kissing her head.

"No," she replied, shaking her head. "The sooner the better, but there's just so much to do."

"Well, when we get home we'll make a list and start on it as soon as I'm recovered from the treatment, okay?" he asked and she nodded, smiling.

Behind them the kids all exchanged knowing smiles and moved away before their giggles alerted their parents that something was amiss.

.

Strewn throughout the shop, the Stablers looked for things which interested them. Maureen and Kathleen found matching bedside lamps they thought would be perfect in their room, while Dickie lost himself in the baseball memorabilia. Lizzie was wandering through the various cribs and baby items when she saw Olivia stop by an elegantly framed oil painting of a country landscape.

"It's a nice picture, Liv," Elliot said, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.

"It's not nice, it's perfect," she said with a sigh, leaning her head on his shoulder.

"Is it?" he questioned, leaning forward to take a closer look.

"Yes, it is – it's peaceful and serene and the colours are beautiful and it's just... just..." Her voice faded to nothing.

"Perfect?" Elliot supplied for her and she nodded. "Then we should get it – it would look great... No?" he amended when he saw her shake her head. "Why not?"

"Because we have a zillion things to do before we worry about what artwork to put on the wall," she said, taking one last look before moving away.

Lizzie grinned; the plan forming quickly.

.

Over lunch the conversation was bright and breezy, no real mention was made of anything serious and the only reference to the house was Elliot asking Maureen to go over and check on it, if she had the time. When the bill had been paid, the family moved outside and slowly walked back to the cars. Lizzie had let Maureen in on the painting and they both thought they'd go into the shop once Olivia and Elliot had departed. Olivia and Elliot were waiting for the kids to leave before they headed into the grocery store. So, they were at a stalemate of sorts.

"The more I think about it, Kat, the more I think we should get those lamps, don't you?" Maureen asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Yeah, they were great," Kathleen agreed.

"Let's go see if we can negotiate the price and buy them," she continued and her sister nodded.  
"I'll come with you," Elliot said and the girls shook their head.

"No, that's okay," Kathleen replied. "Besides, Liv's looking tired, perhaps you should head home."

"Sounds like a good idea," he agreed. "If you're sure though."

"We're sure," Maureen said.

.

After hugs and farewells were exchanged, the younger Stablers headed into the antique shop while Elliot opened the passenger's door and Olivia climbed in.

"Aren't we forgetting something?" Olivia asked, nodding to the grocers.

"Definitely not," he said with a grin before kissing her nose. "You wait here and I'll go stock up. Any preferences?"

"I doubt there'll be a huge range," she replied. "Just get _enough_," she added with a seductive smile and Elliot took off at a great pace, knowing the sooner they left, the sooner other things would happen.

.

Stocked up and back on the road before the younger Stablers returned to their car, Elliot drove home happily, humming away as he went.

"You're in a good mood," Olivia observed, turning to look at him.

"No reason why I shouldn't be," he replied, winking at her. "We have four nights and three whole days by ourselves. I'm freaking ecstatic."

Olivia chuckled. "And do you have any plans for those nights and days?"

"Oh, one or two," he replied, chuckling himself.

"And what would they be?" she asked, wanting to hear the details.

"Well, you'll probably think this sounds sappy," he started, almost embarrassed, "But I just want to be with you."

"As in sex?" she asked with a raised eyebrow. "Because you know that's a given."

"No, not just sex, although that will be a highlight, but just _be_ with you, you know? Take a walk together or a swim, curl up with you on the sofa, maybe go for a picnic ... just be with you," he said shyly.

"Aww, honey, you are such a sweetheart," Olivia said, raising his hand and kissing it.

"Yeah, well, just don't tell the guys, I have a reputation to uphold," he said, trying to sound gruffer.

"Your secret's safe with me, El," she promised, kissing his hand once more.

.

Meanwhile, Maureen had purchased the lamps and the picture, which had been carefully loaded into the car and they were on the road back to Manhattan. The conversation started off bubbly as more plans for the house were discussed but stalled when Dickie fell asleep, exhausted by his infection and the lack of real sleep the night before. Realising it was her brother who was softly snoring; Maureen turned down the radio and glanced quickly in the rear view mirror to ensure he was still asleep.

"Okay, girls," she said in hushed tones. "This is the situation; Dickie's leg is infected again and..."

"That's why he's being a pain," Lizzie noted and neither sister argued with her.

"And..." Maureen continued, ignoring the comment. "And I'm going to take him to the hospital when we get into the city. So, what I think I should do is drop you two at the house, and then take him to Elmhurst again, okay?" Both girls nodded.

"He is going to be okay, isn't he, Mo?" Lizzie asked nervously, this was Dickie's third trip to the hospital with his leg and it scared her.

"Of course, Liz," she answered. "Some strong antibiotics and he'll be as good as new."

"I hope so," she replied.

With everything else going on in her life, she just couldn't contemplate anything bad happening to her twin.

**_Please don't forget to review!_**

**_Please read and review Death of a Child too._**


	49. Chapter 49

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

The quiet ride home along empty roads with the sun streaming through the window proved the perfect combination to send Olivia to sleep. Wondering why she hadn't answered his question Elliot glanced towards his wife to find her with her head against the window and her eyes closed, he smiled to himself – she needed all the rest she could get.

When he pulled up in the driveway, he turned off the ignition and climbed out before moving around to Olivia's side and opening the door; glad her head was now on the headrest.

"Hey, baby," he said gently as he caressed her face. "Time to wake up."

"Hmarfph, El-it," she mumbled as he leant across her and undid her seatbelt, grinning.

"Livvy, baby, we're home," he said a little louder, resting his palm on her face. "Wake up."

"Tsata not hmfh can sowt," she mumbled in reply.

"Olivia!" he called louder. "Olivia!" He patted her face and tried to rouse her, he knew it was unlike her to sleep so soundly.

"What?!" she said startled, as she sat bolt upright and their heads collided. "Ow! Shit! What the hell?!"

"Are you alright, Livia?" Elliot asked, rubbing his cheek with one hand while caressing her face to settle her.

"Yeah," she said with a nod. "What happened?"

"I tried to wake you gently and it didn't work. So I tried a bit harder and you startled, sorry," he apologised, investigating the red mark where her forehead connected with his cheek.

"Why are you waking me?" she asked before realising where she was. "Oh, we're back."

"Yeah, we are," he confirmed, moving backwards and helping her out. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, honey, I'm good, just a little disorientated. I don't normally sleep so deeply," she said, moving so he could close the door.

"I noticed," he said, retrieving his shopping from the backseat.

"Must be the pregnancy," she said, standing in front of him and tenderly touching the red mark on his cheek. "Did I just do this?" she asked and he nodded. "Sorry," she whispered, leaning in to kiss it gently.

.

Once in the house, Elliot moved to the control panel to reset the air conditioning. It was a zoned system and now as there were only two people in the house, he could turn off the air flow to the unused rooms. Sitting down at the kitchen bench, he waited for Olivia to return from the bathroom and, when she did, he was surprised to find her wearing a never before seen blue bikini, with tiny white starts and stripes, under his white shirt; he instantly started to salute.

"Wanna go for a swim?" she asked as his eyes raked up and down her body, the baby bump making him smile.

"Wasn't the first thing that came to mind," he replied, trying not to drool.

"And what was that?" she asked, padding over to him and removing his shirt for him.

"Well, it was something hotter and to do with my wife, our bed and something I picked up in town," he answered as she trailed kisses from his temple, down his jaw, before stopping at his mouth.

"I think I like your suggestion better – something hot first, and then we can go cool off in the water," she said, her fingers moving to unbutton his shorts.

"Oh, that's great compromise," he said, nodding enthusiastically, standing up and letting his shorts drop to the floor.

"Well, grab that bag," she said, gesturing to the counter. "And come with me."

.

Ever so dutiful, Elliot did exactly as he was told and followed his wife into their bedroom, nearly salivating as the white shirt she'd been wearing hit the floor. It took very little effort for Olivia to divest herself of her bikini as Elliot shucked off his boxers. Turning at the bed, Olivia paused to study her husband's naked form. He was still losing weight but, at this time, all she could see was the man who had occupied her bed for the past six and a half months and her dreams for the best part of the last decade.

"Like what you see?" he asked proudly, as her brown eyes skimmed his body.

"Um," she said with a pout, causing him great concern.

"What?" he asked, studying her creased brow.

"It's nice and all," she said, gesturing to his body.

"Nice?" he nearly choked; he knew he was well endowed and nice was a word she had never used to describe him before.

"Yeah, but I'd like to see you, ah, I'd prefer to see you _dressed _for the occasion," she said, grinning at him as she took the bag from his hand and upended the contents on their bed.

.

With her eyes widening at his purchases, Elliot padded across to her and wrapped his arms around her from behind.

"Is there a problem?" he asked, trailing kisses down her neck and across her shoulder.

"You bought eight boxes," she said in hushed tones. "That's ninety six condoms."

"Well, it's one of each type they had," he replied, paying equal attention to her other shoulder.

"But ninety six," she repeated, picking up the closest box which announced its contents were ribbed for her pleasure.

"We don't have to use them all, Livia," he said, turning her in his arms before taking the box and opening it.

"I was just wondering whether it was_ enough_," she said, winking at him before kissing him so deeply he could feel his toes start to curl and other parts spring into action.

It was a minute or so later, Elliot pulled back from the kiss.

"Ah, Livia, Liv, baby, I think you need to let me get _dressed_ before things progress further," he said, taking a foil package from the box.

"Oh, alright," she sassed as she caressed his face. "If you insist."

.

Once Elliot was adequately prepared for their encounter, Olivia moved forward and picked up the kiss right where she'd left off. As Elliot tried to manoeuvre them back onto the bed, Olivia just moaned and stayed put.

"Ah, Liv, you wanna help me out?" he asked, nodding towards the bed and he was surprised when she shook her head. "No?"

"No," she agreed, trying to continue the kiss.

"Livia?" he questioned, pulling back. "What's going on?" he asked, looking at the tension in her face. Without responding, Olivia dropped her head to his shoulder as his hands stroked her back. "Babe?"

"I'm sorry," she mumbled into his shoulder.

"For what?" he replied, hooking his finger under her chin and drawing it up to him.

"I'm gonna come," she whispered embarrassed, trying to duck her head once more.

"I hope so," he replied, kissing her forehead.

"I mean now. I'm so close that if we move, I'll be screaming your name before we hit the sheets," she said, chancing a glance at him.

"That's more than okay," he reassured her, caressing his face.

"But we haven't even started," she replied. "I want to wait for you."

"You don't have to," he said, kissing her once more. "Come for me now and then we can make love," he whispered, before sucking on her neck.

"But I want you to do it for me," she whispered in reply.

"I did do it for you, baby," he replied. "I'm the one who got you in this state," he said proudly as his hand moved to caress her breast.

"I think it's more the pregnancy hormones," she whimpered as he dipped his head to run his tongue around her nipple.

"Yeah, well, I did that too," he announced before lifting her up. The friction between their bodies was too much for Olivia and before Elliot's tongue got to move to her other breast Olivia's legs were wrapped around him chanting his name.

.

The younger Stablers had arrived at the house and the girls went in as Dickie remained sleeping in the back seat. Lizzie was amazed by the difference in the time she'd been away as she placed the painting they had purchased against the wall.

"It's looking great," she enthused. "And this painting will be perfect on this wall," she said, pointing to the feature wall.

"Yes, it will," agreed Maureen. "Okay, Casey will be here in an hour or so, she has her own key. She said there's just a bit more to do on the nursery mural but, remember, you're not to peek – we promised."

"Yes, Mo," the girls answered in unison.

"Don said he'd call in if he had a chance, there was something he needed to measure," she announced, heading back to the door.

"You'll call when you know about Dickie, won't you?" Lizzie asked, following Maureen to the door.

"Of course, kiddo," she replied, giving her sister a quick hug.

While Kathleen and Lizzie busied themselves at the house, Maureen continued the drive to Elmhurst Medical Centre, hoping as she went that this time Dickie's problem with his leg would be resolved once and for all. Pulling the car into the ten minute drop-off bay, Maureen went to the back of the car and opened the door.

"Come on, Dickie," she said, shaking his arm. "Time to get out."

"We home?" he asked, as he forced his eyes opened.

"We're at the hospital," she replied, unlatching his seatbelt.

"Where are Liz and Kat?" he asked, scanning the car.

"At the house," she explained. "You didn't wake when we got there so I let you sleep."

The waiting room was nearly full as they entered the emergency room and Maureen groaned; it was going to be a long night. After registering with the triage nurse, and giving all Dickie's details, she went and moved the car before coming back to Dickie. Then they sat in the hard red plastic chairs and waited. Anticipating another endless session, Maureen stood to go to the vending machine when Dickie's name was called. Not arguing with their luck to be seen so early, Maureen helped her brother in to the cubicle and onto the bed.

"Hello there," said a young woman in a white lab coat, coming into them. "My name is Dana McGill, what seems to be the problem today?"

As Dickie explained, the doctor checked his leg and made notes in his file. The diagnosis was Osteomyelitis and Dickie shook his head.

"Does that mean I have to stay overnight again?" he asked and prepared himself for the response.

"Yes, it looks like it," replied Dr McGill. "We'll repeat the IV antibiotics and should be able to discharge you in the morning."

"Will this keep happening?" asked Maureen, knowing Dickie was worried about it too.

"It shouldn't, but as this is the second time, I'm going to order blood tests and we'll do an ultrasound to ensure there's nothing amiss happening in there," she answered, making further notes in his files.

"What happens if it does happen again?" Dickie asked, needing to know just how this was going to affect his football comeback plans.

"Most likely, your orthopaedic surgeon would recommend surgery..." Dr McGill started to explain.

"More surgery?" Dickie interrupted. "No way!"

"Dickie," Maureen said, rubbing his back. "She's not saying it will happen; only that it might."

"That's right," the doctor continued. "If the infection recurs then surgery may be indicated. It would be important to remove the infected part or parts to allow for healthy bone and muscle to regenerate."

"You'd remove the bone?" he asked, eyes wide open and startled.

"No, no," Dr McGill reassured him. "Just a part of it, _if _it was infected, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. The first step is to treat today's problem and see if this dose of antibiotics can eliminate the infection altogether."

.

After the doctor left them alone while waiting for the drugs to be organised, Dickie lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. For a few minutes Maureen let him be before taking his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Anything I can do for you?" she asked, as her other hand came to rest on his head.

"No," he answered quietly while shaking his head.

"You okay?" she asked, already knowing the answer by the look in his eyes.

"Yeah," he lied. He felt far from okay; he felt sick, he felt tired, he felt scared – feeling okay was way down the list.

"You know this course of antibiotics might fix it all up and you'll be as good as new in a couple of weeks," she soothed as she stroked his head.

"Yeah, or they could operate and cut bits out and I won't play football at all next season," he grumbled, closing his eyes so his sister wouldn't see his tears. The last few days had sucked big time for him.

"Want me to give you a few minutes?" she asked quietly and when he nodded, she kissed his forehead and slipped out of the cubicle.

.

With her cell phone switched off, due to hospital policy, Maureen leaned on the corridor wall, next to the door for the staff lunch room, waiting for the public phone. As she did, she heard two nurses in the room chatting and at first it was just background noise to her. Then their conversation changed and Maureen stood straight and listened intently to every word.

"God, I don't know who she thinks she is," grumbled the first one.

"I know, she's always pushing her weight around. See what she did before?" asked the second one.

"No, what, Carla?" questioned the first one.

"That kid was only in the waiting room for fifteen minutes at most and she pushed him to the top of the line. It's only a leg infection but no, the Stabler kid had to get in quickly," explained Carla in a tone which clearly indicated her displeasure.

"Does she know the kid?" asked the other nurse.

"She must, Toni – I watched her as he walked in and she looked startled," answered Carla.

"Is it her kid?" Toni asked as their voices came closer.

"Don't know. Don't know much about her," replied Carla, walking out of the lunch room and past Maureen.

"Well, I know enough about Kathy Ryan to know I don't like her," hissed Toni, walking out behind her colleague.

Kathy Ryan... Ryan...that was her mother's maiden name. The only time she'd heard her mother referred to as Kathy Ryan was when she was seventeen and out shopping with her mother for a prom dress. After visiting countless stores, they went into a smaller boutique and a very elegantly dressed woman had come running at them, exclaiming 'Kathy Ryan! Kathy Ryan!" It was a friend of her mother's from junior high and not only did they end up having lunch together, Maureen got the dress of her dreams at the most unbelievable price.

She shook her head. Kathy Ryan. It meant only one thing; her mother was here, in this hospital. Maureen didn't want to know what it meant. Having not seen or spoke to her mother in weeks, Maureen really didn't want their reunion to be in this place and didn't want to put Dickie through anything more.


	50. Chapter 50

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

With the sun streaming through the open curtains and the breeze making them dance where they hung, Elliot opened his eyes as his wife moved to climb on top of him once more.

"Round four?" he asked as she leant down to suck on his neck.

"Would be nice," she mumbled around his flesh. "But I think we should go for a swim first."

"A swim now?" he groaned as she rocked her body on his and started things once more.

"Aha!" she moaned as his hands ran down her back and began to gently knead her butt.

"Then you need to stop doing that," he cautioned, holding her flat against him to stop her movements.

"But it's fun," she sassed, trying to move against his firm grasp.

"Oh, I agree," he said, grinning. "But you shouldn't start what you can't finish."

"Oh, I can finish it," she confirmed, pulling away his hands and writhing down his body.

.

On her knees, between his legs, Olivia reached out to take his hardened length but Elliot's hand caught her wrist.

"No manual work today," he said. "Automatic all the way."

"In that case..." she said, before pausing to reach over to the bedside table to grab another condom. "The least I can do is to get you ready."

"Go ahead," he said with a grin and folded his hands behind his head, lest he tried to start things before she was ready.

With the clear Rough Rider condom on and the packet discarded somewhere over her shoulder, Olivia leaned back on her feet.

"Do you know how gorgeous you are?" she asked, as her hands rubbed his legs.

"Nowhere near as gorgeous as you," he replied, reaching out for her.

"You think I'm gorgeous?" she asked as she crawled back over him before resting on all fours above him.

"Absolutely," he replied, pushing up to kiss her but she pouted and he dropped back onto the pillow. "You don't want me to think that?" he asked, his hands threading around her neck and holding her in place. She shook her head. "What do you want me to think?"

"I..." she began before dipping down to kiss him, "want you..." she kissed him again, "to think that I'm..." she kissed him a third time, "to think I am hot and sexy and dirty," she cooed.

"Oh," he replied, almost drooling at the image that created. "If you want me to think that you'll have to show me."

"And how should I do that?" she asked, shyly, straddling his stomach.

"Use your imagination," he hissed as she gently rocked on him.

"Okay," she replied in a low sultry voice. "But if I'm naughty you have to promise to spank me."

"Aha," he groaned, nearly losing it there and then.

.

Meanwhile, Kathleen had answered her cell to find Maureen on the line.

"How's Dickie?" she asked.

"Not great, it is infected again – osteomyelitis. They're going to run some blood tests and do a scan and see what's happening," Maureen reported.

"Is he staying in tonight?" Kathleen queried.

"Yeah, for the IV antibiotics and to wait for the lab results," she replied with a deep sigh.

"You okay, Mo?" she asked, concerned about her sister's tone.

"Yeah, just tired. Dickie's a bit freaked as the doctor mentioned surgery and removing some of the bone but it's only of it keeps recurring," she answered, the news about her mother could wait til later. "What's happening there?"

"Casey came about an hour ago," Kathleen reported. "She's up in the nursery now. Don's up there too and Fin and Lizzie went to pick up something for dinner. Are you coming here because Fin said he could drop us off in Manhattan in a couple of hours?"

"Might be for the best," Maureen replied, trying to stifle a yawn. "Dickie says he's fine but he's not. I'm not sure if he'll want me to stay here tonight or not."

"Okay, you just do what you have to and I'll get Fin to drop us home," she said. "You give Dickie our love and call us and let us know what's happening."

"Will do," she replied.

.

As Kathleen pocketed her cell, Casey padded down the stairs, blue paint speckling her face.

"Everything alright?" she asked as she studied Kathleen's face.

"Yeah, it was Mo, looks like Dickie's in for the night again and he's a bit stressed," she reported, sitting down on the bottom step.

"And is Mo okay?" Casey asked, sitting alongside her.

"Yeah, tired," Kathleen said. "But I think she's worried more than anything."

Casey wrapped her arm around Kathleen and hugged her close.

"You guys are going through a lot right now, aren't you?" she asked as she rested her head on Kathleen's.

"Yep," she said, sighing deeply and Casey could hear the tears in that one word.

For a while longer they sat in silence until they heard Fin's car pull up in the driveway. Kathleen took a deep breath and stood up, for Lizzie's sake she wasn't going to make things worse.

.

By the time Maureen saw Dickie again, he had been moved to the short stay ward and the IV was running. Watching him for a few minutes, Maureen noted how young he looked and wondered whether it was unfair to let him go through this without a parent present.

"I'm okay," he said quietly bringing her out of her thoughts.

"I know," she agreed, coming to sit beside him.

"What time is it?" he asked with a yawn.

"Nearly nine," she replied, not checking her watch.

"Why are you still here?" he asked as she picked up his hand.

"Because I didn't want you to be alone," she answered and he squeezed her hand.

"I'm okay," he repeated. "Go home and eat and sleep and then tomorrow we can go to the house and put the furniture together."

"You sound more positive than earlier," she remarked.

"Yeah, I think the drugs are kicking in. I'm starting to feel better," Dickie answered, with a yawn.

"Are you sure you're alright with me going?" she asked, standing up once more.

"Yeah," he replied, stifling a yawn.

"Call me if you need anything or just want me to come back," she said, kissing his head.

"Yeah, I will."

.

Maureen had nearly made it through the hospital foyer before she heard her name being called; she took a deep breath and turned slowly.

"Hi, mom," she said, trying to keep her tone even.

"Hi, Maureen," Kathy said, coming to stand in front of her. "How's your brother?"

"He has another infection and has to stay in again," she reported, clasping her hands in front of her.

"Yes, I know," she replied. "I read his file. How's he coping with it?"

"Better now the drugs have kicked in, he's just tired," she said, trying not to yawn herself.

"You look tired too," Kathy said, her fingers pushing back strands of Maureen's hair which had fallen across her face.

"I am," she replied. "It's been a long day."

"Where's your dad and Olivia?" she asked, wondering why it was Maureen at the hospital.

"They're at the lake," she replied, not wanting to give too much information but not wanting to be rude either.

"That's nice for them," Kathy replied and Maureen rolled her eyes at her tone.

"If you must know," Maureen began sharply. "They took the twins away for a short vacation before dad's last treatment begins and Dickie called me to come pick him up because his leg was sore. They know nothing about it."

"I'm sorry, Maureen, I didn't mean anything by it," Kathy apologised, walking after Maureen as she headed to the doors.

"Sure," she said, stopping before the entrance.

"I didn't, Mo, honestly," Kathy protested. "I really think it is nice for them to get a few days away."

.

After a few uneasy moments, Maureen looked at her watched and sighed.

"I'm sorry, mom, it's late. I need to go," she said before taking a step away.

"Maureen, wait," she said, reaching out and touching her arm. "Are we ever going to get past all this mess?"

"Honestly, mom, I have no idea," she replied.

"Do you think it's too late for us to fix it?" Kathy asked, rubbing Maureen's arm.

"You're the one who screwed things up, mom. You're the one who has to fix things?" Maureen answered sadly.

"It wasn't all my fault," Kathy said, taken somewhat aback.

"No?" asked Maureen sarcastically. "Who was it that was mean to Liv and told her dad only had pity sex with her?"

"Me, but..." she began to protest.

"And who knew Liv and Fin were fine but let dad think she was dead?" she continued in a low voice.

"It wasn't like..." she tried to protest again.

"And who was responsible for Olivia's 'negative' pregnancy results when it was actually positive?" Maureen spat, tired and frustrated with everything.

"I didn't do that, Amanda did..." she tried to explain.

"Even if that was the case, you knew..."Maureen yelled.

"Maureen, keep your voice down," Kathy said as they drew stares from passersby.

"Fine," she hissed before she turned to storm out.

"Maureen, wait," she said, grabbing her daughter's arm once more. This was not the way she wanted this encounter to go. "I'm sorry, Mo, really sorry, about everything."

"Sure," Maureen replied with a deep sigh. "So sorry about everything you didn't even call the twins for their birthday."

"I did!" she responded sharply. "I left messages for them on the answering machine at the apartment. I tried their cells but they were out of range."

Not wanting to argue anymore Maureen just shook her head, "I have to go," she replied and headed through the gap as the automatic doors opened; the cooler evening breeze providing a welcome relief from the stifling heat of the hospital and her heated exchange with her mother.

.

She was half way across the car park before she felt a hand on her arm once more pulling her back and she shrugged violently.

"Sorry, Maureen, I called your name, you didn't seem to hear," Don said, his hand still hovering in midair. "You were right in front of that car." He gestured to the car speeding through the car park.

Seeing the man in front of her whom she had started to consider as a grandfather figure Maureen burst into tears and threw herself at him. Hesitantly, Don embraced her and rubbed her back.

"What happened, Maureen? Is Dickie okay?" he asked when she pulled back wiping her face with the heel of her hand.

"Dickie's doing okay. He's feeling better now the antibiotics have kicked in," she answered, before taking a few deep breaths.

"So, what's got you into this state?" he asked, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

"I was just speaking to mom, she's working in there," Maureen said tearfully nodding towards the building.

Don sighed deeply; Typhoid Mary had nothing on the chaos and pain Kathy was inflicting on those around her.

.

Maureen protested that she was fine to drive but Don was hearing none of it as the young woman fought to keep her composure. In the end, Don swapped their belongings to his car, drove her back to Manhattan and made plans to pick her up in the morning and return her to the hospital so she could pick up her brother and car. She'd only been back in the apartment a few minutes before Fin and the girls returned, Lizzie carrying Chinese takeout with her for Maureen's dinner.

"Didn't think you would have eaten," Lizzie said, handing the bag over to her sister.

"Yeah, thanks," she said, taking the bag. "I haven't."

"Well, you sit down here," Lizzie said, gesturing to the sofa. "I'll go get you a drink."

"And I'll just take the bags into the bedroom," added Kathleen, picking up the bags Don had deposited just inside the doorway.

As the girls exited the room, Fin sat alongside Maureen and watched as she stared at the bag.

"You okay, Mo?" he asked, opening the bag for her.

"Ah, yeah," she said, with a deep sigh.

"Don phoned, told me about your encounter. You doing okay about that?" he asked, pulling out the box of noodles and handing it to her.

"Yeah, I should have handled it better. I guess I'm just a little tired and overwhelmed by everything lately – you know, with the house, and Dickie and trying to do so much for Liv and dad...and..." She put the box back onto the coffee table before slumping back into the sofa.

"You feeling alright, Mo?" Lizzie asked, placing the glass in front of her.

"Yeah, I am, kiddo," she said, "Just feeling a little tired."

"I'm not surprised. You've worked so hard on the house – it looks amazing," she enthused, dropping into the armchair.

"It is coming together well," she said with a weary smile. "And after the bedroom furniture is delivered tomorrow, and the downstairs stuff is delivered on Wednesday, we can move some of the stuff from here Thursday and do all the final stuff Friday morning before dad and Liv come home."

"God, I'm tired just thinking about it," Lizzie said, as Kathleen returned and sat on the arm of the sofa, near her sister.

"So am I," Kathleen added. "But it's for a good cause."

"It certainly is," agreed Fin. "And Don's given me Thursday off so I'll be there first thing and I've enlisted the help of Ken and a few of his friends, so you supply lunch and everything should be set by dinner time."

.

When Fin left, Kathleen went to have a shower, while Maureen called the hospital on her cell to check on her brother. The news was as she'd expected – he was comfortable and improving. Taking the remnants of her dinner to the kitchen, she found Lizzie sitting in the breakfast bar stool staring at the answering machine and she instantly knew what she'd heard.

"What's up, Liz?" she asked anyway.

"Ah, mom left a message for our birthday," she said, pointing at the device. "So, she didn't ignore us as we thought."

"No, she didn't," Maureen agreed.

"It's never gonna be the same, is it?" she asked sadly, standing up.

"No, it's not," she agreed, moving around the bench to hug her youngest sister.

"I wish I knew everything was going to be alright with dad, and with Dickie and with Liv and Junior and..." Her voice trailed as her eyes welled up.

"And what, Liz?" Maureen prompted, rubbing her sister's back.

"And with mom. I mean I know I don't like her for what she did but I don't want to lose her completely and I don't want anything to do with her – and I know that sounds so screwy, but it's how I feel," she said with a deep sigh.

"I know, honey, I know. I feel the same way."

.

Meanwhile, Elliot and Olivia had finally gotten their swim in the late afternoon as the sun sunk low in the clear blue sky. After enjoying a picnic dinner on the banks of the lake, they sat entwined and watched the majestic colours streak the sky as the sun set on the horizon. Little was said, but every now and then Elliot pressed gentle kisses upon her head as her hand gently ran up and down his arm.

When the night air became too cool, they packed up their hamper and blanket and slowly ambled hand in hand back to the house. Once inside, Olivia had a shower to warm up and change while Elliot went into the kitchen. Remerging in pink sweats, Olivia found her husband putting the final touches onto dessert.

"Is that what I think it is?" she asked padding around the bench to him.

"Most certainly is," he said proudly, pushing the plate in front of her. "Freshly baked double choc brownies with whipped cream."

"You made these just now?" she asked, her eyes widening.

"I did," he said, gesturing for her to take one.

.

After a single bite, Olivia knew that if she didn't already love this man his brownies would have done the trick.

"You like?" he asked as she took another bite.

"Mmmha," she agreed, not able to speak with her mouth full.

"I'll take that as a yes," he said with a grin.

"Oh, it's a yes, most definitely," she agreed enthusiastically.

"Well, how about you take the plate and cream out to the patio and I'll grab the drinks. Ice cold milk, wasn't it?" he asked, recalling their conversation after their picnic dinner. He had kissed her deeply and told her it was a perfect day, his wife had kissed him back and said the only thing that would make it better would be ice cold milk, warm double chocolate brownies and whipped cream.

Picking up the plate of brownies, Olivia lifted it and inhaled the fresh baked smell, before heading to the door.

"You forgot the cream, Liv," he called as she slid the door open.

"That was never for the brownies, babe," she replied with a wink. "It's for when we go to bed later on."

Elliot grinned widely; he knew he couldn't have been happier at this moment if he tried.

**AN: Whoo Hoo chapter 50 - surprises the hell out of me. Thanks for all your support and ongoing commitment to this story. We are definitely on the home straight, won't be long now.**


	51. Chapter 51

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

Midmorning Friday, Maureen sat on the kitchen floor on the new house and filled the cupboards with the freshly washed new dinner set Kathleen had purchased as Kathleen put away the groceries she'd also picked up.

"Didn't realise it was so expensive to feed a family," she grumbled good naturedly as she emptied half the case of soda cans into the fridge.

"I know," agreed Maureen. "God knows where they find the money."

"Mo," called Lizzie coming into the kitchen. "Dickie didn't take his antibiotics with breakfast, he wants to know should he take them now or wait for lunch."

Maureen looked up at the clock, before looking at her sister.

"Well, we probably won't have lunch til after one, so he can have them now," she said, pointing to the box on the counter. "How's he feeling?"

"He says he's bored silly and wants to do something more than check out all the channels on the flat screen," Lizzie reported.

"'Bored silly'?" questioned Kathleen, her brother had never used the term in his life.

"Well, actually he said, 'this is bullshit, I should be able to at least move from this fucking sofa'," she repeated and the girls laughed.

"Ooh, I think our brother is not at all happy with me enforcing the doctor's strict rest instruction," Maureen said, getting up off the floor. "I'll take them in," she said picking up his medication.

.

As the younger girls finished off in the kitchen, Maureen went into the living room and handed Dickie the tablets and bottle of water.

"I hear you're getting a bit bored," she said, sitting down next to him.

"Yes," he grumbled, popping the pills into his mouth before taking a swig of water.

"You know why you have to do this, don't you?" she questioned, taking the box back.

"Yeah, yeah," he said, "but it doesn't mean I have to like it."

"No, it doesn't," she agreed, going to rub her hand on his very short spiky hair before he pulled back violently.

"What's up?" she asked, knowing he hadn't been himself since she'd picked him up from the hospital Tuesday morning.

"Nothing," he hissed and Maureen shook her head. It was the same response she'd gotten all week.

"Well, if you want to talk, just yell out," she said, slowly standing up and rubbing her back.

"You okay, Mo?" he asked as she grimaced.

"Yeah, think I pulled something yesterday moving the armchair," she said.

"Should have let me help you," he said sarcastically.

"Dickie, not again...we've had this discussion," she said with a deep sigh, tired of the repetitive conversation this week and physically tired of the effort it had taken to get the house to this stage.

"Sorry, Mo," he apologised sincerely. He didn't want to make things harder for his sister, especially after everything she'd done for him and their family. He was just pissed and she was the easiest target.

"Wanna tell me now?" she asked, coming back to him.

.

It took him a few moments but he nodded before taking a breath and telling her the truth.

"Mom stayed with me the other night at the hospital," he reported, not looking at his sister. "At first when I woke up and she was there I thought it was a dream – but it wasn't." He looked up and Maureen but she said nothing. "I didn't really want her there but I never asked her to go either. She was talking to me and I didn't say much and she just kept saying she was sorry it had all happened and in the morning when she had to go, she kissed me and told me she loved me and I told her I loved her too...and I feel like shit because I love dad and Livvy too and she was such a bitch to them and I hate her for it."

.

Maureen sat beside him and wrapped her arm around his shoulders.

"Is that what this mood's been about? That you feel guilty?" she asked and he nodded, his blue eyes filling with tears.

"I don't want dad and Liv to think I've betrayed them," he said quietly.

"They won't," said Kathleen coming from behind and surprising them both. "Dad and Livvy are pretty understanding; I should know," she said, sitting on the arm of the sofa and rubbing his back.

"But what if they think I like her more? I don't you know. I don't want to go back and live there or anything, even though mom said I could and that she'd be able to take care of me and my leg, and it would help me get back to football quicker," he said and Maureen sighed, trust her mother to use his injury as bargaining chip.

"If you want to live with mom, dad and Liv would be okay about it," Maureen reassured him.

"Would you move back too?" he asked looking up at Lizzie who was standing in the doorway, she shook her head. He had his answer, if Lizzie wouldn't go, neither would he. He didn't have much in this world but he had his twin and that was enough for him.

.

Meanwhile, Elliot had finally climbed out of bed midmorning, fully satisfied and exhausted by their marathon effort the night before. Finding his wife dressed in denim shorts and leaning into the fridge, Elliot was surprised by his ability to respond to her.

"You're staring," she said, without looking around.

"Yep," he said with a grin.

She bent down a little more than necessary to ensure the fabric was pulled taut and smiled when she heard a very familiar groan.

.

Turning slowly before she stood up so Elliot had a clear view of her unrestrained cleavage; Olivia stepped towards him and slowly rubbed her hands over his bare chest.

"Good morning, Elliot," she cooed pushing up on her toes to place a gentle kiss on his lips. Already aroused, Elliot placed his hand on the back of her neck and pulled her to him, changing the kiss from gentle to deep. Olivia's hands slid around to his back as she pulled herself flush against him, not able to ignore his obvious desire for her. Hoisting her leg up and around his hip, Elliot groaned at the friction created by the denim and instantly tried to pull back, to avoid things happening too soon for them.

"Didn't think we'd be doing this again quite so soon," Olivia said between placing kisses down his neck.

"Me neither," he agreed, as he pulled her other leg up and headed them towards the bedroom once more.

"Good thing we left changing the sheets til last," she observed, as they moved into the room.

"Very good thing," he agreed, as he lay her on the bed.

"You know we'll have to get going soon," Olivia said as he undid her shorts and tugged them down her long legs.

"Yeah, especially since Mo wants us to stop by the house," he said, as she sat up so he could remove her tank top and bra.

"Did she say what was wrong?" Olivia asked as she divested him of his boxers.

"No, but just that we were needed as early in the afternoon as possible," he reported, grabbing a condom from the side table.

"Well, in that case, we'd better get on with it," she said, raising an eyebrow. "I want to come at least twice before you think about getting dressed."

.

Just before one Elliot's car pulled up in the driveway of the new house behind Maureen's.

"Looks like Mo has been doing some gardening," Elliot observed as he helped his wife from the car.

"Well, that's one thing off our list," Olivia said, closing the car door behind her. "Just leaves the other 173."

Elliot laughed. "We don't have to do everything at once, babe," he said, wrapping his arm around her waist. "We'll just call it a work in progress."

.

Having given their keys to Maureen while they were away, Elliot pressed the doorbell and smiled when Olivia wrapped her arms around him and sighed deeply as she rested her head on his chest.

"Happy?" he asked, kissing her head.

"Extremely," she replied, rolling her head back so he could kiss her.

"Hello, dad, Liv," Maureen said enthusiastically, throwing the door open before hugging them both.

"Hi, Mo," Olivia replied, hugging her back, wondering what she had to be excited over. Before she could ask, she looked over Maureen's shoulder and saw the house. "Oh, my god!" she exclaimed, her hand flying up to cover her mouth. At first, Elliot wasn't sure what was going on as his wife stood frozen.

"Liv, baby, what's wrong?" he asked, trying to get her to look at him. She mumbled something at him and gestured to the house and when Elliot looked up and saw the changes for himself, he was just as surprised.

"Surprise!" Maureen exclaimed, grinning, moving aside and tugging his father's arm so he would come in.

"Surprise!" echoed the other three, the girls coming up to the door behind their sister, Dickie from his place on the sofa.

"Oh, my god," repeated Olivia as Elliot slipped his hand into hers and walked into the living room.

.

It took a few moments before it all sunk in for Olivia; the colour scheme and furniture they'd picked, the photos scattered around the room; their wedding one hanging on a nearby wall.

"Are you okay with this, Liv?" Maureen asked quietly as she wrapped her arm around her stepmother's waist as Olivia stood staring at the painting above the fireplace.

"Yeah, definitely," she said, turning to face her eldest stepdaughter. "It's just amazing – it's just... just perfect. I...I...just can't believe it," she said, as her eyes scanned the living room once more. "Everything's just as I imagined it would be – except better."

"Thank goodness," Maureen said, squeezing her. "I thought it was something we could do for you and dad but then I thought maybe you'd be annoyed we just went ahead and did it."

"Oh no, I'm not annoyed, at all," she said, kissing Maureen's head. "I'm very pleased and relieved actually... and now that this area is all done, we can start on the other rooms."  
"Well, actually, Liv, dad," Kathleen said, "We did the lot."

"The lot," Elliot echoed. "As in the whole house?"

"Yeah," she said, nodding. "Everything's done except the garage and basement."

"The whole house," Olivia echoed.

"Yeah," Maureen reiterated. "We used all the colours you had planned on and Casey has worked on the nursery all week – but we haven't seen it yet. Only Casey and Don have been in there. Casey said not to go in until she could get here – probably about seven."

.

Elliot moved to hug and thank each of his daughters before moving to his son, who hadn't moved from the sofa. Seeing his father head his way, Dickie stood up and stepped gingerly towards him and it didn't take a detective to figure out all was not well.

"What's up with your leg, son?" he asked, wrapping his arm around his shoulders.

"It's infected again," he said as Olivia walked towards them.

"Should we get you to the doctor?" Olivia asked, rubbing his arm.

"No, he's already been," Lizzie answered. "He had to stay in Monday night and ..."

"So it was hurting you before you left Monday?" Elliot interjected.

"Yeah, but I didn't want to ruin things for you guys, so I only told Mo when she got there," he admitted, looking sheepishly at his parents.

"How's everything now?" Elliot asked, guiding him back to the sofa.

"It's getting there. Gotta take the antibiotics for another ten days and then go back for a check up," he reported, sitting back down.

"And he has to rest," Lizzie added. "And if he is walking around he has to use his crutches, until he goes back again."

"Liz!" Dickie growled, not wanting them to know everything.

"Well, it's true," she retorted, not caring about anything but him doing all the right things to get better.

Wanting to diffuse the situation so it didn't spoil Elliot and Olivia's homecoming, Maureen intervened.

"How about you see the rest of the house?" she suggested, gesturing behind her.

.

Each room drew an enthusiastic response and Maureen was thrilled by the joy she saw on both their faces. After the living areas downstairs were investigated, all except Dickie headed up to the sleeping areas. After checking out the children's rooms, Kathleen opened the door to the master bedroom and Olivia gasped.

"This is amazing, girls," Elliot said, wrapping his arms around his wife as she stood in awe of the picture perfect bedroom, that type that she had only ever dreamed of.

"You really like it?" asked Lizzie, bounding in the room behind them.

"I really do," Olivia said breathlessly as the first of her tears started.

"Hey, hey," Elliot soothed, turning her in his arms. "Happy tears?"

"Aha," she replied with a sniffle, resting her head on his chest.

"We, ah, we might give you a few minutes," Maureen said, ushering her sisters out.

.

When the door closed behind them, Olivia hooked her arms around her husband's neck and held on tightly. Rubbing her back gently, Elliot kissed her head repeatedly before raising her face and kissing her nose.

"What are you thinking?" he asked, using his thumb to wipe away her tears.

"Of all the places I've lived, this is my first home," she whispered as more tears fell. "It's just incredible."

"You're incredible," he whispered, kissing away her tears.

"I was feeling overwhelmed by everything we had to do – but that list of 174 is now down to about five," she said, holding him tightly.

"And what are those five things?" he asked quietly, swaying with her in the middle of their elegant bedroom.

"Well, sort out the things from the apartment, Mo said the basement and garage need to be done..." she said, before biting down on her bottom lip.

"What are the other two?" he asked, caressing her face. She laughed softly, before dropping her head. "What are they, Livia?"

"Um, well, christen our new bed, was second on the list," she said shyly and Elliot chuckled.

"Would have been top of my list," he said, kissing her cheek. "What's number one?"

"Bringing Junior home and just being a family," she said, nestling into him.

"In a few months, babe, in a few months," he whispered, tenderly rubbing her belly.

.

About ten minutes later, the bedroom door opened and Maureen let out a huge sigh of relief when she saw their happy faces. She'd been having serious second thoughts about it all as they remained ensconced in their room, but now, everything seemed well.

While Elliot and Olivia took another slow look around the living room, Dickie hobbled into the kitchen to get the things out for lunch. When Lizzie came in, she went to stop him but he glared at her.

"Don't tell me I can't do it," he growled as stepped towards him.

"Okay, I won't," Lizzie said quietly. "Why don't you just tell me what I can do to help?"

Happy with that response, Dickie directed his sister to do all the things he needed and by the time the lasagne and salad was on the table, Lizzie had done most of the work.

"Mmm, smells great," Olivia said, coming into the kitchen. "I'm starving."

"Well, it's ready now, Liv," Lizzie said, pulling out the chair for her stepmother.

"You've done a wonderful job," she said looking at the spread of food in front of them.

"It was all Dickie," Lizzie said, nodding towards her brother. "I just followed instructions."

"Good work, son," Elliot said, half hugging Dickie as he hobbled by.

.

By the time they were all seated, Maureen had poured each a glass of juice and Elliot stood up at the head of the table.

"Olivia and I are just overwhelmed by everything you've all done, especially in the limited time you had..." he began, as Olivia reached over to take his hand.

"Wasn't just us though, dad," Maureen admitted. "Everyone from the squad and Casey did a lot too."

"I'll have to thank them too," he said, before looking at the smiling faces of his four children.

"Thank you all so much for doing this, it's amazing, and humbling, and just incredible," he said, his voice filling with emotion. "I know a lot has happened over the past six months and some of it's been pretty hard, and scary," he said, before coughing to clear his throat. "But some of it's been pretty amazing too," he said, squeezing Olivia's hand. "I thought I was cursed getting cancer, you know, all the why me's? But I think it's given me the greatest blessing – without it, none of us would be here now, in this incredible place, sitting down for our first family meal in our home." He coughed to clear his throat again before picking up his glass. "So, thank you all for everything in this last week, and in the last six months as well. I love you all very much."

There wasn't a dry eye around the table.

**AN: Whoo Hoo now reached 1400 reviews. Thank you to all those who have read and reviewed this story, I appreciate your efforts in acknowledging mine.**


	52. Chapter 52

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

It was nearly eight as Olivia checked the time yet again. She'd spent the afternoon checking out everything around her home as Elliot took a nap and then when he was awake, she did the same thing again, this time taking him around with her.

"It's not going to make her come any quicker, Liv," Elliot said, looking up from the PS3 game he was playing with Dickie.

"Who?" she asked, feigning ignorance.

"Casey, she'll get here when she gets here, you staring at the clock won't make a difference," he said with a chuckle and she glared at him. "Sorry," he apologised quickly.

"Who says I'm waiting for Casey?" she asked, folding her arms.

"Well, it's just that you've been up to the nursery door four times in the last hour, you've looked up at it a dozen times in the last fifteen minutes and you've been staring at the clock for the last five minutes," he explained, putting down his game controller and padding over to her.

"Ass," she grumbled, gently punching his arm. Trust him to have noticed everything about her, even though his eyes had seemingly been glued to the screen.

"She'll be here soon," he said gently, wrapping her in his arms and kissing her forehead.

"Who'll be here soon?" asked Casey coming in from the kitchen, surprising them.

"You!" they said in unison.

"I'm here now," she said, moving to hug and greet them both.

"So you like?" she asked, gesturing around the room.

"Yes, very much," Olivia said.

"They did a great job," Casey said. "Mo's amazing."

"Yeah, she is," Elliot agreed proudly.

"So, can we go and see it now," Olivia asked impatiently. She didn't want to be rude but she knew if she didn't see the nursery soon she'd burst.

.

Casey drew a big breath and Olivia cringed, she knew she wasn't going to like what came next.

"I'd love to show you but I promised Don I'd wait for him, he's got his surprise in there and it's only fair he's here when you see it," she explained, rubbing Olivia's arm.

"Well, what time's he getting here?" she asked impatiently.

"He's about ten minutes away," Casey said and Olivia sighed deeply.

"Well, we can wait," Elliot said, wrapping his arms around his wife and kissing her head. "Can I get you a coffee, Casey?"

.

Don's ten minutes extended to forty seven and Olivia had counted every one of them, twice. By the time he's car pulled up outside the house, she didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

'_Damn hormones'_, she chastised herself.

After Don entered the house there were a few awkward moments before Lizzie couldn't handle it anymore.

"Sorry, Don," she said, tugging his arm towards the stairs. "But if Livvy doesn't see the nursery soon she's going to explode."

"Well, we can't have that now, can we?" he said, heading up the stairs with everyone else following him.

"Don't you need the crutches?" Elliot asked Dickie as he hobbled over to the stairs.

"Technically, yes," he replied but, as Elliot went to retrieve them, Dickie pulled his arm. "You could help me instead," he suggested quietly and Elliot smiled as he wrapped his arm around his son's waist, pleased his growing boy still needed his old man for some things.

The girls were waiting impatiently by the nursery door as Dickie and Elliot finally caught up with them.

"After you, Liv," Casey said, turning the door handle and pushing open the door.

Olivia stood stunned at the baby paradise in front of her. Painted in varying hues of blue, the nursery was decorated with fluffy white clouds across the sky blue ceiling, a feature wall containing a mountain, forest and an array of characters painted throughout, mobiles and pictures scattered about and the wooden furniture accentuating the look of a serene baby haven. All in all the nursery was a fairytale dream.

"It's beautiful," murmured Olivia moving in to take a closer look at the mural. She smiled seeing the artwork up close; many of the woodland creatures had the familiar faces of those around her. She could even see the faces of Fin and Munch in the two eagles soaring above the trees.

"You've done an amazing job, Casey, thank you so very much," Elliot said, embracing and kissing her.

"You're welcome," she replied, smiling proudly. "It was a work of love."

Olivia turned around and hugged and thanked Casey too before Don cleared his throat.

"Olivia, Elliot," he began moving to a sheet draped item near the window. "When my wife and I were first married we discussed having a family but sadly it never happened. About five years into the marriage we thought we were expecting and I went down into the basement and excitedly started making this." He pointed to the still unseen item. "As you might have guessed it was a false alarm and I covered it up and tried not to think about it. A couple of times I thought about getting rid of it but never had the heart to do it – I guess it represented a lot of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. When you told me you were expecting, I knew what I had to do – so I pulled everything out of the basement and got to work. I had planned on having another few months, but when Mo told me about having the house ready this week, I knew I had to have this done too. So, Olivia and Elliot, this is for Junior. I hope he brings you joy and happiness and fulfils all your dreams."

.

Pulling off the sheet, Don revealed an immaculately crafted white vintage rocking horse, with a long black mane and tail, complete with red saddle, bridle and reins. Without the words to express herself Olivia burst into tears once more and Elliot cuddled her in close.

"Ah, I think this is Liv's way of saying thank you," he said, offering his hand to his boss. "Thank you so much, Don," he said, his own eyes brimming with tears. "It's an amazing present and an incredible gesture."

"You're both welcome," he said, moving to shake Elliot's hand and kiss Olivia as she mumbled her thanks, the emotion just too much.

.

In bed, later that night, Elliot awoke to find Olivia missing. Figuring she was in the bathroom, he waited for her to return but nothing eventuated. Finally, he climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom expecting to find her there, but it was empty. It took him no time to find her sitting in the rocking chair in the nursery, holding the white teddy the kids had bought her when they had officially moved in, the rocking horse drawn up beside her.

"Everything okay?" he asked, coming to kneel between her legs, his hand resting on her belly.

"Aha," she said quietly, though her face was tearstained.

"Anything you want to talk about?" he asked, rubbing circles over their unborn son.

"Uhuh," she said, tilting her head to look at him.

"Anything I can do?" he asked, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Kiss me," she whispered and he knelt up and obeyed her instruction.

.

Several long leisurely kisses later, Olivia rested her forehead on his and sighed deeply.

"You ready to come back to bed?" he asked and when she nodded, he stood up and wrapped his arm around her, leading them back to their room.

Nestled deep in their bed once more, Elliot wrapped himself around his wife and held her tight; he wasn't sure what was going on but he knew he always felt better in her arms.

"Love you very much, Livia," he whispered, kissing her head.

"Love you, El," she whispered in return, snuggling as close as she could get.

.

Before long, Olivia had drifted off to sleep and Elliot could only lay there and wonder what it was all about.

XXX

Elliot's week of treatment had been uneventful, for the most part, and done in the comfort of their new home. Initially, he had argued with Olivia to go back to the apartment in Manhattan as the house was meant to be a symbol of a fresh, post-cancer start, but Olivia had convinced him that being here - in this house, already so full of love, was the perfect place. The girls had been scarce most of the week, giving them time and space. Dickie was never far from the sofa, he had told his dad and Olivia that he'd stay in the apartment for the week if they wanted but Elliot had been firm in his response; his son was going to remain under their watchful eye and hopefully have a complete recovery.

.

By the Thursday night, Elliot was feeling restless and overwhelmed by the unknown. While he had tried to remain calm and not let anyone into his growing fears, it ended when he snapped at Lizzie at dinner when she had accidently knocked over her water. Reduced to tears, Lizzie left the table and the others all stared at Elliot. His snarled comment of _'just how fucking stupid are you?_' was so unexpected and uncharacteristic they were stunned.

"Where are you going?" he asked harshly as Olivia stood up.

"To see our daughter," she replied sharply, walking out. With nowhere else to look the other three turned their attention back to their dinners.

.

For all Olivia's apologising, consoling and hugs, she couldn't get Lizzie to change her mind about rejoining them for dinner. Instead, she conceded and let Lizzie go up to her room, but not before making her promise to come and eat something before she went to bed. Returning alone, Olivia glared at Elliot before resuming her meal.

"Lizzie alright?" asked Dickie, uncomfortable with the tension.

"She will be," said Olivia, assuring him with a quick smile.

"Is she coming back?" Kathleen asked, looking to the door.

"No, honey, she's gone up to her room," she replied, taking a drink of water.

"Isn't she going to finish her dinner?" asked Dickie. "She barely started."

"No, she said she'd lost her appetite," Olivia reported, never once looking at her husband.

.

After a few minutes of stilted conversation and general discomfort, Elliot pushed away his near full plate and walked out without saying a word. There was only one place he was headed; hating himself for what he'd done.

Softly he wrapped on Lizzie's door and when he heard a 'come in' he cautiously opened the door.

"Liz, can I come in, please?" he asked quietly and she nodded.

Finding her laying across her bed, he sat down beside her head and gently raked his fingers through her shortened locks, the locks she'd cut off in support of him – he felt more of an ass than he had coming up the stairs.

"I'm really sorry, baby girl," he said, emotion filling his voice. "I love you very much and I don't think you're stupid at all."

"Then why'd you say it?" she asked turning to look at him.

"Because I'm having a really bad day and I'm frustrated and everything else and I took it out on you," he said sadly. "I'm really sorry, Liz."

"What are you frustrated at, dad?" she asked, sitting up cross legged in front of him. "I thought you'd be happy since tomorrow's the last day of treatment."

"Yeah, I thought so too," he said, his eyes filling with tears, making Lizzie uncomfortable.

"So, why are you having a bad day?" she probed.

.

Sighing deeply, he took his youngest daughter's hand in his and squeezed it. "I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed by what happens after tomorrow – you know, whether there are more rounds or different treatments or what the test results will be."

"That sounds like being a lot overwhelmed," she said, taking his hand.

"Yeah, I guess I am..." he said, his tears threatening to spill over. "But I should never have taken it out on you. Forgive me, baby?" he asked tearfully.

"Of course, daddy," she said threading her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly.

Feeling much better, Lizzie went back downstairs to finish her dinner while Elliot retreated to his bedroom. Olivia didn't think much of it until Lizzie pulled her aside when the others had left the kitchen and explained what had happened with her father. Deciding it may be easier to be out of the house in the circumstances, Maureen took her siblings out to the movies while Olivia headed upstairs to sort things out with Elliot. Their conversation never eventuated as he was sound asleep.

.

Sometime after midnight, Olivia awoke to find Elliot had disappeared and she set off to find him. Eventually she did, sitting on the porch swing out the back.

"Can I join you?" she asked, and he nodded, moving so one foot was on the ground while the other leg was stretched out on the swing. Olivia sat between his legs, with hers on the swing and leaned back onto him. Quickly, his arm surrounded her waist and he kissed the top of his head.

"Lizzie forgives me, do you?" he asked quietly.

"Of course," she replied, rubbing his arm.

"I'm so sorry," he said remorsefully. "For everything."

"Besides for the comment to Liz, else do you have to be sorry for?" she asked, craning her neck so she could look at him.

"Being a mess," he said tearfully.

"Want to tell me about it?" she asked, trying to turn around to look at him properly but he held her in place.

.

For a moment or two, Elliot contemplated the words to use, he didn't want to scare his wife but he owed her the truth.

"I think I'm a bit worried about what happens after tomorrow. We've been so set on this being the last treatment, but from the start they said six to eight cycles and there's the possibility of radiation therapy. Then there's the tests and what those results will be and I'm praying so hard that the cancer's gone that I don't know what I'll do if it's not. I don't want this hanging over our heads any longer than it has too – I mean I want to stop thinking of me and this and start thinking of us and the baby and happily ever after and I guess I've been able to push all this aside over the time but today, after Connie left I just ... I just... well, it started to consume me and I can't think of anything else and...and...and..." he stumbled, not knowing where this particular train of thought was going.

Olivia turned around and wrapped him in her arms and held him tightly until he felt he could breathe once more.

"Whatever the result, we'll get through it, baby," she said gently, placing a kiss on his nose. "I'd love this to be over too, but we'll just deal with things as they come up, okay?" He nodded and dropped his head onto her shoulder. "Okay?" she asked again, needing to hear him agree.

"Okay," he mumbled, his tears stinging his eyes.

"El, baby," she said, lifting his face when she heard the tears in his voice. "Come back to bed and let me hold you... please..."

.

Returning to their room, Elliot climbed into bed while Olivia used the bathroom. After turning off the light, she slid in beside him and wrapped her arms around him, encouraging him to sink further into their bed so he could lie with his head on her breast; the way he found comfort with her in the early days of the illness. The major difference this time was he had to work around the six and a half month baby bump, which he did with ease. When they awoke the next morning they were laying in a similar manner, only their positions were reversed.

"Ready to face the day?" she asked, gently rubbing his chest. He hadn't spoken but she knew he'd been awake the last ten minutes.

"Yeah, I am," he said, more conviction to his voice. "Just have to deal with things as they come and try not to get overwhelmed by the rest."

"That's right, El," she said gently, kissing his hand.

.

When Connie was packing up the last of her things, Elliot sat fidgeting with his sleeve on the sofa while Olivia stared at the painting over the fireplace.

"So, which of you wants to tell me?" Connie asked, locking her briefcase.

"Tell you what?" Elliot asked, looking up at her.

"What's going on? You two seem more anxious today than when we first started," she observed, looking to Olivia.

"I guess we're just a little concerned about what happens from here," he said, looking to Olivia for support, only to find her still staring at the picture.

"Well, you know how it goes," Connie said gently. "Tests late next week, an appointment with Stephen Bainbridge the week after and he'll make the decision as to whether we need more cycles or if everything's fine."

"Yeah, we know all that," Elliot replied, nodding. "It's more the tests and the results...I guess we're wanting this all to be over and we don't know if it will be...or whether any of this has worked, you know?"

"Yes, I know," she said quietly. "Regardless of what I say, you're going to have an anxious couple of weeks, but the prognosis was very good at the outset, the treatment went well, even with the altering of doses and there's no reason to think the worst," she added, patting his arm.

"Thanks, Connie," he replied, taking her hand. "It's meant a lot having you in our corner...I don't think I can express just how grateful we are for everything you've done, not only for me, but for Livia as well."

"You are both very welcome, it's been my pleasure. I can come to the appointment with you and Stephen, to see what's next. If that's alright with you," she said, standing up.

"Oh, that's more than okay," he said enthusiastically, standing up as well.

"Olivia?" Connie called and slowly she turned around. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," she said, though neither were convinced. "Just want to know how all this turns out."

"I can understand," she said, "Try not to obsess on it – it's not going to change the outcome. Just take it easy and spend some time just enjoying this beautiful home and each other."

.

After Connie departed, Elliot held his hand out and Olivia made her way over to him. Pulling her onto his lap as he sat down, Elliot rubbed her back and pressed kisses on her head. Finally, she looked up at him and he saw the same look in her eyes as she did when he found her in the nursery their first night in their home.

"Wanna tell me?" he asked, kissing her shoulder and pulling her closer.

"I love you so much, do you know that?" she asked earnestly, draping her arms around his neck.

"Yes, I know that," he said, kissing her nose. "And I love you more than anything, do you know that?"

"Yes, I do," she said, nodding.

.

For a few minutes nothing was said, as he rested his head on hers.

"That first night, in the nursery, and right now, you're thinking the same thing; what is it?" he asked, a hand coming up to caress her face.

"That I love you," she whispered, snuggling into him.

"But both times you have looked incredibly sad, is that what loving me feels like?" he asked mournfully and she shook her head.

"No, loving you and being loved by you feels absolutely amazing," she said, trailing kisses across his face.

"Then what?" he prompted, he just had to know.

"Just thinking that loving you is by far the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done. It's simple loving you, so simple – I mean you are by far the most beautiful, incredible, sexy, intelligent, loving, protective man I know – how could I not fall in love with you?" she asked, before kissing him again.

"So why's it so hard?" he asked, tears filling his voice and stinging his eyes.

"Because you have completed me – and I know that sounds so corny, but you are the other half of me, the one who has made all my hopes and dreams come true. And I guess, with this thing still hanging over us, I'm more than a little scared that ... well, that, you know ... if things don't go our way... you know..." she tried to explain.

"That I die?" he offered and she nodded.

"Then I'll die too – that it'll be all too hard because you'll have taken the best of me with you. And I don't want to lose you; I don't want you to die. I don't want to live without you. I don't want anything but us together forever and ever," she said, her tears falling at the sight of his.

"I don't want to lose you either," Elliot sobbed pulling her closer. "But promise me, if I don't make it that you'll keep going – keep going for me and for Junior and the kids and most of all for you. You are my world, Livia," he whispered. "And as heartbreaking as it would be for me to have to leave you, it would kill me to know you couldn't go on. Promise me, Livia! Please, promise me," he begged, clutching her tightly.

"Promise you, El," she sobbed into his chest. As much as it would kill her to live without him, she'd promise him the world, the absolute world.


	53. Chapter 53

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**This is the chapter you've been waiting for... I'd love to hear your thoughts!!!**

**For you, Fi xox**

It took nineteen steps to complete a circuit of Dr Bainbridge's waiting room, something Elliot hadn't realised on his last visit as, at that time, he had been compelled to stand in place, staring out the window, due to his fear of everything. This time, his fear was reduced to one thing – the test results and he was agitated.

For the first part of their wait, Olivia had tried to comfort him with soothing words and touches. She had tried to change the topic by discussing Dickie's recovery and how well it was going. Not really succeeding, she had tried to catch his hand during one of his laps but he pulled from her grasp and muttered 'sorry' before turning around and walking the other way.

"He doesn't look like he's coping too well," Connie observed, slipping into the seat beside Olivia.

"He's not," she replied, her eyes tracking her husband's every move. "He won't talk about it either."

"Did either of you sleep much last night?" she asked, turning back to Olivia.

"Nope," she said before sighing deeply. "He was just so restless that every time I started to drift off he'd move and I'd be awake again. He's just exhausted."

"And so are you," Connie observed.

"Yeah, I know," Olivia agreed. "I'm sure we'll both sleep well tonight – well, depending on what the doctor has to say."

"I know you don't want me to say this, Olivia, but you have to remember that you need to get your rest and eat properly, regardless of today's outcome. You have Junior to think about too," she said quietly but firmly.

"I know," Olivia acknowledged in a whisper as Elliot came and stood in front of her once more.

Slowly, Olivia held her hand out to him, hoping that he would take it this time. He did and kissed it before locking his blue gaze onto her.

"How much longer?" he asked, looking from his wife to his nurse.

"Stephen's running a little late," Connie said. "Probably another fifteen minutes."

"Fuck!" he grumbled before dropping Olivia's hand and resuming his pacing.

Connie reached over and picked up Olivia's hand when she noticed her trembling lower lip and the tears in her eyes. Giving a brief squeeze she smiled at Olivia and was relieved when she reciprocated with a brief smile.

Twenty minutes later, when they were still waiting for the oncologist, Connie slipped away to find out just how much longer it would be, knowing Elliot was barely holding on. Coming back with a grim expression, she related that their appointment was at least an hour away as Stephen was still completing a very complicated surgery. Connie suggested they get coffee, Elliot said no. She suggested they get lunch, Elliot said no. She suggested sitting outside and getting some fresh air, Elliot said no.

When Olivia tearfully excused herself to use the bathroom, Connie decided to intervene.

"Elliot, look at me for a minute," she said, coming to face him as he stood by the window, he complied. "I know this is an incredibly frustrating day for you and I can understand your distraction, but I'm concerned about Olivia," she said quietly.

"What's wrong with Livia?" he asked, looking towards the place she'd been sitting. "Where is she?"

"She went to the bathroom," Connie said, patting his arm in reassurance. "But she is very tired, very emotional and probably very hungry. I know neither of you slept last night; I doubt you ate this morning either, did you?"

"No," he replied, shaking his head.

"Now, I know you don't feel like doing anything but Olivia needs some fresh air, some food and for you to relax, I'm sure her blood pressure is high and her blood sugar is low – and you know what happened last time this occurred," she said quietly as Olivia returned.

Ashamed about thinking only of himself, Elliot moved quickly to his wife and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly before kissing her head.

"Let's go get some lunch and eat it outside," he said, kissing her head once more.

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked, wondering about the dramatic change.

"Yeah, I am," he confirmed, prepared to do anything for her.

An hour and fifteen minutes later, Connie's pager buzzed and she read the message.

"Looks like Stephen's ready for us," she said, picking up her empty packages and standing up. "You two ready to do this?" They both nodded but nothing was said. The elevator ride up was also in silence. Connie left them momentarily to check in with the receptionist and Elliot took the opportunity to hold his wife one last time before they found out the results.

"Do you know just how much I love you, Livia?" he asked as she settled her head on his shoulder.

"Yes, I do," she replied, looking up at him. "I love you very much too, Elliot. Whatever happens in there," she added, pointing to the closed door, "We'll get through it, just like we've gotten through everything in the past decade, okay?"

"Yeah, I know we will," he replied with a deep sigh before kissing her head and holding her closely.

"He's ready," Connie said, returning to them and knocking on the door before opening it. "Are you?"

"Yeah, we are," Elliot said bravely. "Let's get this over with."

Elliot was a highly trained and experienced detective, he knew how to read body language, to listen to detail and interpret and remember it, but once Dr Bainbridge began talking he seemed to lose all ability to put a coherent thought together. The doctor seemed serious, and Elliot knew it was a serious matter. He was talking in technical terms about markers and levels and it sounded vaguely familiar to what he'd heard before, so he knew it was about the results.

"Oh god, that's great news!" He heard Olivia exclaim before she squeezed his hand so tight he thought she might break it. It was only then her words sunk in. 'Great news'! "Isn't it, Elliot?" she said, tugging his hand.

"It is!" he said slowly, though the truth was he didn't actually know what the news was.

"Just to recap, for Elliot," Connie said, smiling at Olivia, knowing he hadn't taken in the results at all. "There's no indication of the cancer and Stephen sees no reason to continue treatments. There will have to be further tests in three months and ongoing monitoring after that. However, he's very pleased with your progress and he believes a return to work is possible in a month, still on a limited basis though."

"No indication of cancer?" he echoed and Connie nodded. "That's good right?"

"It's the best news," Olivia replied, threading her arm around him and hugging him tight. "The best news."

It wasn't until ten minutes later, after they had thanked and farewelled Connie that Elliot took his wife in his arms once more and kissed her thoroughly; ignoring the fact they were in the middle of the oncology corridor.

"I take it you're happy," Olivia said as she pulled back to get some much needed oxygen.

"Relieved," he said, resting his forehead on hers. "Just very, very, _very_ relieved."

"Me too, baby, me too," she replied, pulling him back to her and kissing him once more.

There were fourteen missed calls on Elliot's phone when he turned it back on, and twenty seven on Olivia's.

"Think people want some answers," he observed, when she held up her phone so he could see the missed call total.

"I think so," she replied, "How do you want to tell them?" she asked slipping into the driver's seat, knowing Elliot was still too preoccupied to drive safely.

"All at once," he replied, hitting the speed dial and phoning his boss. His request was simple; could Don arrange for everyone to be at their house in an hour. There was no indication in his tone as to which way the results had gone and Elliot had disconnected the call before Don had a chance to ask.

"An hour? It will only take us thirty odd minutes to get there," Olivia said, pulling the car out of the car park.

"I know, I want to pick up some groceries," he said; a permanent smile now on his face. "We have something to celebrate."

It was seventy three minutes before Elliot and Olivia pulled into the driveway. They knew this as Kathleen came running out of the house giving them the elapsed time count.

"Sorry, honey," said Elliot as he handed a grocery bag to his daughter. "Traffic was slow."

"Fuck the traffic," she growled, surprising her parents. "What did the doctor say?"

"Can we have this conversation inside?" Elliot asked, knowing it would concern his daughter, but wanting to do it all at once.

Eight sets of eyes bored into them as Olivia and Elliot walked into the sitting room, and Elliot was pleased to find his work colleagues were all there.

"Well?" Fin said, shifting his feet uncomfortably as the tension grew.

"Well," began Elliot, still holding onto Olivia's hand. "The news was all good," he said, before his grin erupted. "No sign of the cancer, no more treatments, a review in three months and I can think about going back to work in a limited capacity in about a month," he reeled off quickly. As the last of the words were out of his mouth Maureen and Kathleen had wrapped their arms around him as their tears spilt over. Dickie followed right behind as Don and Munch slapped him on the back. Fin hugged Olivia as did Casey before pointing at Lizzie who hadn't moved from the sofa.

Quickly, Olivia padded over and sat down beside her, wrapping her arms around Lizzie, who sat still and emotionless.

"What is it, honey?" Olivia whispered, holding her tight. "You should be happy."

"I am," she said tearfully, burying her head in Olivia's shoulder.

"What's wrong?" she asked, very concerned about her youngest daughter's reaction.

"I was so scared, Livvy," she sobbed. "It was taking so long and I was so scared it was bad news."  
"But it's not, Lizzie," Olivia soothed. "It's all good, it's very good."

"I know, but I thought it was going to be bad. You guys were gone nearly four hours, and I waited here the whole time.... right here," she said, pointing to the sofa and trying to catch her breath. "And ...and..."

"And what, Liz?" she asked, drawing up Lizzie's face. "What is it?" Lizzie leaned in and Olivia could feel her tremble.

"I was so scared, Liv ... and when you came in ...it was all too much and ... and ... I... I...wet myself," she said before more tears fell. "And on the new sofa."

"Oh, baby, it's okay," she soothed hugging her very emotional and embarrassed daughter. It was then she realised just how painfully hard this day had been for all of them.

Not wanting to bring attention to Lizzie's plight, Olivia caught Elliot's eye and beckoned him over. From her seated position, Lizzie hugged her father tightly, her tears taking away her ability to talk.

"It's all good, baby girl, it's all good," he said, kissing her head.

"Ah, El," Olivia whispered and Lizzie looked up horrified, but Olivia smiled and continued. "El, how about you take everyone into the kitchen with you and give us a few minutes here?"

"Sure," he said slowly. "Is everything okay?" he asked, caressing his daughter's face.

"Everything is just fine but Liz and I need about ten minutes to ourselves. Can you arrange that?" she asked, with a slight tilt of the head towards Lizzie and a mouthed 'please'.

Knowing whatever was wrong he'd be told about at a more suitable time; Elliot nodded and kissed both of their heads before standing.

"Party time!" he announced standing up. "Everyone into the kitchen!"

Casey had to return to court and after Elliot had seen her off, he passed back through the living room ensuring everyone else had moved to the kitchen, seeing that they had, he winked at his wife and she mouthed 'thanks'.

In the ten minutes afforded to them, Lizzie went upstairs and cleaned up and changed into a very similar pair of shorts while Olivia cleaned up the sofa, thankful they had opted to have the furniture Scotchgarded and Lizzie's accident hadn't produced any real damage, except maybe to her ego.

When Lizzie was ready, she came back downstairs and found Olivia waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs; she hugged her stepmother tightly and thanked her for everything.

"I love you so much, mom," she said, as Olivia kissed her head. It was tough to know who was more surprised by the word 'mom', Lizzie or Olivia.

"Do you mind?" Lizzie finally asked. "I just feel like you're my mom and...well...I know you refer to me as your daughter... it just seemed right...but if you don't..."

"I'd be very proud to have you call me mom, if that's what you want to do," Olivia replied tearfully as her emotions threaten to overwhelm her.

"I do, Livvy, mom," she said, giggling at the mistake. "I do, mom."

Despite the activity in the kitchen and his relief at his own news, Elliot kept an eye on the clock, concerned that fifteen minutes later there was still no sign of his wife and youngest daughter. Excusing himself from his conversation with Don, he moved back to the living room to see them hugging at the bottom of the stairs, tears clearly evident on both their faces.

"What's going on?" he asked padding over to them quickly and putting and arm around each of them.

"I love you very much, dad," she said, kissing his cheek. "And I'm so happy it's good news."

"So am I, Lizzie, so am I," he replied, kissing her head. "Why are you still out here though?" he asked, wiping away his wife's tears.

"We were just talking," Olivia said, resting her head on his shoulder and nestling closer to him.

"About me?" he asked, trying to get a read on the situation.

"No," Lizzie said, "Not everything's about you, daddy," she said with a laugh, relieved that not everything would have to be from here on in.

"Then what's up?" he asked, kissing Olivia's head.

"Lizzie called me mom," she said, the tears welling once more.

"Liv said she was alright with it," Lizzie said. "Or should I say mom said she's alright with it, but are you?" she asked her father.

"Are you alright with it?" he asked, turning his attention to his wife.

"Aha," she said. "I think it's an honour."

"Then I'm more than alright with it," he said kissing her again. "And I think it will be far less confusing for Junior."

"Good point, dad," Lizzie said. "Now, I'm starving. I haven't eaten a thing all day. Let's go party!" She departed before the other two could stop her.

Pulling his wife into his arms, Elliot kissed her tenderly.

"Are you ready to go party, mom?" he asked and she nodded. "Well, let's go party now and then I think we both need an afternoon nap. You, my beautiful, tearful wife are exhausted, aren't you?"

"Aha," she replied, pulling him close once more. Just for now, she didn't want space between them; she doubted whether she'd want space between them ever again.


	54. Chapter 54

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**A HUGE thank you to those who have reviewed each and every chapter, it really keeps me going. The end is clearly in sight and I am so grateful you have stuck with me.**

September had well and truly arrived and summer was starting to give way to fall. The twins were in their last year of high school and Kathleen was settled back at college. Maureen had picked up a full time position at the magazine, and although the apartment in Manhattan was hers, she still spent most of her nights and spare time in Parkville with the family.

Elliot and Olivia had had several long discussions about his returning to work. While he felt better than he had in a long time, physically he wasn't as strong as he used to be and Olivia was concerned that if he returned fulltime he would again be working endless shifts without eating or resting properly, something which would set him back, and as an additional worry, she wouldn't be there to watch out for him.

That was part of her concern; the other part was the impending birth of Junior. Her due date of November 8th was circled on the calendar in red marker and it seemed to hit her in the face every time she looked.

Not wanting to put her worries about Junior onto Elliot, she didn't tell him of the rising doubts and insecurities she felt about motherhood. Instead, it was Don whom she poured everything out to when he inadvertently provided the last straw.

Desk duty wasn't something Olivia ever liked but with only eight weeks until her due date she was grateful she got to sit all day. Diligently she had worked her way through countless files, looking up at Elliot's empty desk every now and then. Each time she did she felt a sadness she couldn't explain. She missed him and longed for him, she was worried for him and about him. In the middle of her Elliot preoccupation, Don called her in to discuss a mistake she'd made in a file.

The moment he pointed out the error which was nothing more than a typo, Olivia's eyes filled with tears and she tried to excuse herself but Don took her hand as she reached the door and pulled her back to the chair.

"What's going on Liv?" he asked quietly.

"Nothing," she said with a sniffle and then smiled at her inability to even convince herself.

"Tell me," he said, squeezing her hand.

"Elliot wants to come back to work," she said and then took a deep breath. "And wants to be here fulltime and I don't think it's good for him because he will overdo things, because he's Elliot, and I think part time's the best and I also think I need part time because I'm just exhausted and I making stupid mistakes and ..." she rambled tearfully.

"Take a breath, Livvy," Don said, "It's okay, just take a breath."

Inhaling deeply, Olivia pushed herself out of the chair and went to stand by the window overlooking the bullpen.

"I'm scared, Don," she said quietly. "About having this baby. Everything has been so focused on Elliot, which it needed to be, and I was just so happy being pregnant that I didn't really think about the rest of it and now it's all going to happen soon and ..."

"What rest of it?" Don asked, standing alongside her.

"Having the baby," she said. "Actually giving birth, the labour, the aftermath..."

"Have you talked to El about it?" he asked, guiding her back to the chair.

She shook her head.

"Don't you think that you should? Elliot's been through this before," Don said holding onto her hand.

"He's a man," Olivia said with a sigh. "He doesn't know anything about actually having the baby, and I have no close friends with kids, you know?"

"I know," he said quietly. "What about Melinda?"

"She's at a conference," replied Olivia tearfully.

"She came back yesterday," he replied, moving back to his desk in ten minutes Melinda was in his office ready to take Olivia to lunch.

Meanwhile, Don had phoned Elliot and asked him to come in for a return to work chat. Jumping at the chance, Elliot was at the precinct before Olivia had returned from lunch. Surprised she wasn't around; he immediately questioned Don but was quickly reassured as to where she was.

"Now, El," Don said, sitting on his desk in front of Elliot. "I've been working on the schedule and spoken to OnePP. Now, normally you and Liv wouldn't both be permitted to remain in the squad, so I have done some juggling and this is the best I could do, for now..." he said, handing him a copy of the new roster. "You and Liv will both be part time and on desk duty, you are assigned to the squad, however, Olivia is now doing precinct administration."

"What does that mean?" Elliot asked, looking up.

"It means she can sit at that desk out there and do paperwork, nothing changes except the title," Don explained.

"How long for?" Elliot asked, scanning the sheet once more.

"As long as we need it," he replied.

"I appreciate it, Don, but I'm really looking to come back fulltime," he said, putting the roster back on the desk.

"I know, but..." his voice trailed as he rounded his desk and sat in his chair.

"But what?" Elliot prompted.

"But I think that maybe you should just ease yourself back into it," Don suggested, trying to be tactful about the whole thing.

"But I'm ready now," he protested, standing up.

"I know you are, but I don't think she is," Don said, pointing to the bullpen where Olivia had just reappeared.

"What do you mean?" he asked, watching his wife sit at her desk, her red rimmed eyes the giveaway to her mood; her lunch with Melinda had only reinforced just how much she didn't know.

"She's struggling, El," he said gently, patting his back.

"Struggling with what?" asked Elliot, now more concerned than ever.

"Oh, a lot of things, I suspect," Don said quietly. "She mentioned a few things, but I think that's for her to tell you."

"What can I do for her?" he asked, tears welling.

"Take her home, talk to her, hold her," he replied, opening the door.

As the door opened Olivia lifted her head and was surprised to see her husband exiting.

"Hey, Liv," he said, padding over to her. "I've come to take you home when you're ready."

"I'm ready now," she said standing and hugging her husband, holding onto him for a little longer than he expected. "What were you talking to Don about?"

"Coming back to work," he said, and watched her bite down on her bottom lip. "But only part time," he added quickly. "I realised you were right and I should ease myself back into it." Quickly, she hugged him once more. "You okay?" he whispered and she nodded, she was okay...now.

The following afternoon as Olivia slept; Elliot spent a few hours in the garage sorting out tools, boxes and an assortment of odds and ends. Happily busy and preoccupied with his contribution to the household, he wasn't aware anything was wrong until Dickie came running in.

"When did you get home?" Elliot asked, checking his watch.

"About two minutes ago," he replied before continuing with his original point of coming in. "Dad, have you checked on Liv recently?"

"No, she was still asleep when I went into the house an hour ago, why?" he asked, putting down the hammer.

"She's in the study and I think she's upset because all Lizzie said to me is 'get dad'," he explained and stepped aside as his father rushed past him.

Within a minute, Elliot was standing at the study door and paused to draw a few breaths. Slowly he opened the door and found Olivia sitting at the computer pounding on the keyboard while Lizzie was trying, unsuccessfully, to calm her.

"What's going on?" he asked, resting a hand on Lizzie's shoulder.

"No idea, dad," she replied, "Mom's not saying anything."

"Okay, I've got it from here, honey," he said, kissing his daughter's head.

When Lizzie had departed and closed the door behind her, Elliot went and stood behind Olivia. Checking the screen he found about a dozen dialogue boxes opened and Olivia belting the enter key was not resolving anything.

"Okay, okay," he said gently, wrapping his arms around hers and resting his hands on hers. "Okay, Livia, enough. It's not helping."

"Fucking computer, it's supposed to make life fucking easier not fucking harder," she yelled, fighting against his strength to try and hit the keyboard, but he wouldn't relent.

"Olivia," he said firmly. "Let's just reboot it," he said, reaching out and pressing the button.

Before long the monitor went black and Olivia turned and glared at him.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" she growled. "I was using it!"

"You needed to reset it," he replied gently, not wanting to spark her anger again.

"Don't tell me what I need," she hissed turning back to the computer and starting it once more.

"Well," he said, moving back from her. "If you decide you need me, I'll be right there," he said, pointing to Lizzie's oversized beanbag in the corner of the room.

For a few minutes, Olivia went through the motions of starting the computer before sighing deeply and dropping her hands into her lap. While he had a hundred questions and just wanted to hold her, Elliot knew it had to be on her terms, so he sat quietly and studied her. Before long she stood up and padded across to him.

"I need you," she said, her brown eyes watery, her lip quivering.

"Well, I'm right here," he said, opening his arms and helping her snuggle into him.

"Sorry, El," she whispered, resting her head on his chest.

"What's going on?" he asked quietly as his fingers raked through her hair.

"I know nothing about nothing," she replied as she pressed closer to him.

"What do you mean?" he asked, kissing her head.

"I got to thinking that I'm eight weeks from having this baby and I know nothing about having the baby... I should know more, we should have done the prenatal classes, done the hospital tour, done the... done the...I don't know – see I don't even know what we should have done either," she rambled clutching his tee in her fist.

"Hey, hey," he soothed as he felt her tears splash down. "We still have time to do those things... we can get as much information as you want and need, okay?"

"I'm going to be hopeless," she whispered before sobs wracked her body.

"Oh, baby, baby, no you're not," he replied, kissing her head and pulling her closer. "You are just feeling overwhelmed right now and you're exhausted. You didn't sleep last night, Livia."

"I just...I just..." she started but nothing else came.

"It's okay, Livia, it's okay," he whispered, reaching to the sofa and grabbing a blanket, before laying it across them and over their heads.

"I'm not cold," she muttered.

"I know, Liv. It's to make things darker," he said, "Now close your eyes and just breathe for me."

It only took a few minutes before Olivia was asleep and snoring softly.

Half an hour later, there was a light rap at the door and Elliot pulled the blanket off his head and waited for whichever child to appear.

"Everything alright?" Maureen asked, peeking around the door.

"It will be," Elliot whispered. "You're home early."

"Dickie called, said there was a problem with mom," she said pointing to Olivia. Elliot couldn't help but smile. While there were still a few false starts, the kids all called Olivia mom most of the time. "Is she okay?"

"Just feeling a little overwhelmed and completely exhausted," he replied, gazing down at the lump still under the blanket.

"Anything I can do?" she asked, padding over to close the blinds.

"Yeah," Elliot said, nodding. "My wallet's on the kitchen counter – can you do some shopping for me?"

"Sure, dad, what do you need?" she asked, grabbing a note pad and pen from the desk.

"Can you go to Borders and get every baby book you can find?" he asked and Maureen nodded.

"Yeah," she replied. "Anything else?"

"Um... maybe a couple of gallons of that ice cream Liv loves at the moment and those chocolates she's been eating," Elliot said. "And, ah... I don't know, Mo, anything else you can think of that will make Liv feel a bit better."

For another few hours Elliot lay next to Olivia and held her while she slept, hoping and praying that when she awoke she'd be feeling much better and happier, or at least be able to talk to him about it.

When Olivia did finally wake, she looked up at the loving face of her husband and smiled sleepily.

"Sorry," she said, quietly, before kissing his cheek.

"What are you sorry for?" he asked, raking his fingers through her hair.

"My meltdown earlier. I'm sorry, I guess I'm just a little overwhelmed by everything," she admitted, resting her head back on his chest.

"Why didn't you talk to me about it?" he asked, drawing her face up once more.

"Because ... I don't know, El," she said, shaking her head. "I guess I thought I should know it all and that you'd think I should know it too."

"Oh, honey," he said, kissing her forehead. "I wouldn't have thought that. This is all very new for you and I should have realised that."

"But I ..." she began but Elliot leant down and pressed his lips to hers.

"But nothing, Livia," he said, pulling back. "We'll work through all your questions, okay?"

"With what?" she asked. "Not as if the computer helped."

"I have my ways," he said with a wink.

Slowly getting up from the beanbag, Elliot helped his wife climb out and hugged her tight when she did. Opening the door, they were both surprised to find the coffee table covered in a piles of books and DVDs, a seemingly lifetime supply of chocolate and a big bunch of flowers in a vase in the middle of it all with a helium balloon attached which exclaimed 'World's Greatest Mom!'

"What's all this?" asked Olivia, padding over to the Maureen and Lizzie who were on the sofa.

"Got you some books," Lizzie said giving her a quick hug. "They're pretty good – I'm learning heaps."

"Don't learn too much," Elliot warned sternly. "Don't want you going through this for at least another ten years."

"Dad, I'll be 27," Lizzie said with a laugh.

"Make it 15 then," he replied, not wanting to think of his baby girl having her own children just yet.

As Elliot went to get drinks for them all, Olivia settled on the sofa between her stepdaughters and drew a deep breath.

"It's not so bad, mom," Maureen said, handing her the book she was reading. "This one seems to have all the answers you need."

"What answers are they?" she asked, leafing through the pages.

"All of them," she said, tapping the cover. "Look!"

Olivia smiled when she read the title, 'Childbirth for Dummies'.  
"Sounds like it's for me," she said, with a smile.

"You're not a dummy, mom," Maureen said, wrapping her arm around Olivia's shoulders. "You've just been a little busy with dad during this pregnancy... we'll get you up to speed."

"Well, we can skip this book," Lizzie said, tossing the book she had back onto the table. "It was all about getting pregnant and sex in pregnancy – we know you know about _all_ about that."

Elliot nearly dropped the tray he was carrying.


	55. Chapter 55

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**A HUGE thank you to those who have reviewed each and every chapter, it really keeps me going. The end is clearly in sight and I am so grateful you have stuck with me.**

**We've now reached the 1500 review mark which is fabulous... although there are many people out there reading, alerting and favouriting that I haven't heard from ... perhaps this will be the chapter they review...**

After a few days of reading and talking things through, Olivia felt a lot better and while still apprehensive about the actual birth, she was in a better state of mind to deal with the whole thing. They had gone to check out things at Mt Sinai, and Connie had arranged for a midwife friend of hers to spend an afternoon with Olivia and Elliot and run an intensive prenatal class for them.

Monday dawned and Elliot was up and dressed while Olivia lay in bed and watched his every move.

"It would have been easier if you had just agreed to come into work today," he said, propping himself on her side of the bed.

"No," she said, shaking her head. "I think you need to go in on your own. I don't think I could cope with all the well-wishes you are going to get," she said, her eyes already teary. "But I will come and take you out for lunch, if you want?"

"That will be perfect," he said, leaning down and kissing her.

And it would have been perfect, had she turned up. Instead, just as she was heading out the doorbell rang and to her utmost surprise or horror, she wasn't sure which one, Kathy stood there.

"Can I come in?" she asked when Olivia made no move to let her in.

"Ah, sure," she said, stepping back. "Elliot's gone to work," she added.

"I know. Maureen mentioned it, that's why I came," she said, looking around the living room. "You have a beautiful home."

"Thank you," Olivia replied, and smiled. "What can I do for you?" she asked, done with waiting.

"I was hoping we could talk?" Kathy said, and Olivia gestured towards the sofa.

"About what?" she asked, sitting in the armchair.

"Olivia, I really want to apologise, for everything," she said sincerely. "While there are reasons for what I did it doesn't excuse it and I am sorry for the pain and suffering I put you and Elliot through."

When Olivia hadn't turned up by one, Elliot was concerned. When he phoned her six times, three on the landline, three on her cell and got no answer with any of them he was worried sick that something was seriously wrong. Leaving work early, he headed home hoping there would be a reasonable explanation for her being MIA. Relieved to find her car in the garage, Elliot finally allowed himself to breathe. Entering the house he called out her name but received no reply. He noted the two empty mugs and plate of cookies on the coffee table and wondered who had visited in his absence.

Heading up the stairs, Elliot was both concerned and relieved to find her asleep in bed. Kicking off his shoes, he slid into bed beside her and slipped his arm around her, drawing her closer.

"Hmmm," she moaned as her hand moved to his chest.

"Livvy, baby, you awake?" he asked, brushing her hair back.

"Mmmm," she replied, and Elliot kissed her forehead, smiling at her sleepy expression.

"Livia," he called a little louder. "Olivia?"

"Yeah, honey, what do you need?" she asked, trying to open her eyes.

"Need you to talk to me, baby," he said, raising her face.

"'bout what?" she said, adjusting herself in his arms and sighing happily.

"What did you do today?" he asked, wanting her to tell her own story.

"Had a visitor," she replied sleepily, rubbing her eyes. "It was Kathy."

"Kathy?" he said, nearly choking on the word. "Kathy came here?"

"Yeah, she came to apologise," Olivia said, reaching up to caress his face. "Said she was really sorry and she did it because she was jealous. Said she'd learnt her lesson and it came at a hell of a cost – losing the kids. Thanked me for taking good care of them, and you. Congratulated us on the marriage, baby, home. It was alright in the end but left me with one hell of a headache. I kept trying to figure out if she had a hidden agenda – you know, I don't really trust her."

"And did she?" he asked, surprised by the turn of events. "Have a hidden agenda?"

"Don't think so," Olivia said with a yawn. "Think she was genuine."

"How's your headache?" he asked, rubbing her temple.

"Still there, think my blood pressure's up again," she replied, sighing again. "But the doctor will check it Friday when we're there."

"Have you eaten lunch?" he asked, kissing her head.

"No, when Kathy left I came up...oh god, Elliot, lunch...I was supposed to meet you," she apologised sitting up. "And I didn't phone. You must have been so worried. I'm so sorry." Leaning forwards, she held his face in both hands and kissed him. "I'll get you something now."

"No, no," he said quickly, pulling her back to him. "I'll get you something. You rest."

"No," she protested, "It's the least I can do."

"How about we go get something together and then we can come back here and nap together?" he asked and received a huge grin in response.

For Olivia, the following days were like being on a huge hormonal and emotional rollercoaster. There were moments when she just wanted to laugh, but more when she just wanted to cry. She was uncomfortable, huge, hungry, and stressed. While Elliot tried his best, it often seemed to make things worse, or at least result in floods of tears. Olivia hated who she was as a hormonal mess, it wasn't like her, wasn't who she was but she had no choice as her body and brain seemed to conspire against her.

Coming home one night after going bowling with Dickie, Lizzie stopped Elliot at the stairs.

"Don't be surprised if she's crying again, dad," she warned.

"What was it tonight?" he asked, taking a deep breath.

"That toilet paper ad, you know, the one with the little boy and puppy? She started crying and couldn't stop – so Maureen put her to bed," she explained quietly.

"Where's Mo now?" he asked, looking around the room.

"She's at the apartment tonight, has an early start in the morning but said to call if you need her," Lizzie said, before moving back to the sofa.

Olivia wasn't crying when Elliot entered the bedroom but the pile of used Kleenex on the floor next to the bed was a giveaway that she had been. Realising she was asleep; he pulled up the armchair next to her side of the bed and watched her. For a long time he watched as she inhaled in shallow even breaths, just as her breathing pattern was lulling him into his own slumber, it changed.

"James," she muttered, becoming restless. "James, don't do that."

Elliot was wide awake.

"Please, James," she continued, rolling over. "I love you, James."

"Olivia!" Elliot called, needing to know just who James was.

"Mmm, El," she said, rolling back. "Hi, baby."

"Who's James?" he asked, caressing her face.

"James who?" she replied, her brow furrowed.

"You were talking to James in your sleep," he explained. "Who is he?"

For a few moments Olivia pondered his question.

"I have no idea, Elliot," she said. "I don't know any James'. Do you?" He shook his head and she sighed. "Must have been a dream."

A dream was fine, but Elliot didn't like the idea of his wife calling out anyone else's name even if it was in her sleep. The first time was bad enough but when she did it later that same night, it was much worse.

"James, I love you so much," she said, and Elliot sat up. "You are so gorgeous, James."

Now, he was irritated. "Don't do that, James, you know I don't like it." She began to move restlessly. "You know I love you more than anything, James."

"Olivia," he growled, shaking her arm. "Who the hell is James? Olivia?"

"Hmmm, our son, El," she murmured, trying to sink deeper into the pillow.

"Who?" he repeated, not understanding.

"James, our son, what's wrong with you, Elliot?" she repeated, nowhere near awake.

"James is our son," he echoed. "As in our baby?" he questioned as he rubbed her belly.

"Course," she said, settling into him. "Who'd'ya think..." was all she managed before she fell asleep once more.

.

Knowing that Olivia would be awake again soon for a bathroom trip, Elliot forced himself to stay awake. He wanted to know about James. Half an hour later Olivia awoke and, grumbling, got up from the bed and waddled into the bathroom. When she returned Elliot was sitting up in bed.

"Sorry, babe, did I wake you?" she asked, climbing in on his side of the bed.

"No, well, not right now, but you did earlier," he said, shifting over to give her some space.

"Why? What'd I do?" she asked, settling into his arms.

"You were talking to James," he said and smiled as her hand moved up under his beater.

"James who?" she asked. "I told you I don't know any James'."

"Well, you were talking to him in your sleep and, when I asked, you said he was our son," he explained and she looked up at him curiously.

"Our son?" she echoed, shaking her head.

"Yes, and you were saying how much you loved him, and that he was gorgeous," he explained, playing with her hair.

"James? It's not a name I would have picked," she said, shaking her head once more. "But...I do like it," she said with a smile. "James! What about you? What do you think?"

"I think it's a good strong name," he replied. "I like it."

Snuggling down into bed, Olivia used her husband's body as her pillow, and sighed contentedly; they were going to have a son called James. But James what?  
"Babe," she called, nudging him. "Can we give James your name too?"

"Didn't we just agree on James?" he asked, looking down at her.

"I mean James Elliot," she said and smiled. "It sounds so...I don't know, sounds perfect."

"James Elliot," Elliot repeated. It sounded good, it sounded strong, it sounded...familiar. "Hang on, isn't that the name of that actor you like?"

"Huh? Who? Oh, him," she said as a slow smile crossed her face, not pleasing Elliot in the least. "No, his name is David James Elliott, totally different," she said.

"Aha," he replied not all that convinced. "You're still smiling about him."

"Well, dress whites and gold wings," she said with a grin. "That man knew how to fill out a uniform."

"Bloody sailors!" he muttered disparagingly in a manner only marines understood.

"Well, I like James Elliot as a name," she said, reaching up and kissing his cheek. "But if you don't then we can pick something else..." Her eyes widened and lust filled her eyes, and it wasn't missed by Elliot. "There's this guy called Christopher Mel..."

"James Elliot it is."

.

With the name issue sorted, not that they told anyone else, wanting to keep something to themselves, Elliot fell asleep with his wife in his arms and wondered what the next day would bring. There seemed to be one thing after another at the moment.

Much to his relief, nothing happened. He went to work, Olivia came in for lunch, she went shopping, all was fine. Things changed the following day when Don had allowed him to go out on a call with Munch just to interview a witness.

Dickie called the precinct and Fin picked up Elliot's desk phone when it kept ringing.

"Hi Fin, is dad there?" he asked, when Fin had answered.

"Sorry, Dickie, he's just stepped out," he replied. "Somethin' up?"

"Yeah, it's mom again," he said and Fin frowned.

"Your mother, what's her problem?" he asked abruptly.

"I think it's just the pregnancy but dad said if she was upset or anything to give him a call and he'd decide whether he needed to come home or to just call her," Dickie explained and Fin grinned.

"Ah, that mom," he said. "Your dad did mention you were calling Livvy 'mom' these days."

"Oh, yeah, sorry, should have told you that," he said. "Anyway, I tried dad's cell and it went to voice so I called this number."

"What's up with Liv?" he asked. "Maybe I can help."

"Well, I don't know, Fin," Dickie said. "She was fine when we got in from school. We've got assignments to do for Social Studies and the topic is Family. Lizzie said she'd do the Stabler family, as something for Junior and I thought that maybe I could do the Benson side too – you know, so he has both sides."

Fin cringed. "And, ah, you told this to Liv?" he asked.

"Yeah, Lizzie did and mom kinda freaked out. Kept saying something about families or having no family or something. We couldn't quite work it out but 'no' was a definite word she kept using," he said, the depth of his concern evident in his voice.

"Where is she now?" he asked, beckoning Don from his office.

"She ran upstairs – she's either in her room or the nursery," Dickie replied. "So you think dad just needs to ring or..."

"No, son, definitely needs to come home for this one," he replied, knowing that Elliot's children were unaware of Olivia's origins.

"Can Don get him to come home, soon? I mean I can hear her crying from here," he said looking up the stairs.

"He'll work on it. Meanwhile, I'm on my way," he said.

"Thanks, Fin."

Fin had been up in the nursery for forty seven minutes before Elliot arrived home. He hadn't succeeded in doing anything but stopping her from crying and he only did that by sitting on the floor next to her and holding her tightly. His attempts at conversation had failed, his attempt to talk to himself was thwarted when she started crying again, and so, in the end, he held her and kissed her head and crossed his fingers that Elliot would come home soon.

Using Munch as the go-between, Elliot had been informed of the happenings at home and Munch drove him straight there.

"Nursery," was all Dickie had to say when Elliot opened the front door.

Easing the nursery door open, he was relieved his wife wasn't the hysterical mess he'd been anticipating. Sitting on the floor on the other side of her, Fin winked at him before easing Olivia into her husband's arms.

"Livvy, just so you know," Fin whispered before kissing her head. "You've got all the family you need."

After a few moments alone, Olivia threaded her arm around Elliot's waist.

"You know what it was?" she whispered and felt him shake his head. "The twins are doing family studies and Dickie wants to do the Benson side," she continued, and Elliot nodded, he knew that much. "And it hit me that this baby is a Benson. He's going to inherit things from me ... things from ... from _them_..." she hissed. "And ... and ..."

"Okay, okay," he interrupted, not wanting Olivia to become too distressed. "This baby is also a Stabler and as such will inherit things from both of us – the good and bad."

"Poor kid," Olivia said with a pout, trying to fight her tears. "I guess I wasn't quite ready to think about my own conception – I mean, this one..." she said, tenderly rubbing her belly, "was conceived in love and is wanted and is already so loved and it's far removed from my own beginnings."

"But you are so loved and wanted now," he reminded her, kissing her head.

"Yeah, I know," she said, sighing deeply. "But what's this kid going to think of me... what are the other kids going to think of me, when they know the truth?"

"They are going to love you just as much as they already do and will think you are the bravest, most incredible person they have ever met – just like I do," he said gently, kissing her nose.

"I love you so much, El," she said, holding him tightly.

"And I love you too, babe," he said as he caressed her face.

"Thank you for putting up with me," she whispered, and shifted in his arms.

"Well, it's the least I can do. After all, you've put up with me for a decade and I know I was much harder to deal with than you are," he said, with a soft laugh.

"True," she said. "But I don't like me like this."

"Well, I love you like this – I love you anyway you are," he reassured her.

"Are we okay?" she asked hesitantly.

"We're more than okay," he replied, kissing her head.

"Can you tell the kids?" she asked quietly. "Don't think I can ... don't think I can even be there."

"I'll take care of it, babe," he replied, standing up and pulling her up to him.

.

The following night, after organising for Casey to take his wife out to dinner, and calling Kathleen to come home for the evening, Elliot sat his children around the kitchen table and told them Olivia's story. He tried to do it with as much honesty as he could. He told them of her being a product of rape, and how that had affected her whole life. He told them of her mother's alcoholism and the abusive upbringing and how that made her both stronger and vulnerable all at once. He told them of her mother's death and how it left a lifetime of pain unresolved. While he tried to keep the emotion to a minimum and go with the facts, the knowledge he was imparting was overwhelming for them all and as he looked around the table they were all in tears.

"Guess that explains it," Dickie said, wiping his face and moving to the sink to get some water.

"Explains what, son?" he asked, following him across the room.

"Why Liv-mom was always saying it was alright to love and hate mom-mom at the same time," he said, and Elliot nodded.

"Yeah," he agreed.

"And how despite everything mom had done to Liv, that she was always supportive of us speaking to mom or going to see her," he continued.

"Guess she didn't want us to have the same sense of regret she has," Lizzie offered, coming over to her dad and brother.

"What can we do for Olivia?" Maureen asked as she and Kathleen came over to the others and leant against the counter.

"Just love her," Elliot said as Kathleen wrapped her arms around him.

"Well, that's easy," she said, resting her head on her father's shoulder. "But what else?"

"I don't know," he replied. "I think the biggest thing is understanding – with the pregnancy hormones her emotions are all over the place and she's got so much stuff going on in her head and her body she just doesn't know how to deal with it all."

"And she's had all the stuff with you too," Dickie said. "Not to mention my stuff, and what mom added to it."

"Yeah," said Maureen. "She's been through a hell of a lot – all her life. No wonder..."

"No wonder what?" Elliot asked when her voice trailed.

"Doesn't matter," she said, shaking her head.

"Yes it does, 'no wonder' what?" he prompted as the others all looked at their eldest sister.


	56. Chapter 56

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

Maureen hated being the centre of attention but knew that now she had started her father wouldn't let her get away without the rest of the explanation.

"No wonder, what?" Elliot repeated firmer and louder.

"The other day when I called in to see mom in the middle of the day, she was sitting on the sofa crying her heart out. I asked her what was wrong and she handed me the brochure from the postal service about deadlines for Christmas post," Maureen said, and then took a deep breath. "I couldn't figure out what that had to do with anything and it turns out it had nothing to do with the post itself, just the notion of Christmas. Anyway, a lot of tears, tissues and a cup of tea later she tried to explain it all – and it now only made sense."

"What did she explain?" asked Dickie, hoisting himself up to sit on the bench.

"Well," started Maureen slowly, looking up at her dad. "She said she was just feeling overwhelmed. She used the analogy of saying it was like never having gotten the very thing you wanted for your birthday or Christmas your whole life and suddenly getting everything at once – but as much as you wanted to celebrate, that there was this real threat of you losing it all in the blink of an eye and you'd be worse off than you ever were – because before when you had nothing, you knew no better but once you did and it was gone and you had nothing, you knew just what you had lost."

"Except it wasn't an analogy at all," Kathleen said, tearfully. "It's the story of her life. She never once got anything, not even love, and now, when she finally has everything she's ever wanted, it's under the threat of cancer taking it all from her."

"Dad," Lizzie said, the tears streaming down her face once more. "Mom is such a beautiful person, how come this all had to happen to her?"

"I don't know, Liz," he replied, holding her tightly. "I honestly don't know."

"It's so not fair," Dickie added, tears stinging his eyes.

"No, it's not, son," Elliot replied. "But Olivia doesn't feel sorry for herself and she definitely doesn't want you feeling sorry for her either."

"Does she know you're telling us?" Maureen asked, rubbing Dickie's arm.

"Yes, after yesterday she thought you should know, but she just couldn't do it, nor could she be here for it and she's sorry about that, she's just too emotional at the moment," Elliot explained, looking up at the clock. "Now, she should be home soon and all these tears need to be gone, okay?"

"Yes, dad," came the chorused reply.

"I know Livvy doesn't want to talk about it," said Dickie, as he hopped down from the counter. "So, can you just tell her that I'm sorry we brought it up and I love her very much?"

"Don't be sorry, son, it was going to come out one day," he said, hugging his boy. "As for the other part, that's Liv home now, maybe you can tell her on your way up to bed."

.

Olivia and Casey entered the kitchen laughing, testament to their great dinner together, but stopped quickly when they saw the faces of the kids in the kitchen. Olivia took a deep breath and stared at Elliot, not daring to look at anyone else. Quickly, he let go of Lizzie and padded over to his wife.

"Did you have a good dinner?" he asked, wrapping her in his arms and leaning down to kiss her tenderly. "Let me guess, you had the Caesar Salad followed by chocolate mousse," he announced, pulling back and licking his lips.

"Good guess," she said, a small smile on her lips.

"Guess, my ass," Casey chided. "With a kiss like that I'm sure you could tell you whether she still had her tonsils or not." She walked over to the kids. "Hey there," she said. "Anyone else for coffee?"

"No, thanks, Casey," Maureen said, "I have to drop Kathleen back at college and go home."

"No, thanks," said Dickie, "Lizzie and I have to get to bed; we have a test first thing."

"Well, it looks like just you and me, El. Tea, Liv?" Casey asked, rubbing Lizzie's arm as she fought her tears.

"Sounds great, Case," Elliot said, still holding onto his wife.

.

After a few moments of unease, Maureen announced they were leaving and the goodbyes were quick and as normal as they could muster. Elliot looked at Lizzie and she yawned for effect before she and Dickie said goodnight to Casey, then she padded over to her parents and Elliot could feel Olivia's heart begin to pound against her ribs.

"Night, dad, night mom," she said, wrapping an arm around each and hugging them both.

"Night, baby girl," Elliot said, kissing her head,

"Night, Liz," Olivia said, kissing her cheek.

"Love you so much, mom," she whispered into Olivia's ear before kissing her.

Elliot held his wife a little tighter.

As Lizzie departed, Dickie came over to say goodnight. After he let them go, he padded over to the kitchen door before turning around and coming back to Olivia and wrapping his arms around her.

"I love you so much, Liv, mom," he said, hugging her as tightly as the baby bump would allow.

"Love you too, Dickie," Olivia replied tearfully.

"And I want to thank you," he said, pulling back from her.

"For what?" she whispered, a huge lump in her throat.

"For everything," he said just as quietly. "For taking care of dad, for loving him like you do, for loving us like you do, for being so supportive of everything we want to do, for ... for ... for understanding the way we feel about mom and what she did ... for everything."

Without words to express herself, Olivia hugged Dickie once more and held him tightly.

.

Finally, after Dickie had pulled away and gone up to bed, Olivia looked at Elliot and Casey who both had tears in their eyes.

"I think I'll skip the coffee," Casey said, "I think you two need some time."

"Thanks, Casey," Elliot said, as she walked past and patted his back. "Dinner was great, Liv, we should do it again, soon."

"Yes, it was," Olivia replied, taking her eyes off her husband for a moment. "I really appreciate it."

When Casey had gone, Olivia slipped into Elliot's arms and she drew a deep breath. He waited for the tears to start but they didn't. Kissing her head, Elliot leant down to study his wife's face.

"You okay?" he asked, cupping her face in his hand, his thumb swiping across her cheek.

"Yeah," she said with a sigh. "I think I'm just relieved it's done and they know. How'd it go?"

"As well as you'd expect," he said, sparing her the details.

"Okay," she said with a nod, not needing to hear anything else.

"Want me to take you to bed?" he asked and she nodded, slumping into his body. She was physically and emotionally exhausted and prayed for the day she wouldn't be.

.

.

.

September gave way to October and things settled for all the Benson-Stablers. Maureen and Olivia's birthdays were celebrated with low key dinners. Part time work was still the case for Olivia and Elliot, though Olivia's days were getting shorter as she struggled with the physical side of her advanced pregnancy. Lizzie had wanted to hold a baby shower for Olivia but she was against the idea. Frustrated by her plans being thwarted, Lizzie went to her dad to gain his support.

Waiting until Olivia had gone grocery shopping with Dickie and Maureen Lizzie wandered into the kitchen and sat down next to her father.

"Daddy," she began in a sing song voice.

"Yes, Lizzie," he replied in a similar manner, putting down the newspaper.

"I love you, daddy," she said, smiling broadly and fluttering her eyelashes.

"I love you too, Liz," he replied, smiling back. "What can I do for you?"

"Wellll, you know how I wanted to have a baby shower for mom?" she asked, and paused.

"Yes, I do," he said, wishing she'd get to the point.

"She said no, again," she said with a pout.

"I know you're disappointed, Liz," he said, crossing his arms. "But we've talked about this. Olivia doesn't want to put anyone to anymore trouble – you have all done so much with the house and with everything else in recent months, that she feels a shower would be too much."

"But, dad," she protested. "Having a baby shower is all part of having a baby, especially your first one, and it's not fair she misses out on it."

"I appreciate that, honey," he said, patting his daughter's hand. "But Liv was adamant that she didn't want to come home one day and find a party just for her."

"Okay, okay," Lizzie said, throwing up her hands and getting up from the table; she'd heard the argument enough times.

.

After taking four steps towards the door she spun suddenly, her face lighting up at her bolt of inspiration.

"Dad, mom has only said no in that way, hasn't she?" she asked and Elliot was lost. "As in 'I don't want to come home one day and find a party just for me', right?"

"Yes, that's right," he said, nodding.

"So, technically, if we didn't have it at home, wasn't in the day time, and wasn't just a shower, we wouldn't be going against her wishes. Now, would we?" she questioned, smiling broadly.

"Lizzie," he said in a warning tone. "You know full well what she meant."

"We'll solve this," she said, padding over to the phone and hitting a number on the speed dial.

While Elliot didn't know who she was calling, he had a fair idea and as she explained the situation and her thinking, he knew he was right. He couldn't help but smile at his daughter's persistence and dedication to the cause. After Lizzie had hung up the receiver she turned back to her father and grinned.

"Casey says from a legal standpoint I'm right, I wouldn't be doing anything against mom's expressed wishes," she recited happily. "She also said that I'd be risking mom in an unhappy momma mode if I did it but she thinks mom would actually appreciate something special so she'd help me."

"Well, doesn't look like I'm going to stop things," Elliot said, standing and padding over to his daughter. "On the record, as far as your mother's concerned, I know nothing about this, okay?" he said, and Lizzie nodded. "Off the record, I love that you're doing this for Livvy and I love you very much."

Making the plans were quite easy in the end for Lizzie after enlisting the help of her sisters and Casey. Maureen had already planned on having a small Halloween Party to christen her reign in the apartment and Olivia had already agreed to go. So, all three conditions were met; it wasn't at their home, it wasn't in the day, and it wasn't just a shower.

It was to be a costume party and this provided Olivia with a major obstacle. After a day of searching in costume shops with the girls, two weeks before the party, Olivia came home with Lizzie dejected.

"How'd it all..." Elliot started before seeing her pout. "Not too good, hey?"

"No," she grumbled. "The girls all found great costumes but they had none for whales like me!"

"Oh, Livia, you're nearly 38 weeks pregnant, you're beautiful," he said, holding his arms open and waiting for her to come to him.

"I'm sooo fat," she complained coming over to him and resting her weary body against his.

"You're gorgeous," he whispered, kissing her head.

"Maybe I'll paint stripes on me and go as a beach ball, I'm already inflated," she grumbled and Elliot laughed before he saw the tears in her eyes, she was serious.

"Come sit with me, Liv," he said, sitting in the armchair and pulling her onto his lap.

"I'll crush you," she said, resisting his efforts to tug her over.

"I'll take my chances," he said, and she sat on his lap and cuddled into him. "I think you are incredibly beautiful and very sexy," he whispered before kissing her head.

"Thank you," she mouthed, just over it all.

.

Poking her head out from the kitchen door, Lizzie called out to her parents.

"I'm going to make an ice cream sundae, do either of you want one?" she asked.

"I do," Olivia replied before changing her mind. "No, I don't."

"Was that a yes or no, mom?" she asked, coming into the living room.

"It was yes I want one but I shouldn't otherwise I'll hit the ten tonne mark, so no," she said, shaking her head.

"I'll have one, please," Elliot said and Olivia eyed him curiously, she couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten ice cream. "We can share, Liv," he said, before kissing her cheek. "You eat the ice cream and I'll put on the calories." She loved him all the more.

.

By the time Elliot came home from work the next day, Olivia was in a much brighter mood – she'd found the perfect outfit, thanks to a shopping expedition with Casey – though it was only for after the party.

"You're happy, sweetheart," Elliot observed, kissing her head and hugging her from behind as she prepared the vegetables for dinner.

"I am," she said and leant back, craning her head around for a proper kiss.

"What did you get when you were out with Casey?" he asked, grabbing a piece of carrot and chomping on it.

"Nothing you can see yet?" she said, adding a saucy wink which made him all kinds of excited.

"Oh," he pouted, hoping she'd take pity on him, but he was out of luck.

"Have you decided on your costume?" she asked and he shook his head.

"You know I don't like dressing up in costumes," he said, pulling her closer.

"No, but you do like role playing. You made a great cowboy last night," she said, raising an eyebrow. "Ride 'em cowboy!"

"You were the one doing the riding, Liv," he whispered hoarsely before nibbling on her ear.

"And a great ride it was too," she said, whimpering when he found her weak spot.

"When are the twins home?" he growled, this encounter developing a life of its own.

"Not until six," she reported. "Lizzie had choir and Dickie's going to wait for her."

"Well, you up for another ride?" he asked, but as she was already unbuttoning his shirt, it was a redundant question.

"_Yeehaw_!" she called and led him upstairs.

**AN: There will be a slight delay with the upcoming chapters, as, for the first time in this story, I have none in my stockpile. Since my illness earlier in the year I have had problems with my eyes and picked up glasses last night which will hopefully make the whole process far easier and less painful than it has been for about the last forty chapters. Thanks for your patience in advance.**


	57. Chapter 57

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

**Thanks for all your good wishes and** **thanks to *coughs* to my fav real life crime fighting machine Fi for her help with this chapter....**

In the end, it had been Elliot who had organised the Halloween costumes and had kept them a surprise until the Saturday afternoon before that night's party. Olivia had questioned him and searched for days, but had turned up nothing, in the end she had given up.

"Well," she demanded impatiently when he came into the bedroom.

"Well, what, Liv?" he replied, though he knew full well what she was on about.

"I've had my nap, I've showered, when do I get to see the costume?" she questioned, narrowing her eyes as he smirked at her impatience.

"Right now, honey," he replied, moving to the cupboard and taking down a box.

"It was here? All along? How the hell did I miss that?" she grumbled, her hands on her hips.

"Yep," he said, carrying it to the bed. "Hiding in plain sight."

"Damn," she muttered, opening the box. "What are we going as?"

Pulling out the white bundles, Elliot passed one to Olivia.

"We're going as linen?" she questioned, unfolding the sheet.

"Not quite, babe," he said. "Ghosts!" he announced proudly. "I'm going as Casper and you'll be Wendy." Expecting his wife to be happy, he was more than concerned when her eyes filled with tears and her lip started trembling. "What is it?" he asked, wrapping his arms around her.

"You do think I'm fat and ugly and want to hide me under a sheet," she said, ducking her head, not wanting to look at him.

"I don't think that at all, baby," he said, gently, kissing his head. "I think you are absolutely gorgeous. Casper Meets Wendy was a movie the twins loved when they were little and I thought you'd feel more comfortable in something that wasn't restrictive." He sat on the bed and pulled her onto his lap. "But we don't have to wear it; we don't have to dress up at all, if you're not up to it."

"I'm sorry," she muttered into his neck. "I don't mean to be a mess."

"Don't apologise, Liv, it's okay, really it is," he replied, raising her face and kissing her nose. "And just in case you think that I don't think you're sexy, check what else is in the box."

Reaching over, Olivia pulled the cardboard box closer, dipped her hand in and retrieved a much smaller parcel wrapped in blue tissue paper.

"What is it?" she asked as she looked at her husband.

"Well, I thought you could either wear it under your costume, or tonight when we go to bed," he whispered, kissing her shoulder.

Quickly unwrapping the parcel and finding the most gorgeous red satin and lace baby-doll and matching panties, Olivia burst into tears once more.

"You don't like it?" he asked, frustrated he couldn't seem to do anything right at the moment.

"Love it," she mumbled, climbing off him and heading to her drawers. "You know how I said I got something when I went out with Casey?" Elliot nodded, following her across the room. "Look what I got!"

From the second drawer, Olivia pulled out the exact same outfit.

"I thought I'd surprise you after the party," she said, smiling through her tears.

"Great minds," he replied, pulling her close and kissing her.

"Thank you," she said, when he had pulled back marginally.

"For what?" he asked, trailing kisses down her neck.

"For everything; for being you," she replied, hooking her arms around his neck.

"You're more than welcome, baby," he said, nibbling on her shoulder. "Now, the twins went to Mo's ages ago and the party starts in two hours. What's say we lay down for half an hour and just chill, hey?"

"Sounds good to me," she replied, wearily.

They were twenty minutes late arriving at the apartment and Elliot studied Olivia's face on the ride up in the elevator.

"What?" she asked when she realised she was being studied.

"What are you thinking?" he asked, squeezing her hand.

"Feels strange coming here and it not being home," she said, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Do you miss living here?" he asked, they really hadn't been back since the move.

"No, I love the house, it's my home ..." she said, standing up straight as the doors slid open.

"Good to hear," he said, stopping once they got to the apartment door.

"This just feels a little strange, you know?" she said, tilting her head.

"Yeah, I get that," he replied, giving her a quick kiss of reassurance. "Are you feeling alright, Liv? You just seem a little off today?" he asked, pulling back, concerned by the frequent creasing of her brow.

"Yeah, I'm just really tired and uncomfortable today," she said, with a sigh. "But only eight days to go, right?"

"Right!" he agreed. "We don't have to stay here too long, okay? Just tell me when you're ready to go."

"I'm ready to go," she echoed, with a wry smile.

"Well, maybe we should at least say hello," he said, knowing the effort the girls had put into this Halloween Baby Shower.

"Okay, if you insist," she said, knocking on the door. "I guess the kids deserve to see you in this, right, Casper?"

Lizzie opened the door dressed as Morticia Addams and grinned widely.

"Don't you look so cute, Casper!" she gushed over her father and Olivia chuckled at the embarrassed expression on her husband's face. "Don't you think, mom?"

"Oh, I think he looks very cute!" she agreed and Elliot muttered something.

"You look good too, mom," Lizzie added, threading her arm through Olivia's and walking her into the apartment. "Now, sit down and I'll get you something to drink."

Instead of sitting, Olivia leant against the sofa, her back sore. Not wanting to draw attention to her discomfort, Elliot stood alongside her and gently rubbed her back.

"You sure you're okay?" he whispered, knowing she was feeling worse than she was letting on.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," she said, taking the drink her son handed her. "Thanks, Dickie, or should I say Jack Sparrow."

"Glad you guessed it, mom," he said, with a grin just like his father's.

"I think you look great, doesn't he, El?" she asked, leaning her head on his shoulder.

"He does, very ...cool," he said, not too sure of the adjective he was after.

"Cool?" Dickie questioned.

"Hip? Groovy?" Elliot offered.

"Just how old are you, dad?" he asked with a chuckle and Elliot playfully hit his arm as Dickie walked away.

Taking the opportunity to scan the living room, the one that was hers for so long, Olivia was surprised to find herself smiling; she didn't miss this place or the memories it held in the least. While Maureen hadn't done any renovations to it, and the furniture was unchanged, it definitely had Maureen's eclectic touch.

"What are you smiling at?" Elliot whispered, still rubbing her back.

"I like what Mo's done with the place," she replied, leaning into him.

"Yeah, the decorations are pretty good," he said, pointing to the various Halloween paraphernalia strewn around the room.

"Yeah, those too," she agreed, threading her arm around his waist.

Over the next fifteen minutes more people arrived and Olivia could only laugh at the costume choices.

"What's so funny, mom?" Maureen asked as she refilled their drinks.

"The costumes," she replied, tugging on Maureen's sleeve.

"But you said this was good in the shop," she said defensively, referring to the Tinkerbelle costume she was wearing.

"It is, honey, it is," she replied quickly, rubbing her arm. "I was referring to that!"

Maureen turned to see what Olivia was looking at and couldn't help but laugh at Fin and Munch who were standing just inside the door having arrived about five minutes apart and obviously hadn't discussed costumes for the night – both turned up as Dracula and neither was impressed. Before their 'discussion' got out of hand, Casey arrived and their attention was immediately diverted. Coming as Catwoman, Casey's skin tight black vinyl outfit left very little to the imagination and instantly neither Fin nor Munch could remember their issue.

"Now, come and sit down," Kathleen issued, coming from the kitchen with a small box and Elliot pulled up a dining chair for Olivia to sit on, the sofa way to low for her.

"Who are you supposed to be?" asked Elliot of his second eldest daughter.

"Samantha Stevens, from Bewitched, dad. You know..." she said twitching her nose.

"Oh, okay," he said, nodding, although he hadn't the faintest idea who or what Bewitched was.

When most were sitting down, Olivia scanned the room, something wasn't quite adding up. The only people around were those who were nearest and dearest to her, except for Don who was yet to arrive. Being Maureen's first party she would have expected a few of her friends and work colleagues.

"Something wrong, mom?" she asked, when she caught Olivia staring at her.

"No," she replied with a shake of her head. "Just wondering where your friends were."

"They'll be here later," Lizzie said, jumping up to answer the knock at the door. "Halloween Party doesn't start til nine."

"Nine? I thought it was seven," she countered, looking to Elliot.

"We didn't think you'd last til nine, mom," Kathleen said perching on the arm of the sofa. "So we thought we'd start with a family thing first."

Before Olivia could respond the newest guest had arrived and laughter abounded.

"I'm not impressed," Don grumbled before anyone could speak.

"About what, boss?" asked Fin, biting down on bottom lip. "I think you make a great Yoda."

"Yeah, Don," added Munch. "Very ...ah, appropriate. _Yoda_ was one of the most renowned and powerful Jedi Masters in galactic history, who was known for his legendary wisdom, mastery of the Force and..."

"Can it!" he grumbled, "When Lizzie phoned yesterday and quizzed me about my costume I had to admit I didn't have one. This landed on my desk at six tonight with a note that said I now had no excuse and I was expected to wear it. She's definitely her father's daughter."

"That's my baby girl," Elliot said beaming as he hugged his current youngest child.

Attempting to sit back in the armchair, Don's plans were thwarted by the rather larger ears protruding from his head. In the end, he sat forward and look around, raising an eyebrow when he realised Fin and Munch were wearing similar costumes.

"Two-for-one deal?" he asked with a chuckle.

"No!" Fin snapped before shaking his head. Munch just laughed. The truth was it wasn't an accidental match. He'd overheard Fin on the phone with Izzy's Costume Hire confirming a Count Dracula costume and decided to ditch his original choice of Oscar the Grouch and go as Dracula himself, just to mess with Fin. Not that he'd ever admit that to Fin of course.

Pulling up a chair next to his wife, Elliot took hold of her hand and smiled at the humour he saw in her eyes. As he studied her, he watched her brow crease once more as she flinched and he knew that whatever she said, this was more than just being uncomfortable.

"Everything okay?" he asked in a whisper, taking the opportunity to kiss her ear.

"Yeah," she replied. "Just uncomfortable."

"You sure that's all it is?" he questioned, his hand slipping behind her to rub her lower back.

"Yeah, I am," she replied with a tired smile. "Hey, El," she added, tilting her head to the left. "You think you should speak to your son about not being so obvious."

Slowly, Elliot turned in his chair to find Dickie standing behind the sofa, his eyes glued on Casey and every little move she was making. The zipper at the front of her costume ending at such a depth to give an unhindered view of the very things that most teenage boys, hell, most men, dream about...As a man, he couldn't fault his boy's attraction, not that he'd admit it to his wife, however, as a good friend of the ADA he knew he should stop the boy drooling and embarrassing everyone.

"Dickie," he called and the boy's head shot up, guilt across his face. "You think you can get me a soda?"

"Yeah, sure, dad," he replied quickly before scurrying off.

"Can't blame him, can you, El?" whispered Fin who was quickly on the end of sharp glare from a very unimpressed Olivia. "Sorry, Livvy."

After Dickie had returned and sat with his sisters, across the room from Casey, Lizzie stood up and fetched a rectangular flat box from the sideboard.

"Now, that we're all here, we should start," she began seeking out her mom before unhitching a banner attached to a Halloween one and opening it up. 'Baby Shower' it exclaimed. "Now, mom, I know you didn't want a fuss but if you think about it, there's nothing we've done against your expressed wishes. You didn't want to 'come home one day and find a party just for you', right?" she asked, using air quotes.

"Right," Olivia answered nodding.

"Well, as you would agree, it's not at home, it's not day time and it's not just for you, right?" she asked again.

"Right," Olivia answered nodding again.

"And I wanted to do something special for you because you are such a great mom and deserve to have something special," Lizzie said, padding over to Olivia and standing in front of her. "So, are you alright with this?" she asked when she saw Olivia's tears.

"Yeah, I am. Thank you, honey," Olivia said, hugging her.

"Told you, dad!" Lizzie said, poking her tongue out at him.

"Definitely her father's daughter," Don muttered.

"You knew about this?" Olivia asked Elliot, as Lizzie crossed back.

"Only off the record," he admitted, grinning when she kissed his cheek.

Opening the box, Lizzie took out paper and pens for all before distributing them.

"This one's easy," she explained. "It's nearest the pin. You need to note the date and time of Junior's arrival, and you can add a message if you like. These will all be kept in this envelope..." she explained holding up the yellow envelope "...until Junior arrives."

For a few minutes there was silence save for the sound of pens scribbling away. When Elliot was finished he read over his entry and grinned before folding it in half and kissing it.

"What did you write?" Olivia asked, placing her pen in her lap.

"Not telling," he replied with a smile. "What did you write?"

Handing him her entry, Olivia had written 'November 7th 4:15 PM'

"Now, tell me what you wrote," she said, leaning into him.

"Nope, you can read it when I win," he said confidently.

"And what makes you think you'll win?" she asked.

"I know things," he said with a wink. "Just you wait."

Taking the opportunity of a lull in proceedings, Elliot placed a light kiss on her lips before adding a little pressure and smiling when Olivia kissed him back.

"Not now, you guys," Lizzie said dramatically. "You'd think you'd have had enough of that ... isn't it enough you traumatised Dickie, do you need to do it to everyone?"

Elliot was sure his heart had stopped and while everyone else was chuckling, Olivia wasn't.

"What is she talking about?" Olivia hissed as she pulled him closer.

"I'll tell you later," Elliot said, trying to avoid eye contact.

"Tell me now," she pushed, squeezing his hand tightly.

"Later," he said, trying to pry her fingers from his hand. "Please?"

"You'd better!"


	58. Chapter 58

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction.**

As the allotted party time was short, Lizzie wanted to cram as much in as possible so she was running the games with military like precision.

"Okay, so our first game is place the baby on the mommy. For this game we need a picture of mom," she explained and pointed as Dickie hung the large photo of Olivia on the wall. "Now, everyone find the baby with their name on it and read the number – that's the order we're going in. Now, the object of this game is simple –after being blindfolded and spun around three times, you have to try and put the baby where it belongs – right here in mom's stomach. Who's first?"

Ten minutes later, after a lot of laughs, Olivia had her turn last and managed to stick the baby on her head.

"Well, better than yours, Case," she remarked, tapping Casey's whose baby had missed the picture completely.

After careful inspection, and after a dispute from Munch, Elliot was declared the winner.

"That's not fair," Munch protested. "He had a distinct advantage."

"And what was that, old man?" asked Fin, his good humour returned.

"He's the one that put the kid in there – probably in the dark. Of course he'd know how to find it!" Munch retorted.

Olivia laughed so hard she had to use the bathroom.

"This next game," Lizzie explained as Olivia settled herself into her chair. "Is guess the mommy's tummy size. The ball of string is there and the scissors...just cut off the length you think would fit around mom's tummy."

"And be kind or else," Olivia said with mock seriousness.

When everyone had cut their piece, Lizzie picked up a skein of baby blue coloured wool and got Olivia to stand. Measuring around her, she used the blue wool as the official length and measured the other's lengths against it.

Don's string was way too short and Olivia thought that maybe he was just trying to spare her feelings. Munch's was on the short side too, while Casey's and the kids were all longer than the blue wool. Fin's was only five centimetres out while Elliot's was within a centimetre.

"Unfair advantage," Munch chuckled from the back of the room.

"Well, I'd be a bit worried if any of you knew my wife's body better than me!" Elliot said laughing.

After a few other activities, Lizzie announced the last game of the night as Maureen moved to blindfold Olivia. Once the blindfold was in place, Kathleen came from the kitchen carrying a tray of five diapers, each with a different variety of Gerber's baby food smeared into the middle of it. Having warmed the food first, each diaper had the presentation of a used one, though the smell was much better.

"Now, mom, all you have to do is identify each baby food, okay?" she said as she picked up the first one. "Put your hand out."

"It's a diaper," Olivia said as she tentatively touched it.

"Glad you know that much, Liv," Casey said with a chuckle.

Taking a sniff, Olivia declared it to be apple, which Dickie duly noted. Number two, Olivia couldn't work out and Munch told her to taste it – which she did, causing her audience to groan at the sight it provided. It was lamb and vegetables. Number three was Vegetable chicken and four was banana but try as she may, Olivia couldn't identify the last one.

"I give up," she said, pulling off her blindfold and grimacing when she saw the diapers in front of her. "What is it?"

"Pumpkin pie," Kathleen answered.

"Since when do babies eat pumpkin pie?" Elliot asked, rubbing Olivia's back.

"They don't but mom's too good a detective and I thought I'd throw something else in the mix," she replied, placing the diapers back on the tray. "The first four were spot on!"

Food, drinks, merriment and a few trick or treator's interrupting, and Olivia was ready to call it a night.

"Before you go," Lizzie said, taking her arm and sitting her back on the chair. "We all know your thoughts about presents, you have made it clear lots of times that the baby has enough and not to buy him anything else. So, you'll be pleased to know we didn't buy Junior anything."

"Thank you," Olivia said, squeezing her hand.

"What we did, however," Lizzie continued and Olivia groaned. "Is pool our money – that is all of us here," she amended, gesturing towards the squad. "And came up with this." She handed Olivia an envelope.

Slowly, Olivia opened the envelope and as her brow creased, Elliot padded across to her.

"What is it?" he asked, scanning the document in his wife's hand.

"It's a luxury weekend away – most places call them Babymoons but it's too close to Junior coming to do it now but that voucher is good for two years, so there's plenty of time for you to make use of it."

Hugs and kisses were exchanged all around and some thirty minutes later, Olivia and Elliot finally made it into the elevator.

"Exhausted," Olivia said with a sigh, slumping against him as they rode to the ground floor.

"I'll get you home to bed as soon as possible, baby," Elliot soothed, holding her and kissing her head.

"Good," she muttered, before yawning.

Once secured in the car and heading back to Parkville, Olivia turned in her seat and stared at her husband.

"What's up, babe?" he asked when he realised she was watching him.

"How did we traumatise Dickie and why am I the only one who doesn't seem to know?" she asked slowly and Elliot shook his head.

"I was hoping you'd have forgotten about that," he said, reaching over and taking her hand.

"Nope! Spill!" she said.

"Well, you know when we were at the lake and I told you Dickie had had a dream about you?" Elliot started. "Well, he actually walked in on us the night before."

"He saw us having sex?" Olivia restated, her eyes wide but still focused firmly on her husband.

"Well, not technically; we had no condoms remember...but he thought that's what he saw and it was close enough," Elliot replied, his eyes firmly fixed on the road ahead.

"Shit!" she muttered.

"Ah, yeah," he agreed.

"So how come I'm the only one who didn't know," she said still watching him.

"Dickie told Mo, Mo told me – guess they told the others," he answered, chancing a glance in her direction.

"And when exactly were you going to tell me?" she asked, pulling her hand from his.

"When I was about 103 and didn't have to worry about you about never having sex with me again," he said earnestly.

"Humpf," she scoffed, turning in her seat and facing away from him.

"Seriously, Liv, I knew you were always reluctant about having sex with the kids in the house, I just thought if you knew we may never have sex again," he said, pulling up at the traffic lights.

"Not why I scoffed," she said, shaking her head.

"Then why did you?" he asked, tugging at her arm to get her to turn back..

"Because you think just because you're 103 I won't be having sex with you. So long as there is life in your body, we'll be having sex... regardless of how old we get," she said, well aware this was the first time in a long time he'd mentioned living a long life.

"Well, there's life in my body right now," he said, quirking an eyebrow. "What about tonight?"

"You're on," she said.

Changed out of her costume and into the baby-doll Elliot had given her, Olivia reappeared in the bedroom and waddled more than sashayed across to the bed where Elliot was waiting.

"God, you're gorgeous, Livia," he said with a shy smile as she climbed into his side of the bed and nudged him over before nestling beside him and sighing deeply. "Do you prefer this side of the bed?" he asked, knowing she had climbed into his side on many occasions in recent weeks.

"Nope, not really," she said with another sigh. "Just takes too long to make it around the bed to my side."

Leaning down, Elliot brushed kisses across her face before kissing her tenderly. Taking things slowly, he was trying to figure out if Olivia was really up for sex. It was plain to see she was exhausted, he knew she said she was uncomfortable but there was something else at play here and he believed Olivia was in labour – actually, he'd put money on it. After trying a few different tacks to see what Olivia was really thinking, he had to concede she wasn't thinking along the same lines as he was.

"Elliot," she said, caressing his face. "You've asked me the same question six different ways. I'm okay – I can last the eight days. Unless you know something I don't know," she said with a laugh.

"Well, actually, Liv," he said, drawing her face up to his. "I think you're in labour, honey."

"Labour?" she scoffed. "I don't think so."

"I do," he replied softly. "You've been having twinges for the past twelve hours, you're very uncomfortable and you are getting 'pains' every four minutes now."

"Yeah, but they're not contractions, just muscle spasms," she contradicted. "I think I'd know if it was labour."

"Sometimes the early signs don't seem so evident, especially with your first," he explained as he ran his fingers through her hair.

"And since when did you become the birthing expert?" she asked sharply, forcing herself into a seated position.

"Never said I was an expert," he said, trying not to let this conversation get out of hand.

"No, you didn't," she retorted. "Just know more than me.... well, this is my body and I know what's happening and I am not in labour!"

"Okay, okay," he soothed. "My mistake, I'm sorry." Apologising he tugged at her arm to get her to lay with him once more.

"Just because Kathy probably knew it all doesn't mean I don't...I know this is my first not my fourth but you'd think I'd get credit for something," she grumbled under her breath and Elliot chose to ignore it.

For a while they lay still and just as Elliot drifted off, Olivia got up to get herself a drink. Standing in the kitchen Olivia gasped as her water broke and the gush of fluids splashed around her feet. For several minutes she stood still not knowing what to do – she thought about cleaning up the mess, she thought about waking Elliot, she thought about James' arrival being imminent, she thought about hating Elliot at this moment just for being right.

Not wanting to climb the stairs and trail fluids with her, Olivia grabbed the roll of paper towel and tried to clean herself up. Realising it wasn't really helping, she grabbed the phone and called Elliot's cell.

"Stabler," he moaned waking up.

"You were right!" she said, before taking a deep breath.

"Liv? Olivia?" he called sounding panicked. "Where the hell are you?"

"In the kitchen," she replied tearfully. "My water broke."

Almost instantly, Elliot was with her and couldn't help but grin at the nervous smile on her face.

"So, I was right," he said, moving to hug her.

"Yes, you were right," she snapped. " Happy now?"

"Well, not right now," he said calmly. "But I will be in a few hours when James is tucked tightly in your arms and I know you are both safe and well."

"Guess we should clean up and get to the hospital," she said, glancing at the clock.

"If you sit down here," he said, ushering her to a chair. "I'll clean up, get you some fresh clothes and your bag and get dressed and we'll be ready to go in ten minutes, okay?"

"Okay," she said nervously, not too sure about how ready she'd be.

True to his word, Elliot was helping Olivia into the car at the ten minute mark a little before eleven. The drive to Mt Sinai Hospital was a fairly quiet one with Olivia too busy thinking about what was going to happen and Elliot trying not to say anything that would stress or distress her at this moment.

"Do you think we should phone the kids?" she asked quietly as they pulled into the emergency bay.

"No, if we do they'll turn up right now," he said, before moving to help her out. "And I think that maybe this is something that we should do by ourselves. Yeah?"

"Yeah," Olivia agreed. Lizzie had been making plans about being at the hospital when the baby came and she was so enthusiastic that Olivia found it hard to say no. However, the truth was she wanted this to be just between her and her husband and hoped that one day Lizzie would understand.

Olivia was settled in a wheelchair in the emergency department waiting for Elliot to return from parking the car when she decided there was one person she needed to call.

"Hey, Don, it's Liv," she said, still watching for Elliot's return.

"Hi Olivia, is everything alright?" he asked, checking the time as he drove home from the party at Maureen's.

"Everything's good, or rather it will be. I just thought I'd give you some early notice that I'm in labour," she said, not quite believing this was all happening.

"That's wonderful!" he exclaimed. "So, not long now."

"No, I guess not," she replied quietly.

"You'll be fine, Liv. I promise you," he said gently. "God knows you've been through tougher things and look how well you've come through it."  
"Thanks, Don," she said, just needing his reassurance.

"Is there anything you need?" he asked.

"Not at the moment," she replied. "We're not telling anyone else as we just want this to be us but when he's here, Elliot will call you. Are you able to call Fin, John and Casey?"

"Grandpa can certainly do that."

Olivia was closing the phone as Elliot came back.

"Let me guess, Don?" he asked as he moved behind the wheelchair and started pushing it towards the elevators.

"Yeah, how did you know?" she asked surprised.

"You just needed a little reassurance from dad," he said before leaning down and kissing the top of her head.

"How do you know all this?" she asked, craning her head around to see him. "I mean knowing it was Don, knowing I was in labour, winning the baby games."

"Well, my darling wife," he said as he pushed her into the elevator and pressed the button for Maternity. "I have made it my life's mission to know everything I can about you," he said, squatting by the chair and kissing her hand.

"Do you know I love you very much?" she asked and he nodded. "Do you know I am afraid – not really of the birth, well, not just that, but everything that comes after that?"

"I know that too, babe," he said gently, swiping his thumb over the swell of her cheek. "Do you know that I love you?" he asked and she nodded. "Do you know that I think you are the most incredible person I know? That you are brave and courageous and daring and bold and absolutely beautiful and I have the utmost faith that you will be the most amazing mother to our son."

"How can you be so sure?" she asked in barely a whisper.

"Because you are already an amazing mother to the other four," he said kissing her lightly.

**AN:**

**_When I started writing this story mid 2008, it was to deal with my feelings and emotions as my dear friend, Michelle, fought her second bout of cancer. It was to express my thoughts and feelings that sometimes in life bad things happen to good people and despite all the thoughts, prayers and hopes, you don't always get what you want. It took me to January this year to even start posting it as it is such a personal piece and while it has become much longer than I ever thought, it is still telling the same story and is therapy of sorts for me. _**

**_Sadly, Michelle lost her battle last night._**

**_xox_**


	59. Chapter 59

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction ****~ it's hard to believe it's been six months already. Some scares will never heal.**

_**AN: Thank you to all those who in their review, by PM or email offered their sympathy and support at this sad time. I sincerely appreciate your kind thoughts and words. **_

_**And Fi, thanks for making me smile.**_

If one more person put their head between her legs and told her 'not long now' and 'just to relax' Olivia planned on crushing their head between her knees and engaging Casey to get her off on justifiable homicide. It was bad enough a procession of strangers seemed hell bent on poking and prodding her most private and sensitive areas; she could cope with that, but as the hour hand hit the four she decided that 'not long now' was a lie – a huge, outrageous lie!

Elliot was doing his best to walk the precarious line between supporting his wife and giving her enough space. When he sat in the armchair she yelled at him for being too far away, when he propped on the bed she yelled at him for being too close. Deciding then to stand within arm's reach of the bed, to cover both options, she yelled at him for being indecisive – the man just couldn't win.

Another nurse, another set of obs and things were 'proceeding nicely'.

"'Nicely' my ass," Olivia grumbled as the nurse departed. "What does she know?"

Elliot didn't reply thinking it was a rhetorical question.

"Well?" Olivia demanded. "What does she know? That last one said 'not long' – it's been long enough....so what does she know?"

"She seems competent enough," he said quietly.

"Ya think?" she replied with a roll of her eyes, and Elliot just shrugged. "God dammit!" she hissed as another contraction hit.

"Just remember your breathing," Elliot said taking her hand with one and brushing her hair back with the other. "Breathe."

"Like I'd forget to breathe, dumbass," she grumbled as the pain eased.

"I didn't mean..." he started to explain.

"Forget it," she said with a sigh, leaning back into the pillows. "I'm sorry."

"You need anything?" he asked, kissing her hand.

"For this to be over – I've had enough already," she said wearily.

"It'll be all worth it, babe," he replied gently.

"I do love you, Elliot," she said tearfully, feeling overwhelmed with it all.

"I know you do, Livia, and I love you very much," he whispered before kissing her head.

Taking the opportunity of his close proximity, Olivia tugged his shirt and pulled him onto the bed with her. Through the next few contractions he held and soothed her and waited for the change of mood that could see him booted off the bed and onto his butt if he wasn't careful...

"El," she said sometime after five. "You were right with the other games, what date / time did you guess for the birth?"

"Well," he said, craning his neck to check out the clock. "It's 5:21 AM now, if I'm correct, James will be here by 7:00."

"You picked 7:00 AM this morning? As in November 1st?" she asked in disbelief.

"Yep," he replied with a smug grin.

"Why didn't you give me a heads up?" she asked, clasping his shirt as another contraction hit.

"I tried, but you kept saying you weren't in labour. What was I to do?" he asked, resting his head on hers.

"I can be stubborn," she admitted.

"So can I," he said with a grin; wondering what they were in for if James' inherited both of their stubborn streaks.

With her labour progressing as it should, much to her chagrin – she thought it should all be over and done with by now – Olivia was getting more and more restless and more and more difficult for Elliot to comfort.

"Get the hell away from me!" she yelled as he came too close at the height of a contraction. "This is all your fault!!!"

"Well, you were there too, Livvy," he said, with a smile, trying to alleviate some of the tension and it backfired – big time!

"Get out! Get out now!!!" she screamed, causing the nurse to come running in.

"Ssh, shh, Olivia, you need to calm down," she said, rubbing Olivia's arm.

"Then get him to leave," she spat.

It took a few minutes but finally Elliot walked out of the room with the nurse.

"Look, Elliot, this is a fairly common response, in a few minutes she'll be crying for you to go back in. Try not to take it personally," said the nurse before she headed back to the station.

Feeling incredibly overwhelmed himself; Elliot leaned against the corridor wall before sliding to the floor and holding his head in his hands. Incredibly tired and emotional himself, Elliot had been trying to keep himself together for his wife's sake, however, given this short reprieve from being in her presence, he allowed his defences to fall.

Life had been a whirlwind for him, through his separation and in the two years he was divorced, he had done little but think and dream of Olivia and what a life with her would be like. Then he got sick and as a consequence got Olivia and baby with her he'd dreamed of. It was definitely the best and worst of times. As the treatments continued, along with the pregnancy, he developed the overwhelming fear that he wouldn't be around for Junior's birth – now that he was relegated to the corridor, he wondered if he'd been right all along and would miss the birth of his son.

He'd been sitting there a while when the nurse walked back into the room.

"Where's my husband?" Olivia asked her as she took her blood pressure again.

"Sitting outside in the corridor," came the reply.

"And is he okay?" she asked, surprised the man hadn't tried to come back in the thirty minutes which had elapsed.

"Honestly, I don't know, he seems broken up. I tried to talk to him about ten minutes ago and all he said was missing the birth had been his greatest fear," she said, as she felt for Olivia's pulse.

"Please get him to come back in," Olivia whispered as the nurse headed to the door.

Only a moment later, Elliot stood in the doorway, his eyes red and watery.

"I'm so sorry, baby," Olivia cried, holding out her arms for him. Caught in her own world of pain and fatigue she had forgotten about the tearful nights of Elliot's as he fought the cancer he feared would remove this opportunity from him.

"You sure?" he asked tentatively.

"Of course. I'm so sorry, El," she said as she wrapped her arms around his neck and held him to her. They were in this together, just like everything else in their lives.

"Love you so much, Liv," he whispered hoarsely as he kissed her neck.

"Love you too," she replied, kissing his cheek.

True to his father's prediction, James Elliot Benson – Stabler arrived at 7:06 AM on Sunday November 1st, 2009, weighing six pounds four ounces and measuring nineteen inches. Healthy, gorgeous and with a great set of lungs, the newborn infant bellowed loudly as the midwife placed the swiftly bundled baby onto Olivia's chest.

"My beautiful boy," she sobbed, pressing gentle kisses onto his crown. "You're so gorgeous, just like your daddy."

"Just like your mommy," Elliot corrected before kissing his wife and baby boy. "Thank you so much, Livia," he whispered before kissing her again. "Love you."

"Love you," she mumbled into his mouth before their attention was turned to the miracle in front of them.

While Olivia and the baby were both being cleaned up and resettled in the ward, Elliot took the opportunity to go the bathroom and wash his face before heading down to the chapel. After lighting two candles, one for Olivia, one for James, and offering up a prayer of thanks, he headed back up before stopping in the corridor and pulling out his phone.

"Hey, son," he said when Dickie answered Maureen's phone on the eighth ring.

"Dad, do you know what time it is?" he said with a yawn. "It's 7:45 _AM,_ we only went to bed a few hours ago."

"Sorry to disturb you," he said with a laugh. "Just thought you'd like to know your brother is here."

"Good, good," Dickie muttered before he realised what his father was actually saying. "You mean mom had the baby? Junior's here?"

"Yes, he arrived at 7:06 and he's perfect," Elliot enthused, his heart filled with pride.

"And is mom okay?" Dickie asked quickly now very alert.

"She's tired but very happy," he replied, grinning to himself.

"When can we come in?" he asked.

"Visiting hours aren't until 2:00 PM but I asked the nurse and she said anytime after 12:00 would be fine. That's if you can wake your sisters up by then," Elliot said laughing.

"Oh, they'll be awake – believe me," he replied.

As Elliot was disconnecting the call he could hear Dickie yelling already.

The second call was to Don and, after celebrating the news with him, Elliot made his way into his wife's room and stood, watching as she cradled the baby in her arms, tears streaming down her face.

"He's just so beautiful," Olivia said when she realised she was being watched. "He's got the cutest nose and lips and beautiful blue eyes. And I even think he's already got more hair than you, El," she said with a laugh and Elliot was sure it was the sound of angels.

Inserting himself on the bed next to his wife, Elliot propped himself on one elbow while gently rubbing his baby son's back.

"Welcome to the world, little one," he whispered, leaning down. "You're a very lucky boy – you have the most amazing mother in the whole world," he continued and felt Olivia kiss his head. "She's just the best and I'm sure you'll realise that soon enough."

There were lots of oohs and ahs every time James moved or gurgled, and Olivia was mesmerised by the bundle in her arms. When the nurse tried to suggest she place the baby in his crib and get some sleep she refused, when Elliot suggested it she glared at him and then refused – it had taken her a lifetime to get to this stage and, after carrying this bundle for nine months, she wasn't sure if she was ready to be away from him just yet.

"Olivia, honey, you're exhausted," Elliot whispered, kissing her head. "What if we compromise and I sit here and hold him while you sleep. That way he'll still be close and you can get some sleep."

For a few minutes, Olivia contemplated his suggestion. She was tired, her eyes were heavy and she knew the influx of visitors later on would take away the sleeping option. Then she looked up at Elliot who was eyes were fixed on his son and she realised that in the nearly two hours since James' birth Elliot had only held him for a few moments after delivery. While she knew he had her best interests at heart and really did believe she needed to sleep, his overriding desire was to hold his baby boy.

"That's a good idea," she said, taking pity on her husband. "Here you go!"

When the baby and Elliot were comfortable, Olivia nestled into them and used her thumb to run up and down the blanket covering the baby's leg until she fell asleep minutes later. Realising his wife was asleep; Elliot leant down and kissed her head before pulling the blanket up around her. For Elliot, the next forty three minutes were priceless as he cradled and kissed his newborn boy. Whispering to him, Elliot told James of his love for him, his hopes and dreams and the love he had for the boy's mother.

"I'll let you in on a secret, James," he whispered ever so quietly. "You're not to tell the others but you are my favourite ... you know why?" he asked and paused while his son blinked at him. "Because you're your mother's son."

The bliss of his uninterrupted time was ended when a nurse came in to check on Olivia. Seeing she was sound asleep, the nurse smiled and departed and Elliot's attention turned back to the bundle with whose eyes were now fully opened. He had to laugh, the kid was a true Benson-Stabler, one eye was blue and though he couldn't confirm it, he was sure the other one would be brown.

"You are definitely a little Benson-Stabler, aren't you, son?" he whispered proudly.

"Well, god help us all," Don replied in a whisper before laughing.

"Hey, son, look who's arrived. It's grandpa," Elliot said, tilting his son in the direction of the visitor.

Don padded around the bed to Elliot's side and gazed down at the infant.

"He is just beautiful, son," he said, patting Elliot on the back. "You did good!"

"I did, didn't I?" he said beaming. "Can't believe he's mine – well, ours," he corrected, looking at Olivia.

"Can I hold him?" Don asked hesitantly. He didn't have much experience of newborns but this one was different, he was family.

"Sure," said Elliot shifting to hand over the now sleeping baby. "James Elliot Benson-Stabler meet your grandpa, Donald Cragen."

Settled in the armchair, Don cradled the boy and gently stroked his head with finger. As he did his mind drifted back to various occasions over the last decade where he thought this result for his two favourite detectives was a given and he smiled to himself; father did know best.

Olivia stirred and reached out for Elliot and realising James was not in his arms she shook her head and tried to sit up, trying to work out if it was all a dream or not.

"It's okay, babe," Elliot whispered, wrapping his arms around her. "James is just visiting with grandpa."

Peering around her husband, Olivia spied Don and James and smiled broadly; this is what it felt like to have family; a loving, caring family.

"I didn't mean to intrude, Livvy," Don said, standing and making his way back to the bed. "I had to go into the precinct and thought I'd call in..."

"That's not a problem," Olivia said. "We're very happy you're here."

"He's just beautiful, Liv," he said, walking around the bed and handing over the baby to his mother. "Congratulations, honey," he said, kissing her head before leaning across and kissing Elliot's head too. "To you too, son. I'm very proud of you both."

Answering the call of duty, Don left soon after and Olivia and James snuggled into Elliot's arms, content to be as close as possible and enjoy just being one. All three were dozing off when a soft rap was heard.

"Can we come in yet?" Maureen asked, peering around the door. Elliot checked the clock; it was 11:56 AM. "We couldn't really wait any longer."

"Come on in," whispered Olivia.

"I thought you'd be in hours ago," Elliot said they tiptoed in.

"Well, we've actually been down in the cafeteria for the last hour," Kathleen said, walking around to her father. "We just had to come and see him."

"Well, Maureen, Kathleen, Richard and Elizabeth, meet your brother, James Elliot Benson- Stabler," Elliot said as his fingers caressed the boy's head.

"Cool name," said Lizzie, her hand coming to rest on James' stomach. "He's gorgeous."

"We think so," said Olivia with a proud smile.

"Oooh, congrats to you both," Maureen said, kissing her father, then her mother. "I'm so glad he's finally here!"

"So am I," Olivia and Elliot said in unison.

After they were congratulated by the other three, Lizzie pulled out the yellow envelope from the previous night's party.

"Guess we can see who won," she said, upending the contents on the bottom of the bed.

"Sunday November 1st, 7:00 AM," said Elliot.

"Is that when he was born?" asked Kathleen.

"No, James was born at 7:06 AM," Olivia said, her eyes still fixed on the baby.

"But I said 7:00 AM – after nine months, or really five months, I was out on his arrival by six minutes," he said, stroking the baby's arm.

Flicking through the entries, Lizzie found her father's and verified the details.

"What is it, Liz?" Olivia asked when she saw the tears in her eyes.

Lizzie waved the paper and then read it:

_'James Elliot Benson-Stabler born Sunday November 1st, 2009 as gorgeous as his mother, as beautiful as his sisters, as handsome as his brother and a sign from God that life is good despite what we may think when we live through the dark times.'_


	60. Chapter 60

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction ****~ it's hard to believe it's been six months already. Some scars will never heal.**

For the four days Olivia was in hospital, she had a procession of visitors and received more flowers than she'd ever had in her whole life, collectively. Each day she grumbled about the hospital and how she wanted to be home, how she didn't need people, meaning the staff, watching her and telling her what she should and shouldn't be doing.

All that grumbling dissipated the moment the doctor signed the release form and the nurse brought the wheelchair into her. Instantly, Olivia wanted to be readmitted, the thought of going home, even if it was with Elliot and all his experience, was daunting. The beautiful bundle in her arms would be her responsibility and hers alone.

"We're in this together," said Elliot, kissing her head as they rode down in the elevator. "You aren't doing this by yourself."

Slowly, Olivia raised her head and smiled appreciatively at her husband, his mind reading ability came in handy at times.

On the ride home, Olivia was busy going over routines and scenarios in her head. Checking the clock, she realised the heavy traffic had delayed them enough to ensure the twins were home from school. While she loved them dearly, she wasn't sure how any of them would cope with the new arrival and a big part of her wanted the next few days just to be her, Elliot and the baby.

To both their surprise, and to Olivia's dismay, not only were the twins there, but so too were Maureen, Kathleen, Munch and Fin. With her quiet homecoming turning into a cast of thousands Olivia promptly burst into tears while standing on the front step.

"Feeling a little overwhelmed?" Elliot asked, wrapping an arm around her while holding the baby capsule in the other hand.

"Yeah," she said with a nod while swiping her hand across her face.

"Well, let's get this homecoming out of the way and get you and James settled in, okay?" he said, kissing her head.

"Yeah, okay," she agreed, taking a deep breath. "Can you... ah... can you..."

"Get rid of them?" he asked, nodding towards the door and she nodded in response.

"As quickly and as politely as possible," he promised in a whisper.

As soon as Olivia and Elliot entered the house they were bombarded with congratulatory banners, balloons and flowers as well as hugs and kisses. Before Elliot could dismiss the welcoming committee, Olivia spied two packed bags by the front door.

"They're mine and Liz's," Dickie said when he saw Olivia studying them. "Mo said we could stay there this week until you and James are all settled in. We'll come here from school to see you guys and she'll pick us up by six."

"That sounds like a good arrangement," Elliot said as he rubbed his wife's back. "Don't you think, Liv?"

"Yeah, it sounds good," she replied, smiling at James. "Only if you're sure though," she added as an afterthought not wanting the older kids to think now she had James she didn't love them anymore.

"We're positive, mom," Lizzie said. "Besides we'd rather come home when James isn't screaming all night," she added with a laugh. "Now, can I hold my baby brother before we go?"

"Sure," said Olivia, handing over the baby carefully.

It only took fifteen minutes before everyone else had gone and as Elliot locked the door behind Maureen he grinned.

"Wasn't too bad, was it?" he asked Olivia as she stood with James in her arms.

"No," she said, with a half smile. "I do love them, Elliot – the kids, you know that, right?"

"Of course I know that," he replied, padding back to her. "I never doubted it."

"Good," she said with a nod. "Just wanted to make sure you knew it."

"I knew it," he said, rubbing her arm. "Now, it's nearly time for James' feed, so where do you want to do that?"

Scanning the living room, Olivia tried to make up her mind. It didn't take long for her eyes to rest upon the front door.

"What if you feed him in the nursery," Elliot suggested. "It'll give you some quiet time and space, especially if we have more visitors."

"Sounds like a good idea," Olivia said, turning to the stairs. The last thing she needed was an audience the first time she tried to breastfeed at home. She'd climbed four steps before she turned around and saw Elliot placing the congratulatory cards on the mantle. "Ah, El..." she started slowly.

"Yes, babe?" he asked as he positioned the last card.

"Can you... um... can you come with me....please?" she asked hesitantly. "Just in case..."

"Sure, Liv," he said crossing the room quickly; it was already clear to him that he was going to walk a fine line between supporting Olivia and giving her space – her first baby nerves battling with her independent nature.

Before long, Olivia was in the rocking chair nursing her son happily, while Elliot put some items away. Leaning back on the crib, Elliot watched as James suckled contentedly at his mother's breast.

"Do you know how beautiful you are?" Elliot asked as his eyes filled with tears of love.

"He is, isn't he?" Olivia asked, stroking her finger down his son's cheek.

"He is," agreed Elliot, padding over before dropping down in front of her. "But I meant you," he corrected, gently caressing her face. "You've never been more beautiful."

"Thank you," she mouthed, emotion taking her voice.

"And I love you so very much," he continued, his thumb swiping across her cheek.

"Love you too," she whispered. "Can't believe we're actually here – you, me and baby."

"Me neither," he replied, leaning down to kiss his son. "But I'm very glad we are."

"Me too, babe, me too," Olivia replied.

While Olivia sat in the nursery watching her son sleep in her arms, Elliot rattled around the kitchen preparing their evening meal. Twice he had tried to get Olivia to come downstairs with him but she refused, wanting just another few minutes. So, he was preparing their dinner while listening to the baby monitor.

"You eavesdropping on Liv?" asked Casey coming in the back door and surprising him.

"No," he replied quickly.

"Yes, you are," she said, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and hugging him. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah," he said with a sigh before kissing her head.

As he stood with Casey they listened to Olivia singing 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' before she started talking to James once more.

"Hey, baby boy," she said, her voice full of love and wonder. "Do you know you are gorgeous like your daddy? He's amazing, you know? He's brave and strong and handsome and beautiful and absolutely gorgeous...just like you. "

"Does Liv know you're listening?" Casey asked in a whisper.

"She knows the monitor is down here but I don't think she realises it's on," he whispered in response.

"...Never thought we'd get here though," Olivia continued oblivious to her audience. "Lots of times, lots of cases didn't think we'd ... oh well, it doesn't matter now, we're all here and that's the main thing. You think that's important too?" she asked as James looked up at her. "I'm glad. Because I'll let you in on a little secret ... well, maybe not so little... I never truly thought we'd make it ... your dad's been sick, you know? And even though I always hoped and prayed he'd recover, somewhere deep inside I wasn't too sure...but don't tell him, okay? I guess it's because my life has been one thing after another and none of it too positive... I just didn't believe I'd finally get what I wanted ... but here you are my own little miracle ... in the perfect image of my big miracle, your daddy... I love you both very, very, very much."

Casey hugged Elliot tightly when she saw the tears trickling down his cheeks.

"I'm so glad Liv got her miracles too," she said, rubbing his back.

"Me too, Case," he said, smiling at her.

"Go see her, El," she said, pushing him towards the door. "I'll finish up dinner for you."

It took Elliot a minute to get to the nursery and another to pull himself together before opening the door.

"He's asleep," Olivia whispered as Elliot padded over.

"Good, now can we put him in his crib?" he asked, helping her stand from the rocking chair.

"Sure," she said when she caught sight of his watery eyes.

Once James was settled, she turned around and tightly wrapped Elliot in her arms.

"Something wrong?" she asked, reaching up to caress his face.

"No," he mumbled, pulling her closer. "Just need to hold you."

"That's good," she replied, snuggling into him. "Because I need to be held by you."

After a few minutes of silence, Elliot kissed Olivia's head and moved back, taking her hands in his.

"Now, say goodnight to James and let me feed you," he said, tilting his head towards the door.

"You think he'll be..." she started but Elliot pressed his finger to her lips.

"Our son will be fine," he said gently. "He's fed and changed and I'm sure he'll sleep like a baby."

"But the kitchen is so far away," she said wistfully.

"The monitor is down there, and the room is less than 30 seconds away – I timed it," he said, tugging her to the door.

"Okay," she finally conceded.

They were a few steps into their descent when she registered his comment about the monitor.

"Is the monitor on?" she asked, stopping and tugging him back.

"Yes," he replied, standing on a step lower than hers, meaning they were now eye to eye.

"So, did you hear me talk to James?" she asked nervously.

"Yes, I did," he admitted quietly.

"About what I said... about you not... well, about..." Olivia stumbled hesitantly over her thoughts.

"I understand," he said, leaning forward and brushing his lips across hers. "But the most important thing is that it is behind us and from now things can only get better, right?"

"Right!" she agreed before wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him thoroughly.

November was a blur and when Olivia realised Thanksgiving was only days away she went into a panic. This was her first Thanksgiving as a wife and mom and, being that she was the happiest she had ever been in her life, she had so much to be thankful for. Elliot came in from playing hoops with Dickie to find his wife frantically searching through books and magazines.

"What are you looking for?" he asked, trying to still her hand but she shrugged away his touch. "Liv, what's up?" he asked, tugging her to him more firmly.

"Six days to Thanksgiving – six!" she exclaimed. "And I've done nothing. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, I thought it was a given – you know it's been on the calendar a while," he said with a chuckle; which resulted in a swift punch to his arm. "Ow!"

"You know I've been preoccupied and tired and not sleeping and ..." she said as tears started to well.

"Hey, hey," he said gently, wrapping her in his arms. "It's okay."

"No, no it's not. I wanted this Thanksgiving to be perfect and ..." she started to explain.

"It will be," he replied kissing her forehead. "Now, you obviously don't remember but two weeks ago we accepted Don's offer of spending Thanksgiving with him, at his place."

Olivia's brow creased as she tried to recall making the arrangements.

"Oh yeah," she said softly.

"And all we have to do is make sure that everyone is there by midday," Elliot continued, rubbing his hand up and down her back.

"Okay," she replied wearily.

"And bring the pumpkin pies – which Mo is doing," he added quickly.

"So, I'm freaking out for nothing?" she asked, dropping her head in embarrassment.

"Not for nothing – I think it's great you want the perfect Thanksgiving – but I also know how tired you are at the moment," he whispered as he nuzzled into her neck.

"I need sleep," she admitted holding him closer.

As she was breastfeeding, she was up several times a night and James wasn't eating and sleeping in a settled pattern yet so she was only getting very short spells of interrupted sleep.

Knowing it was a touchy subject; Elliot backed them up so he could sit on a chair and pulled Olivia onto his lap.

"You know if you expressed, I could take the night feeds and you could get some sleep," he said quietly.

"But you have to get up in the morning for work, I don't," she replied, resting her head on his.

"I'll manage," he reassured her. "I just think by me doing a couple of feeds you ..." he paused, not quite sure how to proceed without upsetting her greatly.

"I what?" she prompted.

"You might be able to get some more rest and feel a little more like yourself," he answered, caressing her face.

"Am I that bad?" she asked tearfully – knowing she had been tired and irritable with them all lately.

"Not at all," he replied, kissing her nose. "You just need sleep."

"I need to sleep with you," she murmured, snuggling into him.

"Well, we can leave Dickie to sort out dinner, he wanted pizza anyhow, and James won't be hungry for another two or so hours, so let's go lay down a while," he suggested, standing them up.

Settled into bed, Elliot wrapped his arms around his wife as she rested her head on his chest and listened to the steady beat of his heart.

"Love you, Livia," he whispered, kissing the top of her head.

"Love you, El," she replied sleepily.

Grinning, Elliot kissed her head once more, knowing his wife would be asleep in minutes.

Sometime later, Elliot stirred when Dickie rapped softly on the door and opened it.

"Sorry, dad," he whispered when he realised Olivia was still asleep. "James is fussing, I changed him already but I think he's hungry," he said as he padded over.

"Hey, little man," Elliot said in hushed tones, holding out one arm so Dickie could hand over the baby. "You want your mommy?"

"Dad, Lizzie just got home. Do you want me to go get the pizzas now?" he asked, glancing at the clock.

"Yeah, good idea," Elliot replied. "There's money in my wallet on the dresser."

When Olivia stirred she was surprised to find her son nestled in the bed with them, his face inches from hers as he also slept on Elliot's chest.

"Hey, baby boy," she said, running a finger down his face. "You're a bit young to be climbing into mommy and daddy's bed by yourself."

"His brother helped," Elliot informed her. "Brought him in because he was fussing and Dickie thought he was hungry but he settled down here easily."

"Must be your magic touch," she replied, kissing his chest.

"Must be," he replied with a chuckle.

"About what we were talking about earlier..." Olivia began slowly, her eyes still fixed on her son.

"About the feeding?" he asked, moving his hand to brush her hair away from her face.

"Yeah," she replied with a nod. "I think you're right – I feel better having just slept the last hour and a half uninterrupted and all's still right with the world." Without replying, Elliot leaned down and kissed her head. "And I also think it would be good for you to spend a little one on one time with James."

"Well," Elliot drawled. "I did have that in mind too."

All too soon James awoke and decided it was dinner time. With a bit of deft manoeuvring, Olivia settled back between Elliot's legs as James began feeding, Elliot's arms wrapped around her, cradling their son's head. Relaxing into him as James suckled; Olivia felt an incredible sense of calm wash over her. For the first time in her son's three weeks of life, she felt settled and content and she knew that together they could face whatever lay ahead.


	61. Chapter 61

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction ****~ it's hard to believe it's been six months already. Some scars will never heal.**

It was the 2nd of December and as Elliot awoke in the early hours of the cold Friday morning he tried to figure out what was different. As Olivia nestled in closer and the grip she had with her arm around his neck tightened, he had his answer; having Olivia in his arms was different. Back home after a 72 hour investigation, he had seen nothing of his wife and month old son for three whole days and had missed them desperately. Prior to that, most times he had awoken Olivia was either climbing in or out of their bed, or just missing altogether.

Grateful to have this precious time with beautiful wife in his arms, he held her closer and kissed her head. Stirring slightly, Olivia managed a hushed and mumbled 'happy birthday' before drifting off once more. As he held and caressed her, Elliot smiled, today was his 45th birthday and, from the outset, he knew this would be the best one ever. He didn't need a present or card or cake to celebrate, as it was he had everything he needed, and she was already wrapped up in his arms.

As he listened to her soft breathing, his mind drifted back to his last birthday, one which had pretty much been a non event with a couple of calls from the kids and little else as he was stuck on a case. Last birthday, he didn't have Olivia either, not even as his work partner, she was off on leave and he had Munch – Munch, on his birthday! Raking his fingers through her hair he thought about the past twelve months and decided it would have been the best year of his life, so far. While it had been extremely difficult, at times, it had made him appreciate all the more what he did have and it had brought him and Olivia together – something, for which, he would be eternally grateful.

While he hadn't planned on dredging up the harder times, his mind took him back to the day last February where he had been referred to the oncologist. The gut wrenching feeling he experienced while his doctor was talking was nothing compared to the overwhelming fear of losing Olivia; of the cancer taking away any chance he had to make Olivia his. Standing in the middle of the foyer of Mt Sinai hospital on that fateful Wednesday evening in his own personal fog, he had no idea what to do next.

_A kindly old woman had stopped beside him and rubbed his arm._

_"Are you alright?" she asked, in a brogue he couldn't place._

_He had nodded, not quite able to speak._

_"Bad news?" she questioned sympathetically._

_"Ah, yeah, could be," he said, nodding once more._

_"Well, sonny, at times like this you need to be surrounded with love," she said, her hand rubbing his back as she led him out to the line of waiting cabs._

_The cab driver, who he later learnt was Bob, came around to open the door when he saw the pair approach._

_"Where to?" he asked._

_"This man needs to go home," the old woman said. "I hope it all works out for you, love."_

_"Where's home, son?" Bob asked and Elliot reeled off Olivia's address. If he needed to be surrounded by love and needed to feel at home, then Olivia's was the only place he needed to be._

Big blue eyes brimming with tears, Elliot kissed Olivia's head once more. He had no idea what he would have done if she hadn't been home that night, or worse, been home but hadn't shown him the tenderness and affection she had. He couldn't contemplate what he'd be doing this birthday if she hadn't loved him, cared for him, consoled him, laughed and cried with him over the past ten months of his battle. Hell, he had no idea what his life would be like if he hadn't known her for the past decade.

Very soon, the feelings for his wife overwhelmed him as they lay in the dark room in the early dawn.

"El, what's wrong?" Olivia asked, propping herself up on an elbow, awakened by the soft sobs and shuddering of his body. "Hey, babe," she whispered, caressing his face.

"It's okay," he said quickly, palming her cheek and kissing her forehead. "It's all good."  
"What's wrong?" she asked again, wiping away the tears she knew where there.

"Love you so much, Livia," he declared, pulling her onto him and holding her tightly.

"Love you too, Elliot," she replied, struggling to breathe in his fierce grip.

For a few minutes she said nothing, allowing him the time he needed to process his thoughts and feelings. Just as she was about to speak, the baby monitor came to life as James decided it was time for breakfast.

"You sit tight," she said, kissing Elliot's head. "I'll go get James and feed him in here."

Snuggled back into her husband with her son cradled in her arms, guzzling happily, Olivia craned her neck to capture Elliot's lips.

"Happy birthday, daddy," she whispered before kissing him again. "We love you very much."

"Love you both so much," he replied hoarsely as tears filled his eyes once more.

Nothing more was said while James fed under the adoring gaze of his parents. When his little tummy was full and he was burped, Olivia settled him on her chest as she lay with her husband. Slowly, Elliot ran his hand up and down his son's back as Olivia raked her hand through Elliot's short bristly hair.

"You are the most amazing thing," he whispered to James. "I couldn't have asked for a better birthday present. You're gonna be daddy's little man, aren't you?"

"I think he might just be," Olivia confirmed before kissing Elliot's head.

Before Olivia could get to question Elliot about the earlier tears, she looked down to find her favourite boys fast asleep. Gently kissing both their heads, Olivia smiled happily and soon joined them in slumber.

It was a soft rapping on the bedroom door that woke her just before six, and wearily she opened her eyes to find James was awake too.

"Sorry to wake you, mom," whispered Dickie. "But we wanted to do a special surprise birthday breakfast for dad, is that okay?"

"It certainly is," Olivia whispered in reply.

"It'll be ready in about thirty minutes but we'll come and get you," he said, his eyes flitting to his father to ensure he was still asleep.

"Sounds like a plan," she said, trying to stifle a yawn.

"But I need James to come with me now," he explained reaching out for his brother.

"What for?" Olivia asked, a little reluctant to hand over the bundle.

"It's a surprise," he said and lifted up his baby brother. "I promise I'll take care of him," he reassured Olivia as he departed.

Long after Dickie's footsteps had disappeared, Olivia listened intently for any sound her youngest son needed her, it never came. Turning her attention back to the birthday boy, she rolled into him and rested her head high on his chest, while her hand rubbed gentle circles on his abdomen.

"Nice way to wake up," he murmured, placing a lazy kiss on her forehead.

"I could think of a better way," she sassed as she rolled her head back to look at him.

"Me too," he said with a grin. "But not for another two weeks – doctor's orders."

"Yeah, I know," she said before sighing deeply. "But a girl can dream."

"I promise to make it up to you," Elliot vowed, kissing her cheek.

"I'm counting on it," she replied, wrapping her arms around his neck and nestling herself closer.

After a few moments of contented silence, Olivia rolled onto Elliot and cradled his face in her hands.

"What were the tears about earlier?" she asked, concern coating each word. He tried to shrug his response but she wasn't letting him get away with a mere gesture. "Please talk to me."

"I had just been thinking, that's all," he said, closing his eyes as the emotions welled once more.

"And what were you thinking?" she continued to probe, caressing his face.

"How...how much I love you...how much I'm grateful for you taking me in that Wednesday last February and for everything you've done for me before – and especially since," he admitted, the lump filling his throat.

"Pretty overwhelming stuff, hey?" she said softly, her thumb swiping over his cheek.

"Aha," he managed, before taking a deep breath and willing his tears away.

"Hey, hey," she soothed, rolling off him and bringing him into her arms so she could hold him. "Let it all out, El," she whispered, stroking his head. "Let go, baby."

For a minute or two, Elliot tried to fight the overwhelming emotions within him. He tried to reason that there was no need for pain or anguish, after all, it was his birthday; it was supposed to be a day full of happiness and cheer. However, hearing Olivia encouraging him to let go was the permission he needed to succumb to his feelings and let go of the swirling emotions within him.

Without fail, Olivia held and caressed him, soothed and consoled him, ignoring the tears slipping down her face. She cried with him and for him but never faltered in her tender ministrations as he tried to pull himself together. As she went to talk to him, Maureen appeared at the door surprising her.

"Breakfast is ready," she whispered, looking from Olivia to her father's curled, sobbing form. "Is everything okay?" she mouthed.

Olivia nodded. "Give us five," she mouthed in reply, holding up five fingers, and Maureen nodded before backing out of the room.

When Maureen returned to the kitchen without their parents in tow and with a concerned expression on her face, the others looked at her.

"Don't tell me you walked in on them doing stuff," said Dickie, shaking his head.

"No, I didn't," Maureen replied sharply.

"They can't do anything for another two weeks anyway," Lizzie added, now a fount of knowledge when it came to pregnancy.

"Then what's wrong?" asked Kathleen as she placed the plate of pancakes onto the table.

"Dad was really upset," she said quietly, not really wanting to tell.

"What do you think is wrong?" Lizzie asked, suddenly scared.

"Don't know," she replied. "But he doesn't know I know, so you can't say anything, okay?" she said, looking at her siblings. "Okay?" she said louder when nobody answered. There was a murmur of agreement.

Meanwhile, Olivia realised their time was up unless they wanted a line of concerned offspring at their door.

"You doing okay, baby?" she asked as she raised his head and kissed his forehead.

"Yeah," he replied, drawing in some deep breaths and feeling embarrassed by his little breakdown. "Sorry about this."

"No need to apologise, El," she said gently. "It's only natural that these things back up on you."

"Yeah, but it doesn't mean I have to blubber like a little girl," he said, shaking his head in self admonishment.

"No, what it means is you have to talk to me as it happens and not let it get to this stage," she said as she caressed his face.

"I guess I thought I was doing okay with everything but all the stuff that's happened this past year has been pretty overwhelming," he said as he rolled onto his back before sitting up.

"I know," Olivia agreed, rubbing his back.

"But it's my birthday and it's a good day, so no more tears," he said, more to himself.

"Well, it's your party and you can cry if you want to," she said, parodying an old song.

He laughed and Olivia smiled, things were improving already.

Padding down to the kitchen, Elliot was surprised to find all five children milling around the bench – well, four, James lay sleeping in his capsule oblivious to them all.

"Must be someone's birthday," he said when he saw the 'Happy Birthday' banner and balloons decorating the kitchen. "Hmm, something smells good," he added, waiting for a response from his children.

"Happy birthday, dad," said Maureen, moving to hug him. "I love you so much."

"Love you too, baby," he replied, kissing her head.

It was a scene repeated by Maureen and Dickie, then by Lizzie who was having a little trouble letting go, worried that his earlier tears was a sign of something ominous.

"You okay, baby girl?" he whispered as she clung to him.

"Aha," she muttered, still holding tight. "I just want you to have the best birthday ever."

"I will," he promised, kissing her head.

"Come help me, Liz," Maureen said pulling her sister away before things got out of hand.

"Everything alright?" he asked, scanning the less than festive faces around him.

"Dad, are you okay?" Dickie asked, taking the situation in hand.

"I'm more than okay, son. Why do you ask?" he said, resting his hand on Dickie's shoulder.

"You were upset this morning when Mo went up to get you and we can't help but think the worst," he admitted, his eyes tearing at the thought the worse could be possible.

"Is that what this is about?" he asked, glancing around the room and the children nodded.

"Well, let me reassure you that everything is good. I was just feeling a little overwhelmed by all the good things that have happened to me this past year," he said, taking Olivia's hand in his.

"Are you sure?" Kathleen asked.

"Positive," he said enthusiastically.

"Great," she responded. "Now, let's eat!"

Plate loads of pancakes, eggs and bacon were devoured quickly as the chattered remained upbeat and lively. When James cried out, Kathleen padded over to get him and settled him with her at the table.

"He just didn't want to miss out on the fun," she said, turning him around so Elliot could see his little outfit. 'I have the world's bestest dad' was emblazoned across his body.

"World's bestest dad," Elliot echoed.

"Yep," Kathleen said, "I saw it and thought it was perfect – because you are, you know that, right? But they didn't have it in my size. So one for Jimmy James here was the next best thing."

"Thank you, very much," he said and Kathleen grinned. It had taken her a long time to realise that while her dad may not be perfect he was definitely the best.

As time ticked on, Lizzie moved to clear the table, while Dickie put the food remnants away.

"You two are going to be late," Olivia observed, checking the clock.

"I'm taking them in," Maureen said.

"Then you'll be late," she countered.

"That's okay, I told them yesterday that I'd be in late as I had something very important to do this morning," she said.

"What do you need to do?" asked Elliot turning his attention from his baby son.

"Wish you a happy birthday," she said with a chuckle.

While the twins raced upstairs to collect their bags, and Kathleen said goodbye to her dad, Maureen caught Olivia in the kitchen by herself.

"About earlier," she said quietly. "Is dad really alright?"

'He is, honestly," Olivia replied, squeezing her hand.

"You'd tell us if there was something to be worried about, wouldn't you?" she questioned.

"Of course, but there is nothing to tell this time," she replied.

"Okay," Maureen conceded, believing Olivia was telling the truth.

"Now, what do you need to ask me?" Olivia said, switching James to her other arm.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

"When you were on the phone the other day, you said that you needed to ask me something next time you saw me," she reminded her and couldn't miss the embarrassed smile that swept over Maureen's face.

Trying hard to stop smiling, Maureen dropped her head to avoid Olivia's gaze.

"Who is he?" Olivia probed.

"What do you mean?" she asked, trying to feign innocence.

"Maureen Stabler!" she said firmly. "Who is he?"

Shaking her head, Maureen laughed, figuring the questioning was a small price to pay for having a father and stepmother who were both detectives.

"His name is Eric Hutchins and..." she began.

"Eric from the magazine..." Olivia interrupted and Maureen nodded. "Eric as in we're just friends, Eric?" Maureen nodded again. "Eric as in..."

"I get it," she said, "You know who Eric is."

"What's your question, honey?" Olivia asked, not wanting to antagonise her too much.

"Would it be too much trouble if he came here for Christmas Day?" she asked quietly.

"If who came?" Elliot asked entering the kitchen and Maureen looked to Olivia.

"Maureen wants to know if her friend, Eric, can come to Christmas lunch here," she said, as her husband wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

"And what have we said?" he questioned, looking between the two.

"Mom hasn't said anything yet – look, it's no big deal," she said quickly. "Eric said he was going to make plans to go home to Boston for Christmas and wanted me to go with him but I said I wanted to spend Christmas here this year, because, well you know, and thought that..."

"Eric can come, honey," Olivia said, reaching out to her eldest daughter. "He is more than welcome, isn't he, Elliot?"

"Well...." he drawled.

"Isn't he, Elliot?" she repeated in a much firmer manner and he nodded obediently.

Soon the oldest four had departed for their own lives beyond the door in Parkville and Elliot took his wife and youngest son in his arms.

"Birthday improved?" she asked as he kissed his son's head.

"Very much so," he replied, moving to kiss her head.

"I'm glad," she said, wrapping an arm around his neck and pulling closer to him.

"I'm thinking of a way to improve it even more," he said with a flirty grin.

"Two weeks, remember," she said, patting his face.

"That's just for actual sex, isn't it?" he questioned, pulling back and Olivia nodded. "Well, I think we have managed to do some pretty incredible things without having actual intercourse, haven't we?" His mind drifting back to the night of no condoms at the lake house.

"We have," she agreed, leaning in to kiss his chest, more than happy to get things started.

"Only if you're up to it though," he said, caressing her face.

"Oh, I'm good," she said, trailing kisses along his jaw.

"Good?" he said, taking her hand and leading her up to the nursery so James could be settled. "I think you're fucking amazing."

**AN: Please know, I am finding it hard to write the concluding chapters given recent events, but it will be done in a timely manner. Thank you for sticking with me - it means so much.**


	62. Chapter 62

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction ****~ it's hard to believe it's been six months already. Some scars will never heal.**

In the early hours of Christmas morning Olivia awoke with clear plans as to the way she and her husband would spend the time. With the six week moratorium on sex over about ten days earlier, they still hadn't been able to resume activities due to other circumstances. Over the first few days, Olivia had her period and definitely wasn't in the mood. Then, when she was, Elliot was caught up with a case. Deciding it wasn't doing her any good to obsess about it, Olivia had set her mind on Christmas morning, knowing exactly where her husband would be, thanks to guaranteed leave for him by Don .

Reaching out for Elliot, Olivia was surprised to find the bed empty; this would put a definite kink in her plans. Rolling onto her back, Olivia listened to the baby monitor when she realised James probably needed a diaper change or a feed, but there was only silence. Listening intently for noises around the house, Olivia heard nothing either and she anxiously got out of bed.

Shrugging on her oversized fleecy dressing gown, Olivia opened the bedroom door, surprised to find the glowing lights of the Christmas tree lighting up the sitting room. Leaning on the banister, she watched as Elliot and James came in from the kitchen and settled on the sofa in front of the tree.

Silently, Olivia crept down the stairs and sat a few from the bottom where she could still see her son. With his back to the stairs, Elliot was too engrossed in the job in front of him to register he was being watched.

"Here you go, little man," he said quietly as he upended the bottle and began the task of feeding his son. "I know we usually do this upstairs, but it's Christmas and I thought it would be nice to spend your first Christmas morning here with the tree." Using his thumb, he caressed James' face and smiled at the beautiful child in his arms. "You know, you are gorgeous, just like your mommy. Yes, you are," he said, kissing the boy's head.

"You know, you're blessed to have Olivia as your mommy," he continued, his voice hushed and full of emotion. "God was certainly looking after you with that one. You'll find this all out for yourself but she is the most incredible woman there is. She is kind and caring and amazing and so beautiful..."

Quietly, Olivia wiped away her tears. While it was nothing he hadn't said to her himself over the course of the year, hearing him tell their son and the tenderness of his voice caused the tears to fall.

"I am an incredibly lucky man, you know that, son? I was married before I met your mom to Kathy and we had four beautiful kids; your brother and sisters. And I loved her, I did... well, it was what I thought was love but now that I know what love really is, well, let's just say it didn't come close. You know, I've been in love with your mom for quite a while now. I can only admit that it's been since I divorced Kathy but between you and me it goes back before then...by a couple of years...well, maybe more than a couple of years...you won't tell on me, will you? No, I didn't think you would...after all, you're daddy's little man."

Pausing to adjust James in his arms, Elliot resumed feeding the baby while scanning the mantle. "When we're done here, James, I'll show you the stockings your mom insisted we put out. There's seven hanging there...one for each of us. I told her I didn't need one as there was nothing Santa could bring me – I already have everything I could ever want or need – but she insisted and so mine's hanging with the rest of them. You'll learn quickly, son, that what momma wants momma usually gets..."

Quickly, Olivia put her hand over her mouth to stifle the laugh building within.

"But as much as I protested the stocking I was never going to win...and I didn't want to. This is your mommy's first real family Christmas. She hasn't said it in as many words but I know. I saw her face when she opened a card my brother sent and it said 'To Elliot, Olivia and family,' ... I knew she was crying when she headed straight upstairs saying something about laundry. I can't take away her pain from all the bad Christmases past but I have promised myself that everyone from here on in will be better than the last. And you, my beautiful baby boy, have ensured that this Christmas is amazing for us all. You are definitely my little miracle and I love you so very much." Gently he placed a kiss on the boy's head. Realising he was asleep, Elliot removed the bottle and sat it beside them on the sofa before leaning back and watching the lights chase each other around the tree.

It had been an amazing journey since last Christmas and as he looked down at the sleeping babe in his arms, he thanked God for the both their sons.

After the silence had continued, Olivia stood up and coughed as she made her way to them.

"Room for me?" she asked, placing the bottle on the coffee table and slipping into the space beside her husband.

"Always," he replied, wrapping an arm around her and kissing her head. "Thought we'd get into the Christmas spirit early," he said, nodding towards the tree.

"Had similar intentions myself," she replied, nestling closer.

"Really?" he questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"Yep," she said, kissing his cheek. "Just thought this may be the perfect time for a resumption of marital relations," she said looking back at the tree. "But this is nice too."

"It's very nice," Elliot agreed as he edged forward and stood up. "But as our son is asleep we'll have to focus on our Christmas spirit for a while." He offered her his hand and pulled her up from the sofa.

Still aware they had three other children sleeping in the house, Olivia and Elliot walked silently upstairs before entering the nursery. James began to stir as Elliot settled him in his bed.

"Now, I know you enjoyed our chat, little man," he whispered. "But it's time for bed for both of us."

James fussed a little and Elliot kissed him once more.

"When you get older you'll realise why it is important that you let mommy and daddy go to bed right now, son," he explained, adjusting the blanket. "So, say goodnight to mommy," he continued, moving aside so Olivia could kiss him. "Sleep well, son," he said kissing him once more before whispering a begged 'please'.

When Elliot returned to the bedroom, he locked the door behind him. The privacy latch was something he had installed himself not wanting there to be any chance of one of the children walking in on them again.

"Liv?" he called in a whisper and the adjoining bathroom door opened.

"Right here, honey," she responded, padding over to him, her robe still tied. "Can you help me?"

Grabbing hold of the ends of the belt, Elliot undid the knot before dropping the robe to the floor. His eyes widened at the sight of his wife's naked body adorned only by the strategic placement of three golden bows and a ribbon around her waist.

"Thought you might like to unwrap your present now," she whispered as his hands skimmed her body. "Unless you want to wait til later."

"Waited long enough," he said hoarsely before untying the ribbon.

Ever so carefully, he pulled off the three adhesive bows before kissing each spot tenderly.

"Take me to bed," Olivia whispered as his tongue ran circles around her right nipple.

Scooping her up, Elliot gently placed his wife in the centre of their bed before kissing her belly. Still self conscious of the stretch marks, Olivia tried to get him to move to another location but Elliot wouldn't.

"You're beautiful," he said, looking up at her after trailing a row of kisses across her abdomen.

"Still flabby and all those stretch marks," she said, closing her eyes.

"You're beautiful," he repeated. "These are just signs of the life we made – what could be more beautiful than that?" he asked as tears filled his eyes.

Olivia had to concede that when described that way, baby flab and stretch marks were indeed a thing of beauty.

After things had moved along quite well, Elliot stopped and sat up on the bed.

"What's wrong?" she asked, moving to sit up beside him.

"In all the Christmas rush, I forgot to buy condoms," he said, shaking his head. "And I doubt Santa will bring us any."

"Good thing I was prepared then," she replied, leaning over him and opening his bedside drawer. "Take your pick," she added, gesturing to the four boxes it contained.

"You really are amazing," he said, opening the closest box and retrieving one foil pack.

"Tell me that when we're done," she sassed, as she watched him open the pack and noticed his hands were shaking. "You okay, babe?" she asked, her hand resting on his, stilling it.

"Ah, yeah," he replied, looking up at her.

"Sure you're not nervous?" she questioned, moving her hand to caress his face.

"Maybe just a little," he replied.

"Why?" she asked, drawing his face to hers.

"Just want this day to be perfect for you ...want everything to be perfect, it's the least you deserve," he whispered, his fingers locking with hers.

Thinking back to what she'd overheard earlier, she knew Elliot was trying to make up for all her crappy Christmases with this one. That alone was enough pressure, adding sex for the first time in nearly two months, was an extra thing he probably didn't need.

"So long as it's you and me, it will be perfect," she reassured him, reaching in to kiss his cheek.

"But I don't want to hurt you, you know, if you're not ready... or if..." he started to say but began tripping over his words.

"You won't hurt me," she whispered before taking the condom from him and putting it in place. "All you need to do, my darling husband, is breathe and show me how much you love me."

eoxo

Trailing kisses from her head to her lips, Elliot edged down in the bed and pulled Olivia onto him, a position which her pregnancy had necessitated, However, Olivia had other plans and took the opportunity to roll over, bringing him to rest on top of her.

"Are you sure?" he asked as her ankles hooked behind his legs.

"Positive," she replied, wrapping her arms around his neck and drawing him closer.

"Promise me you'll let me know if you're not okay," he said, his body still pressed up on his braced arms.

"I promise," she replied, kissing his chest.

"And promise me you'll let me know if it's too much," he said, needing to reassure himself.

"I promise," she muttered, as she continued her kisses.

"And promise me you'll love me for the rest of my life," he said, tears filling his eyes.

It was the easiest promise Olivia had ever made.

eoxo

Stirring again hours later, Olivia felt Elliot's fingers raking through her hair as her body lay still pressed up against his, their legs still tangled. Mumbling her love to him, she wrapped her arm around him and then sighed deeply.

"You awake?" Elliot whispered, kissing her forehead.

"Minmakif," Olivia mumbled in response.

"I'll take that as a not yet," he said as a chuckle.

"Upsjghhthanta," she mumbled, snuggling in deeper.

"Anytime you're ready, babe," he whispered, kissing her once more.

Before long, Olivia had awoken; Elliot's hand running from her back to her butt being a key factor in her new level of alertness. Glancing at the clock, he realised they probably had at least half an hour before the usual Christmas morning trek down to see the treasures Santa had left by his kids so he decided to put it to good use.

"Wanna make my Christmas wish come true?" he rumbled as he nibbled on her ear.

"Does it involve staying naked and horizontal?" she asked, rolling onto her back and pulling him on top of her.

"It does," he replied, cupping her left breast in one hand, his thumb teasing the nipple and causing her to moan softly.

"Okay then," she agreed, her head falling to the side, allowing him full control of her and this encounter.

eoxo

His wishes, and hers, fulfilled in a more than satisfactory way, Elliot rolled back pulling Olivia with him, before adjusting the covers around them and enjoying the intimacy of the situation.

Olivia's head lay on his chest, her breathing tickling him as it returned to normal. As he went to speak the baby monitor lit up and she went to move before she realised it was not her son causing it.

"Merry Christmas, Jimmy James," Kathleen said quietly. "Oh, I see you need a new diaper. Now, normally, this is the time I'd hand you back to dad or mom but I guess as it's Christmas and they are rather busy, I'll do it."

Olivia stiffened at the thought Kathleen knew they were having sex but Elliot just kissed her and smiled.

"Oh, god this is gross," Kathleen complained as she wrapped up the soiled diaper and cleaned his butt. "How can someone so small create such a big, smelly mess?"

Elliot chuckled – he said the same thing each time he changed the diapers of all his kids.

"I don't know how mom and dad do it," she continued, oblivious to the audience she had acquired. "How on earth did you get it all the way up there...and on the sheets...gee, Jimmy James, what's in Liv's milk?"

Elliot edged down in the bed and drew Olivia's face up to his, wanting to ensure that she was comfortable with the situation.

"Are you confused because I called mom, Liv? Well, let me explain that one to you. You see my mom and your mom aren't the same person, but our dad is. My mom is Kathy and yours is Olivia but we call her mom too, just so you don't get too confused. It's hard enough being a baby in a house where everyone else is grown up, the least we can do is to allow you to keep your parents straight. Anyway, as I was saying, Liv, your mom, is totally cool, and dad, well, dad is something different altogether. We never got along that well when he lived with us in Queens and I used to think he was a complete ass, oops, shouldn't use the language around you...but anyway, I did. Now though, it's different...I don't know if it was getting so sick or getting Olivia but he's a different man...or maybe I'm different, who knows but the upside is we're getting along so well now."

"I think it was you," he whispered, kissing her cheek. "Actually, I know it was you," he corrected. "You've changed my life for the better in so many ways I can't even begin to calculate."

"You've changed my life too," she replied tearfully. "I love you so much, Elliot."

"Love you too, Livia," he responded, kissing her tenderly.

Grabbing a change of clothes and other accessories for her baby brother, Kathleen resumed her activities and her conversation.

"Now, as this is your first Christmas I thought you should wear this," she said, holding up and elf suit which said 'Baby's First Christmas'. "And I figured you should know some basic Stabler Christmas rules... are you ready?"

"What are they?" Olivia whispered, looking up at him earnestly.

"No idea," he replied, just as intrigued as she was.

"Well, the first one is that Santa doesn't come to Stabler children who aren't asleep by nine on Christmas Eve or who are awake before seven on Christmas Day. Now, I know that technically you are a Benson-Stabler but I can guarantee the same rule will apply. Second one is that dad will never care what you buy him, but if you make it he will treasure it forever. He still has the ashtray Mo made him when she was seven, and that was twenty years ago."

"You are such a softie," Olivia said with a giggle, patting his chest.

"Not what you said an hour ago," he said proudly.

"Shh," she hushed him when Kathleen resumed talking.

"Now, rule number three, is the youngest always gets to do things first. That's been Lizzie for 17 years now, so you might not get the best response from her, but she'll get used to it. Number four is an important one too... you have to make sure dad...." Anything else she said was lost as she picked up James and headed out of the nursery and downstairs.

"Make sure dad what?" Olivia asked, propping herself up on him.

"No idea," he replied. "But I think is should be always make sure daddy is happy..." he suggested before pulling her down and making himself very happy indeed.

**AN: Please know, I am finding it hard to write the concluding chapters given recent events, but it will be done in a timely manner. Thank you for sticking with me - it means so much.**


	63. Chapter 63

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction ****~ it's hard to believe it's been seven months already. Some scars will never heal.**

Walking down the stairs, arms wrapped around each other, Elliot and Olivia paused to take in the blissful family scene below them. Dickie was in the armchair feeding James, while Lizzie was busy rearranging the presents beneath the lit Christmas tree. As they watched, Kathleen came in carrying a tray of mugs and breakfast provisions and Elliot smiled. The only thing which would make this morning better was if Maureen was already there.

"Merry Christmas, dad, mom," Lizzie called when she spied them.

"'Bout time," kidded Dickie as he looked up at them. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," said Kathleen as she placed the tray on the coffee table.

"Merry Christmas!" Olivia and Elliot said in unison, finishing their descent of the stairs before kissing and hugging their children.

"Want me to finish that, son?" Elliot asked Dickie, gesturing to James.

"Nah, dad, I've got it. Nearly done, anyway," he replied, nodding towards the bottle. "But you can take him then, he's definitely in need of a new diaper." While Dickie had surprised Elliot and Olivia by being more than willing and happy to assist with James in any way that was required, he had been adamant from the start that as far as babies were concerned he was a rookie and therefore was not to be in the end zone.

"No worries," Elliot said with a laugh. "Just let me know when you're done."

Breakfast was a leisurely affair and despite Lizzie's anxiousness to open the presents, which had to wait until Maureen arrived, it was a rather peaceful morning.

As Lizzie cleared away the last of the breakfast mugs, Olivia organised the turkey for the oven and Elliot prepared the trimmings as Kathleen started work on setting the table to ensure it was all ready before the arrival of the others and therefore not interrupt the present opening part of the day.

"Don't know which outfit looks best on JJ," Dickie said, carrying his brother into the kitchen. "This is the suit Lizzie bought..." he said holding up the baby so they could see the bright red jumpsuit with 'Baby's First Christmas' embroidered in white.

"Aww," Olivia said, tears filling her eyes. "That is just adorable – thank you, Lizzie."

"I just loved it when I saw it," Lizzie said happily. "Just had to get it."

"Very nice, Liz," Elliot said, rubbing his daughter's back.

"But..." Dickie continued. "There's the one I bought..."

"What is it?" Olivia asked and Lizzie shook her head.

"Maybe we should leave that one as a special one for when we take the family photo," she suggested.

"Good idea," replied Dickie with a proud grin. He wasn't into shopping but even he had been compelled to buy the infant a Christmas outfit.

"What is it?" Olivia repeated.

"You'll just have to wait, mom," Lizzie said with a giggle.

Olivia sighed; she supposed she could wait, it wouldn't be that long... she had other things to do in the meantime to occupy her time. There was the turkey and the ham and the vegetables, cranberry sauce, candles for the table, the wine to chill. Of course, there were also the presents to unwrap, the photos to take and in there somewhere she'd find time to hold her son, hug her stepchildren and cuddle with her husband in the armchair by the tree.

"...Mom? ...Liv?" Kathleen's voice broke through her thoughts. "Are you okay?"

Quickly, Olivia shook her head, "Yeah, I'm good, just thinking," she replied, turning her attention back to the carrots she was chopping.

"You seemed to be off in lalaland," she said, stilling the knife in Olivia's hand. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Smiling, Olivia placed the knife on the board and turned to face the young woman. "I am more than okay. I am very happy." Wrapping her arms around Kathleen, Olivia hugged her tightly. "Do you know I love you very much?"

"I know that, Liv.." she said tearfully. "Still can't believe it though."

"Can't believe what?" she asked, pulling back slightly.

"Because I was such a bitch – to dad and especially to you...and despite it all you still loved me," she whispered, her voice lost to the emotion.

"I love you because you are you. Sure, there were issues at the start but look at the wonderful young woman you are today, how could I not love you?" she questioned.

"Do you forgive me?" Kathleen asked, a tear sliding unchecked down her cheek.

"For what, baby?" Olivia asked pulling her close once more.

"For everything I did in the past," she said, resting her head against Olivia's shoulder.

"Of course...and as you said, it's all in the past. There's only bright days and sunshine ahead," she replied, kissing her head.

"You're optimistic," Kathleen replied. "We are in the depths of winter."

"Maybe out there," she commented, pointing to the kitchen window, "But not in here," she added tapping her chest. "In here the darkness has lifted for the first time in a long time."

"I'm so glad, mom, so glad," Kathleen replied, hugging her tightly.

Their moments together were interrupted when Elliot entered the room with James in his arms.

"Now, son, say goodnight to your mommy and sister," he said to the child, before looking up at the women and noticing two sets of eyes full of emotion. "Everything alright?" Both nodded. "Sure?" They nodded again.

"Well, James is going for a nap so he can be a part of things at lunch," Elliot informed them as Olivia, then Kathleen kissed the baby's head. "Is there something I should know?" he asked, still concerned there was something he didn't understand.

"No, we're good, daddy," said Kathleen before reaching out for her brother. "How about I put him to bed?"

.,.

When the door closed behind them, Elliot turned to his wife and wrapped her in his arms. With a deep, contented sigh, Olivia relaxed into his body, her arms encircling his waist.

"Gotta ask again, babe. Is everything alright?" he asked gently, raising her face.

"Everything's perfect!" she said with a grin before quickly kissing him and pulling back. "Well, it is now."

Prepared to let the topic drop, Elliot tugged her closer before kissing her deeply.

"You do know this is a food preparation area," Lizzie chided as she entered the kitchen.

"We do," replied Elliot, as Olivia nestled into his arms.

"Good, because if it positions were reversed, you'd be telling me off," she said with a chuckle.

"And just who would you be kissing, Liz?" Elliot asked and Lizzie's eyes widened.

"Jack Mitchell," Dickie offered entering behind his sister,

"Dickie!" Lizzie growled.

"What?" he retorted. "I know all about you and Jack getting hot and heavy at the Christmas dance."  
"Dickie! Shut up!" she growled again.

"Oh, so who is this Jack Mitchell and when do I get to meet him?" Elliot asked, smirking at his daughter's discomfort.

"He's no one and you won't meet him," she replied sharply. "And you, brother, are a dead man!"

"Now, now," Olivia said calmly. "There shouldn't be death threats on Christmas Day."

.,.

Before anyone else could speak the doorbell chimed.

"That'll be Mo," Lizzie said, turning quickly.

"Hey," Olivia called. "Eric will be with her and no one is to give him a hard time. Understood?" When no one replied she repeated herself. "Understood?"

"Yes, mom," Dickie and Lizzie said in unison before heading out to open the door.

"You've definitely got them under control," Elliot said with a chuckle.

"You aren't to give him a hard time either, understood?" Olivia replied, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, but, Liv, where's the fun in that?" he said with a pout.

"You play nice or you'll have your daughter to answer to," she remarked.

"I'm not scared of Maureen," he replied, puffing his chest out.

"And me to answer to," Olivia tacked on and Elliot grinned.

"If I'm naughty do I get spanked?" he sassed, pulling her close once more.

"That would hardly deter you, now would it?" she asked, draping her arms around his neck.

"Nope," he said with a laugh.

.,,

Taking her husband by the hand, Olivia kept a firm grip as a reminder to him to be nice. Something in her told her that Eric was the one and she didn't want Elliot to ruin it before it had a chance.

"You're crushing my hand," he whined as they reached the kitchen door.

"I'll do more than that if you embarrass Maureen," she warned.

"Is there something more going on with them than I know?" he asked as he prised her fingers from his hand.

"No," she replied. "But I get the feeling there will be so you behave."

"What do you mean?" he asked, tugging her around to face him.

"I mean I think he's the one for her – now, behave yourself."

.,.

Entering the living room, they were both surprised to find it was Don and Casey. Christmas greetings were exchanged before Casey handed Dickie the keys to her car.

"In my trunk you'll find a box of presents, can you get them for me?" she asked.

"Sure thing," he replied with a goofy grin, happy to do anything the ADA requested. His response was duly noted by his father – they'd speak of it later.

"Casey, we weren't expecting you until tonight," Olivia said, gesturing to the sofa.

"Yeah, sorry about that, a change of plans," she said dropping into the armchair. "Lachlan is coming in this afternoon rather than tomorrow so..." She grinned widely at the thought. They had only been dating for four months but for the first time in a long time she felt she was in a relationship that had so much potential.

"So, you ditched us..." Elliot chided and Casey smiled.

"You are staying for lunch though, right? Olivia asked, sitting on the arm of the sofa.

"Um, no, sorry," she replied, shaking her head. "Still have my lunch commitments."

The front door opened as Dickie hauled in a large box of brightly wrapped gifts, all adorned with red ribbons and bows.

"My goodness," Olivia muttered. "Don't tell me they are for us."

"Who else?" she replied, gesturing for Dickie to put the box on the coffee table, he duly obeyed.

"But I said not to," she protested. "It's way too much."

"No, it's not," Casey countered."Besides, this is your first family Christmas and I just wanted to play a small part," she added with a shrug.

.,.

After Elliot had brought in drinks and nibblies for everyone and Dickie had helped Don bring his gifts from the car, the family settled around the living room as Casey pulled the first one from the box.

"Do we have to wait for James and Mo and Eric?" Lizzie asked looking between her parents.

"Eric?" Casey and Don asked in unison.

"Mo's _boyfriend," _Lizzie said in an exaggerated manner. "And we have to be nice, or else!"

"Your father has you well trained," Casey said with a laugh.

"It wasn't dad it was mom," Dickie said pointing to Olivia.

Olivia just smiled.

"Do you want to wait?" Casey asked no one in particular.

"No," Dickie and Lizzie said in unison.

"Okay, then," Casey said as she placed the gift in her hand on the table. "That one's Mo's."

It only took a few moments to hand out the six presents to the six people present, Maureen's and James' ended up under the tree. Olivia felt more than bad that she only had one gift to offer in return and while it is something she knew Casey wanted it didn't seem much in light of her generosity.

"Why do you look so concerned?" she asked her friend as Olivia sat pondering this.

"You were so generous and..." she started to explain.

"Don't you dare worry about the cost of things," Casey replied in a stern voice. "After the year you've had just sit back and enjoy the luxuries of this day for the first time, okay?"

Olivia nodded.

.,.

With a quick ripping and shredding of paper the gifts were unwrapped. If Dickie wasn't already crushing over Casey, the present would have caused it. In his hands was a basketball with two courtside tickets for the next Knicks / Lakers game stuck on.

"Thought maybe you and your day would get a kick out of going," she whispered as he came over to thank her.

"Oh we will, we definitely will. Thank you, Casey," he said giving her a big hug, the second good thing about his present.

"God!" exclaimed Lizzie, jumping up and hugging Casey so tightly she struggled to breathe. "I so wanted to go and now I can! Thank you! Thank you!"

"You're welcome," she said, reciprocating the hug. "I hope you have a fantastic time."

"Where are you going, baby girl?" Elliot asked, picking up the P!nk live in concert DVD from the floor.

"Madison Square Garden!" she all but screamed. "Third row centre!" she added waving the P!nk tickets excitedly.

"Lucky girl," Olivia replied, smiling at the utter joy on the twins' faces.

.,.

Slowly, Kathleen opened the box in her lap. The twins had received amazing presents and she was a bit apprehensive about what she'd find. While she was grateful Casey had even gotten her a present, she couldn't help but think hers would be of much lesser value mainly due to the fact Casey had had more to do with her younger siblings and Maureen than herself.

Once the box was opened, Kathleen stared in disbelief at the contents. It was not possible. There was no way she could be seeing what she was seeing.

"Kat?" Olivia prompted, rubbing her arm. Kathleen looked up and Olivia saw the tears in her eyes. "What is it, honey?"

"Look!" Kathleen mouthed, pointing to the box. Olivia slid closer and peered in and smiled."Jimmy Choo's Beau in mink and the perfect size...just what I wanted." With extreme reverence, Kathleen pulled the shoes from their tissue paper home.

"How the hell do you walk in them?" Elliot questioned looking at the 4.9" heel.

"Very carefully," Casey said with a laugh.

"Oh, Casey, thank you so much," she said hugging her tightly. "You shouldn't have, I mean they are so expensive, but I am so glad you did."

"You're welcome, honey," Casey replied, patting her hand. "But I take no responsibility should you break anything."

"Deal!"

.,.

Elliot sat quietly and shook his head, the three gifts already revealed must tally close to $1000 and while he appreciated her generosity it really wasn't necessary.

"What's wrong, El?" Casey asked, spying his concern.

"You've spent a fortune and more than half the presents are still wrapped," he explained, trying hard not to sound ungrateful.

"Well, Elliot," she replied in her best court voice. "Here's how I see it: There has been so much that has happened this year, for all of you. This is your first Christmas as a family and after all the hard times this year I just wanted this one to be unforgettable. Next year, you'll be lucky to get a stick of gum, but this year, I just wanted to be a part of the magic of this day. Understand?" With tears threatening to take his voice Elliot nodded and Casey smiled. "Good. Now, open your present."

**AN: I'm thinking one, maybe two chapters to go. There are now 160 alerts on this story and only about 25 people on average who review...after 60 odd chapters, it's not too much to ask to hear from all those who are reading just once in this epic saga. Thanks.**


	64. Chapter 64

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction ****~ it's hard to believe it's been seven months already. Some scars will never heal.**

Obeying Casey, Elliot moved next to Olivia and held the present she'd given him; opening it he found a large, empty sterling silver frame with a question mark on a post-it note on the glass. Puzzled for a moment, he realised Olivia's was a matching present when he saw 'Elliot & Olivia' in Casey's handwriting scrawled in gold across a cream envelope in the box she'd opened. Holding it up, Elliot read 'Carter's Photography Studio' printed in the top left hand corner. As Olivia opened the envelope, Casey spoke.

"I really couldn't think of what to get you, so I decided it may be a great opportunity to capture what you do have for all eternity. The details are on the voucher, just ring them and make a time."

"Thank you so much," Olivia said, she'd never had a family portrait in her life and it overwhelmed her to think of having this opportunity.

"Thanks, Casey," Elliot echoed, leaning across the coffee table to kiss her cheek. "It's the perfect gift." Casey beamed.

Waiting patiently, Don sat quietly enjoying his first real family Christmas since the passing of his wife. All that changed when Casey turned to him.

"Your turn, Don," she said, pointing to the small gift in his hand.

Slowly he peeled off the ribbon and bow before breaking the bond of the tape.

"Oooh, hurry up," Lizzie said impatiently; the slow unwrapping of presents was a pet hate of hers.

Don looked up and winked at her before resuming at an even slower pace, if it was possible.

"Patience is a virtue, Liz," he said gently.

"Yeah, well, I'm not virtuous," she replied before catching the look of disapproval on her father's face. "Sorry, daddy," she said quickly. "I am virtuous, honest."

.#.

Looking back at Don, Lizzie found he'd discarded the paper to find a small black box. Opening the lid, he found a black onyx cuff link and stud set. Immediately tears filled his eyes and a lump closed his throat. Casey moved to him and patted his arm.

"I remembered our conversation at last year's Christmas party about how this was the present your wife was going to buy you for your birthday the year she died. I figured it was about time you had them," she said quietly and Don hugged her, whispering "thank you," as he did.

Needing to break the moment before he broke completely, Don swiped at his face and delved into the bag Dickie had brought in.

"I think it's my turn," he said, his voice still thick with emotion. The first box he brought out was a huge colourful one and he placed it on the table before handing Olivia the envelope that went with it. "This one's actually for James. It's a police car – figured he was a certainty for the family business," he explained, gesturing to the box. "That, however," he said, pointing to the envelope, "Is in case he's smart enough to choose something else."

Olivia opened the envelope to find it contained a newly opened college fund in the name of James Benson-Stabler with the first deposit of $3000. Opening her mouth to protest, Don stopped her by taking her hand, "Livvy, he's my grandbaby, right? My only one...so let me do this, please." Olivia could only nod and hug him tightly.

Handing two very similar parcels to the twins, both opened them to discover books. Dickie had 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for teens', while Liz had 'Life Lists for Teens'. Knowing they had to be grateful, both sincerely thanked Don before he passed two white envelopes to Olivia. She opened them to find cheques made out for the twins' college funds to the same amount.

"Don..." Elliot went to protest but once again Don interjected. "I know, I know," he said, "but you've got to know that I think of your four as my grandkids too..." Elliot could only hug him tightly. What Elliot wouldn't have given for his children to have had Don as their real grandfather, hell, what he wouldn't have given to have him as his old man.

As Maureen and Kathleen were both out of college, Don did the only fair thing and gave them equal value on a Visa Debit card. As Maureen's sat on the coffee table, Kathleen hugged the man tightly.

"Thank you, grandpa," she said, using the term for the first time. It hadn't felt right before and it wasn't just about the gift she'd received, it was about the amazing sense of family he had helped them create this year.

.#.

It was then Olivia and Elliot's turn next to receive their gift from their boss and friend. The box was about the size of shoe box and Don thought he should explain before they opened it.

"Look, I hope you're not too disappointed..." he started.

"Whatever it is, it will be well appreciated, Don," Olivia reassured him.

"But so you know, I was so caught up with organising the kids' gifts that I only remembered I hadn't got yours until yesterday...so it's a kind of last minute thing," he continued.

"Don, after the kids' gifts, there was certainly no need to get us anything," Elliot said, still humbled by what he had bestowed on his family.

"Just accept it," Don said, using his best captain voice, before winking at them.

Elliot handed the box to Olivia for her to open and she did, grinning when she saw the items in the box.

"What is it?" Elliot asked as Olivia started to laugh. She handed him the box and he started laughing too.

"What is it?" Casey asked curiously.

What it was, was an assortment pens...blue ones, black ones, ball point, felt tip, plastic, silver, capped, uncapped...all in all there would have been at least a hundred of the writing implements.

"I don't get it," Lizzie said, failing to see the humour of a gift.

"Well," Don said when her parents failed to speak. "Over the decade these two have been partners, I've seen more arguments between the two related to pens than any case they've ever worked. If it isn't your dad claiming Liv is stealing them, then it's Liv saying your dad is...Of course, that's when Liv's not complaining that your dad chews and sucks on them..."

As Don continued to give the twins and Kathleen an insight into their parents' pen wars, Elliot leaned into Olivia and whispered so low and seductively all parts of her quivered... "Bet you're not complaining about my oral fixations now."

.#.

Last, out of the bag, Don pulled out Casey's present. It was a box of tea items – a pot, strainer, china cup and saucer and an assortment of expensive teas. With it was a rather substantial voucher for Borders Books.

"You say you find reading the best way to relax, short of a trip to the Caribbean...I figured a trip to the book store might be easier to schedule for you than a vacation."

"Thank you, Don," she said, kissing his cheek. "I think there's enough here for a library of books."

"Then you should have a relaxing year," he said with a laugh.

After more drinks and a phone call from Maureen saying she would be at least another hour, Olivia and Elliot decided to hand out their gifts for their guests. Handing a red and green striped box, Olivia felt a little guilty. While she knew Don wouldn't care about the value, it didn't seem enough to thank him for his generosity; not only for today but for their wedding, his contribution to their house, he's amazing flexibility and support as their captain as they tried to juggle work around Elliot's illness and then Olivia's pregnancy, for everything he'd done before that.

"I'm sure I'll love it," he said quietly, when he realised Olivia wasn't letting go of the box.

"Oh, sorry," she said quickly. "Just caught up in some thoughts."

"It's been a hell of a year, hasn't it?" he said, reading her mind.

"Oh, yeah," she answered with a sigh. "Merry Christmas, Don," she said, kissing his cheek.

Opening his gift he found a white tee and mug, both with 'World's Greatest Grandpa' emblazoned on them and he grinned broadly. It didn't matter whatever else was in the box or how much or how little they cost, the message alone was worth more to him than a thousand college fund contributions.

"Thank you," he said hoarsely as emotion threatened to take his voice. "It means everything to me."

Inhaling deeply, he pulled out a leather binder filled with a wad of yellowing paper. Opening the cover his breath caught; he was looking at an original script of Easy Rider which happened to have been autographed by Henry Fonda. He studied it intently...his all-time favourite movie, his all-time favourite actor... and suddenly he felt like a star struck teen.

"Remember that stake out we did..." Elliot said, breaking into his thoughts. "I think it was fall 2003... seven hours of nothing in front of that apartment building on Madison?"

Don nodded, they had spent at least four of those hours discussing the best movies ever made and for at least two of those hours he explained his love of Easy Rider – complete with movie quotes, cast notes and even critiques.

"Well, I just thought you'd like it," Elliot said as Don came over and hugged him tightly.

"Yeah, I like it very much."

Elliot broke from his embrace with his boss to Casey and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

"This is no way makes up for everything you've done for Liv and me this year," he said, kissing her cheek "So, just think of it as an appreciative gesture."

Opening the envelope she'd been handed, Casey found a voucher for a day's spa treatment at the Elizabeth Arden Red Door Salon and Spa.

"Oh, I've wanted to go to that place since it opened, now I have no choice," she said, kissing Elliot. "Thank you both very much."

"When do we get to open our presents?" Dickie said, pointing to the gifts still under the tree.

"When Mo and Eric get here," Olivia answered as the baby monitor sprung to life and James' cries rang out.

"And when your brother joins us," Elliot added, standing to go up and see his son.

"I'll get him," Olivia said, "he probably needs a feed."

"Well, I'll come help," he replied, really just wanting some alone time with his beautiful wife to give her her Christmas present.

"This could take a while," Lizzie said rolling her eyes.

"Elizabeth," Elliot warned, today was not the day to be making such comments and with his tone he conveyed that message clearly.

"Sorry, dad, mom," she said sheepishly.

.#.

Casey stood and popped the gifts she'd received into the box Dickie had brought in for her. "I have to get going," she said, hugging Olivia and Elliot before they headed upstairs. "Have a wonderful, wonderful Christmas and I'll call you tomorrow."

"You have a wonderful time with Lachlan and remember we want to meet the man," Olivia said, hugging her again.

"And soon," Elliot added before wrapping his arm around his wife. "Got to make sure he's good enough for you."

"That's why you haven't met him yet," Casey replied with a laugh.

As Elliot and Olivia saw to their youngest son, Don made his way to the kitchen with Kathleen to check on the turkey, while the twins sorted the rubbish from the gifts in the living room, moving Maureen's gifts to the edge of the coffee table so she could catch up quickly. Olivia settled in the rocking chair to nurse her son. She was far more comfortable breastfeeding around others now and there was no reason she couldn't go down and do this in the living room, however, she wanted the precious few moments alone with her child. This, after all, was her first Christmas as a mom and having her first family Christmas – it all was a bit overwhelming.

Sensing she wanted some mommy and me time with James, Elliot headed to the bedroom to retrieve the special gift he'd bought her. While under the tree were the jeans and sweater she wanted, actually they were the jeans and sweater she'd bought for herself and he'd just written the card, this gift he had bought himself and had been waiting for a private moment to give it to her.

"Hey, babe, how's it going in here?" he said when he returned towards the end of James' feed.

"We're nearly done, daddy," Olivia replied as she caressed her husband's face.

Kneeling down alongside her, Elliot gazed down at his feeding son and traced the curve of the boy's cheek. James' big eyes studied his father and it was to Elliot's continuing joy that his youngest son's eye colour hadn't changed – still one blue, one brown. A few people had called it odd, he called it perfection.

"Merry Christmas, my baby boy," Elliot whispered as James let go of Olivia's nipple, his tummy full.

"Merry Christmas to you, daddy," Olivia replied, handing him the child as she fixed herself up. "We love you very much."

"Love you both too," he replied, kissing the child's head before finding Olivia's lips. "So much, babe."

.#.

As Olivia headed to the door, Elliot tugged her hand and led them back to the rocking chair. He sat, cradling James in one hand before guiding Olivia to sit on his knee.

"I know we should get back downstairs," he began to explain. "But I just wanted a few minutes with you guys," he said, and Olivia smiled before leaning into him as he wrapped his arm around her.

"Pretty amazing day," she said, kissing his cheek.

"Yeah, it is," he agreed, emotion welling within him. "Never imagined we'd be here...definitely can't believe we have this one with us right now."

"Never imagined?" she questioned, pulling back to look at him.

"Well..." he drawled. "Maybe I did imagine it. I frequently 'imagined' you and me...imagined, dreamt, fantasised..."

"I know what you mean," she replied, nestling back into him. "It's a definitely miracle though – you and me...and baby making three...and the other four making seven...talk about population explosion."

"It's a lot for you, isn't it?" he said gently, he knew she was feeling things deeply today, simply by the way she looked at him.

"Yeah, it's all good though," she said quietly. "Just trying to take it all in."

"If you need time today or just need a hug, you make sure you come to me, okay?" he said, kissing her cheek.

"I will," she reassured him.

.#.

Finally, Olivia figured they should get back downstairs and she went to stand but Elliot kept her still.

"Before we go, Livia, I've got something for you," he said quietly. "It's in my pocket," he added, nodding to the side he was holding James. "As I have my hands full you'll have to get it yourself."

Olivia laughed. "Are you sure there's a present in there or do you just want me to cop a feel?"

"There's definitely a present, but the feel is a bonus," he said with a chuckle.

With some manoeuvring, Olivia retrieved the box and opened it; her tears fell instantly.

"My god, it's so beautiful," she murmured, gazing down at the gold filigree heart shaped locket necklace.

"Open it," Elliot whispered and watched her face as she followed his instruction.

Inside, Olivia found a picture of James from the day of his birth and a lock of his hair.

"I know you love my four so much and you don't play favourites, but this little guy is something pretty incredible and I think it's because he's a little of you and a little of me," Elliot said, kissing her head. "And this is just a little reminder of what our love can do."

At a loss for words, Olivia threw her arms around him and held him tight. Content to stay that way forever, she was interrupted when James squirmed and burped.

"Guess that means you want to see your grandpa and sisters and brother, hey little man?" Olivia asked and was sure James agreed.

Before they headed out, Elliot handed the child back to his mother before placing the necklace around her throat and fixing the clasp. "Just perfect," he whispered, though it was more in reference to the mother of his son than the jewellery.

**AN: Thanks for reviewing.**


	65. Chapter 65

Disclaimer 1: If only they were mine, alas, they belong to Mr Wolf.

Disclaimer 2: I'm doing my best with the medical stuff, please don't take my interpretation as best or only way to treat NHL. While I'm trying to make it as close as I can, some of it is done for the sake of the story. Also, there may be misinformation but that is intentional and will be revealed throughout the story. I've Googled all medical information and consulted reputatable sites, so, having said all that... here it is...

**Dedicated to my beautiful state of Victoria, devastated by the horror of February 7th, the souls lost and the tragic destruction ****~ it's hard to believe it's been seven months already. Some scars will never heal.**

**AN.... This is the final chapter (bar the epilogue). Please read notes at the end.**

Christmas morning had disappeared before Maureen opened the front door with her key and let herself and Eric in. Surprised to find the living room empty, she deposited their presents by the sofa before taking Eric's coat and hanging it in the closet.

"Hello?" she called out when hers was hung alongside his.

"Hey, Merry Christmas, Mo," Olivia said, coming down the stairs before hugging her. "And you must be Eric, pleased to meet you," she said, shaking his extended hand. "Merry Christmas, Eric. I'm so glad you could join us."

"It's a pleasure to meet you too, Mrs Stabler," he said nervously. "And Merry Christmas to you too."

Elliot hugged his daughter before turning to the young man beside her.

"Mom, dad, this is Eric," Maureen said belatedly.

"I'm pleased...a pleasure to meet you, sir," Eric stumbled as Maureen rubbed his back.

"Pleased to meet you," Elliot replied, giving him the once over. He was about to say something but felt Olivia's fingers dig into his arm. "Glad you could join us," he said instead.

Under the gaze of Maureen's father, Eric sat uncomfortably at the end of the sofa, Maureen propped on the arm beside him. As Elliot went to get the younger man some coffee, Maureen put an arm around his shoulders.

"Don't mind, dad," she whispered. "He may appear tough but he's a teddy bear at heart."

"Yeah, sure," Eric replied, unconvinced.

"Don't you mind him," Olivia reassured him as she settled in the armchair with James. "He'll have to answer to me if he carries on with anything."

"And Livvy's tougher than dad anyway," Maureen whispered as Elliot came back in.

Deciding Christmas Day was not the time to interrogate the young man who, according to his wife, was 'the one' for his eldest daughter, Elliot placed the mugs onto the coffee table before sitting on the arm of his wife's armchair.

"Mo, you're here!" Lizzie exclaimed, running over to hug her. "Merry Christmas, Mo," she said enthusiastically before checking out Eric. "Oooh, you must be_ Eric,_" she gushed.

"Elizabeth," Elliot rumbled and Lizzie immediately stepped back and looked guilty.

"Sorry, dad," she said sheepishly.

"Looks like I missed out on some presents," Maureen said, changing the topic. "Wow – Jimmy Choos!" she exclaimed as Kathleen lifted up the box.

"Yeah, totally awesome," Kathleen replied. "They were from Casey."

"Casey? Really?" Maureen said in disbelief.

"Yeah, her presents were unbelievable," said Dickie.

"And so were grandpa's," added Lizzie. "So you best open yours so we can get on with the rest."

../..

Thrusting the gift Casey had left for into his eldest sister's hand, Dickie picked up the second gift, to ensure no time was wasted. Unwrapping the present, Maureen gasped.

"I don't believe it," she muttered. "I can't believe she remembered."

"What is it, cupcake?" Eric asked quietly peering into the box.

"Cupcake?" Elliot mouthed to Olivia and she glared at him.

"It's the camera I was talking to her about on Halloween...it's a Sony Cybershot W230," she reeled off before even removing the wrapping.

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Eric. "You can use it when we go away next weekend."

"Oh, and where would you be going?" Elliot asked, avoiding his wife's glare.

"To Boston to see my parents for the New Year," Eric answered. "They were expecting me home for today and were a bit disappointed I stayed in town – going for New Year's is a trade off."

"I can understand their disappointment," he replied with genuine sincerity. Personally, he would have been devastated had Maureen missed this Christmas because it was Olivia and James' first family Christmas and everyone needed to be there to make it perfect. "I'm glad you are both here."

"Well, when Mo explained why this one was important I spoke to my folks and while they'd been planning on me being home for two years now, they understood...and said to wish you both all the best," he said quietly, not too comfortable being the focus of everyone's attention.

Too choked with emotion to reply, Elliot leant across and shook Eric's hand once more. "We really appreciate it."

../..

After opening Don's present, the family gifts were exchanged and while there was nothing as extravagant as the earlier gifts, they were gratefully received as each knew this Christmas could have been one of sadness, had Elliot not recovered as well as he did. From their parents, Maureen received the leather jacket she'd been saving for, Kathleen received Louis Vuitton luggage while the twins received an iphone each. James received an assortment of toys and clothes, however, more interested in watching the flickering Christmas tree lights than anything else.

Handing her son over to Maureen, Olivia headed to the kitchen to check on lunch, when she hadn't reappeared a few minutes later, Elliot went to give her a hand. Instead of finding her in the kitchen, he found her sitting on the swing on the back porch tears streaming down her face as she fingered the locket he'd given her.

"Hey, Livia," he said, running over to her and wrapping his arms around her. "Baby, what's wrong?" When she didn't answer, he pulled her closer and tried to warm her against the winter chill.

"Sweetheart, baby," he said, sitting beside her and pulling her into his lap."Talk to me," he pleaded but Olivia only cried harder.

For at least five minutes he held and kissed her, tried to get her to talk, tried to console her but it seemed to make no difference. Needing to get to the bottom of this breakdown, Elliot was determined to sit with his wife for as long as it took. However, when Don walked out onto the porch minutes later looking for one of them to help settle James, he realised he had to be the one who went. Looking from his wife to his boss, Elliot sighed but Don just nodded and when Elliot departed, Don removed his jacket and draped it around Olivia before sitting next to her and taking her ice cold hands in his, rubbing them to generate heat.

../..

As he sat in silence with her, Olivia's breathing began to slow and her tears subsided. Taking the handkerchief, Don offered her Olivia dried her face and blew her nose before resting her head on his shoulder.

"You don't have to talk to me, honey," Don began very quietly. "But can I talk to you?" Olivia nodded. "If I remember last Christmas, and a few of the ones before that, you worked and spent today fielding calls or reviewing files. You did it so Elliot and Fin and anyone else with kids could spend the days with loved ones and while you told yourself it was your good deed for Christmas it was because there was never anyone at home to spend the day with. And over all those years you wanted this family Christmas for yourself more than anything but managed to convince yourself you'd never have it and perhaps that you didn't deserve it."

In his peripheral vision, Don saw Olivia nodding. "Given the year you've had has been a whirlwind of emotion, you probably figured you'd gotten through everything and coped with it all. Then with the hustle and bustle of Christmas preparations, you didn't really have a chance to think about the emotions this day would bring up; and you were doing really well until the presents were exchanged."

"How'd you know?" she whispered, unaware Elliot had returned and was standing silently at the back door.

"I was watching you," he admitted. "The kids were all caught up with their presents and you spent a lot of the time staring at James' probably trying to remind yourself that it was all real."

"Yeah, it was getting a bit much," Olivia acknowledged.

"And when the twins gave you the robe with 'mom' embroidered on it..." he continued.

"It all hit home," she finished for him. "I've been alone for so long, Don, and while I have everything I ever dreamed of, it was quite possible that I could have had nothing... I mean I never would have wished for El to get sick, but had he never had that bastard of a disease I'd probably be sitting at the 1-6 right now and while...while..." her voice faltered.

"And while you could cope with that, it would mean you would never have had James' and that's the thought that broke you?" he offered and Olivia nodded.

"And I kept it all together, because I've become an expert at that during my life, but do you know what provided the last straw?" she asked, wiping her nose once more. Don shook his head. "I went into the kitchen, looked outside and it was snowing. As if Christmas wasn't perfect enough already, I get my first true white Christmas. What did I deserve such perfection?"

"You are perfection," Elliot answered, padding across the porch to kneel down in front of her. "You are perfect and amazing and incredible and He finally got around to giving you what you deserved. Rather than giving it to you a bit at a time He decided to give it to you all at once."

../..

Don disappeared into the house and Elliot took his place on the swing. "And I know getting cancer was what got us together, Livia, but you have to know I loved you before I got it and at some stage I would have gotten my act together and told you. Maybe not in time for this Christmas but I would have ... and in my heart and in my dreams James was always there...though sometimes he was a girl, but I always believed we would have all this. I honestly did."

"Really?" she questioned, dropping her head to his shoulder.

"Most definitely, Livia," he replied firmly. "I may be slow but I'm not stupid. Life gives you opportunities and I missed mine with you - the cancer was a wakeup call to get my priorities back in order and to do the right thing by you...and by me and make sure you knew how much I love you."

"I love you so much," she whispered, leaning in to kiss him. "Sorry for the meltdown."

"No need to apologise, baby," he said gently. "Getting everything all at once can be overwhelming. We talked about this earlier though, in the nursery, you could have talked to me about it, I would have listened, I could have held you and kissed you."

"I really thought I'd be okay. It kinda snuck up on me," she said quietly. "One minute I was holding our baby and the next I felt like I couldn't get enough air..."

"And now?" he asked, caressing her face, wishing he could take away every hurt, every insecurity, every heartache from her conscious memory.

"Now, I'm okay," she said, smiling at him. "Though I wouldn't mind if we sat here for another few minutes and you just held and kissed me."

../..

Manoeuvring them both, Elliot wrapped Olivia up as tight as he could to preserve their combined body heat. Kissing her head, he whispered his love repeatedly – making sure she knew just how deeply his love for her ran. As Olivia watched the snowfall, Elliot watched her – his face reflecting the same joy hers did as she began to enjoy her white Christmas.

"God, you are beautiful," he whispered as her eyes sparkled with happiness.

"So are you," she echoed, turning around to caress his face. "Oh, Elliot, you're so cold, baby," she said, standing up and tugging his hand. "Come back inside."

"I'm okay," he replied but allowed himself to be tugged back into the warmth of their home.

Making their way through the door, Olivia remembered the mistletoe Lizzie had hung above it. Draping her arms around Elliot's neck, Olivia drew him closer before brushing her lips across his repeatedly, each time declaring her endless love and devotion. Finally, her lips claimed his and her hands moved to cradle his head before her fingers raked through his growing locks, another sign the good times were with them.

"When you're ready," Dickie interrupted them. "Mo wants to take a family Christmas picture with her new camera."

"That's a great idea," Elliot said, pulling back slightly, his eyes never leaving Olivia's.

"Yes, it is a great idea," Olivia echoed, gazing at Elliot.

"Well, everyone's ready," Dickie reminded them, knowing it would still be a few minutes before they joined the others.

When they did, the family was already partially assembled on the stairs. Lizzie and Dickie were sitting together halfway up the staircase, while Don was sitting on the step in front of the cradling James. Realising he'd had a change of clothes, Olivia moved to take a closer look at her son before smiling broadly. The infant's 'first Christmas' jumpsuit had been replaced by a reindeer suit and although she knew she was extremely biased, Olivia had to declare him the most gorgeous baby she'd ever seen.

"He gets that from you," Elliot reminded her as she sat beside done and cooed at her son. Don went to hand the child back but Olivia shook her head.

"No, you can hold him," she said, wrapping her arm around the man who was their boss but who had become so much more.

Elliot sat down beside her while Kathleen sat beside Don. Maureen and Eric were busy with the settings on the camera and eventually Maureen was ready.

"Okay, we're set to go," she said and Eric put his hand out.

"I'll take it Maureen," he said and Maureen handed him the camera.

"It has an automatic function, doesn't it?" Elliot asked as Olivia laced her fingers through his.

"Yeah, it does," Maureen replied.

"Well, set the timer – you need to be in the photo too," he said, smiling as Olivia squeezed his hand. "After all, it's out first family photo and you're part of the family."

With the timer set, Maureen and Eric sat in front of the others and smiled widely as the flash went off.

Reviewing the picture on the computer, not long after, Olivia couldn't stop the tears welling up. Turning to find Elliot, she beckoned him over and wrapped an arm around him as she pointed to the monitor. "I've got to tell you, El, that this is the most amazing photograph I've ever seen...I'm going to enlarge it and frame it and keep it on the mantle forever."

"Gotta tell you, baby, fighting back was the hardest thing I've done but this..." he said, tapping the screen makes it all worthwhile."

"Thank you for them," she whispered, before kissing his cheek.

"Thank you for you," he countered, kissing her back.

"Love you so much, Elliot Benson – Stabler," she declared, framing his face with her hands.

"Love you so much, Olivia Benson – Stabler," he said, pulling her closer.

As their lips collided and love flowed between the pair, the rest of the family mingled around them, enjoying the day, the company and love which had brought them altogether.

**AN: Well, after 65 chapters, what can I say? It's been an incredible journey for me personally and as a writer and I humbly thank each and everyone of you who have taken the time to review and to send messages to me during the more difficult periods. I have ended the story here on a happy note but will let you know there will be a multi chaptered epilogue coming soon (in a month or so) which picks up about 5 years from now so we can see where they are in their lives.**

**To Fi, thank you for everything...this story will always be special as it's through it we met. **

**To Nat, I love your unfailing enthusiasm for and encouragement of anything I write.**

**And to Michelle, whose battle inspired the story. I love you and miss you so much. xox**


	66. Chapter 66

Disclaimer: same old same old

_**Please see AN at the end**_

Epilogue ~ Five Years Later

Dusting the living room, Olivia paused as she picked up the framed photo taken at Christmas five years previous. She couldn't help but smile at the happy faces looking back up at her as they celebrated James' first Christmas and Elliot's recovery from Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. She couldn't help the tears which tumbled when she thought of how Elliot wouldn't be with them this Christmas. Like many whom suffer from NHL, Elliot had succumbed to the insidious disease four months previous after a short battle when the illness recurred.

"Mommy," called Michael as he tugged at her shirt.

"Hey, baby," she said scooping up her two and a half year old and burying her face in his curly brown hair.

"Mommy sad," he said, patting her face.

"Mommy's sad," Olivia agreed with a sniffle. "I was just thinking of your daddy," she said pointing to his picture. Michael was three days shy of turning two when Elliot died and she knew he was too young to have retained a memory of him.

"Daddy's dead," he said, gently touching the photo.

"Yes, he is," she agreed. "He's up in Heaven with God," she added. While she wasn't religious, Elliot was and he wanted the children to believe in the concept of Heaven and Hell and she had willingly carried out his wishes.

"Up there," Michael said pointing upwards.

"Yep, up there," she said kissing her boy. "Are you hungry?"

"Yes, mommy," he said hugging her.

Lunch was a quiet affair with Olivia's thoughts still on Elliot and Michael being engrossed in his food. When the dishes were cleared away, Michael was put down for his nap while Olivia tried to pull herself together before James returned from school.

With it being a Friday, Dickie picked up his brother from school as he had no afternoon classes in the last year of his NYU Steinhardt undergraduate course. During the week he stayed in Olivia's old apartment but Friday's he picked up James and headed home to spend time with Olivia, his young brothers and any other family member who called in over the weekend.

It was something he had done on and off since he started at NYU, the social life of a college student often taking up his weekends in the early days. However, when Elliot took ill in February he was home every weekend and many weeknights, when he passed away in April, Dickie offered to drop his course but Olivia was adamant that he finish it.

Still, he tried to spend as much time at home as he could. In the days before Elliot died, Dickie had sat by his side, sometimes lay by his side and they had a few very personal father-son talks, the key message was that Dickie was the man of the house and needed to look after Olivia and the kids for him – something he willingly agreed to, he just hadn't told Olivia.

Every day, Olivia spoke to Maureen, sometimes several times a day. She and Eric had married three years previous and she'd never seen Elliot look as proud as he did the day he walked his eldest daughter down the aisle. Dressed in the gown Olivia had worn for her marriage to Elliot, she looked absolutely stunning and Olivia wasn't all too sure he wouldn't burst with pride. That was until 18 months ago when Maureen placed his first granddaughter, Ava, into his arms.

Living in Bridgeport, CT, Maureen hated the fact she was over an hour away as she couldn't just call in, still Eric needed to be there for work and so she compensated by phoning and Skyping Olivia every day. Sometimes it was just to say hi, sometimes to ask for advice. Some days it was just so she could show off Ava's latest outfit. And, Olivia did the same, glad she had such a wonderful relationship with her eldest step daughter, and someone who was bringing up children as well.

Kathleen was a different story, as she always had been. Finishing college, she had taken off to travel the world and every few weeks there would be a postcard in the letter box from some foreign land; once a month or so a package would arrive with toys or t-shirts for the boys. She seldom phoned, the time difference and the expense key factors, but she did email and post photos on her Facebook account which Olivia copied and printed for herself and the boys. While it wasn't an ideal relationship, she knew Kathleen could have just as easily departed three years ago and disappeared, but she didn't and the moment she heard that Elliot had relapsed she booked her ticket home. She flew out again two weeks after he was buried.

Surprising them all with her career choice, Lizzie had announced over dinner early in her last year of high school that she was going to be a Marine, just like her dad. The family had been supportive, but no one expected she would see it through, after all, she had declared a few weeks earlier she was going to join the NYPD and a few weeks before that she was applying to UCLA so she could get some sun. To her credit though, she committed herself to the physical training she needed to and was accepted into the NROTC at Annapolis, selecting the Marine midshipman option.

It was incredibly difficult for her, the lifestyle of a Marine not what she had ever planned for herself. The early mornings still annoyed her but she was proud to serve and did so with dedication, integrity and pride. Currently, she was a first lieutenant stationed at MCLB Barstow working with families. It was a long way from home, 2353 miles across the country to be exact. Still, it was closer than her last posting, Iraq. For the six months she was in the warzone Elliot had felt ill, he'd spend his free time searching the internet for the latest news and drive Olivia mad with all his theories.

The day Lizzie was injured by shrapnel when insurgents attacked the base she was in, Olivia was home alone to get the news and she was thankful. When she broke the news to her husband she thought he was going to pass out, such was his instant pallor and need for a seat. Thankfully, though her left arm and leg bore the scars of impact and subsequent surgery, there was no permanent damage. However, she did apply for a transfer to Barstow as soon as she heard of it.

After Elliot's diagnosis, she was able to fly home for the weekend and pinned her Purple Heart onto his pyjama top as he slept. Tragically, it was the last thing she did for him as he died the day before she was due to arrive home on her next lot of leave. He was buried with her medal.

"We're home," Dickie announced opening the front door and ushering James in.

"We're home," James echoed looking around for his mom.

"You're later than..." she began before she saw both of her boys with new, very short hair cuts. "Oh."

"Hope you don't mind, mom," Dickie said, dropping James' school bag on the armchair. "But we're having a special visitor this weekend and we needed to look our best."

"Oh, did you?" she said with a grin. There had been a certain special someone in Dickie's life of late and, for all her detective work, she could only find out her name was Paige and she had been an arts major at NYU until she had moved to Boston to complete her course.

"We did," James said, at nearly six, he idolised his older brother and usually agreed with everything the older boy said.

"And when will our guest arrive?" Olivia asked, checking her watch.

"I have to pick her up later tonight and I thought she could use Lizzie's room," he said. "She's looking forward to coming with us to the fair tomorrow."

"Great," Olivia replied, the more hands the better as Maureen was coming in the morning with Ava to join the fun and the boys could get a bit silly when cotton candy came into the equation.

After dinner, as Dickie bathed and readied the boys for bed, Olivia stripped and remade Lizzie's bed for Paige. She ran the dust cloth over the bookshelves and desks and made some room in a draw in case she needed. Retrieving some towels from the cupboard, she left them on a chair in the room to ensure they were there when she needed them.

As Olivia settled the boys into bed, with their regular nightly stories, Dickie left for the airport. Reading the Cat in the Hat for the umpteenth time, Olivia got a bit teary. She was about to meet Dickie's girlfriend and while she and Elliot had met a couple of other girls he had brought home, there was something about the relationship he had with Paige. She knew Dickie and Elliot had talked about her during one of their man to man chats, Elliot wanting to impress on his son the need to be proactive in safe sex, not wanting his son to follow his lead.

Now, she was coming and he wasn't there to meet her. Not for the first time since his passing had she been reduced to tears by the number of things he would miss.

When the boys were asleep, she went downstairs to organise supper brushing away tears as she went. Opening the fridge, she stopped to look at a photo stuck to it of Elliot and Ava and the tears tumbled. She had spoken to Ava on Skype that morning and the girl had held up a photo of Olivia and Elliot and said 'Gama and Pa'. Something Elliot had never heard.

"What's wrong, mom?" came the voice from behind her and she turned around and burst into tears when she saw Lizzie.

"Oh, Lizzie, you're the surprise! I'm so happy to see you," she cried, closing the gap and hugging her tightly.

"Oh, mom," she said pulling back slightly and brushing away her stepmother's tears. "You thinking of dad?"

"Yeah," Olivia said, drying her face. "It just gets to me at times."

"Me too," she agreed, hugging her again.

Over supper they caught up on all the main news of recent times and by midnight Dickie had taken himself to bed while the ladies chatted.

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming home?" Olivia asked, smoothing down Lizzie's hair.

"I wanted it to be a surprise," she said, "And I wasn't sure if I could swing it – didn't want to disappoint you or the boys."

"They've missed you," she said, "We all have."

"I've missed you all too," she replied. "And I guess that's one of the reasons I came home this weekend..."

"What reason?" she asked, a little confused.

"My four years in the Marine Corps are nearly up and I need to decide if I'm re-upping or not."

"What are you thinking?" Olivia asked, not sure if she wanted to hear the answer.

"Up until dad died I was going to be a career Marine," she said. "Then when he died and I hadn't got to say goodbye I started thinking that maybe I should be home...I don't want to miss things again...not just that but I missed the kids' birthdays," she said, referring to her younger brothers and to her niece. "I've made one Thanksgiving in four and not one Christmas..."

"You know being a Marine means sacrifices," Olivia said gently and Lizzie nodded.

"I know," she replied. "And I have made sacrifices..." she said.. "I guess... well, what would dad think about it?"

For a few moments Olivia thought about her late husband and what he's perspective would be.

"I know he would be incredibly proud of what you've already done and he would want you to do whatever you felt was right for you. He would say life is too short for regrets and, so long as you had something to go to, then you should do whatever you want."

"And what do you think?" she asked, although she knew it would be in essence what she just said.

"I think that if you're questioning it so much then maybe you've already made up your mind," Olivia said taking her hand. "And maybe you just want someone to say it's the right thing."

"Maybe you're right," she said with a yawn, and then another one.

"Okay, missy," Olivia said getting to her feet. "It's late, you're exhausted and we have a big day at the fair tomorrow...not to mention two boys who will be pounding on your door once they know it's you that's home."

Saturday morning dawned as a picture perfect August day; bright blue, cloudless skies, a gentle breeze and the sun showing signs of a warm day ahead.

"Mommy!" James called bursting through her door. "It's eight thirty o'clock and it's time to get up."

"Huh?" Olivia mumbled rolling over to the source of the noise.

"It's eight thirty o'clock," he repeated insistently. "And we're going to the fair and we have to get up and get ready and Dickie is making breakfast and Michael and me are dressed and everything!" he babbled and Olivia couldn't help but smile.

"Okay, okay," she said with a yawn. "I'm getting up."

"Good because Mo called and said they were 15 minutes away and Dickie said our visitor was still asleep but would be ready really quickly once she knew breakfast is ready," he rambled as Olivia swung her legs over the edge.

"Okay," she repeated. "Why don't you go and tell Dickie that I will have a quick shower and be down for breakfast in 10 minutes."

"Okay," he agreed running to the door. "But just 10 minutes – no more."

Knowing her five year old couldn't quite tell the time yet, Olivia knew she could extend the time a little and wandered into the kitchen 20 minutes later as Dickie was putting the last of the toast onto the table.

"Just in time, mom," he said, gesturing to the array of plates with bacon, scrambled eggs, mushrooms and toast.

"Looks great," she said, kissing his head as she passed him by, heading for the coffee. "Thank you, and good morning."

"Good morning to you too," he said as he helped James fill his plate before assisting Michael.

"Is you-know-who up?" she asked quietly.

"Should be down very shortly," he replied, sitting alongside Michael. "Is she okay?" he asked, concerned about his twin. From the short time he spent with her the night before he sensed she was troubled but couldn't get her to say.

"I'm not sure," Olivia said honestly. "I'll keep you posted."

"Ditto," he replied as the kitchen door opened.

"Any breakfast for me?" Lizzie asked and James spun in his seat.

"LIZZIE!" he screamed before racing to her and jumping up into her arms. "Lizzie! You're home!"

"Just for the weekend," she said before smothering him in kisses. "I've missed you, kiddo."

"Missed you too, Lizzie – whizzie," he said hugging her tightly.

Olivia wasn't too sure about the origins of this close relationship. She could understand James' close relationship with Dickie as they saw him all the time, and would understand if he showed such adoration to Maureen, as she was a regular visitor. But Lizzie had been away since before he turned two and had been home a handful of times since. Still, from the time the boy was born until she left for Annapolis the pair were inseparable and Olivia could only believe that this was where their closeness was born.

After Lizzie placed the boy back in his chair, she moved around the table to hug and kiss Michael but the young child was more interested in his bacon than his sister. Sitting alongside James, Lizzie quickly filled her plate and happily ate and chatted away. Once Maureen arrived there were more squeals of delight as the sisters reunited, they had maintained as close a relationship as possible and had been counting down until they could be in the same room once more, Maureen just didn't know that would be today.

"Oh Mo, Ava is adorable," she said scooping up her niece and hugging her closely. "Hello, gorgeous girl...you are getting so big," she added, kissing her head. "Look at you all dressed up in your Osh Kosh overalls...all ready for a day at the fair."

"Lizzie!" Ava said, clapping her chubby hands. "Liz! Liz! Liz!"

It was just before eleven that the family made their way to the fair, Olivia driving the Ford Explorer It was big enough for the seven of them and while she didn't usually need all that room, she couldn't bear to trade it in. It was something Elliot had wanted and bought when they found out they were expecting Michael and wanted a new car and something they could take on family trips. He loved it and so she was going to keep it...for now, anyway.

"Mommy, can I go on the Ferris wheel and the dodgem cars and the carousel and the..." James said from the back seat. "And the...the...those spinny things and can we get cotton candy and corn dogs and ..."

"James," she replied. "We've just eaten."

"I know but..." he said and continued to ramble on excitedly about the day's schedule.

Olivia let it all wash over her and fought her tears. She recalled this same day last year when she and Elliot brought the three boys. She spent much of the day with Michael while Elliot, Dickie and James had a blast on all the rides. It was just another thing that made her miss her husband and another thing that she hated doing without him.

"You okay?" Maureen whispered from the front passenger seat.

"Yeah," she said with a sigh.

"Dad?" she asked glancing behind her to make sure the others were occupied.

"Aha," she replied as she indicated to turn left. "Just remembering last year...and missing him."

There wasn't much to say and so Maureen reached out and patted her arm. "I miss him too."

The day at the fair was a fun-filled blur of rides, fast food, animals, games and novelty prizes. Hour after hour the twins kept James entertained as Maureen and Olivia opted for the more sedate experiences with the youngest of the clan. Meeting up for lunch, James babbled away about the Matterhorn and Olivia paled at his description.

"You took him on the Matterhorn?" she questioned. "That goes so fast."

"It was so cool, mom," he said. "I sat between Dickie and Lizzie and we screamed and screamed."

"Doesn't sound like fun," she said, shaking her head.

"Oh, it was," he said. "I can take you on it after lunch and hold your hand if you're scared," the five year old offered and they all laughed.

By the time they headed home it was with three very happy and exhausted children, and the four adults knew they were in for a quiet night as the kids would be bedded down early and most likely sleep soundly all night. And that's how events transpired and by seven the four sat around the living room with a range of drinks and snacks spending precious time catching up.

"You're not home for long enough, Liz," Maureen said, resting her head on the back of the sofa. "Wish you had time to come out to Bridgeport and see the house...when is your next lot of leave?"

"I'm hoping I'll have a couple of weeks around Jimmy James' birthday," she said. "Maybe more..."

"That would be great," Dickie said, "How long more?"

Looking from her brother to Olivia, Lizzie contemplated whether she'd spill things now or wait...she drew a deep breath and forged ahead.

"I have a decision to make," she said, looking at no one in particular. "And I think I will go to active reserves ... and spend some time here at home...if it's alright with you, mom."

"It's more than alright with me," she said, wondering what had changed from the night before as Lizzie hadn't mentioned reserves at all. "Liz, is everything okay?"

"Because you seem a little preoccupied," Dickie added turning to face his sister.

"Things are alright, kind of," she said, looking at the concerned faces around her.

"Kind of?" Maureen asked sitting up.

"Luke and I broke up last week," she said and watched the surprised looks all around. "We wanted different things."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Olivia said, standing up and moving to sit next to her youngest daughter.

"Thought you'd ask a lot of questions," she said honestly. "And I wasn't up to answering them..."

Wrapping her arm around the young lady, Olivia drew her closer and kissed her head. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," she said with a yawn. "I might just head to bed."

It had gone three when the master bedroom door opened slowly and Olivia opened her eyes.

"You okay, Lizzie?" she asked as she watched her round the bed and climb in Elliot's side. Regardless of how long he had been gone and the fact he'd never sleep there again didn't change anything, it would forever be Elliot's side.

"Nope," she said snuggling down under the covers, tears evident in her voice.

Reaching out in the darkness, Olivia caressed her face. "What is it?"

"I miss dad," Lizzie said wiping away her tears. "So much."

"I know, honey, so do I," Olivia said gently.

"I wish he was here," she said with a sigh.

"Me too," Olivia agreed. "You ready to tell me what's really happening with you?"

"What makes you think..." she started.

"Elizabeth," she said and Lizzie sighed deeply again.

"Luke and I didn't just break up," she said. "We were fighting a lot...I was...am really struggling with dad's death and he was a bastard about it. Kept telling me to snap out of it and get over it...as if I could just wake up one morning and be fine with the fact that the greatest man I ever knew was dead."

"That wasn't very supportive of him," Olivia said, shaking her head, she'd heard a lot about Luke over the past twelve months and had expected him to be a better support to Liz.

"Nope," she said. "Last week I was really struggling and had a few drinks and he started again so I told him what I thought about him and he hit me."

"He what?" she asked, rolling backwards and flicking on the lamp.

"He hit me..." she said again, pulling up her tee and showing the still angry looking bruises.

"The bastard!" Olivia growled. "Did you press charges?"

"No," she said sadly. "I'm a Marine, I should be able to take care of myself."

"You're a woman who was assaulted, Liz," she pointed out and Liz nodded.

"Yeah, I know," she replied. "I hate him so much right now."

"I'm sure you do," Olivia replied, wrapping her daughter in her arms. "You should have called."

"And say what? I'm a miserable loser who can't get a grip?" she said closing her eyes as the tears tumbled.

"You're miserable, yes," she agreed. "But not a loser and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise."

"God, I wish dad was here," Lizzie sobbed. "I'd give anything for one more day...one more minute."

The next visitor to Olivia's bed was James, just after dawn, and he was in no better state than his sister.

"Mommy," he said pulling up the covers and climbing in with her. "I need you."

"What's wrong, baby?" she asked pulling him to her and kissing his forehead.

"Sad dream," he said with a sniffle as he curled himself into his mother.

"Aww, what happened?" she asked but she already knew. James had been having sad dreams since Elliot died and each one was, in essence, a happy dream but would wake him and he would have to come to terms with his daddy's death all over again.

"We was at the fair and daddy was on the rides with me and we were laughing and everything," he cried. "Just like at the fair last year."

"Oh, James," she said kissing his head.

"And he was smiling and healthy and we had so much fun but he won't ever again," he said. "Because he's dead."

"He is dead," Olivia confirmed, just like she always did, no matter how much it killed her, just like the psychologist had told her to do. "But we just have to remember all the happy times we had and remember how much daddy loved us and wanted to stay."

"He should have tried harder," James cried, grabbing hold of her shirt.

"Oh, baby boy," she said, her own tears tumbling freely. "Daddy tried really hard," she said. "He was just too sick."

"I want my daddy back," he cried. "Please mommy, bring him back."

All the soothing words and loving caresses did little to soothe James' pain. It was supposed to get easier but Olivia was sure each day was getting harder and harder. It was nearly 30 minutes before he'd cried himself to sleep.

"He's so sad," Lizzie said from behind her.

"Yeah," she said. "About four nights a week we get this..."

"You must be exhausted," she said, rubbing Olivia's arm.

"Yeah, just a bit," she said with a yawn. "But life goes on..."

And it did; despite all the tears and traumas of dealing with the loss of her beloved husband and raising two young children alone, Olivia was making the most of each precious moment with her family. Never wanting to take any of it for granted.

"Maybe we shouldn't go to the cemetery today," Lizzie said, not wanting to upset James anymore than he was.

"We go every Sunday," Olivia replied. "We spend about an hour there chatting to daddy and keeping his grave tidy and then we go to Florentine's for brunch."

"Dad's favourite place," she said and Olivia nodded.

"Yep," she said with a heavy heart. "The boys are still so young, I don't want them to forget their dad...I want to keep their memories of him alive."

As with most Sunday's at Rosewood Cemetery, Olivia and the family pulled up at the gates just after nine and smiled when she saw the familiar vehicles already parked there.

"Grandpa and Uncle Fin are here!" James shouted, pulling open the back door and jumping out.

While they couldn't always get to the Stabler house during the week, each Sunday at least one of the three would arrive at the cemetery to support Olivia and help with the boys. Some weeks it was all three, last week it had been Munch, this week Fin and Don.

"Hello, son," Fin said as James ran to him. "Have you been good for your momma?"

"Yes, sir, Uncle Fin," he said as Fin picked him up. "We have a surprise this week!"

"And what would..." Don started. "Ah, Lizzie! Welcome home, sweetheart!"

Lots of hugs and kisses ensued as Olivia helped James, Maureen and Ava out as Dickie got the strollers from the back.

Over the next hour, the family stood and played around the grave, Olivia taking the time to use the damp cloth to clean the headstone, something she did every week. Maureen pulled a few stray weeds, while Dickie watched the boys and chatted to Fin.

As he always did, Don had brought fresh flowers; this week was a bright, vibrant arrangement of yellow, orange and red flowers in a sea of green foliage and Lizzie helped him empty out the last lot and refill the vase with fresh water. When the flowers were displayed in all their glory, Don put an arm around the girl who was now two inches taller than he was.

"It's good to see you home," he said, kissing her head. "You've been doing fine things on the west coast. Olivia always talks about you with such pride."

"It's good to be home," she said, leaning her head on his. "I might be making it more permanent;" she said before talking about reserves. "Do you think dad would be alright about that?"

"Your dad was extremely proud of all the decisions you had made in your career thus far," Don said gently. "I'm sure this one will be no different," he added, knowing that during one of their last conversations Elliot had revealed that he was desperate for Lizzie to come home. He knew he wouldn't be around much longer and had a burning desire for all his family to be together. However, he wouldn't tell Lizzie that, she needed to make up her own mind.

In the midst of all the chatter, James plonked himself down in the middle of the grave and ran his fingers though the grass, something he did every week, something which reflected his final weeks with his dad when he raked his fingers through Elliot's short hair.

"Dad, we went to the fair yesterday," he began. "And had a great time...did all the rides and played lots of games and I won a football...Dickie said he'd play with me but I wish it was you. Mom keeps telling me and Michael about you...I think she thinks I'll forget but I won't, not ever dad. I know you said to be brave but I'm not all the time...like this morning I cried and cried and I'm sorry but you not being here makes me really sad. I wish I could come and see you in Heaven...just for a bit...mommy says I can't but that you'll be waiting for us when we get there...but that is so long to wait...can't I just come up for a minute?"

Fin kissed Olivia's head as they stood and listened to James' chat with his father. "How are you doing?"

"Some days are better than others," she whispered, "Some days I can barely get out of bed but then I think of the boys and it makes things seem worthwhile once more."

"How are the older kids doing?" he asked, looking towards Lizzie and Maureen.

"Okay," she replied. "Well, Mo is...Liz...well, she's had a few issues of her own so is a bit fragile."

"Anything I can do?" he asked and Olivia shook her head.

"Nope," she said sadly. "Time and TLC."

Fin kissed her head once more and pulled her closer. "Just let me know if there is," he said, like he did every week and while he knew he couldn't take away the pain or sadness of those around him, he just kept asking, it was the least he could do. After all, he'd promised Elliot he'd take care of things and he would go to any length to do so.

When light rain began to fall, there was a move back to the car park, Dickie picking up Michael while James got a piggy back ride from Fin. As was the regular routine, Olivia remained at the grave while the others returned to the vehicles.

"Well, another week, gorgeous," Olivia said, kneeling by the headstone. "And I'm missing you so much. I know I said I'd be strong but you have to know just how much this is killing me. Michael is looking more like you every day, especially his cheeky smile and it hurts that you won't be here to see him grow. I'm trying my best, El, but god it's hard..."

Taking a deep breath, she ran her hand over the marble. "I'm glad Lizzie is home and I think it will soon be permanent. I know you wanted her back here...she's a great Marine but she was always your little girl. She's really struggling with your death...and she broke up with Luke – the bastard hit her. So, if you have any pull in the karma stakes, see what you can do, will you?"

Standing up, she brushed the grass and dirt from her jeans. "I've got to go but I'll be back in the week when James is in school and Michael's in day care," she said. While the others thought Sundays were her weekly visits, the truth was she visited many times during the week; this was her third visit this week alone. "I love you, Elliot, so much. Miss you too, baby."

Leaning down she kissed the headstone before wiping her tears and heading to the car park. With a few deep breaths, she was ready to drive to the restaurant for brunch, glancing in the rear vision mirror to check on Elliot's grave one last time, Olivia sighed. Leaving him behind never got easier, no matter who was around her and the love they gave her, it was a battle to keep it together knowing that forevermore there would be six feet of earth between her and the love of her life.

Brunch would be a chatty affair, lots of memories, lots of stories, lots of laughs and a few tears. The table would always have one empty place setting, a bottle of Budweiser in front of it, never opened. Olivia would let the sense of family wash over her, trying to use the strength of others to support herself until she was ready to do the hardest thing she had ever done, and that was to shift from the grief filled existence she was now in to being able to feel alive once more and she knew the only way she could do that was through fighting back.

~The End~

_**AN: Dedicated to C&C whose daddy ended his battle with the insidious disease this week.**_

_**AN2: This is where we end this story (finally) and while I had every intention of doing it two years ago, when I wrote the story, I just couldn't do it. Michelle's been gone two years now and I guess this is about finishing up the past. I haven't written SVU since and I doubt I will write it again, so I take this opportunity to thank everyone who has read and reviewed my SVU work and been supportive during my time on this site, I do appreciate it. If you read JAG, you'll probably see me there. xox**_


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